All language subtitles for Here We Go s02e04 Robins Best Man.eng

One of these is wobbly.

I've always wanted to juggle.

Your water's very
hard, isn't it?

Oh, look at the state of this!

Oh, it's stunning.
It's a stunner.

Just you wait until you
get inside the actual pods.

Pods?!

Oh, Rach, I've always
wanted to go in a pod!

OK, I am calling it.

It's a triumph.

OK, Cherry, let's not
overhype it, you know.

No, I'm not, I'm just saying,

this is going to
be the best hag do

that's ever happened to anyone

on Earth.

- Or the moon.
- Yeah.

- What?
- The moon?

It's like where the
Teletubbies live, isn't it?

- A bit.
- It is like Tubbyland, actually - you're right, Mum.

Fat Tubbyland.

Well, I, for one, cannot wait to
get my Tinky-Winky in the tub.

Oh! As long as you
don't do a Po in it.

LAUGHTER

- That's lovely.
- Laa-Laa.

- What's this?
- Driving me la-la.

- There IS one called Laa-Laa.
- That was bad. - Which pod am I in?

- So the boys are in this pod.
- Oi, oi.

And the girls are in here.

Oh, we're going
single-sex, are we?

I thought you believed that gender
was a social construct these days.

Well, no, no,
yeah, I sort of do.

But they've, erm, got
all their Scalextrics.

Yeah, and me and Kay
have got our make-up kit.

Oh, my God. Why is it so big?

You got Gok Wan in
there, or something?

- No.
- No, I know.

Is there Wi-Fi here, Mum.

There's, like, no signal.

No, that's the whole point
of being off-grid, Amy.

You know, to force you to
put your phone down and

look at all those...

- The hedges and the...
- The hedges?

Yeah, exactly.

Take photos now,

upload them to Insta later
when we're in Ashford.

Well, no, that's not exactly what
I meant but, on that subject,

- erm, Paul will be driving the bus...
- Hello.

To Disco Inferno at nine.

CHEERING So make sure
you're ready to go.

And then we'll head home about
1am so we're not too shattered

for the, erm, bird-watching/power
station trip tomorrow.

Thanks, Mum.

I mean, it's got
everything. Argh!

Haggy, Haggy, Haggy!

SEVERAL: Do, do, do!

No! You want to
do your chanting,

you do it in your own pod.

- Yeah. - Yeah, in your pod.
- Sorry, Babe.

Erm, all right, boys, shall
we just get in the pod and...?

- Sam, do you want to come and chant?
- Erm, no, I'm good, mate. - Yeah.

Come on, then, fellas.
Let the chanting commence.

What are you looking for, mate?

Erm, I think I left my
camera charger at home.

Oh, dude, that's a shame.

Do you want me to use the...?
DISTANT: Haggy, Haggy, Haggy!

- Do, do! - OK, thanks, Dad.
- Haggy, Haggy, Haggy! - Do, do, do!

- Haggy!
- Do!

What is...? What is...?

Oh, my God! Sam, what
the hell is this?

- I-I don't know. How am.
- I - supposed to know?

- Well, you opened it.
- Yeah, only cos...

Dad!

- Dad?
- Sammy?

- What is it?
- I don't know.

- Argh!
- Oh!

- Yeah, it's not...
- What's happened?!

Erm, yeah, I don't know.

I think, erm, Sam bought
a second-hand sex doll.

Shut up. No, I haven't.

Oh, Sammy!

Well, at least buy a new
one if you're going to

get a... one of those.

How is it even for that?

It's only a torso.

Well, it depends
what you're into.

What's all this
shouting about, please?

Did you order an incredibly
creepy rubber girl?

Yeah, my Resusci Annie
- I got it on eBay.

Right, see?

- What?!
- Why is it open?

Well, because it said Mr Jessop,
so I thought it was for me.

Well, it's not.

Oh, God! What the hell is that?

- Dad bought an old sex doll.
- No, I didn't, though.

It's my Resusci Annie.

It's for learning CPR.

I thought you were doing
that on your police course.

I've got to practise at home.

- Well, can you put it away, please?
- It's horrible.

Doorbell, someone!

I'll get it.

You lose yourself in it.
All right, Spielberg?

- You all right?
- Yes, I am.

Don't mind if I
do. Morning, all!

Oh, my gosh!

Now, we won't stay long.

Just wanted to show you

the Lord of the
Blings - here it is.

Whoa! Get your shades on.

Sparkling, innit?

- Oh, Cheryl, that's lovely.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, and it's so Christmassy.

I've got to keep my hand
pointed up like this for now,

in case it slides off.

- Why? Is it too big?
- A bit, yeah.

- I've got thin fingers.
- Thingers.

She has, actually.
But, yeah, no,

keeping your hand like this is
the best way to show it to people,

so, you know. No, we'll have
it taken in at some point.

- And have you set a date yet?
- I have, Sue, yes.

April the 20th.

- ALL: Oh!
- How exciting. I'm going to iron my hat.

No, sorry, I'm talking
about the stag.

Oh, yeah, we haven't
booked the wedding yet.

- Who cares about that bit?
- Yeah!

- Erm, you do.
- I do, actually.

- More than anything.
- Great.

And is the best man...?

Is it me?

Pathetic way to ask.

Now, Paolo, it should
be, in many ways.

- But I feel so guilty not asking Dean.
- I - don't.

I mean, you're both such

great men, but who's the best?

It's like, innit,
Alien vs Predator?

I mean, why does it...?

Why does it have
to be a man at all?

You know?

Well, because it's
a best man, right?

I mean, the clue's
in the question.

No, I mean, I just find
these binary divisions

so old-fashioned, you know?

- Oh, God, don't you start, please.
- What's happening?

Mum's just discovered
gender theory at college,

- having ignored everything I've been saying for the last 15 years.
- OK.

Yes, I have, and I just find this
single-sex stuff so regressive.

You know, I mean, I've known you
far longer than either of them.

Oh, OK, I see.

I know what this is about.

What?

- You want to be best man.
- No.

- That is not what I'm saying.
- Do you?

But I would...

I wouldn't mind, actually.

- Yes! - Oh, right.
- Why not? - Yeah.

Because you will be on the
hen with me and the girls.

Isn't that really depressing,

though? Like stags
and hens, you know,

trying to make it seem like men and
women are two different species.

Yeah, well, I've never
thought about that, actually.

Yeah, but, I mean, it's
not as though stags even

have sex with hens,
is it, in the wild?

Well, no. No, Mum.
That would be horrible.

ROBIN: - Yeah.

Do a hag, then.

A what?

What's that?

It's like a combined
hen and stag. Hag.

Hag, yeah, with me
as best man. Yeah.

- Go on.
- Come on.

- I-I...
- You're not going to...

I don't mind that, actually.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it lets me keep an eye on him.

Make sure you don't end
up inside a strip club,

- or inside a stripper.
- Ha-ha.

But, I mean, we could still
go clubbing, though, right?

I mean, it won't all be just
sort of facials and crying.

Yeah, clubbing's not gendered.
It's not gendered, is it? No, yeah.

I wouldn't say no to
a facial, actually.

Oh, no!

Amy, you can't go because
you are seeing Maya

that weekend in Swansea.

Not if she hasn't told her
parents about us by then I'm not.

Yeah, so I'm going to find somewhere
really exciting for us, OK?

- OK, but with a hot tub.
- With a hot tub.

Oh. And off-grid,
like in the sticks.

- In the... Yeah.
- And somewhere I can go bird-watching.

But not so off-grid that
we're not near a nightclub.

For the other kind
of bird-watching.

- Robin!
- I'm joking.

Or am I? No, I am.

Stop trying to crowbar
bird-watching into everything, Mum.

If you want to perv at birds,
you can do it out the window.

At what? There's
nothing out there.

You haven't even
got a bird feeder.

Then get a bird feeder.

All right, I'll
factor that in, Sue.

SAM: Oh, also near
a power station

would be helpful for my
geography course, Mum.

Yes, absolutely.

- This is just a dreadful way to organise a stag.
- Hag.

I'm trying to find somewhere
that ticks all those boxes.

I mean, I'm not sure Booking.com
has exactly those filters,

but I'll do my best.

And you'll succeed, because
you are the best man.

- As of now.
- I'm the best man. - Yup.

Sorry about that.

It's cool, man, I'm cool.

Oh, look at those
stars pinging away.

Oh, you don't get
them in Bedford.

I mean, you do, you
just can't see 'em

because of all the
light pollution.

All right, smart arse.
You know what she meant.

- Just saying.
- Rachel.

- Hmm?
- Hi.

Sorry to, erm, talk to you.

Erm, it's only to say that

we can't find a plug
socket in our pod.

Mm.

Well, no, there isn't
one - there's no

you know, power.

- What?
- OK.

All it is, is that

we spent the last two hours
laying out the Scalextrics track.

Right. Does Scalextrics need
electricity? It does, doesn't it?

It's implicit in
the name. Erm...

- Yeah.
- Well, I'm sorry, Gelson,

you'll just have to play it

acoustic.

Right, erm

- that won't... work...
- OK.

Per se, but, erm, thanks.

- I'll pass that on.
- Thank you.

- Ah, ya...!
- Oh, you all right?

Hang on, there's no power?

Well, no, Cherry, we're
off-grid, like you wanted.

Oh.

See, I thought off-grid
just meant like

not in the city.

Well, no, it's off the
power grid, isn't it?

- I'm sure that's what it means.
- It does, yeah.

So how do I plug in

my curling wand?

Erm, well, what
are we meant to do

before going to Ashford,
more to the point?

Just sit around the fire
like olden-days people?

Well, no, no, we've
got the hot tub

and, erm, some other
surprises coming up.

Oh, my gosh. In fact, I think
that might be one of them now.

Boys get out of the pod!

The entertainment
is about to start!

- Woo!
- Whoa!

Yes, please.

- Oh, God. OK.
- Oh, all right.

RACHEL LAUGHS

Is one of you Rachel?

Yes, I am. Sorry.

- Come on.
- OK.

Is it, erm...?

Well, where do you want me?

- Oh-ho!
- Oo-er, missus. What is it, Rach? Hypnotist or something, is he?

- Oh, I love an hypnotist.
- Here? Is here OK?

Here, like outside?

Erm, well, our pods are full
of clothes and Scalextrics.

Erm...

I'm just not meant to
do it outside, really.

And it's very dark.

I mean, have you got
any more light, or...?

You have got the fire.

And the moon, look.

And the little battery-powered
peckers from the pods.

Yeah, and the minibus.
Amy, put the headlights on.

- A please would be nice.
- What's this about headlights?

Oh, we just need more
light for the hypnotist.

Oh, right, yeah, well, just don't
leave them on too long, all right?

- So is there no Wi-Fi here?
- No.

- All my music's online.
- Yeah, we're off-grid.

Does anyone have any
songs on their phone,

as in that work offline?

Yep, yep, I do,
I'll put some on.

Hello! Showtime!

CHEERING

That is... very bright!

Hypnotise Jelson, make
him moo like a cow.

I'll do that anyway.

Moo!

CLUCKING NOISES

LIVELY CHATTER

Oh, my gosh. Oh! Oh, my gosh.

Here we go, here we go. Ooh!

Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

RACHEL GIGGLES

BIRDSONG IN BACKGROUND

Is this... Is this part
of the hypnotism, is it?

- You what?
- What are you...?

No, no, no, he's a stripper.

Oh, wicked!

You hired a stripper?

Is there a girl one coming too?

- Well, no, that's very different.
- Why?!

Well, because it just is -
watching women strip is sleazy.

When a man does it, it's,
you know, progressive.

THEY SCREAM

SUE: Well done!

"Well done"?

Yeah, his chest.

I mean, it takes a lot of
work to get muscles like that.

It does, believe me.

Just stop ogling
him, Mum, please.

I mean, there's
people walking past.

- Oh, no. Right, ignore them - try to.
- Sorry.

Oh! He's going to
take his trousers off.

- Hey.
- Oh, come on, brother, not the trousers!

Leave the trousers
on, do us a favour.

So what is...? Sorry,
what is this music?

I think it's, erm

yeah, a blackbird.

SCREAMING

Sorry, what?

A blackbird, as in birdsong?

Yeah, yeah, erm,

I've got an app
with them all on.

Huh.

Yeah, no, I'm not going
to dance to birdsong.

- What?
- That was dancing, was it?

I'm not even supposed
to do this outside.

I'd like to see you have a go.

Look, there's a family over
there. And with the headlights,

- the flaming torches - this feels like a lynching.
- What?!

- You what?
- That's ridiculous.

CHERRY: Is that
all we're getting?

No! No, no, no, no.

- No! No!
- Rach... Rach!

- Hang on!
- Oh, my God.

Let him go, Rach.

I'm sorry, but you cannot
expect us to pay you 400 quid

- when we didn't, you know...
- What?

- See your bits.
- Well, no, Sue. I mean, we didn't.

That's also true, but I meant,

you know, when you only
did about five minutes!

The website states that it has to
take place inside. That's on you.

- Yeah, that's clearly on us, Mum.
- Don't side with the stripper, Amy.

Rach, just forget about him.

Don't worry about it.
We'll go to Ashford early.

No, you can keep the 200 quid we
already gave you, but, you know,

that's all you're
getting, end of!

Ugh. Forget it.

And I'll be giving you a
bad star rating as well.

- SAM: Mum. - If that's a thing you can do...
- Rach. - ..With strippers.

It won't be.

- Come on, Paolo, let's get in the bus.
- Come on, let's get in the bus!

Come on, Chez! Shake
a leg, will ya?

Do not rush me.

It is very hard to curl hair.

ENGINE STRUGGLES

- We're supposed to be going to Ashford now, though.
- Yeah.

I don't think we are, actually.

What? What do you mean?

No, battery's flat.

- Oh!
- It's cos you left the lights on.

Well, can we call the AA?

Not without signal, no.

No rush, actually, Chez.

- I said that would happen.
- So what do we do?

Yeah, no, it's fine,

it doesn't matter. Doesn't
matter because, erm...

- Because?
- Just stay here.

- Here?
- Yeah!

And then... and do what?

Well, the

get in the hot tub.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah.
- It'll be great. It'll be better, probably.

- Gelson, fire up the hot tub, will you, brother?
- Aye-aye, cap'n.

Change of plan, Chez,
get your trunks on.

We're going in the hot tub.

We're going in the hot tub.

Hang on, it says it takes five
hours to heat up the hot tub.

What was that?

Don't worry actually, babe.

- OK.
- Don't. Don't say anything.

Hey, hey, you're best man.
You know, this is your baby.

I'm just interested to know what
the plan is for the next five hours.

- Yeah, well, just, you know, hanging and chattin' and...
- Chattin'?

We've got 300 bottles
of beer Biere d'Alsace.

Oh, and my big
bottle of Baileys.

Thank you, thank you, Sue.

And I know a couple of
extremely difficult riddles.

- Huh.
- OK.

Riddles?

- You see? It's all coming together.
- SAM: Is it?

Yeah, it is. It is, actually.

- It's going to be brilliant.
- Uh-huh.

Where? I can't see it.

- No, not the feeder. The branch, Sam.
- The branch.

Yeah, which one? Narrow it down.

It's a green woodpecker.

Oh, how marvellous.

I can't find it. Sorry.

Oh, crikey doodlums,

you'll never get a
job on Planet Earth.

David Attenborough would be tearing
his hair out with you around.

Look, there, look.

Oh!

- Oh, no.
- What?

Oh, it's not a green woodpecker.

It's another bloody
parakeet. Oh, no!

And? What's wrong with them?

Well, they're not a
native species, are they?

They shouldn't be here.

They take the food and the habitats
away from our British ones.

Right, yeah.

Bloody foreigners coming
over here, stealing our jobs.

They'll be marrying our birds
next, if we're not careful.

Oh, don't be daft.

I'm talking about wildlife.

I know. You're a bird bigot.

- Oh, stop it, I...
- Amy, please.

I voted Remain.

- She's winding you up, Sue - ignore her.
- And I'm not a bigot.

There are just some
things I don't like to see

- in my back garden.
- So ignore that as well.

Yes, I will.

This garden is absolute crappo
for wildlife, let me tell you.

Right, yeah, blame the garden.

Oh, actually, have
you found anywhere

on the hag, Rachel,
for my birding?

Yeah, I'm working on it, Sue.

So Black Tar Sands is
only an hour from Leeds

for Robin's clubbing

and the Drax Power Station
for Sam's course work.

But I've not found anywhere
off-grid for cherry.

- SAM: Drax? No, that's a biomass one.
- I need nuclear, really.

Yeah, the fuel source
of the power station

isn't my number one
priority now, weirdly, Sam.

- All right.
- Finding somewhere

that will take all nine of
us is hard enough as it is.

No, it's now ten.

I'm coming now, as
I'm not visiting Maya.

- Oh, God.
- Has she still not told her parents? - No.

Another demand from Cherry.

Apparently, the vibe she
wants is sexy AND relaxing.

I mean, it's not even possible to
do both of those at once, is it?

Of course it is.

Michael Buble.

Have you looked
into Center Parcs?

No, and I'm not going to.

- Because when I best-manned for Colin...
- Colin, yeah!

I organised a lawn bowls tournoi
at Center Parcs Longleat,

which was the stuff
of absolutely legend!

Can you stop trying to back-seat
drive my hag do, please?

Well, if you aim to please
everyone you please no-one, Rach

a bit of free advice for you.

Yeah, which I do not need, because
my hag is going to be amazing

and better than
all of your ones,

so back off, please, and go back to
snogging your little rubber girl.

Resusci Annie! And I'm practising
resuscitation, thank you very much.

Yeah, for a
suspiciously long time.

- AMY: - Hang on, is that... another one?
- What?!

- Oh, my God!
- I've bought two Resusci Annies?

- No. - God.
- This is Choking Charlie.

This is a man one.

I mean, completely absurd that
they're even gendered at all,

but why do you need him as well?

Well, Charlie's for choking - you
know, for practising the Heimlich.

They do completely
different things.

Are you going to buy a plastic doll
for every single medical scenario?

I mean, you know, not ideally,

but I do need to
practise, you know.

I freeze in the simulations and
I just, I forget what to do.

This is madness. Can you
send it back, please?

You can't keep
buying medical dolls.

They're horrible to
look at, so return it.

Fine! All right, all right.

- Oh, he's got a lovely chest, though.
- Don't...

Can you stop objectifying
Charlie, please, Mum?

That's what you should
get for the hag do, Rachel

a male strip artist.

- Oh! Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Bren went to see some recently,
and she had the time of her life.

Bren, your 85-year-old bridge
partner, Bren, went to a strip club?

83. And she didn't mean to.

No, she booked tickets for Magic
Mike, thinking it was a normal

magic show - you know, like
Paul Daniels or something.

Well, it wasn't.

She's been back eight
times since then!

THEY LAUGH

Right, try it now.

Oh! Who's the daddy?
I'm the Daddy!

- The Daddy?
- Dad.

- Huh?
- MUM: - Paul, come on, we've got to go.

I'm ready, Mum. Get the
others, will you, Sam?

Yeah, I am, I'm doing it now.

Mum? Mum?

SNORING

Did you fall asleep
in the hot tub?

Oh, it took a while to heat up.

- Come on, then, Rachel, chop, chop!
- Oh, God!

We've got to be there by 9am,

otherwise the beds
will be less active.

Of course, yeah,
great, fantastic, OK.

Wake up, everyone.

Huh! Wahey, splash him!

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

Did you drink all of THAT?

Huh? Well, yeah, there
wasn't anything else to do.

- We did, yeah.
- Oh, God!

OK, time to go bird-watching!

- Absolutely not.
- No, not happening!

But Rachel promised -
you promised, Rachel!

She promises a lot
of things, Mum.

All right, no,
we're doing it, Sue.

Is the minibus...?

Yeah, it's sorted
- you're welcome.

Is it on? Well, I-I
was going to do that.

Can you please consult with Best
Man before you do anything again?

Yeah, Come on, let's go

up and at 'em! Come on, guys.

Woo! Woo!

Oh, you're all so hungover.

Yeah, we'll be golden once we've had
some charcoal, don't you worry, pal.

- Yeah. - Hear, hear.
- What? Charcoal?

Yeah, it's a cutting-edge
hangover cure, actually,

according to Online
Health Secrets.wiki.

You just swallow some charcoal
and it soaks up all the alcohol

in your bloodstream
like a little loofah,

so job's a good 'un.

- That sounds unlikely.
- Charcoal?

- Well, it's science, Sam.
- Briquettes?

No, tablets you
doughnut! Briquettes!

Hardly going to chow down
on a couple of them, am I?

Briquettes!

- Oh!
- I'm joking...

Come on, everything's
very much still on track,

so let's get changed,

swallow some charcoal
and go bird-watching.

Not a sentence I ever thought
I'd say, but there you are.

Can you wake up Amy, please.

- Let's go! Let's go!
- Oh, my God...

Ah! Rachel, your toenails!

- Pass my shorts. Pass my shorts!
- Are you nude?

MUM: Come on!

There's none anywhere.

- Sorry. - No birds.
- Can you give us another charcoal, please, Jelly?

The first one not work,
then? That's a surprise.

I wouldn't say it's
eliminated my hangover, no.

That's a duck, isn't it?

- You got reception again, then?
- Uh-huh.

Not I need it.

Maya's basically still refusing
to come out to her parents, so...

Do you think I
should just call her?

Oh, I don't know, love.

If you, if you want to identify
the call of a bearded tit,

I'm your woman.

But I'm a bit out of me depth
with this situation, I'm afraid.

What's that? Is that
a shopping mall?

A mall? No, it's a
nuclear power station.

- Nuclear?! What?
- Yeah.

For Sam's coursework, we're
going there after this.

No, no, we're not
going nuclear, Rach.

- Why not?
- Me and Robin might have kids soon

and his sperms are
gammy enough as it is.

- Oh.
- They are, actually, yeah,

A lot of them don't
have necks, apparently.

PAUL: Necks? I didn't know
sperm were meant to have necks.

- But I promised Sam we'd see it.
- Yeah.

- CHERRY: Well, he can see it from here.
- OK.

Well, erm...

- Does that help, Sam?
- Well, obviously not. - No.

Another hag promise
bites the dust.

Oh, no! What are you, then?

I'll take another one of those
charcoals over here, Jelson.

- I'm absolutely hanging.
- Beautiful!

- Is that the stripper?
- What?

No, I think it's a wood warbler.

Oh, my God, it is.

OK, yeah, we should hide.

Hide?

I really don't want
to see him again.

Hide where?

I guess... there.

- PAUL: No, look, let's just ignore him.
- Oh, my God!

- He's having a peaceful day out with his boyfriend.
- Urgh!

Let's just stay away
and not cause a scene.

MUM: - Oh, no!

- What?
- It's a parakeet, again!

- Oh, OK.
- I don't bloody believe it.

OK, Mum, calm down.

It drives me mad, Paul!

They're absolutely everywhere.

I mean, you come all this
way and you still can't get

- away from them.
- Mum...

- I mean, I don't mind them so much in the city...
- Mum,

but when you see them
in the countryside...

- Good God!
- ..It's out of control!

- Good God!
- They need to be rounded up and caged, frankly.

Sorry, what the hell
did you just say?

We have as much right to
be here as anyone else.

AMY: She was talking
about the birds.

Oh... Wait, it's you lot.

- Hiya! - Hi.
- So, first you refuse to pay me

and then you yell homophobic
abuse at me and my boyfriend?

- No. - Yeah.
- I...

I was shouting at the parakeets
- I am not homophobic, I promise.

She isn't, she really isn't.

- I voted Remain.
- No, that's not relevant, Mum.

- My granddaughter's gay.
- She is.

And I'm absolutely
delighted about it.

- Yeah.
- OK, Granny, that's a weird thing to say.

I promise it wasn't
aimed at you.

She just really hates parakeets.

CHOKING SAM: Is Dean,
is he all right?

Let's just go back, can we? Cos
I really need to lie down...

SAM: - Guys. I think
Dean's choking.

Oh, my God!

Dean, are you choking?

AMY: He can't answer, Mum.

SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

PAUL: Stop choking,
Dean, if you can.

AMY: He can't.
Clearly, he can't.

He's going to pop!

Oh, my God! Paul, do
something - do your CPR!

PAUL: Huh? Well, you made me
give up my Choking Charlie!

You must know how
to do it, surely!

- Come on! Come on!
- Come on!

- OK... - Quick, Dad!
- Which way do you need him?

OVERLAPPING SPEECH - Here!

Come on. Right.

Get it out, then.

Urgh!

DEAN RETCHES

Oh, yes! Yes!

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

That's exactly what
I would have done.

- There she blows! - Well done.
- Oh, my God. What is that? - Stripper!

- That's charcoal, mate.
- Well done, stripper. - Well done.

- That was tremendous.
- Pride of Britain.

Oh, God.

Yeah, well done, that was...
really fantastic work.

Really

- well done for saving the day, that was fantastic.
- Wow, yeah.

We will, of course,
we'll pay you.

- We'll double it.
- No, but... For last night, yeah. Sorry about that.

I was just really
angry about the hag.

I spent months
organising being well

you know... shit.

OK.

And it is a shame the
parakeets are here.

I mean, they're everywhere,
and they're the worst.

Yeah, I know, exactly.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Erm, actually, as
we've got you here,

can I just ask you a question?

- What?
- My granddaughter's girlfriend

won't tell her
parents about them,

or about being gay.

AMY: Oh, no, Granny, don't.

And I just wondered if you had
any advice about what to do.

You don't have to answer that.

SIGHS

It's not about you.

It's between her and her family.

You could

try and be nice and
support her through

a difficult situation.

Or you could be a brat and
make it about yourself.

Right.

Thanks.

Lovely to meet you all.

- Cheers! - I didn't get your name, but...
- Lovely to meet you. - Bye.

You're a well-fit couple.

- Wow, what guys.
- Wonderful men.

- And the hag do hasn't been shit, by the way, Rach!
- Oh, well...

That's crazy talk.

- It's been, I think, good...
- Yeah?

In a way. Right, Chez?

No.

It's been awful, total
wash-out - nothing to do

and Dean nearly died.

- Yes, that's true as well.
- Mm.

Yeah. No, I'm sorry.

- I-I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for a dreadful weekend.
- Thank you.

- MUM: - Yeah, but it's not over yet, though, is it?
- Right.

It is, because we have to check
out within the next 90 minutes.

So, I'm really sorry.
Please don't say anything.

- PAUL: I'm not going to say anything.
- I apologise. What else can I do?

- It was a disaster. - I'm sorry.
- So, sorry. Sorry. - Rach, come on.

Rubbish!

Have you got any more
charcoal, Jelson?

Oh, don't take another
one, you daft ha'p'orth.

Come on. Hurry up, guys.

BELCHES: - Oh, dear, sorry.

So much gas!

How am I producing so much gas?

Urgh!

You all right?

RACHEL: - Hurry up, please!

I should have gone to Swansea.

To see Maya.

I think I might have
been a total dick.

RACHEL: - Guys, come here!

WHISPERS: Come here.

Can you hurry up, please? There's
a fine if we check out late.

- Yeah, all right. - Hurry up.
- Yes, all right. - Amy.

AMY GROANS

That's it.

There's a fine.

Cherry, there's a fine.

CHERRY: - Yeah, you said!

SAM: - That was our
exit, wasn't it?

Dad, we missed the exit.

I didn't, actually, Sam.

- We're not going home.
- What?

AMY: - Where are we going, then?

- We're going to Swansea.
- What?

What are you talking about?

Well, why not?

SAM: - Because it's on the
other side of the country?

- Yeah, everyone's asleep anyway.
- Ah! - Oh, God!

Careful, Amy, I'm driving.

- What's going on?
- Go back to sleep.

- What?
- We're going to Swansea!

- What?! - Woo!
- What's happened?

We're taking Amy to
Swansea to see Maya.

- What about the rest of us?
- Well, we're going as well.

- Hag Do Part Two.
- Eh?

Hag Harder in Swansea!

What?

I can't let your first hag
end like this, Rach, no way.

- If that's OK with you.
- No, definitely.

I've hated every
second of organising...

Sorry, Paulo, question from
the back. What's going on?

Well, I've booked some rooms
at the Palace Hotel and Spa.

CHEERING

Yeah. And a booth
at Top Bananas...

- Yes? - ..Tonight... - Yes?!
- ..for the foam party!

CHEERING

- Paulo!
- CHERRY: - Yes to everything!

- MUM: - Paul, Paul,
what's a foam party?

It's a ticket to
paradise, is what it is.

Strap yourself in, Spielberg,

this hag party is
about to get X-rated!

SAM: - Oh, I think my
battery's going to die.

- Haggy, haggy, haggy!
- ALL: Do, do, do!

You are the best. You're
the absolute best.

- Haggy! - ALL: Do!
- Haggy! - ALL: Do!

PAUL: Thank you. I'm
driving, Rach! Rach!

CHEERING

- Paul?
- Yeah?

I've got work tomorrow!

Have you?

BIRDSONG

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