All language subtitles for The.Pool.Boys.2009.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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♪ Woo ♪

♪ Every night
is just a party night ♪

♪ Every day I'm lying by
the pool ♪

♪ Everybody's
passing through my sight ♪

♪ I don't even have to
go to school ♪

♪ Maybe I should
get a working job ♪

♪ And I could quit living
like a slob ♪

♪ But in my dreams ♪

♪ it goes on and on ♪

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want
an American summer ♪

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want
an American summer night ♪

♪ I can kick it in
a great big house ♪

♪ I would hang out
with the movie stars ♪

♪ Everyone would
wanna be in my crowd ♪

♪ We would drink it up
and smoke cigars ♪

♪ Maybe I should
get a working job ♪

♪ And I could quit living
like a slob ♪

♪ But in my dreams
it goes on and on

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want
an American summer ♪

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want
an American summer ♪

♪ American summer
American summer ♪

♪ American summer night ♪♪

man: Meet my cousin,
Alex Sperling.

You're probably wondering,
"Hey, who's this Alex kid

and why is he fighting
a guy dressed as a unicorn?"

And more importantly,

who are all those girls
with really big tits?

I can explain all those things,
but first, let's rewind.

( imitating tape rewinding )

Okey-dokey.

Here we are, like two months
earlier,

graduation day in
Southfield, Michigan.

You've seen it all before.

Caps, gowns,
kvetching parents,

typical graduation speeches.

Graduates, we are about to
step into the real world

and, frankly...

it blows.

I wanna live now.

I wanna travel
and get high at concerts

and bungee-jump naked

and experiment sexually with
multiple partners.

( cheers and applause )

So I say to you,
senior class, carpe diem.

Suck the marrow
out of life.

Suck it,
suck it, suck it!

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you, Class President
Victoria Mills.

That was very, uh, graphic.

Our final speaker

is one of
Southfield's shining lights.

National Merit Scholar
Alex Sperling.

( applauding )

Bravo!

man: Oh, and there's his folks,

my Uncle Martin
and Aunt Nancy.

Little stiff, but good people.

They're anthropologists
or orthodontist-ists or--

Something with an "-ist."

Wow, that went fast.

We're done.

But, you know,
this is only the beginning...

man: Blah, blah.

I know you don't
want to hear the speech.

I was there and, frankly,
it kinda sucked,

so let's get
to the good part.

That's where I show up.

Oh, have a good summer.

- My boy!
- Hey, Mom.

Congratulations, baby.

Thank you, thank you.

- Dad?
- You're a man now.

Congratulations.

Harvard is lucky
to be getting you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God.

Roger?

When did this
become a VIP event?

You didn't tell us
you were coming.

There I am, Roger Sperling.

I have a speaking engagement

at an engineering conference
here in Detroit.

Owner of my own
hydraulic engineering firm,

philanthropist, philosopher and
all-around love machine.

Ow!

So I thought
I'd surprise you guys.

I can't believe
you're here!

- You were awesome.
- Thank you.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

So, Aunt Nancy, Uncle Martin,

you mind if I steal boy wonder
for a second?

- No, not at all.
- Have a little heart-to-heart.

Great.

Hey!

So you going to the afterparty
down in Addison's pond?

Between you and I,

that's where I lost
Teri Raskin's virginity,

so if you happen to see it
there, just let me know.

No, man, I--
look, I can't go to the pond.

I fly out to D.C. at like
6:00 a.m.

Do you know how many
strings my dad had to pull

to get me this internship
with Senator Brewster?

And, Roger, I have to
show leadership this summer

because if I don't get
this scholarship,

I can't go to Harvard

and if I don't go to Harvard,
I mean...

Hey, hey,
Alex, come on.

You're gonna get the
scholarship, relax.

Breathe.

When you're in D.C. or at
Harvard, if you need anything,

advice, letter of
recommendation,

a stock tip,
you call your cousin Roger

and I'll hook you up,
all right?

Yes, thank you.

( tires screeching )

- "The Post" is on the phone!
- Excuse me?

- Hi.
- Do me a favor.

- Unplug that phone.
- Oh, sure.

Wow, it's a busy place.

Um, my name's
Alex Sperling.

it's a pleasure to be
joining the team.

Welcome to Washington.

- Start shredding.
- Oh, well, I don't--

- Shred!
- Sure, okay.

No problem, I just wanted to
thank you and the senator,

you know, for the opportunity
to get my scholarship...

... so I can go to Harvard,

and it's truly rare
in politics nowadays

to find someone with
such character

- and integrity and...
- Come on, flush, you bastard!

Come on!

What are you going?
Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

We're not having such
a great day, are we?

I hate to disappoint you,

but your man of character
and integrity

has one tiny little weakness.

Oh, well, you know,
I heard Abraham Lincoln

couldn't turn down
a piece of cake.

Could Honest Abe pass up
ten-year-old Filipino boys?

- Excuse me?
- FBI!

Get your hands up,
let's go, son!

Leave it alone!

- Let me see your hands!
- Freeze!

Stop the shredding now!

if you need anything,

you call your cousin Roger
and I'll hook you up.

Now, I never
would have said that

if I thought he was gonna
take me seriously.

♪ in Los Angeles ♪

♪ I know that
my dreams will come true ♪

♪ in the City of Angels ♪

♪ I'll follow
my heart ♪

- ♪ Right to you ♪
- ( cell phone ringing )

♪ Right to you ♪♪

Hey, cuz,
need a stock tip already?

Uh, no, not exactly.

You know how you said to call
you if I needed anything?

Yeah, anything.

What's up?

Well...
I need you to pick me up.

I'm at LAX.

You're here?
Now?

Yeah.

Look, I'll explain
everything when you get here.

Just meet me at baggage claim,
okay, Roger?

No, no--

Hey, hey, Alex,
Al-- Alex, Alex?

Roger, stop lounging.

Let's get
the pool cleaned.

Lounge-- I was just waiting
for the chlorine to stabilize,

Mr. Davi, sir.

Yeah, well, stabilize by
getting the pool cleaned.

- I got people coming over.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Davi.

And stop with
the Eddie Haskell bullshit.

Just clean the pool.

Okay, yes, I lied.

To you, to Alex,
to everyone in the world,

I don't own my own
hydro-engineering

whatever-the-hell-I-said.

I clean pools for a living
and I'm a liar,

'cause, frankly,
"captain of industry"

works much better than
"pool boy"

when you're
trying to get a date.

Yo, what's up, homey?

Give me your money, dog!

Hey.

- What's up, bro?
- Thanks for coming.

I really appreciate this on
such short notice, thank you.

Hey, what happened in D.C.?

- Senator Brewster?
- Ooh, he's dirty.

He didn't touch you,
did he?

Oh no, turns out
I'm not his type.

Too bad-- I am.

Whistle, ooh, whistle!

- Ow!
- Big bag for the weekend.

You wanna hit
the beaches or what?

I need a job.

My parents are in Africa
on a research grant.

if I don't have a job, then
I can't get this scholarship,

then how am I gonna pay
for college?

Let alone Harvard.

I need your help, Roger.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, fine.

- All right.
- I mean, I can't pay you.

No, that's okay,
it's an internship.

Do you know anything about
aquatic engineering?

it's not as glamorous
as you think.

No, that's okay.

I don't need glamour,
I just need a job.

I mean, it's really not
glamorous in any way,

- shape or form.
- That's totally fine.

Are you good at math?

There's a lot of math.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

All right, here we are.

Sorry again about the car.

I can't wait to
get my Mercedes back.

These auto-shop loaners
are a real disaster.

it's okay, I love NASCAR.

Yeah.

That's good.

You live here?

Yeah, right.

it belongs to one of my
junior engineers.

Oh, thank God.

They're off-site right now
building a dam in Dubai.

He's just letting me crash
here for a couple months

until my place in
the Palisades is done.

it's six months overdue.

Do you believe that?

Dude, contractors.

I mean,
they're worse than...

Yo, Rog!

... drug dealers.

I got your weed, man.

I couldn't remember, did you
want an eighth or a quarter?

Get away from the building,
you-- you purveyor of sin!

Yeah, I wanted an eighth.

An eighth of Hindu Kush,
you got it?

Okay.

Get-- get out of here!

Jerk!

Huh.

Yes.

Sorry about that.

What was that all about?

That guy, Eddie,

he's just a bad element
in the neighborhood.

So this is it,
my temporary digs.

And this is where you'll
be spending

the next six weeks.

it's-- it's actually a lot more
comfortable than it looks.

Okay, now,
Alex wasn't a total idiot.

There's one surefire way to keep
any red-blooded male

from thinking properly.

( knocking )

Hey, Rog, Whole Foods
doesn't actually sell

Wonder Bread, Miracle Whip,

so I got you cracked wheat
and Vegenaise.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, this is my cousin Alex.

Alex,
this is my neighbor--

My employee's neighbor, Laura.

Um, I gotta go put
my stuff away,

so... welcome to LA, Alex.

♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high
so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man
don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like
the back of my hand ♪♪

- So people actually live here?
- Yeah, it's embarrassing.

it doesn't even have
a tennis court.

All right, technological
supplies.

This right here
is a sediment displacer.

That is a polymer-based
discharge reservoir.

Right.

- Submersible sonic piping.
- Uh-huh.

Very important,
liquid attitude adjuster.

Okay.

And... let's do some
engineering.

All right.

Now, what you're gonna see here
looks like a common pool,

but what I'm doing
is very cutting-edge.

Yeah, it's one of my--
my test houses.

I like to be out
in the-- in the field.

Good for morale.

Um... I'm working on
a new salinity test for

aquatic entertainment
environments.

Wow.

I'm gonna put a 60-inch
plasma in the deep end.

- Really?
- Sure.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, whoa!

Oh, sh-- Hector, Hector!

- Roger!
- Hector, that's my cousin!

Who are you, cabrón?

And why were you staring
at la Señora Ashmore?

I wasn't!

- Hey!
- Roger!

That's my cousin, Alex!

He's helping me out today.

- ¿Oh, que paso, Rogelio?
- Yeah.

Hey.

I'm sorry, mister, okay?

Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

( grunting )

Oh, Mr. Stenson told me to tell
you that the pool needs

a filter because
it's getting clogged up.

La muerta Bethany is getting
stickers all over the pool

Hablamos mañana.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

( grunting )

Ciao.

You're a pool boy.

I'm more of a pool man.

You're a pool boy.

Great.

He's a pool boy.

- Um...
- That's fantastic.

So you don't have a house
in the Palisades?

No house.

And you don't drive
a Mercedes-Benz.

I have driven one.

And that.

That's no poly-waddle
discharge whatever.

it's a plastic bucket.

That is,
in fact, a bucket.

So then who
the hell are you, man?

- I'm your cousin, Roger.
- No.

No, no, no, you're not.

My cousin Roger
went to Harvard.

He graduated Phi Beta Kappa
and Summa Cum Laude.

Roger owns his own
aquatic engineering firm.

Roger...

that guy dropped out.

I dropped out
after my freshman year.

Just...

Well, that's perfect.

- Oh!
- Shit.

All right, come on,
where you going?

- Back to Michigan.
- You can't go back to Michigan.

You don't have a job and your
mom and dad are in Africa.

Well, it beats sleeping on
an eviscerated sofa

- with some fraud.
- Hey, hey, hey!

Let me ask you a question.

Who's the guy that gave you his
entire collection of "Swank"

and "Penthouse" when you
turned 1 3 years old?

I came out here

because I thought
that you had a real job.

My entire life depends on
this scholarship.

What am I supposed to
tell them at the interview?

That I learned how to
balance pH levels?

First of all,
that's harder than it looks.

And second of all, you're not
gonna lose your scholarship.

All right,
we're smart guys.

We'll think of something.

it's like my buddy
Kierkegaard said:

"Anxiety is
the dizziness of freedom."

And you're just a little
dizzy, that's all.

All right?

So big breaths.

Ooh, look it,
that's tension.

Let that go, shake that
thing out.

- Don't touch me.
- Come on.

Let me show you the beauty
of cleaning a pool.

Shall I?

Nice T-shirt.

isn't it ironic?

No, I'm going to
Harvard in the fall.

Yeah, right.

Guess where
I'm going today?

Villefranche-sur-Mer.

That's in France.

That's in Europe.

You ever been
to Europe?

- Yeah.
- You have not.

Hey, guess what I'm getting
when I'm 16?

A BMW 760Li.

That's a $140,000 car.

What do you drive?

Right about now, I'm thinking
about this pool skimmer

through your head.

woman: Bethany.

There you are.

You all packed, honey bun?

You're not my mother,
Caitlin!

And I'm not packed!

Damn it!

- Hi, Roger.
- Hi, Mrs. Stenson.

Ooh, sorry about that.

You excited--
you excited for your trip?

Oh, my God, I haven't been
out of the country

since spring
break senior year.

We were down in Mexico,
got totally drunk off,

like, Jell-O shots,
danced on the bar--

No, I don't care and don't call
me back until this deal is done,

- got it, huh?
- Sounds awesome.

Hey, Roger Dodger.

What's going on, boss?

Do us a favor, keep an eye on
the place while we're gone.

We'll be back
in about six weeks.

Yes, sir.

And here's a little something
extra for your trouble.

Oh, no, you don't have to--
you don't have to--

No, you don't have to
worry about that, sir.

No, here, here,
here you go.

Okay, let's go, sweetheart.

is that a five,
is that a five, sir?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

This should pay for my gas
coming up your driveway.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, cocksucker.

Roger!

My fountain isn't spurting.

Can you make it spurt?

Spurting is my specialty.

I'm on my way,
Mrs. Ashmore.

( grunting )

Oh!

Roger!

( coughing )

Hey, what are you doing
swimming?

This is a business,
that is unprofessional.

- Wine cooler, boy?
- Sounds delightful.

Oh, look it--
David's back!

Thanks, Roger!

So this is what
your life is like.

You work for about an hour
and then you sit around

drinking with
half-naked women?

Not always.

Sometimes
they're fully naked.

You weren't
really in Michigan

speaking at an engineering
conference, were you?

No, I actually
just wanted to see

my cousin graduate
valedictorian

and it just so happened to
coincide with PoolCon,

our annual trade show.

( laughing )

Pool cleaners
have trade shows?

Yes, why is that funny?

You have to stay up
with technology.

Look, I know you think
that I have a crap job,

but keeping a pool is a lot
like life, right?

Make sure you
have enough water,

your chemicals are balanced

and you keep the scum away
and you'll be all good.

Good morning, sunshine.

Just another beautiful day
in paradise.

is it me or did the world
just get very dark?

Maybe it's an eclipse.

Has to be a full moon
for an eclipse.

You sure you got
into Harvard?

Ahh, it touched my face.

- Tom, turn the valve on!
- You got it.

Hey.

There's a big tent thing over
my-- my place of residence.

- is that so?
- What's going on?

Vermin infestation, boy.

We gotta
fumigate the building,

we gotta fumigate the whole
building,

right to left
to the top to the bottom.

That sounds toxic.

( sniffing )

Oh, shit.

Roger?

Eddie?

Hey, hey, get up, man!

Back off, man!

it's the aliens, man!

We didn't pay our
intergalactic taxes

and now they're gassing us!

Snap out of it!

We need to get to Wyoming
to the Devil's Tower.

- And we need mashed potatoes!
- I'll get you out of here.

- We need mashed potatoes, man!
- I got you, man!

I'm talking about mashed
potatoes, mashed potatoes!

The aliens, man, are gonna
suck our brains out,

we're totally screwed!

( wheezing )

That's my cousin,
choking out on the ground.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

You just saved my life, man.

I owe you huge.

- Don't worry about it.
- No.

I will train.

I will be your ward,
your page.

Robin to your Superman.

Wherever you go,
I will protect you.

it's-- it's okay, Eddie.

Oh, good, 'cause I got
a shift at Applebee's at...

Oh, shit, that's right now.

it's a good thing
that this happened

or I would have been late.

Yeah.

Take it easy.

What is going on here?

Excuse me?

How long is this
gonna be on here?

- I work out of my apartment.
- Let's see.

You got 72 hours
for the termites.

You got 36 or so
for the spiders,

then you got
48 for the rats--

What-- what-- what am
I supposed to do?

I have a client at 1 0:00.

I don't know what you're
supposed to do.

You better call your client
and tell him to bring some

chalk or something for y'all can
play some hopscotch on the floor

'cause I don't know
what you're gonna do.

All right, everyone just
relax for one second.

I know a place
we can go and chill out

unless you have
a better option.

Hey, Roger, wait.

Just a-- just a second.

Hey.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on...

No, I just--

Look, will you please
talk some sense into him?

- You tell him.
- I'm trying to tell him.

- Roger!
- What?

Roger, this is not
such a good idea.

Yeah, Stenson gave me
five bucks to watch the place.

He-- he gave me the code
in case of emergency.

it's "titties."

isn't that funny?

This isn't really
an emergency, Roger.

it is for me.

Now this I could get used to.

He's got a bad-ass stereo.

( rock music blaring )

Listen to that reverb!

Hey, why don't you just send a
memo to the whole neighborhood

letting them know
we're here?

it's 1 0:00 a.m.

They're either at work,
Pilates or rehab.

it feels so good loud.

♪ I'll take you down... ♪

- ( doorbell ringing )
- Shit, um...

my client's early.

Rog, will you turn it down?

A little.

And, Alex, will you let him
in while I change?

- Yeah, okay.
- Great!

♪ I'll take you down ♪

Hello?

Yes, I'm here
to see Laura?

Uh, yeah, she's expecting you.

- Why don't you come in?
- Oh, thank you.

Sure.

is there a restroom
I could use?

Yeah, I think
it's in the office.

Thank you.

I'll just let her know
you're here.

Thank you.

Hey, Laura,
your client's here.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Alex, it's okay.

I just thought
you were dressed.

I am.

For a meeting?

What are you, a prostitute?

You're a prostitute?

We prefer "escort."

( man barking )

Mr. Burger!

Mr. Burger, sit!

Sit!

( whimpering )

Good boy.

Yes, who's a good boy?

You're a...

Yes, you're a good boy.

Yeah, you like
your bone?

You're doing
dog fetishes now?

That's bitchin'.

Hey, how come you didn't
tell me what she did?

Whoa, whoa, time out.

Alex, Laura
is an escort.

Do you feel better now?

Hey, does he do
any tricks?

( barking )

Hey, Mr. Burger.

Come here, boy!

Come here!

God, I can't believe this
is what you do.

Come here, big boy.

- Oh, those scruffy ears!
- Oh, my God.

Come here, Mr. Burger!

Oh, you're such
a good dog!

I can't be a part of this.

Okay, Alex, then I will
find someplace else.

No, well--
that's not what I--

Laura, just wait a second.

( growling )

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Mr. Burger!

No, no, no,
no, no, down!

Bad dog, bad dog!

- Off, off!
- Come here, boy!

Come get the bone!

Come on,
there you go.

Hiyah!

That's it!

Hiyah!

Thanks.

Dude, where do you get off
talking to her like that?

- She's a hooker.
- No, don't call her that.

She's my friend.

Why are you being
such a dick?

I'm not being a dick,
it's just that she's--

Oh, my God.

- You have a crush on her.
- What?

No, I don't have
a crush on her.

it makes sense,
she's a gorgeous girl.

I do not have
a crush on her!

Okay, fine, you don't
have a crush on her.

it's probably a good thing,
seeing as how

- you just drove her away.
- What?

Uh, exit, stage left.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Laura, hold on!

Laura, wait!

Alex, I don't even put up
with clients being rude

- and they pay me.
- No, please.

Look, look, look, look.

I'm sorry, okay?

it's-- it's just
this whole thing just

really caught me
off-guard and--

Look, I would never
want to insult you.

Please don't go.

Promise me
you're cool with this.

Yeah, I'm totally
cool with this.

( Mr. Burger urinating )

He's peeing on me,
isn't he?

it just means he likes you.

( panting )

What in the world
is this?

Vegan barbecue salad
with seitan edamame

and cashew soy cheese.

How could you eat that?

The body is
your temple, Alex.

You should be very particular
about what you put in it.

isn't that kind of ironic
coming from a--

Wait, no, no, no.

Look, I'm just trying to
understand.

I mean, your temple does get
more worshipers than most.

Yes.

Yes, but I don't
let in just anybody.

You know, they have to
be clean,

they have to
take off their shoes.

I never let anybody
use the back door.

Look, Alex, I have a very
select group of clients.

Most of my clients
don't even want to have sex.

They just have some fantasy
they want to play out, y'know?

Plus, I'm putting away
a lot of money.

I'm not gonna
do this forever.

I'm gonna get
some more wine.

Red or white?

I don't know, what goes
good with Satan?

it's seitan.

And white.

So, what are we
doing tomorrow?

I'll tell you what
we're not gonna do.

We're not gonna worry about
your scholarship.

What are you talking about?

Dude, you don't need
a scholarship

if you can
pay for a full tuition.

What, are we gonna
rob a bank now?

No.

Something better.

♪ A little bit of me... ♪

Good morning, Alex.

Roger: See, I'm always
thinking.

I mean, I was smart enough to
get into Harvard, right?

So I figure, here we
are in this huge house

and I know Laura's got friends
in the lady business.

I should have told
Alex what I was thinking,

but I don't know.

I thought it'd be fun to see
the look on his virgin face

when he found out
what I had cooked up.

Good morning!

Your house is
"wunderbar."

And what a great pool.

♪ A little bit of me... ♪

Roger, these women are
all prostitutes.

Alex, prostitutes wear
tube tops, clear heels

and chew Bubblicious.

These women are
professional escorts.

We had a little extra space
in the house,

so I asked myself,
"Self, what would Jesus do?"

Jesus would open a brothel?

Jesus was down
with Mary Magdalene

and she was a pro, kid.

Now, you've already met
the tectonic wonder

Hedda, all right,

but over by
the stereo is Julia.

But don't pronounce the "J,"
it's "Hoo-lia. "

I already got
busted for that.

And on the couch is Lin.

Now, Lin doesn't speak
a lick of English,

but she is
pierced head to toe.

How fucking hot is that?

Watch this.

Hey, Lin!

I like your boobs!

She has no idea
what I'm saying.

She thinks I'm asking her
what time it is.

But my favorite is Debbie.

Au naturel and built
like a brick shit house.

Wanna know the best part,

other than the fact that they're
all ridiculously hot,

is that as the house,

we get 30% of
whatever they make.

The thing I always forget

is Alex is the world's biggest
pessimist.

I need to talk to you for
a second, get in here.

Why are your
panties all in a bunch?

Are you out of your mind?

I know talent when I see it

and there's a Huggy Bear
in there somewhere.

No, I'm not gonna
become a pimp,

it's incredibly illegal.

So is squatting,
yet here we are.

Only because you
roped me into it.

Okay, look,
you're gonna make some money,

you're gonna pay for Harvard,

you're gonna have
the summer of your life.

No.

I'm gonna continue
cleaning your pools

until I can find
a real job.

Okay.

( buzzer ringing )

That's a mistake, though.

♪ I'm gonna party
like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked
in a hotel room... ♪

Roger: I think Nietzsche said,

the best way to let
a man learn

is from his own mistakes.

Or is that an episode of
"Kung Fu"?

♪... around my car ♪

♪ And party
like a rock star ♪♪

Hey, the pool boy.

Whoa.

- Where's my man, Roger?
- I'm filling in for him.

Frank Priestley, US Army.

- Sure, yeah.
- Retired.

Kind of late,
aren't you, son?

Yeah, it's just been a really
long day, sir, I'm sorry.

Well, my pool shouldn't
take you too long.

I'll be inside
if you need anything.

Yeah.

Hey, cuz.

How was your day?

Oh.

My day was great.

Clogged filters
and then algae that I think

was growing other algae.

isn't that the life?

I'm choosing to think of it
as a case study

on why not to
drop out of college.

How was yours?

Oh, you know,
it was all right.

I mean, we didn't make
that much money,

but other than that,

it was pretty
un-freaking-believable.

Dude, beautiful women
asking me

to apply lotion
all over their bodies

and then to re-tie bikinis.

I had to take off
three pairs of leather pants

and I started snooping around

and I found Stenson's
stash of cigars

and I found some
great porn and his

- Oh!
- Speedo collection.

No, Roger--

is that--

Goddamn it, that is
really unsanitary.

I'm sorry
about that, cousin.

Are you putting your money
in a sock?

Yes, I am.

I would have
put it under the mattress,

but they were all in use.

Genius.

Let me guess.

Japanese guy with a literary
fetish under the bed.

Just me trying to chill.

Running this place is actually
harder than I expected.

I thought Roger was
taking care of all that.

Yeah, well, Roger
is enthusiastic

but he gave two clients the
wrong directions here today

and double-booked Lin
with Mr. Gibbs and Mr. Ramsay.

Luckily, both guys
were into it.

( laughing )

Yeah, it's been so busy.

I actually haven't had time
for a client all day.

Oh, wow,
that's too bad.

You know, um...
if you wanted to help out,

Roger said you've got a real
head for numbers.

Well, I don't wanna brag,

but I did break all
the sales records

as business manager
of the school newspaper

and was runner-up in

the Michigan State
Econ Olympics and...

None of that sounds cool when
you say it out loud.

So good night.

Good night, Alex.

You have been a very,
very bad boy.

Oh, sorry, you scared me
a little bit.

I don't think
we've met, my name's Alex.

You must be one of
Laura's friends.

Or not.

- Did I tell you to talk?
- What?

I don't know what's going--

Oh, ahh!

Are you crazy, lady?

( screaming )

Whoa!

- Stay!
- What are you, sick?

You make me puke.

You pathetic, disgusting,
loathsome,

- shrimp dick excuse of a man.
- Ahh!

You putrid donkey shit!

Roger,
somebody help me!

Bree, stop!

You're in the wrong room!

Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.

I am so sorry,
are you all right?

Here-- here, let me--

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
you went to Camp Tamakwa?

I went to Camp Winnepisaqui
right across the lake.

That's where
Sam and I met.

Go, fighting Beavers!

Well, I gotta go do
the whole discipline thing,

so it was really nice
meeting you.

Bye.

Julia!

Oh!

So, so sorry,
I forgot my gimp.

( giggling )

Thanks, Rog.

Those girls are amazing.

I mean, they let me do
the flaming porcupine.

I'm in love-- real love!

Gall dang!

So, Jimbo, maybe we should
pay the piper?

Huh, a little
settle-up time?

Uh, yeah.

See, I'm gonna need
to broker right now,

but we got Modest Mouse playing
at the club tomorrow night.

How about
I hook you up VIP?

Call it even?

Me likey big time.

- Yeah.
- Deal.

Woo!

And you're welcome back
anytime big Jimbo.

Modest Mouse.

( Hedda clearing throat )

Did you just take our services
for a rock concert?

Actually, I would call
Modest Mouse

more emo than rock.

Damn it, Roger,
that is not the point.

Okay, if we're gonna have
this conversation,

you're gonna have to
cover those puppies up.

You know what, we don't do
charity lays, Roger.

This isn't high school.

Goddamn, I went to
the wrong high school.

Roger: Beverly Hills
might seem glamorous,

but you're not
just cleaning hot tubs.

You're cleaning famous
people's hot tubs.

Here's a little secret for you.

Famous people,
in general, are psychos.

( gun cocking )

What the fuck are you
doing on my property?

I'm just here to
clean the pool.

- Let me see your ID.
- My pool-cleaning ID?

Do not be
a smart-ass with me.

I'm a certified member of the
Beverly Hills Police Department.

I have a license to kill
you right now.

Hey.

Aren't you Tom Arnold?

No, I'm
Shaquille fuckin' O'Neal.

- You work for the law?
- I am the law, motherfucker.

And it's not some
honorary thing, either.

I took down a thief.

Okay, he was stealing
one of my plasmas.

My inner hero came out,
I went Rambo on his ass.

You beat him up?

I ran him over
with my Bentley.

And I so impressed the chief
of Police of Beverly Hills

that he gave me this.

There's a lot of weird shit
going on in Beverly Hills

people don't know about.

Now word on the street is
there's a prostitution ring

being run out of this
very neighborhood.

Do you know
anything about that?

No, no, no, I don't know
anything about that.

Damn.

'Cause I'm really
horny...

kinda perverted and...

I'd just like to be
a part of it.

All right, I'm gonna
go do my tantric yoga.

Make me real limber.

in about three weeks,
I'll be able to blow myself.

I may never get
married again.

You clean the pool.

And keep it quiet out here,
all right?

Quiet!

( cell phone ringing )

- Alex Sperling.
- ( gunshot firing )

Shit!

I said no fucking noise!

Roger: You see what I mean?

And Tom Arnold is one of
the well-adjusted ones.

- Here you go, Rog.
- Thanks, Brad.

Hey.

What's up, cuz?

How's the great American job
search going?

Well, I called 1 56 places,

spent 20 minutes dialing,
four hours on hold

and three minutes
being rejected by everyone

and then capped off the day by
being shot at by Tom Arnold.

You didn't get hit,
did you?

- No.
- Oh, you're fine.

How was your day?

My day was terrible,
thank you for asking.

I hung out with five
ridiculously beautiful women.

Can you say
"high maintenance"?

Look, I'm not gonna say that
I'm over my head,

but I might be just
a little bit over my head.

I could really use your help.

Really?

Yes.

- Okay.
- Seriously?

- On one condition.
- Yeah.

Go ahead and name it.

That you help me get the
Westington Scholarship.

And how do I do that?

- By doing what you do best.
- Which is?

Bullshitting.

Oh, I'm very good at
bullshitting.

Yeah, we're gonna make the
scholarship committee think

that I've been working for your

"aquatic engineering firm"
all summer, okay?

And then you can help me
with the paperwork

and the interview and
whatever else I need to do,

but I need to get that
scholarship.

Yeah, that's it?

- Deal?
- Dude, deal, yes.

You kidding me?

Bah!

So now we had
Alex' business sense,

my impressive people skills

and five girls
with majors in humping.

Still, we were missing
something.

Los muscle.

I don't think so.

Hector, we're talking about

a serious business
opportunity here.

Cara de rana, mira.

No thank you.

I have good business
already, man, okay?

Good luck.

You used
the wrong incentive.

We'll help you land
Señora Ashmore.

How would you know that?

¿Que paso?

Rogelio, why would she
go out with me, eh?

I'm a gardener.

You are a gardener.

But you are
muy handsome.

Look, I mean, dude,
she's not that picky.

Yeah, yeah, Hector,
she's a woman, she's lonely.

Yeah, all you need
is some dough.

You upgrade your ride,
you get some new threads,

take her on the kind of date
a woman like that deserves.

Bennigan's?

Olive Garden, baby.

Olive Garden.

We got business!

- All right!
- All right!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on,
hold on, buddy.

Roger: Just like that,
we were up and running.

Alex laid out
the business plan,

Hector worked security and I--

Well, I did a lot of very
important stuff.

Point is, all of a sudden,

we had a real business
on our hands.

All we needed was clients.

Luckily,
this was Beverly Hills.

You can't throw a rock in
Beverly Hills

without hitting
some horny rich guy.

Yeah, Frank's an okay guy.

I've cleaned
his pool before.

it definitely didn't
look like this.

I think it's
gonna be an easy sale.

Are you sure you don't need
Roger for that?

No, I think
I can handle it.

Oye, mira.

Look, if he decides to
call the police,

you yell out my name, okay?

- Comprendes Mendez?
- Yeah.

Comprendes, "friend-e."

I don't think it's
gonna be a problem, though.

Cuantas veces le has dicho
"comprendes Mendez"

y este no
agarra la palabra?

Esta bonita la casa, no?

Good morning, Frank.

Alex.

What are you doing here?

How many years
you been married, Frank?

Oh, God,
about 20 years, I guess.

Wow.

Sex with one person
for all those years

must be getting pretty--

Well, I don't
wanna say stale.

You can say stale.

Well, I just mean that
after all that time,

you might be
wanting a little variety?

Now, I'm sure your wife is
wonderful, but sometimes,

you're looking for
something different, right?

Are we talking...

a business transaction?

Yeah.

Something clean,
private...

and our little secret.

Oh.

Well, to be honest,
it wouldn't be the first time

- I've done something like this.
- Really?

Yeah, well, back when I was
stationed in Germany--

Well, let's just say

I might have
unloaded some friendly fire.

( laughing )

Well, a man's got to do what
a man's got to do, right?

What the hell?

- I'll do it.
- Great.

Well, we have a few different
options for you,

I mean, depending on
what your preference is.

I would probably go ahead
and recommend

the starter... package.

Ready to deploy
when you are, Private!

Oh, God!

Hector!

- Hector!
- Hector?

All right, this just keeps
getting better and better.

- Two for the price of one.
- No, no, you don't understand.

- Hector's not--
- ( glass shattering )

Oh, my God!
Shit!

I'm so-- oh, I'm really,
really sorry, Frank.

No, it's okay.

The rougher the better!

No, no, no, Frank, there's been
a misunderstanding, okay?

- Hector, please!
- Hey.

You need Hector to go first,
that's cool.

I'm up for whatever.

Pitcher,
catcher, spectator.

Frank, there's gonna be no
ball game of any kind!

So what?

You got the little general
standing at attention

and it's, "Sorry, Frank,

go back to your wife,
Frank"?

it's just that I'm not--

You're just like Gary
from racquetball--

pants down, pussy out!

( groaning )

Oh, yeah, incoming.

Oh, Mexican sneak attack,
I love it!

( yelling )

You didn't know Frank was gay?

- He's got a wife and two kids.
- So?

That doesn't
mean anything.

This is Beverly Hills.

He probably needed
a tax write-off.

Look, it's okay, one
lost client won't kill us.

What other leads
do you have?

Well, sort of none.

You can use my leads.

Where'd you get those?

What, you think I sit
around all day jerking off

to Caitlin's workout videos?

That took like
a minute and a half.

And then I hit the town.

Country clubs, golf courses,
Porsche dealerships.

Basically, I went
anywhere where rich guys

who don't get laid
hang out.

Thank you, Roger.

Eurasia?

You're like
a little hot ninja.

With my leads,
business really took off.

Within a week, we had to fly
new girls in.

Soon, every room
in the house was rockin'.

And it wasn't just straight
humping either-- no.

We were willing to serve
any pervert with enough money.

You name it, we did it, right on
down to my favorite,

the Algerian wang-a-doodle.

♪ Everything's
all right to say ♪

♪ I'm hoping to not
getting nowhere ♪

♪ I could be wrong
you could be right ♪

♪ But I'm giving up
without a fight ♪

♪ I've got nothing left
to say ♪

♪ So I'll just
shut my mouth ♪♪

( dance music blaring )

- Keep pouring those drinks.
- You bet.

Julia, looking good.

What's up, guys?

Hey, make sure you get more
drinks at the bar, guys.

- Come on now, girl!
- Jimmy...

Jimmy is bucking
and soon we'll be fucking!

Hey, Hector, you good?

Come on, French maid,
whip it!

Whip it good!

Hey, he's one of our
best clients.

I know.

- Nice dress, baby.
- Thanks, made it myself.

You guys good,
everything's okay?

- You owe me one.
- Hey.

Are there any rooms in here

that aren't
being used for sex?

Possibly the bedrooms.

Which reminds me,
don't go in the kitchen.

Oh, wait, where are we
supposed to eat?

There's an Easy Oven in
Bethany's room,

but don't take long,
we're about to start a batch

of my famous magic brownies,
all right?

Stop looking at my penis.

Roger, you're a fuck.

Push!

Just keep pushing, push!

- Come on, Alex, we can take--
- ( cell phone ringing )

Just keep pushing,
just keep pushing her!

Yeah?

Alex, you have
the telephone call.

Tell 'em I'm busy!

They say they
call from Africa.

Oh, shit,
that's my parents!

it's my parents!

Oh, you mother and father
of Alex?

Oh, Hedda love Alex.

He's so sweet and so smart.

Here's Alex.

Hedda, Hedda, will you give
me the phone please?

Hiya, Mom, Dad.

Who was that?

That's Hedda,
Roger's office manager.

She's great.

What's up?

Honey, tell him about
the wildebeest.

Your mother wants me to tell
you that we saw a lion

chase down and kill
a defenseless wildebeest.

- How's it going with Roger?
- Tell him about the hippos.

He doesn't wanna
hear about the hippos.

How is it going with
the company?

Oh, it's really good.

Roger's...

He's hands-on.

Alex, I don't have to
remind you

how important
this scholarship is.

Don't worry, I'm not
gonna let you down.

Okay, love you!

is this why you
dropped out of Harvard?

it's effect, my brother,
not a cause.

So did you flunk out?

Dude, I never
flunked anything.

I'm talking about a 4.0,
writing for the "Crimson,"

singing with the Kroaks.

I was the BMOC.

Uhh.

So then why'd you leave?

I don't know,
I just freaked out.

All I was doing was
studying and working

and running on the treadmill

to keep up with all the other
fucked-up overachieving robots.

I hate running on treadmills.

Wow, you're really making me
excited to go, Rog, thanks.

I just want you to enjoy it.

I mean, it may be Harvard,
but it's college, right?

College is supposed to be
the best time of your life.

No, this is the best
time of my life.

Can you imagine
leaving all of this?

"And summer's lease hath
all too short a date.

"Sometime...

"too hot
the eye of heaven shines

and often is his gold
complexion dimmed."

it's tight, right?

What?

it's just Shakespeare's
way of saying

that in a few short weeks,

the Stensons will be home
and you'll be off at Harvard

and I'll be back...
cleaning this pool.

Only with slightly
fewer gambling debts.

I think I liked that better
in Shakespearean form.

Amen, my brother, amen.

You see all the people
on the ship?

Hi!

( toilet flushing )

That was the most elegant dump
I've ever taken.

it's amazing how you Americans

are always
challenging yourself.

Roger: Everything
was going well,

but we knew there was still room
for improvement.

That's why when
the bachelorette party called...

Allow me to introduce to you,

Hector El Fueg-whoa!

Go, go, go, go.

( flamenco music playing )

( grunting )

( groaning )

- Ahh!
- ( shrieking )

Can you feel it,
can you feel it?!

Give him the tushy,
give him the tushy!

- Come on chiquitas.
- Crushed!

( growling )

- That's it, son.
- Get him, get him!

He's hot tonight, ladies.

Crotch rocket, baby.

You will like it!

Ride the pony, girls.

Hey, hey!

( screeching )

Oh!

Give 'em the sex.

( grunting )

After "the flamenco incident,"
as it came to be known,

we decided to stick
with our core competencies.

... but you'll
get used to him.

Oh, and remember,

anything he says,
just go with it, okay?

Mr. Arnold?

We're here to clean your pool.

Stop right there,
you son of a bitch!

( grunting )

No, no, no, no!

Mr. Arnold, please, stop!

Ahh...

Alex, I'm sorry, man,
I didn't recognize you.

I'm really high on mushrooms.

- I'm sorry, Alex.
- Cool.

Those chicks
are hot, man.

They're really hot, man.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh...

Whoa.

Am I glad I got my new
defibrillator

after my last
heart attack.

I'm just kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm healthier
than I ever have been.

I swim three laps
in that pool every day

whether I need it or not.

- Tom Arnold.
- Clarissa.

- Clarissa.
- Trish.

Trish.

- You guys are a couple, right?
- Yes.

Yeah, well, I couldn't want to
get your names wrong

in the heat of the battle.

I'm gonna show you
my very own Golden Globe.

I've almost got Roseanne's name
completely scratched off of it.

( glasses clinking )

To us.

How magical.

Another prom night
to remember.

Shall I fetch
the children's menu?

- Joon?
- Lin!

( laughing )

( speaking foreign language )

Girl!

( speaking foreign language )

I'll bring you a nice
bottle of Dom.

All right, Lin, yes!

Dude, I thought you were,
like, Cuban or something.

Damas y caballeros.

Con permiso.

Excuse me.

There is a flower
that needs to be attended.

He is a gardener.

A rose for a rose.

Buenas noches,
Señora Ashmore.

Hector, what a pleasant
surprise.

A beautiful woman
shouldn't be alone.

Will you join me
for dinner tonight?

Oh, I would love to.

This place is really nice,
but I prefer Olive Garden.

- Olive Garden!
- Yeah!

La cuenta, cabrón!

- Thank you.
- For what?

You're actually one of the best
friends I've ever had.

Then thank you.

Although...

What?

Never mind.

it's just that, you know,
best friends,

it's usually not...

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

Hey.

Don't knock friendship.

Finding someone you care
about who cares about you,

that's the hard part.

Okay, maybe Alex had other
things on his mind.

His big interview for
the Westinghouse Scholarship

was the next day,

so while everyone was
sleeping off their hangovers,

we made the downstairs look
legit and professional.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, he's here!

Oh, my God,
he's here!

Let him in
and act like a pro!

Not like a pro,
like a secretary!

Shit.

- All right, ready?
- Yeah.

Hello, sir,
and welcome to your...

And just when I thought things
were going perfect.

Roger?

What the hell are you doing
here... in my suit?

Oh, my God,
is that my Prada?

- it looks so good on you.
- Thank you.

Caitlin, please.

Bethany,
go to your room.

( blowing raspberry )

Will you do something?

Tucker's gonna be here
any second!

Roger.

Mr. Stenson.

What the hell is
going on here?

( laughing )

There is a...

We are here and we saw...

You're not supposed
to be home yet.

Well, Bethany didn't
like France.

They were all
ruder than she was.

I can see that.

( Bethany screaming )

Bethany!

I'm sure she's fine.

( Bethany screaming )

Daddy, Daddy!

Oh, my God, Daddy,
look what they did!

( screaming )

Bethany!

Oh!

They turned him
into a girl!

Sir, without a penis, it was
really just a matter of time.

They broke my tea set,
bent my baton

and they used
my Easy Oven!

You-- you didn't eat one of
those brownies, did you?

I can eat whatever I want!

it's my oven and it's my
room and it's my...

my... my...

I could so eat the fuck out
of a milk shake right now.

Let's leave
your daddy alone.

You're pretty.

Okay, Mr. Stenson.

Sir, we apologize,
but...

I think there's something that
we could probably work--

Save your breath, kid.

So, considering that
you stole my clothes,

you turned my home into
a whorehouse,

I have one question for you.

- How much you make here?
- What are you talking about?

Spare me, Sperling.

I'm an asshole,
not an idiot.

These girls are hookers, huh?

- Hey.
- You're a hooker, right?

( laughing )

Hey!

- They prefer "escorts."
- Oh, really?

How much did you make?

if I were a couple of stoner
idiots running a brothel,

where would I hide my stash,
I have to ask myself, huh?

So...

Oh, yeah, getting warm,
getting warmer, huh?

I'm hot--
ooh, I'm on fire.

Oh, yeah, I'm right
on the money.

Shit.

What do we got here?

Let's see here.

Oh, the mother lode.

( chuckling )

Now, I'm a businessman,

so I'm gonna
give you a choice.

Option one: I call the cops,
you go to jail.

Option two: you hand over
whatever you made to me.

We can call it rent.

( doorbell ringing )

Excuse me.

I'm not sure
I have the right house.

I'm looking for
Alex Sperling?

Yes.

Hello, I'm Alex Sperling.

Donovan Tucker, Westington
Scholarship Committee.

Absolutely.

This doesn't
taste like cherries.

is she okay?

Sorry, sir,
the whorehouse is closed.

Whorehouse?

I think you misunderstood.

I'm from the Westington
Scholarship

for Business Leadership.

I have an interview
with Alex here.

Oh, we gotta talk.

And that was the end of Alex's
scholarship interview.

I am-- I'm so sorry,
you guys.

Why?

I'm not.

Come on, who needs that guy
and his scholarship?

You know, what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger.

That's Nietzsche, right?

Nietzsche died
syphilitic and insane.

Well, I'm just saying,
this could be a good thing.

Who wants to get on
that treadmill

with those
fucked-up robots anyway?

That's what you said, right?

- You don't mean that.
- Yeah, I do.

Come on, we've still got
the clients and the girls.

Alex, I don't
think you fully understand

what just happened here.

This is your life-- Harvard,
your future, everything.

Oh, come on, Laura.

Hey, give her time,
let her go.

Well, what's she
so upset about, man?

I mean, this is the life of
fun and freedom, right?

Not Harvard.

You think this is freedom?

Freedom is
graduating college

and having your pick of
careers, right?

it's income and respect

and choices-- choices,
dude, that's freedom.

And this, this is bullshit.

Look, I can scrounge together
some money

to get you a ticket back--

Why the fuck
should I listen to you?

You've been lying to me
for years

and the fact of the matter is

is that if you would have been
man enough to admit

that you were a pool boy

I'd probably never be out here
in the first place,

because I sure as hell

would never spend my entire
summer with a loser!

Leave the homeless man alone.

Hey, it's my
guardian angel!

What the heck are you
doing here, man?

Come here,
give me some love, bro.

So good to see
you, man.

Hey, guess what?

I learned Mexican.

I gotta tell you, man.

Getting booted out of
that shit-hole apartment,

best thing that ever
happened to me.

Really?

Yeah, I left town and went
and lived a little bit

and I just cleared
the biggest deal

- of my life down in Oaxaca.
- Congratulations.

And it is all
thanks to you, man.

This guy is a lifesaver!

No, seriously, man.

Everybody had written old Eddie
off, but you saved me,

'cause you gave me
the best advice of my life.

Really, what was that?

You said,
"Snap out of it!"

And I was like, fuck, man!

This little bird
here is right.

I gotta grow a pair and man up
my own shit, you know?

Just because you're at
the bottom, doesn't mean

- you're out, right?
- Sure.

if you were at the bottom, you
know which way you're swimming,

- you know what I'm saying?
- What?

Right, puppies?

Hey, I'm gonna go get
strip-searched.

Buenos tacos, man!

What's up, fellas,
how you doing?

He's a good kid, you know.

I mean, he's good-looking
and he's smart.

He's better off than
both of us put together.

- You must be very proud.
- Thanks, Brad.

I don't know if
it's proud, really.

Jealous is more like it.

- I knew you'd be here.
- Speak of the devil.

What, did you come back to
insult me some more?

No.

I apologize, okay?

I was a real asshole.

Wow, all right.

Apology accepted.

So what's up,
you need air fare?

No, no.

I'm not going back to Michigan
with my tail between my legs.

I was thinking, if we get
all the girls together,

if we get all
the clients together,

we could make a lot of money.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

You know, one good party,

we could make three or four
Harvard tuitions.

You know what you could do?

You could make...

two full tuitions and, like,
killer housing, with books.

Why would we need two?

Look, they always said to me,

when you're ready to
come back, come back.

And I'm thinking...
I'm ready.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

This is great,
that's great.

One good party then.

One big fucking bash.

- All right.
- All right?

Yes, let's do it.

Hi.

So we came up with
a plan to get our money back,

but we're gonna
need your help.

Don't panic.

it's like my good friend
Aristotle once said.

He said, "in the arena
of life, it is..."

♪ Look at me ♪

Fuck what that guy said.

♪ More than the blood
in my veins ♪

♪ The scenery ♪

♪ is changing so fast... ♪♪

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I have some experience
with bad decisions

and I was upset
that you weren't

taking your future seriously.

But you don't walk out on
people you care about.

Even if they're
being an idiot?

Especially if they're being
an idiot.

Yeah, you used the wrong
incentive, pal.

Yeah, I got that much.

So what's the plan?

I'm so excited!

We're gonna have champagne
fountains and tiki torches

and I have the perfect
caterer.

We used him for
my husband's funeral.

God rest his soul.

♪ Me siento loco
por tu amor ♪

My friends!

What are you doing here?

Honey, we're
gonna have a party.

Like last night?

Yeah, but just
with more people.

♪ Let the rain
fall down on me ♪

♪ it feels so good ♪

♪ Feels so good ♪

♪ And let me take
control of you ♪

♪ You know I could ♪

♪ You know I would... ♪

Hey, how's it going?

Good to see you.

Hello, ladies.

Have a good time.

Joon, thank you
so much for coming.

I am at your service.

Okay.

Carry on, all right?

Hey, Eddie!

- Yo, Alex.
- What are you doing here, man?

I thought you were
in jail.

Bailed out this morning.

My dad's the biggest
lawyer in LA.

Cool.

- Have fun, okay?
- Drinks.

Hey, have fun, sir.

Hey!

Oh, get out of here.

You don't
look so bad yourself.

Are you ready to start
this party?

"Hell yeah.

Where do you
want me to set up?"

Uh, out back?

Okay, good.

Good work, boys,
thank you very much.

So you know sign language?

it's either that

or I just told our
DJ to steal second base.

Well, not to be critical,
but our DJ's deaf?

Beethoven was deaf
every day of his life.

He rocked out.

Yeah, but he was
smart and stuff.

Hey.

Good luck.

♪ Let the rain
fall down on me ♪

♪ it feels so good ♪♪

Trish, there you are.

Someone said you were
looking for me.

What's wrong, you okay?

Roger, Mr. Lewis passed out
halfway through my session.

Do I charge him full price
or half price?

No, double,
charge him double.

Teach him a lesson.

Okay, good, there you go.

Mrs. Stenson,
what are you here?

Are-- are you even
21 years old?

I know, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to
crash your party,

but it sounded like
so much fun.

Don't-- don't touch her.

Hey, cuz,
what's up, man?

- This party's banging.
- ¿Alex, Alex, donde estas?

¿Donde estas?

Hey, hey, hey,
tut-tut-tut-tut-tut...

No, no, no, no, no, no,
ta-ta-ta-ta-ta nada!

The basement is supposed to
be the dungeon

and this one brought her
first two guys down there.

( cell phone ringing )

Roger, answer this.

Hey, ladies,
please, ladies!

Just, um...

Okay, how about
you take the first

20 minutes in the dungeon,
you take the second.

is 20 minutes good, pal?

That's bullshit!

Hey, Uncle Marty,
what's going on?

What's all that noise?

Oh, just a little
Harvard soiree.

A couple of the alumni boys
and I thought

we'd send Alex off right.

Oh, it's a great idea.

is James Kellogg there?

You know, he runs the business
school at Harvard

and he's in town
giving a lecture.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
he's not here.

Bob Knuss there?

No.

Okay, well, look,
don't tell Alex,

but Nancy and I have
a long layover here in LA

and we're gonna come by
and surprise you guys.

Mission accomplished.

Okay, we'll see you soon.

He can't wait.

What the hell
are we gonna do?

I'm dead, I am dead.

Dude, did I tell
your parents

that we were
running a brothel?

Did I tell them that we were
big ol' pimps?

Did I tell them
anything other than the fact

that we were having
a Harvard function?

We could totally do it.

Okay.

We can do this.

We have to do this.

Hello.

How's it going?

My name is Roger Sperling,

I'm one of your host/pimps
for this evening.

First of all, I wanna
say thank you all so much

for changing into your Harvard
garb so quickly.

You all look fantastic and very
stuck-up, so thank you for that.

A couple points I wanna
talk about tonight.

it's essential that at any time

we are outside of
the bang-bang rooms,

we maintain the Harvard persona,

'cause we don't
want young Alex

to get busted by his
parents, okay?

A couple talking points.

Your favorite class is
Professor Dougal's

intro to Psych.

Everyone loves that class.

You always
played lacrosse, squash

or ultimate Frisbee
in the quad.

Any sport that takes
no athletic ability whatsoever,

you played it.

And if you run out of
anything to say,

just talk shit about Yale.

Got it?

I mean, it's genetic,
it works every single time.

Okay, everyone good?

Uh... yeah.

Are we still
gonna get laid?

That's a big fuck yeah.

( cheering )

- Just...
- You look great.

Here, you've got...

They're here, they're here!

They're here!

What are you wearing?

That's not Harvard,
that's Berkeley!

Get out, out, out!

All right, everyone,
they are here.

Please look
uptight, thank you.

There's a huge bulge
in my throat.

Hi, honey!

- it's so good to see you.
- Hey, Roger, great to see you.

- How you doing?
- Hi!

You survived the wildebeests.

- Class of '06 or '07?
- Oh, stop it.

Good to see you.

Well, this is quite
a mixer, Alex.

I see you've made quite a few
fans here in Los Angeles.

Oh, he certainly has.

Oh, Mom, Dad,
this is Laura, my...

Girlfriend.

Yeah, my girlfriend.

Alex, you never said anything
about a girlfriend.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, what
a radiant young lady.

I hope you're keeping Alex
on the straight and narrow.

Actually, it's more
the other way around.

Hello, party people!

Jimmy's here, flushed with
dough and ready to roll!

Fire me up some poontang if
you'd be so kind, my good man.

Hey, guys, look, it's
Brother Jimmy.

Brother Jimmy, yeah!

Fire me up!

I'll get you another glass of
poontang from the bartender.

Ooh, I'll have
some poontang.

Remember, honey?

Oh, you couldn't get enough
of it in St. Barts.

it's like
sangria, only pinker.

The minute it touches
your tongue,

you get that warm
and fuzzy feeling.

if anyone would like a taste,
I'd be happy to share mine.

I'm sure there's enough
poontang

to go around, sweetheart.

Listen, Alex, I have invited
some more of my alums,

I hope you don't mind.

No, Dad,
that's be great.

Excuse me,
is this the Harvard party?

Does a Yaley suck the cock?

( laughing )

He certainly does,
oh, yes.

Oh, mercy.

You certainly nailed them.

( laughing )

James Kellogg, Dean of
Harvard Business, '69.

Eddie Hettinger, missionary.

How noble.

- is this your-- your wife?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is the missus.

We met in Professor Dougal's
intro to Psych class.

Oh, Dougal!

That fat bastard
failed me twice.

( siren blaring )

All right.

Keep this parked
out front.

if you put one scratch on that,

I'm having you deported back to
whatever third-world shit hole

you come from, brother.

I'm-- I'm from New Jersey.

Sorry.

Still-- still got
family back there?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, God.

Listen...

maybe this'll help buy
some of them their freedom,

at least the women
and children.

Take it.

Don't be proud.

Party!

( Eddie chuckling )

Kinky.

Jamie K, answer me
this, bro.

When a Smurf goes without
having sex for a long time...

what color do his balls turn?

You know, I spend all day around
the cream of the crop

of grad students.

That is the deepest,
the most penetrating observation

I've heard in years.

Really?

'Cause my mom
thinks I'm a slacker.

- No, fuck that bitch.
- Seriously!

Do you know
that I am the dean,

the dean of the Harvard
Business School.

You want to go?

- Do you?
- Sure.

You're in!

( laughing )

Do you have any peyote?

They asked me, how do I
become a big star like you?

And I say, "You can take
acting lessons,

"but that's a waste of money,

'cause I never took 'em
and look at me."

What I suggest you two do,

make a little video,
home video, have some nudity.

I have a MySpace page under
Hugh Munguspenis, that's me.

Send it to me,

- and I'll check it out.
- Hey, Tom, Mr. Arnold,

I'd like you to meet someone.

Excuse me.

Well, well, well.

What a finely aged
piece of meat we have here.

I beg your pardon?

I'm Tom Arnold.

- Tom, that's my mother.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, come here.

( whispering )

Um, you know what?

That's a little sick.

I'm not one to judge.

You don't have to
whore-out your mom,

not at least until midnight.

She's here for
the Harvard mixer.

The Harvard mixer?

- What the hell's that?
- it's...

a-- a covert operation.

Everyone's on
a need-to-know basis.

Okay.

But keep me better
informed, all right?

Don't make me
look stupid!

Come on!

Mom, Mr. Arnold here
is actually rehearsing

for a movie role.

isn't that right, Tom?

No.

No, Mr. Arnold does not
rehearse for film roles.

Mr. Arnold becomes his
film roles.

if you saw my episode of
"Beyond the Actor's Studio,"

or whatever the fuck
it's called,

you'd know that I didn't
just play Stanley Stupid,

I became Stanley Stupid.

- Howdy, Private.
- Hey, Frank.

Whoa, Frank, what the hell
are you doing, man?

I just lost at poker.

You're playing strip poker
at a Harvard party?

Strip poker?

That would have been fun.

You wouldn't
wanna play, would you?

No, no, no, no, no, no,
I don't wanna play.

Just cover it up, okay?

Fine.

So the story I heard was that
she could still say

she's a virgin 'cause she's
only taken it up the butt.

Something she worked out with
her father, you know, and...

So tell me, does the
carpet match the drapes?

Don't tell me,
don't tell me.

I hope you have carpet.

I mean, it's okay
if you don't,

but a lot of
the young gals these days,

they got none and I miss it.

I miss carpet.

Would you please excuse me,
Mr. Arnold?

I really need to
get some more poontang.

You know, you could have
told me that up-front?

Hey, Alex, some lady
was looking for you.

What lady, Eddie?

Older...

medium herring...

smell like peaches.

My mom?

No, no, no, no,
my mom's with Tom Arnold!

- No, no, no...
- Stroke it, stroke it!

- Whoa, hey, Tom!
- What, what?

Tom, what did
you do with my mother?

Nothing, man,
she's a fucking dyke.

Hey, where did she go,
where did my mother go?

I'm guessing she went down.

You mean down
to the dungeon?

Whatever they call it,
the furry cave.

I don't know
what it's called.

Get him, hit him!

Yes, good job,
kick his ass!

( all yelling )

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

( all shouting )

Jesus Palomino!

Ahh!

Hey, guys!

Hey, everybody!

There's a unicorn fighting
a gimp in the basement!

( record scratching )

Let's go!

( cheers and applause )

Hey, no, hey!

Hey!

What are you doing?

Get off of each other!

Get money,
get money, get money.

Hey, knock that shit off!

Yeah, try it, try it,
try it, you bitch!

Come on,
you little bitch.

You feeling horny, kid?

Whoa!

Unicorn guy!

Knock the shit off!

All right, get your
money out, everyone!

Get your money out!

$2,000 on Alex!

I'll take that action!

- Are you crazy?
- What?

You can do it, my son.

As my father
used to say to me...

Yeah.

What does that mean?

it really
doesn't translate.

Okay, good talk.

Meet the devil.

Huh, come on!

Hey, everyone time out!

Come on, bring it on.

Bring it on!

( all cheering )

Sweep the hoof!

Come on, I said bring it on,
where is he?

- Come on!
- ( barking )

Fist me.

Oh, that's
supposed to scare me?

He is calling his shot!

Roger: This probably wasn't
the best decision of Alex' life,

not with dear old
Mom and Dad upstairs.

( whinnying )

Oh, my!

( cheering )

Yeah, whoo!

( all cheering )

Yeah!

And now, the winner...

by fisting
in the fuzz...

the victor, the one,
the only...

Alex!

What the hell
is going on in here?

Buzzkill.

Oh!

Howdy!

Shit!

Ouch.

Sorry I'm late for
the sing-along.

Anyone know "Fair Harvard"?

♪ Fair Harvard ♪

♪ We join in thy
Jubilee throng-- ♪♪

Zip it!

Alexander Hamilton Sperling,

I have never,
in all my life,

been so humiliated
by my own son!

Alex, I hope you have a good
explanation for all this.

Yeah, I do, Dad.

Mom.

I'm a pimp.

What?

( laughing )

You-- you're a pimp?

He's-- he's
putting us on.

Oh.

I mean, come on, Alex.

if you were a pimp,
there would be prostitutes

and...

a dominatrix

and... sex toys

and...

and Tom Arnold
would be here.

Oh, my God, you are a pimp.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?!

Excuse me, folks.

This looks like one of those
private family--

You stay!

Why are lesbians so angry?

Look, I can explain.

- You can explain!
- Yes, I can explain.

Oh, I can't wait
to hear this.

We'd all like to hear.

Anybody else
have any plans?

I lost the Westington
Scholarship.

Lost the Westington
Scholarship?

So Roger and I started
this escort service

but then the guy's
house who we were using,

he extorted all of
our earnings

and busted me to
the scholarship committee,

so we threw this party to
earn back our tuitions.

What do you mean
"our tuitions"?

Yeah, Roger's a pool boy

and he dropped out
of Harvard.

Yeah, but not
in that order.

Whoa.

( laughing )

Okay, your mother's hysterical,
are you happy, huh?

No... come on.

Nobody's hurt,
the police didn't come and--

I've made a lot of mistakes,

but I take full responsibility
for all of 'em.

isn't that what a Harvard
man does, Uncle M.?

He's right.

Honey.

And you have enough tuition
for both of you?

Oh, yeah.

This is a hell of a lot
better than any other

Harvard party
I've ever been to.

I guess I'll buy you
another poontang.

Drinks are on me.

( all cheering )

♪ Take your money
take your money ♪

♪ Take your money
and get on the dance floor ♪♪

Show me your boobies
and get in the air!

- How you doing, muchacho man?
- Great.

So you need anything,
food, water?

No thanks, Hector.

I'm doing really well.

Hey, me too.

Or not.

All right, you two
are a lovely couple.

Sperling,
I wanna talk to you.

Bye.

I'm a little busy now.

You're gonna have to find
somebody else to extort.

Screw you, Sperling,
I'm looking for my wife.

- I know she's here somewhere.
- Why, did her babysitter call?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't fuck with me, Sperling.

You're right, I apologize.

Man, I'm gonna show you
the kind of respect

that you deserve.

Your wife is there.

- Marco!
- Polo!

Hey, honey!

Get your Speedos, we're
gonna play some volleyball.

( cell phone camera clicking )

I've been looking for something
to put on my Christmas card.

Now, how much do you think
it's gonna cost you to pay me

not to send that out to
all of my clients?

Have you met Jimmy?

Hey, Jimmy Black, sir.

Your wife's got
beautiful thighs.

You know...

Hey, Bethany!

Hi, Sweetie!

Aw...

- Bring it, Bethany!
- Hey, Daddy, look!

We're jamming!

Would you take a check?

Actually, I prefer cash.

Unmarked, nonsequential
and in a big sock.

Be right back.

Great.

So you're a pool boy?

Really more of
a pool man.

- What's that pay?
- Not as well as pimping.

Too soon for that?

A bit.

So, Alex, this whole
furry-costume-fetish thing,

is that because we threw out
all your stuffed animals?

What?

No, I'm not into that,
I'm a virgin.

Oh, honey, we gotta fix that
before you to go to college.

Bye.

Dad.

I still think Harvard's lucky
to be getting you, son.

Thank you, sir.

Roger, I can't
say the same for you.

Oh, I love you,
too, Uncle M.

Hey, thanks for
not calling the cops.

Good luck.

it really sucks this thing's
coming to an end, right?

I mean, this thing
is really going now.

We got something
good here.

You know,
I could take over.

Your girlfriend has, like,
a billion dollars.

Yes, I know,

but I think it's important for
me to have my own career.

Good night, my friends.

Good night, Joon.

Domo arigato.

Good night, Private.

What a handsome couple, huh?

Oh, shit!

That's a whole lot of ass
he just grabbed.

Wait a second.

Am I the only one at the party
not getting laid?

( whistling )

You are a naughty girl.

You talk to your mother
with those hands?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm gonna say good night.

Pimpin' ain't easy.

So the party's
pretty much over.

I'm not a pimp anymore.

Which means your rules
no longer apply?

Such as...

No sex with the girls.

♪ I know
oh you said it... ♪

Roger: Holy shit,
the kid finally got laid.

♪ I'm not your savior ♪

♪ I didn't die
for you... ♪♪

Laura stocked
enough money away

to quit the escort
business forever.

She came out to Boston
and opened up her own day spa.

Alex and I, well, we started
at Harvard.

it took a while,
but we finally made it.

This is one of the finest
institutions

of higher learning
in the free world.

I mean, they don't let just
anyone into this place.

Hey, guys!

- Thank God I found you.
- Eddie?

Listen, Mather House is
having a huge bash this Friday,

so we need some serious
tail for that.

Also, I got tons
of alum coming in

for the game this weekend

and I've been selling Viagra
by the truckload,

so I'm gonna need like
four or five escorts--

No, Eddie,
we can't do that.

Damn right you can't.

What are you
thinking, young man?

We need every girl you've got
for the faculty mixer.

Oh, let's make a shopping list.

You know, they may actually
have something there.

You think?

I'm just saying.

Got a rich environment.

Look around, Roger.

Our girls would
make a fortune here.

Y'know, Alex, Alex,
seriously, I was kidding...

it wasn't a bad idea.

I mean, there's
money in Beverly Hills,

but there's old money in Boston.

With Alex business sense,
my people skills

and Laura's girls,
I figured we could make a mint.

I know it was risky
in the legal,

but sometimes you
just have to ask yourself,

what would Jesus do?

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high
so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man
don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like
the back of my hand ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ I've got a buddy who works at
a video store ♪

♪ He used to put the new
releases by the back door ♪

♪ Yeah I'd burn a couple copies
and trade 'em for pot ♪

♪ Until I got caught ♪

♪ So what? ♪

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high
so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man
don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like the back
of my hand ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high
so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man
don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like the back
of my hand ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Gonna shout it out
gonna take the blame ♪

♪ Gonna make the least of
every day ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ it's all a joke
it's all the same ♪

♪ You're stuck it in no matter
what you say ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Nothing matters
even if it did ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Nothing matters ♪

♪ Even if it did ♪

♪ I got fired from
a Burger King ♪

♪ For suckin' helium
out of a soft-serve machine ♪

♪ I've got a friend at
the video store ♪

♪ Put the new
releases by the back door ♪

♪ Oh hey ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪♪

♪ I'm gonna party
like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked
in a hotel room ♪

♪ Throw my TV
out the window ♪

♪ Smoke a bunch of indo ♪

♪ Anything to get
my mind off of you ♪

♪ Find a telephone pole to
wrap around my car ♪

♪ And party
like a rock star ♪

♪ After all the nights
we spent ♪

♪ Cuddling on the couch ♪

♪ And all the parties
I passed up ♪

♪ Because you didn't
feel like going out ♪

♪ I guarantee you Steven Tyler ♪

♪ Didn't put up
with crap like this ♪

♪ So tonight I'm
making up ♪

♪ For what I missed ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna
party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked
in a hotel room ♪

♪ Throw my TV out
the window ♪

♪ Smoke a bunch of indo ♪

♪ Anything to
get my mind off of you ♪

♪ Find a telephone pole to
wrap around my car ♪

♪ And party
like a rock star ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ugh ♪

♪ And the more
I think about it ♪

♪ The less it hurts inside ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight
I'm wanted dead ♪

♪ Or alive ♪

♪ I'm gonna
party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked in
a hotel room ♪

♪ Throw my TV
out the window ♪

♪ Smoke a bunch of indo ♪

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