All language subtitles for That 70s Show S06E04 1080p BluRay x264-YELLOWBiRD

Guys, guess what I just heard
in the ladies' bathroom?

Fez, what were you doing
in the ladies' bathroom?

Oh, spying,
eating lunch, you know.

I heard two girls say they did
not want to go to college as virgins.

Yeah,
I caught that wave last year.

So I'm thinking, if horny
virgins are dying for sex,

then a-hunting
horny virgins I will go.

By the way, Fez,
it's not pronounced virgin,

it's pronounced vir-gin.

I thought it was virgin?

No, no.
Hyde's right. It's vir-gin.

Oh, now I will not sound stupid
in front of the beautiful vir-gins.

Oh, my God!

That's... That's the girl.

That's the one I made it with
at the Molly Hatchet concert.

That's Brooke.

Man, no one sleeps
with that Brooke.

When we were sophomores
and she was a senior,

she turned down her science
teacher, and he drove a Corvette.

Yeah, she was like some kind of
mythical creature, like a unicorn.

It's weird, it seems like
she's moving too fast.

It's probably cause all my memories
of her are in super jiggle sexy slo-mo.

Well, all I know is, that's her,

and I did it with her,
and I'll prove it.

Hey, Brooke.

Yeah, I know this
is kind of awkward,

but could you tell
my friends over there

about you and me
at the Molly Hatchet concert?

Do I know you?

Hey,
I'm sorry to interrupt but...

Burn!

It's me,
Michael, from the concert.

I've been looking
for you for weeks,

and I think you were so blissed
out, and that does happen,

that you gave me
the wrong phone number.

But the good news is,
I wasn't a dream.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.

No, Michael Kelso.

"Let's do it in the men's
room, it's more romantic."

No, wait...

I kicked that kid
out of the handicapped stall

so we could have more room!

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

What is Brooke's deal, man?

I mean, most girls lie about
doing it with me when they haven't.

This... The...
Everything is backwards.

Yeah, this is just
like Freaky Friday,

but unlike that
charming little movie,

your story has no basis in fact.

It does, too, except it's
just the girl is avoiding me.

I mean, how do you get a girl to
come to you when you repulse her?

Yeah, Eric?

Well, I like to put a hot dog
on the end of a stick

and hide in the bushes, so...

Donna, so how do you
know Brooke, anyway?

Did you guys jump out of a
cake together or something?

Yeah! No, moron.

When she was a senior we
worked on the school paper together.

I think you know Brooke 'cause
there's a secret club in this town

made up of all the hot girls.

It's the secret hot girls club.

There's no
secret hot girls club.

Believe me, I'd know.

Uh-huh.
Well, I'm gonna take off.

I have to get to
my secret hot girls meeting.

Oops!

Why doesn't Brooke like me?

I am a gentleman.

Oh, yeah, you lied about doing it
with a hot girl in the men's room.

You're Cary Grant.

Steven, you've been quiet.

Do you think Brooke's hot?

Do you really want me
to answer that question?

Oh, I think we all do.

Steven, it's no big deal.

Do you think she's hot?

Oh, well, I guess since you're not
setting a trap, I can answer honestly.

Yeah, she's freaking hot.

A-ha! See, I trapped you.

Now take it back
or I'll pinch you.

Jackie, if you pinch me, it's gonna cause
a serious problem in this relationship.

Fine.

Ow!

Oh, hey, Jackie.

Are any of your
college-bound friends vir-gins?

It's pronounced virgins, Fez.

What?
But, no, but Hyde said...

Oh, you magnificent bastard.

Sorry, buddy.

By the way,
it's pronounced bas-tard.

Fez, if you wanna find virgins,

go where ugly girls
pray to get pretty,

the local House of Worship.

House of Worship?

Are you sure you don't
mean the House of Pies?

No, Fez,
I mean the House of Worship.

I'm going to the House of Pies.

So, how's it going
at Point Place Junior College?

Well,
the education's not too great,

but the upside is
it's next to the Dairy Queen.

First day of class, we all got
free Peanut Buster Parfaits.

Ooh!

Hey, guys.

Kelso, what are you doing?

I'm looking for
Brooke's phone number.

I mean, why won't she admit
that we did it?

Kelso, there are racehorses
and there are donkeys,

and you are a great donkey.
You are, like, top donkey.

But she's a racehorse,
and guess what?

She don't want no donkey.

She might.

Look,
we had a great time together,

and not just
'cause of the sex part,

but because we had
a really great time.

Donna, please help me find her.

Okay, I'll give you a hint
about where she works.

It's in a quiet building,

you could try to
check her out on a date,

but she's probably
booked for the future.

She's a travel agent?

She translated her love
of books into a career.

She's a translator.

She's the translator,
not me, Donna.

You know, enough
with these brain teasers.

You tell me where Brooke works,

and I'll return your
underpants to safety.

Kelso, aren't you a little old
to be stealing Donna's undies?

A collector never
stops collecting, Eric.

The library, Kelso.
She works in the library.

Now will you put my
underwear back, you perv?

I lied.

Wow, those male
actors are gorgeous.

You know, I think that
Robert Redford is so hot.

He's hotter than the sun.

He's extremely handsome.

You know who I think is sexy?

James Caan in The Godfather.

Now, if he made me an offer,
I sure couldn't refuse.

Yowza!

Do you mind?

I'm sorry.

I thought we were
having a conversation.

You know what, Steven?
I actually think

that every guy on TV,
and in life,

is hotter than you.

Jackie, I know what
you're doing, okay?

I said Brooke was hot, and
now you're totally insecure.

Oh, I am not insecure, okay?

This is a designer sweater,

this is designer eye shadow,

and those are designer shoes,

and they make me
feel incredibly secure.

You know who else I like?

That little fellow
who plays Columbo.

I just wanna give him a bath.

Steven, why can't you just say
that Brooke's not hot?

It's common
relationship courtesy.

If you can't do this,
what will you do when I'm old

and ask you if I have
crow's feet around my eyes?

By the way,
that's already starting.

You've never been in a
relationship, have you, son?

What, when she asked if Brooke was
hot, I should have lied and said, "No"?

Being honest and screwing
yourself is clearly the better plan.

Sweetie, white lies
help relationships.

Like, "Kitty, even though
your pot roast was overdone,

"I still loved it."

Oh, for the love of God,
I did love it.

You're a pot roast genius, okay?

It was like eating gold.

So, you're saying lying is good?

Exactly.

Now go do the right thing,
and lie to the woman you love.

Red, this is crazy, right?

Yeah, they're all nuts.

Except you, sweetheart.

Look at all the smart,
lonely girls.

Little ones, big ones. It's
like a virgin pumpkin patch.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like
an order of books, please.

Could you be more specific?

Could you be more beautiful?

Could you be more lame?

Yes.

Excuse me, I'm trying to read.

Don't be a sissy.

You know what?

Here's a firecracker,
go live a little.

Thanks.

Look, I know why you're here
and I'm sorry, you're not my type.

I was high school valedictorian
and you're the antithesis of that.

The anti-who of what?

Exactly.

Okay. No, come on.
Don't be like that, okay?

Look, I really like you,

and I just thought that maybe
we could go out some time,

like, for coffee.
And then, if that went good,

then we could go to a movie.

And then, when we really
start to trust each other,

you can tell my friends how we
did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Look, I don't make it
with guys at concerts.

I read two periodicals a week
about the Dewey Decimal system,

which I'm sure
you've never heard of.

Okay, I have heard
of Dewey Decimal.

It's Donald Duck's nephew.

I can't believe Brooke.

I mean, standing there at
the library, totally resisting me.

I can't believe
we have a library.

I know,
what is it, like, invisible?

No, no, you know that parking
lot where we drink beer in?

Okay, well, you know that wall
that we lean up against?

That's the library.

Oh!

Well, then guess who has
peed on the library?

You know what?
For the first time in my life,

I hope that there's not a secret
hot girls club, because if there is,

I bet Brooke said awful things
about me at their last meeting.

Order, bitches.

The secret hot girls
club is now in session.

Now, last meeting we
all decided to go braless,

and I just wanna report
that Operation Bazooma Bounce

- is driving the boys insane.
- Ah!

Hi, my name is Brooke and
I've been a hot girl for 6 years.

Hi, Brooke.

And I just wanna let everyone know
that Michael Kelso asked me out,

and I resisted his charms
and turned him down.

- But he's irresistible.
- That's what I thought,
but it's a lie.

A lie, I tell you.

Then it's official.

No secret hot girl will ever
date Michael Kelso ever again.

Okay,
that's great, that's great.

Now this calls for
dancing bubble kiss time.

Kelso, there is no
secret hot girls club.

Well, of course,
the president won't admit it.

You know, I don't care
if there's a club or not,

dancing bubble kiss time
is just a fabulous idea.

Well, all I know
is that Brooke and I

had a romantic night together
at the concert.

Why is she pretending
like it didn't happen?

Well, maybe she's embarrassed.

I mean, she's used to dating
really brainy guys.

Yeah, not guys who set
their own pants on fire.

On a dare.

And I won a dollar.

Kelso, if you want
Brooke to like you,

you know, maybe you
should go to the library

- and show her
you can be smart.
- I hate the library.

The only good thing about it is
that you can check out Playboys.

I mean, they have every issue
since it started.

Wait, every issue?

Are you telling me that they have
the one with Pamela Sue Martin,

television's Nancy Drew, in a grotto,
straddling the world's luckiest boulder?

They have periodicals, you say?

What is wrong with Steven?

I mean, why won't he just say
Brooke's not hot?

Because he
doesn't know how to lie.

He's an orphan.

He never had
a mother to teach him how.

I mean, how do I know he
loves me if he doesn't obey me?

Well, you've chosen
a strong man, Jackie,

and they don't always obey.

Now, do I think he should have
said that other girl wasn't pretty? Yes.

But you have to
pick your battles.

Wait, no, I wanna be
right all the time.

And you will be.

After a few years they just...
They give up.

Okay, watch.

Red, could you go to the drug store
and get me a Ladies' Home Journal?

But I just...

It's all frosty.

Oh, crap!

Jackpot, my friend.

Not only did I get Nancy Drew,
but I also got Margot Kidder,

Superman's Lois Lane,
in an outfit that,

let's just say, you don't need
x-ray vision to appreciate.

Get those out of here, man.

I'm trying to impress Brooke
with my intelligence.

Here she comes.

Say, Eric, this encyclopedia
of scientific terms

has really taught me something.

See, by lifting this encyclopedia
of scientific terms above my head,

I'm using my
body's stored energy,

also known as uranium.

Um, actually,
it's known as calories,

but I do believe at some point
you were exposed to radiation.

All right, look, I don't know
what you have against me,

but I'm not leaving here until I
convince you to go out with me.

That's the man who gave me
the firecrackers, Mom.

I gotta run.

You wanna check something out?

No. Is there someone else
that can help me?

Like a man.

So, you wanna check out
those Playboys, or not?

Okay, fine.

I'm a man.
I would like these Playboys.

Well, you can't have them.

I want you to get in your car, buy
some flowers, give them to Donna,

and thank God an actual
live woman lets you touch her.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, Steven, I think I figured
out a way to end this situation

where everybody wins.

Now, listen to this
question carefully.

Is there anyone you
said was hot, like Brooke,

who you really don't
think is hot, like Brooke?

Well, I could lie and say yes.

Then do it. I don't care
if you don't mean it.

It's the words that count.

Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.

Fine. Then you know what?
I don't know how to fix this.

Pick your battles...

Fine.

Steven, I don't care if you think she's
hot, because that's how you really feel.

Thank you.

Hey, Steven, will you go to the drug
store and get me a Vogue magazine?

But I just...

It's gonna melt.

Crap!

Well, my plan to have
sex with virgins failed.

So I've widened my search
from virgins to everyone.

Basically, you're back to
where you started this morning.

Not really, I had some pie.

I've done less in a day.

Well, Donna, turns out Brooke
doesn't like intelligent men.

Kelso, you didn't have sex
with her, man, just let it go.

Michael, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, about what?

About our night together
at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Excuse me.

Burn!

Burn!

Burn! Burn!

Burn! Burn!

Burn.

We totally did it!

Michael, I just
found out I'm pregnant.

I never touched her.

Psst! Kid, hey, see this?

That's a Playboy.

And inside are things
beyond your wildest dreams,

magical, glorious things.

So if I toss it in your book
and you check it out for me,

I'll let you have a look-see.
What do you say?

You're pathetic. Just go
buy a Playboy, you loser.

Loser? Hey, I'm not the one
reading Hardy Boys.

For your information, the stolen money
was hidden in the grandfather clock!

Who's the loser now?