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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:32,160 HI, MY NAME IS ABEL 2 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:35,629 AND I SAW A POST ON BLACKOUT'S FACEBOOK PAGE 3 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,599 THAT A DOCUMENTARY IS BEING MADE... 4 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:42,170 ...IS BEING MADE ABOUT BLACKOUT 5 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:45,206 AND THAT THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE FILMMAKERS. 6 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:47,441 YEAH, THAT YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE 7 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:50,311 TO INTERVIEW, SO I WAS INTERESTED IN SPEAKING WITH YOU GUYS. 8 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,479 I DON'T KNOW WHAT 9 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:53,080 THE FILMMAKERS ARE LOOKING FOR, 10 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,616 BUT IF YOU THINK I MIGHT BE USEFUL-- 11 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,518 HAVEN'T BEEN TO BLACKOUT, BUT, UH, 12 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,220 IT SOUNDS INTRIGUING 13 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,621 AND I'D LOVE TO BE CONSIDERED. 14 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,291 THANKS, GUYS. TALK TO YOU SOON. BYE-BYE. 15 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:15,636 SO, THIS WAS GOING TO BE AN OFFICE CALENDAR 16 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,206 MARKING SOME DEADLINES THAT I NEEDED TO MEET 17 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,441 BUT IT BECAME MY BLACKOUT CALENDAR, 18 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,444 WHICH IS, BASICALLY, A COUNTDOWN 19 00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:25,879 TO BLACKOUT. 20 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,648 AND, OF COURSE, I HAVE IT IN THE CORNER OF MY OFFICE 21 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,217 AND PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME, 22 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,385 "WHAT ARE THE THREE DOTS FOR?" 23 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:35,223 I USED TO WAKE UP EARLY ON SATURDAY MORNINGS 24 00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,425 AND THERE USED TO BE A TV STATION 25 00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:40,561 OUT OF NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, WE GOT THE SIGNAL FOR 26 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:43,531 AND THEY WOULD RUN MONSTER MOVIES 27 00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,233 AT 9:00 AM. 28 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:53,341 VERY EARLY ON, THE THING THAT I WAS DRAWN TO 29 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,276 WAS THE DARK STUFF. 30 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:03,317 IT-- IT SPEAKS TO ME. 31 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,333 A FRIEND OF A FRIEND, WE WERE TALKING AT LUNCH ONE DAY 32 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,269 AND HE SAID, "WELL, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS THING 33 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,470 CALLED BLACKOUT?" 34 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,505 AND I HADN'T. 35 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,574 AND THEN AS SOON AS I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH ON IT 36 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,176 I-I HAD TO EXPERIENCE IT. 37 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,512 I KNEW THAT I HAD TO TRY THIS. 38 00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:38,419 THIS IS THE BLACKOUT WEB SITE THAT I SAW. 39 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,755 REALLY SCARY. 40 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,325 BUT AFTER LOOKING AT THE WEB SITE 41 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,527 I STARTED TO HAVE SOME SECOND THOUGHTS 42 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:49,530 ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD DO THIS. 43 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,433 THE PART THAT SCARED ME THE MOST 44 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,967 WAS WHEN IT SAID THAT I HAD TO SIGN 45 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,471 A RELEASE FORM PROMISING NOT TO SUE 46 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,772 IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG 47 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:02,310 OR, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME. 48 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,211 AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. AM I SIGNING MY LIFE AWAY 49 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,414 GOING TO THIS, UH, THIS PLACE?" 50 00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,656 EVER SINCE I FIRST SAW THE SIGN 51 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,325 THAT SAID "BLACKOUT" 52 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,760 AND IT SHOWED THIS WOMAN TERRIFIED 53 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,329 WITH THIS MASK ON 54 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,230 I THOUGHT-- MY MIND HAS BEEN REELING 55 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:24,398 AND I'VE BEEN THINKING 56 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,400 "WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY DO TO ME?" 57 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,371 BY TELLING YOU 58 00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,673 THAT YOU HAVE TO SIGN A CONTRACT 59 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,241 THEN BY TELLING YOU 60 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,243 THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALONE 61 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:38,479 AND GIVE NO OTHER INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN 62 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,748 ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE OF THERE, 63 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,651 THEY TOOK ME INTO FEAR. 64 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,388 YOU ARE RELEASING CONTROL 65 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,257 AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO PROTECT YOU. 66 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,792 THAT'S TERRIFYING. 67 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,795 AND I REMEMBER ME JUST 68 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:57,665 HOVERING OVER MY KEYBOARD. 69 00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:01,602 TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF TO GO TO BLACKOUT. 70 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,808 AND MY THOUGHT WAS, "IF I DON'T DO IT, 71 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,710 I'LL ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IT WAS." 72 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:25,559 OH, I AM SO FUCKING NERVOUS. 73 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:29,062 I PAID FOR THIS. 74 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,065 I'M NOT SCARED. 75 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,402 'CAUSE I DON'T LOOK SCARED. 76 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:39,072 I AM VERY, VERY NERVOUS. 77 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,475 I'M, LIKE, SHAKING. 78 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,423 I SEE A CAMERA ON AND IT'S WATCHING ME. 79 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,332 IT'S TIME. 80 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,837 OH! 81 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:20,481 SO, IT'S APPROXIMATELY 11:50 PM 82 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:23,884 AND I AM WAITING ANXIOUSLY FOR 83 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,553 THAT MIDNIGHT E-MAIL TO COME. 84 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,843 I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM BLACKOUT. 85 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,713 THE E-MAIL IS... 86 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,782 SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE IN KIND OF, 87 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:55,883 LIKE, A WOODEN COFFIN 88 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,519 WITH A BAG OVER THEIR HEADS. 89 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:01,522 AND THERE'S, LIKE, SPIDER WEBS EVERYWHERE. 90 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,924 IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY CREEPY. 91 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,394 I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD DEAL WITH BEING 92 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,497 UNDRESSED WITH A BAG OVER MY HEAD. 93 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:14,167 I AM, MYSELF, A RECOVERING ADDICT. 94 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,838 I WAS ADDICTED TO INHALANTS. 95 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,842 WHEN I WAS USING INHALANTS I WOULD HALLUCINATE BUGS EVERYWHERE. 96 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,518 IT IS GONNA BE NERVE-RACKING 97 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,152 THAT I WON'T KNOW WHERE EXACTLY I'M GOING 98 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,987 UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE I'M GOING. 99 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,658 THE FACT THAT THEY'RE KEEPING IT SECRET 100 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,960 IS ADDING TO MY DREAD 101 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,530 BECAUSE IT KINDA GIVES ME THE IMPRESSION 102 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,832 THAT MAYBE THESE PEOPLE HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE. 103 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,645 WELL, I THOUGHT MY NERVOUSNESS 104 00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:00,548 HAD TURNED INTO EXCITEMENT THIS MORNING 105 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,583 'CAUSE I AM EXCITED 106 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:03,951 'CAUSE BLACKOUT IS TONIGHT. 107 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:07,555 I-I'VE LITERALLY LEFT MY HOME THREE TIMES. 108 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:11,892 I FORGOT MY CAR-- I LEFT-- LOST MY CAR KEYS ONCE. 109 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,563 I'VE FORGOTTEN THINGS TWICE... 110 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,903 WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH WITH THIS? 111 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,707 I KNOW IT SOUNDS SILLY, BUT... 112 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,242 I-- UH, NO-- IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, WE ALL LIVE ONCE 113 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,679 AND I GUESS WE ALL WANT TO-- 114 00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,881 WE ALL WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT'S A LITTLE 115 00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:36,984 RISK-TAKING OR SCARY, YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A WHILE. 116 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,620 AND, I GUESS, MAYBE, YOU KNOW, 117 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,689 FOR MOST PART OF LIFE HAS BEEN PRETTY BORING 118 00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,223 AND THAT'S WHY... 119 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,893 WE DO THIS. 120 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,762 THEY DID ASK WHAT WERE OUR PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS 121 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:52,900 AND I MENTIONED THAT I HAVE BAD KNEES 122 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,637 AND THAT I CAN SUFFOCATE EASILY 123 00:08:56,737 --> 00:09:00,608 WHEN A PLASTIC BAG IS PUT OVER MY HEAD. 124 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:52,559 WALKING OUT OF A BUSINESS MEETING AT NIGHT 125 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,795 THREE GUYS JUMPED ME AND THEY STOLE MY WALLET. 126 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,798 AND, UH, 127 00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,099 I ENDED UP WITH A BACK INJURY 128 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,668 AND I ENDED UP WITH A NECK INJURY 129 00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:01,735 AND I ENDED UP WITH A BLACK EYE 130 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,738 OUT OF THE SITUATION. 131 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:07,808 SO, I HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM OF VIOLENT CRIME. 132 00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,712 THERE WAS SOME RESIDUAL STUFF. 133 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,748 A WEEK AFTER THAT I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK. 134 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:18,786 JUST THAT WEIRD, EMOTIONAL-- 135 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:22,823 THAT COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH MORE SERIOUS THAN IT WAS. 136 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,993 THAT COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH MORE VIOLENT 137 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:28,061 THAN IT WAS. 138 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,814 "I, RUSSELL CORLAN EATON, 139 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,149 AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION. 140 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,753 I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW 141 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:56,056 I AM PART OF BLACKOUT. 142 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:59,727 I AM PREPARED-- 143 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,829 I AM PREPARED TO BE MARKED. 144 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:05,999 I AM READY TO BE BRANDED. 145 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:10,738 I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU." 146 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:49,176 YES. 147 00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:52,679 WHOA! 148 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,682 OH! LORD, HELP RUSSELL BREATHE. 149 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:56,950 HELP HIM BREATHE. 150 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,685 HE WANTS TO BREATHE. 151 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,788 OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT ME. 152 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,123 THAT'S IT. THERE YOU GO. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. 153 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,692 GOOD, GOOD. 154 00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,228 BREATHE. 155 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,230 BREATHE OUT. 156 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,065 BREATHE IN. 157 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,701 BREATHE OUT. OH! 158 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,436 OH, YOU KNOW YOU CAN. 159 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,239 JUST BREATHE THROUGH MY HAND. YOU KNOW IT'S OKAY. 160 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,274 YOU CAN DO IT. 161 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:25,178 WHOA. 162 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,480 OH, RUSSELL. 163 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,282 OH, HELP ME HELP YOU. 164 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:32,119 GOOD, GOOD. 165 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,053 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I JUST DID. 166 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:46,894 I'M ON THE STREETS WITH NO PANTS ON. 167 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,232 AND I CAN'T STOP SHAKING. 168 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,902 HOW DO I CUT IT OFF? 169 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,012 MY EMOTIONS ARE... 170 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,383 THEY'RE IN A BIT OF A TURMOIL. 171 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,291 I JUST WENT THROUGH BLACKOUT 172 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:22,229 AND... I COME HOME... 173 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,132 AND SEE THAT THERE ARE... 174 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,338 THREE DOTS... 175 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,376 ON MY NECK FROM WHERE THEY-- 176 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,368 I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS 177 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:40,140 BUT I THINK I SURPRISED MYSELF 178 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,043 INTO REALIZING HOW MUCH I LIKED IT. 179 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,017 AND I REMEMBER GETTING ON THE METRO 180 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:54,321 AND BEING SO HYPERAWARE 181 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,024 OF WHAT WAS GOING ON. 182 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,059 ANY TIME ANYONE MOVED, 183 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:02,095 ANY TIME SOMEONE GOT ONTO THE TRAIN OR GOT OFF THE TRAIN. 184 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:10,470 THE LINES OF THE REALITY 185 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,705 AND THE FICTION WERE BLURRING. 186 00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:19,346 IT'S A WEEK LATER. THE EXPERIENCE-- 187 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,681 I MEAN, I'VE THOUGHT OF VERY LITTLE ELSE 188 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,084 SINCE I'VE GONE THROUGH IT. 189 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:27,954 IT LEFT A HUGE IMPRESSION ON ME. 190 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,090 I KINDA WANNA GO BACK 191 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:33,226 WHICH, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED 192 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,962 AND I KINDA WANNA GO BACK TO MASTER IT, 193 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,131 TO DO IT AGAIN, TO SEE WHAT I COULD DO BETTER. 194 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,237 AFTER I WENT THROUGH BLACKOUT 195 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,306 I DID FIND THAT THERE WAS 196 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,741 A LEVEL OF ANXIETY SOMETIMES 197 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,277 AT NIGHT 198 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,512 AND I DID HAVE A FEW NIGHTMARES 199 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:56,116 WHERE FRAGMENTS OF THE EXPERIENCE 200 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,284 WOULD COME BACK. 201 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,525 IT'S ABOUT 4:00 AM IN THE MORNING. 202 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:15,135 AND I JUST WOKE FROM A VERY ODD DREAM 203 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,472 WHICH I KNOW IS BLACKOUT-ORIENTED 204 00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:22,109 AND IT WAS COMPLETELY DISORIENTING. 205 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,013 THAT THREAT OF VIOLENCE 206 00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:29,116 STAYED WITH ME FOR DAYS 207 00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:33,153 AND IT REALLY TICKLED SOMETHING 208 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:36,123 IN THE DEEP RECESSES OF MY BRAIN. 209 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,291 LIKE, "OKAY, I'M PLAYING WITH FIRE," 210 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:42,129 AND, SOMEHOW, IT FELT REWARDING. 211 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,466 I DID THINK ABOUT IT A LOT 212 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,034 AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS SUCH 213 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,036 A HEAVY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE 214 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:54,607 AND I WANTED TO GO BACK AND HAVE IT AGAIN. 215 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,491 - OH! - COME ON! COME ON! 216 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,193 - OKAY. - COME ON! 217 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,463 THREE, TWO, ONE! 218 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,265 RUN, RUN! 219 00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:53,866 RUN TO THE RIGHT! TO THE RIGHT! 220 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,269 RUN! RUN! RUN, GODDAMN IT! 221 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,604 RUN TO THE DOOR, YOU FUCKER! 222 00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:00,440 - GO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GO. RUN! - WHAT? 223 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,542 RUN. RUN. 224 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,211 ON THE GROUND! ON YOUR BACK! 225 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,112 ON THE GROUND. ON YOUR BACK. 226 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,415 UNDER THIS STAIR, BUSTER. UNDER THIS FUCKING STAIR. 227 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,550 WHAT DID YOU SAY TO US? YOU SAID, "I WANNA BE A PART OF THIS. 228 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,219 - THAT I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW-- - YES. 229 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:13,486 ...THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH BLACKOUT. 230 00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,322 THAT BLACKOUT IS PART OF ME 231 00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,357 AND I'M A PART OF BLACKOUT." 232 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,125 - OH, GOD! - AND I'M PREPARED TO BE BRANDED! 233 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,460 - OH, GOD! - I'M PREPARED TO BE MARKED. 234 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,329 THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT! THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT. 235 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,464 EVERYBODY'S GONNA KNOW. 236 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,133 I AM PART OF YOU AND YOU ARE PART OF US. 237 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,536 FOREVER. IT'S DONE. 238 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,246 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. 239 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:43,650 THEY TOOK THAT TO AN EXTREME 240 00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:48,255 WHICH... I, ACTUALLY... 241 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:49,589 DON'T KNOW IF I WAS PREPARED FOR. 242 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,367 SO, I'VE HAD ABOUT, UH, 243 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,569 I THINK-- I THINK IT'S BEEN ABOUT 244 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:04,271 AN HOUR AND A HALF 245 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,339 TO, UM-- 246 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:09,509 NO. YEAH. ABOUT THAT-- TO DECOMPRESS 247 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:12,745 AND CALM DOWN A BIT. 248 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:17,183 THEY ARE MASTERS AT GETTING UNDER YOUR SKIN 249 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:18,651 AND INTO YOUR HEAD 250 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:22,255 AND PLAYING WITH WHAT'S THERE. 251 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,357 YOU KNOW, AND, OH, BY THE WAY 252 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:27,193 IF I-- I THINK YOU CAN PROBABLY SEE 253 00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:30,297 THAT I-- THERE ARE THREE DOTS ON MY HEAD. 254 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:34,367 THAT WAS THE GIFT FROM BLACKOUT. 255 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,404 THEY ARE A PERMANENT MARKER. 256 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:41,641 THANK YOU, BLACKOUT. THANK YOU. 257 00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:01,821 WHO ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED BLACKOUT? 258 00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:05,458 I THINK THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED BLACKOUT 259 00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:07,827 HAVE GOT TO BE SICK FUCKS. 260 00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,397 THEY MUST LOVE TO TORTURE PEOPLE 261 00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:12,298 BUT THEY ALSO MUST LOVE 262 00:22:12,399 --> 00:22:15,868 TO SEE HOW PEOPLE REACT TO CERTAIN SITUATIONS. 263 00:22:17,537 --> 00:22:19,606 THIS IS AN EXPLORATION INTO FEAR, 264 00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:20,840 AN EXPLORATION IN TERROR, 265 00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:22,809 AN EXPLORATION INTO THE HUMAN PSYCHE. 266 00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:24,844 SO I THINK THEY ARE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING 267 00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:28,415 EXPLORATIONAL-- SOMETHING ALMOST SCIENTIFIC. 268 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,689 I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY INTENSE 269 00:22:36,789 --> 00:22:38,758 ABOUT THIS CHAIR. 270 00:22:42,429 --> 00:22:43,796 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 271 00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:47,333 AND THEN WHEN I GET READY FOR THE STRANGULATION 272 00:22:47,434 --> 00:22:50,570 IT WAS SORT OF LIKE, "OKAY. 273 00:22:50,670 --> 00:22:52,539 HERE WE GO." 274 00:22:54,674 --> 00:22:56,876 I WOULD DEFINITELY SAY THAT BLACKOUT 275 00:22:56,976 --> 00:23:00,447 IS A FORM OF PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE. 276 00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:06,886 THEY WANNA DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU 277 00:23:06,986 --> 00:23:09,622 NOT FORGET ABOUT IT FOR A VERY LONG TIME. 278 00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:16,829 THEY WANT YOU TO HAVE A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE. 279 00:23:16,929 --> 00:23:18,898 SO, THEY HAVE TO BE AT LEAST 280 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:22,769 A LITTLE BIT SADISTIC IN ORDER TO DO THIS. 281 00:23:27,006 --> 00:23:29,476 I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE DONE FILMING. 282 00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:36,483 IS THIS GONNA KEEP GOING? 283 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,818 - WE'RE DONE FOR THE DAY, GUYS. - WE'RE DONE. 284 00:23:43,656 --> 00:23:46,959 SO, I JUST GOT ONE OF MY E-MAILS FROM BLACKOUT. 285 00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:50,797 "UPON RECEIPT OF THIS E-MAIL FILL OUT 286 00:23:50,897 --> 00:23:53,500 THE QUESTIONNAIRE BELOW AND SEND IT BACK TODAY. 287 00:24:03,810 --> 00:24:05,978 "FULL NAME, CURRENT MAILING ADDRESS, 288 00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:10,850 HEIGHT, WEIGHT, BLOOD TYPE. 289 00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:13,620 WHAT RITUALS, MENTAL AND/OR PHYSICAL 290 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,422 DO YOU PERFORM ON A DAILY BASIS? 291 00:24:16,523 --> 00:24:18,958 DO YOU EXHIBIT ANY SUPERSTITIOUS BEHAVIORS? 292 00:24:19,058 --> 00:24:21,160 DO YOU HAVE OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS?" 293 00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:24,664 - OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS? - I HAVE O.C.D. 294 00:24:24,764 --> 00:24:26,533 I HAVE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER. 295 00:24:26,633 --> 00:24:28,835 I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED OF HAVING 296 00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:30,603 OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER. 297 00:24:30,703 --> 00:24:32,905 I DIVULGED TO BLACKOUT 298 00:24:33,005 --> 00:24:36,609 THAT I DO HAVE ISSUES DEALING WITH FAILURE. 299 00:24:36,709 --> 00:24:39,812 A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT MY POWER 300 00:24:39,912 --> 00:24:42,749 AND CONTROL. 301 00:24:42,849 --> 00:24:43,883 I GOT MATH, SCIENCE, READING. 302 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,585 MATH, SCIENCE, READING. 303 00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:46,919 AND, THEN, AS I WOULD FINISH A SUBJECT, 304 00:24:47,019 --> 00:24:48,921 MATH IS GONE. 305 00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:51,991 I'D GO SCIENCE, READING, SCIENCE, READING, SCIENCE, READING. 306 00:24:52,091 --> 00:24:54,226 WHAT I WANTED BLACKOUT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PAST 307 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:58,464 WAS, YOU KNOW, THE-- MY HISTORY OF TRAUMAS 308 00:24:58,565 --> 00:25:00,867 AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, SEXUAL ABUSE, 309 00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:03,670 HISTORY OF AN EATING DISORDER. 310 00:25:03,770 --> 00:25:08,608 I HAD GONE THROUGH A VERY LONG STRETCH 311 00:25:08,708 --> 00:25:10,677 OF NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND WORK. 312 00:25:10,777 --> 00:25:13,479 I WAS EXTREMELY FEARFUL BECAUSE OF THAT. 313 00:25:13,580 --> 00:25:14,981 BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE AN END. 314 00:25:15,081 --> 00:25:17,016 THE MOST DIFFICULT QUESTION ON THAT QUESTIONNAIRE 315 00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:19,719 WAS, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 316 00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:57,624 AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE MOVIE, "THE GAME" 317 00:25:57,724 --> 00:26:01,093 IN WHICH MICHAEL DOUGLAS' WHOLE LIFE 318 00:26:01,193 --> 00:26:04,664 IS TAKEN OVER 319 00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:06,032 BY A CORPORATION 320 00:26:06,132 --> 00:26:07,700 AS AN ELABORATE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. 321 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,637 BUT I WAS THINKING THAT, PERHAPS, YOU GUYS 322 00:26:10,670 --> 00:26:11,838 AREN'T WHOM YOU SEEM TO BE. 323 00:26:16,042 --> 00:26:17,677 I MEAN, I GREW UP 324 00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:21,848 IN A FAIRLY CONSERVATIVE PLACE. 325 00:26:21,948 --> 00:26:25,551 AND I WAS ALWAYS MUCH MORE INTERESTED 326 00:26:25,652 --> 00:26:28,821 IN THEATER AND BOOKS 327 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:30,289 AND ART 328 00:26:30,389 --> 00:26:32,725 THAN I WAS IN FOOTBALL 329 00:26:32,825 --> 00:26:36,295 WHICH MEANT THAT I WAS GAY. 330 00:26:36,395 --> 00:26:38,665 AND YOU ARE, IN FACT, PART OF BLACKOUT 331 00:26:38,698 --> 00:26:42,568 AND I HAVE REVEALED ALL MY SECRETS TO BLACKOUT. 332 00:26:42,669 --> 00:26:44,704 AS A LITTLE BOY, 333 00:26:44,804 --> 00:26:47,707 WHEN YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW YOUR SEXUALITY 334 00:26:47,807 --> 00:26:49,776 IT WAS... 335 00:26:49,876 --> 00:26:51,911 DEVASTATING... 336 00:26:52,011 --> 00:26:54,781 BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO BE LIKED 337 00:26:54,881 --> 00:26:56,849 AND I JUST WANTED TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 338 00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:10,763 MY GIRLFRIEND. 339 00:27:10,863 --> 00:27:13,032 WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? 340 00:27:13,132 --> 00:27:14,901 - MY GIRLFRIEND. - WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? 341 00:27:15,001 --> 00:27:17,103 - WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? - MY GIRLFRIEND. 342 00:27:17,203 --> 00:27:18,838 WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? 343 00:27:18,938 --> 00:27:24,610 WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? 344 00:27:24,711 --> 00:27:27,179 WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? 345 00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:42,094 EXPERIENCE THIS. 346 00:27:42,194 --> 00:27:45,732 PUT IT INSIDE! PUT YOUR HAND INSIDE! 347 00:27:50,937 --> 00:27:53,172 "I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 348 00:27:53,272 --> 00:27:54,907 SAY IT. 349 00:27:55,007 --> 00:27:57,944 "I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 350 00:27:58,044 --> 00:27:59,645 SAY IT. 351 00:27:59,746 --> 00:28:01,180 "I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 352 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:02,915 - SAY IT. - "I ACCEPT THIS 353 00:28:03,015 --> 00:28:04,416 AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 354 00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:06,218 "I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 355 00:28:06,318 --> 00:28:07,954 KEEP GOING, "I ACCEPT THIS 356 00:28:08,054 --> 00:28:09,055 AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 357 00:28:09,155 --> 00:28:10,656 FUCKING SAY IT! 358 00:28:10,757 --> 00:28:11,924 "I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE 359 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:14,927 - OF MY WORSHIP." - AGAIN. HARDER. 360 00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:15,962 LOUDER. 361 00:28:16,062 --> 00:28:18,064 LOUDER. LOUDER! SCREAM IT! 362 00:28:18,164 --> 00:28:20,166 "I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP." 363 00:28:20,266 --> 00:28:21,868 "I ACCEPT THIS A THE TEMP--" 364 00:28:21,968 --> 00:28:24,036 GO, GO, GO, GO. 365 00:28:24,136 --> 00:28:26,906 - TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND PUT YOUR PANTS ON. - TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SHOES! 366 00:28:27,006 --> 00:28:28,207 - PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. - RIGHT NOW! 367 00:28:28,307 --> 00:28:29,942 TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND PUT ON YOUR PANTS. 368 00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:31,010 TAKE 'EM OFF! 369 00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:32,078 - TAKE 'EM OFF! - OKAY. 370 00:28:32,178 --> 00:28:33,813 - PUT YOUR PANTS ON. - OKAY! 371 00:28:33,913 --> 00:28:35,414 COME ON, LET'S GO, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! 372 00:28:35,514 --> 00:28:38,184 PUT YOUR PANTS ON! FASTER! FASTER! 373 00:28:38,284 --> 00:28:41,053 LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME! 374 00:29:09,048 --> 00:29:11,150 I-- I'M DONE. I-I-I AM. 375 00:29:11,250 --> 00:29:13,452 I'M-- THEY FUCK WITH YOU AND THEN 376 00:29:13,552 --> 00:29:15,221 YOU'RE-- YOU'RE DONE. 377 00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:20,827 I-I'M NOT-- I GET IT. 378 00:29:20,860 --> 00:29:22,962 I GET IT. 379 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:31,838 THAT'S IT. I DID IT. 380 00:29:31,904 --> 00:29:33,539 ALL RIGHT. 381 00:29:40,046 --> 00:29:42,214 I-I THINK, DEEP DOWN, WHAT I WANT 382 00:29:42,314 --> 00:29:44,283 IS I WANT SOMETHING INTENSE ENOUGH 383 00:29:44,383 --> 00:29:46,986 THAT I WANT THEM TO PUSH ME TO THE POINT 384 00:29:47,086 --> 00:29:49,088 WHERE I WANT OUT 385 00:29:49,188 --> 00:29:51,290 BUT THAT I CHOOSE NOT TO. 386 00:29:51,390 --> 00:29:55,895 I-- THAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE I WANNA OVERCOME SOMETHING. 387 00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:01,300 I LIKE DARK MATERIAL. 388 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:03,903 IT'S WHERE I GO FIND PLEASURE. 389 00:30:04,003 --> 00:30:07,206 I FIND IT A HEALTHY THING FOR ME. 390 00:30:07,306 --> 00:30:09,942 I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE HEALTHY FOR EVERYONE 391 00:30:10,042 --> 00:30:11,777 BUT I THINK IT'S HEALTHY FOR ME. 392 00:30:11,878 --> 00:30:13,145 BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THERE'S DARK STUFF 393 00:30:13,245 --> 00:30:14,180 IN MY PAST. 394 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:16,115 I KNOW THERE'S, YOU KNOW, 395 00:30:16,215 --> 00:30:20,819 TRAUMAS THAT I HAVE LIVED THROUGH EMOTIONALLY. 396 00:31:07,934 --> 00:31:11,003 THE DARK STUFF, FOR ME? 397 00:31:12,171 --> 00:31:13,940 UM... 398 00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:20,412 THERE WAS SOME DARK-- 399 00:31:20,512 --> 00:31:21,981 I KEEP GOING TO THE WORD DARK-- 400 00:31:22,081 --> 00:31:22,982 UH... 401 00:31:24,951 --> 00:31:26,618 THERE'S BEEN SOME UNPLEASANT TIMES 402 00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:28,988 WHEN I WAS A CHILD AS-- GROWING UP. 403 00:31:29,088 --> 00:31:32,158 I GREW UP IN THE SHADOW 404 00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:35,261 OF A REALLY REBELLIOUS SIBLING 405 00:31:35,361 --> 00:31:39,131 AND THE WAY THAT I... 406 00:31:39,231 --> 00:31:41,267 DECIDED TO REACT TO THAT 407 00:31:41,367 --> 00:31:44,036 IS I WAS GONNA BE THE GOOD KID. 408 00:31:44,136 --> 00:31:45,871 I WAS ALWAYS THE GOOD STUDENT. 409 00:31:45,972 --> 00:31:48,074 I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT HOME THE "A'S." 410 00:31:48,174 --> 00:31:51,477 I WAS ALWAYS THE-- AND THAT WAS MY WAY OF TRYING TO KEEP PEACE. 411 00:31:51,577 --> 00:31:55,214 SO, I'M SENSITIVE TO RULES, ACTUALLY. 412 00:31:55,314 --> 00:31:57,183 I ALWAYS WANNA FOLLOW THE RULES. 413 00:31:57,283 --> 00:31:59,385 IT'S BUILT INTO ME. 414 00:31:59,485 --> 00:32:02,088 I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO ON FROM THERE. 415 00:32:05,591 --> 00:32:07,259 GET UP! GET UP! 416 00:32:07,359 --> 00:32:08,327 GET UP! 417 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:09,395 STAND BEHIND THE LIGHT BULB 418 00:32:09,495 --> 00:32:11,097 AND FACE ME! 419 00:32:16,335 --> 00:32:20,106 TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS. LEAVE 'EM ON THE FLOOR. 420 00:32:25,177 --> 00:32:27,046 FASTER! 421 00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:29,315 DON'T MAKE ME WAIT FOR YOU! 422 00:32:29,415 --> 00:32:33,319 LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LET'S GO! MOVE IT! 423 00:32:33,419 --> 00:32:35,487 FACE ME. 424 00:32:46,165 --> 00:32:48,300 NO! 425 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,702 WALK. WALK. 426 00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:53,039 GET IN! 427 00:32:53,139 --> 00:32:55,341 TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES NOW. RIGHT NOW! 428 00:32:55,441 --> 00:32:58,044 CLOTHES OFF NOW! 429 00:32:58,077 --> 00:33:01,080 ALL OF IT! GO! YOU GOTTA GO FASTER. 430 00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:04,350 YOU ARE FUCKING UP. GO! GO! ALL OF IT. NOW! 431 00:33:04,450 --> 00:33:06,585 ALL OF IT, GODDAMN IT! ALL OF IT! 432 00:33:15,061 --> 00:33:17,196 AND IT WAS... 433 00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:18,530 IT WAS, UM... 434 00:33:24,070 --> 00:33:26,105 THERE WAS A MOMENT WHERE 435 00:33:26,205 --> 00:33:27,439 I RECOGNIZED THE VOICE 436 00:33:27,539 --> 00:33:30,742 AND THE VOICE JUST SAID, "BREATHE." 437 00:33:33,245 --> 00:33:37,249 BECAUSE THEY KNEW HOW VULNERABLE I WAS FEELING. 438 00:33:39,251 --> 00:33:41,987 THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED THAT THERE WAS EXPLORATION 439 00:33:42,088 --> 00:33:46,292 THAT COULD BE DONE AND THAT WAS A WAY I COULD LEARN ABOUT MYSELF. 440 00:33:50,129 --> 00:33:53,465 AT THAT MOMENT, I FEEL 441 00:33:53,565 --> 00:33:55,201 THAT I BECAME PART OF BLACKOUT 442 00:33:55,301 --> 00:33:57,436 AND BLACKOUT BECAME PART OF ME. 443 00:34:21,527 --> 00:34:23,429 - YOU CAN EAT SWEETS. - I KNOW. 444 00:34:23,529 --> 00:34:27,166 I LIKE.... 445 00:34:27,266 --> 00:34:29,034 - THAT'S WHAT MOMMA WANTS. - YOU LIKE THE MOVIE? 446 00:34:29,135 --> 00:34:31,270 I KINDA GOT A LITTLE BORED HALFWAY THROUGH. 447 00:34:31,370 --> 00:34:32,504 - LITTLE BIT. - I DIDN'T. 448 00:34:32,604 --> 00:34:35,307 - YEAH. LEXI LOVED IT. - YEAH. 449 00:34:35,407 --> 00:34:37,042 MY WIFE IS A THERAPIST 450 00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:40,479 AND SHE IS A THERAPIST THAT DEALS WITH ADDICTION. 451 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:42,581 STEPHANIE, AS AN ADDICTION THERAPIST 452 00:34:42,681 --> 00:34:46,352 SEES A POTENTIAL PROBLEM WITH ME AND BLACKOUT. 453 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:52,424 AND STEPHANIE WOULD SAY, "YOU CAN DRINK ALCOHOL, FINE. 454 00:34:52,524 --> 00:34:54,393 YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, FINE. 455 00:34:54,493 --> 00:34:56,562 AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. 456 00:34:56,662 --> 00:34:58,164 AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T ESCALATE." 457 00:34:58,197 --> 00:35:00,199 SHE SEES MY FASCINATION 458 00:35:00,299 --> 00:35:02,301 WITH BLACKOUT AS ESCALATING. 459 00:35:05,237 --> 00:35:06,605 - "I, BOB... - "I, BOB..." 460 00:35:06,705 --> 00:35:09,175 "...AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION." 461 00:35:09,241 --> 00:35:11,510 "I, BOB, AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION." 462 00:35:11,610 --> 00:35:13,479 - LOUDER. - "I, BOB, AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION." 463 00:35:13,579 --> 00:35:15,847 "I WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS EXPERIENCE. 464 00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,616 "I WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS EXPERIENCE. 465 00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:20,319 "AND TO HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE BECOME A PART OF ME." 466 00:35:20,419 --> 00:35:23,822 "AND TO HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE BECOME A PART OF ME." 467 00:35:23,922 --> 00:35:26,192 WHEN I TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT, 468 00:35:26,225 --> 00:35:28,627 I GET THIS EXCITEMENT IN MY VOICE 469 00:35:28,727 --> 00:35:31,096 AND IN MY EYES AND SHE HATES THAT. 470 00:35:31,197 --> 00:35:32,631 "IS THIS A FETISH? WHAT IS THIS? 471 00:35:32,731 --> 00:35:35,634 WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THIS?" 472 00:35:35,734 --> 00:35:37,369 SHE'S CONCERNED 473 00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:40,105 THAT IT'S BECOMING AN ADDICTION. 474 00:35:40,206 --> 00:35:42,208 "I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU." 475 00:35:42,274 --> 00:35:44,876 - "I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU." - "I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU." 476 00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:49,248 "I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU." 477 00:36:03,262 --> 00:36:05,631 HEY, IT'S JOSH AGAIN. 478 00:36:05,731 --> 00:36:09,535 SO, KRIS AND I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN. 479 00:36:39,298 --> 00:36:41,633 SO, I DROVE HOME THIS MORNING 480 00:36:41,733 --> 00:36:47,172 AS QUICKLY AS I COULD TO WALK IN AND FIND THIS. 481 00:36:47,273 --> 00:36:51,743 WHICH IS MY INVITE, APPARENTLY 482 00:36:51,843 --> 00:36:56,282 TO THE 2014 OFFSEASON FOR BLACKOUT. 483 00:36:56,315 --> 00:36:58,350 I-I DON'T KNOW IF I'M COHERENT ENOUGH 484 00:36:58,450 --> 00:37:02,721 TO DO THIS, BUT... 485 00:37:02,821 --> 00:37:04,590 MY ADVENTURE WITH BLACKOUT CONTINUES, 486 00:37:04,690 --> 00:37:05,857 I GUESS. 487 00:37:08,427 --> 00:37:10,462 I JUST GOTTA FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET TO NEW YORK NOW. 488 00:37:10,562 --> 00:37:11,797 UM... 489 00:37:14,766 --> 00:37:16,468 YEAH, THIS IS, THIS IS, THIS IS 490 00:37:16,568 --> 00:37:17,969 WHAT THIS HAS BEEN GROWING TOWARD 491 00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:21,740 IS-IS JUST AN ONGOING... 492 00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:29,014 CHALLENGING... 493 00:38:10,356 --> 00:38:12,023 I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE A NEW YORK BLACKOUT 494 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,360 BECAUSE I KEPT GETTING THE SENSE 495 00:38:14,426 --> 00:38:17,396 THAT NEW YORK WAS A MORE INTENSE EXPERIENCE 496 00:38:17,496 --> 00:38:20,966 I'M ALSO ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT TESTS ME 497 00:38:21,066 --> 00:38:22,634 AND IF THEY ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING 498 00:38:22,734 --> 00:38:25,704 THAT REALLY TESTS ME. 499 00:38:27,639 --> 00:38:30,509 I DON'T WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE 500 00:38:30,609 --> 00:38:33,712 DENYING THAT THERE'S DARKNESS. 501 00:38:35,447 --> 00:38:37,048 I HAVEN'T YET FOUND 502 00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:39,651 THE DOOR THAT DISTURBS ME THE MOST 503 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:45,391 AND IF I DO SOMEDAY, I MAY REGRET IT. 504 00:38:45,424 --> 00:38:47,459 I KNOW THAT. 505 00:39:05,577 --> 00:39:06,745 SHOULD WE CHANGE IT FOR RUSSELL? 506 00:39:08,614 --> 00:39:10,616 YES, I THINK WE HAVE TO CHANGE IT FOR HIM. 507 00:39:10,716 --> 00:39:12,418 HOW? 508 00:39:15,687 --> 00:39:17,088 I THINK THE PEOPLE LOOKING AT HIM 509 00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:19,725 IS GOING TO BE HORRIFYINGLY CREEPY. 510 00:39:19,825 --> 00:39:21,727 THE FACT IS, EVERYBODY'S WATCHING HIM. 511 00:39:21,827 --> 00:39:26,698 HE'S FAILED EVERYBODY. NOT JUST US. 512 00:39:26,798 --> 00:39:30,101 THAT'S AS PERSONAL AS YOU CAN GET FOR HIM. 513 00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:33,038 AS I SAY IT, IT FEELS ALMOST TOO MEAN. 514 00:39:43,749 --> 00:39:45,517 SO, THAT NIGHT, 515 00:39:45,617 --> 00:39:47,719 I STARTED NOTICING 516 00:39:47,819 --> 00:39:50,456 SOME PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK 517 00:39:50,556 --> 00:39:53,659 SORT OF CREEPING AROUND MY FACEBOOK PAGE. 518 00:39:57,729 --> 00:39:59,898 AND WHAT I REALIZED IS THESE WERE ALL PEOPLE 519 00:39:59,998 --> 00:40:03,502 WHO FORMED A BIT OF A MYSTERIOUS GROUP 520 00:40:03,602 --> 00:40:05,437 THAT SEEMS TO BE BY INVITATION ONLY 521 00:40:05,537 --> 00:40:07,506 CALLED THE SURVIVORS. 522 00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:16,748 THERE IS, ACTUALLY, A VERY SECRET 523 00:40:16,848 --> 00:40:19,451 BLACKOUT SURVIVORS GROUP THAT EXISTS 524 00:40:19,551 --> 00:40:21,386 THAT ONLY ABOUT TWO DOZEN PEOPLE 525 00:40:21,487 --> 00:40:24,389 ARE A PART OF. 526 00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:28,594 AND THEY ARE-- WE ARE 527 00:40:28,694 --> 00:40:31,897 VERY SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO WE LET IN. 528 00:40:39,838 --> 00:40:42,641 MY NAME IS JOHN AND I AM A SURVIVOR. 529 00:40:46,077 --> 00:40:48,814 I WOULD SAY BLACKOUT IS TESTING ME 530 00:40:48,914 --> 00:40:52,551 TO SEE WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF. 531 00:40:52,651 --> 00:40:53,819 IT'S KIND OF SHOWN ME THAT 532 00:40:53,919 --> 00:40:56,454 I DON'T HAVE TO BE SO TIMID, 533 00:40:56,555 --> 00:40:58,456 SO VERY CLOSED OFF. 534 00:40:58,557 --> 00:41:01,426 I CAN BE MORE OPEN TO LETTING THE UNKNOWN HAPPEN. 535 00:41:01,527 --> 00:41:03,895 BLACKOUT HAS THE ABILITY TO CHANGE YOU 536 00:41:03,995 --> 00:41:06,598 IF YOU'RE WILLING TO LET IT. 537 00:41:10,536 --> 00:41:13,872 I HIGHLY BELIEVE THAT BLACKOUT HAS ACTUALLY TRANSFORMED ME. 538 00:41:17,543 --> 00:41:19,978 THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT ALWAYS WANTS 539 00:41:20,078 --> 00:41:22,848 THEM TO ALMOST GO INSIDE MY BRAIN 540 00:41:22,948 --> 00:41:25,651 AND HAVE THEM PUSH TO THOSE LIMITS 541 00:41:25,751 --> 00:41:27,052 LIKE, AND GO PAST THEM. 542 00:41:31,557 --> 00:41:33,224 TO BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE BLACKOUT 543 00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:34,626 YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DEEPER KNOWLEDGE 544 00:41:34,726 --> 00:41:35,927 OF YOURSELF 545 00:41:36,027 --> 00:41:37,696 OR IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT DEEPER KNOWLEDGE 546 00:41:37,796 --> 00:41:39,865 OF YOURSELF, TO GO THROUGH BLACKOUT 547 00:41:39,965 --> 00:41:43,635 WILL ALLOW YOU TO GAIN THAT DEEPER KNOWLEDGE. 548 00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:49,575 SO, I'M ONLY A COUPLE MINUTES AWAY FROM MEETING 549 00:41:49,675 --> 00:41:51,943 THE NEW YORK PEOPLE. 550 00:41:52,043 --> 00:41:54,479 SO, I'M JUST WALKING AROUND A PARK 551 00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:56,582 WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME. 552 00:41:56,615 --> 00:41:58,917 IT SEEMS A LITTLE ODD THAT I WAS GIVEN 553 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:00,986 AN ADDRESS AND A TIME AND TOLD TO SHOW UP-- 554 00:42:01,086 --> 00:42:04,590 VERY, VERY BLACKOUT. 555 00:42:04,623 --> 00:42:07,593 I WAS REALLY EXCITED BECAUSE I HAD GONE FOUR TIMES 556 00:42:07,626 --> 00:42:09,628 AND NOBODY ELSE, 557 00:42:09,728 --> 00:42:11,697 NONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO WENT ONCE 558 00:42:11,797 --> 00:42:14,766 HAD THE REACTION I DID, SO I WAS DOUBTING MYSELF. 559 00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:19,504 LIKE, WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME? WHY AM I WEIRD? 560 00:42:19,605 --> 00:42:22,608 YOU HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS WITH OTHER PEOPLE 561 00:42:22,641 --> 00:42:25,611 AND THE JUDGMENT BECOMES AGAINST YOU. 562 00:42:25,677 --> 00:42:29,014 WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? 563 00:42:29,114 --> 00:42:31,983 YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW THE OLD TOD BROWNING'S "FREAKS" REFERENCE, 564 00:42:32,083 --> 00:42:33,785 "ONE OF US." 565 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:36,855 THAT'S-- THAT'S WHAT I WAS HOPING TO FIND. 566 00:42:36,955 --> 00:42:38,790 - AH! - HI! 567 00:42:38,890 --> 00:42:40,525 HE BRINGS GIFTS. 568 00:42:40,626 --> 00:42:43,695 YES, I DO. I DO, ACTUALLY. WOW. 569 00:42:43,795 --> 00:42:46,798 - AS LONG AS IT'S GOODIES. - YOU PEOPLE, IN PERSON. 570 00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:50,068 - UH, UM-- - HELLO, INTERNET STRANGER. 571 00:42:50,168 --> 00:42:52,704 HI. HOW ARE YOU? 572 00:42:52,804 --> 00:42:55,040 - I'M FINE. NATALIA, RIGHT? - YES. 573 00:42:55,140 --> 00:42:56,675 - GLADYS. - YUP. 574 00:42:56,775 --> 00:42:59,544 NICE TO MEET YOU. 575 00:42:59,645 --> 00:43:00,912 UM-- 576 00:43:01,012 --> 00:43:02,080 I HAVE A TRADITION. 577 00:43:02,180 --> 00:43:03,548 I HAVE FRIENDS THAT I TRY TO MEET 578 00:43:03,649 --> 00:43:04,850 IN NEW YORK ABOUT EVERY YEAR 579 00:43:04,950 --> 00:43:06,051 OR EVERY YEAR AND A HALF OR SO, 580 00:43:06,151 --> 00:43:07,786 IT'S LIKE, LIFELONG FRIENDS, 581 00:43:07,886 --> 00:43:10,822 25-YEAR-OLD RELATIONSHIPS AND THINGS LIKE THAT. 582 00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:12,724 WE HAVE A TRADITION IN NEW YORK 583 00:43:12,824 --> 00:43:14,926 AND IT'S WHENEVER WE'RE IN NEW YORK AT THE SAME TIME 584 00:43:15,026 --> 00:43:16,895 WE HAVE TO SHARE CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES. 585 00:43:16,995 --> 00:43:18,830 - OH-HO! COOL. - THAT'S AN AWESOME THING TO SHARE. 586 00:43:20,398 --> 00:43:21,967 I, LITERALLY, I JUST FOUND MYSELF 587 00:43:22,067 --> 00:43:23,669 OUT OF HABIT BECAUSE I THOUGHT 588 00:43:23,735 --> 00:43:25,570 I WAS MAKING FRIENDS IN NEW YORK. 589 00:43:25,671 --> 00:43:27,673 - HERE ARE CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES. - I CAN TOTALLY GET DOWN 590 00:43:27,773 --> 00:43:30,876 WITH THIS TRADITION. 591 00:43:30,976 --> 00:43:33,111 - TO CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES. - CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES. 592 00:43:33,211 --> 00:43:35,046 TO BLACKOUT. TO YOU GUYS. 593 00:43:35,146 --> 00:43:38,016 - YEAH! - TO FRIENDS. 594 00:44:11,883 --> 00:44:15,887 I, RUSSELL, AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION. 595 00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:18,724 I AM PREPARED TO BE MARKED. 596 00:44:18,824 --> 00:44:21,760 I AM READY TO BE BRANDED. 597 00:44:22,961 --> 00:44:25,897 I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU. 598 00:44:25,997 --> 00:44:31,436 - SCREAM IT! - I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU! 599 00:44:43,281 --> 00:44:46,184 WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THAT, RUSSELL? 600 00:44:46,284 --> 00:44:49,154 WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THAT? 601 00:44:49,254 --> 00:44:52,791 NO. 602 00:44:54,826 --> 00:44:56,661 WRITE ON ME, RUSSELL. 603 00:44:56,762 --> 00:45:00,932 MARK ME. MARK ME! 604 00:45:02,834 --> 00:45:04,836 MARK ME! 605 00:45:06,972 --> 00:45:09,107 ALL RIGHT. 606 00:45:12,911 --> 00:45:15,413 YOU'RE GONNA FUCKIN' DO IT! SHUT UP! 607 00:45:15,513 --> 00:45:18,850 DO WHAT I SAY. NOW, FUCKING DO IT. 608 00:45:21,086 --> 00:45:24,689 PICK UP THE GUN. PICK UP THE GUN! 609 00:45:24,790 --> 00:45:28,093 SHUT UP! SHUT UP! 610 00:45:28,193 --> 00:45:30,161 SHUT UP! 611 00:45:30,261 --> 00:45:32,964 PULL THE TRIGGER. 612 00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:36,968 POINT IT AT HER FOREHEAD AND PULL THE TRIGGER. 613 00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:39,704 COME ON, RUSSELL. PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER. 614 00:45:39,805 --> 00:45:41,006 STOP FUCKING UP! 615 00:45:41,106 --> 00:45:43,809 POINT IT AT HER HEAD AND PULL THE TRIGGER. 616 00:45:43,909 --> 00:45:46,845 DO WHAT I SAY. NOW, FUCKING DO IT. 617 00:45:46,945 --> 00:45:48,713 - DO IT! - NO! 618 00:45:48,814 --> 00:45:50,949 STOP FUCKING UP. FUCKING PULL THE TRIGGER. 619 00:45:51,049 --> 00:45:53,018 DO IT NOW, RUSSELL. DON'T FUCKING LET US DOWN. 620 00:45:53,118 --> 00:45:54,485 JUST FUCKING PULL THE TRIGGER! 621 00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:24,910 YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THE FIRST TIME 622 00:47:24,943 --> 00:47:27,112 WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO. 623 00:47:27,212 --> 00:47:30,081 WHEN I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME 624 00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:33,318 ONCE I CROSSED INTO THEIR WORLD. 625 00:47:33,418 --> 00:47:36,221 BUT AFTER I STARTED GOING A FEW TIMES 626 00:47:36,321 --> 00:47:39,925 IT FELT LIKE... 627 00:47:40,025 --> 00:47:44,095 S&M AND IT FELT LIKE ABUSE. 628 00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:47,165 I WAS SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE 629 00:47:47,265 --> 00:47:49,367 GROSS SHIT SHOVED INTO MY MOUTH 630 00:47:49,467 --> 00:47:51,369 AND HELD MY THROAT BACK 631 00:47:51,469 --> 00:47:54,339 SO I WAS BEING PUT IN SITUATIONS WHERE I WAS CHOKING. 632 00:47:54,439 --> 00:47:57,575 THIS ISN'T A HAUNT, THIS IS ABUSE 633 00:47:57,675 --> 00:48:00,611 AND I THINK THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE 634 00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:04,849 SOME FANS OF BLACKOUT WHO ARE HERE... 635 00:48:04,950 --> 00:48:07,285 BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANNA WALK AWAY FROM IT 636 00:48:07,385 --> 00:48:09,120 'CAUSE THEY WANNA BE HURT A LITTLE BIT. 637 00:48:17,996 --> 00:48:19,564 I'M BACK IN LOS ANGELES. 638 00:48:19,664 --> 00:48:22,968 IT'S BEEN A FEW DAYS NOW. 639 00:48:23,034 --> 00:48:26,404 I MUST SAY, THAT THAT ENDING WHERE YOU'RE-- YOU'RE 640 00:48:26,504 --> 00:48:29,007 ASKED TO BE WITNESS TO 641 00:48:29,107 --> 00:48:31,142 AND A PARTICIPANT IN VIOLENCE 642 00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:34,379 WAS VERY, VERY... 643 00:48:36,081 --> 00:48:39,150 DEEPLY UGLY IN MANY WAYS. 644 00:48:42,387 --> 00:48:47,092 ENCOURAGING ME TO TAKE SOMEONE'S LIFE. 645 00:48:50,461 --> 00:48:52,330 MAKES ME REALLY... 646 00:48:52,430 --> 00:48:55,000 SAD. 647 00:48:56,367 --> 00:48:59,037 AND I WALKED OUT... 648 00:48:59,137 --> 00:49:03,208 IN A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MENTAL STATE. 649 00:49:03,308 --> 00:49:06,411 SO, THAT-- THAT LED TO MISTRUST 650 00:49:06,511 --> 00:49:08,613 WITH BLACKOUT. 651 00:49:11,549 --> 00:49:13,184 BECAUSE TRUST IS THE ONE THING 652 00:49:13,284 --> 00:49:16,354 I HAD NEVER QUESTIONED WITH BLACKOUT 653 00:49:16,454 --> 00:49:18,089 AND THEY HAD PUT ME IN A POSITION 654 00:49:18,189 --> 00:49:20,125 WHERE I NOW DOUBTED THEM AND QUESTIONED THEIR TRUST. 655 00:49:57,262 --> 00:50:00,065 I FELT VERY PARANOID BECAUSE 656 00:50:00,131 --> 00:50:04,102 I DID FIND A WORD-- THE WORD ABANDON IN MY PHONE 657 00:50:04,202 --> 00:50:05,236 WHICH MADE ME THINK, "HUH. 658 00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:07,205 HOW DID THAT GET IN MY PHONE?" 659 00:50:07,305 --> 00:50:11,742 DID BLACKOUT PUT IT THERE? DID MY WIFE PUT IT THERE? 660 00:50:17,648 --> 00:50:21,252 I WAS CONVINCED THEY WERE BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE. 661 00:50:23,154 --> 00:50:25,256 I LOOK AROUND MY HOUSE, AND, I SWEAR, 662 00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:26,524 I HAD NOT SEEN IT THE DAY BEFORE. 663 00:50:26,624 --> 00:50:28,093 AND, YOU KNOW, I REALIZED 664 00:50:28,193 --> 00:50:30,061 I WAS PROBABLY JUST BEING PARANOID. 665 00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:34,265 AND I STARTED WONDERING 666 00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:37,135 IF PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT MY E-MAILS 667 00:50:37,235 --> 00:50:40,571 IF PEOPLE WERE LISTENING TO MY CONVERSATIONS. 668 00:50:42,507 --> 00:50:46,277 IF PEOPLE WERE WATCHING ME. 669 00:51:24,682 --> 00:51:28,153 WE ARE SEEING IF WE COULD BRANCH OUT 670 00:51:28,186 --> 00:51:30,588 AND MAKE AN L.A. SURVIVOR'S GROUP, 671 00:51:30,688 --> 00:51:32,490 AND I THINK THEY'RE WANTING 672 00:51:32,590 --> 00:51:34,625 TO HAVE RUSSELL SPEARHEAD THAT. 673 00:51:39,230 --> 00:51:41,199 THIS LITERALLY CAME FROM BLACKOUT. 674 00:51:43,368 --> 00:51:45,470 THEY THINK RUSSELL WOULD BE A GOOD PERSON 675 00:51:45,570 --> 00:51:50,208 TO HEAD AN L.A. VERSION OF THE CLUB. 676 00:51:50,308 --> 00:51:53,211 BLACKOUT SUGGESTING RUSSELL TO LEAD THE L.A. GROUP 677 00:51:53,311 --> 00:51:55,346 WAS LITERALLY FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD. 678 00:51:55,446 --> 00:51:57,081 THE RULES COME FROM THEM. 679 00:51:57,182 --> 00:51:59,350 THEY'RE OUR TEACHER, 680 00:51:59,450 --> 00:52:01,652 THE NUN THAT YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES, 681 00:52:01,752 --> 00:52:05,423 AND SO, JUST, I'M SURE IT CAN SEEM LIKE WE'RE A CULT 682 00:52:05,523 --> 00:52:08,092 BUT BLACKOUT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR GROUP. 683 00:52:08,193 --> 00:52:11,629 IT'S NOT CONTROLLED BY THEM OR RUN BY THEM IN ANY WAY, 684 00:52:11,729 --> 00:52:16,201 BUT WE DO TAKE THEIR SUGGESTIONS AND FEEDBACK 685 00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:18,336 REALLY STRONGLY 686 00:52:18,436 --> 00:52:21,206 AND SO, IF THEY SAY SOMETHING, WE LISTEN. 687 00:52:34,752 --> 00:52:39,257 - WHAT'S UP, MAN? - HEY! HOW ARE YOU, MAN? COME HERE. 688 00:52:40,391 --> 00:52:42,260 - HEY! - HEY! HOW ARE YOU? 689 00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:45,296 - GREAT! HOW ARE YOU? - COME ON IN. NICE TO SEE YOU. 690 00:52:45,396 --> 00:52:47,698 SO, I'M IN THERE STANDING AND IT'S PITCH BLACK 691 00:52:47,798 --> 00:52:50,235 AND I'M THINKING, "OH, MY GOD, HE JUST LEFT ME 692 00:52:50,268 --> 00:52:52,603 IN THIS ABANDONED PART OF THIS BUILDING." 693 00:52:52,703 --> 00:52:54,605 I'M FREAKING OUT BECAUSE 694 00:52:54,705 --> 00:52:56,441 I THINK THAT'S ONE OF MY FEARS 695 00:52:56,541 --> 00:53:00,311 IS BEING ALONE IN SOME PLACE THAT'S ABANDONED. 696 00:53:00,411 --> 00:53:03,381 AND-- HE JUST GOT RIGHT ON MY FEAR. 697 00:53:03,481 --> 00:53:05,416 FOR SOME REASON, I WAS JUST, LIKE, SUPER EMOTIONAL. 698 00:53:05,516 --> 00:53:06,684 I DON'T KNOW WHY. 699 00:53:06,784 --> 00:53:09,420 IT JUST, LIKE, I WAS SITTING ON THE BENCH 700 00:53:09,520 --> 00:53:13,157 AND I WAS, LIKE, "I THINK I'M GONNA START CRYING." 701 00:53:13,258 --> 00:53:14,292 YUP. 702 00:53:14,392 --> 00:53:17,462 - HELLO. - HOW'S IT GOING, MAN? 703 00:53:17,562 --> 00:53:18,896 - HI. HOW'S IT GOING? - GOOD TO SEE YA. 704 00:53:18,996 --> 00:53:20,698 - HI, HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? - GOOD TO SEE YOU. 705 00:53:20,798 --> 00:53:22,300 NICE TO SEE YOU. 706 00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:23,568 THE BLACKOUT SURVIVORS GROUP 707 00:53:23,668 --> 00:53:25,270 IS A SECRET GROUP. 708 00:53:25,370 --> 00:53:27,438 WE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH BLACKOUT 709 00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:29,340 AND WHO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT AND THINK ABOUT IT. 710 00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,309 AND WHEN I'M WITH THE SURVIVOR'S GROUP 711 00:53:31,409 --> 00:53:33,578 I FEEL UNDERSTOOD. 712 00:53:33,678 --> 00:53:36,547 HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOU GUYS? 713 00:53:36,647 --> 00:53:39,584 I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT IT-IT'S 714 00:53:39,684 --> 00:53:43,187 BEEN THIS ALMOST TRANSFORMATIONAL THING FOR ME 715 00:53:43,288 --> 00:53:46,424 AND I GET THE IMPRESSION, TO SOME DEGREE, 716 00:53:46,524 --> 00:53:48,293 THAT YOU'VE HAD SOME OF THAT. 717 00:53:48,359 --> 00:53:51,329 - OH, YEAH. - THE THING THAT AFFECTED ME SO STRONGLY 718 00:53:51,429 --> 00:53:52,497 WAS THE RELATIONSHIP 719 00:53:52,597 --> 00:53:54,365 THAT WE HAD WITH THE WOMAN, OKAY? 720 00:53:54,465 --> 00:53:56,634 - YEAH! - SHE TOLD ME TO STAND IN THE CORNER 721 00:53:56,734 --> 00:53:59,637 AND THEN SHE STARTED TO DISROBE, 722 00:53:59,737 --> 00:54:02,206 SHE TOOK HER TOP OFF 723 00:54:02,307 --> 00:54:04,342 AND THEN SHE GOT COMPLETELY NAKED. 724 00:54:04,442 --> 00:54:06,210 SHE STARTS CRYING AND SHE GOES 725 00:54:06,311 --> 00:54:08,479 - "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" - "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" 726 00:54:08,579 --> 00:54:10,315 I DON'T WANNA DO THIS. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS." 727 00:54:10,381 --> 00:54:12,216 AND THEN I FELT LIKE SHIT. 728 00:54:12,317 --> 00:54:15,586 AND THEN, I MOVED FROM THE VICTIM 729 00:54:15,686 --> 00:54:16,954 TO THE PREDATOR. 730 00:54:17,054 --> 00:54:18,723 THEY STARTED EARLY ON ME. 731 00:54:18,823 --> 00:54:21,225 THEY GRABBED ME THROUGH THE DOOR EARLY 732 00:54:21,326 --> 00:54:23,594 'CAUSE I WAS THERE A SECOND TOO EARLY 733 00:54:23,694 --> 00:54:26,331 AND THEY TREATED IT LIKE I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG. 734 00:54:26,431 --> 00:54:28,366 - RIGHT. - AND THEY WERE YELLING-- AND SO I WAS IN THIS 735 00:54:28,466 --> 00:54:30,735 HEADSPACE OF, "OH, MY GOSH. I'VE OFFENDED THEM. 736 00:54:30,835 --> 00:54:32,470 I'VE DISAPPOINTED THEM." 737 00:54:32,570 --> 00:54:34,572 WHICH YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT 738 00:54:34,672 --> 00:54:37,442 WHAT YOU WALK AWAY FROM BLACKOUT WITH. 739 00:54:37,542 --> 00:54:38,643 YOU KNOW, THAT'S A HUGE THING FOR ME 740 00:54:38,743 --> 00:54:40,645 FROM MY CHILDHOOD 741 00:54:40,745 --> 00:54:44,649 IS DISAPPOINTING SOMEONE THAT I LOVE AND RESPECT. 742 00:54:44,749 --> 00:54:47,552 AND I GOTTA ADMIT, I LOVE AND RESPECT BLACKOUT 743 00:54:47,652 --> 00:54:49,354 FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING. 744 00:54:49,454 --> 00:54:51,356 YOU'RE LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP 745 00:54:51,389 --> 00:54:52,390 AND WHAT IT HAS CHANGED. 746 00:54:52,490 --> 00:54:54,359 SO-- 747 00:54:59,930 --> 00:55:02,367 YEAH, I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO THROUGH 748 00:55:02,433 --> 00:55:04,369 UNLESS I COMPLETELY STRIPPED. 749 00:55:04,469 --> 00:55:05,703 AND THEN THEY SAID, "NOW, REMOVE ALL 750 00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:07,605 OF YOUR CLOTHES." 751 00:55:07,705 --> 00:55:09,840 AND I HAD TO STOP FOR A SECOND 752 00:55:09,940 --> 00:55:12,377 BECAUSE OF WHERE MY HEAD WAS 753 00:55:12,477 --> 00:55:15,580 BECAUSE WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS, "WHY?" 754 00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:16,647 MY FIRST THING WAS, "OKAY, 755 00:55:16,747 --> 00:55:18,282 ARE THEY TRYING TO PUNISH ME 756 00:55:18,383 --> 00:55:20,551 FOR BEING A HAIR EARLY AND DOING WHAT I WAS--" 757 00:55:20,651 --> 00:55:22,286 YOU KNOW, LIKE, "ARE THEY PUNISHING ME?" 758 00:55:22,387 --> 00:55:24,689 IT WAS "ARE THEY TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME?" 759 00:55:24,789 --> 00:55:29,394 AND THEN I WENT, "THIS IS ABOUT VULNERABILITY. 760 00:55:29,427 --> 00:55:31,429 THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT." 761 00:55:37,668 --> 00:55:39,637 I CAN'T... 762 00:55:41,539 --> 00:55:44,709 STOP THINKING ABOUT IF 763 00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:48,479 THE DOCUMENTARY CREW WAS PART OF IT. 764 00:55:48,579 --> 00:55:51,716 WHAT IF THE FILMMAKERS ARE MESSING WITH ME? 765 00:55:51,816 --> 00:55:53,651 WHAT IF THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN MESSING WITH ME? 766 00:55:53,751 --> 00:55:58,623 THEY'VE ENLISTED MY WIFE, THEY'VE ENLISTED MY FRIENDS. 767 00:55:58,723 --> 00:56:01,592 SO, THEY'VE HIRED A DOCUMENTARY CREW 768 00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:04,562 TO FILM PEOPLE'S DEEPEST AND DARKEST SECRETS 769 00:56:04,662 --> 00:56:08,599 AND THEN THEY WOULD USE THOSE AGAINST THEM. 770 00:56:10,768 --> 00:56:15,440 AND IF THE DOCUMENTARY IS NOT MY FRIEND 771 00:56:15,540 --> 00:56:19,043 BUT, ALSO, IF THERE'S SOME KIND OF 772 00:56:19,143 --> 00:56:23,080 DEVIOUS PURPOSE BEHIND THE DOCUMENTARY. 773 00:58:46,891 --> 00:58:50,027 I WANNA KNOW WHO YOU CARE ABOUT. 774 00:58:50,127 --> 00:58:52,496 - I CARE ABOUT MY WIFE-- - WRONG ANSWER! 775 00:58:59,036 --> 00:59:00,605 AGAIN! 776 00:59:00,705 --> 00:59:02,973 WHO DO YOU CARE ABOUT? 777 00:59:03,073 --> 00:59:05,976 - MY DAUGHTER. - WRONG ANSWER! 778 00:59:08,178 --> 00:59:13,618 PLEASE STOP! 779 00:59:13,651 --> 00:59:15,052 OH! STOP! 780 00:59:31,669 --> 00:59:33,871 YOU GET THE MESSAGE THAT BLACKOUT 781 00:59:33,971 --> 00:59:35,840 WAS TO TAKE PLACE IN YOUR OWN HOME. 782 00:59:37,742 --> 00:59:40,277 AND THAT THEY WILL COME TO YOU, 783 00:59:40,377 --> 00:59:41,779 INTO YOUR SPACE. 784 00:59:44,048 --> 00:59:49,654 I THINK THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS A RUSH OF ABSOLUTE FEAR 785 00:59:49,687 --> 00:59:51,822 BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE 786 00:59:51,922 --> 00:59:54,024 INVITING THEM INTO MY HOME. 787 00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:55,960 I KNOW THAT THIS IS GONNA GET 788 00:59:56,060 --> 00:59:58,062 EXTREMELY INTENSE. 789 00:59:58,162 --> 01:00:00,564 I KNOW THAT THIS IS GONNA BE... 790 01:00:00,665 --> 01:00:03,033 EXTREMELY PERSONAL AND INTIMATE. 791 01:00:06,671 --> 01:00:07,838 I'VE REACHED A POINT WHERE I ACTUALLY 792 01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,875 DON'T WANT THEM IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. 793 01:00:10,975 --> 01:00:13,911 I'VE REACHED THAT POINT. 794 01:00:27,091 --> 01:00:28,926 THAT WAS A MOMENT 795 01:00:29,026 --> 01:00:31,696 THAT WAS ACTUALLY DANGEROUS FOR ME. 796 01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:37,167 GOD... 797 01:00:38,703 --> 01:00:40,004 BREATHE. 798 01:00:41,806 --> 01:00:43,741 BREATHE. 799 01:01:14,171 --> 01:01:15,205 OH! 800 01:01:20,878 --> 01:01:24,782 FU-- FU-- FU--! 801 01:01:24,882 --> 01:01:26,183 HEY! 802 01:01:26,283 --> 01:01:28,185 OH! NO, NO! 803 01:01:28,285 --> 01:01:30,821 NO! 804 01:01:30,921 --> 01:01:33,023 - RUSSELL. - MM. 805 01:01:33,123 --> 01:01:36,660 LISTEN TO ME. 806 01:01:36,761 --> 01:01:38,195 WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? 807 01:01:38,295 --> 01:01:39,864 YOUR RESPECT. 808 01:01:39,964 --> 01:01:43,000 WRONG ANSWER! 809 01:01:51,876 --> 01:01:53,778 OH, GOD! 810 01:01:53,811 --> 01:01:55,112 I WANT YOUR LOVE! 811 01:01:56,280 --> 01:01:58,783 WRONG ANSWER! 812 01:01:58,883 --> 01:02:01,285 WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? 813 01:02:01,385 --> 01:02:03,253 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT FROM YOU. 814 01:02:03,353 --> 01:02:05,055 RIGHT FUCKIN' ANSWER! 815 01:02:05,155 --> 01:02:07,291 - HANDS DOWN! - I DON'T KNOW! 816 01:02:09,059 --> 01:02:10,795 I DON'T WANNA-- I DON'T-- 817 01:02:10,861 --> 01:02:12,262 THERE. GET UP! 818 01:02:12,362 --> 01:02:14,231 I DON'T KNOW! OH! 819 01:02:14,331 --> 01:02:16,100 GET UP. 820 01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:18,969 - GET UP! - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT FROM YOU. 821 01:02:19,069 --> 01:02:22,472 - GET UP. - I DON'T KNOW! 822 01:02:37,955 --> 01:02:40,925 GET ON YOUR KNEES. GET ON YOUR KNEES. 823 01:02:41,025 --> 01:02:42,960 - GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES! - YES. 824 01:02:43,060 --> 01:02:45,830 LOOK UP. DOWN. LOOK UP! 825 01:02:45,930 --> 01:02:47,097 LOOK UP! 826 01:02:51,301 --> 01:02:52,937 HE TOOK SOMETHING FROM YOUR KITCHEN. 827 01:02:53,037 --> 01:02:55,039 - IS THAT ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 828 01:02:55,139 --> 01:02:56,941 MY STOMACH IS TOTALLY UPSET. 829 01:02:57,041 --> 01:03:00,210 I CAN'T KEEP ANYTHING DOWN, BUT I NEED SOMETHING. 830 01:03:00,310 --> 01:03:02,880 I'VE BEEN HAVING A LOT OF NIGHTMARES. 831 01:03:02,980 --> 01:03:04,882 EVERY FUCKING NIGHT NOW. 832 01:03:04,982 --> 01:03:06,851 I KEEP THINKING WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED 833 01:03:06,951 --> 01:03:08,853 IF I'D NEVER ANSWERED THE DOOR 834 01:03:08,953 --> 01:03:10,120 WHEN THEY KNOCKED THREE TIMES. 835 01:03:10,220 --> 01:03:11,121 I THINK ABOUT THAT A LOT. 836 01:03:11,221 --> 01:03:12,356 I WAS IN BED 837 01:03:12,456 --> 01:03:15,125 AND I WAS ASLEEP AND I SHOULD'VE BEEN UP. 838 01:03:15,225 --> 01:03:17,261 THE WARNINGS WERE THERE AND I SHOULD'VE RAN AWAY, 839 01:03:17,361 --> 01:03:19,529 I SHOULD'VE KNOWN WHAT WAS HAPPENING. 840 01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:22,867 BUT WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE, BOB, HUH? 841 01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:25,169 - WHAT DID YOU DO? - IT WASN'T-- 842 01:03:25,269 --> 01:03:28,172 WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? 843 01:03:28,272 --> 01:03:29,907 - WHAT DID YOU DO? - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. 844 01:03:30,007 --> 01:03:30,908 SHUT UP! 845 01:03:31,008 --> 01:03:32,142 THE THING THAT YOU FORGET 846 01:03:32,242 --> 01:03:34,278 IS THAT I SECRETLY FUCKING ENJOY THIS. 847 01:03:34,378 --> 01:03:37,547 DOWN! IF YOU ARE SMART AT ALL 848 01:03:37,647 --> 01:03:38,883 YOU'D LET US FUCKING LEAVE. 849 01:03:38,949 --> 01:03:41,886 - NO. - SHUT UP! 850 01:03:41,986 --> 01:03:44,889 AND THEN YOU'D GO BACK TO YOUR STUPID FUCKING LIFE. 851 01:03:44,922 --> 01:03:46,190 YOU MIGHT BE HAPPY. 852 01:03:46,290 --> 01:03:48,292 YOU MIGHT BE CONTENT FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME 853 01:03:48,392 --> 01:03:51,261 BUT IT'S NOT GONNA MATTER-- NONE OF IT MATTERS. 854 01:03:54,064 --> 01:03:56,000 BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA TURN, BOB, 855 01:03:56,100 --> 01:03:58,568 AND YOU'RE GONNA FOCUS ON THE DARKNESS. 856 01:03:58,668 --> 01:04:00,070 FROM THE MOMENT THAT YOU WAKE UP 857 01:04:00,170 --> 01:04:01,972 TILL THE MOMENT THAT YOU FUCKING FALL ASLEEP 858 01:04:02,072 --> 01:04:03,908 THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. 859 01:04:03,974 --> 01:04:05,575 LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME! 860 01:04:05,675 --> 01:04:09,379 IT IS WHAT YOU ARE. IT IS WHAT WE ALL ARE. 861 01:04:09,479 --> 01:04:11,248 LOOK AT ME! 862 01:04:11,348 --> 01:04:16,053 THAT IS WHEN YOUR REAL FUCKING NIGHTMARES WILL START. 863 01:04:25,329 --> 01:04:27,131 DOWN! 864 01:04:27,231 --> 01:04:30,067 ALL THE WAY DOWN! 865 01:04:30,167 --> 01:04:34,038 I, ROBERT EDWARD GLOUBERMAN, AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION. 866 01:04:35,172 --> 01:04:37,274 OH, FUCK. FUCK, FUCK! 867 01:04:37,374 --> 01:04:41,145 - OH, FUCK! - GO! GET IN. ON THE FUCKING BED! 868 01:04:51,221 --> 01:04:53,857 ALL RIGHT, RUSSELL. LOOK AT ME. 869 01:04:53,958 --> 01:04:56,226 LOOK IN THE EYES. 870 01:04:56,326 --> 01:04:58,963 I WANT YOU TO REPEAT AFTER ME. 871 01:04:59,029 --> 01:05:01,265 I WANT YOU TO TAKE AN OATH. 872 01:05:01,365 --> 01:05:04,434 I, RUSSELL CORLAN EATON. 873 01:05:04,534 --> 01:05:08,172 I, RUSSELL CORLAN EATON. 874 01:05:08,272 --> 01:05:10,007 AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION. 875 01:05:10,107 --> 01:05:11,408 AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION 876 01:05:11,508 --> 01:05:13,377 I WANT THIS EXPERIENCE TO BECOME A PART OF ME. 877 01:05:13,477 --> 01:05:15,879 I WANT THIS EXPERIENCE TO BECOME A PART OF ME. 878 01:05:15,980 --> 01:05:18,415 - I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW I AM PART OF BLACKOUT. - I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW 879 01:05:18,515 --> 01:05:20,117 THAT I AM PART OF BLACKOUT. 880 01:05:20,217 --> 01:05:23,087 - I AM PREPARED... - I AM PREPARED... 881 01:05:23,187 --> 01:05:25,089 TO STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK. 882 01:05:25,189 --> 01:05:28,125 TO STOP CARING-- 883 01:05:28,225 --> 01:05:29,994 TO STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK. 884 01:05:30,027 --> 01:05:34,298 I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY FAILURE. 885 01:05:36,266 --> 01:05:39,136 SAY IT! 886 01:05:39,236 --> 01:05:41,238 I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY FAILURE. 887 01:05:41,338 --> 01:05:43,673 I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY FAILURES. 888 01:05:43,773 --> 01:05:47,044 I WILL NOT BE A COWARD. 889 01:05:47,144 --> 01:05:48,912 I WILL NOT BE A COWARD. 890 01:05:49,013 --> 01:05:51,015 TOMORROW, I BREAK MY ROUTINE. 891 01:05:51,115 --> 01:05:53,417 TOMORROW, I BREAK MY ROUTINE. 892 01:05:53,517 --> 01:05:56,353 TOMORROW, I WILL NOT NEED THIS. 893 01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:58,022 TOM-- 894 01:05:58,088 --> 01:06:00,324 TOMORROW, I WILL NOT NEED THIS. 895 01:06:00,424 --> 01:06:04,228 TOMORROW, I WILL NOT NEED BLACKOUT. 896 01:06:04,328 --> 01:06:07,397 TOMORROW, I WILL NOT NEED BLACKOUT. 897 01:06:07,497 --> 01:06:13,370 THIS IS THE LAST TIME I ATTEND BLACKOUT. 898 01:06:16,773 --> 01:06:18,375 SAY IT! 899 01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:21,078 SAY IT 900 01:06:21,178 --> 01:06:23,447 OR WE WALK. 901 01:06:25,115 --> 01:06:28,285 - UH-- - THIS IS THE LAST TIME 902 01:06:28,385 --> 01:06:31,221 I ATTEND BLACKOUT. 903 01:06:31,321 --> 01:06:33,157 - WHAT ARE YOU ASKING OF ME? - SAY IT 904 01:06:33,257 --> 01:06:34,724 OR WE WALK. 905 01:06:34,824 --> 01:06:36,960 THIS IS THE LAST TIME I ATTEND BLACKOUT. 906 01:06:37,061 --> 01:06:39,396 SWEAR IT! 907 01:06:39,496 --> 01:06:41,465 - I'M NOT READY. - SWEAR IT 908 01:06:41,565 --> 01:06:44,201 RIGHT NOW. 909 01:06:48,605 --> 01:06:51,075 I SWEAR IT. 910 01:06:55,079 --> 01:06:58,415 DON'T FUCKING MOVE. 911 01:07:28,612 --> 01:07:32,549 "I AM PREPARED TO STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK." 912 01:07:32,649 --> 01:07:38,355 WHICH, THEY KNOW THAT I CARE WHAT THEY THINK OF ME. 913 01:07:38,455 --> 01:07:40,790 "I'M READY TO ACCEPT FAILURE." 914 01:07:40,890 --> 01:07:43,493 WHICH HAS BEEN AN ISSUE WHICH ALSO THEY HAVE-- THEY KNOW 915 01:07:43,593 --> 01:07:45,462 IS A TRIGGER POINT FOR ME. 916 01:07:45,562 --> 01:07:49,266 "I'M PREPARED TO STOP WANTING SOMETHING I CANNOT HAVE. 917 01:07:49,366 --> 01:07:51,535 I'M READY TO ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE." 918 01:07:51,635 --> 01:07:54,171 "I'M READY TO BE DIRTY. I WILL NOT BE OBSESSED." 919 01:07:54,271 --> 01:07:57,207 WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE-- THEY'RE 920 01:07:57,307 --> 01:07:59,209 TRYING TO GET ME TO STOP BEING O.C.D. 921 01:07:59,309 --> 01:08:02,179 "THIS IS MY LAST TIME GOING THROUGH BLACKOUT." 922 01:08:06,650 --> 01:08:11,054 PERHAPS THEY FEEL I'VE GRADUATED. 923 01:08:11,155 --> 01:08:14,391 I'M BUMMED THAT I CAN'T GO THROUGH BLACKOUT AGAIN! 924 01:08:14,491 --> 01:08:17,761 I MEAN, IS THAT REAL? CAN I NOT GO THROUGH BLACKOUT AGAIN? 925 01:08:17,861 --> 01:08:19,496 IS THAT-- 926 01:08:19,596 --> 01:08:21,265 IS THAT FUCKED UP? 927 01:08:21,365 --> 01:08:23,066 IS THAT FUCKED UP THAT THE MOST I-- 928 01:08:23,167 --> 01:08:24,568 THAT THE THING THAT I'M MOST WORRIED ABOUT 929 01:08:24,668 --> 01:08:26,503 IS THAT I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE AGAIN, 930 01:08:26,603 --> 01:08:28,372 - THAT THAT'S IT? - I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. 931 01:08:28,472 --> 01:08:30,174 I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS REALITY, 932 01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:32,509 I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS SOME SORT OF MINDFUCK. 933 01:08:32,609 --> 01:08:34,811 I-I FEEL AS THOUGH I UNDERSTAND 934 01:08:34,911 --> 01:08:37,181 THE FIRST PART OF THE NOTE 935 01:08:37,214 --> 01:08:39,283 AND IF THOSE WERE THEIR INTENTIONS 936 01:08:39,383 --> 01:08:41,218 THEN I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE CLEAR 937 01:08:41,318 --> 01:08:43,387 BUT, THEN, AT THE SAME TIME, I FEEL LIKE THE NOTE 938 01:08:43,487 --> 01:08:45,355 ENDS IN REJECTION. 939 01:08:45,455 --> 01:08:48,492 LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG. 940 01:08:48,592 --> 01:08:51,228 I-I-- 941 01:08:51,328 --> 01:08:53,363 I WENT TOO MANY TIMES. 942 01:08:53,463 --> 01:08:57,467 I LIKED IT SO MUCH, THAT I WENT TOO MANY TIMES. 943 01:08:57,567 --> 01:09:02,372 THAT THEY THOUGHT IT WAS A CRUTCH. 944 01:09:02,472 --> 01:09:06,510 IT FEELS LIKE THEY WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME SOMETHING. 945 01:09:06,610 --> 01:09:10,214 IT FEELS LIKE THEY WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME 946 01:09:10,247 --> 01:09:12,249 THAT THEY DID-- 947 01:09:12,349 --> 01:09:14,818 THAT I DIDN'T NEED THEM ANYMORE. 948 01:09:14,918 --> 01:09:16,220 THE FACT THAT THEY WOULD DO THAT 949 01:09:16,286 --> 01:09:18,588 DURING A SHOW PISSES ME OFF. 950 01:09:18,688 --> 01:09:22,392 BECAUSE IT'S SO COWARDLY NOT TO GET THE RESPONSE 951 01:09:22,492 --> 01:09:23,627 FROM THE PERSON YOU'RE DELIVERING 952 01:09:23,727 --> 01:09:26,230 THAT KIND OF ULTIMATUM TO. 953 01:09:35,239 --> 01:09:37,907 I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. 954 01:10:15,512 --> 01:10:17,447 WE WERE NERVOUS ABOUT DOING THE DOCUMENTARY 955 01:10:17,547 --> 01:10:18,715 IN THE BEGINNING. 956 01:10:18,815 --> 01:10:20,584 I THINK WE WERE INITIALLY HESITANT 957 01:10:20,684 --> 01:10:22,686 TO SIT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW 958 01:10:22,786 --> 01:10:26,723 BECAUSE THE EXPERIENCE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. 959 01:10:26,823 --> 01:10:28,592 OKAY. 960 01:10:32,562 --> 01:10:35,332 BUT AFTER DOING THIS FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS 961 01:10:35,432 --> 01:10:38,368 WE WANTED TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT 962 01:10:38,468 --> 01:10:40,270 ON A COUPLE OF THINGS. 963 01:10:44,674 --> 01:10:47,611 I THINK BLACKOUT IS A VERY DIVISIVE PROJECT 964 01:10:47,711 --> 01:10:50,514 AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE MANY DIFFERENT FEELINGS TOWARDS IT. 965 01:10:50,614 --> 01:10:52,215 A LOT OF IT NEGATIVE, 966 01:10:52,316 --> 01:10:53,717 AND THAT'S FINE. 967 01:10:53,817 --> 01:10:57,287 YOU KNOW, WHEN IT STARTED IT WAS VERY CLEARLY 968 01:10:57,387 --> 01:11:00,724 DESIGNED TO BE 969 01:11:00,824 --> 01:11:03,393 CONTROVERSIAL, AND IF THOSE PEOPLE ARE LIKE, 970 01:11:03,493 --> 01:11:04,628 "YOU KNOW, THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY 971 01:11:04,728 --> 01:11:05,829 AND I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS 972 01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:07,797 PAY ANYONE TO DO THAT," 973 01:11:07,897 --> 01:11:09,566 WELL, THEN, THEY SHOULDN'T 974 01:11:09,666 --> 01:11:11,768 AND JUST CHANGE THE CHANNEL AND MOVE ON. 975 01:11:11,868 --> 01:11:13,670 THE ORIGINAL INSPIRATION FOR BLACKOUT 976 01:11:13,770 --> 01:11:16,340 AND FOR A LOT OF JOSH AND I'S EARLY COLLABORATIONS 977 01:11:16,440 --> 01:11:18,508 WAS TO TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT'S "INDISMISSIBLE" 978 01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:20,777 THAT YOU WALK OUT OF AND YOU CANNOT SHAKE 979 01:11:20,877 --> 01:11:22,646 AND STAYS WITH YOU FOR A LONG TIME. 980 01:11:22,746 --> 01:11:26,383 IT IS ALWAYS MORE EFFECTIVE 981 01:11:26,483 --> 01:11:28,385 TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO PROJECT 982 01:11:28,485 --> 01:11:30,554 THEIR OWN FEARS AND THEIR OWN STORIES 983 01:11:30,654 --> 01:11:33,557 ONTO A CANVAS AND ALLOW THEM TO LIVE THAT 984 01:11:33,657 --> 01:11:35,492 AND SORT OF BE THE PERSON WHO CREATES 985 01:11:35,592 --> 01:11:37,627 THE FRAME FOR THEIR OWN FEARS 986 01:11:37,727 --> 01:11:40,364 AND I THINK SORT OF EXACTLY IN THESE MOMENTS 987 01:11:40,464 --> 01:11:41,831 WHERE YOU'RE PUSHING YOURSELF TO YOUR LIMITS 988 01:11:41,931 --> 01:11:44,634 WHERE YOU LEARN CERTAIN TRUTHS ABOUT YOURSELVES 989 01:11:44,734 --> 01:11:46,803 AND THAT DEEP EXPERIENCE BEYOND 990 01:11:46,903 --> 01:11:48,472 WHAT WE WOULD'VE IMAGINED PEOPLE 991 01:11:48,572 --> 01:11:51,274 WOULD'VE HAD IN IT WHEN WE STARTED OUT. 992 01:11:51,375 --> 01:11:54,444 PEOPLE TEND TO BE BRAVE 993 01:11:54,544 --> 01:11:57,514 AND WHEN YOU DECIDE TO OPEN A DOOR 994 01:11:57,614 --> 01:11:59,616 TO SOME FORM OF ART 995 01:11:59,716 --> 01:12:03,587 IN WHATEVER, YOU KNOW, THAT IS, 996 01:12:03,687 --> 01:12:06,390 YOU'RE SORT OF OPENING A DOOR TO A WORLD 997 01:12:06,490 --> 01:12:08,792 THAT YOU HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED BEFORE 998 01:12:08,892 --> 01:12:10,560 AND YOU EITHER TAKE THAT WORLD IN 999 01:12:10,660 --> 01:12:12,696 AND YOU LEARN FROM IT OR YOU DON'T. 1000 01:12:12,796 --> 01:12:15,064 AND THE PEOPLE THE RESPOND TO BLACKOUT 1001 01:12:15,164 --> 01:12:16,833 IN A REALLY POSITIVE WAY 1002 01:12:16,933 --> 01:12:19,736 TEND TO BE THE PEOPLE THAT CAN BE BRAVE ENOUGH 1003 01:12:19,836 --> 01:12:22,071 TO WALK INTO IT AND SAY, "I'M WILLING 1004 01:12:22,171 --> 01:12:24,408 TO CONFRONT THIS AND FACE THIS. 1005 01:12:24,441 --> 01:12:27,411 AND, HOPEFULLY, LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT." 1006 01:12:36,520 --> 01:12:38,422 AFTER THE LAST BLACKOUT I WALKED AWAY 1007 01:12:38,455 --> 01:12:40,757 CONFUSED AND HURT 1008 01:12:40,857 --> 01:12:42,726 BUT... 1009 01:12:42,826 --> 01:12:47,330 AFTER SOME TIME, AFTER THE ANGER SUBSIDED, 1010 01:12:47,431 --> 01:12:49,098 I STARTED LOOKING AT THE OTHER STATEMENTS 1011 01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:50,734 OTHER THAN, "THIS IS MY LAST TIME 1012 01:12:50,834 --> 01:12:52,936 THROUGH BLACKOUT." 1013 01:12:55,705 --> 01:12:57,441 THERE'S A PHRASE THEY'VE SAID TO ME 1014 01:12:57,474 --> 01:12:59,509 IN MULTIPLE SHOWS, THAT AS SOON AS IT'S SAID, 1015 01:12:59,609 --> 01:13:02,679 IT AFFECTS ME. 1016 01:13:02,779 --> 01:13:03,880 BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANNA SAY 1017 01:13:03,980 --> 01:13:05,915 WHAT THE PHRASE IS. 1018 01:13:08,885 --> 01:13:12,922 BUT, I WILL SAY THIS... 1019 01:13:13,022 --> 01:13:14,724 THE REASON THAT THAT SCENE EXISTED 1020 01:13:14,824 --> 01:13:18,495 IN MY BEDROOM, IN MY HOME, 1021 01:13:18,595 --> 01:13:20,897 IS THAT PHRASE. 1022 01:13:20,997 --> 01:13:22,932 AND THE PHRASE... 1023 01:13:25,769 --> 01:13:27,571 "YOU ARE FAILING." 1024 01:13:36,780 --> 01:13:37,847 I SAID AFTERWARDS, 1025 01:13:37,947 --> 01:13:40,383 THAT WE KILLED A DEMON THAT NIGHT 1026 01:13:40,484 --> 01:13:42,786 IN BLACKOUT. 1027 01:13:42,886 --> 01:13:46,590 BUT THAT SCENE IN THE DARK 1028 01:13:46,690 --> 01:13:49,493 WHERE I JUST HAD TO FACE MY THOUGHTS, 1029 01:13:49,593 --> 01:13:52,929 I WALKED OUT A STRONGER PERSON. 1030 01:13:56,533 --> 01:13:59,669 THAT'S PRETTY DAMN BEAUTIFUL. 1031 01:14:37,807 --> 01:14:42,211 ♪ DARK MOON 1032 01:14:42,311 --> 01:14:45,549 ♪ OH, WAY UP HIGH UP IN THE SKY ♪ 1033 01:14:45,582 --> 01:14:47,984 ♪ OH, TELL ME WHY OH, TELL ME WHY ♪ 1034 01:14:48,084 --> 01:14:52,989 ♪ YOU'VE LOST YOUR SPLENDOR ♪ 1035 01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:58,962 ♪ DARK MOON 1036 01:14:59,062 --> 01:15:02,566 ♪ WHAT IS THE CAUSE YOUR LIFE WITHDRAWS ♪ 1037 01:15:02,666 --> 01:15:05,001 ♪ IS IT BECAUSE IS IT BECAUSE ♪ 1038 01:15:05,101 --> 01:15:08,972 ♪ I'VE LOST MY LOVE 1039 01:15:11,641 --> 01:15:16,245 ♪ MORTALS HAVE DREAMS 1040 01:15:16,345 --> 01:15:22,686 ♪ OF LOVE'S PERFECT SCHEMES ♪ 1041 01:15:22,786 --> 01:15:27,624 - ♪ BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE - GIVE MYSELF TO YOU. 1042 01:15:27,724 --> 01:15:33,029 ♪ THAT LOVE WILL SOMETIMES BRING ♪ 1043 01:15:33,129 --> 01:15:38,635 ♪ A DARK MOON 1044 01:15:38,735 --> 01:15:41,638 ♪ OH, WAY UP HIGH UP IN THE SKY ♪ 1045 01:15:41,738 --> 01:15:44,273 ♪ OH, TELL ME WHY OH, TELL ME WHY ♪ 1046 01:15:44,373 --> 01:15:48,845 ♪ YOU'VE LOST YOUR SPLENDOR ♪ 1047 01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:55,685 ♪ DARK MOON 1048 01:15:55,785 --> 01:15:58,688 ♪ WHAT IS THE CAUSE YOUR LIFE WITHDRAWS ♪ 1049 01:15:58,788 --> 01:16:01,625 ♪ IS IT BECAUSE IS IT BECAUSE ♪ 1050 01:16:01,658 --> 01:16:04,728 ♪ I'VE LOST MY LOVE 1051 01:16:07,964 --> 01:16:12,702 ♪ DARK MOON 1052 01:16:12,802 --> 01:16:15,538 ♪ WHAT IS THE CAUSE YOUR LIFE WITHDRAWS ♪ 1053 01:16:15,639 --> 01:16:17,974 ♪ IS IT BECAUSE IS IT BECAUSE ♪ 1054 01:16:18,074 --> 01:16:24,814 ♪ I'VE LOST MY LOVE 75461

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