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1
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,274
Now, come on, Geraldine.
You're not trying. Now, squeeze.
2
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,872
It's not good enough, you know.
You're supposed to fill this thing.
3
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:50,278
Now, come on.
One, two. One, two. One, two.
4
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,516
One, two. One, two.
5
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:53,914
(Thud)
6
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,232
Tom, put that stone down!
7
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,511
Tom, don't be childish. Now, come here.
8
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,756
Blasted thing,
leaking oil all over our garden.
9
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,029
Don't be so childish. Come here.
10
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,673
Come here.
11
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,119
Come on.
12
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,751
Come on.
13
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,151
Come on, give it to me.
14
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,753
Put that stone down!
15
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,472
Anyway, it's not all over the garden,
is it?
16
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,195
No, no, no. Just a dirty great
chunk of it, that's all.
17
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,754
I mean, look at it, look at it.
Like Texas gone wrong.
18
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,758
How far does it reach over there?
19
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,791
That's what I'm trying to find out.
20
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,717
Well, it's as far as that, for a start.
21
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,679
It's ruined the soil, you know,
utterly ruined. It's polluted.
22
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,075
We shan't be able to grow anything
in this for years.
23
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,474
Nothing at all?
24
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,431
Not unless you know
some oil-loving plants.
25
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,517
How about linseed?
26
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,876
They produce it. They don't grow in it.
27
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,275
Oh!
28
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,311
(Thud)
29
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:27,880
Marvellous, isn't it?
30
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,753
Nothing like starting the day
with a nice little catastrophe.
31
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,110
Two catastrophes.
32
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,958
- Don't joke.
- I'm not. Look.
33
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,394
I suppose you remembered
to warm your hands under the hot tap
34
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,999
before you started milking?
35
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,350
Oh, I've tried that.
36
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,551
Now, look here, you.
37
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,593
(Yells)
38
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,313
(Door opens)
39
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:15,638
Well, I finally coaxed something
out of her.
40
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,671
Huh? Oh, good old Geraldine.
41
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,038
- I've never liked that goat.
- Turncoat.
42
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,879
She's been a good friend to us.
We've had a lot of milk out of her.
43
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,911
What's she gone on strike now for, then?
44
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,156
She's probably got something
on her little mind.
45
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,113
She doesn't buck her ideas up, she'll
have a poleaxe on her little mind.
46
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,471
- Everybody works here.
- Yes, I can see that.
47
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,875
Well, Pythagoras,
what's your latest theorem?
48
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,434
Well, it's a pigsty.
49
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,471
- We've got one.
- I know.
50
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,558
We're moving the existing one
onto that patch of oily ground.
51
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,638
Make the pigs little stilts
to walk about on, presumably.
52
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,750
A new design, concrete floor.
It's the only way.
53
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,950
We'll still have
the same amount of growing land.
54
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,719
I thought you said we were just going to
move the topsoil.
55
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,637
Yeah, well,
I was being a bit optimistic.
56
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,672
We'd have to go down a yard at least.
That's what? Here, look.
57
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,839
Ayard by 15 yards by 10 yards. That's
150 cubic yards of earth to shift.
58
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,440
- That's a lot, isn't it?
- Yes.
59
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,751
We'd end up with a dirty great pit
and a slipped disc each. No.
60
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,076
Moving the pigsty's the best idea.
61
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,316
- There's a flaw.
- I know.
62
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,431
I told you, it's made of concrete.
63
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,189
No, no, no. A-W flaw.
There is a flaw with the floor.
64
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,269
What flaw's that?
65
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,675
We haven't got any money for the floor.
66
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:36,917
There is that. None?
67
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,837
�1.83.
68
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,711
- I'll sell my watch.
- You've sold your watch.
69
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,355
Oh, yes, yes.
I'll sell my hair to a wig maker.
70
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,437
Better,
I'll sell your hair to a wig maker.
71
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,552
No, there are limits. I'm not going bald
for the bottom of a pigsty.
72
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,400
- Cup of coffee?
- Yes.
73
00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,673
The wheel of fortune seems to have got
stuck on Hard Luck, You Lose these days.
74
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,311
Oh, ta. Thanks very much.
75
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,431
Coffee, coffee.
76
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,871
(Whistles)
77
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,038
What... No, no, no.
We're not selling our records.
78
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,117
Why not? We've sold the record player.
79
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,476
I know that, but there's
a lot of sentimental value there.
80
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,034
Not that we're sentimental.
81
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,673
No.
82
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,679
- Ah, look.
- Oh, yeah. That one, yeah.
83
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,155
- Do you remember this?
- Yeah.
84
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:48,080
Yes, we used to do heavy breathing
to that in your mum's front room.
85
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,519
- Yes.
- Yeah. What have we got?
86
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,039
Haven't looked at these for...
87
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,356
We've got
all the Shostakovich symphonies here.
88
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,075
- Took us years to get those.
- Oh, look. Humphrey Lyttelton as a boy.
89
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,953
Oh, yeah. I bought you that
one Christmas, I think.
90
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,153
No, you didn't. It's got
Surbiton Record Library stamped on it.
91
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,158
Oh, yeah, well, I've been meaning
to take that back.
92
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,077
Since 1964?
93
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,476
Well, we couldn't afford
the fine now anyway.
94
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,477
Like looking through
a photograph album.
95
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,750
Yes, there are all sorts
of memories there.
96
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,440
- Sill...
- Still, we need that concrete.
97
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,711
And they're about the only things
we've got left worth selling.
98
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:24,751
(Sighs)
99
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,872
Apart from the goat.
100
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,710
- Margo?
(Alarm rings)
101
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,717
(Yells)
102
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,154
Oh.
103
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,349
(Alarm stops)
104
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,040
Good evening, Tom.
Good evening, Barbara.
105
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,957
- What happened? What did we do?
- Its a burglar alarm I've had fitted.
106
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,196
You broke an invisible beam.
107
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,675
- I can't see anything.
- You wouldn't, would you?
108
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,394
- Oh, no, no.
- I must telephone the police.
109
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,239
But there's no need, Margo.
You know who we are.
110
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,999
No, the alarm is directly linked.
111
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,078
I don't want them
sending out people unnecessarily.
112
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,112
Hello. Mrs Leadbetter speaking.
113
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,117
Yes, it did. But I'm terribly sorry,
it was a false alarm.
114
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,151
Could you recall your people?
115
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,399
What do you mean,
you haven't alerted a panda yet?
116
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,794
No, you listen to me.
117
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,798
What is the point of my investing
in a very expensive burglar alarm
118
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,150
if you're going to ignore it?
119
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,830
It was not only ten seconds ago.
It's been a good two minutes.
120
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,554
And you'll take that edge
out of your voice, whoever you are,
121
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:34,195
unless you want your bumblings
reported to the chief constable.
122
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,478
As a matter of fact, he is. Goodbye.
123
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,030
Wretch.
124
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,993
Float like a butterfly
and sting like a bee.
125
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,759
Well, why not?
I could be murdered in my bed by now.
126
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,509
- Waving that thing about?
- Oh, this doesn't work.
127
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,677
- I only wish it did.
- Why are you so security-conscious?
128
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,792
Because of the current rash
of burglaries. You must have heard.
129
00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,037
- No.
- Oh, no. Of course.
130
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,994
You're totally devoid of any normal
social contact these days, aren't you?
131
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,635
Well, we heard that the war was over.
We've heard that the Kaiser go beaten.
132
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,433
Several houses quite near to the avenue.
133
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,394
They'd have a rough time if they broke
into ours. Nothing left worth pinching.
134
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,317
No, that's true.
135
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:20,354
Oh, which brings us to our LPs.
Margo, we want to sell them.
136
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,391
Oh, dear. How much?
137
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,273
No, no, no, not you.
You've done enough for us already.
138
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,675
We thought possibly
someone from the music society.
139
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,518
Must be one of them that's musical.
140
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,790
One would have thought so.
141
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,071
But as they voted to do Sweet Charity
instead of The Merry Widow,
142
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,235
I have my doubts.
143
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,113
- Would you ask them, though?
- There's some good records there.
144
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,870
Of course. Though it pains me to see you
both sinking lower into the mire.
145
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,276
Blimey, we're not starving.
It's just going towards a new pigsty.
146
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,754
Tom, Barbara, listen to me.
147
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:58,110
No, I'm serious. Now, come on, admit it.
You are decaying, aren't you?
148
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:02,313
No, we're not.
We're just going through a bad patch.
149
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,953
Which is made all the more poignant
150
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,719
by the fact that our star
seems to be in the ascendant.
151
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,036
Jerry getting the managing directorship?
152
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,356
- Yes.
- Don't count your chickens, Margo.
153
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,279
Slimy Snetterton's still in the race,
wriggling away like mad.
154
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,438
Which is what Atlee did after the war
and we lost Churchill.
155
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,713
So be warned.
156
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:26,197
Couldn't happen. Andrew couldn't
possibly choose a man who is a deviate
157
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,311
with a suspect nose and gumboils.
158
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,037
At least you won't have
the embarrassment
159
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,991
of living next door
to a couple of scruffs.
160
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,190
- I expect you'll be off to Weybridge.
- Oh, no.
161
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,914
I used to hold Weybridge
in very high esteem.
162
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:42,157
- What's it done?
- Allowed pop stars to buy houses.
163
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,356
I'd sooner look over the fence
at your pigs
164
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,756
than at a pink-haired monstrosity
with high heels and acne.
165
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,515
(Door closes)
- Oh, there's Jerry now.
166
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,912
Ah.
167
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,156
Evening, Jerry. Any news?
168
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,874
Yes. I didn't get it.
169
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,870
Sir's taken Snetterton to dinner.
170
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,117
Well, that doesn't mean
that he's gonna get the job.
171
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,151
- Perhaps they were just hungry.
- Come on.
172
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,476
There's only one construction
you can put on that.
173
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:17,150
It's sir's last day, Black Friday, and
he chooses to take Snetterton to dinner.
174
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,589
- Then he's gone mad.
- Possibly.
175
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:20,789
Sue him.
176
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,757
You can't sue a man
for having a preference.
177
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:28,031
No, he's the managing director.
He's a very experienced man.
178
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,071
One must respect his decision.
179
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,550
Stupid, short-sighted old pillock.
180
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,671
(Clattering)
181
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,270
Good morning.
182
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,994
I've just about had enough of this.
183
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,439
I only said good morning.
184
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,671
Mice. We've got mice now.
185
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,109
Oh, no. How do you know?
186
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,834
I haven't been nibbling away
in the spare bedroom, have 1?
187
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,430
- We've got all our veg up there.
- I know. What's more, the mice know.
188
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,596
That's all we needed,
a mob of greedy rodents
189
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,278
taking the food out of our mouths.
190
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,993
- Never mind.
- Well.
191
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,031
Never mind.
192
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,795
4 Happy birthday J
193
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,431
That's another thing.
194
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,070
I'm older.
195
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,671
- Thanks, love.
- There's more.
196
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,473
Happy anniversary!
197
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:53,310
- Anniversary of what?
- All this. The founding of our empire.
198
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,920
Don't you remember?
It was two years ago on your birthday.
199
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,554
You woke me up in the middle
of the night with this crazy idea
200
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,398
about trying to become self-sufficient.
201
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,478
So it was. Shouldn't have listened
to me, should you?
202
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,194
- Yes.
- Empire. Margo's quite right.
203
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,551
- It's decaying all over the place.
- You are a fine birthday boy.
204
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:14,037
Well, look at us. If it's not the mice,
it's the only oil slick in Surbiton.
205
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,232
If it's not that, it's a dried-up goat,
and the sole's coming off your shoe.
206
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,556
- I mended it.
- Two years.
207
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,352
What happened to all our plans?
208
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,153
- Do you want a cake in your face?
- Well.
209
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,237
I'll tell you what happened
to all our plans.
210
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,954
We carried most of them out
and made most of them work.
211
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,957
We feed ourselves.
We keep ourselves warm.
212
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,994
We're not at anybody's beck and call. We
have almost learnt to do without money.
213
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,429
Only 'cause we haven't got any.
214
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,110
We didn't go into it to make a fortune.
We knew that from the start.
215
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,913
We just went in
to see what it was like being alive.
216
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,078
I know,
but when [ think of you sometimes...
217
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,431
Look, you'll get one of these
in each ear hole in a minute.
218
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,314
I'll tell you something, Tom Good.
219
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,829
These have been
the happiest two years of my life.
220
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:00,070
Really?
221
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,230
Truly.
222
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,800
- That's my doing, isn't it?
- That's better.
223
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,513
That's more like my bighead.
224
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,156
- Cake?
- Yeah.
225
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,874
I've got a better idea.
Jerry and Margo need cheering up.
226
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,309
We'll ask them over
and have cakes and champagne.
227
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,556
Lovely. Where are we going to get
the champagne?
228
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,240
Jerry's bringing it.
It's my birthday present.
229
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,031
How do you know that Jerry's getting you
champagne for your birthday?
230
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,832
I told him to.
231
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:39,155
Jerry, which do you prefer?
Wanton or irresponsible?
232
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,830
Wanton, I think.
233
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,038
Yes.
234
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:49,198
Wanton behaviour. Yes.
235
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,709
Who are you writing to, Miss Mountshaft?
236
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,479
No. It's to the Times, actually.
237
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,591
What are you writing to the Times about?
238
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:57,630
You.
239
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,713
- What?
- Listen.
240
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:07,912
'Sir, is it any wonder that British
industry is the lame dog of Europe
241
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,750
when so-called managing directors are
incapable of making rational decisions?
242
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,350
How can Great Britain become great again
243
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,917
when such wanton behaviour
and crass stupidity as..."
244
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,520
Then I'm going on to say
how Andrew didn't give you his job.
245
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,516
- That's libel.
- The truth is never libellous.
246
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,119
You are worth ten of Snetterton.
247
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:36,155
I must say, darling, I do appreciate
the way you're backing me up in this.
248
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,669
I'm your wife, Jerry.
249
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,711
Is hobbledehoy hyphenated?
250
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,559
Twice, probably. Margo.
251
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,238
Yes.
252
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,715
What would you say if I were to resign?
253
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,559
- Are you thinking of resigning?
- It has crossed my mind.
254
00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:00,355
I don't really like Snetterton.
In fact, I loathe him.
255
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,030
It'll stick in my craw
to have to call him sir.
256
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,275
I could call him cur.
257
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,676
I don't usually like puns, Jerry,
but that is brilliant.
258
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,790
It's a very big step, of course.
Might have to lower our sights a bit.
259
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,913
Jerry, if it meant
retaining our self-respect,
260
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,270
I would be willing
to start all over again,
261
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,311
even if it meant moving to Epsom.
262
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,757
Thank you, darling.
263
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,438
(Doorbell)
264
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,471
I'll go.
265
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,952
Now, riff-raff. Yes, that's good.
266
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,833
- Oh, it's you, sir. Come on in.
- Hello, Jerry.
267
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,554
It's Andrew, darling.
268
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,591
- Evening, Margo.
- Evening.
269
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,713
Well, I suppose I'm a bit of
a surprise packet, aren't 17
270
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,990
MARGO: That's one way of putting it.
271
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,190
You'd better sit down.
I'll get you a drink.
272
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,470
Oh, that's very civil of you, Jerry.
273
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:05,275
Yes, civility is a quality
that Jerry has never lacked.
274
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,355
Well, I had a very pleasant dinner
with Snetterton last night.
275
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,153
- Did you really?
- Yes, very pleasant.
276
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,158
Mostly business, of course.
Talked quite a lot about you, Jerry.
277
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,918
Yes, I imagine you would have done.
278
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,349
Thank you.
Do you want to know what I said?
279
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,959
You're obviously going to tell me.
280
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,436
If you think I'm going to jump through
hoops to hurry you up, you're mistaken.
281
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:26,709
Bravo, Jerry.
282
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,796
Hello, Margo.
283
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,400
Sorry to barge in,
but we thought we'd...
284
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,114
Oh. Sorry. You're busy.
We'll come back later.
285
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,073
No, no, no.
Dear Tom and Barbara, come in.
286
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,511
We're never to busy
to entertain real friends.
287
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,312
Sit down. I'll get you some good brandy.
288
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,352
- Come round to have a bit of a gloat?
- Never mince words, eh?
289
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,994
- I don't have to, mate.
- Neither do I. You're crackers.
290
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,874
- Oh, and the little woman too.
- Don't you patronise me.
291
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,800
Well, old Andy doesn't seem to be
the flavour of the month, does he?
292
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,990
Not unless this month's flavour is yuck.
293
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,312
- It's all over now, Tom.
- No, you carry on, Tom.
294
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,829
I was going to. I'll tell you one thing.
295
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,998
Choosing Snetterton was
the biggest clanger you've ever dropped.
296
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,030
- I didn't.
- You did.
297
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,755
What about serving roast suckling pig
to that trade delegation from Israel?
298
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,193
No, I mean I didn't choose Snetterton.
299
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,312
Then why did you take him
to dinner... sir?
300
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,390
Well, old softy, I suppose.
301
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,158
If you're gonna tell a chap he's lost,
302
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,510
you might as well soften the blow
with a decent meal.
303
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,233
Then...
304
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:47,593
Yes, Jerry.
You are JUM's new managing director.
305
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,074
Oh, Jerry!
306
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,911
Thank you very much indeed, Andrew.
307
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,553
You assume the crown
as to the manor born, Jerry.
308
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,955
Next stop the palace.
309
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,640
- My noble legion.
- Quiet, please.
310
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,116
Would it be indiscrete to ask what it
was that finally swayed your decision?
311
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,039
No, it was that format that you gave me
a couple of weeks ago.
312
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,514
Fine piece of work, that.
313
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,279
I like the fact that you did it
in your own time as well,
314
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,391
and you didn't use company paper.
315
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,199
Sorry I was a bit snappy, Andy.
316
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,914
Yes, Tom. You really must think
before you speak.
317
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,919
No, no, no.
Well, call it a fault if you like,
318
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,270
actually I find acrimony
quite entertaining.
319
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,312
Well, what are you going to do
now you've retired?
320
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,351
Take up all-in wrestling?
321
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,678
No. I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
322
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,797
And this is going to come as a shock
to all of you.
323
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,639
But I'm going to follow the example
of two young people
324
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,194
that I hold in the very highest esteem.
325
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,151
- Who?
- You two.
326
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:52,830
Us?
327
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:00,518
I've always said that you were one of
the wittiest men in London, Andrew.
328
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,949
- That is priceless.
- I'm quite serious.
329
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,510
No, I'm casting the mask aside now.
This is the real me talking.
330
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,552
I am going to try the old hand
at self-sufficiency.
331
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,989
I was right. You are crackers.
332
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,396
- Are you two crackers?
- Well, yes, but we admit it.
333
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,072
This appointment of mine,
it is official, isn't it?
334
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,680
- I mean, it has been confirmed?
- Yes, of course.
335
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,154
I know what you're thinking.
336
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,955
You're thinking the old warhorse has
pulled a hamstring in his last charge.
337
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,877
No, no. I'm in deadly earnest.
338
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,595
But, Andrew, it'll have the effect
of burning your social credentials.
339
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,870
Well, do Tim and Fatima
worry about that?
340
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,230
Well, no, but we hadn't very many
to start with.
341
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:43,195
Oh, no. No, I've come to realise
there's a lot of you two in me.
342
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:47,837
Yes, after all these... these years
in commerce, it's all so...
343
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,349
- Grubby?
- Basic.
344
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,789
The soil, the air, reproduction!
345
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,753
I'm not going to insulate myself
from reality any more.
346
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:59,430
I'm going to touch it every day.
That's where I'm going. Out there!
347
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,232
A free spirit at last!
348
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,271
(Alarm blares)
349
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,031
Burglar alarm.
350
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,471
Any chance of the good brandy now?
351
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,999
- Where was I?
- You were ringing the bells of freedom.
352
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,873
Oh, yes. Oh, yes! Very aptly put, Tim.
353
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:28,118
Excuse me a moment. Oh, hello, police.
Mrs Leadbetter speaking.
354
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,755
One assumes that you haven't got round
to sending out a pan...
355
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,078
Oh, you have. Oh, well,
in that case it was a false alarm.
356
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:42,513
Yes, again. My ideas are bucked up,
thank you very much.
357
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,155
And if it happens 50 times, the burden
of responsibility is still yours.
358
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,838
Goodbye.
359
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:48,870
I'm so sorry.
360
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,276
Andy, you're not really serious
about this?
361
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,789
- Totally, Tim.
- A lot of trouble with the neighbours.
362
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,116
Won't bother me. Cutting meself off.
363
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,436
I've bought a little place in Devon.
364
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,790
I've, uh, got
a photograph of it somewhere.
365
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,309
Oh, yes, there we are.
366
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,873
Good grief!
367
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,672
Viscount Plymouth's old place.
368
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:12,270
Just a manor house
and a couple of hundred acres.
369
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,709
You're really going to rough it,
aren't you?
370
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,831
Only 12 staff, you know.
371
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:17,950
All that overseeing.
372
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,037
Won't bother me. Buy meself a hack.
373
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,196
You sure you got the idea from us?
374
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,709
Yes, see one, play one.
375
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,071
From now on,
we are birds of a feather, we three.
376
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,111
Sons of the sod.
377
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,878
If you ever want to borrow a fork...
378
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,833
Thanks, Tim. Well, I must push now.
379
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,837
Ordered meself a new tractor and want
to see what the chap's given me.
380
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,110
Well, congratulations, Jerry,
and good luck.
381
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,913
Thank you, Andrew. Same to you.
382
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,952
Napoleon once said that every soldier
383
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,152
carries a marshal's baton
in his knapsack.
384
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,589
I want you to know, Margo,
385
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,837
that I've always thought of you
as Jerry's baton.
386
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,309
Thank you very much.
387
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:07,991
Barbara.
388
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:12,750
You called me Barbara. You've always
known my real name, haven't you?
389
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,473
Yes, sorry about that. Bit of a habit.
390
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,912
Call people by the wrong name, puts them
at a disadvantage. Old executive ploy.
391
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,989
Cheerio, Tim.
392
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,031
Cheerio, Fred.
393
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,270
Will you excuse me for a moment?
394
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,310
Whe-hey!
395
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,034
Jerry! That is no way
for a managing director to behave.
396
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:37,596
- But we're ever so pleased.
- Well done, mate!
397
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,314
Oh, I'm so excited.
I want to do something.
398
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,636
We'll go next door
and have a double celebration.
399
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,672
Oh, yes, it's your 78th birthday,
isn't it? Of course.
400
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,074
Oi, oil Sirl
401
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,478
- Haven't you forgotten something?
- Oh, yes, of course.
402
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,599
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, Jerry, you shouldn't have.
403
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,514
I say, I say.
Do you feel a conga coming on?
404
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,916
- I do. I definitely do.
- Oh, goody good. Come on, Margo.
405
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,759
- No, not in the avenue.
- Particularly in the avenue.
406
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,791
(Sing conga tune)
407
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,992
- Goon.
- Well, I can't.
408
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,031
Oh!
409
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,559
Line up, line up, line up.
410
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,591
(Sing conga tune)
411
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,191
(Singing continues)
412
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,671
MARGO: Oh, my dear God.
413
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,476
Oh... Tom.
414
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,157
The sort of people who do this
call the police pigs.
415
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,477
That's it, the police.
Margo, go and phone the police.
416
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,556
I'll... I'll go and have a look around.
417
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,551
Why us, Tom?
418
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:42,958
And why all this?
419
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,831
I don't know, love.
420
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,711
They're just maniacs.
421
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,358
Only a maniac would do this.
422
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,751
But it's our house.
423
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,111
I know.
424
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,074
The only one in the avenue without
anything worth pinching, so they...
425
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,269
I'll Kill them.
426
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,436
If they catch 'em and I find 'em,
I'll Kill 'em.
427
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,840
They've torn your birthday card.
428
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,990
Not much consolation, but they don't
seem to have touched anything else.
429
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,951
- Thanks, Jerry.
- Oh, well.
430
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,389
Won't have got the birthday cake, then.
431
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,670
- They've caught them.
- What?
432
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,552
The car that came to answer
my false alarm
433
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,194
caught them breaking into a house
further down the avenue.
434
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:52,594
Right.
435
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,837
- No, Tom. Don't.
- No.
436
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,439
I hope they throw the book at them.
437
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,313
If I had my way,
it would be 99 years plus.
438
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,479
Well, wouldn't put all this
back together again, would it?
439
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,309
No.
440
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,956
Now, listen to me, Tom.
You too, Barbara.
441
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,638
You've got to call it a day.
442
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,478
Nothings gone right for you lately,
and now this.
443
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,350
There's only one solution, Tom.
You've got to come back to work.
444
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:54,470
You can have your old job back again
tomorrow, I can promise you that.
445
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,073
Even if it's only just till
you get back on your feet again.
446
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,111
Please.
447
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,800
I know why Geraldine
isn't giving us any milk.
448
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,839
Why?
449
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,110
She needs to be mated again, that's why.
450
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,754
Yes, of course.
451
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,632
What made you think of that?
452
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,833
I don't know.
Just thinking about tomorrow, I suppose.
453
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,551
Well, now, who do we know
that's got a billy goat?
454
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,630
Old Andy. He'll have hundreds.
455
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,194
We'll get him to come and collect
Geraldine in the Rolls.
456
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,869
You can't. You just can't.
457
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,117
We can. She can sit in the back seat
and look out of the window.
458
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,356
What does it take
to make you people give up?
459
00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:11,273
I'll tell you, Jerry, they're gonna
have to knock down the house,
460
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,676
cart away the garden and then they're
gonna have to nail us both to the floor.
461
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:19,794
Yeah, anyway, this isn't our failure.
It's somebody's else's.
462
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:23,231
We can cope with our own failures.
We have one every other day.
463
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:28,069
- Well, I've only got one thing to say.
BARBARA: What?
464
00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:31,078
- Let's get out the glasses.
- Good idea.
465
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,230
(Cork pops)
466
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,113
I always said
that you two were foolhardy.
467
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,869
But, my word, if there were more people
with your spirit in this country,
468
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,911
we'd still have an empire.
469
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,232
We'll do that next year.
There you are, look at that.
470
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,317
We're on the way up already, you see?
471
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,431
Well, Jerry, here's to you.
472
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,074
Oh, no.
I've only become a managing director.
473
00:28:56,120 --> 00:29:00,512
You've just taken life by the throat
and throttled it to death.
474
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,437
I don't understand that.
475
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,956
No, neither do.
Still, I know what I mean.
476
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:10,391
Anyway, we're drinking to Tom
and Barbara and their bizarre life.
477
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,558
It may be bizarre, Jerry,
but it's a good life.
478
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,796
Yes, that's it, that's it.
479
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:17,399
Here's to the good life.
480
00:29:17,449 --> 00:29:21,999
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