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1
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BARBARA: What is going on next door?
2
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I think Margo's transferring the garden party
from Buckingham Palace.
3
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,957
Now, what would you think that was?
4
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,193
Any guesses?
5
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:55,913
Birdbath?
6
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,711
Hang on, it's a statue.
7
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,959
It's Acker Bilk.
8
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Fool.
9
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(Whispers) What is he doing?
10
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(Whispers) Measuring.
11
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,232
- Why?
- Don't be nosy.
12
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,271
Ask him.
13
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,471
Good evening.
14
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,519
I'm glad you said that, missus,
cos that's what's going down on my timesheet.
15
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,551
- What is?
- Evening.
16
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,911
We're three minutes over now.
But will they believe that in the office?
17
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,951
Of course they won't. They never do.
18
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,673
He just sits there and sneers.
19
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,358
Who does?
20
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,630
Hobbs. He might have skin trouble.
21
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,638
He wants to go out in the vans,
find out what it's really like.
22
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,399
You never know what it's like
till you get out in the vans, do you?
23
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,671
Exactly. He's very good at nicking carbon paper
from the firm,
24
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,429
but you ask him to put down three minutes'
overtime, he don't want to know.
25
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,557
He ought to go out in the vans now and again.
26
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,592
Exactly.
It was the same at the dinner and dance.
27
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:19,156
He can't do the quickstep
better than anyone else, can he? Oh, no.
28
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,634
- He should try your job.
- Exactly.
29
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,032
Out measuring in all weathers.
30
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,559
Exactly.
31
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,920
What are you measuring... exactly?
32
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:31,430
Windbreak.
33
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:36,309
A windbreak.
Woman wants a windbreak here, by the fence.
34
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,198
You're... you're gonna put a windbreak up here
by the fence?
35
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,231
Yeah, yeah. I'm measuring.
36
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,230
- You're not gonna put it up tonight, are you?
- Exac... right, I'm not.
37
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,920
We're seven minutes over now.
Seven minutes over.
38
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,349
- I'd knock off if I were you.
- I'm going to.
39
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,591
Wallop! Right, that's me done.
40
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,631
All right, lads. Home.
41
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,590
Well, you've got five minutes before tea.
42
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:08,315
Do you want to paralyse the car industry
or bring the dockers out?
43
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,350
Barbara, if Margo puts up a windbreak here,
44
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,075
it's gonna throw a dirty great shadow
all over those fruits we've put in.
45
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:16,834
Oh, yes.
46
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,635
Fruits which, hopefully, are gonna be
our equivalent to the gold standard.
47
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,836
Well, do you think she'd mind
if we asked her to put it further along?
48
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,839
I tell you what. We'll ask her round
and I'll turn on the charm.
49
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,913
Charm? You?
50
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,076
(Giggles) You fell for it, didn't you?
51
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,830
Yes, well, I was a late developer.
52
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,119
Have very, very nice of you to come round,
Margo.
53
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,278
- Thank you.
- Please... sit down.
54
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,749
- Can I get you anything?
- No, thank you.
55
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,115
Ahh...
56
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,832
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
57
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,440
- I was thinking how nice you look.
- What do you want?
58
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,158
No, no, no, no. Nice is the wrong word.
59
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,032
You look very elegant.
60
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,400
What do you want, Tom?
61
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,875
- I just want to pay you a compliment.
- Why?
62
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,638
- Does there have to be a why?
- Yes. Now what do you want?
63
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,671
Barbara, what does Tom want?
64
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,193
He's just being charming.
65
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,756
How do you know he was being charming
if you were out of the room?
66
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:33,237
Ah. Well... in that case,
we want you to move your windbreak.
67
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,679
No. Why should I?
68
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,472
It's absolutely vital, Margo.
69
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,830
Our surplus of veg last year didn't show a profit,
70
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:42,874
so we decided to change it to a surplus
of soft fruits this year. It will bring in a lot more.
71
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,629
If you put your windbreak up where
you intend to they won't get enough sun,
72
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,832
so if you could move it a bit further
down the fence we'd be all right.
73
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,756
- I see.
- Eh, Margo? Eh, eh?
74
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,871
Eh, Margo, eh?
75
00:04:54,920 --> 00:05:00,199
Very well. If I were to be confronted by Barbara
wearing even more threadbare clothes this year
76
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,992
I suppose I'd never forgive myself.
77
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:05,749
- Margo, thank you.
- Radiantly elegant, I would have said.
78
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,791
You can stop now, Tom. I've agreed.
79
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:13,276
I'll get Mr Bailey to move the whole thing
further down the garden tomorrow.
80
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,233
Oh, we meant to ask you, yes.
What is this thing?
81
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,110
Oh, um... didn't you realise?
82
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,152
I am building a little arbour.
83
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,071
For boats?
84
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,397
I wonder why I bother to tell you anything.
85
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,554
Well, tell me, then.
86
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,876
- No, you're just as bad.
- Oh, goon.
87
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,309
Oh, well, I've been dying to tell somebody.
88
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:41,230
L'am having a little arbour.
A sort of little temple, dedicated to music.
89
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,191
With you as the high priestess?
90
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,198
With me as the new president
of the Music Society.
91
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,277
A sort of Surbiton Isadora Duncan?
92
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,837
Certainly not.
That woman was a lewd, foreign exhibitionist.
93
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,678
I am concerned with art.
94
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,279
What does he do?
95
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,311
Do you want to hear about my plans or not?
96
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:00,710
Sorry.
97
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:01,511
Well...
98
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,870
The members of my society
will be able to come along
99
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,869
and rehearse in an atmosphere of Sylvan,
perhaps almost Elysian charm.
100
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,436
What, with the neighbours looking over
the fence as they hang their washing out?
101
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,119
It's a jolly sight better
than Miss Mountshaft's sordid flat.
102
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:20,119
Of course it is, Margo. Blimey, you've got
scope there. I should put on Aida if I were you.
103
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,754
Your lot on the lawn,
Sadlers Wells in the shrubbery,
104
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:27,192
Andre Previn and the ISO sitting on
your concrete mushrooms, it must be a hit.
105
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,790
- Its all just a big joke to you, isn't it?
- That lot would be.
106
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,150
- Well, it isn't to me.
- Oh, Margo.
107
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,998
You've got to see the funny side of it.
108
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,951
- There isn't one.
- Oh, come on.
109
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,752
No, I won't "come on"!
110
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,633
You make such a virtue of always seeing
the funny side of things.
111
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,230
It isn't a virtue when it's me
you keep seeing the funny side of.
112
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,079
But, Margo, that's what Margos are for.
113
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:52,478
I'm sick of it. And if you are set on playing
the red-nosed comedian for the rest of your life,
114
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,511
I suggest you find yourself another stooge.
115
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,471
- But, Margo, you're the best in the business.
- Oh, shut up!
116
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,791
Go on, shift it.
117
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,238
Here, get your hands off that.
118
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,157
Just trying to help, Mr Bailey.
119
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,158
Never mind help. You are unskilled labour.
120
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,396
When you're old enough for erections you erect.
121
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,909
In the meantime,
keep your hands off this windbreak.
122
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,997
Sorry, Mr Bailey.
123
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,077
All right, then. All right, Wally.
124
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,793
Righto, Wally, lift it.
125
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:35,199
(Strains) Don't just stand there,
you little skiver, give us a hand.
126
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:46,149
No, really, Tom, I think we went a bit too far
with Margo yesterday.
127
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,316
I think we ought to go next door and apologise.
128
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:52,831
Yeah, well, perhaps you're right.
I mean, she's a good sort, really, old Margo.
129
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,391
The petty-minded bitch!
130
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:12,715
She promised she wouldn't put that up there.
That's just spite.
131
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,751
Right. Come on.
132
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,318
(Yawns)
133
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,917
- All right, where's Margo?
- What's this, a police raid?
134
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,678
- Where is she?
- Out.
135
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,839
- Are you sure you don't mean she's upstairs?
- Not unless she's shinned up the drainpipe.
136
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,633
- I saw her going out of the front door.
- Ah! Couldn't face us, eh?
137
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,751
I can't face you this early. What do you want?
138
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,155
Margo promised
not to put the windbreak up there.
139
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,033
Now, just because she can't take a joke
she has put it up there.
140
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,799
Take it up with Margo when she comes back.
I'm going to work.
141
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,559
- This isn't funny.
- Neither is this.
142
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,637
You've torn my Financial Times.
143
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:03,390
I am very, very sorry. I do realise that's
the Eighth Deadly Sin, but my fruit is suffering.
144
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,078
Give it an aspirin.
145
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,031
You don't seem to care at all.
146
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,037
- That's because I don't.
- Jerry, look.
147
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,072
Just tell them to move it.
That's all we want you to do.
148
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,270
- Come along, Jerry.
- Get off! I'm not a puppet.
149
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:18,234
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll put my jacket
on over my crumpled shirt sleeves.
150
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,591
I'm going to put my torn Financial Times
in my briefcase and I'm going to work.
151
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,393
Turn your back on things,
pretend they don't exist.
152
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,558
- That's what I'm going to try to do.
- Margo's gone back on her word.
153
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,910
I don't know the ins and outs
of your latest squabble.
154
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,110
You don't have to, just do what we want.
155
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,118
That's the cornerstone
of your egocentric philosophy these days.
156
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,629
The Goods are in their heavens,
all's right with the world.
157
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,956
But, Jerry, you like us. We're nice.
158
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,550
You're not. Not when you come in here before
I'm awake and behave like storm troopers.
159
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,273
OK, we're sorry. I tell you what.
160
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:49,393
You go to work, wake up in your own time and
think about the rights and wrongs of this matter.
161
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,319
- Then phone Margo and tell her she's wrong.
- I'm damned if I will.
162
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,158
You're ignoring three fundamentals.
163
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,431
One; Margo bought that windbreak.
Two; she's paying to have it put up.
164
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,993
And three; it's in her own garden.
165
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,640
And four; she doesn't need to apply to you
for planning permission.
166
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,629
And five; if I get stuck in traffic on London Bridge
I shall probably have a nervous breakdown!
167
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,320
And I shall send you the bill
for the damn psychiatrist.
168
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,434
- I think we lost that one on points.
- (Door slams)
169
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,916
Did we? We'll see.
They won't move the windbreak, right?
170
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,032
- Right.
- Then how's this for the KO?
171
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,071
We move all the fruit.
172
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,957
It will kill us moving all that again.
173
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,992
Exactly. And then they'll feel guilty,
and then who will have won?
174
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,031
Answer me that.
175
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,998
Zombie?
176
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,838
Yes, Trog?
177
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,191
Are you quite sure
that there is some moral victory in this?
178
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,631
Yes, of course I am.
And moral victories are always painful.
179
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:12,151
Because I'm thinking of taking up some
lighter employment like down the mines.
180
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,794
Never mind, we outmanoeuvred the windbreak.
181
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,631
I still think we should have burnt it.
182
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,757
- What a petty thing for her to do.
- That's just the point, you see.
183
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,076
But we have not sunk to her level, and why?
184
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:30,512
- Because we are on a higher spiritual plain.
- Yes. Definitely.
185
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,755
Oh.
186
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,394
- Do you think we've earned a nap?
- Yes, I do.
187
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,875
Mr Bailey?
I want to see you in my drawing room at once.
188
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,319
Won't be a minute.
189
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:49,398
That is correct. You will be ten seconds.
190
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,191
Yes? You...
191
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,599
Thank you.
192
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:16,871
Now, tell me, why have you erected
my windbreak in the wrong place?
193
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,513
It isn't. That's where you wanted it.
194
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:22,599
Originally, yes. But after consultation
with my neighbours, I agreed to move it.
195
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,790
How was I to know that? I'm not psychic.
196
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,195
But you are impertinent, Mr Bailey.
197
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,954
I went out early this morning, sol left a note.
198
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,277
- I didn't read no note.
- That is transparently obvious.
199
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,596
It does not alter the fact that I left one.
200
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,517
Now, did you or did you not
201
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:42,952
see a pale blue envelope sellotaped
to the handle of your pickaxe this morning?
202
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,950
- Yes, I did.
- And what was written on that envelope?
203
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:47,910
NB.
204
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:48,791
Well?
205
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,514
Well, I'm not N Bailey, I'm Arthur Bailey. AB.
206
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,593
You stupid man.
207
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,110
- Don't talk to me like that.
- I can because I pay your wages.
208
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,151
And get off my carpet.
209
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:05,118
For your information, Mr Bailey,
NB means nota bene.
210
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:06,956
Who?
211
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,320
It's Latin.
212
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,431
Ah, well, I come from Balham.
213
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,595
Very well. The fact that you come from Balham
214
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:18,270
probably does excuse your ignorance
of even elementary Latin.
215
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:22,632
It does not excuse ignoring a written instruction
sellotaped to the handle of your pickaxe.
216
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,711
Written instructions are for white collar workers.
I am manual.
217
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,159
I see.
218
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:32,717
So unless a sign reads "Keep off the grass,
Mr Bailey, and all other manual workers"
219
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,273
you ignore it, do you?
220
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,796
- I didn't mean that.
- What do you mean, Mr Bailey?
221
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,470
Well, I mean, it's up now. It's a fait accompli.
222
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,478
Oh, so we know French in Balham,
but not Latin?
223
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,312
Figure of speech. It's up!
224
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,112
- Well, then, take it down again.
- Why?
225
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,630
So my neighbours don't think
I have gone back on my word of honour.
226
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,671
Now kindly move my windbreak!
227
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,509
- Say I said no?
- I should report you to your managing director.
228
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,200
Oh, he's a personal friend of yours, I suppose?
229
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,230
Yes.
230
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:09,154
He also happens to be the lead tenor
in my music society, Mr Bailey.
231
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,396
NB, Mr Bailey.
232
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:15,830
Look, I didn't say I wouldn't move it.
I said, "Say I wouldn't?"
233
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,951
Then move it, Mr Bailey.
234
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,674
And keep your verbal convolutions to yourself.
235
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,356
Hey, Wally, stop what you're doing.
236
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,119
Lady Face Ache wants her windbreak moved.
237
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,634
I heard that.
238
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,157
Is that where you want it?
239
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,873
Yes, it is.
240
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,911
Are you sure?
241
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,114
Yes, I am.
242
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,191
Thank you.
243
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,470
Thank you... very much.
244
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,392
(Mouths)
245
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,671
What the devil's that thing doing there?
246
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,155
I was told to move it, so I moved it.
247
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,157
By the people next door, I presume?
248
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,157
No, by your wife.
249
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:25,034
I'll check on that. If you're lying you're going
to be in very hot water. Do you understand?
250
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,599
Hurry up, Wally.
The sooner we're out of here the better.
251
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,351
What a beautiful evening.
252
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,671
Evening, Mr Bailey.
253
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,319
Good evening.
254
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,711
Oi, just a minute.
255
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,995
Yes?
256
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,237
- Did you move that windbreak?
- Yes.
257
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,669
- Who told you to?
- The woman here.
258
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,680
That's just mean. She's no right to do that.
259
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,996
What about my rights?
I do have them, you know.
260
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,714
It's just they're not allowed to come out
in this district.
261
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,115
Oh, stop moaning!
262
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,276
Wally, tools.
263
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:17,598
Don't bother, because you're gonna have to
move it again. Come on, Barbara.
264
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,277
Run for it, Wally.
265
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,876
What are you doing, darling?
266
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:33,352
- I'm going to do the drinks.
- Say hello in a moment, Jerry.
267
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,391
All right.
268
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,314
- All right, where is she?
- God, not you two again.
269
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,510
- You don't care at all.
- You know why I don't care?
270
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,029
- Cos I don't know what's going on.
- Don't give me that.
271
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,151
Don't tell me you haven't noticed it's moved.
272
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,111
- Yes, I have.
- She must have moved it.
273
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,197
He said she had, but I haven't asked her yet.
274
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,676
When you ask her and she says no, she's lying.
She did, or he wouldn't have.
275
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,156
- You wanted it moved this morning.
- It was in the wrong place this morning.
276
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:03,319
If you'd moved it then, it would have been in
the right place, but now it's in the wrong place!
277
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,271
- Answer that!
- How can 17 It's gibberish.
278
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,438
- It's bad manners.
- Yes, I'm glad you mentioned bad manners.
279
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,994
This is the second time you've burst in
and attacked my wife.
280
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,829
- How can we attack her? She's in hiding.
- Yes, all she does is pop herself in and out
281
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,917
to move her windbreak when we're not looking.
282
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,429
- My fruit trees in my garden...
- Oh, damn your garden!
283
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,836
- Damn your windbreak.
- Language. What is going on?
284
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,553
(Both shout at once)
285
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:28,878
Be quiet, the pair of you! One more word and I
swear I shall throw you of the French windows.
286
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,434
Now, Margo,
will you please tell us as simply as possible,
287
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,235
why this piffling affair of the windbreak
has been blown up to giant proportions?
288
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,558
Very well, Jerry. But I don't see why
Tom and Barbara are in such high-dudgeon.
289
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,671
- Oh, don't you? Well, let me tell...
- Shut up!
290
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,716
Margo?
291
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:49,755
Well, Tom and Barbara asked me not to put
the windbreak where I had originally intended.
292
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,679
I left instructions for Mr Bailey accordingly.
293
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:57,430
Unfortunately, he did not read my note
and put it up as per my original instructions.
294
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,790
I came home, noticed, and made him move it.
295
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:03,390
But in the meantime we have moved all our fruit.
296
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,431
I didn't know that.
297
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,349
We may have jumped to conclusions here.
298
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,390
Obviously.
299
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,272
Well, that's that sorted out.
Good evening, Jerry.
300
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,311
Good evening, Margo.
301
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,911
Good evening, Barbara. Good evening, Tom.
302
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,474
- Good evening, Margo.
- Good evening, Margo.
303
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,716
- Good evening, Jerry.
- Good evening, Barbara.
304
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,229
- Good evening, Jerry.
- Good evening, Tom.
305
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,431
(Sighs)
306
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,517
Well, I expect you'd like us to stay to dinner.
307
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,434
Well, you've certainly got a cheek. Margo?
308
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,438
Why not? I think I can stretch my pasta.
309
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,238
Are you going to make a joke, Tom?
310
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,351
No. No, no, no, no. No, no.
311
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,472
I'm just going next door to get a few bottles
of Burgundy to say sorry
312
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,431
and to help things along.
313
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,391
No, Tom, I wouldn't do that...
314
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,671
- Oh, dear.
- Oh. I thought you liked our homemade wine.
315
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,439
Oh, we do, but not by the bottle.
316
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,480
It's hardly a table wine, is it?
317
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:14,275
Ah, well. Just think of it
as an under-the-table wine.
318
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,435
Ha-ha-ha!
319
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,031
Now, then, Barbara, leave that.
320
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,593
It's all right, Jerry. Won't take a minute.
321
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,996
- It's the very most I can do.
- But there's no need. We have a dishwasher.
322
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,316
Now, come on, you just hand me the things.
323
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,309
Ooh...
324
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,591
Whooo...
325
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,238
- lsay..
- Hm?
326
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,271
Would you mind not doing that?
327
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,516
Why not? You asked me to hand them to you.
328
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,836
No, no, no. Not that, no.
329
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:08,551
What?
330
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:10,431
That.
331
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,991
Jerry, what are you doing?
332
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,199
I'm doing what you're doing.
333
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,914
- Oh, that.
- Yes, you're doing it again.
334
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,155
No, don't. Stop it.
335
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,510
- Well, it's my hair.
- Yes, no, it's not that.
336
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,030
It's the gesture.
337
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,991
Brings out the beast in me.
338
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,391
(Sniggers)
339
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,391
Jerry, don't be ridiculous.
340
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,431
I'm not.
341
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,869
I've always had a yen for you, you know that.
342
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,750
When you do that, well, more of a yen, really.
343
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,073
Jerry... Jerry, don't you start that.
344
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,157
Can't help it. It's a fact of life.
345
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,236
- Jerry...
- (Clattering)
346
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,029
.I'm a married woman.
347
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,791
Well, so am l.
348
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,518
- I still fancy you.
- Oh, Jerry...
349
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,711
Jerry, you mustn't say things like that.
350
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,229
It's flattering, but you mustn't say things like that.
351
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,079
- Of course, one reads about in the papers.
- What?
352
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,391
Wife-swapping.
353
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,151
It does happen, you know.
354
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,431
I think wife-swapping's silly.
355
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,159
I mean, after all, if a swife-loffs...
356
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,558
If a wa...
357
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:46,071
If a wife loves her husband,
what is she going to swoff him for?
358
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,191
- And you do, don't you?
- What?
359
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,834
- Love your husband?
- Yes, I do. I do.
360
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,235
- And you love Margo.
- Yes, I do.
361
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,031
- When you do that...
- Now, Jerry...
362
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,196
Stop starting that again.
363
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,511
Jerry...
364
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,712
why are you putting the dishes in the freezer?
365
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,271
Because that is a dishwasher.
366
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,470
It's not, you know.
367
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,152
Where's the dishwasher?
368
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,149
I don't know. (Laughs)
369
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,716
Dishywashy? Dishwashy?
370
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,910
- Dishwasher?
- Dishywashy? Dishwashy?
371
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,553
Dishwasher?
372
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:38,829
(Jerry whistles)
373
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,351
What are you doing, Tom?
374
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,673
I'm writing you a note.
375
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,195
How nice.
376
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,516
I hope it will be, Margo. I hope it will be.
377
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:57,880
What does it say?
378
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,593
It's says, "Dear, Margo..."
379
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,190
- Is that all?
- Yes, well, you see, it's a note of apology,
380
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,038
and I'm not very good at apologising.
381
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,994
Well, perhaps I can help you. Who is it to?
382
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:10,551
You.
383
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:12,839
Oh, yes, of course.
384
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,632
Now, what shall we put?
385
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,398
Well, I've started with "Dear Margo".
386
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,637
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yes, I thought so too. Yes.
387
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:24,629
You see, we treated you very badly today,
and completely wrongly badly.
388
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:29,390
And we had no right to,
because you didn't do anything out of spite.
389
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:33,195
I may be something, Tom, but I am not spiteful.
390
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,751
I am silly, I know that.
391
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:43,471
You tell me who calls you silly, Margo...
and I'll thrash them.
392
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,351
I call me silly.
393
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:49,797
Oh, dear, why?
394
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,394
Because I get into too many huffs.
395
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,956
None of this would have happened this morning
if I hadn't had a huff.
396
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,400
- What beautiful aspirates.
- Thank you.
397
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:06,918
It's just that sometimes I get very tired of
always being the butt of the joke.
398
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,634
It seems to have been
the story of my life somehow.
399
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,910
Do you know something, Margo?
400
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:18,114
That is one of the most infinitely sad things
I've heard in the whole of my life.
401
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,198
Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
402
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:24,630
- lam.
- S0aml.
403
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,671
(Sobs)
404
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,153
I am not a complete woman, Tom.
405
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:41,595
Aren't you?
406
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,191
I haven't got a sense of humour.
407
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,674
Don't you worry, I'll go and get you one.
408
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,875
Do you know
what they used to call me at school?
409
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,718
Margo Leadbetter.
410
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,751
No, I wasn't married then.
411
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,197
They used to call me Starchy.
412
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,471
Is that your maiden name?
413
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,071
It was a term of ridicule.
414
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,798
Starchy Sturgess they used to call me.
415
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,713
Oh, boys can be very cruel.
416
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,751
It was a girls school.
417
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,230
That made it worse, somehow.
418
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,633
You poor soul.
419
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:27,078
I never understood the jokes, you see,
50 I became the butt of them.
420
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,557
I've been the butt ever since.
421
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,232
- Oh, Margo!
- It's true.
422
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,914
No, it's not true, it's not true.
423
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,959
Margo, whatever anybody says,
you are funny.
424
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,632
No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that.
425
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,872
I meant that you do have a sense of humour.
Of course you do.
426
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,951
I don't. I don't.
427
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,511
You do, you do.
428
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,991
Oh, don't do that, please.
429
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,957
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
430
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,031
Look, look, look.
431
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,035
We have laughs, the four of us.
432
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,158
You join in then... sometimes.
433
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,191
Only because it's polite.
434
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,831
I don't know why I'm laughing.
435
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,434
Now... Now, stop that.
436
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,991
Oh, Tom.
437
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,317
You're very manful at times.
438
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,151
And you are very womanful.
439
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,473
No, I'm not.
440
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,279
You can't be womanful if you're starchy.
441
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,391
You are not starchy, Margo.
You are a very attractive woman.
442
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,391
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
443
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,952
And [I'll tell you something else.
444
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,997
You've got a very sexy neck.
445
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,071
Don't be silly.
446
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,511
You've never seen my neck.
447
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,759
I'm looking at it now, Margo.
448
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,719
- Are you?
- Yes, and it's very sexy.
449
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,791
(Jerry and Barbara laughing)
450
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,513
Margo... Margo, I'm terribly sorry.
451
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:14,474
But I've just put a carton of yoghurt
in your washing up machine.
452
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,471
Oh, that's all right.
453
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,233
Tom and I have just been talking.
454
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,311
Well, that's all we've been doing.
455
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,759
Oh! Isn't it wonderful to be friends again'?
456
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:28,834
- Let's open another bottle to celebrate.
- No. No, no, no.
457
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,751
I think I've had more...
458
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,638
Arh...
459
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,711
I can't feel my knees.
460
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,398
- Take me home, Barbara.
- Oh, Tom, I will.
461
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,232
Providing you take me home.
462
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,152
- With pleasure.
- Will you?
463
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,800
Of course, it's going to have to be moved again.
464
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,520
Oh, yes. What is?
465
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:52,036
The windbreak, it's still not in the right place
for you, is it?
466
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,111
I can't keep track. Is it?
467
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,075
- Either yes or no.
- No, it isn't.
468
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,798
- Hey, I know.
- What, what?
469
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,871
Let's move it now.
470
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:02,909
Now?
471
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,997
Now! Righto.
472
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,356
Come on, Margo. This is a laugh, isn't it?
473
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,749
Why?
474
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,631
Why is it?
475
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:21,557
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
476
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:24,758
Let me do it. Let me do it now.
Stop it. Now, seriously.
477
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,592
- On the command: Lift...
- Lift!
478
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:33,670
Lift.
479
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,751
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
480
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,712
To me, to me.
481
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,034
Please tell me why it's funny.
482
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,071
Please.
483
00:28:49,121 --> 00:28:53,671
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