Original subtitles

.

- If there's one thing people say about me,

it's that I'm obsessed with serving the community.

When we open our hearts to giving,

we lift each other up.

- Hey, Mateo, can I have my charger back?

- Oh, my God, Justine,

I am in the middle of something, dummy.

Ugh, God.

Should I start over?

- Probably, although that was our best take so far.

- And again, Mateo,

we want the judge to see you as a humanitarian,

so maybe it doesn't help if you keep

calling people dummies and human toilets.

- Well, I can't control who enters the shot, Amy.

- Okay, let's just take it from the top.

- Hi, I'm Mateo Liwanag,

American, influencer, philanthropist,

and I'm truly honored to be serving the community

by running a toy drive

for a charity that's near and dear to my heart.

- River City Happy Tots.

- Tots?

I mean, are we even allowed to call them that?

- I don't think the kids care.

- Oh, kids. [chuckles]

I thought you meant tots like little people.

- You can just edit that out, right?

- Oh, yeah, I didn't even press record this time.

[upbeat music]

♪

[bouncy instrumental music]

- Um, Glenn, I wanted to ask--

sorry, is this-- am I loud enough?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Okay, well, Jerry and I

were wondering if you could marry us.

- You want me to officiate at your wedding?

- Sandra, I gave you a long list of better options!

For a small fee, we can get Tay Zonday.

The guy who sings "Chocolate Rain"?

Jeez, where have you guys been?

- We want Glenn. He's always been there for us.

When Jerry was in the hospital, he was the only person

who said he wished he could've visited.

- Oh, my God, Sandra, I can't--

you... [breathes loudly]

I can't even begin to s--

- This is who you want speaking at your wedding?

- Toy drive!

Donate to underprivileged youth!

- Okay, this isn't working.

Why can't we just grab toys from the store

and fake the shot?

- I think faking charity

is frowned upon in immigration cases

and, like, in life.

- Oh, here we go. We got a live one.

- Hi. - Oh, uh-uh.

A book? [chuckles]

Come on, that's just mean.

Go.

- Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

this week, enjoy 20% off

our nontoxic, organic cotton pillows.

Also enjoy wondering what we put in the other pillows.

- Hey, so what's the latest with Operation

Make Colleen Fall in Love With You and Then Dump Her

to Ruin Her Life Forever?

- Well, she's been pretty busy,

so I actually haven't seen her in a couple weeks.

- Oh, okay, well, let me know when you're gonna dump her

because I wanna be there. - Mm-hmm.

- I'm thinking maybe, I don't know, a two-way mirror,

or I cut some holes in a newspaper.

We'll figure it out on the day. - Okay.

- Smart.

So you're stretching it out with Colleen

so you can keep dating her?

- Well, that's a plus, but it's actually true.

She's just been swamped at work.

We barely even have time to text.

- Really? She works at a Cloud 9.

Everyone here is always texting.

I'm in a group chat about "Chicago Fire,"

and I don't even know if that's a show or a fire.

- Oh, I mean, well, we text a little bit

but mostly just, like, funny memes

and stuff like that.

- Can I see?

- Sure.

- Hmm.

[sighs] I'm sorry, Garrett,

but she ghosted you.

- What? No she didn't.

- Look at all those unanswered texts.

Trust me.

You know how, like, sometimes, you have a fish,

but then, like, you decide that you don't want

a fish anymore, so you just stop feeding it

and put it in the closet?

That's what she's doing to you.

- No, things are good.

I mean, she had to reschedule our last date

because her aunt got sick,

and so I just figure she's busy dealing with that right now.

- Oh, Garrett. Girls never have aunts.

- Um...

[scoffs]

- Check it out, I've already got

my official ordination license

from 5-minute-minister.net

- Oh, cool. - Got your name and everything.

- Now, first, I need to get to know you better as a couple.

So how would you describe your relationship?

- It's really nice.

Right? - Yeah, it's nice.

- Nice, nice. Okay.

And, Sandra, what do you really like about Jerry?

- Well, let's see.

I guess it's probably how nice he is.

- Okay, got it. I'll just underline nice.

Now, Jerry, what do you like about Sandra?

- She's great.

- Aww.

- Excuse me, where do you keep your Transformers?

- The toy section right over there.

- Oh, and while you're over there,

maybe consider buying a toy

you can donate to our toy drive.

- Oh, I would, but I already donated

to the St. Louis Samaritans guy out front.

- What? The Samaritans are here?

- Yeah, and I already gave and posted about it.

It'd be weird to do another post for this.

- Couldn't you just donate and not post?

- So, like, you would post it and then tag me, or--

- Or you'd just be helping some underprivileged kids.

- And they'd post it? Do they have phones?

- Okay, the toys are back there and to the left.

- That's why we're not getting any donations.

The Samaritans are out there

sucking up all the guilty consciences.

- You know, technically,

they need my permission to be here.

- Yeah, how dare they try

to help people without your permission?

- Exactly, this isn't a charity free-for-all,

although I do like the Samaritans.

They do great work. I'm a fan, really.

- Oh, just kick them out already.

- Yep, they gotta go.

[bell ringing]

Hi, I'm Amy Sosa, store manager.

- Hi.

Kyle Sawyer, generosity manager.

- So I think it's great you're--

- Thank you, happy holidays! - Could you--

could you stop ringing the bell for just a second?

- I gotta give 'em the bell, Amy.

People give, they want bell.

- Huh, right, yeah.

So, look, I think it's great you're out here,

but you need permission,

so I'm gonna have to ask you to--

- Well, I have permission.

I sent you an email last month.

- Uh, no, I think I would have remembered that.

- Oh, yep, here we go.

I said I wanted to come down and collect donations today,

and you responded, quote, "Sounds great!"

Exclamation point, end quote.

See, little... exclamation point there.

- Okay. [laughs quietly]

But that isn't exactly permission.

I just said, "Sounds great!"

As in, "Sounds great

that you want to do charity, as an idea."

- Uh-huh, okay.

It's just that that's ridiculous,

and I'm already here so--

- Okay, look, I'm gonna level with you.

We're doing a toy drive inside for our friend,

and no one's giving because they've already given to you.

So could you maybe just come back another day?

- I mean, look, this is your mistake.

I shouldn't have to leave because you're a bad manager.

- Uh, okay, wow.

Uh, I was trying to be nice, but this is over.

You need to leave now.

- [rings bell] Hey, you hear that, people?

Huh?

Little Miss Manager here

says that I have to stop raising money,

so people can spend more in her store!

- Wow, so that's what this store is about.

Money.

- No! Well, yes, but--

it's just--it's a bad day for him to be here.

- Oh, sorry.

Well, just let me know when you can pencil in a time

for poor people to eat.

- Ugh, okay, you know what?

It's fine. You can stay.

- You know what?

I bet they sell everything for more

than it cost them and keep the profit.

- We didn't start that.

That's--that's what all stores do.

[bouncy instrumental music]

.

- He called you a bad manager just because you asked him

to come back another day? - Mm-hmm.

- So why'd you let him stay?

- Well, I mean, you know, even though he's in the wrong.

I mean, obviously just a maniac,

it just kinda seemed like bad karma

to kick out the Samaritans.

It's gonna be fine.

We just have to find a way to get

customers excited about donating.

- Maybe we should humanize it.

You know, you could connect with people.

You could tell 'em your story.

- Talk to the customers? Gross.

- Yeah, he's been through enough.

[pop music playing over stereo]

[musician singing]

- Donate to our toy drive and get a free $5 gift card!

- It's good for anything in the store,

especially eyebrow tweezers.

- Donate to the St. Louis Samaritans!

We give people money for food instead of toys they can't eat.

- Excuse me.

I just want you to know that if you donate inside,

you get a $5 gift card instead of nothing.

- Hey, what the hell?

You stole my mark?

[ringing bell] Foul on the play!

- Okay. - Foul on the play.

- Okay, don't-- - Over here, people!

- We can just-- - Step right up and give!

Don't give anything once you're inside!

- You're being very aggressive! - Hey!

That's a rental.

- Well, we don't allow street performers out here,

so you'll just have to come get it at the end of the day.

Molly, hand these out, please.

- Wow, that guy--

I was seriously thinking about punching him for you.

- Aw, Jonah, no one believes that.

- Colleen's gonna be so jealous when you Instagram this.

Look at how much better off you are without her.

You're happy, totally jacked.

- Yeah, just traveling the world shirtless.

- She's gonna feel so sorry she dumped you.

- If she dumped me.

- Garrett, no, it's over.

You need to move on.

You should have some rebound sex.

- No, again, nothing to rebound from, so--

- Oh, Carol, do you want to have sex with Garrett?

- No, no, no, no.

- I'd be open to it. Colleen seems lovely.

- Oh, no, it would actually just be the two of you.

Colleen ghosted him, so-- - Didn't get ghosted.

- Oh, um, I'm really just focusing

on myself these days, so...

- Oh, no, okay, well, that was not a real offer,

so you're not rejecting me!

- You're Sandra's maid of honor, right?

I mean, how well do you know her and Jerry as a couple?

- Not much to know.

- They're two people who look alike

that are getting married, end of story.

- That's what I'm worried about,

The more time I spend with them,

the more I'm starting to think

that they're each just marrying the first person

who was nice to them.

- Eh, so what?

You're an officiant, not a marriage counselor.

- I'm not just gonna marry two people

who don't know each other.

I took an oath for my ordination.

I ticked a box and clicked next.

- You know, at this point, I think

all we should be worried about is keeping them

from having kids.

- From the bottom of my heart,

thank you for your donation.

This toy will go to a child who will cherish it--

- Yeah, cool, give me the gift card.

- Well, probably won't end up using that one,

but the gift cards are a great idea.

Our customers go insane when they hear the word "free."

- Yeah, don't you remember when we gave pretzels away

for Oktoberfest?

They came from out of state.

- Uh, guys.

- Oh, God.

What do you want?

- Well, look, I'm sorry about earlier.

I brought a little peace offering for you.

- Oh, okay, well, thank you. - Oh, oh, oh.

Just this one.

- You're donating one Army Man.

- Oh, sorry, is this not a toy? It looks like a toy.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

Plays like a toy.

Go ahead, give it a few "pews."

- Thank you.

Mateo, give him his gift card.

- That's great, thank you.

Ooh, and I will also be donating this.

Gift card, please.

- No, you don't get a gift card

for every stupid little Army Man.

- Stupid little Army Man?

Wow!

This guy does not support our troops!

- No, no! I support the troops.

Especially the American ones.

- Okay, sir, I'm sorry.

It's just one gift card per customer.

- Hmm, weird, doesn't say that on the flyer.

- Well, no, but that's just--

- Kinda sounds like you made another mistake.

Between this and the emails, I mean,

how did you become manager?

You win it in a raffle or something?

- What emails? - Nothing.

- She said I could be here today

and then backed out of it. - No, no.

- You didn't. - What?

- I did not. I didn't, I--

what I said was that the idea of him being here

sounded great.

- And that's different?

That's different.

- Look, just admit you're bad at your job,

and I'll be on my merry way.

- [laughs] Um, no.

No, I'm not gonna admit that,

because I didn't do anything wrong.

Mateo, give him the gift card.

- Really? - Um, Amy--

- It's fine, I know what I'm doing.

- Thank you so much. Ooh, $5 gift card.

Can I have my gift card, please?

- Oh, thank you, wow. Can I have a gift card, please?

I think I'm gonna be taking the rest of the gift cards,

to be honest.

That's a gift card.

And that'll be a gift card, there.

This'll be a gift card for sure.

.

- Hi, happy holidays.

- Save it. I'm not here to donate.

My manager informed me that you may be in violation

of our solicitor guidelines.

- Oh, I am very familiar with your guidelines.

No signage larger than 11x18.

I am 10 feet from the entrance.

And a certificate from my organization,

which I've had notarized just in case.

- Ooh, notarized. You mind if I touch the seal?

- Please, that's what it's there for.

- [whistles] - Mm-hmm, you're telling me.

- Huh, okay, well,

you don't appear to be in any dress code violation,

no gang colors, no visible swastifications,

and I see you've got multiple layers

in case of a temperature swing.

- Oh, well, yeah, you know, St. Louis.

If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

- [laughs]

Nice. Wait five minutes.

Yeah, that's well put. It's true.

It's a true thing.

You know what?

- Wow, thank you so much.

- I have really good vision.

I find, like, $8 a day. It's no big deal.

Wait five minutes. [laughs]

- You gave him money?

- He told a great joke about the weather.

- Amy, just admit that you're wrong

and then he'll leave. - No!

I'm not wrong. - Right.

Nobody thinks you think you're wrong,

but Mateo kinda needs this toy drive to go well.

- I'd donate myself, Mateo,

but I have my own kids to buy toys for.

It's not personal. - I didn't think it was.

- Okay, fine, it's a little personal.

- What kind of organization hires a guy like that anyway?

I mean, I bet this whole Samaritans thing

is just a big scam.

- Yeah, like those charities that send someone a cow

in a third world country and then it just ends up taking

a bite out of their TV and, like,

hogging the shower and stuff.

- Was that-- are you thinking of a cartoon?

- You know what's a scam?

Those hot Marines on Facebook.

Don't send them money till you have the nudes.

- That's good advice.

- If folks are looking for a good place to donate,

my church makes it super easy.

They take money straight out of my bank account,

so I don't even have to think about

whether I can afford to give that month.

- You don't even have to give money

to make a difference.

I donate my hair to chemo patients.

- Don't you have to grow your hair really long?

- No, anytime I get a trim,

I just sweep it into an envelope

and mail it to the hospital.

- You send them tiny bits of your hair?

What do they do with that?

- Whatever they want, Amy. It's their hair now.

- Aww. - We're getting off-track.

The point is that this guy is a jerk,

and we need to take him down.

- Uh-huh, yeah, and this is all

still about Mateo and the kids, right?

- Yes, of course!

Kids love revenge!

[hip-hop music playing]

- ♪ They say I walk like a king ♪

♪ Talk like a king

♪

- Can you hear that?

I can turn it up.

- Help the poor!

Do good, feel good!

♪

- Sorry! This is where we're storing

our fertilizer today.

♪

- What is this you're sprinkling?

- Don't worry about it.

♪

- What? So now I killed a lion?

- Oh, no, this is completely unrelated.

♪

- Hi. Do good, feel good.

- ♪ My legacy, like royalty

- Guys, you're freaking everybody out.

Hey, what's--what--

- ♪ Look at me now, count me down ♪

- Sorry, this is where we're storing

our carts today.

♪

- ♪ Make way for the king

- So I just got off the phone with Colleen.

The friendly non-ghost, and guess what?

She never even got my texts because her phone

was in her car and her car got towed.

- Oh.

- And when she finally got her phone back,

it didn't work 'cause it had overheated.

- Oh, that sucks.

- No, no, it's true because of the windows.

Like the greenhouse effect?

Oh, okay, so now you're saying Colleen

made up the greenhouse effect?

Uh, hello, climatologists?

My coworker thinks my girlfriend

made up the greenhouse effect.

What's that? It's established science?

Oh, okay. Turns out, it's science, so...

- Cool. - No, don't use that tone.

It's true, okay? We're good.

She just has to go out of town for a minute

because her dad's in a play,

but she's gonna reach out as soon as she gets back.

- Great, that's awesome.

- Stop it, I can tell you don't believe it.

- Why wouldn't I believe it?

- 'Cause it's highly improbable!

- So I got us a little privacy.

Okay, Sandra, I want you

to take a good, long look at Jerry,

then close your eyes

and imagine he's dead.

- Aww.

- I'm okay, Sandra. - No, you're not.

You're dead.

Now, imagine that you're talking to someone

who never met Jerry.

How would you describe him?

- Um, he was--

- And you can't say nice.

- Asian American?

- Is this still going on?

It is not that hard.

What do you like most about Jerry?

- I mean-- - Come on, out with it.

- I-- - Let's go, now!

Now, yes, words! Now, speak, go!

- I really enjoy Jerry's body.

And how it responds to my touch.

- Okay. Now we're getting somewhere.

Glenn, take this down. Sandra, keep going.

Jesus, do I have to do everything?

[door slams]

- Okay, I don't think that's--

- He just really knows where to kiss soft

and where to kiss hard.

- I had a great teacher.

- Dina!

- It is my honor to provide these toys to your tots

on behalf of myself and my love of country.

When I first came to America, I...

[phone rings, vibrates]

Forgot to silence my phone.

[sighs]

We should just take it from the top.

Amy, how's my hair? - I'm not brushing it again.

- Sorry, I should really get going.

- It's fine, I'll just piece together

something from what we already have.

For me, editing is the final stage

of the writing process.

- Thanks again.

You're gonna make a lot of kids very happy.

- My pleasure.

- God, I'd love to see the look on "Kyle's" face

as all these toys wheel past him.

- I know we don't like the guy, but his name

probably is Kyle, right?

- Whose side are you on?

- Guys, uh, so that was someone from Happy Tots

saying they're gonna be late.

[punchy percussive music]

- 'Tis the season, dicks.

.

- What the hell? You're stealing our toys?

- Technically, you donated them to me.

- Well, technically, you can suck it!

- Nope, leave it, no!

Stop. - No, okay, this is mine now.

- [grunts] - Hey.

[punchy percussive music]

Stop stealing from our charity, crazy people.

- Jonah, why are you filming this?

- It's really hard not to. [engine turns over]

- Ah! - Go, go, go.

- Over my dead body!

Amy, get in front.

Amy, you are blowing this!

♪

- Samaritans rule! [laughs]

[tires screech]

- Hey, I downloaded this app that predicts

what you and Colleen's babies would look like.

Beautiful.

You gotta show her these before you dump her.

- Yeah, those babies look great.

- Yeah.

- Uh, you know, actually,

Colleen and I aren't a thing anymore.

- What? - Yeah.

- Well, I told you to tell me before you broke up with her.

- I know, but, um, I wanted to surprise you.

- Well, tell me everything, how did she take it?

- Bad. I mean, real, real bad.

She was--she was a mess.

- [laughs] I bet.

Oh, she's probably doing that pathetic

look-how-great-I'm-doing stuff on Instagram.

- Mm-hmm, yep.

- [laughs] There it is.

Look at this totally fake picture

of her and some hot guy at a concert.

- Yeah, so fake.

- Ugh, nobody's buying it, Colleen.

You look way too happy.

[laughs] - Yeah, I saw that.

- But since we didn't have a full-length mirror,

we just watched ourselves in a big sheet of tinfoil.

- I felt like a movie star.

- Okay, again, could we talk about things

outside the bedroom?

- Um, well, I like when Jerry cooks me my favorite meal.

- Noodles.

- Well, that's nice.

- And he does the dishes.

Once I walked up behind him, and I said,

"I think there's one dish you're forgetting,

and it's very dirty."

[Sandra and Jerry giggling]

- So this is the best you could do?

- Well, I mean, it does kinda look like

you're throwing the toys onto the truck.

- This sucks.

Can't we just use the video of me

donating to that guy when I thought

he was with Happy Tots?

- You know, technically, we did collect toys

that went to charity, right?

I mean, who cares if it's Happy Tots or Samaritans?

- I mean, I care, because the Samaritans are trash, but--

[phone rings, buzzes]

I guess trash kids need toys too.

- Weird, Garrett wants to hang out tonight,

because he doesn't feel like being alone.

- [chuckles] He's just messing with you.

Ignore him.

[bouncy instrumental music]