All language subtitles for The Good Life s04e01 Away From It All.eng

Come on. What's the matter with you,
blasted boot?

Come on. (Mutters)

Ah!

Hello.

Hello.

- Do you want to see something funny?
- Yes.

- Something really funny, hysterical?
- Yes.

Then I'll show it to you.

- What is it?
- Itis a fully-grown carrot from our allotment.

It's not very big, is it?

I'm glad you noticed that
because it's crucial to what follows.

A full-grown potato from our allotment.

- Oh.
- There's more.

A full-grown cabbage from our allotment.

Are you sure it's not just a big Brussels sprout?

No, I didn't bring any sprouts.
They were too small to find.

Why? What's gone wrong?

The British way of life, that's what's gone wrong.

First they change the money,
then the counties, then the feet and inches.

And now we're getting sun in the summertime!

Whatever happened to good old English rain?

They can't all be as small as this, surely?

Oh, no, no.
There's smaller ones than that up there.

Mind you, the harvest will be easy.

Just fill a couple of shoeboxes with wizened
vegetables and that's us set up for another year.

There's no point in getting sloshed, is there?

No, you're quite right.

But I tell you, seriously, there's just enough
to feed the two of us, barely.

- We can forget any surplus.
- Oh, dear.

I don't know what it is with us.

Harvest and disasters seem synonymous
with us.

We got flooded out
and now we've been scorched out.

It's not fair. All that work just for this.

Sometimes it hardly seems worth it, does it?

Well, come on, woman, earn your keep.
Cheer hubby up.

We're having dinner with
Margo and Jerry tonight.

Oh, yeah.

I don't feel much like it either. Still...

Still, at least Margo's petite pois
are supposed to be under-sized.

Well, we'd better get ready.

- I'll just start off the mushrooms.
- They'll probably come up as toadstools.

Well, never mind.

If we have to sell the house
we can always live in one.

I'll just pop them down the cellar.

You're enough to make Sir Walter Raleigh
turn in his grave.

What about the leeks?
We've always been lucky with leeks.

That's not a leek. That's a dribble.

Well...

Yes?

Nothing, really.

Oh.

I saw something this morning
that'd interest you two.

Did you, Jerry? What was that?

They've opened a new shop in the high street.
Agricultural implements.

But not for sale, for hire.

Have they?

Isn't that interesting?
That is interesting, isn't it, Barbara?

Yes.

(Mouths)

- What?
- Er, nothing.

(Giggles)

- You two are very quiet.
- Oh, are we? Sorry.

Yes, come along.
We have such arich language. Let's use it.

All right, then.

Er..

I've finished.

- I've finished as well.
- Have you finished, Jerry?

- Yes, thank you, darling.
- And I've finished too.

It is a rich language, isn't it?

I'll get the coffee.

I'll get some liqueurs.

Well, now. Brandy, whisky?

Port, sambuca?

- Turps?
- Please.

Please.

How many eggs have you been getting
from your chickens lately?

- About two dozen.
- I collected 22 this morning.

- - That is about two dozen, isn't it?
- If you want to be precise, no, it isn't.

I was not being precise.
I said "about two dozen".

Why are you making a big issue out of it?

- You're the one making an issue...
- Hey, hey, hey.

- What?
- Now, come on. What is the matter?

You've been sitting there all evening
like a pair of undertakers.

Now you're bickering.

You two just do not bicker.
We're the ones who bicker.

I shall overlook that insidious assault
on my character, Jerry.

It has to be said, you are not yourselves.

Come on. What is it?

You know every cloud has a silver lining?

- Yes.
- At the moment, ours hasn't.

It's money, isn't it?
Chequebook, Jerry.

No, Margo, it isn't money.
We're suffering from a disease going round.

It's called life.

Oh, I understand.

If that man could have seen your poor little face
as you said that,

even he may have had the decency to resign.

- Who?
- Callaghan, of course. It's obviously his fault.

- No, it isn't.
- Who else's can it be?

It's just circumstances
have got a bit on top of us.

I know what you two want. A break.

Oh, good idea. We've got 58p.
We'll have a couple of weeks in Acapulco.

I meant something like a long weekend.

59p wouldn't buy us a long five minutes.

- I've already offered you my chequebook.
- Mine, actually.

Whoever's it is, thank you, but no.

- Of course!
- What of course?

I have just had a brilliant idea.

I know of a very nice penthouse flat in Mayfair

that you two could use absolutely free.

Oh, do you?
You haven't told me of any such flat.

- It's Robert's.
- Oh, I'm sorry. You have told me about it.

It belongs to a friend of ours.

He's gone to Tehran
and there's an open invitation for us to use it.

If we come up to town and see a show,
don't feel like driving back,

or for friends of ours to use it.

You're friends - use it! Get away from it all.

Away from it all in Mayfair?

Normal people get away from it all
in a remote cottage in Norfolk,

but you're not normal people.

- Thanks, Jerry.
- You know what I mean.

You don't want to get back to nature,
you want to get away from it.

Soft living, all mod cons,
push button controls, colour telly.

- Decadence.
- Hedonism.

- Self-indulgence.
- Laziness.

- Sloth.
- There are black silk sheets on the bed.

- Filth.
- Tom.

Sorry.

- What about it?
- We can't go.

Oh, come on. Why not?

We've got clever chickens
but they've yet to learn to milk the goat.

Then there's all the feeding.

Just leave them enough for three days.

Margo!

You can't put a lot of food down
in front of our animals. They'd scoff the lot.

They're not interested in planning it as
breakfast, lunch and dinner for three days.

Stupid beasts.

What about the Yellow Pages?

There must be a renta-swineherd outfit
or something.

Do you want to look or shall I?

Yes, you're probably right.

I should have thought the solution was obvious.

Jerry and I will look after things.

- You?
- Yes.

Margo, that would be like asking Pavlova
to play rugby league.

It's a well-known fact that you and animals
are not over-simpatico.

I know, but my thoughts have flown elsewhere.

They have flown to a flotilla of little ships

making their way down the Thames estuary
and out to sea.

How many have you had?

I am talking about Dunkirk, Jerry.

My point is that the men sailing
those brave little ships didn't want to go

any more than I want to play about with
grubby animals.

But those soldiers were on the beaches
and the ships went.

You are those soldiers.

- Are we?
- Yes. Battle weary.

Near to exhaustion, in need of rescue.

I think it's about time
Jerry and [ slipped our moorings.

Margo, I'm sorry.

It's a smashing offer
but it's just the frightful way you put it.

"Slip our moorings."

You've got them laughing for the first time.

- Yes, I suppose I have.
- May I say something?

Certainly, Tom.

Well, should you collect any barnacles,
going across the Channel...

...may I volunteer to scrape your bottom?

Is that it?

Yes.

More coffee?

Come on, you two.

It's taken you three weeks to decide to go,
now go!

We're nearly ready.
You have got those few notes, haven't you?

Yes, I have. I'm thinking of having them bound
in three volumes.

- Right, keys.
- Oh, yes.

- So you won't lose them.
- Thank you.

Ah, Jerry, good man.
I think this should simplify things for you.

- Oh, my god.
- Bear with me.

This is a graphic representation of those notes
Barbara gave you.

- They're in your hand.
- So they are.

Now, come over here, will you?

Make yourself comfortable
and try and concentrate.

Now, then, once you understand the key to this,
it's perfectly simple.

It all depends on colour-coding.

Whereas these notes go under headings
and sub-headings.

- Do they?
- Concentrate. I'm only going to do this once.

Now...

Red is for the pigs,

yellow is for the chickens,

and blue is for the goat.

- Now, take red.
- That's pigs.

Very good. Very good, indeed.

Now, you come along your red line like this,

all the way along the little red line, all right,

until there's an entry point
represented by vertical lines.

You come down here
and this denotes time of feed.

Where you've written: Time of feed?

Right! Right

Now, now we come to chickens,

represented by...

(Childlike) The yellow line.

Very good. Very good.

Now, just to convince me
that you've really grasped all this,

I want you to do the next one all by yourself.

Really? Right.

- He broke my board.
- Go!

We're only trying to simplify things.

It's simple enough even for me.

You're leaving a few animals for three days,
not handing over the Serengeti game reserve.

- Sorry, Jerry.
- I'm not a child you know.

No, I know you're not. You'd better tuck those
away or you'll get caught on something.

- Are those keys colour-coded?
- No.

- Better see to that.
- Get off!

Get into my car and go!

Now, there's the car.

Food's in the back, key's in the ignition.

Not colour-coded.

Get in and get out of my life.

You are lovely, Jerry.

You are lovely, Jerry.

Did we say goodbye, Barbara?

Don't forget to ask Margo to talk to the chickens
while she's feeding them. They do like it.

I won't forget.

I can't vouch for the content of the conversation.

There is Margo.

I thought you were going at nine o'clock.
It's now 11:30.

Just one or two thousand last little worries.

Oh, really.
Anyone would think we were incapable.

Get off to Mayfair.
Have a lovely restful weekend.

We're on our way. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Jerry, did I mention...
- Yes.

- We're on our way.
- Bye.

Bye.

Thank goodness.

- Are those all new?
- Yes.

- For three days?
- Yes.

- How much?
- I don't know. 70-something.

- For three days?
- Yes.

What happens to them afterwards?

It's obvious. I give them to the needy.

- We'll be in Mayfair if you want us.
- There's the address.

I gave you the address!

- Sorry, Jerry.
- Sorry, Jerry.

(Mouths)

TV: & Theme tune from Kojak

(TV off)

So that was Kojak, eh?

We've never seen him before, have we?

No.

I wondered why the postman kept saying
"Who loves ya, baby?" all the time.

Yes, he used to say it to me as well.

I took it the wrong way at first,
but now I see it's definitely bisexual,

because Kojak says it
to the fat little curly one as well.

He says it to everybody.

- It's a funny thing to go around saying.
- Yeah.

All the commercial have changed as well.

- The news hasn't.
- No.

Pass my drink, will you, love?

I'm too flollipy.

- Too what?
- (Sniggers)

- Too flollipy.
- (Both giggle)

Doesn't matter.
I'm probably too flollipy to drink it.

It's funny. When we first got into this flat
I didn't think things would work out.

I thought we'd be on the edge of our chairs
biting our fingernails, worrying about home.

Well, we were for the first couple of hours.

Yeah, but once you get really flollipy,
you're there, aren't you?

Oh, Tom, we did need a break, didn't we?

Yeah, we certainly did.
And it's working wonders.

(Phone rings)

There, you see? Even the telephone's
got a relaxed little trill about it.

Hello?

- Oh, God, it's Margo!
- What's wrong?

- Now, don't...
- Margo!

- Don't panic. What's wrong, Margo?
- Margo?

I have never been one to respond to hysteria.

Now stop shouting, calm down and I'll tell you.

All right. I'm-I'm sorry, Margo.
Very sorry. We are quite calm.

Thank you. Now, there appears to be
a little problem with your generator.

- That's it! We've had it!
- It's blown up!

No. Jerry has merely detected
that it is making a different noise.

- What sort of noise?
- A different one.

- Well, that's no use.
- We've got to know what sort of noise.

Well, it's a sort of a gurgle.

No, it's more of an intermittent grinding,
punctuated by...

No, grinding isn't quite the right word.
How can I explain it?

It's, it's sort of more like a high-pitched whine,
which is punctuated...

Margo, will you stop waffling
and make the blasted noise?

If you're going to be abusive I shall hang up.

No, no, Margo.
No, make the noise for me, Margo.

Please.

I'm not very good at noises.

- I'll kill her.
- Shut up!

Margo, please try.

Oh, very well.

(Clears throat)

A sort of coughing?

No, that wasn't the noise.
That was me clearing my throat.

Here comes the noise now.

Wheeeeeeee! Clunk!

Listen, listen. Are you sure it wasn't more of a...
(Make juddering noise)

No.

If I say so myself
my rendering was quite accurate.

It was definitely a whee, clunk.

- It's the bearing.
- It's the bearing, Margo.

- On what?
- You...!

Now, look. If you could get Jerry,
Tom will tell him what to do.

He's here now.
Don't come in, Jerry, you're filthy.

It's still doing it.

Jerry says it's still doing it.

Don't panic, Margo!

I'm not panicking, I'm awaiting instruction.

All right. Now, listen, Margo.

Tell Jerry to get the oil can
and squirt a few drops onto the nipple.

You just have to use words like that with me,
don't you?

That is what it's called. The nipple under
the flywheel. Now, tell him, please.

Very well.

Jerry, you are to squirt a few drops of oil -

I'm afraid I have to say this, Jerry -
onto the nipple underneath the flywheel.

- Gotcha.
- Got you, Jerry.

He's gone to do that now.

There, what sort of weather
are you having in London?

I don't know, we haven't been outside the flat.
Has anything else gone wrong?

Nothing.

Margo, you did remember
to talk to the chickens like I told you?

Yes, I did. And very silly I felt, too.

Mrs Weaver was looking over the fence.

Look, Margo, the oil is in the oil can marked "oil".

I think Jerry's level of initiative is sufficient
to work that one out.

And you do realise the light switch in the pigsty
works upside down?

Trial and error pulled us through that one.

Did we say to remember to milk the goat
from the right-hand side?

Yes, you did. Several times.

And if you need the keys to anything
they're round Jerry's neck.

- Not any more.
- Why not? You haven't lost them?

No, they are quite safe
in the top drawer of my bureau.

I simply couldn't stand Jerry clanking round
the house like a turnkey.

- Do excuse me.
- Tell them their machine's running normally.

Yes.

Jerry says the generator
is running normally again.

- Oh, thanks heavens.
- Panic over, Margo.

I was never in a panic.

Round the back, please, Jerry.

Well...

I'll say good night now.

- No, no.
- What?

Will you promise me to telephone us the minute
anything else goes wrong? Will you promise?

- Yes, I promise.
- Yes, but you will promise, won't you?

I just did. Now, good night.

Any time at all, night or day.

Yes. Now put your receiver down and go to bed.

(Chuckles)

- We flapped a bit there, didn't we?
- Just a bit.

Well, you heard what Auntie said -
go to bed.

Yeah.

(Tom groans)

Now, is there anything else we forgot?

He does have black silk sheets.

Does he?

(Man speaking Welsh on TV)

Tom, it's ten o'clock in the morning.

Isit?
- (TV off

Oil I was watching that.

Since when have you been fluent in Welsh?

Well, you get the gist of it.

Oh, what was it about then?

It was about these two blokes sitting in a studio,
talking to each other.

What were they talking about?

Socks, I think.

Or brass rubbings.

You've become a telly addict,
in a few hours, you have.

True, true. My goodness,
you've got to watch this easy living, you know.

Ow.

- It is fun, though, isn't it?
- Yeah, it Is.

Toast, toast, toast. Goody-goody.

Jerry and Margo haven't phoned,
so everything's all right at home.

Mm, obviously.

(Sighs contentedly)

- I wonder why they haven't phoned.
- Well, as you said,

obviously everything's all right.

Yeah, but what if something cropped up

and they didn't tell us
because they didn't want to worry us?

- Do you think they may be trying to cope alone?
- Exactly.

Trying to cope with something for which we
provided no notes and not being able to do it.

- You mean something unexpected?
- They'd be helpless.

- They'd phone us if they were helpless.
- No, no, no.

They wouldn't phone about being helpless
if they didn't realise they were.

You mean to say they've got a crisis
on their hands and they don't even know?

Could be. They don't know what to look for.

I mean, if they saw a chicken lying on its back
with its feet in the air they'd say,

"How quaint,
I didn't know chickens sunbathed."

It's not the chicken - it's the goat!

- It's Geraldine!
- What?

Oh, I'm a fool. I forgot to tell Margo and Jerry
about her cough.

But she got better.

But that's only because we looked it up
and we called the vet.

I mean, she could have had a relapse.

She could be there now coughing her heart up

and Margo and Jerry would pay no notice,
because they would think that's what goats do.

Tom, they're watching a dying goat!

Steady, steady, steady. If we set out now...

What am I talking about? We'll phone them.

- It's so long since I've been without a phone.
- Now, don't punish Jerry, it's not his fault.

- He doesn't know.
- I won't punish Jerry.

- We should never have left them alone.
- Oh, it's our own fault.

Steady, steady, steady.
Come on, come on, come on.

- They're not answering.
- They're in the garden.

They're watching Geraldine die, that's why.

- There's nobody there.
- Where are they?

- Perhaps Margo's been taken ill.
- And Jerry's taken her to hospital?

And nobody's watching the goat at all.

Nobody's watching anything.

Margo... l don't honestly think that goat
wants its horns polishing.

And I say the goat will have polished horns
whether it likes it or not.

- I don't really see the point.
- Oh, don't you? Then I shall explain.

I was getting a little tired
of Tom and Barbara's assumption

that we could only barely be trusted to look after
this silly self-sufficiency business of theirs.

When we hand back to them I want them to see
not only have we coped, but we have improved.

Yes, they do tend to rather strut and crow a bit,
don't they?

Quite. Mountains out of molehills.

Let them try to run a successful music society
with two leftist sopranos

and a stage manager
who has a steel plate in his head.

Exactly, darling.

Let them try and sort out the Mountjoy account
when Mountjoy has been treated for pyromania.

I've had that burn in your coat invisibly mended.

Thank you, darling.

I've a good mind to have written up on a notice
on the wall they can see,

"A little calm goes a long way."

Hear hear, to that, Jerry.

(Screech of tyres)

- (Car doors slam)
- What's that?

Thugs from the council estate, probably.

- Geraldine!
- All right, what's happened?

What are you doing here?

You didn't answer the phone.
Didn't you hear it?

- Yes, we did.
- Why didn't you answer it?

- Too lazy to get up and walk across the room?
- We weren't in the room.

We were in your garden,
looking after your menagerie as promised.

- All right, then. Why didn't you phone us?
- There was nothing to phone about.

You expect me to believe that?

Tom, I told you,
there was absolutely no need to dash back.

All the animals are perfectly fit and well.

You shake in the grass.

- Well, here we are, then.
- Yes, we can see that.

Just popped round to see how you were.

No, you didn't. You couldn't believe Jerry and I
were capable of handling things.

- I could!
- I'll see you later.

Popping round hardly entails tearing two inches
of rubber off my tyres

and then dashing in here like raving lunatics.

All right, Jerry, I'll come clean.
Barbara was in such a state, so we came back.

- You toad!
- All right, we both panicked.

- Yes, we both did.
- Anyway, we're back now.

We've had a nice little rest, sol probably think
it's best to take back the reins.

Before the Leadbetters
can do any more damage.

- What damage have you done?
- None. That's my point.

And I shall go further.

You are getting a little over-bumptious
about the difficulties of this lifestyle of yours.

But you've only done it for a day.

Yes, but even so, in spite of all your fuss
and flap, I think we've done it rather well.

Even to the extent of concentrating
on certain civilising influences

which you seem to have let slip.

- Like cleanliness.
- Now, look, Margo...

Have you seen the floor?

- Good Lord!
- I'd forgotten it was that colour.

Quite.

Notice too that the range has not only been
black-leaded, but polished as well.

TOM: It's beautiful, Margo.

Margo!

Do you mean to say you got down
on your hands and knees and did all this?

Not exactly. She made Mrs Pearson get down
on her hands and knees and do all this.

It's the same principle, Jerry.

Oh, yeah, same principle.

Anyway, it's very nice. Good heavens,
has Jerry bulled up all my garden tools?

Yes. Well, he made Mr Pearson do it.

It's the same principle.

Something else that might surprise you...

I wonder if you're going to recognise these.

I shall need sunglasses to look at those.

Er... Margo, where did you find those buckets?

Ah, now, they illustrate
what I meant about cleanliness.

Now, I don't wish to be unkind,
Tom and Barbara,

but this was the very nadir of the laxity
which seems to have become your norm.

- Where did you find them, Margo?
- In the cellar.

Absolutely revolting.
Filled to the brim with muck.

If that wasn't enough, growing on the surface
was what I can only describe as actual fungus.

- Which you threw away?
- No.

Which, realising the principles involved here,
I recycled.

The whole smelly mess
went into that digester thing.

- Effluence.
- Yes, Tom, if you must.

Don't be fooled by their smiles, Margo,
I know what they're up to.

They've lost. They're trying to make us believe
we've fallen down somewhere.

- Well, you have.
- In what way? Tell us.

All right, I will.

Margo, you've thrown our mushrooms
into the effluence digester.

Polish your own goat's horns!

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