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1
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,990
Ah, it's funny, you know.
2
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,078
Do you realise, at this moment,
millions of people in the country
3
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,555
are just sitting, goggling at their televisions?
4
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,953
- Yes.
- We're not, are we, love?
5
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,231
- We haven't got a television.
- Good job, too. Gets in the way.
6
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,591
- What of?
- Well, the proper use of the human mind.
7
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:11,031
I mean, how many people actually sit down
and read a good book any more?
8
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,993
- I don't.
- You do. You're reading one now.
9
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,190
I'm not. I'm being interrupted by you.
10
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,798
Sorry.
11
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,197
Ah...
12
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,153
Four! (Mimics cheering crowd)
13
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,080
Yes, I know what you mean, Tom.
14
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,878
I think I'd go mad if I were married to a zombie.
15
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,355
- Would you?
- Mm. I thank my lucky stars
16
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,359
that I'm married to a man
who can talk about cultivating the human mind,
17
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,789
and play schoolboy cricket games while doing it.
18
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,993
- You little rat!
- Well, it's true. What's this?
19
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:01,317
(Laughs)
"Tom Good's 11 versus International Musicians."
20
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,589
- So?
- Well, who ever heard of Dizzy Gillespie
21
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,200
opening the bowling with Pierre Boulez?
22
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,556
- I can pick who I like.
- Well, why don't you pick cricketers?
23
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,591
I've run out of cricketers.
24
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:18,716
But choosing your own team is using the mind.
25
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:19,955
Oh?
26
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,914
Ah, the World Religious Leaders 11
didn't do very well, did they?
27
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,554
No. If I say it myself,
I bowled pretty well that day.
28
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,069
(Chuckles) Yes, you did.
29
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:32,033
"The Pope: LBW. Good: 3"
30
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:37,519
(Laughs) "The Dalai Lama: caught and bowled.
Good: 7."
31
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,394
- Can I have my book back, please?
- No, wait. Why aren't you ever out?
32
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,671
L'am out.
I was clean-bowled by Hedy Lamarr last week.
33
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,750
What was she in? Your Dirty Old Man's 117
34
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,838
No, my fantasy 11, if you must know.
35
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,874
- Oh, who else is in your fantasy 117
- Never you mind.
36
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,754
All right. You go back to knocking
Dizzy Gillespie's bowling all over the place.
37
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,598
I'll go back to my book. All right?
38
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,472
All right.
39
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,511
(Chuckling)
40
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,038
Oh, no.
41
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:17,239
Oh, no!
42
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,679
- What?
- I'm out.
43
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,031
- Never mind.
- I was just getting into my stride, as well.
44
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,038
- How many runs had you got?
- 279.
45
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,193
It's as good as won the match.
46
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,629
What are you going to do now?
Nuclear physics?
47
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,799
No. I'm going to sit down in front of the old range
and do my impression of a contented man.
48
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,150
Do you mind? Can I get in there?
49
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,191
Thank you.
50
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,278
(Sighs)
51
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,718
No, read your book. Go on.
52
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:52,357
I would. Only, your impression of a contented
man is never a silent contented man.
53
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,789
- Will you just sit?
- Yes, yes. Goon. Go on.
54
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,038
(Sighs)
55
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,671
Huh! Rubbish.
56
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,918
- Good old range.
- Hm. Good old range.
57
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,474
(Rumbling)
58
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,431
Why did it do that?
59
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:26,800
I don't know.
60
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,956
It's never done that before.
61
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,356
Well, don't take it personally.
I don't think it was making a statement.
62
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,757
The chimney probably needs sweeping.
63
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,713
(Rumbling)
64
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,071
- It's done it again.
- Well, the chimney probably needs sweeping.
65
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:45,909
- You said that.
- Look, I'll have a go at it tomorrow. OK?
66
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,600
- Yes, you better had.
- What are you so worried about?
67
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,430
- Well, it's never done that before.
- Look, it's telling us to get its chimney swept.
68
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:58,998
Just a sort of gentle warning. Typical
of this range's nice nature. Good old range!
69
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,839
(Rumbling)
70
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,871
(Door bell)
71
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,718
- Oh, my God!
- It's only us, Margo.
72
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,752
Yes, it is. What... what have you been doing?
73
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,316
- Er... can we come in? It's starting to rain.
- Yes, of course, but...
74
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,079
It's all right. We've brought our own newspaper.
75
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,475
- I thought I heard your voices. Hello.
- Hello, Jerry.
76
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,875
How can you be so casual?
Look at the state of them.
77
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,911
Well, they're always in some sort of state.
78
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,792
But we're not normally covered in soot.
79
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,639
It's nothing to boast about. What happened?
80
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,432
Well, we hadn't swept the chimney.
81
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:44,553
- So it swept itself. Downwards. Whoosh!
- So we came round for a bath.
82
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:49,356
Well, I'm sorry, Tom and Barbara, but no.
Make your own bath dirty.
83
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,119
Well, we would.
Only, we don't have any hot water.
84
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,356
Oh, dear. It's one disaster after another.
85
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,633
No, it's the same disaster. The soot
put the fire out, and the fire heats the water.
86
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,479
Oh, all right.
What colour bath salts - blue or green?
87
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,238
Oh, blue, please.
88
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,875
- Er... can I borrow your rubber duck?
JERRY: Certainly not.
89
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,032
I sometimes wonder what you'd do
if you didn't have us next door.
90
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,233
Well...
91
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,356
Would you like one of our drinks,
while you're waiting to use our bath?
92
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,754
Oh, no, we've got to draw the line somewhere.
Two large gin and tonics, please.
93
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:26,758
Very well. Only, erm...
94
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,269
Yes, we'll try and keep our fall-out
to the minimum.
95
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,311
Thank you, Barbara.
96
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:46,870
(Chuckles) Mind you, that soot wasn't altogether
abad thing. We can use it on the garden.
97
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,276
Yes, I suppose we can... Tom!
98
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,993
- What?
- Hand!
99
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,593
Oh... oh er...
100
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,473
- Oh, I can't take you anywhere!
- It come off.
101
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,991
Oh, erm...
102
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,831
Thank you.
103
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,190
Well, isn't this...
104
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:23,711
No. I was going to say, "Isn't this nice?"
But it isn't, really, is it?
105
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,751
It's different, though.
106
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,996
The bath's running.
What are we doing out here?
107
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,238
- We're having drinks in the hall.
- Well, we didn't want to make anything dirty.
108
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,877
Different, anyway.
109
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,911
Thank you, darling.
110
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,114
Well, isn't it... No, I said that.
111
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,673
How's the traffic on London Bridge, Jerry?
112
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,234
Best part of an hour and ten minutes tonight.
113
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,317
Dear, dear.
114
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,317
(Chuckles)
115
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,239
It's hard having a chat in somebody's hall,
isn't it?
116
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,635
- Yes.
- (All chuckle)
117
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,877
- Especially when you're covered in soot!
- (Dully) Yes.
118
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,273
- Perhaps, if we were all covered in soot...
- Jerry!
119
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,919
Oh, I know something interesting
we can talk about.
120
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,839
Mrs Dooms-Patterson's horse has dropsy.
121
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,159
(Laughs)
122
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,998
Now, what's funny about that?
123
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:29,432
Well, it's the inevitability of it, really. I mean,
Mrs Dooms-Patterson must weigh 20 stone.
124
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:33,075
Tom! She is the wife
of the local Conservative agent.
125
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,238
- What's that got to do with her weight?
- Good manners.
126
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,749
We leave personal insults to the socialists.
127
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,713
"We"? Margo, you underlined that.
128
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,957
Oh, well, it's out now.
I suppose I'd better tell you.
129
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,640
I had tea with Mrs Dooms-Patterson
this afternoon,
130
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:52,516
and she has prevailed upon me to become
an active force for the local Conservative Party,
131
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,234
when the country demands a general election.
132
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,557
Oh, Lord! That means she'll be coming here,
breaking the furniture.
133
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:04,312
I'd have thought that was a small price to pay
for ousting this rabble. Who moved that picture?
134
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,675
- Don't look at me.
- I suppose it just moved itself.
135
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,991
Does anyone have anything to say?
136
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,549
- Shall I have my bath now?
- I think you'd better.
137
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,480
- Yes, come along, Tom.
- Barbara, aren't you going to finish your drink?
138
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,558
- No, it's all right. We'll hop in together.
- Together?
139
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,479
Hmm. It's quite nice.
You ought to try it sometime.
140
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,158
Well, really! Did you hear that, Jerry?
141
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,634
- Yes.
- Together!
142
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,071
Certainly not!
143
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,676
Margo didn't lend me one of her coats, did she?
144
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,836
Well, you'd look silly in ocelot.
145
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,477
Well, I could have looked quite nice
in the old powder-blue one, though.
146
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,670
- (Sighs)
- (Tom chuckles)
147
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,792
- What do you think you're doing?
- Having a lie-down before bed.
148
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,798
No, you're not.
We've got a sooty kitchen to clean up. Come on.
149
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,831
- (Groans)
- Let's have you.
150
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,038
Ah. Barbara...
151
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,958
- We've just had a bath, haven't we?
- Yes.
152
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,675
We should have cleaned up the soot
before we had the bath, you see.
153
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:26,395
Yes, well, if you had any sort of a brain,
you'd have thought of it.
154
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,035
- What about you?
- I did think of it.
155
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:34,358
- Well, why didn't you say?
- (Laughing) I forgot.
156
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,835
Well, we can't go back to Margo's again,
can we?
157
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:40,999
Oh, never mind. Let's do it tomorrow.
We'll have our own water heated up by then.
158
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,838
Yes, yes, yes. Quite true, yes.
159
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,032
Well, I think I'll just have a little rest
before I go to bed.
160
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,471
- Oh, that's not fair! I was there first.
- You shouldn't have got up, then.
161
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,751
Oh, whatever happened
to equal rights for women?
162
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,519
(Chuckles)
No, you're not gonna get me up by jogging.
163
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:59,349
- No, I'm not jogging. I've got an itch.
- We'll have you de-loused tomorrow.
164
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:03,639
- Look. Is there a bite there or something?
- Well, let's have a look.
165
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,354
Yes, I think you have. You've got... What's that?
166
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,279
- What?
- You've got something on your leg.
167
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,119
- Oh, yes?
- No, no. Keep still. Keep still. Still.
168
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,717
- Got it.
- What is it? Deathwatch beetle?
169
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,554
No, it... it looks like a flea.
170
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,191
- Tom, that isn't funny.
- Look.
171
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,996
(Screams)
172
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,237
Tom... I've got fleas!
173
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,910
- Its all right, love.
- No. Don't touch me!
174
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,951
Look, it's all right...
175
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,071
- Oh...!
- (Shrieks)
176
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,071
(Whistles cheerfully)
177
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,109
(Tom coughing)
178
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,754
- Morning.
- (Dully) Morning.
179
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,069
Barbara, what on earth are you doing?
180
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,829
I'm... I'm just looking for them.
181
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,471
Them? "Them" were giant ants in a film.
We've only got fleas.
182
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,195
- Only?
- Well, you won't track them down individually.
183
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,595
What are you looking for?
Footprints in the soot?
184
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,909
This is just another laugh to you, isn't it?
185
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,113
It's just another little problem that fate
throws your way, so that you can overcome.
186
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,879
- Now, don't get ratty.
- Well, it's awful having fleas!
187
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,116
- I know it is.
- Well, then!
188
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:56,677
Well, this isn't like you at all. If an elephant
charged through that door, you'd see him off.
189
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,552
A few fleas, and you go to pieces.
190
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,790
Well, it's awful.
191
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:06,755
They're small and... they're dirty.
And they go, "Zzzz."
192
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,790
- What?
- Well, you know what I mean.
193
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,229
Yes, I do, but if we're going
to tackle this problem,
194
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:18,238
I want a wife who's going to fight beside me
in the trenches,
195
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,237
not some idiot who won't leave the dugout.
196
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,510
Oh, all right. What are we going to do?
197
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,791
That's better. Now,
we've got to tackle this problem from scratch.
198
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,831
Don't say "scratch�.
199
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:33,071
Sorry. Source. Now, these fleas
obviously come from our animals. Right?
200
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,917
Yes, I suppose so. Except Geraldine.
201
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,510
Now, look. Just because you like that goat
doesn't prove her innocence.
202
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,358
She's having a ducking, as well.
203
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,040
- A ducking? What in?
- In that.
204
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,869
- What is it?
- Kills 101 per cent of all germs, including fleas.
205
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,595
- Are you sure it won't kill the animals?
- Not if they keep their mouths closed.
206
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,233
I'll be careful.
207
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,794
Yes, all right. I'll start a purge on the house.
208
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,831
Right.
209
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,678
Tom...
210
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:12,709
What?
211
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,559
Are you sure
we shouldn't have told the authorities?
212
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:19,116
Look, I told you - it's a last resort.
They might confiscate our animals.
213
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:22,118
If we can clear this up by ourselves,
no-one need ever know.
214
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,595
But what if we pass them on to other people?
215
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,758
Well, that's simple.
Just keep other people away. Right?
216
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,791
All right.
217
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,030
- (Splutters and groans)
- Get used to the smell.
218
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,071
- Why?
- You're going in here later.
219
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,631
(Coughs)
220
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,391
Morning.
221
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,191
Look, I only...
222
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,479
(Mouthing)
223
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,915
Ah, er... push it under the door.
224
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,758
I can't...
225
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:27,511
Er. leave it then.
226
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,712
No. You have to sign for it.
227
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,876
Look, I'm going to open the door a little bit.
228
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,594
But I want you to stand well back, please.
229
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,714
Further back, please. Further back.
230
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,876
- Bloody Rod Steiger!
- Who?
231
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,151
- Rod Steiger. I put this at his door.
- Put what?
232
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,318
- Making women terrified of anyone who calls.
- Why Rod Steiger?
233
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,113
That film where he turned up in disguise
andkilled women.
234
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:02,154
All right, he's got to make a living.
But why couldn't he have made a musical?
235
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,998
Yeah, but I'm not frightened of you.
236
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,509
- Oh, well ..
- No! Stay back! Stay!
237
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,710
You are, dear. You're terrified.
238
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:14,152
Now, what can I do to prove I'm not in disguise?
I know. I'll show you a photo of my wife.
239
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,635
- No, you don't have to.
- No, you'll feel better.
240
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,717
There she is, at the depot dinner-dance.
241
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,229
And that's me in the background,
with the funny nose.
242
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,477
Now, would I be at such a function
if I was not a bona-fide postman?
243
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,909
Look, I know you're not in disguise,
244
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,078
but could you please put the parcel
on the ground... please?
245
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,909
Well, whatever makes you feel safe.
There you are. And the book, as well?
246
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,951
Yes, please.
247
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,551
Thank you.
248
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,836
I'd get yourself one of those ammonia squirters,
if I were you.
249
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,511
- Was it MGM?
- Who?
250
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,312
Who made that film?
251
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:57,230
Because I'm writing to them, telling them what
sort of effect their products are having here.
252
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,510
Oh...! (Blowing)
253
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,358
Oh...!
254
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,511
Why did you blow on my book?
255
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:13,190
Er... Oh, I thought
you might have soaked it in ether.
256
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,916
What did we used to be, eh? Us postmen.
Friendly neighbourhood characters.
257
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:22,397
And now, thanks to bloody Rod Steiger, we're all
potential murderers with ether-soaked books.
258
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,272
It's not right. It's not right.
259
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,673
You can come in for a cup of tea next week!
260
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,916
(Cockerel squawking)
261
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,311
(Panting)
262
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,791
He's mad, that cockerel. He's mad.
263
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,596
- Didn't he enjoy his bath?
- He didn't have it.
264
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,837
I can't catch him.
He won't have it. I can't do anything with him.
265
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,269
Ah..yes.
266
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,958
Yes.
267
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,149
Right, then, Lenin.
Now let's see who's master of the chicken run.
268
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,830
Oh, your catalogue's come.
269
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,679
Oh, good. Good. Good.
270
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,075
Ah, that means the postman's been.
You didn't...?
271
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,999
No, but it's going to be awfully difficult
with callers, Tom.
272
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:15,791
Why?
273
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,992
Well, I can't just shout,
"Get away! I've got parasites." Can I?
274
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:24,430
And I've had a horrible thought. Margo and Jerry
always come round. How do we get them away?
275
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,472
Well, perhaps we could say
we've got Michael Foot staying.
276
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,358
Oh... Tom!
277
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,475
I've had an even more horrible thought.
278
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,318
Wedgie Benn?
279
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,872
No, no. I think we might be closing
the stable door after the horse has bolted.
280
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,877
- How come?
- No...
281
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,038
Well, we went round to Margo's
for a bath last night, didn't we?
282
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,230
What if we took a visitor or two with us?
283
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,153
Oh, strewth!
284
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,518
I do wish you'd take that peevish expression
off your face.
285
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,989
You can't see the expression on my face.
286
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,150
I know what it is by the position of your feet.
287
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:12,436
All right, I am peevish. Why can't you have your
political durbars at Mrs Dooms-Patterson's?
288
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,835
Because I wish to reciprocate. That's why.
289
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,838
No, you just want to join the upper echelons
of the local party.
290
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,837
When have I ever done anything like that?
291
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,791
A few weeks ago, with the Music Society.
292
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,638
We are not talking about that.
293
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:28,629
No, we're not. We're talking about my home
being invaded by a herd of 20-stone Tory trouts.
294
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,716
Mrs Dooms-Patterson
is the only biggie amongst us.
295
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,116
And her glands are not her fault.
296
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,994
- If she brought her own chair, I wouldn't mind.
- Jerry!
297
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,556
I just don't see
what all this frantic political activity's all about.
298
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,796
We intend to be ready. That's why.
299
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,229
But our chap's got a 20,000 majority.
300
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,750
Maybe, but due to apathy such as yours,
301
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:57,829
at the last general election, the socialist
kept his deposit. Well, it won't happen again.
302
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,792
I'm looking at your feet, Jerry.
303
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,437
- (Knocking)
- Oh, it's Tom and Barbara. Come in!
304
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,951
Got some sort of a placard.
305
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,469
Oh, ignore them. It's one of their silly jokes.
306
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,310
"Do not open the window." Why?
307
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,759
- "Are you itching?"
- I fail to see that it's...
308
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,632
Well, I have been, actually.
309
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,672
Yes, so have l. Yes, we have.
310
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,152
- Well, we're too late.
- Too late for what?
311
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:45,273
We've er... got something to tell you.
(Clears throat) Tom...
312
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,755
Er..ah. er..
313
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:52,317
Well, it... it's rather delicate, actually.
You see, the thing is... Barbara?
314
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:56,399
Ah, well, it's er...
just a matter of finding the right word, really.
315
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,795
- Do you want to have another bath?
- No, no, no.
316
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,719
No, it isn't so much delicate as personal, really.
317
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,991
- A bereavement?
- No, not yet.
318
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,795
- An illness?
- No, I wouldn't call it an illness.
319
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,434
The word I'd use is... Barbara?
320
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,279
- No, go on. You had it on the tip of your tongue.
- I didn't.
321
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,709
- Well, / didn't!
- Tom! Barbaral Now, listen.
322
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,751
We've been friends for many years.
323
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,759
If you have something delicate to say,
then you must realise that we are on your side.
324
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,916
So, come along. Out with it.
325
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,351
We've given you fleas.
326
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,559
Jerry! Burn everything!
327
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,479
Will it be a Black Maria sort of thing
from the council?
328
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,197
Will men with protective clothing
cordon off the house?
329
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,230
I don't know. I'm not normally a health hazard.
330
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,350
Will they paint us with that mauve stuff?
331
00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:00,280
I don't know. They might shave off our hair
and squirt us with DDT, for all I know.
332
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,118
Anyway, it's out now.
333
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,834
- I suppose we had to tell the council.
- Oh, of course.
334
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:09,795
I thought we could contain it, but we haven't.
We can't put Surbiton on top of the flea league.
335
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,875
- It's a question of civic duty.
- Civic duty? You?
336
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,072
Well, they'd find out, anyhow.
We'd get a lynch mob in the garden.
337
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:19,192
- Yes, I suppose you're right.
- (Car engine)
338
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,709
- Tom, there's a car.
- It doesn't have to be them.
339
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,354
- (Tyres screech to a halt)
- It's stopped!
340
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:31,240
- There's a man coming towards the house!
- Is he carrying a Tommy gun?
341
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,954
No, but he's got a Gladstone bag.
342
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,116
- (Door bell)
- (Barbara gasps)
343
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,994
- No! No! Don't answer itl No, no, no!
- Barbaral What... look...
344
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,791
Pull yourself together!
345
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:54,353
Good afternoon, sir.
Could I interest you in a set of encyclopaedias?
346
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,119
- No, thank you.
- There are some very interesting entries
347
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,037
under the letter F, sir.
348
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,230
- No, thank you.
- Such as Formaldehyde...
349
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,078
- Look...
- .and Fleas.
350
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:04,918
Oh! Come in.
351
00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:07,871
Thank you.
352
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,632
(Gasps) What was all that about?
353
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:17,629
A little subterfuge I like to adopt, sir. Saves
all that nasty stigmata with the neighbours.
354
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,513
- Well, that's very thoughtful.
- I do my best. This way?
355
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,356
Er..
356
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,789
That's my wife Barbara. This is Mr er...
357
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,116
Bulstrode. PV Bulstrode.
358
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,470
A disinfestation.
359
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,830
Oh. Ah. How nice.
360
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:39,637
Yes. I ought to tell you that I never drink on duty
- not even tea or coffee - so don't ask me.
361
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,318
TOM: Oh, well...
362
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,239
Straight down to brass tacks, then.
Well.. fleas.
363
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:50,512
I'm glad you've retained your sense of humour,
sir. A lot of people go to pieces under fleas.
364
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:54,235
- Do we have to keep saying that word?
- Well, that's all it is. A word.
365
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:55,953
But do we have to keep saying it?
366
00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:00,312
Right-ho. Hereinafter,
we shall refer to them as the "little offenders".
367
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,034
- Thank you.
- (Humming)
368
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,351
Head down, sir.
369
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,718
Get off!
370
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,679
- What do you think you're doing?
- First principle, sir.
371
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,872
I have to have one of the little offenders,
sol can identify it.
372
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:26,120
Well, no need. We caught another one.
It's in a jar of disinfectant in the kitchen.
373
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,071
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish more people would do this.
374
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,191
You do enjoy your job, don't you?
375
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:37,076
I love it. The Bulstrodes have been in infestation
right back to the bubonic times.
376
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:41,237
- Through here, is it, sir?
- Er..yes.
377
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,871
Ah. Ah, there he is.
378
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,716
Oh, I do beg her pardon. She's a female.
379
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,197
Well, how can you tell?
380
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,550
Vive la difference. Eh, sir? (Chuckles)
381
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,319
- Good gracious!
- (Humming)
382
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,197
- Do you mind, sir?
- Sorry. Sorry.
383
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,991
(Humming)
384
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,190
Ah, yes. Oh, yes.
385
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:38,116
It says in my Boys' Book Of Knowledge that,
if a flea were human,
386
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,071
it could high-jump 20 feet.
387
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,030
Tom!
388
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,196
Depends on the species, sir.
389
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,959
The Great Cuban can do nearer 23.
390
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,638
- Really?
- Mm.
391
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,038
Is that a Great Cuban?
392
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,278
(Laughs)
393
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,356
Bless your heart! No, not in these climes.
394
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:05,110
No, this is your temperate-zone animal flea.
You keep animals, do you?
395
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,073
- Er.
- Er... one or two.
396
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:09,997
Hmm...
397
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,872
Yes, well, it's nothing very exotic.
398
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,480
It's just your common dog fl...
399
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,477
Er.. little offender.
400
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,511
Well, we... we haven't got a dog.
401
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,870
- Yes, you have.
- No, no, we haven't.
402
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,309
Oh, well, if you... if you say so.
403
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,149
(Whistles) Come out, boy. Come out.
404
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,471
We haven't got a dog!
405
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,955
- Neighbours?
- Yes, we have neighbours.
406
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,396
- And they have a dog?
- No.
407
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,320
- Well, somebody has.
- That would seem a reasonable supposition.
408
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:47,434
No, sir. What I mean is that a dog
is the primary host of this little offender here.
409
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,710
I would stake my professional reputation on it.
410
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:54,197
The trouble is, we are so hard-pressed
at the department, that we can't track it down.
411
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,870
Oh, does that mean that we're going
to have fleas for the rest of our lives?
412
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,480
Oh, no, madam. It will take its natural course.
413
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:04,514
And then you will realise you've been in contact
with someone who has a dog.
414
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,836
You phone me, or my son Mickey,
415
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,520
and I shall be round like a shot
to clean the animal up.
416
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:14,919
Meanwhile, your best frontline of defence is...
is that.
417
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,359
Thank you.
418
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,597
Well, I'll er.. I'll hop off now. (Chuckles)
419
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:26,316
- Through here, is it, sir?
- Er... yes. Thanks very much for coming.
420
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,351
Oh, it's been a pleasure.
421
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,951
(Coughing)
422
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,310
- Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye. (Coughing)
423
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,190
(Coughing)
424
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,751
(Knocking)
425
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,718
Ah!
426
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,434
- Ah, hello, Jerry.
- Hello.
427
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,313
Hey! What an infernal cheek!
428
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:58,433
Not cheek. Scientific fact. The bloke
from the council said our animals are clean.
429
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,756
Yes, he says the fleas come from a dog.
430
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,314
Well, I'm not a dog. I don't even know a dog.
431
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:05,351
Yes. Well, that's what we said.
432
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:11,030
Mrs Dooms-Patterson had a wonderful idea
this afternoon, Jerry. She thinks...
433
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,038
Hello, Tom and Barbara.
Goodbye, Tom and Barbara.
434
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:17,471
No, Margo, before you get the disinfectant,
we ought to tell you...
435
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:21,036
that the fleas do not originate
from the Good estate.
436
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,198
Oh. Well, I never thought they did, dear.
437
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,959
- Margo...
- No, I firmly believe
438
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,719
that they hopped up here
from the council estate.
439
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,910
Now, what we must...
440
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:38,072
Oh, look at that. Ben is a lovely boy,
but his hairs do come out.
441
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:41,476
- Ben? Who's Ben?
- Mrs Dooms-Patterson's Old English sheepdog.
442
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,994
What? Why is everyone staring at me?
443
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,558
- Well...
- Well...
444
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,318
What?
445
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,431
Tell it to her gently, Jerry.
446
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,636
Good luck.
447
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:09,713
- Tell me what, Jerry?
- Erm... sit down, darling.
448
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,673
It's just that...
449
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,311
(Margo screams)
450
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:21,872
He's told her.
451
00:29:21,922 --> 00:29:26,472
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