All language subtitles for mixed nuts (1994)

Felix, come back here!

Well, you don't deserve
to be the father of my child!

Come back here
with that Santa Claus suit!

You jerk, you ruined our tree!
It was absolutely symmetrical!

- It took us hours to find!
- It was perfect!

- Nothing's perfect!
- Stop yelling.

- You'll send her into labour!
- She's going anyway!

- She's only seven months.
- Then she's having an elephant!

It was an accident.
Can't we show some Christmas spirit?

- You owe us 40 bucks!
- I'll sue you!

- Santa will repay you for your tree.
- It was 50 bucks!

We can't even afford a baby!

- Now, look what you did!
- Mind your own business, mister!

My business is helping people.

Well, you know what?
Merry Christmas!

This is the office of Lifesavers.
All lines are busy.

If you're on the verge of suicide

and calling from a touch-tone
phone, press one.

If you are merely depressed,
stay on the line.

- We'll be with you...
- What am I to do, Catherine?

I don't have a touch-tone phone.
Suppose I was on the verge of suicide?

- Merry Christmas, Lifesavers.
- I haven't slept for days.

I am terrified of the Seaside Strangler.
I know he's going to get me.

Do you fit the description of his victims?

Are you an attractive
woman with long, dark hair?

- Not really, although how long is long?
- At least to your shoulders.

I can't stop worrying about the planet.

What is it about Janet
that is worrying you?

Not "Janet." The planet.

Would you click your phone?
There's some static on the line.

You know, dear, just click
the little button, like this...

We can't divulge
personal details of our lives

but I know what you're feeling.

Do you live alone too?

I live with my mother.

Catherine, you're not supposed
to tell them about yourself.

I could never live with my mother.

That's something for you
to remember, isn't it?

No matter how bleak things are, at least
you don't live with your mother.

Thank you for calling.
Don't hesitate to call again.

Merry Christmas.

May I click for you, Catherine?

I don't think so, Mrs Munchnik.
They weren't suicidal, only depressed.

But if he or she had not spoken
with you, he or she

might have become suicidal,
mightn't they?

NOW SAVING 1422

Where do you suppose Philip is?

- I'm sure he'll be here shortly.
- Playing around, probably.

That's very unfair.
He's completely true to Susan.

Men are not true to anything.
They'll have sex with a tree.

He'll pull up on
his bicycle at any moment.

I could be having Christmas Eve dinner
with my dead husband's relatives.

I am not someone with no place to go.

I'm sure you're not.

Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
How may I help you?

Philip! Just who I'm looking for.

Merry Christmas. You're out!

You can't evict us!

Lifesavers has saved over 1400 lives.
Doesn't that mean anything?

You are three months behind in your rent.

After you save someone's life
you can't ask them for money!

- Doctors can. Aren't you a doctor?
- No.

In all of your calls,
has anybody impaled themselves?

No.

How can I tell my employees
their jobs are over?

Try you're fired. It works for me.

- Does anyone ever drink glass?
- The state's cut our funding.

No, they don't drink glass.
What's the matter with you?

- They must.
- Must what?

They must drink glass. They must.

- January second. Out!
- You don't care, Stanley.

You're one of those that don't care.

Of course not. I'm the landlord!

Philip! A tree!

- Merry Christmas.
- I'm glad you could make it.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

Temper, temper!

Sorry, but everything's gone wrong.

At least we're not being evicted.

- And why not?
- Where are the call sheets?

Everyone else
has received an eviction notice.

One hang-up!

- Dr Gillespie has two notices.
- A woman worried about the Strangler.

A man about to slit his wrists

because his non-profit business is
being ruined by a maniac!

I'm sure Philip will think of something.

Sure I will.

In the Peace Corps,
he built a Peruvian village

and solved all their soil erosion problems.

You could see the bright side of a plague.

I'm on my way.

Not without your present!

Merry Christmas, Mrs Munchnik.

- A fruitcake?
- Yes.

Remarkably like the one
I gave you last year.

Thank you so much, Philip.

Let me help you.

Merry Christmas!

Say hello to
your dead husband's sister for me.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Help!

Help! Philip! Catherine!

It's Mrs Munchnik!

Hello!

What are you doing with that?

- It's protection from the Strangler.
- Give me that, honey.

We don't know anything about guns.

I could've sold that suit
and bought our baby a car seat.

We don't have a car.

What was I supposed to wear?
You cut up my clothes.

- I was mad.
- Honey, you were mad the day we met.

A man on the boardwalk
says to me, "Smile."

- A total stranger.
- And you screamed at him.

"Shut up!" Remember?

I did, didn't I?

You had a right to. It was
an invasion of your privacy.

It was.

Look what I got for you.

We can have the baby
in the hospital for free.

We have to swear that we're broke,

have no way of supporting
ourselves, and never will.

God, Felix! I don't want to hurt
your feelings, but...

You're the only person
who's never hurt my feelings.

You're a loser. I can't have
a loser in my baby's life.

I'm not a loser! I'm an artist!

Why can't you paint on
canvas like anyone else?

- Because I'm a wall artist.
- But you don't have a wall!

Someday I will have a wall.

Someday I'll do my masterpiece
on a big wall

right out on the boardwalk.

And you and the baby will be in it,

and the sea and the stars
are gonna be shining.

- I want a businessman.
- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about breaking up, Felix.
That's what I'm talking about.

Come on, honey.

- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?

I'm going for a walk.

Gracie, you're just stressed.

And don't try to follow me either, Felix!

Susan! It's Philip.

Let me just go somewhere private.

- Tannenbaum's evicting us!
- You'll have to get another job.

I've never done this,
but you're a loan officer

and a small loan, say $5,000,
could save us.

I don't know how to tell Catherine.

She's sitting out there knitting
something. A pot holder.

I hate to talk money at a time like this.

A time like what?

God, I don't know how to say this.

This is really hard for me.

My psychiatrist thinks we should break up.

What?

I didn't know you were going
to a psychiatrist.

Well, I'm not.
I've been dating one for four months.

This is so sudden.

I didn't want to tell you over
the phone. I wanted to fax you,

but you don't even have a fax.

Susan? Susan?

It's so quiet. You'd expect everyone
would be jumping out of windows

or slitting their wrists on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, how may we help you?

Static again. Hello? Hello?

Hello? I can't hear you.

Try clicking the little button.
I can't hear you.

Look, I'm at the end of my rope
and I want to die.

Click it. Click it, please.

Go ahead.

We were disconnected.

If a person's really upset,
they always call back.

It's working.

Help! Help! Hey!

Help! Mr Capshaw!

I'm stuck up here!

Can't you hear me?

Wait. Wait. I'm up here!

Are you deaf?!

We could have a charity ball.

Who would I take?
We could have a garage sale.

Susan has all my old records.

A call! I'll get it.

Line one.

Hello. This is Lifesavers, Merry Christmas.

- Am I disturbing you?
- No, not at all.

I'm very lonely tonight.

May I stop by and talk?

It's not in the rules, but if you're willing
to make a donation, perhaps five grand...

I'm kidding!

- Everyone makes fun of me.
- I'm sorry.

Please, can't I come by?
I don't want to be alone now.

No, we have rules, but we're listening.

Everyone at Lifesavers is with you.

Talk to us!

I'm so alone.

"So alone." Anyone in
your family you could call?

- They hate me.
- Hate you. What about church?

Please, can't I stop by?

I'll only stay a minute.
I need to see someone.

Please, just give me the address.

I cannot give out the address.

It's Christmas!

- It's 17 Pier Street.
- Thank you.

I'll be right over.

Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Come on, hang some tinsel.

Dad, I hate it when you call me that.

Arnold! Arnold! Arnold...

Testing, testing.
One, two, three, four. Help!

I'm stuck in the elevator

I'm stuck in the elevator
Get me, please

Come to get me on Christmas Eve
Mrs Munchnik, here with nothing

Hey, come to get me you...

Come to get me! Stuck in this place

Get me soon, or hit me in my face

I can't believe I broke the rule,
giving out our address.

I hate it when they cry.
Especially with those little hiccups.

- This is the worst day of my life.
- It's the Santa Anas.

What if he's a serial killer,
or the Seaside Strangler?

I don't think he phones first,
but it could be a detail

they deliberately leave
out of the newspapers.

I'll handle this.

Hello. This is Lifesavers.
How may I help you?

I'm calling because
this is my last Christmas.

Your last Christmas. Continue.

I have leukaemia.
I have only two months to live.

Hello?

Leukemia. I'm so sorry, sir.

May I speak to a woman?
May I wish a woman Merry Christmas?

Absolutely. And may I say
that I admire your courage?

All of us here do. Here is my colleague.

Merry Christmas,
if it's all right to say that.

- What's your name?
- Catherine.

I want to do it to you, Catherine.

- I want to stick it in you.
- "Stick it in"?

I'm rimming and ramming! You love it!

Stop it! We can't have that sort of thing!

Put the slut back on!

Dog-haters, that awful woman
is stuck in the elevator!

- Stuck, I hope forever.
- I'm stuck!

- We're coming!
- I hope it takes years to get you out.

Serves you right for reporting
Daisy to the landlord.

- She practically gave me rabies!
- You don't "practically" get rabies.

You either get rabies or you don't.
There's no in-between.

I'll get that.

- What's the problem?
- I'm sure I don't know.

I am a trained mechanic
and I would happily fix any elevator

that didn't have a dog-hater in it!

I'll check the circuit-breaker box.

Who was that? Another basket case?

Your dead husband's sister.
They're starting dinner without you.

- Lucky them!
- I'm calling the landlord.

Don't think I don't know
what's really going on

between you and those dogs!

- If you could just come over...
- I can't.

She can't spend Christmas in an elevator!

- In a couple of hours.
- Thank you.

- Hello, Lifesavers.
- Catherine!

Finally, you're off the phone.
Don't you ever stop yakking?

We're supposed to talk on the phone.

- Yes, right.
- Is something wrong?

I'm spending the night at your place.
Felix is acting totally irrational.

He ran off in my Santa suit,
which I could've sold today.

- It's not the fuse box.
- Of course it's not!

It is a short inside.
I saw an electrician fix it last week.

All you need is a screwdriver,
and I will tell you what to do.

There's one in the earthquake kit.
Catherine!

Hold on a second. What is it, Philip?

Can you get the screwdriver
in the earthquake kit?

Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Should we use it?

Suppose we forget to put it back
and "The Big One" comes?

The law says all businesses must
have complete earthquake kits.

- Get it!
- I'll get it!

Come over here. I'll take you to Mother's.
Don't just ring her bell.

Will she think I'm the Seaside Strangler?

- She's a bit nervous.
- Does she fit victim descriptions?

- Not really.
- Why is she carrying on?

There he is.

I won't speak to him even if he begs me.

- Gracie?
- Gracie!

Gracie. Honey, come home to me.
I promise I'll get a regular job.

You had a regular job making pizzas.

- You messed up.
- The manager hated me.

- You never showed up on time.
- I'm a wall artist!

A wall artist with no wall,
which makes you a nothing!

- Tell him!
- He ruined our tree.

Shut up! You're both materialistic idiots!

Yeah!

- It's pyjamas. I knitted them.
- Thank you!

People give the bride things
to wear to bed, but not the groom.

The thing is, I'm never getting married.

You are. In four months. Be patient.
Everything comes to him who waits.

Did I really believe that?

I've said those things
for so long, they just pop out.

The truth is, nothing comes
to him who waits.

Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.

- Hello. I'm so upset.
- I'm listening.

I was in the supermarket,
and everyone was buying big turkeys.

I was standing in the 10-items-and-
under line with a chicken breast.

I know.

I suddenly realised I'd be in the
10-items-and-under line the rest of my life.

I know.

Are you all right?

Catherine, what's wrong?

Let me handle this.

- May I help you?
- Is she all right?

She'll be all right. May I put you
on hold while I run to my desk?

You're not calling from a bridge
or holding a weapon? Good.

Get a grip on yourself.

So the only present you got
is from your mother.

So you have nothing to do on New Year's
Eve for the 10th year in a row.

You're a very lucky person.
You have a wonderful job and...

you have a wonderful job. So there.

Well, just remember that in
every pothole there is hope.

Well, you see, pothole is spelled
P-O-T-H-O-L-E.

If you take the P and add it
to the H, the O and the E

and rearrange the letters, or
contrariwise, remove the O, T and the L,

you get "HOPE".

So remember,
in every pothole there is hope.

Thank you for calling,
and call again anytime.

- Are you feeling better?
- "In every pothole, there is hope."

- My father used to say that to me.
- I remember.

He said it to me
the day before he was run over

by a truck full of mixed nuts.

I have something for you.

- Merry Christmas, Catherine.
- Philip! Thank you.

"Fruit of the Month Club."

For apples, oranges, and pears.
I'll take the wrapping.

- I save the wrapping.
- I save it too.

- I make ornaments out of it.
- I paid for it! Give it to me!

Philip, what's this?
This is an eviction notice!

We have to be out by the end
of the year! Oh, my gosh!

- I didn't want to upset you!
- We have to find someplace!

- We don't have any money.
- You can solve this.

I know you can. When the city was
going to chop down healthy elm trees

- you handcuffed yourself to a tree...
- I'll call the newspaper!

In two weeks I'll be home,
unemployed, with my Royal Riviera pears.

- May I have the number for the Times?
- We need a miracle.

Thank you.

- Hey, dickheads!
- I'm coming, Mrs Munchnik!

- Get me out of this elevator!
- Don't tell her!

You have reached the Los Angeles Times.

To order a subscription,
please press one.

If your newspaper did not arrive
this morning, press two.

To place a classified ad, press three.

To speak to
the Editorial Desk, City Desk,

National or International Desks,
Sports Desk, Metro

or Calendar sections,
press the first three letters of the desk

followed by the star key
in the case of the first three,

or the pound key for the latter five.

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Here you go. I'll just pull you up
through the roof. Come on. I got you.

- The landlord will be here in two hours.
- Two hours! I have to go to the bathroom!

- Just hang on!
- I can't hold it!

Hurry up, you oaf!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Philip, are you all right?
- Do I look like it?!

I'm slipping! I'm going to crash!

Hold onto my wrist!

- You're hurting my wrist!
- Bring the elevator back!

You have two people up here dangling!

Who's down there?
Whoever you are, stop on four!

No, three! Three!
Stop on three, not on four!

Come on! Where you going?

I'm going to be crushed!

Do you have anything to say to Susan?
Any last words?

She broke up with me!

Push stop! Push the red button!

What red button?
Is someone talking to me?

I'm talking to you!

Push the red button!

God, help! We're going to die!

We're dead. I knew it!
Please save us! Oh, my God.

Gracie, come on. Come on, honey!

I promise I'll be a good guy.
I'll give the Santa suit back.

- I have to pee! Help!
- Here it is! I'm taking off...

Out of my way! Let me in!

Open this door now! An employee
desperately needs to get in!

Let me in! I'm in agony! Let me in!

Young lady, this restroom
is the property of Lifesavers!

- You let me...
- Calm down.

- Don't get excited.
- Gracie, please come home.

- I'm never coming back, Felix!
- Please get dressed.

- You know these people?
- This is Philip. Felix, Philip.

- We've met.
- We have?

- When you crashed into the tree.
- I didn't. You did.

- So we met.
- This is Mrs Munchnik.

Hello.

You two had better make up
before that baby comes.

I have two months to think about it.

Don't be ridiculous. You'll drop it any day.

- It looks large.
- Of course. It's mine.

I left prison seven months ago.

And you're the only person
who could be the father?

Excuse me!

- Is it true?
- Is what true?

What she said.

- I'm a slut now?
- Who's the father?

This is what I'm talking about!

Wait. This is a non-profit organisation.
There are laws against this.

Felix, you're a maniac!

Gracie! Look what you did. He's bleeding!

Evelyn? Yes, I'm finally out.

Felix needs stitches.
We have to take him to the hospital.

Who's going to pay? We can't afford
to have our baby in a hospital.

We'll take him to the vet.
Dr Kinsky'll help us.

I'll be there in just a few minutes.

Just a minute. What is it?

I'm afraid you'll have to cover the phones.

I'll have to cover the phones.
They want me to stay.

- Is that incredible?
- You've driven him into a frenzy!

- Like lighting dry leaves.
- You have a responsibility.

They're making me feel guilty. I will be
at your house before next Christmas!

That's all I have to say.

- Thank you. Are you coming, Gracie?
- No way.

Relax. You'll like Dr Kinsky. He's not
just a friend, he put my dog to sleep.

If you go into labour,
or anything along those lines

just don't expect any help from me.
I am not a midwife.

I never expect help.

Dr Kinsky's an expert on pot-bellied pigs.

You can housetrain them
and they can find fungi.

In bed they stick their nose under
the covers and root, which is sweet.

- I hate pigs.
- But they have those cute curly tails.

I hate their cute curly tails.

- Hello, Catherine.
- Hello, Louie.

I got a present for you. Something

personal.

I'll be right back.
We're taking him to the vet.

- Is he rabid?
- He's a poor, unemployed person

in a bad relationship.

That's what they said about Old Yeller.

Well, I'll see you later, Louie.

I'll be waiting.

- May I use your scissors?
- Oh, yes.

- May I cut up your eviction notice?
- That would be fine.

Do you have any tape?

I think there's some in that drawer.

Wait. Wait a minute! Oh, my...

Oh, that Philip!

How dare he not tell anyone?

He is going to pay for this,
or my name is not Blanche Munchnik.

Here, lie down.

Dr Kinsky? Hello!

I'll be right back.

Is anyone here? Marshall?

- Dr Kinsky? Merry Christmas!
- What? Hi, Philip.

- I can't talk. I'm in a rush!
- You gotta help us.

I gotta go.

Felix is bleeding.
He was hit with a fruitcake.

- How did that happen?
- Lovers' quarrel.

I'm up to my eyeballs in people who think
that animals have feelings!

- I don't think you understand...
- I'll take care of it.

Spare me the melodrama.
Take Felix out of his box, put him in here.

- I'll be right back.
- Felix out of his box.

Hi, Pepper, Ginger, Billy, Duke!

- I'm running late.
- What is it now?

- A cat with a concussion.
- It's always this way.

Animals always come first.
Merry Christmas.

- Not that you even celebrate it!
- Wait! Wait!

A person named Felix?

Before cats, people were named Felix.

No. If you look it up,
the exact opposite is true.

Hi, Pancho.
You don't have to worry, do you?

- All you want is food and love.
- That's all I want.

- I want to be a wall artist.
- You make people happy chasing a stick.

I have to raise $5,000
or I'll hurt two people I care about.

- I care about Gracie.
- I care about Vanessa.

- And I about Catherine and Mrs Munchnik.
- What about Susan?

- Susan's gone.
- Gracie's gone.

- Vanessa's gone.
- Give up women, Pancho.

- Tomorrow he will.
- That's gotta hurt.

Once he takes these
he won't know what hit him.

We never know what hits us,
and one day we're talking in falsetto.

Stay. Let me ask you something.

- How many pillows are on Susan's bed?
- About 12.

See? What is it with women and pillows?

I mean, how many do you need?

- Two. One for you and one for her.
- Yeah.

Vanessa has all these pillows.

I mean, she's got round ones,
she's got heart-shaped ones.

She's got those pillows
with the stuff around the edges.

- Ruffles?
- Yeah.

You wanna go to bed,
you gotta take the pillows off.

And in the morning you put them
back on! What's the point?

Lifesavers is about to go under.
I don't care about pillows!

- What's wrong with him?
- My God!

Come on, come on. Get up.

- What happened?
- He took dog tranquillizers.

Oh, my gosh, Felix!

Get him up. Walk him around.
Get out of the way!

All right, keep him moving.

- How can you be friends with them?
- I beg your pardon!

Where did you find them?

I met Gracie at an Adult Children
of Alcoholics meeting.

- Was your mother an alcoholic?
- No.

- Was your father?
- No.

I heard it was a good place to meet men.

I didn't meet a man, needless to say.
I met Gracie and she breaks my heart.

Because I care about her,
I care about Felix.

I'm not like you, only good on the phone.

- That's not true. I'm good in person.
- In person you blame everyone.

You did something wrong. You gave out
our address. Did I blame you? No.

I blamed the Santa Anas.

I don't even know what they are!

- They're dry winds from the desert...
- Shut up!

Don't stand there, call an ambulance!
That's something you'll be good at.

I'm glad we're not working together.
I'm glad this is our last week.

If Gracie had any idea what you've done,
she would be devastated.

That's probably Felix.

I can assure you, if you think
your husband is having an affair, he is.

He says, "I'm in my office,
eating Chinese food."

I don't care if he's dying.
I'm not gonna answer it.

Read his mail. Read it!

That's the delightful way I found out
that I'm about to be jobless.

That's right.

Fine.

How can I do it to you,
baby, if you hang up?

- What? Who is this?
- Is this Catherine?

- No, this isn't Catherine.
- Merry Christmas to you too.

- You're new! Who are you?
- My name is Gracie.

Gracie. I want to write your name
in cheese. I want to bark like a dog!

You know what? You are a disgusting,
sleazy, perverted pig!

Excuse me! I'm sorry. May I help you?

The person you were speaking with

has not taken the Lifesavers
training program.

Shut up, Grandma.
I'm not busting your cherry!

I'm simply crushed.

I've waited my whole life for you
and now you don't even want me.

Do go on. I believe
you were discussing my cherry.

I am so good at this.

Soon I will be left high and dry
with no outlet for my talent.

I have to pee.
Have you ever been pregnant?

No, I have not. Listen, young lady,
when you come out

do not answer the phone
under any circumstances.

Do not answer the door
under any circumstances

because it could be the Seaside Strangler.

He'll take fishing twine
and wrap it around your neck.

Your face will turn blue
and your eyes will bulge out

and then he'll hike up
your skirt and bang you!

Very funny! Very funny, young lady.
No one comes here.

This is an unlisted address.

Hello? Hello, who is there?

It's the Seaside Strangler!

Whoever you are,
you're not supposed to be here.

Oh, who is it? Answer me!

Do you have something to hide?

Did you do that?

Did you turn out the lights,
or is it just this stupid building?

Are you the Seaside Strangler?
Well, listen here.

I am calling the police.
I am getting the reward,

and you will
go to a maximum-security prison

where a very large, hairy man
will make you his girlfriend.

I am not your type. I am short
and my hair is short. I am attractive.

I suppose I do fit that
part of the description.

But I am not young.
I have never been young.

- Although, I do look considerab...
- Would you knock it off?

What would the Seaside Strangler
want with you?

- You're having a fantasy.
- No, don't!

What a sad and horrible Christmas Eve.

I had to take the bus.
I stubbed my toe on the boardwalk.

- May I come in?
- Sure.

- Is she all right?
- She's fine.

- Oh, what beautiful beads.
- Thanks.

Could you do me a favour?
I'm gonna leave.

- Could you put her out of the way?
- I'd be happy to.

Hello. Lifesavers. May I help you?

May I speak to a woman?
May I wish a woman Merry Christmas?

You are speaking to a woman.

- Mrs Munchnik?
- No.

Who are you?

I called earlier
You gave me the address.

I remember.

I came right over.

Have you seen a woman in a bad mood?

She's resting behind the couch.

You were very good on the phone.

On the phone.
I was good on the phone.

Won't you sit down?

My voice puts you off, doesn't it?

Not at all.

It doesn't suit me. In that sense,
I'm exactly like Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger?

He has this odd little nasal voice
in a pompous, fat body.

It must upset the Russians terribly.

I met him once.

How fascinating.

Not that he'd remember me. No one does.

I'm sure that's not true.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Excuse me. I'm just going to

light these candles in case the...

It was at one of
those dance clubs, you know.

Here today, gone tomorrow.
When you look... it's gone.

Who was I with?

I have no idea. When you're confused,
your past is a blur.

- He wasn't dancing.
- Who?

Henry Kissinger.

- I'm boring you, aren't I?
- Not in the least.

I bore everyone.

I'm sure that's not true.

I find you very entertaining
and informative.

I had no idea
Henry Kissinger went to dance clubs.

Perhaps you could come back
some other time.

Say, after the New Year
and we could continue our chat.

I wasn't dancing, either. I have
two left feet, I believe is the expression.

Well, let me give you a piece of advice
before you leave.

- Did you bring a coat?
- Just my cape.

Have you heard of the Greater Orange
County Mambo Contest of 1968?

I was scared to enter it and yet I did.

And I won first prize,
dancing with my sister.

From that moment on I've never
worried about anyone's opinion

and neither should you.

You mean, you wouldn't
hesitate to dance even with me?

Absolutely not.

Do you have music?

Come on, Catherine.
Let's go to my place.

- Now?
- I have something for you.

There were 14 kids
in our family, so, for Christmas

we each got one pair of socks.

- Really?
- We never saw our mother.

Divide 14 into 24
and what you get? Two.

We each saw our mother
two minutes a day.

- You mean two hours a day.
- No, I mean two minutes.

My mother's always there.
Sometimes I wish she were dead.

I shouldn't say that.
Don't think I'm a terrible person.

Suppose she dies now,
and it's all my fault?

Close your eyes.

Open them.

Is that me?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Gracie. You're so talented.

I have spent my whole life trying
to make something out of nothing.

Don't take that personally, Catherine.

But just once, I'd like
to have something to begin with.

Christmas is such
a powerful time, isn't it?

Gracie, let's make a wish. Hold my hand
and we'll make a Christmas wish.

Really, I mean it.

I'll go first so
you won't be embarrassed.

If you say it out loud and
it doesn't come true, it's much worse.

But here we go.

I wish

there was someone I cared for,
who cared for me.

There, I said it. Your turn.

I wish for my baby to have a better life.

- Love.
- Money.

I should get back to the office.

Wait a second. Let's get some
Chinese food on the way.

I don't think...

- Is it making you nervous?
- I'm not nervous at all.

Dancing with you
makes me feel all fluffy

like I was dancing on a cloud.

I deal with all kinds of people in my work.

None of them are conventional.
And neither am I.

You're a marvellous dancer.

Thank you.

This is shocking. Completely shocking!

- I'm suing you. Do you hear?
- For what?

Withholding information,

psychic stress,

stupidity

and obviously improper office behaviour.

- Mrs Munchnik...
- I'm calling the L.A. Times.

- I am calling them!
- They'll do a hatchet job.

- They'll do a puff piece on us.
- I may be temporarily jobless.

But you will be jobless for ever.
I will see to that.

I was trying to be kind.
I wanted to figure out a way.

We only need $5,000.

That's practically your annual salary!
You are a failure.

- I will see to it that you stay that way.
- Mrs Munchnik!

I suppose Catherine knew about this.
I suppose she was in cahoots.

That Catherine. She is the most
devious woman that I have ever met.

Catherine is the kindest creature
on the face of the earth.

- Catherine wants to rip your clothes off.
- She does?

Under that mousy exterior,
lies smouldering lust.

- Really? She isn't speaking to me.
- I'm not at all surprised.

But before, she said
she'd pray for a miracle.

That is pathetic. Do not walk me to my car.

Stay right there.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Say hello to
your dead sister's husband for me.

My dead husband's sister,
if you don't mind.

Are you crazy?!

This is all I do all day,
deal with nuts like you!

Oh, my God, Catherine was right.
In person, I'm a disaster.

I am so sorry. I really didn't mean it.

Please, no apology is necessary.
I understand completely.

Goodbye.

- When is the Automobile Club coming?
- In a half hour.

I used to be in the Club.

They kicked me out for not having a car.

- They're a bit uptight.
- Catherine!

What have you done to yourself?

- You've lost your identity.
- I have not.

- I'm hungry. I'll die.
- Are you about to eat?

Allow me to contribute a fruitcake.

Serve it to that male colleague you admire

who's upstairs dancing with
a strumpet while Lifesavers fails.

- Our food's getting cold.
- Is Susan with him?

Hardly!

- Catherine, you look cool.
- Thank you.

Could I come up and sing my song now?

I'd like nothing more.

Catherine, is that... you?

I'll do you too, because you
and Catherine don't go together.

- We've never gone together.
- You weren't together, but you matched.

Come on, Philip. Get up.

I wanna match too.

- I'll get to you in a second.
- What's he doing here?

I invited him.

- Don't you have someone here?
- I do not.

- Someone left her cape.
- Someone left his cape.

Really, Philip.

- Where's Felix?
- He's at the hospital.

- Oh, right.
- Felix is in the hospital

- As soon as we get into the unit.
- Let's go.

To... Catherine

I wonder whether your name

Starts with a "C" or a "K"

I wonder whether you prefer

Almond Joy to Milky Way

I wonder whether you sleep

To the left or to the right

I wonder who you think would win

If me and Philip got into a fight

So many things for me to wonder

So very pretty

I wonder when Elliot Said goodbye to E.T.

Did you break down and cry

I wonder if I gave you pudding,
eggs and flour

Could you make a Boston cream pie

I wonder if your eyes close

When you come in for a kiss

I wonder if we had a baby

Would you object to having a bris

So many things for me to wonder

I love grape jelly

That's it?

It's a work in progress.
It may never be finished.

Oh, Louie.

That was so sweet of you, Louie.

Would you mind passing the chow mein?

No one ever wrote a song for me before.
I can't believe it.

Who ate the water chestnuts?

- I wrote it longhand.
- Where are the water chestnuts?

It took me eight months. I quit my job.

Presents that you make yourself
are always the most special.

- Where did this fruitcake come from?
- That weird lady.

What ingratitude. I give her a gift
and she abandons it like it's nothing.

Look, there's the dog-hater.

Mrs Munchnik?

Mrs Munchnik, what can I do you for?

What is it? Tell me.
What can I do you for?

That's just what my dead husband
used to say.

What?

"What can I do you for?"

I'll tell you what you can
do me for, Mr Lobel.

On the beach! On the beach!

It's dangerous to throw things
out of windows.

I completely agree.

Do you work here?
We're discussing office behaviour

and since you don't work here
and we do, you cannot participate.

Somebody's not in
the holiday mood, I guess.

- Hello, Lifesavers.
- Is this Kentucky Fried Chicken?

- The crazy person is back.
- What do you want?

- Do you have any breasts?
- I forgot my cape.

That's who you were dancing with?

She insults me, too. If you don't have tits
like Dolly Parton, no one wants you.

Thanks for the memories!

Merry Christmas to all.
And to all, a good night!

Oh, my God, Felix! What now?

Gracie, come back to me, honey, please.
I can't live without you. I love you.

We're in the middle of dinner right now.

- Put that toy down instantly.
- You think this is a toy?

Felix! What are you doing?
This is not funny!

Don't make him nervous.

Who wants to be first?
Who wants to be the hero?

- He just gets upset.
- Because you're insane.

Wait till I get home with you.
You are gonna have it!

I love you!

Gracie, make an effort.

He loves you.
He just has trouble expressing it.

You're supposed to protect me.

This person will protect me, won't you?

- You're gonna shoot a pregnant woman?
- No, I'm gonna shoot you.

Mr Santa? Listen to me.

This young woman has reason
to hate you. We all do.

But that's no reason
to shoot someone, is it?

So, please

put the little pistol down.

No.

He shot my foot!

- Felix, you are a maniac!
- Everybody blames me for everything.

I can't look. Am I bleeding?

I'm going to bleed to death.
Someone call my mother.

Don't touch me. I forbid you.
Just call a doctor.

Stop pointing that gun at me!

We have to stop playing with guns now.

Don't just take it, empty it.

- Gracie, what are you doing?
- I am emptying it.

- I can't believe you.
- I'm sick of him. He's a nutcase.

I'm protecting us from him.

Yes?

- It's Stanley.
- Who's Stanley?

The landlord. I called him to fix
the elevator. I completely forgot.

The elevator's fixed.

- What's going on? Is everyone dead?
- Not everyone.

- What's going on up there?
- Just a teeny, tiny accident.

Just a weeny one.

Keep it down. This isn't the Fourth of July.

I know, I'm sorry. Won't happen again.

We have to call the police.

Dial 911. That's their number.

They can't do anything. He's dead.

Philip, I didn't mean to do it.
You're not gonna turn me in, are you?

This is the Los Angeles police.
Hold on, your call is important to us.

Oh, Philip, is this the miracle?

The eviction will go through regardless.
This is not the miracle.

What about me?

- Doesn't anyone care about me?
- I'll take care of her.

I'm coming.

- Catherine, are you OK?
- I can't breathe.

I'm having trouble breathing.

I'm so cold.

Catherine. Catherine?

I am so cold!

It's all right. Calm down.
Put your arms around me.

Come on. Everything's gonna be OK.

Easy, over the dead body.
I've got you, just relax.

I've got you. Come on, I've got you.

Oh, my God!

That's just a little scratch.

My God, my foot is completely numb.

It's going to be very painful soon.

- I'll get you some aspirin.
- Thank you.

Or, better yet, I'll get you
some Tylenol with the codeine.

Oh, no, no.

Nuprin, that's the good stuff.

I've got it: Luden's cough drops.
That'll be for me. I got a scratchy throat.

Lean here, all right?
Just lock your knees.

I'll run you a bath.
This time with water.

- It'll make you feel better.
- OK.

Hello?

Hello? Is anyone there?

I'm going to get gangrene.

Would someone bring me a bandage?

I'm not asking for the moon,
I'm just asking for a bandage.

All right, just sit here, OK?

OK? Are you all right?

Hello? Where are you?

I'll just get it myself.

- Your bandage.
- Philip!

Oh, my God! You broke my nose!

- Philip!
- What?

If you call the police,
my baby will be born in jail.

It won't be born in jail.

My nose is my best feature.

- I'm sorry.
- Promise it won't be born in jail?

I promise!

My face is ruined!

- Philip?
- Here's your bandage.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Philip, help me.

Do you want Gracie to undress you?

Do you want me to help you?

Something's happening.

My heart is racing.
I feel all nervous and sick.

That's the way I've felt
since the day I met you.

Your sweater was buttoned
funny that day.

One side stuck up higher
and poked up into your chin.

- You remember that?
- I'll never forget it.

What does it look like?
No, I don't wanna know.

It's just a little larger than usual.

The swelling will go down.

It must be nice to have
your best feature be so prominent.

My best feature's my hands.

That's why I play the ukulele.
It gets your hands out there.

- Are you a professional player?
- Oh, no. I'm a writer.

- What do you write?
- T-shirts.

Really?

I wrote "Save the dolphins."

Excuse me.
What do you mean, you wrote it?

I wasn't the first to say it,
just to put it on a T-shirt.

- Did you do "Life is a beach"?
- I wish.

I met the guy who wrote that
at a party. He snubbed me.

We haven't been properly introduced.
My name's Louie.

Chris.

Chris.

Oh, Chris

I wonder whether your name

Starts with a "C" or a "K"

I wonder if you have a skinny
Uncle Harry Or a fat Aunt Fay

I wonder if you know
How good you look

In those pantyhose

If you're happy I didn't mention

The things coming out of your nose

So many things for me to wonder

We could cut him up and wrap
him up as Christmas presents.

Who would we give them to?

- Check the peephole.
- There isn't one.

Oh, how convenient.

Philip, it's Susan.

- What is it?
- I need to see Philip.

I've made a terrible mistake.

He's in the bath with Catherine.
Like to wait?

- No.
- Good. There's enough going on here.

If only we could
disguise him as something.

Catherine was very distressed,
so I had to comfort her.

Where's Stanley?

Where is he?
What did you do with it?

He's in the tree.

In the tree?

He is the tree.

I wrapped him up
in those potato sacks.

Oh, my God.

They're burlap.
It's itchy, unless you're dead.

We took branches off
the old tree and stuck them on.

- How?
- Super Glue.

It's the most amazing invention.
Pull on a branch.

You could chin yourself on this tree.

Fortunately, the guy had a good posture.

I admire good posture.

- Felix has lovely posture.
- Thank you, honey.

Just as well we're out of business.
I'm incompetent, like Job.

- Philip, really!
- All right, I'm not like Job.

But look at me, pretending to save lives.

There's nothing in the refrigerator.

I couldn't save a life
if my life depended on it.

We have been here for six years.

And what do we have to show for it?
A dead body.

Disguised as a Christmas tree.

Thank you. Thank you for reminding me.

- I got a plan.
- Felix always has a plan.

I am so proud of you, honey.

We take it downstairs.
We leave it on the boardwalk.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

- That's not a plan.
- What's wrong with it?

A plan should have more than one part.

It's supposed to go like,
"First we do this, then this."

I don't appreciate you talking this way.
We're trying to help you out.

Yeah. All right, you want a plan?

First, we take it downstairs.

Then we leave it on the boardwalk,
then we go home.

We just leave it standing
like the city put it there.

- And when the city takes it down?
- We're outta there.

What's going on?

They turned the landlord into a Xmas tree.
We're gonna leave it on the boardwalk.

That's a good plan. We'll help.

Be careful now.
Don't let the branches fall off.

What about Stanley's bag?

Leave it under the tree
and let somebody swipe it.

Only some of us should go.

- I'm going.
- OK, the two of us.

We wanna go, too.

- We made it.
- OK, four.

- I promise not to attract attention.
- Six, but that's it.

- We should try to act jolly.
- I'll sing.

If you get all weird this Christmas
Scooby-dooby-doo, plop-plop fizz

We could really use your business
Scooby-dooby-doo, let's eat Cheez Whiz

- Philip! Catherine!
- Merry Christmas!

Dismantling the office?
Where are you going with our tree?

- It's not our tree, really.
- It is too our tree.

I recognise the red cellophane thingy.

Keep those mutts away
from my tree, please.

- May I?
- By all means, Blanche.

Here doggies. There's a good girl.
Come to Mommy.

Yes, what a good girl.
What a good puppy.

They definitely did it.

Oh, my God! It's the rollerbladers!
It's them!

It's the tree-haters!

- Let's get them!
- Your tree is history!

- Watch out!
- Out of the way!

- You ruined our Christmas!
- No!

Look out!

Merry Christmas from
Doug and Carol Ferguson!

We've got one dead body
at 517 Ocean Park Walk.

Request for the homicide unit
to respond.

What happened?

Who is this?

Who knows what happened?

I do.

Our landlord Stanley Tannenbaum
has committed suicide

out of guilt over
his condominium conversion.

And these two incompetent people,
but never mind

were so tormented
that they couldn't prevent it

that they tried to hide it from the world.

Actually, that's not what happened.

Obviously.

What happened was...

It was Christmas Eve

and Felix just happened to drop by

- with his gun.
- Who is Felix?

All right, I'm Felix. I did it.

Spread your legs,
put your hands behind your back.

Just because he's an ex-con,
you blame it on Felix.

- Well, officer...
- Don't!

Here's your big murder weapon. I did it!

Santa! Mommy, it's Santa!

Felix, what are you doing?

I can't live without you, Gracie!

If you go to jail,
I might as well be dead!

Everybody move back!

Move back immediately.
We have a dangerous condition.

Felix, it was an accident.
They're not gonna convict me.

- Now, come down!
- But what if they do?

I can't take a chance
on the criminal justice system.

I went to jail for nothing.
They could do it to you.

No, stop!

You've got to do something.
You've got to save him.

Felix, I forgive you
for shooting me in the foot.

- I don't care!
- OK.

Felix, stop! Listen to me!

Don't you want to spend Christmas
with your baby?

Don't you wanna see him
open his first present?

What was your first present, Felix?

Hubcaps.

Now I can't even afford hubcaps.

Felix, you know something?

You're not upset because you're broke.

- I'm not?
- No.

Or because you're an artist
without a place to paint.

- I'm not?
- No.

Or because the woman you love

may go to jail for a very long time.

- I'm not?
- No.

You're upset because it's Christmas.

Christmas is a time when you look at
your life through a magnifying glass

and whatever you don't have
feels overwhelming.

Being alone is so much
lonelier at Christmas.

Everything sad is so much
sadder at Christmas.

You can't give into it! I thought today
was going to be my worst day.

But then something wonderful
and unexpected happened.

First something horrible happened.

Actually, three horrible things happened,
but then something wonderful.

The holidays aren't over yet, Felix.

They're not over for you
and not over for Gracie. Who knows?

Who knows?

There's magic at Christmas.

And I'll bet, if you come down,
you'll find that out.

I love you, Felix.

I love you so much, Gracie.

Come on down, Felix.
It's almost midnight.

Bravo!

We'll have a van here in a few minutes
and we'll take you all down to the station.

This bag belongs to Stanley.

- Brian.
- What've you got here, Rizzo?

FP 242, notify watch commander.

- Where'd you get this?
- Take a guess.

Gracie Barzini?

Yes. I'm ready.
You can take me away now.

Congratulations.
You have killed the Seaside Strangler.

What?

Fishing twine and kelp.

- You're kidding!
- Stanley's the Strangler?

I killed the Seaside Strangler!
How brilliant is that?

- Isn't there a reward?
- There's a $250,000 reward.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

I could pay for your moving expenses.
How much do you need?

- Only $5,000!
- $5,000?

Fine!

I'm so happy, Catherine!

Thank you. What can I give you?
How could I possibly thank you?

I know.

A fruitcake.

I'm rich!

Oh, no!

- What is it?
- My goodness!

- What's the matter?
- My water just broke.

- We have plenty of time.
- No, I'm having it.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure!

- Dr Kinsky will help us!
- What?

- She's having the baby!
- I'm having the baby!

Over by the tree.

- By the tree.
- Please help.

Lift up my leg, you moron!

Out of the way! Get out of the way!

- Right here.
- All right! Breathe!

OK, you're doing great. All right.

- I'm having it!
- I know. Relax, take it easy.

- Everything's gonna be fine.
- It'll come out, right?

You're in good hands.

I've done this hundreds of times.

- Aren't you a veterinarian?
- Yes, but it's the same basic concept.

- Relax and breathe.
- I'm not relaxed!

- Then just be anxious and breathe.
- That's it. It's starting to come.

- A little breathing.
- You're telling me!

All right. Here we go. Another contraction,
then give me a big push.

- There we go. Look, I can see...
- Would you shut up?

Give me another big push.

It's starting to come.

Another big push.

My God!

It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

What shall we do for Christmas?

I don't know. What shall we do?

Let's get married.

This is the miracle.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!