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1
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,791
(Knock at door)
2
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,271
- Oh.
- Hello, Jerry.
3
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,311
It's you two. Hello.
4
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,958
Huh! It's a mirage.
5
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,435
Chips in newspaper in this house?
6
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:51,754
I like chips in newspaper.
7
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,077
- Margo's out, then?
- Yeah.
8
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,317
Music Society having another
of its summit conferences.
9
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,351
- Kissinger going?
- Should be.
10
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,789
- That's kind of you, Barbara.
- This isn't kind, this is swapsies.
11
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,672
We get a jar of coffee for those.
12
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,155
Would you like some?
Just about to have a cup myself.
13
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,679
Not out of our jar.
14
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,994
- Instant all right?
- Fine.
15
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,189
- I'm worried about you, Jerry.
- Why?
16
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:22,631
Chips in newspaper, instant coffee,
you're going to the dogs.
17
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,479
Yes, it's the second time in two weeks
you've come home early.
18
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,511
- There's a reason for that.
- Shellshock?
19
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:31,554
Promotion. Now it's official old sir's
going to retire, I want his job.
20
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,715
I don't follow.
21
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,435
We all know that Snetterton and myself
are the front runners for the job, right?
22
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,553
Ah, and you're planning an assassination.
Abomb in Snetterton's desk, but you're here.
23
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,591
- Alibi - clever.
- Shut up, Tom.
24
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:46,031
But how does you coming home early
put you a point up on Snetterton?
25
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,436
Well, he's making a great show
of putting in extra hours.
26
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,154
So I decided to prove I didn't need extra hours.
27
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,760
- A sort of reverse crawling.
- Exactly.
28
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,758
And you've got such an honest face as well.
29
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,071
Well, at least it's all my own.
30
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,909
There's a rumour that a few years ago
Snetterton had a nose job.
31
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,075
Because his original one made him look shifty.
32
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,872
(Laughter)
33
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,355
Yes, makes the Borgias
look like a really nice crowd.
34
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,791
- High stakes, Tom.
- Yes. Yes, indeed. You're so right, yes.
35
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,956
Sir-dom is not to be sneered at.
36
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,834
If I'd remained with the firm
I dare say I'd be up for the job myself.
37
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,349
If you think that you're really up the creek.
38
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,153
Whilst I think of it,
has Margo kept her newspapers for us?
39
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,111
Yes, they're over there.
40
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,118
- You going into the waste paper business?
- They're for the pigs.
41
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,709
A bit young for that sort of reading, aren't they?
42
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,479
Bedding. We've run of straw,
so we're using shredded paper.
43
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,636
You're not the only one with a business brain.
44
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,432
- (Door slams)
- Margo!
45
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,471
What?
46
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,599
In here, darling.
47
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,431
Oh. Good evening, Jerry.
48
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,071
- Barbara, Tom.
BOTH: Hello, Margo.
49
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,634
Did you manage to dig up anything
on Snetterton's nose?
50
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,150
- Nothing concrete.
- I thought you said it was plastic.
51
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:06,400
That's right, laugh. But if I get the dirt
on Snetterton's nose, could be my trump card.
52
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,638
- This conversation is getting bizarre.
- Margo, would you like some coffee?
53
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,751
No, not instant, thank you, Barbara.
54
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,312
I shouldn't worry, Jerry.
I'm confident you'll get the job.
55
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,715
- Oh, why?
- Because you're the better man.
56
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,037
Thank you, darling.
How did the Music Society meeting go?
57
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,879
I'd rather not talk about it, thank you.
58
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,870
- Howl detest anarchy.
- In the Music Society?
59
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,115
Yes.
60
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:37,472
We met to decide on our next production
and I was outvoted.
61
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,591
That's democracy.
62
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:44,077
Not when a certain faction rides roughshod
over artistic integrity.
63
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,557
- The Merry Widow is a fine show.
- What does this other faction want to do?
64
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,829
Sweet Charity.
65
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,874
- Well, that's a good show too.
- It's got a bit more "go" to it.
66
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:58,630
It doesn't have more "go" to it at all.
Sweet Charity is vulgar, debased and nasty.
67
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,671
- Oh, Margo!
- ltis.
68
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,872
How can it be anything else
when the heroine is a dancehall hostess
69
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,638
who is little more than a common tart?
70
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:10,669
We saw the film, I thought it was touching.
Granted, Charity had put it about a bit.
71
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:16,113
There you are. You see the coarseness
that the very mention of the show engenders.
72
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,955
You say it's only a faction that wants to do this.
Couldn't you rally the opposition?
73
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,399
- Why not?
74
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,636
Because I am the only one who opposed it.
75
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,595
Rather a big faction, isn't it?
76
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,359
The TUC is a big faction
and you know what I think of them.
77
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,118
- Who's going to play Charity, Margo?
- They want me to, of course.
78
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,191
I thought you'd find that funny.
79
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,800
I think you should, darling. A leads a lead.
80
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,751
Yes, you'd be terrific.
81
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,111
You're the only soprano they've got
with a figure to play a girl like that.
82
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,039
- I don't want to play "a girl like that".
- It's only pretend.
83
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,309
It's smut.
84
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,037
- Well, then, clean it up a bit.
- How?
85
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,038
Well, let's see.
Charity works in a dancehall, doesn't she?
86
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,559
A so-called dancehall, yes.
87
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,911
All right, so what about making her
a ballroom-dancing teacher?
88
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,280
Goon.
89
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,436
Blimey, that's wholesome enough, isn't it?
90
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,120
Yes, but she's ashamed
of what she does in the original,
91
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,231
that's why she tells a chap she works in a bank.
92
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:16,672
Yeah, well, she'd be ashamed that
the dancing school charge enormous prices.
93
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,997
Instead of confessing that she put it about a bit -
sorry, Margo -
94
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:24,477
she could confess that she had had a
mild flirtation with a torrid tango teacher.
95
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,956
And then the chap forgives her
and they tango off into the sunset.
96
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,355
To start a new life
as missionaries in New Guinea.
97
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,674
(Chuckles)
98
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,597
You're making fun, aren't you?
99
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,798
- Alittle bit.
- Aren't you taking it a little bit seriously?
100
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,070
- No, I don't.
- What was that vote?
101
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,474
68101.
102
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,000
I do wonder, though,
103
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:49,671
whether some judicious pruning might not erase
the more unwholesome aspects of the show.
104
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,951
Margo, if you take out the unwholesome aspects
you haven't got a show.
105
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:57,278
Anyway, can you do that sort of thing? Might not
the people who wrote it have something to say?
106
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,517
- Neil Simon wrote the film, didn't he?
- I didn't know you were a film buff,
107
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,279
No, I'm not. I enjoyed it
and happened to notice the credits.
108
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,439
Did you notice the credits because Shirley
MacLaine flashed her legs all through them?
109
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,957
That may have had something to do with it.
110
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,436
I'm a leg man myself.
I remember Cyd Charisse...
111
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,756
- I'm going to start dinner now.
- Yes...
112
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,479
Yes, and we've got the pigs to clean out.
Come on, leg-fancier.
113
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,511
Oh, all right. All right.
114
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,273
You could play Sweet Charity, you know.
You've got the wiggle.
115
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,311
Might have to if Margo won't.
116
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,830
Well, you can see her problem, can't you?
What would the neighbours say?
117
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,759
- What would Mrs Weaver say?
- Not much. She's left.
118
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,276
Has she? That was quick. When?
119
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:45,439
- About two weeks ago.
- Oh, I thought it had gone a bit quiet.
120
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,754
- (Squawking)
- Lenin, don't be disgusting.
121
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,357
I say,
the oil tank for her central heating is still half full.
122
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,996
There must be 200 gallons still in there.
123
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,276
- (Grunts)
- Goon.
124
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,391
Hey, big spender?
125
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:24,629
- What?
- Spend a little time with me.
126
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,152
Lucky everyone takes the posh papers
round here.
127
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,113
They're so much bigger than the ones
that sell more copies.
128
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,599
Yeah.
129
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,598
Mind you, we can buy some straw
when we sell our next pig.
130
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:43,631
Yeah.
131
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,232
Won't be for some time yet, though.
132
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,712
No.
133
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:54,229
In the meantime,
I've just torn the French ambassador in half.
134
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,032
No.
135
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,792
You're going to have the pattern off that plate
in a minute.
136
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,831
What? Oh! (Chuckles)
137
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,431
Yes... No.. I've er...
138
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,318
- I've just been thinking, actually.
- I gathered that.
139
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,998
- And I've had an idea.
- I hope so.
140
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,749
- You've been standing there for over an hour.
- Now, listen, love.
141
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,711
Thanks.
142
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,191
Oh. Sorry.
143
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,511
That's an oven glove.
144
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,158
Oh. Sorry.
145
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,391
That's a tea towel. Oh, never mind.
146
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,192
We better get this idea talked about.
147
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,517
You'll be sticking me in the range
and going to bed with a log.
148
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,551
What? Oh, yes. Yes.
149
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,231
Just a sec.
150
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,031
Now, then.
151
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,469
Could you just stop doing that for a minute?
152
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,796
Now, look... Just put... Look, leave...
153
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,911
Just now... Leave... leave it alone.
154
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,713
No. Would you put it down? Put it down!
155
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,553
Do you mind moving up?
I'm practically in the range.
156
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,076
- Now, listen. Are you listening?
- Yes.
157
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:14,478
Well, it's that oil in Mrs Weaver's tank, you see.
158
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:18,195
- What about it?
- Well, must be worth quite a lot of money.
159
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,278
I mean, say, 200 gallons, well...
160
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,391
- What's that worth these days?
- No idea.
161
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,080
Well... about a hundred pounds at least.
162
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,394
Yes. So?
163
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,236
- It's just lying there.
- There's not much else oil can do, is there?
164
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,039
Then I got to thinking about Mr Greaves,
you know, the farmer we got our wool from.
165
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,310
Have you been inhaling creosote again?
166
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,793
Seriously.
167
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,913
Mr Greaves uses oil-fired central heating
for his calves.
168
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:52,272
Now I reckon he'd happily swap
some nice bales of straw for 200 gallons of oil.
169
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,755
- Quite a lot of straw, in fact.
- Tom!
170
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,038
Well, it's just lying there.
171
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,640
Mrs Weaver didn't want it
or she'd have taken it with her.
172
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,069
Well, of course she didn't take it with her.
173
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,397
I don't suppose removal firms are equipped
with tankers.
174
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,711
So whose is it then?
175
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,152
Well, it isn't ours.
176
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,471
It would be if we siphoned it off.
177
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,593
You spiv!
178
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,554
What do you mean "spiv"?
179
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,195
Well, you'll be getting a camel-haired coat
and a black trilby next.
180
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,155
What are you going to do,
stand in the corner and say,
181
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,477
"Psst! Want to buy some oil
that fell off the back of a lorry?"
182
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:37,673
I told you what I'd use it for - as an honest swap
for something that we need.
183
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:42,476
You can't have an honest swap
if you've stolen the oil in the first place.
184
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,239
- I don't like the word stolen.
- What would you call it?
185
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:47,750
Acquired.
186
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,509
But that's like saying fibber instead of liar,
it's the same thing.
187
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,358
- It isn't.
- How?
188
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,437
They're spelt differently.
189
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,154
You can't steal something
that doesn't belong to anybody.
190
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,077
You don't know that.
191
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,157
- Do.
- You think you do.
192
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,077
- Yes, I think I do.
- You want to think you do.
193
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,431
All right, I want to...
No, that isn't it at all. It's obvious.
194
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:12,395
Yes, it is obvious to someone's who's just
dismissed stealing and fencing all in one go.
195
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:16,035
Why not pop up to her roof
and have the lead off it, while you're at it?
196
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,959
- You're very irrational sometimes.
- No, I'm not.
197
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,550
I just don't believe in stealing by finding
and neither do you.
198
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,477
But if we siphoned it off at night,
no-one would ever know.
199
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,838
We'd know.
200
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,793
- It's like living with George Washington.
- I'm right, though.
201
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:38,231
- Listen, we could use some straw.
- I know we could!
202
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,556
All right, then, you think of something.
203
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,591
Go on, go on. Huh!
204
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,791
All right.
205
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,549
- An early night?
- Oh, come off it
206
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,910
I'm not being distracted by that old ploy.
207
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,269
Mind you, I do have to get up early tomorrow.
208
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,871
(Whistles)
209
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,231
Oh!
210
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:16,229
MARGO: Thank you very much.
- (Door closes)
211
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:28,316
- Early caller?
- An emissary from the Music Society.
212
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:32,240
Miss Mountshaft's brother-in-law
with the steel plate in his head.
213
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,031
What did he want? Some metal polish?
214
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:40,830
No.
215
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,760
Having successfully proved
to be the Society's most inept producer,
216
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,589
he is now trying to show an equal non-flair
as our costume designer.
217
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,356
"I thought you should be the first to see
our costume designs, Mrs Leadbetter,
218
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:57,280
as we already think of you
as our own Sweet Charity." Little sycophant.
219
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,629
And worse. A deviate.
220
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,876
- What's he drawn?
- See for yourself.
221
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,758
Hm. They're all right.
Not very well drawn, but all right.
222
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,397
All right? Costumes like these are fit only
for some back alley, striptease club.
223
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,720
- They're just dresses.
- Call those dresses?
224
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,479
Slits and frills and plunging necklines?
225
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,755
Dustbin designs. And from a dustbin mind.
226
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,949
It's that steel plate. It's making him funny.
227
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,631
Give the man a chance,
they're for Sweet Charity after all.
228
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:36,674
You can't have the girls going about in
the nuns' habits left over from Sound Of Music.
229
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,030
They were supposed to persuade me
to play the lead.
230
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,594
- And [ think you should, darling.
- Why?
231
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,519
You're not a "buried in the back row
of the chorus" sort of person.
232
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,392
That is true.
233
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,910
The fact remains that I disapprove of us
doing the show at all.
234
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,112
And these aberrations
have confirmed my worst suspicions.
235
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,232
- Well, don't do it, then.
- That's easy for you to say.
236
00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:00,035
You haven't poured the hours of sheer
hard labour into the Society that I have.
237
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,718
I'll admit that, yes.
238
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:06,038
And if my reward is being asked to prance
around on the stage of the town hall,
239
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,799
wearing red sequins and black stockings...
240
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:15,829
Black stockings.
241
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,479
- What do you mean?
- Nothing.
242
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,191
Why did you say black stockings
with that moon-faced expression?
243
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,472
- I happen to like black stockings, that's all.
- I see.
244
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:31,718
And you have some fantasy about wanting to
see your wife dance about in them
245
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,080
in front of half of Surbiton.
246
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,556
- Of course I haven't.
- Playing the tart. That is sinister, Jerry.
247
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,238
Oh, for heaven's sake.
248
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,079
Look, I don't give a damn
whether you have this part or not.
249
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:45,159
All I said in all innocence was
I happen to like stockings. All right?
250
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,719
Why have you never mentioned
this fetish before?
251
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,751
Itisn't a fetish.
252
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:55,953
Heaven's sake you used to wear them yourself
before the advent of these awful tights.
253
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,072
No, well, you don't often talk about
that sort of thing.
254
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,836
And just as well if that's the sort of thing
those discussions would produce.
255
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,751
See you tonight, darling.
256
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,916
I think you ought to see a doctor, Jerry.
257
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,712
I think you're in grave danger
of becoming some sort of pervert.
258
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:25,390
Of course we discussed it sensibly. Then I called
Jerry a pervert and he went to work.
259
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,874
I don't blame him.
260
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,231
Well, perhaps the word was excessive, Barbara,
but I was shocked.
261
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,076
Why?
262
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,191
Well, I mean...
263
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,799
What? What do you mean?
264
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,353
Well, isn't it obvious?
265
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,794
No. All you've told me so far
is Jerry likes stockings.
266
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,433
That's no news. Most men do.
267
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,959
How do you know?
268
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,833
Come on, Margo. We all know.
269
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,838
We took to tights because
they're more comfortable, practical,
270
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,440
but we all know blokes think stockings sexier.
271
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,710
- We're the ones who have to wear them.
- They'd look silly in them, wouldn't they?
272
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,399
Honestly, I don't know what
you're in such a state about.
273
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:04,399
You're not going to tell me you've never worn
something because Jerry fancies you in it?
274
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:05,919
Yes.
275
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:07,959
No.
276
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,437
- I may have.
- Good.
277
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,994
But stockings, they have overtones.
278
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,031
Oh, rubbish!
279
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:20,154
I mean, I could understand it if he wanted you to
wear a diver's helmet or a suit of armour.
280
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,474
Barbara!
281
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,636
Anyway, Margo, you're missing the point.
282
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:28,993
If your husband fancies you in something
that's nice. That's a compliment.
283
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,758
I mean, Tom...
284
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:31,790
Yes?
285
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,511
Never mind. I think...
286
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:39,269
If you take my advice, what you will do
the next time you go shopping
287
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,879
is buy a pair of black stockings.
288
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,637
I'm beginning to think the world has gone mad.
289
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,557
Well, you did ask me.
290
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,111
I know, but what if Jerry...
291
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,596
Margo, I have said my piece for what it's worth.
There's an awful lot to do.
292
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,029
If you don't mind,
I've got to put something on for Tom.
293
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,718
- What?
- Nettles?
294
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,913
I'm making some more dye.
So if you don't mind...
295
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,792
Oh, yes. Of course.
296
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,431
- Have a think.
- Yes.
297
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,557
Ah, hello, Margo. You look nice.
298
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,910
You've got one-track minds, haven't you?
299
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,591
What was all that about?
300
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,996
Ah. Margo didn't approve
of the costume designs for the show.
301
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,633
I'm not surprised.
302
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,557
She'd win the Prude of the Year Award.
303
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:25,877
True.
304
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,797
- I bet she does it, though.
- Does what?
305
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,549
Plays the lead. She might be bristling
with principles about something she equates
306
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,352
with appearing at Raymond's Revue Bar,
307
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,951
but if it's a choice between that and her being
the star her principles will go out of the window.
308
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,320
I don't know.
309
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,351
Well, I do, and I'm always right.
310
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,309
Well, there is that.
311
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,714
Do you want anything
because I've got this dyeing to do?
312
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,511
Yes, there is something. That oil.
313
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,995
Oh, Tom, I thought we'd settled that.
314
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,236
- We had, but there's been a development.
- What?
315
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,590
Some filthy swine has been pinching it.
316
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,080
- How do you know?
- I've just been to check the gauges...
317
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,077
It's nearly half gone. It's halfway down.
318
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,875
- Well, who could that be?
- I don't know. But I think it's disgusting.
319
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,873
You were all ready to pinch the stuff yourself
last night.
320
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,992
That's different. I had a worthwhile motive.
The care of our pigs.
321
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,317
I suppose whoever else is pinching it
has got a worthwhile motive.
322
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,318
- They're hardly likely to drink it.
- They're not getting any more!
323
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,316
Why?
324
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,751
- Because we are.
- Oh, you can justify that now, of course!
325
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,714
Yes, I can. What's sauce for the goose
is... is... gander for the other.
326
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:34,154
Why should we sit about being all fine and good
when someone else is pinching the stuff?
327
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,477
Boy, when you go blind in one eye,
you really go blind in one eye.
328
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:38,316
What?
329
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:43,070
Well, honestly, you have the cheek to talk about
Margo compromising her principles
330
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:44,758
and you are doing the same thing.
331
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,511
What...?
332
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,556
(Sighs)
333
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,520
You certainly know how to hit below the belt,
don't you?
334
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,153
Only when you're wrong.
335
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,271
Which isn't very often.
336
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,913
You little rat.
337
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,909
It is a shame, though.
Could have used that straw.
338
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:14,995
I know.
339
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:22,518
And if that oil doesn't actually have an owner...?
340
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,514
I mean, it's not included
in the price of the house.
341
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,031
The devil is at your elbow, my child.
342
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,591
If only we could be sure.
343
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,793
- You aren't half thick.
- Why?
344
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,514
Because you didn't think of
the obvious thing to do.
345
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,790
Neither did you if it's only just occurred to you.
346
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,636
All right. Now, listen.
347
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:53,197
It's obvious. We simply phone Mrs Weaver
later on and ask her about the oil.
348
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,038
Margo's bound to have her new number.
349
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,150
Brilliant.
350
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,634
Quite.
351
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:04,318
And if that oil is going spare,
and somebody else is pinching it,
352
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,351
I'm going to be out there with a pitchfork.
353
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,792
- Pitchfork's no good, you know.
- Why?
354
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,231
You can't lift oil with a pitchfork.
355
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,113
What are you doing with nettles?
356
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,151
Oh, no. No, no. Now, now...
357
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,071
Ow! That hurt!
358
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,950
You hadn't been waiting long, had you?
Just been out doing a little shopping.
359
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,435
Now, the thing is, Margo.
May we use your telephone?
360
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,994
- Yes, of course.
- Have you got Mrs Weaver's new number?
361
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,600
Yes, I have. She's Esher now.
362
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,151
- Nice, Esher.
- Yes.
363
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,874
- There is the racecourse, of course.
- Of course.
364
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,517
- Here we are.
- Ta.
365
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,551
- No, I have a proviso.
- What?
366
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,113
This telephone call,
367
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:54,677
it hasn't anything to do with organising waste
paper or manure collections in Esher, has it?
368
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,394
- Nothing at all.
- Oh, good.
369
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,511
You see,
Mrs Weaver was a very good neighbour
370
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,951
and I wouldn't want you to turn her into
a social pariah at one stroke.
371
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,072
No, we only want to ask her if she wants
the rest of the oil in her tank.
372
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:09,795
Oh, I see. If not, you could use it on your range
or something.
373
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,717
Something like that, yes.
374
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,115
- Well, in that case...
- Ah, thanks.
375
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,915
We could have helped ourselves of course,
but we couldn't do that.
376
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,998
- Oh, of course not.
- One does have principles.
377
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,713
Indeed one does.
378
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,630
And sometimes one has to make sacrifices
to hold fast to them.
379
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,671
One does, one certainly does.
380
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,917
Yes, so you see,
if Mrs Weaver says we can't have the oil,
381
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,110
one is just going to grin and bear it.
382
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,480
Isn't one?
383
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,759
Of course one is.
One has just said so, hasn't one?
384
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,955
Nevertheless, one sometimes feels...
385
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,152
I'm not going to play Charity, you know.
386
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,711
- Eh?
387
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,840
I've thought and thought about it,
but the fact remains,
388
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,633
I disapprove of the subject
and I cannot be a part of it.
389
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,796
Oh, they'll protest, I know they will.
390
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,390
I would too, at the thought of Miss Hopper
having to play the lead.
391
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,795
She's never lost that limp, you know.
392
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,912
Oh, well,
Full marks for sticking to your guns, Margo.
393
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,634
- Thank you.
- I think you're crackers, but full marks.
394
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,717
Well, er... what part are you playing, Margo?
395
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:13,511
None.
396
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,234
- Not even prompter?
- Certainly not prompter.
397
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,080
- No, I'll make it quite clear where I stand.
- A long way away.
398
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:24,511
Exactly. And the others can get on with it
and I wish them well.
399
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,029
And [ hope it's the total disaster
it deserves to be.
400
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,993
But, Margo, turning down the lead.
401
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,351
The first night, your name in lights.
Well, paint. I can't believe it.
402
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,791
You should do, Tom.
We were just talking about principles.
403
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:40,435
Oh, yes. Of course we were.
You're absolutely right, Margo. Of course.
404
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,471
I'll go and phone Mrs Weaver.
405
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,716
There are not too many of us left,
you know, Margo.
406
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,029
- Oh, well, there's always the next production.
- I'd set my heart on The Merry Widow.
407
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,469
Never mind.
408
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:04,276
Oh, well, Jerry will be home in a moment.
I really had better start preparing dinner.
409
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,072
Oh, erm, pass me my basket, will you?
410
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,111
Oh, yes. Of course.
411
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,271
- Margo?
- What?
412
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,952
- You've got some black stockings.
- Oh, give me that.
413
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,839
If you're not going to play Sweet Charity, that...
414
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,599
- I just thought they'd go with my black dress.
- Really?
415
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,631
Yes, I must start dinner.
416
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:37,190
Good old, Mrs Weaver. What a nice woman.
Good old wealthy Mrs Weaver.
417
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:38,560
- She said yes?
- Yes.
418
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,955
It's not on the price of the house,
she doesn't want it.
419
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,958
- No more pigs getting covered in print.
- When do we siphon it off?
420
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,755
- First thing tomorrow morning.
- What if that unprincipled chap comes back?
421
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,791
- Good thinking.
- We'll do it now.
422
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:53,158
Hello.
423
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,714
- Margo!
- Good evening, Jerry.
424
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,956
At least she's still speaking to me.
425
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,957
- Bad day?
- Disaster.
426
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,880
- London Bridge?
- No. Snetterton's nose.
427
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,071
It's genuine.
428
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,670
Oh, nose!
429
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:16,794
It's no laughing matter. As if that wasn't enough,
he definitely went one up at lunch time.
430
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,912
I thought I'd score, you see,
by ordering a decent bottle of claret.
431
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,678
- Sir likes claret.
- Good move.
432
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,918
That's what I thought. Then that swine
Snetterton would only drink mineral water.
433
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,600
Because he likes to keep his head clear
for the afternoon.
434
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:32,315
- This campaign is getting dirty.
- It will get dirtier. I'll see to that.
435
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:38,110
- Anyone else in a sorrow-drowning mood?
- No, thanks. We have work to do. See you later.
436
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:44,758
Never mind, Jerry. I have a feeling the evening
is definitely going to get better as it goes on.
437
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,279
Why?
438
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,550
Well, never mind, I just have.
439
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,271
Jenry!
440
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,831
(Engine running)
441
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,799
OK, Fatima, let's go into the oil business.
442
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,631
Right.
443
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,111
- Tube.
- Tube.
444
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,351
Right.
445
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:47,070
This is the one part of siphoning
I definitely do not like.
446
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,231
Do you want me to do it?
447
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,111
- Yes.
- I shan't.
448
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,071
Thanks.
449
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,752
Nothings happening.
450
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,074
Suck harder.
451
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,111
I have.
452
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,911
Wait a minute.
453
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,276
The tank's empty! Somebody's had it!
454
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,709
How? We've been here all day.
455
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,155
Well, oil doesn't just walk away by itself, does it?
Get the tube.
456
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,278
Have you got it? Take it.
457
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:37,515
- Got it?
- Mm.
458
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,358
Right.
459
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,593
Uh... Oh!
460
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:46,759
- Tom, honestly!
- Its all right. I'll climb down this way now.
461
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,431
Oh!
462
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,397
(Whirring)
463
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,791
(Motor starts)
464
00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,351
(Revs motor)
465
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,351
Now's what's the matter?
466
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,319
- We seem to be sinking.
- What?
467
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,031
(Motor off)
468
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,071
We seem to be sinking.
469
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:46,398
Nobody stole any oil at all. I's draining away!
The stupid tank sprung a leak.
470
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,837
- What a shame.
- Shame?
471
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,555
It's more than a shame. It's leaked into the soil.
It will ruin it!
472
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,877
Perhaps it's just a patch.
473
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:02,837
Look, it's firm enough here.
474
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,029
See?
475
00:28:04,079 --> 00:28:08,629
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