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1
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(Bellows) Tom! Lunch is ready.
2
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TOM: Coming!
3
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TOM: Ow!
4
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,593
- Oh...!
- What's wrong?
5
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,836
Oh, Tom, you haven't done your back again?
6
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,951
No, no, no, I... (Groans)
7
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,957
I've just been butted.
8
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,753
- (Chuckles)
- Well, don't laugh. (Groans)
9
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,918
- Who by? (Laughs)
- Well, it wasn't one of the chickens.
10
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:16,516
- It was that killer goat of ours.
- What, little Geraldine?
11
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,473
Little Geraldine? Rhinoceros in goat's clothing.
12
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I never have any trouble with her.
13
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:25,035
- No, well, you wouldn't. All girls together.
- (Chuckles)
14
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,071
Yeah. Why's she suddenly got so stroppy?
15
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,673
- Puberty.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
16
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Goats don't have puberty.
17
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,880
- Do they?
- That's what she told me.
18
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,197
Oh, you don't have to go to America
to see Disneyland. It's right here.
19
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,596
Oh, stop moaning and eat your lunch.
It's a nice soup.
20
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,349
Oh, smashing. I think it's this leek soup
that's giving me these muscles.
21
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,471
Oh, that's a shame, cos it's not leek.
22
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,635
- It is.
- It's not.
23
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,271
That's funny. I could have sworn
I'd put some potatoes in there.
24
00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:00,278
- You picked some leeks from the garden.
- No, I didn't.
25
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,878
- Well, I didn't.
- So?
26
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,080
Huh. I'm saying
I didn't pick any leeks from the garden.
27
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,994
Now, let's see. You didn't pick any leeks,
and I didn't pick any leeks.
28
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,111
That's why we're having potato soup.
29
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,476
- No, no, you're missing the point.
- Only because it's so obscure.
30
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,751
Look, you haven't picked any leeks
and I haven't picked any leeks,
31
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,474
but some leeks are missing,
so what's happened to them?
32
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,670
- Are you sure?
- Aml sure?
33
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,678
Is a shepherd sure
when some of his flock go missing?
34
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:32,793
I planted 96 leeks.
There are now only 88. That's six short.
35
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,513
- Eight.
- I said eight.
36
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,916
Perhaps they died.
Perhaps the cat's been watering them.
37
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,910
That wouldn't make them disappear.
No. Somebody's been pinching them.
38
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,916
- Oh.
- Think we ought to call the police?
39
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,874
Well, I don't quite see the Flying Squad
belting down here over eight leeks.
40
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,275
No. Perhaps they've got a Leek Squad.
41
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,516
- They'd be Welsh.
- Yeah.
42
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,318
Long way to come, isn't it? We won't bother.
43
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:03,510
All right.
44
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,594
Honestly, if the traffic in London
gets much worse, it's going to grind to a halt.
45
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:14,156
Do you know, it took me 45 minutes
to get across London Bridge this evening?
46
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,113
Good Lord!
That's 15 minutes more than last week.
47
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,356
And to cap it all, just as I turn into The Avenue,
48
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,597
some stupid bitch on a Yamaha
nearly took my wing mirror off.
49
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,873
It wouldn't be Miss Mountshaft, by any chance,
hurrying to rehearse The Sound Of Music?
50
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:31,676
Please, don't mention that show. You don't know
what it's like being married to Julie Andrews.
51
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:35,270
(Laughs) Oh, come on, Jerry!
Getting that part could make Margo a star.
52
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,277
At Surbiton Town Hall?
53
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,311
In any case, she's totally mis...
54
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:44,193
She's totally miscast. I mean,
can you really see Margo as an apprentice nun?
55
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,037
- Well...
- Can you, Tom?
56
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,675
- What?
- Can you see Margo as an apprentice nun?
57
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,190
They're called apostates, aren't they?
Or is that an operation?
58
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,031
Do tell me if I'm boring you, won't you?
59
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,594
Oh, sorry. No, I was just looking at my leeks.
60
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,711
In case they elope with the Brussels sprouts?
61
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:07,231
Somebody's pinching them.
Once was all right, but it's three times now.
62
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,030
Really! You and your vegetables!
63
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,596
You're about as boring as Margo
and her Sound Of bloody Music.
64
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,359
4 Ray - a drop of golden sun
65
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:18,879
4 Me...
66
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,831
I'm sorry to be so long,
67
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:25,078
but one does have to keep such a careful eye
on c�telette d'agneau au Duo de la Galette.
68
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,991
Oh, lovely! Lamb cutlets.
69
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,715
Yes. Well, I thought meat for the main course,
70
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,195
because your blood gets so little iron, Barbara.
71
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,279
- Oh, we do eat spinach.
- Well, it's hardly the same thing, is it?
72
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,755
Dessert is going to be a total surprise,
73
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,475
so I thought we'd start with something
terribly predictable - leek soup.
74
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,351
- Pardon?
- Leek soup.
75
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,072
- Fresh leeks?
- Of course.
76
00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:59,591
Why the significant glances?
77
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,473
Well... some leeks
are missing from our front garden.
78
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,156
Not that you're not welcome to them, Margo...
79
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,589
Tom,
you should have joined the diplomatic corps.
80
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,711
Well, I wasn't implying that she stole them.
81
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,153
Please tell me what that is.
82
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,160
- Its a bill from Harrods.
- Thank you.
83
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,750
And would you please read aloud
the item under "Quail's eggs'?
84
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:27,678
- Two pounds of leeks.
- Thank you very much. I rest my case.
85
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,953
Oh, Margo! There's no case to answer.
I wasn't accusing you of anything.
86
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,039
- Oh, I thought you were.
- Of course we weren't!
87
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,358
Our best friend, somebody who gives us meat
and a super-surprise dessert.
88
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,710
I can't wait to see what it is, Margo.
89
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,592
It's Bombe Surprise.
90
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,517
Oh, dear!
91
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,917
Oh, no, whoever it is that's pinching our leeks
is a nasty piece of work... like Jerry.
92
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,554
Yes. 16 he's had now. 16.
93
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,238
- You number them?
- Certainly.
94
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,951
And know them all by name, presumably!
95
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,355
(Chuckles) What a lot of fuss about nothing.
96
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,791
It's not nothing to us.
It's not just leeks - it's part of our capital.
97
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,592
And however many it is, it's stealing.
98
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,711
I couldn't agree more, Tom.
99
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,997
But you never agree with Tom.
100
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,032
Well, I do on this occasion.
101
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,276
This leek business is symptomatic
102
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,676
of the moral decline
since the fall of the Conservative government.
103
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,600
If it isn't young girls
with obscene innuendi on their T-shirts,
104
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,873
it's trades-union leaders haranguing us
from the safety of a television studio.
105
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,276
It's open-neck shirts and trouser suits
at the Dorchester.
106
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:38,030
It's "Monday to Friday" becoming
"Monday thru Friday". T-H-R-U, by the way.
107
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:43,439
And to cap it all, it's Test matches
being marred by banner-waving thugs at Lord's.
108
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,000
Well, that's opened up the discussion a bit.
109
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,314
Very well. Let's confine it to leeks.
110
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,192
Oh, God. Where's the alcohol?
111
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,632
Whoever is stealing them is showing a disregard
for private property and should be punished.
112
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,718
Right. They still chop thieves' hands off
in Saudi Arabia.
113
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,673
What do you propose doing?
Lying in wait with a scimitar?
114
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,553
I mean I have a right to protect my property,
and I intend to.
115
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:10,912
Yes, and I won't be standing in the background.
I shall be in there with a garden rake.
116
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:15,397
Well, I think you're taking this far too seriously.
You're making mountains out of molehills.
117
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,239
- Better than taking nothing seriously.
- What do you mean?
118
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,590
Well... music, for example.
119
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:25,077
I mean, most blokes would be proud to have
their wives play the lead in The Sound Of Music.
120
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,917
- What has Jerry been saying?
- Oh... I don't want to tell tales.
121
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,873
I don't expect he meant it, anyway.
122
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,151
Jerry...
123
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,079
What have you been saying
about The Sound Of Music?
124
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,871
- (Whispers) Tom...
- (Gasps)
125
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:08,032
- Don't do that.
- Now, look, you can't stay here all night.
126
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,515
It's ridiculous. Now, come to bed. Come on.
127
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:15,111
All right. They must pinch them at night, though.
We're always about in the day.
128
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,310
- Shh. Listen.
- (Footsteps)
129
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,878
All right. Stay where you are.
This is a citizen's arrest.
130
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,797
Can you hear me? Bloody sauce!
131
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,872
- (Air gun fires)
- (Gasps)
132
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,191
And let that be a lesson to you!
133
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,034
Are you sure
that goat went for you again this morning?
134
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,991
Yes, I had to run the gauntlet again.
135
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,510
It's funny. Just been licking my hand.
136
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:13,191
Yeah, all right. So, you've got a way with goats.
I've got a way with teapots.
137
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,753
Pow, pow, pow! Pow, pow!
138
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,710
Pow-ow! Pow-ow! Pow...
139
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,151
(Coughing)
140
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:02,559
Well, Wyatt, when you've cleaned up Dodge
City, could you do the same with the pigsty?
141
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,399
Yeah, OK, OK. I was just erm...
142
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,114
Playing cowboys.
I'm worried about you, you know.
143
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,039
Ever since you pelleted that bloke,
you've been gun-crazy.
144
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,593
Nonsense.
145
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,759
Mind you, I'd have been all right, wouldn't I,
in Dodge City and places like that?
146
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,518
What as? A dance-hall girl?
147
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,599
Look, that was a pretty fancy piece of shooting,
you know.
148
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:29,636
To get a bloke in the backside - one shot,
in the dark, at a hundred yards - can't be bad.
149
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,591
Not like missing a chicken at six inches.
150
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,913
It ducked, Barbara.
Will you kindly remember that?
151
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,396
No, this was different.
This was a different feeling, something basic.
152
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:43,479
Like a homesteader defending his land
from Indians. Hurons, probably.
153
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,512
Not in Texas.
Hurons are bald and come from Canada.
154
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,471
- Well, how would you know?
- I read it.
155
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,751
- Where? Where's your source?
- Your Boy's Book Of Knowledge.
156
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,555
Don't split hairs. I'm just saying
that thief got what he deserved, and I'm glad.
157
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,672
- So am I.
- He meddled with the fastest gun in Surbiton.
158
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,911
- (Doorbell)
- Oh, front door. I'll go.
159
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,591
I hope he's a driving instructor.
160
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,156
I hope he has to sit down all day.
That'll teach him. (Chuckles)
161
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:24,790
- Who was it?
- An Officer of the Court. You know that thief?
162
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:28,390
- Yes.
- The swine's doing me for common assault.
163
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,678
Very well. Now, Mr Bennett,
164
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:44,159
in consideration of the cross-summons brought
against you by Mr Good, I have this to say.
165
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:49,320
You have, on your own admission, stolen
a total of 18 leeks from Mr Good's garden.
166
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,232
Such a theft
might be considered by some to be petty.
167
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,794
I consider theft to be theft.
168
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,834
I therefore set your fine at �10.
Have you anything to say?
169
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,350
- No, sir.
- Very well. You may step down.
170
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,719
- Now, Mr Good...
- Oh... yes?
171
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,873
You, on your own admission,
did shoot Mr Bennett
172
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,957
in the left buttock with an airgun pellet.
173
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,877
- True.
- I know it's true.
174
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,520
- Sorry.
- I am, of course, totally unable
175
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,279
to condone you
taking the law into your own hands.
176
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,711
The law is enforced
by a fairly well-known body of men and women
177
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,990
known as the Metropolitan Police. (Chuckles)
178
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,114
(Jerry laughs sycophantically)
179
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,549
I would ask you to bear this in mind.
180
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,753
Nevertheless, I am cognisant of the fact
that your lifestyle is somewhat unusual,
181
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,792
and therefore,
18 leeks have rather more significance for you
182
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,956
than they do for a... normal person.
183
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,230
I am therefore prepared to show leniency.
184
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,556
You will be bound over for three months.
185
00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:00,237
- Have you anything to say?
- Thank you, sir. Yes, I have.
186
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,513
I would like to add this.
187
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,391
I have, in the past...
188
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,671
frequently thought of judges and magistrates
as pompous old twits.
189
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,550
- Have you?
- Yes. But...
190
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,878
.l was impressed by the way
you conducted yourself this morning.
191
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,359
And I realise that the establishment says
that I must have a token slap on the wrist.
192
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,993
This I accept.
193
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,316
How kind of you. I must, however, point out
194
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,910
that being bound over
is rather more than "a token slap on the wrist".
195
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,553
- Is it?
- Yes, it is.
196
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,831
- Oh.
- It means you will sign a solemn undertaking
197
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,474
to be a law-abiding citizen
for the next three months.
198
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,670
- Oh, I will.
- Very well, then.
199
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,633
Unless some other joker
comes and pinches my stuff.
200
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:51,200
Mr Good, when the law passes sentence,
the culprit is not empowered to add provisos.
201
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:56,196
Oh! Oh.
202
00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:00,154
Well, in that case, I can't accept the law.
I shall have to refuse to be bound over.
203
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,191
- But you can't.
- I just have.
204
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:05,073
- You can't.
- Now, look. Look. Now, look.
205
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,238
I can't make a promise I might have to break.
If I am provoked...
206
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,271
I'm the one who's being provoked.
207
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,833
Clerk...
208
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,520
- Get out while you're winning, you bloody fool!
- No.
209
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,915
- Language, Jerry!
- Don't you, Tom!
210
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,712
- Don't worry. I won't.
- Be quiet.
211
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,433
Very well. Thank you.
212
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,836
Mr Good,
I must warn you that, unless you reconsider,
213
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,032
I shall have no alternative
but to implement what the law demands
214
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,878
in the situation you have created.
215
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,560
I'm very sorry, but I've got principles of my own.
216
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:36,478
I cannot promise not to defend what's mine,
even if I go to prison for... one or two days.
217
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,433
- And that is your final word?
- ltis.
218
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,632
In that case,
you will go to prison for 28 days to reconsider.
219
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,397
- 28?
- Next case.
220
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,349
Hello. How you been?
221
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,032
- Hello.
- Hello.
222
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:33,312
- Are you all right?
- Me? Yeah, I'm all right. Are you all right?
223
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,074
- Yes, I'm all right.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
224
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,436
How's Pentonville?
225
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,591
- I don't like it very much.
- No.
226
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,996
- Is it warm out?
- Yes.
227
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,154
Bit muggy.
228
00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,316
- I work in the Kitchens.
- Do you?
229
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,671
- Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.
- What?
230
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,916
One of our warders here keeps parakeets.
231
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,349
- Does he?
- Yeah. Mr Richards, his name is.
232
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,958
- Have... have you seen them?
- What?
233
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,709
- His parakeets.
- Oh, no. Well, they're in his house.
234
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,074
Oh, yes, of course.
They would be, wouldn't they?
235
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:28,037
- Why are we having this conversation?
- Oh, I don't know. Oh, Tom, I do miss you!
236
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:32,233
I miss you too, love. There are 2,000 of us
in here, but it's ever so lonely.
237
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,839
- Not all in the same cell?
- Oh, no, no.
238
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:42,720
- I've started a tunnel, you know.
- Oh? I thought you might.
239
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,357
Oh, yes. If my reckoning is correct, I should
come out on the platform at Baker Street station.
240
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,631
Make sure you miss the rush hour.
241
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,312
Look, love... l did do the right thing, didn't 1?
242
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,079
- Of course you did.
- I didn't think it would cost 28 days.
243
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,953
- 26 now.
- Blimey. Is that all I've done?
244
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,478
Doesn't time drag in prison?
245
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,874
- Do you want to see Jerry?
- I didn't realise he was here.
246
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,912
- Mm, he brought me.
- Oh, he is a good friend, isn't he?
247
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,473
You are asilly sod.
248
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,715
- Thanks very much. Keeping well?
- Well, you and your precious principles.
249
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,559
You couldn't just say, "Thank you, sir,"
and go home.
250
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,796
Couldn't just crawl, like a sensible person.
251
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,638
- No, I couldn't.
- No, he couldn't.
252
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,433
Anyway, I've done two days.
26 more, and that'll be that.
253
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,678
Oh, no, it won't. This 28 days
isn't an alternative to being bound over.
254
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,950
You've just been sent here to think things out.
255
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,676
And then, if you still refuse to be bound over,
you'll get another 28 days, and so on and so on.
256
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,712
- But that's not fair.
- I could be here for years.
257
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,832
Well, then, agree to be bound over.
You could be home tomorrow.
258
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,440
There's only one thing to say
to such abject surrender.
259
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,073
Oh, dear. What?
260
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,919
Warder... l wanna see the guv'nor.
261
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,159
- Well there it is.
- Yeah.
262
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,271
I feel like the Count of Monte Cristo.
263
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,391
- Card for you.
- From you?
264
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,431
Mm-hm.
265
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,833
(Chuckles)
266
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,871
"Welcome home, Scarf ace."
267
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,718
- Most women would have cried.
- I did when you were in prison.
268
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,080
Thank you.
269
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,954
Mmm. Home, home, home.
They call it your castle, don't they? And it is.
270
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,913
- Shall we build a drawbridge?
- Sometimes I'd like to.
271
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,715
Sometimes I'd like to make our house
an independent state, with its own laws,
272
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,558
where we could lock ourselves away.
273
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,399
That's rich,
considering where you've come from!
274
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,717
Oh, thank you very much! Yeah.
Rake up my criminal record.
275
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,553
- Oh, I'm tired.
- Why? Haven't you been sleeping?
276
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,591
No, not tired.
277
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,310
Tired.
278
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,190
- Oh, I see.
279
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,600
Well, it's traditional. Returning prisoner and wife.
280
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:22,395
Hm. And we mustn't let these old traditions die,
must we?
281
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,037
Surprise, surprise!
282
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,597
Welcome home, Tom!
283
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,519
Oh, my goodness.
You've got an awful prison pallor about you.
284
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,231
- After three days?
- Here we are, then.
285
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,317
This'll bring the roses back to his cheeks.
286
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,432
- Oh, Jerry, how lovely!
- And may I say, Tom,
287
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,120
how proud I am of the stand you have taken?
288
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,912
And I don't care who knows it.
289
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,759
But if anyone should ask,
you've been on holiday.
290
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,558
- Ah, well, that's going to be a bit awkward.
- Why?
291
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,639
I'm giving a party for the lads who got out
with me, and when they meet the neighbours...
292
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,956
- They mustn't!
- Oh, come on, Margo.
293
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,709
You'll like them. They're nice fellows.
Especially Sledgehammer Harris.
294
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,230
Oh, was that the one
that kept calling you Pistol this morning?
295
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,749
No, that was Slicer Wanstead.
296
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,711
- Any Mafia people?
- One or two.
297
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,070
(Jerry chuckles)
298
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:19,591
Who was it said,
"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit"? (Laughs)
299
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,114
Well, it's great to be home.
Let's get this down us.
300
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,436
Yes, well, I think we ought to have a toast.
301
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,596
Right. Do you want us sitting or standing?
302
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,758
Standing, I think, Barbara. Jerry...
303
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,871
- What?
- Toast, please, Jerry.
304
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,319
Oh. Er...
305
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,716
Er. to absent friends, at the Ville.
306
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,229
- (Barbara sniggers)
- Jerry! I'll do it.
307
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,832
Here's to Tom.
308
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,590
Although I often find his general behaviour
irritating in the extreme,
309
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,599
I think we all applaud him for having the courage
to go to prison,
310
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,916
rather than kowtow to authority,
311
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,429
which is biased in favour of the yahoo.
312
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,553
Tom...
313
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,639
Well, I did kowtow in the end.
I signed my piece of paper, didn't 1?
314
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,513
Oh, you did everything you could.
Don't blame yourself.
315
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,996
No, I don't blame myself.
I blame that moron who stole the leeks.
316
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:19,113
- So do l. I hope he gets leek poisoning.
- And I hope that inflation cripples him.
317
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,912
What a lovely lot you are!
318
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,873
Come on. It's all in the past.
Forgive and forget. Eh, Tom?
319
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,154
Well... how shall I put it?
320
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,476
Erm... no.
321
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,953
(Jerry chuckles)
322
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,398
Hello.
323
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,669
(Sullenly) Hello.
324
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,949
It got a bit out of hand, didn't it?
325
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,116
Yes, it did a bit.
326
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,390
Look, Mr Good... could we have a chat?
327
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,317
No.
328
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,240
Ah, go on. Please.
329
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,799
All right, then. You'd better come in the house.
330
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,116
Ah!
331
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,036
There are 74 leeks there.
332
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,071
Sit down.
333
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,274
I've called before, a couple of times.
334
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,277
Yes, and left with a handful of leeks.
335
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,950
No, I mean just recently.
Well, I wanted to talk to you.
336
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,719
Well, I wouldn't have been in, would 1?
I was in prison.
337
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,673
- Look, Mr Good, I feel awful about this...
- Just...
338
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,993
I don't normally steal things
from people's gardens.
339
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,079
- Then why start with me?
- Well, it's a bit difficult to explain, really.
340
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,512
I live in this block of flats, you see.
Concrete everywhere.
341
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,551
We don't even own a window box.
342
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:19,117
Somehow, to keep walking by your garden
every day and seeing those fresh vegetables...
343
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,676
Oh, being a have-not
entitles you to become an I-will-take, does it?
344
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:27,078
No. I'm just trying to make you understand
that it was... well, an aberration.
345
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,351
Yes. Well, there are too many people
aberrating today. Far too many.
346
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,631
"Yes, I did hijack that plane, My Lord,
but it was only an aberration."
347
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,350
"Yes, I pumped out the tanks off Cornwall.
I must have had a quick aberrate."
348
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,960
Look, I'm not talking about the big things.
349
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,119
I'm talking about the little things,
when you pretend it really doesn't matter.
350
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,117
It's cheating. That's what it really is.
351
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,074
It's like taking the ball with one foot
over the boundary and claiming the catch.
352
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,872
I fail to see...
353
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,990
- Oh, you... you play cricket, do you?
- Yes.
354
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,836
- Cup of tea?
- Oh, thank you. Yes.
355
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,193
- Who do you play for?
- Ah, a local Sunday side.
356
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,436
No great shakes.
357
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,676
(Chuckles) I er...
358
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,636
I had a trial for the Surrey Colts once.
359
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:23,435
No? Really? Well, what do you do? Bat? Bowl?
360
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,915
- Bit of both. Bit of both.
- Uh-huh.
361
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,749
Yes, I go in number four,
to help the score along.
362
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,679
- Splendid.
- Bowl a bit of swinger stuff, you know.
363
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,236
The one that leaves the bat
and the one that nips back off the seam.
364
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,840
Ah. Now, there's the ball
I've never been able to bowl.
365
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:45,953
Haven't you, really? Oh.
Well, it's just a matter of getting the right grip.
366
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,591
(Chuckles)
367
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,758
I told my wife to leave that job to me.
368
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:58,032
Is she in? I'd really like to apologise to her, too.
369
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,230
Well, she's grazing the goat. Sit down.
370
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,238
Anyway, getting back to the ball
that nips back off the seam...
371
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,954
I remember chatting to Alec Bedser about it.
372
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,479
- Well
- Yes.
373
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,433
You see,
the real secret, the art of the thing is...
374
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,279
Er... well, I can't really show you without a ball.
375
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,112
- Look, Mr Good...
- Tom.
376
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:21,189
Tom. You wouldn't open for us, would you?
I mean, if you have a free Sunday.
377
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,197
Pardon? Oh, er...
378
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,232
Ah. Er... yeah. Well, the thing is er...
379
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,874
- Harry.
- Harry. The thing is, I'd love to, but...
380
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,072
Well, it's the garden.
You've got to keep on top of it.
381
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:33,758
Yes, quite.
382
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,952
Oh, Lord. That brings up
the subject of leeks again, doesn't it?
383
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,039
Oh, blow the leeks, Harry!
Who cares about 18 leeks?
384
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:45,836
No, I had no right to take that summons out
against you. But that pellet did hurt.
385
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:51,037
- You had every right to take out that summons.
- And you had every right to shoot me.
386
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,799
Well, perhaps I did, but let me say this.
387
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,912
It takes generosity of spirit
to apologise the way you have.
388
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,156
It was the least I could do.
389
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,559
Look... couldn't you even open perhaps
one Sunday in the month, next season?
390
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,069
- We'll see, eh?
- OK.
391
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:16,349
Look, Tom, I don't want to appear rude,
but... I'm a painter and decorator.
392
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,357
There's nothing wrong in that, Harry.
393
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:25,152
No, I mean I did notice that your
exterior paintwork does need a bit of redoing.
394
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,476
Yes, It is a bit tatty, isn't it, Harry?
395
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,318
Well, I'll do it for you. I'd like to.
396
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,636
Don't be silly, Harry.
397
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,389
No. I paid that fine to the court,
you know, not to you.
398
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,353
Well, I just feel
that I owe you something personally.
399
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,596
Look, I wouldn't be able to do it till next month,
400
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,439
but what if I come on Sunday,
and we talk about colours?
401
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,518
- But you'll be playing cricket.
- It's the football season.
402
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,234
Oh, yes, yes! (Laughs)
403
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,271
Well, if you really insist, Harry.
404
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,596
- 1 do, Tom. I do.
- But now, listen.
405
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:58,589
Any time you're passing and fancy some leeks,
you take them. Don't ask me. Just help yourself.
406
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:02,074
- No, I couldn't do that.
- I won't let you paint my house.
407
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,673
- All right.
- Right.
408
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:06,711
(Chuckles)
409
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,470
- Gosh, it's nice tea, this.
- Oh, thanks.
410
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,831
Er... Harry, what do you think of our magistrate?
411
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,440
If you ask me,
I thought he was a bit power-crazed.
412
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,950
- My sentiments exactly.
- I'll bet he's never played cricket.
413
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,310
Well, of course he hasn't.
414
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,510
He'd probably think Tony Greig is a grocer's.
415
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,516
- Yes!
- (Laughs)
416
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,798
Oh, what about a drop of wine?
417
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,070
Well...
418
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,111
Good Lord - is that the time? No, I'd love to,
419
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,278
but I have to pick up a prescription
for Pauline's leg.
420
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:43,359
Oh, quite. Well... Sunday, perhaps.
421
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,879
You're on.
422
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,753
- No, after you, Tom.
- After you, Harry.
423
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,791
- Right.
- (Chuckles)
424
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,234
Ah, well... Sunday, then.
425
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,557
- I'll be there.
- Don't bother about lunch. Eat with us.
426
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,114
- That's very kind of you, Tom.
- My pleasure. Bye.
427
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,958
Bye.
428
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,998
Hey, Harry! Come on - pick some leeks.
429
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,509
Oh, no. Really, I couldn't.
430
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,676
Come on. I told you - help yourself.
431
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,796
All right, Tom. [ will. Thank you.
432
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,750
Your sort never learn, do they?
433
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,519
No, it's... Your husband said it was all right.
434
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,791
Rubbish! Never in a million years.
435
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:42,276
Geraldine, kill! Kill, Geraldine! Killl
436
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,311
Geraldine, kill!
437
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,398
No, Geraldine! No, stay. Heel. Sit!
438
00:28:47,448 --> 00:28:51,998
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