Original subtitles

SHOUTING

It's not a fair system, is it, the cracker?

- I got a key ring.

- Let me go!

- You have to wait for your father!

We all have to go down together as a family, as we always do.

- Do we? - Yes. What do you mean, "Do we?"? It's a family tradition, Sam.

- I don't remember that either, to be fair. - Yes!

We all go down together to see if Father Christmas has been. - OK.

I mean, I'm 21.

- Well, Sam's only...

- 16, yeah, I'm over it, too.

- No, no!

Can you hurry up, Paul?! You've been in there for ages.

- STRAINING: Yeah, I'm just finishing up, babe.

- Come on, Dad, what are you doing in there?

- Very bursty, isn't it? - What do you mean?

- Your weeing.

It's in short bursts.

- It is, yeah.

- It's just how men wee, Mum.

- It's really not, Dad.

- I think you should get your prostate checked.

- Uh?! - Oh, my God. - It might be enlarged.

- What's that?! - Wow.

- Happy Christmas to you too, Mum.

Right, I'm going down. - OK. - I'm going down now, Mum. - All right, let's go.

- I'm worried sick.

- Creep. - I am creeping. - No, not like that.

That's like a zombie. - I don't want to creep. - We always creep.

- Prostate! I mean...

- Fingers crossed he's been, Sam. - Yep.

- Oh, my God, he has, he's been!

And look, the reindeer have eaten the carrots up.

- Well, that proves it wasn't Dad, if the vegetable's been eaten.

Oh, ha, ha, very funny. Not.

- Yeah, no sass, not on Christmas Day.

- Oh, I'm loving the flickery lights, Paul.

- Yes, aren't they great? - Thanks, Mum.

They're not actually meant to do that. - Oh, my God!

Sam, it's Santa's footsteps!

- Who's this for? Because it doesn't feel like it's me.

- I'll hoover up that flour, actually,

because it will just get everywhere. - It's not flour, it's magic.

- Mum, magic? I'm opening my stocking.

- No, no, no, we're not going to open our presents now.

We're going to put Hey Mr Christmas by Showaddywaddy on.

- Oh! Do we have to do that?! - That's what we always did.

OK, well, we don't... OK, well, why don't we light a fire?

We always light a fire. - No, it's not cold enough for a fire.

- DAD: No.

I'm just going to open them now. - OK, OK.

No, no, please, can we all just wait and take a moment

to savour the magic of Christmas?

- OK, I've done that now. - OK.

- Yep, same.

OK, Dad, I'm filming. - Right, are you? Yeah.

Here we go.

HE HUMS EERIE SONG

- What...? What are you doing?

- HE HUMS

Huh? I'm being a ghost. I'm a ghost.

Don't interrupt me, Sam.

- Why would a ghost have fangs?

- Because...

I'll take them out, then.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

I'll do that again. Mmm!

HE GIGGLES

- No, what are you...?

- LOUD, EVIL LAUGH

- That's the one.

- Happy Hallowee-ee-n!

Got some treats for all the local kiddies.

CHILDREN CHATTERING Because the thing about community...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Oh.

OK. We're on - showtime, showtime.

First customers of the night, here we go.

Make sure you get all the little happy faces on camera, OK, Sam?

- OK, Dad. - This is going to be great.

ALL: - Trick or treat! - Wow! Happy Halloween, look at you!

You're fantastic. OK, just take one. One. One!

Mums and dads!

Mums and dads, can you control your kids?

Can you just bring that... Put that back! Put that back, princess!

Oi! - Thanks very much.

- Oh, my God!

- Come on, let's go!

- DOOR CLOSES

HE PANTS

Mum, the kids completely cleaned me out!

- Already?!

How? - Just grabbing. - Oh, no! Really?

- It was like... It was like a live-action version

of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

And why are they all dressed as Iron Man?

It's got nothing to do with Halloween. - Oh, dear.

- We've not got another tub of sweets, have we, babe?

- I think Amy left a stash of Mini Rolls in the larder. - Ooh!

No, I ate those.

- Oh, Amy, yeah -

any idea what she'd want for Christmas?

- She'll just want money, I reckon, Mum.

- Oh, yeah, actually - me, too.

- Lovely.

That's easy, then.

Ping me your bank details, Sammy. - No, Sue, please!

We're not transferring money to each other for Christmas.

Sam and Amy have to ask for a gift... - Oh, really?!

- ..not just issue invoices.

- OK, fair enough.

What do you want for Crimbo, Paul?

Am I getting you slippers again?

- Oh, no, no.

Um, actually, Mum, I would like

a Big Green Egg.

- An egg? - What?!

- What do you mean?

- You want an egg for Christmas?

- Yeah, you're thinking of Easter.

- No, I'm not! No, I'm not!

This is a barbecue, it's egg-shaped and it's green.

- DOORBELL RINGS - I thought you and

Rachel could go halves on it.

- No, your Christmas present will be a surprise, thank you,

as it's supposed to be!

- DOORBELL RINGS

- Doorbell! - Yes, I've got it.

Be more Spider-Mans.

- Spider-Mans? - Spider-Men.

Did you bring in the pumpkin, Sam?

- No, you didn't ask me to. - We've run out of sweets.

Oh, it's Robin and Cherry.

We expecting you? - Er, no, no, no.

We're just doing a little drive round the area,

check out the pumpkins, thought we'd pop by.

Cherry loves a pumpkin, don't you, babe? - I do, actually, yeah.

To look at, not eat - they're minging. The carved ones, I mean.

- IRISH ACCENT: Jack-o'-lanterns, the Irish pumpkins.

THEY LAUGH

- Happy Halloween, you all!

- Oh, la, la, la. - What are you doing? - Er...

I don't know, actually. Zombie, maybe.

- All right! - Hiya, Sue. - Hello, Robin and Cheryl. - Hiya. Hey, Rach.

- Now, then, what do you two want for Crimbo?

Because I'm doing my list.

- You are looking at it, Sue.

All I want for Christmas is Cherry.

- ALL: Aw!

- And I want a SodaStream.

- Ooh, yeah.

- Although I should say we will be in Cape Verde

on the day itself.

- What? - Oh, cool. - Yes.

Thank you, we will, yeah. Cherry's moved

what would have been our honeymoon to Christmas, hopefully.

I mean, the hotel and the airline don't mind.

- But we need Ian to change his name on the flight

so Robin can go instead.

And he's been well aggie with us

just because I, you know... - Jilted him.

- Well, no... - No. - ..Sue. I did marry him.

- Yeah. - I dumped him straight afterwards.

- It wasn't the full jilt, technically. - No.

And I would have done it before the church,

but the vicar and the flowers were all there

so it would have been well awks. - Way too awks.

- So I dumped him at dinner,

in my speech,

said I was still in love with Robin and...

Yeah, now it's over.

- Jog on, son.

- And he didn't take it well?

- No, he did not.

He took it V poorly, I would say.

- Well, I'm really sorry that you're not going to be here,

Robin, on Christmas Day,

because I was going to ask you to be Paul's elf.

- Oh, I would have loved that - I would have loved that power,

but no, no can do, sorry. - What?

My "elf"?

What do you... mean?

Why do I need an elf?

- Well, I was going to ask you to be Father Christmas... - Oh.

- ..at the hospital, because the chap who normally does it...

- Yeah. - ..he lost a lot of weight, you know, over the summer.

- Did he? - And they need someone who'll fit the costume. - Fit the bill.

- How dare everyone?!

- Paul, listen, it's a great gig. - I mean...

- Everyone's happy to see you.

It's like being Ant and Dec.

Well, you know, one of them.

And all you have to do is give out the pressies.

- Yeah.

No, no, it does, er...

It does sound good.

Hang on. - Oh, he's spotted something.

- Do I have to provide the pressies?

- No, no, no. They do all that.

- Well, congratulations, you've got yourselves a Santa Claus. - No! No!

- Hey! ROBIN: - He's doing it.

No, you're not... No, he won't!

He won't, Sue. You won't have time.

Sorry. - But it's only an hour. - No way.

- He can do it when you're at the drop-in centre. - Drop-in centre?

What? - When I'm at the what? What... What are you talking about?

- Well, I said that you might help Dermot with the Christmas lunch -

you know, for the poor people who are living on their own? - OK. OK!

OK, can you stop volunteering us for things, please, Sue?

Especially if it involves Dermot.

I find it very hard not to just stare at his horrendous wig

the whole time.

- His hair system...

- His hair system. - And he's trimmed it now. - Well..

I mean, no... - So it's a lot less bushy. - That's not the point, Sue.

I'm sorry, but our Christmas Day follows a very set schedule,

and I can't be there at noon

and neither can Paul, because we will be at church.

- Oh, do we have to? - Perfect.

I won't go to church. - No, you've got to go to church!

- No, no, let him be Santa.

Skip church - Jesus won't mind cos he's doing a good deed, isn't he?

This is what Crimbo is all about, isn't it, Sue?

Helping the needy.

- Yeah, you're going on holiday!

- Hang on a minute. I've had an idea.

I'm going to ask Amy to be the elf.

- That's a bad idea. - She'll hate that. - When's she back from Norway?

- First week of December.

- DOORBELL

- Doorbell! Actually, that's a point, Paul -

you HAVE to make sure the Christmas decs are up by then

because I really want to give her a... - ..classic family Christmas.

Yes, I will.

And they will be.

- Trick or treat.

- Oh, yeah, sorry, um,

we are all out.

So I'm no longer participating in the trick-or-treat scheme.

Not scheme, but, um...

- You put a pumpkin out.

- Yeah. Yeah, that should, um...

Sam, I asked you to take that pumpkin in.

- You didn't, actually.

- So trick, then?

- No, not trick. - Yeah!

- Huh?

We just... We just haven't got any treats.

Go and take it up with the other kids, I would. - Come on.

- There's several Iron Men out there who really took the mick tonight.

Sorry.

Can you go and get that pumpkin, please, Sam?

- Oh! All right, chill! I'm getting it now.

- Bloody hell. - Didn't even want to be a part of this, Dad.

- SQUELCHING

- Oh, my God, what was that?!

- Have some of that. - Stop that!

- Try and get it through the door. - Oh, my God, it's egg!

Oh, my God!

Come on, Sam, take cover!

- Happy Halloween!

- AMY GRUNTS

Oh! - What?

- I cannot believe you wrapped individual 20p pieces.

- Yes, well, I told you you had to have something to unwrap

on Christmas Day, Amy.

I said I wouldn't just pay money into your account.

- I mean, it's barely worth opening them. It'll take me hours.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

- I'll be earning less than the minimum wage, anyway.

- Invest it. - Thanks for my camera-cleaning kit.

- No worries, dude. - Practical.

- Thought you might still have some dried egg gunking up the lens.

I think we've all done pretty well, actually.

- Oh, do you? - Yes, I do.

- I got a baking tray, but... - Yeah. And a book.

- Yeah, which I read 30 years ago when it came out.

- Well, you're the one that asked for a surprise.

DOORBELL - Yeah, well, I meant a good one idea.

Ideally. Doorbell! - I'll get it!

- I'm feeling really Christmassy.

- Now, you should get your togs on, Paul!

It's gone 11.00! - Yeah, yeah. - Gosh! - And you, Amy. - Yeah, I'm doing it.

- Oh, God.

- Come on, we've got to get a move on, actually.

Whe-hey-hey! Hey, happy Christmas, everyone!

- Happy Christmas, Robin.

- Merry Christmas.

You all right? - What? Is that...?

- THEY LAUGH

- Robin, you're outrageous!

Oh, my God!

- Well, you know, while the cat's away...!

But, no, it's just a bit of fun, it's not a serious suggestion,

you don't have to... act upon it.

- How's Cheryl getting on in Cape Town?

- In Cape Verde -

yeah, not bad, I think.

Saw a turtle yesterday and her and Ian are just ignoring each other

as much as they can. - What? In the honeymoon suite?

- Well, yeah. I mean, she's insisted on a rota for the bathroom.

- I can't believe Ian wouldn't swap the names on the flight.

- Tell me about it, but at least this way, Cherry still gets to go.

I'll FaceTime her when she's up,

so I can keep my beady eye on them both.

Merry Christmas, Rach. - Oh, merry Christmas, Robin.

- Christmas tree's a bit bald, innit?

I like the throbbing lights, though.

- Yeah, they're not meant to do that. - Are they not?

Oh, there he is, look!

- Ho, ho, ho, everyone!

- I love it!

- Born to do it - perfect casting.

- OK, well... none taken.

- At least your one fits.

My trousers are ridiculous.

- LAUGHTER - That's fantastic. - Well, look...

They can be short,

or they can be golf trousers.

- Yeah, I'm not sure elves usually wear plus fours, Mum.

- They don't usually tower over Father Christmas, either, to be honest.

- Didn't realise your one came with a fat suit.

- Oh, no, it doesn't - no, it's a... Oh, yeah, OK.

Ha-ha-ha, Amy, very funny.

- I wasn't joking. - Well, you were, and you shouldn't, Amy.

Jokes about physical physique are not cool these days.

- Oh, well, you'll have to put me on the naughty list for next year.

- I'll do more than that, love. I'll bloody ground you!

- Stop bickering, you two! Come on, we've got to get a move on

if we're going to eat by four.

Sue, can you make sure you put the turkey in the oven at 12.00, OK?

- Yeah, 12:00, get to worky on the turkey.

- PHONE RINGS - Oh, oh, oh - yes, it's Cherry!

- CHEERING

RACHEL: - Oh, God, no, not now!

Happy Christmas!

- You all right? Oh, you look lovely.

- You look absolutely smashing.

- Your hotel room looks fab.

- Yeah, cheers, yeah.

There are rose petals on the bed,

which is annoying.

Sorry I can't be with you all.

- Yes - us, too. Take care, we're in a bit of a rush. Bye. Merry Christmas.

Get changed, Sam. - Is Ian...? Is Ian...? Is Ian...?

Where is Ian?

- I've made him wait on the balcony.

Don't worry, he is behaving. - OK.

Can you prop me up somewhere

so I can see the whole room?

I want to keep eyes on him at all times. I do not trust that guy.

- What's the weather like out there, Cherry?

- Sorry, we're a bit pressed, Cherry. We've got to go. Take care. Bye.

Merry Christmas. - SAM: - Bye, Cherry.

- CHERRY: - It's hot. - It's hot! Fantastic!

Bye! Get changed!

- Yeah, well, you look absolutely smashing, you really do.

- Stop saying how nice she looks! - Let's go, let's go.

OK, I'll meet you after church in the hospital car park, OK?

And you have to be there at 1:15 at the latest.

- Stop being such a Christmas Nazi.

- I'm not being a Nazi.

I just want everything to run on time.

- That's how it starts, though, Mum.

It's a slippery slope.

- Please! We won't have time to do all the things we always do -

the charades and the gingerbread house.

- Maybe we should try something different, then, if that's what we ALWAYS do.

- No, Amy, that's wrong! Your approach to Christmas is wrong!

- Oh, my God, look at that. Big Boy Bowling's open today.

- You see? This is what I mean.

I mean, people do not treat Christmas with respect any more.

Everything should be shut.

We should all have to stay at home and just watch Shrek...

..as God intended!

- Dad, more dried egg.

- Oh! - Not from the Halloween yobbos? - Yes, from the Halloween yobbos.

I tell you, if I ever see those lads again, I'm going to go bananas.

- Very glossy, isn't it?

- What? Is it?

Glossy? - Yeah, the tree.

It's like a healthy dog.

- Well, it better be, Mum, the price of it.

- Well, you get what you pay for with Christmas trees.

This is a special spruce, so it'll stay looking good.

- Spruce by name, spruce by nature.

- Maya's on the way back from the airport with her now. So hurry up, please, get it in. - Yes, yes, I am.

- Well, no, you're not. You're looking for dried egg again. - There's just so MUCH of it, though.

- Be careful. - It's like the house has been egg-glazed... - Gentle, gentle!

- ..like a bloody fishcake.

- OK. Whoa, coming through. - Oh, my God.

It's expensive, Robin. - Trying to squeeze...

Yes, I know. - Just take it to the... Up it goes.

- It's like cleaning a toilet, isn't it? - It is a bit, yeah.

- Careful! - I know.

- Oh, my Godfathers! - This is what careful looks like.

- Protect the tip, please. - Ho-ho, that's my catchphrase!

- Knock, knock, knock. - Ooh...

- Ah! Sue! - Oh, hello, Dermot! Oh, do come in.

- No, don't - please don't... come in.

Sorry, we're just getting the tree in, and our daughter's on the way home from Norway, so...

- Norway? - ..it's all go. Yeah, yeah. - Oh, my goodness! - Yeah.

- I used to speak a bit of Norwegian. - Did you? - Yes. - Oh, OK.

- What was it?

Kyera te kuin kissa kuma puerra.

- Oh, yeah, that's... - Oh, well done! What's that?

- Don't pace around the porridge like a cat.

It just means basically don't... beat around the bush.

- Oh, right. - Get to the point.

- Maybe do that, then. - Or was it Finnish?

- Oh, she's tipping, Rach! - It might have been Finnish.

- Oh, no, is it? - Oh! I'm coming, Paul. - Sorry. - Sue. - Right, what can we do?

- Oh, no, it's all right. It's OK.

Oh. - Ooh, it is a bad time.

- Yes. No, it is, it really is.

- Well, I won't keep you, Rachel. - No. OK.

- Reason I'm here... - Yes.

- ..the lovely Sue suggested you might be willing

to help at the Christmas lunch... - Mm.

- ..on - well, at the drop-in.

Now, I'm pretty sure we just need someone to cover the prime-time

3.00-5.00 slot.

Just thinking off the top of my head. - Off the what?

- So if I could pop you down for that?

- I-I-I won't have time, Dermot.

I just won't.

- There will be some mince pies... - No, no. - ..avec eggnog.

- Sorry, no, I will be cooking Christmas lunch here for all of us.

- I don't know how you do it. - No, I don't.

And then we want to watch the King's speech.

- Oh, great film!

Well, was it Best Picture 2011? - Yeah.

No, the actual - the Christmas one. The... - Oh! - Yeah.

- King Charles III's Christmas address. - Yes, yes.

- Yes, of course. - Bye, then.

- Well, you could come down after that. - Well, no.

Then we watch Elf and then we play charades, and...

- It sounds fantastic! - Yeah, yeah!

Yeah. - What a really super Christmas Day. - It is. Yeah.

We have quite a fixed schedule, you know,

it's sort of a family tradition.

The kids insist upon it, so...

- I don't think we do, Mum. - Yes, you do, Sam.

- You've got to take the kids into account, obviously. - Yeah, yeah.

- But what about we pop you into the 5.00-7.00 slot?

- Mm, I'm saying no, Dermot. It is a no. - Mmm...

Am I hearing a maybe?

- You're not - sorry. - Oooh! - It is a hard no. Bye.

OK, is it up? - Er... - It's stuck. - Yeah. - OK.

- It's a bit of a bendy Wendy, though.

- Oh, right. - Do you think we should nibble some off the bottom?

- Yes, yes, maybe. - Nibble?

- With a saw, I mean. - Amy's back.

- THEY CHEER

Oh, hello!

OK! - OK, just put the lights up - lights on the tree.

- Let's get plugged in. Right - plug me in, Scotty!

Here we go. That'll do.

- Dad, that is a lot of power for one socket.

- Chill out, Grandad!

LAUGHTER

- Ohhh!

So glad you're back, I've miss you so much.

- Hi, Sam. - It's been horrible without you!

- What, has it? Oh, God. - Thank you for picking her up!

- It's all good - I did some Christmas shopping

at Boots Stansted while I was waiting, so... - OK! - ..it's fine.

Now, do you know your inside-leg measurement?

- What?

- For the... For the elf costume.

- For what? - Yes!

The Viking returns. Skol!

- Oh, skol.

- Skol, yes, yes. - Hi, Dad.

- You got home safe, then?

- No, I'm still in Oslo.

- OK, so great you're home.

- Oh, well, don't worry, I'm going back on the 28th.

- That's... That's not long. - Come this way, come this way.

- What's through here?

OK. - OK.

- BOTH: Ta-da!

- Wow! - It's not finished.

- OK, right.

So here we go. - Uh-huh...

Go on, then. - Three... - Yeah.

- ALL: two,

one.

AMERICAN ACCENT: - Blast off! - Da-dah!

CHEERING

- That's... tasteful. - Well...

- Well, yeah, no, it's not supposed to be tasteful - it's Christmas.

- Exactly. - And there's... What's that? Look, there's your decoration...

- Oh, God. - ..that you made in Year 3. - Oh! - I've got the advent calendar -

your favourite advent calendar.

- Oh, I, um... I like the...

Is... Is that fake frost?

- Huh? - It's... - No.

- Here we go. - Where? - There you are.

- No, I'm... I'm trying to not... - Have that one. - ..eat chocolate any more.

- What? - Um... - Well, it's Christmas.

- Oh, you're kidding! - No chocolate? - No, no. - It's more egg!

SAM: - Oh, no. - Aargh!

- Thank you so much for doing this.

- It's my pleasure. - Both of you. - Yeah. - Means the world to the kids.

- No, no, really.

Any time.

- Well, I'm guessing they only do it on Christmas Day. - Yeah.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, me first!

I'm Santa! - For God's sake.

- OK, smile. - Merry Christmas.

Hello.

Oh, there you are, Dylan.

Happy Christmas.

- Thank you. - OK, then.

Right, let's see who's... - And this is Tia.

- Oh, hello, little girl!

I'm Father Christmas.

- Yeah, she can see that. - Sh.

- Is this for the news or something?

- SAM: - Er... yeah?

- And what would you like for Christmas? - A Nintendo Switch.

- Then prepare to be disappointed.

- HE GASPS

There you go.

Ha-ha! Happy Christmas, Tia.

- So this is Adam. - Right.

- He's one of the older children on the ward. - Right, OK.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry...

- Can I just have a word? - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, my God. SAM: - What?

- Eggs. - What do you mean?

- It's one of the eggers.

- Really?

- Hi, there. Cheers for doing this.

- Nah, nah, it's... all good.

Ah, Adam.

Adam, Adam, Adam.

Funny how life works out, isn't it?

Would you say you've been a good boy this year, then?

- Yeah. - Really?

Sure about that?

- Yeah. Why?

- Well, because Father Christmas sees everything, mate,

and I know what you've done.

- Why are you being weird? Just give him a present.

- Stay out of this, elf. Only good children get presents.

QED, this little boy isn't getting one.

- What... are you talking about?

- Ask Adam, I would, Dad.

He's been naughty. - Er...

- He's on the naughty list.

- Are you serious?

- Oh, yeah, 'fraid so.

I've made my list, I've checked it twice,

and your son is getting diddly squat.

- He's in hospital, for God's sake.

- OK, yeah. What for? - Does that make a difference?

- Well, it might if it's bad.

- He broke his ankle skateboarding this morning. - Great.

Well, then, definitely not, then.

Definitely not.

That's not going to offset the naughtiness.

In fact, I'm not even sure the NHS should be paying for that.

That is on you, Adam.

Your recklessness is the reason you're in here.

- Excuse me. - Yeah.

- Sorry, excuse me. - Yes. - What is... What's going on here?

Why is this really right-wing Father Christmas... - Right-wing?!

- ..questioning my son's right to treatment

and refusing to give out presents? - I really don't know. Sorry.

- Don't apologise to him, elf! - Whoa.

- Remember who you work for!

This little sh... kid

egged our house.

- What?! No, I never! - Yes, you did.

- Just give him a present! - No way!

Hands off my sack! - Dad, let him have a present! - No, just...

Leave it out! Ow! Leave it out! - Can we have some help, please?

- Leave it out! - Thank you. - Oh, my God! - Oh!

GIRL SCREAMS

- Mummy! What happened to Santa?!

- Just give him a present! - No, just, no! Argh!

- Aah, Dad, he hit my ankle! - No, I... - Oh, my God! - I didn't...

Oof... - You plum.

It's all right, I'm here. - Elf!

- Mm-hm. - Yeah, it was all over the windows, it was on the brickwork.

I mean, there was just so much egg! Honestly, do...

- Yeah, you've not broken any ribs, that's just bruised,

so, er, you're fine to go home. - Oh, right. Phew!

- Thank God for the fat suit.

- I'm not even wearing...

OK, yeah, great, thanks for all your help, Amy!

KNOCK AT DOOR

- Come in!

- Oh! Oh, my God, there you are, Paul! - Oh, it's OK, babe, I'm fine.

- God, I've been waiting in the car park for nearly an hour.

- Oh, right. - OK. - I mean, there was me thinking

you were actually worried about me.

- Can we go, please? Quickly. We're meant to eat at 4.00.

I hope your mum's put the turkey in the oven. - All right! All right!

- Thank you. - Ugh...

Oh, sorry, Doc, while I'm here, erm...

..would it be possible to get a quick prostate exam?

Erm, only I'm sort of peeing in quite short bursts.

Like, tsst... tsst... tsst...

- No. - Thank you very much. - OK. Happy Christmas.

- Yeah, goodbye.

- Ooh! Off we go. Christmas!

- Hello, Sue! We're back!

Sorry we're so late, Paul got into a fight on the children's ward.

- With a parent, not with a child!

- Why are no lights on? - What, really?

- When did you put the veg in, and did you put the turkey in?

Please tell me you put it in, Sue.

- Yes! Yes, don't worry.

I put it in at 12. - Oh, great, OK.

Amy, can you put Hey Mr Christmas on the stereo, please? - Fine.

- Where's Robin?

- Oh! - Robin? Robin? - He's in here, love. - Oh, what's he, er...? Erm...

- I think he's still FaceTiming Cheryl...

- Cherry! I can't see!

I think Ian's put a cup in front of the camera.

Chez! - Come on, Amy.

Put on Hey Mr Christmas, please! Now! - I am!

- No, he's doing it on purpose, babe!

He's... Hang on, where's he gone?

Is he in the blind spot again?

Can you get that guy out of the blind spot, please? Ian!

- Oh, the stereo's not turning on...

- Mum, did the power cut out?

- What? - Oh, no!

- Oh! Maybe!

There was a pop, actually, just after you left.

- A what? A pop? - Goes the weasel. Yeah.

I thought it was my hip that had gone again -

but it wasn't, it's fine, look!

- OK. OK... - Look at that!

- Oh, can you stop bending, please, Sue?

Oh... - Oh!

- Oh, no! - Oh, Rachel! - No.

- That could do with a couple more minutes.

- Yeah, that's soft as shit, that.

- OK. This is fine, this is fine.

We're just going to boil the veg on the gas and then we can...

- Boil a Turkey in under an hour?

- Yeah. - It's not a gas hob, Mum. That's also electric.

- Is it? Yep. Well, can you just turn the electricity

back on, then, please, Paul? - Er, not on purpose, no.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Beyond flicking a few switches, I'm absolutely useless.

- Well, flick some more switches, then!

- I'm flicking like a flicking idiot over here!

No, something must have shortened.

Is that the word? - It isn't. - No.

Do we have anything else we can cook a turkey in?

- Well, no, because your mum refused to buy me a Big Green Egg for Christmas.

- Oh, shut your big green face!

We didn't know the power was just going to cut out, did we?

- I did say several times that it might.

- I know! We could cook it at Mum's house!

- Oh! No! I've turned the Aga off

and it'll take ages for it to get hot again.

- I honestly couldn't hate that old Aga any more if I tried!

- Dermot!

- What? Who's that?

- Dermot! He's cooking Christmas lunch at the drop-in!

We could just ask to put our stuff in the oven there!

- Er, really? - Yeah!

Right, go. Go, go, go! - Yes, all right! - Go, go, Sue, go... - All right!

- Paul! - Yes, yes, I had to put the beard on!

- Oh, no, you didn't! - Just in case any children see!

I don't want to shatter the illusion, do I? - Oh, God. Quickly! Quickly!

That's it, Sue! Come on...

- I'm at top speed.

- Don't drop the turkey!

- Well, obviously that's the aim! I mean...

- OK. I've got the door.

- Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas... - Oh, Dermot, hi.

Dermot, hello. Sorry to bother you. - Rachel!

- Hello! - Oh, my God! You're here! - We were wondering...

I - well, no, no, no, not like that.

- Oh, no, I knew you'd come through for us! - No...

- Oh, Sue was right about you, Rachel... - Oh...

- ..you are such a wonderful, wonderful person. - Oh, well, I'm not,

I mean, I'm not, really. - Yeah. - I'm not, no. - She is, she really is.

- I'm not - I'm not here to volunteer... - Oh, my goodness!

Crisis averted, Peter!

- HE LAUGHS

- Rachel's brought another turkey! - Yes, but...

- We thought we were going to run out, you see.

Oh, and you brought veg!

Oh, my Lord, this is absolutely... - Well, no, sorry...

- Bless you. - Thank you. - Bless your big kind heart.

- Ah... - This is what Christmas is all about! - Well, yes.

Mm, well, I know it is,

but that's not actually what we... - Right, come on, everyone together!

Big round of applause for Rachel and her sensational family!

- Oh, no... Thank you so much. Merry Christmas.

- Er, no, Dermot, Dermot, can we eat here too, please?

- Oh, no, no... - With everyone? - No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, no.

This is only for people who can't cook for themselves.

- Right, we do now qualify for that.

- I'll now take that lovely turkey.

- No, actually, I'm sorry, Dermot. No.

That's... - I know you don't do it for praise.

- No, that's... That isn't why we've come.

- Oh, I've embarrassed you! - No. - Agh! Silly! - No.

No, no, no. - Seriously, your humility is absolutely...

- LISTEN TO ME!

Stop talking and listen to me, you chatty... man!

Today has been an absolute car-crash

and I have been sweating blood

trying to give the kids the kind of Christmases they had growing up,

and they don't even care...

..or want it, because they're basically adults now,

and, erm, we've got no electrics,

so we can't cook anything!

Er, which is why we're here.

Not because I'm a nice person -

which, you know, I am, I think...

..at times...

Yeah? - I... I love you, babe.

- And - but, actually, we're just here to...

..to use your oven.

- Yeah. - Please.

- If that's...

- Sorry.

- Of course, Rachel.

Mi oven, su oven. - Oh, Dermot!

- Thank you, Dermot! - Amazing.

Cheers! - I'd be happy to help, of course!

- Oh, my gosh, Dermot! - Kiss. Come on. - Dermot, thank you so much!

- Christmas kiss. - Mwah! Mwah!

All right, can I just say,

your Santa costume is so much better than Paul's. - Oh...

I don't mind... - Your one has even got a wig.

- What?!

- Er, as in the Santa wig, not the other, the...

- The other?

- As in, I...

I mean...

I'm so...

I'm so... I'm so sorry, Dermot.

I'm so sorry, Dermot, I didn't mean to...

It really is a-a-a fantastic, very convincing...

..wig. I mean, is it, is it even a wig?

- Hair system.

It's a hair system.

And I'd thank you for not drawing attention to it, please.

- Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.

Is it still OK to use your oven?

- Well, not now, no! - OK.

- Awful woman!

- All right. Keep your hair system on!

- Mum!

- Oh, brilliant.

- Oh, great.

So... what now?

- I know where we could go.

Go on! - In she goes! - Go on, Dad! - She's got legs!

- Oh, yes, Dad!

- Oh! - Yeah! Take that and party!

- It doesn't count when you're using the Zimmer frame ramp thing.

- Yeah, that's only cos I can't bend down

after getting punched in the gut, Amy! - He can't bend down. - Right! - It IS due to...

- Well done! That was brilliant. - Oh! Christmas lunch is here, everyone!

- OK! - I'm starving!

- Yeah, camera down, please, Sam, it's Christmas.

Come on! - Ooh, thanks, Paul. - And you, Robin -

you can't spend all Christmas Day spying on Cherry and Ian, surely.

- I was planning to, to be honest. OK.

- Mmm! God, this is way better than a roast, yeah?

- I was just thinking that.

No sprouts! - Quite nice. - Get in my mouth.

- OK, I'd like to propose a toast, actually.

- Oh, my God, Mum! It's Hey Mr Christmas by Showaddywaddy!

? ..mas... ? - No!

- ? We... ? Yes!

- ALL: ? We hope you're having fun... ?

- Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

I actually can't believe it.

- ? Hey, Mr Christmas... ?

- Yes, Dad! - ? Christmas, here we come... ?

- Ah, I love you. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas!

You know what? It's really Christmassy, actually, Mum...

- Yeah. - ..a bowling party. - It's perfect. Good idea, Sam!

- We should come here every year! - Well, no, obviously not. - No.

? Carol singin', bells are ringin'

? Santa comes tonight

? Hey, Mr Christmas

? We hope you're havin' fun

? Hey, Mr Christmas... ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0