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1
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,119
(Tom singing and hammering)
2
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,151
Tom!
3
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,989
- Tom!
- (Continues singing and hammering)
4
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,358
Oh, shut your face!
5
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,391
(Tom stops singing and hammering)
6
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,351
Did you call, Dame Edith?
7
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,991
(Sniffs) Coffee? Coffee! Wait a minute. I thought
we agreed, only one cup a day after dinner.
8
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,158
Oh, round things to economy for once.
You've earned it.
9
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,838
- Halfers?
- No, it's all for you.
10
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,520
You're the one who's been slaving
in the cellar for a week.
11
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,551
True, true. Righto. Cheers.
12
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,198
Mm.
13
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,514
Ahh! Beautiful.
14
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,958
You didn't save me any.
15
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,595
- You said it was all for me.
- Well, you didn't have to believe me.
16
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,709
- Was that you being incorrigibly feminine?
- Yes.
17
00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,159
- I see.
- How's it coming?
18
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,953
- Nearly finished.
- Oh, you're a genius, you are.
19
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,560
Old Newton had his apple,
Einstein had his relatively,
20
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,591
- I've got my thing in the cellar.
- How is it?
21
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,278
I'm a genius. How should I know?
22
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,072
- (Doorbell)
- I'm out. I'm busy.
23
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,111
Right.
24
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,270
Ahh!
25
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,311
- Hello, Barbara.
- Hello.
26
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,469
You look terribly tired and drawn, dear.
27
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,791
Thank you. Do come in.
28
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,116
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hi, doll face.
29
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,871
(Singing and hammering)
30
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,756
We've just been shopping,
so I bought you a little something.
31
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,634
Oh! Pressies!
Oh, thanks ever so much, I love pressies.
32
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,197
Oh, boy. Candles.
33
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:48,158
Well, I saw the van from the electricity board
yesterday. You've been cut off, haven't you?
34
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,759
Yes, we've been cut off.
35
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,556
Tom driving another nail in the coffin?
36
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,956
But we won't be needing candles,
not even to put round a coffin.
37
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,039
All right, we'll have them back.
Add them to the four gross we've got in the car.
38
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,471
- Are you having your electricity cut off as well?
- Hardly.
39
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,956
No, I'm laying in a stock
to obviate being dictated to
40
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,230
by those Neo-Marxists at the power station.
41
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,633
What did Horace say, Winnie?
42
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,671
Annual event.
43
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,189
Power strikes.
44
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,833
What power strikes?
45
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,554
They are imminent.
Surely you saw the television news...
46
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,990
I'm sorry, Barbara.
I didn't mean to rub salt into the wounds.
47
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,190
You've had to let your television go as well.
48
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,949
Yes, we swapped it
for a 50-gallon effluence digester.
49
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,469
Effluence digester? Who's effluence?
50
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,716
Our animals'.
That's why we won't need candles.
51
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,991
- But you can't make electric light out of pigs'...
- Jerry!
52
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,595
Can you?
53
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,598
Tom can. He's making a generator in the cellar.
54
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,631
This I've got to see.
55
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,071
Barbara.
56
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,476
Now, you know me, dear.
I never speak out of turn but...
57
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:59,878
Look, don't you think it's time
Tom saw a specialist?
58
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:06,479
I mean, this whole do-it-yourself, go-it-alone
business is bordering on the psychopathic.
59
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:12,559
If he's convinced he can knock up a generator
by himself, it's time he had psychiatric help.
60
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:17,720
Yes, well, I had thought of giving Freud a ring,
but I haven't got a telephone.
61
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,751
Well, you could always use...
62
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,311
(Whistling)
63
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,671
(Door closes)
64
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,029
Is Leonardo da Vinci at home? I heard that...
65
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,911
Gordon Bennett!
66
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,917
- (Laughs)
- Go on, go on, laugh. Go on.
67
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,634
I happen to think
I've just created perpetual motion here.
68
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,671
But nothings moving.
69
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,799
I haven't started it yet.
70
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:55,595
What do you have to do? Light the blue
touch paper and retire immediately?
71
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,711
Stop, or I'll make you drink my home-made
wine!
72
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,478
All right, all right, I give in.
73
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,272
How does it work?
74
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,119
50 gallons of muck, right?
Pigs', chickens', goats'.
75
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:07,278
- Wonderful start.
- Right. All decaying away like mad.
76
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,311
- Creating...?
- A pong.
77
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,635
Methane!
78
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,389
Now, the gas comes out of there at the top,
along here and into this.
79
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,351
What have you got in there? Deodorant?
80
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,719
Iron filings to take out the hydrogen sulphide.
Yes, I am cleverer than I look.
81
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,797
I thought you must be.
82
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,638
- What happens then?
- Ah.
83
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,877
It goes along here, up there, along here,
round the back here.
84
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,594
By the way down here
and into a big pile of wood shavings.
85
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,631
Now, I'm drying my gas at this stage.
86
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,754
Now, this might look like
an old diesel generator to you.
87
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,916
- Yes, it does.
- That's because it is.
88
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,599
- Except that it's fuelled by methane.
- Methane?
89
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,836
You're in-thane! (Chuckles)
90
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,753
No, seriously, it's very ingenious,
but it will never work.
91
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,394
No, clever dick? Switch the light on, will you?
92
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,473
Ooh! The glare. Dazzling me.
93
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,670
I'lhold your head under
in my effluence digester in a minute.
94
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,917
- I haven't spun my wheel yet.
- So spin it. Rien ne va plus.
95
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,951
- (Chuckles)
- (Mimics)
96
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,871
Now, come on, my little darling.
Just for me, just this once.
97
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,671
(Wheezing whir)
98
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,031
It works! It works!
99
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,996
Well, you might say well done
or give me a cigar.
100
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,031
- Yes, it's very good.
- But? But?
101
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,835
If you're gonna have to stand there spinning
that thing every time you want a light,
102
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,838
isn't life going to get a bit... samey?
103
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,269
- That was the overture.
- This is the symphony.
104
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,112
(Clanking and whirring)
105
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,551
Just the one movement, eh?
106
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,391
Watch it, just watch it.
107
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,280
(Clanking and whirring)
108
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,996
- (Laughs)
- Shut up, shut up.
109
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,151
(Rapid clanking and whirring)
110
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,596
- And behold, there was light.
- Yes. Congratulations, Tom.
111
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:07,436
Thanks.
112
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,756
All right, all right, you've convinced me.
113
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,791
- Turn it off.
- Right.
114
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,438
It does seem a lot of trouble to go to
to light one light bulb.
115
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:23,479
Look, that's banging out enough electricity
to light the house and run the deep freeze.
116
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,511
Good Lord.
117
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:29,394
What, you do all this on a load of pigs'...
118
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:30,839
- doodah?
- Yes.
119
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:34,111
Waste not, want not.
Pick it up and stoke it, that's what I say.
120
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,634
- You'll never pay another electricity bill.
- No.
121
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:42,151
If I could develop an H20 tablet,
the water board can go and drown itself as well.
122
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,918
- Margo and I spend a fortune on electricity.
- Of course you do.
123
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,271
You're gadget-mad.
Electric toothbrushes, electric swizzle sticks.
124
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,711
If they developed an electric gas oven,
you'd have one.
125
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,195
One must take the back break out of life,
mustn't one?
126
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,517
Oh, yes, brushing your teeth,
stirring your drinks, striking matches.
127
00:07:58,560 --> 00:07:59,880
Exhausting, isn't it?
128
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,038
I can't help it
if luxury and I are mutually attractive.
129
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,912
Well, I've got no time for it these days.
130
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,679
Oughtn't you be getting rid of
this deep freezer thing?
131
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:11,236
- Swap it for a crossbow?
- A luxury isn't a luxury when it's essential.
132
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,352
When we do our pigs in,
there'll be a year's supply of pork in there.
133
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,950
Seems a bit ungrateful
when they're supplying the fuel to run the thing.
134
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,591
True, true.
135
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,836
It's a dog's life being a pig, isn't it?
136
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,351
(Wheezing whir)
137
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,511
(Clanking)
138
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,516
Do you mind if I have the door open?
139
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,838
I know I went to Senegal on my holidays
last year, but I really can't take this heat.
140
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,269
It is getting a bit Kew Garden-ish, isn't it?
141
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:49,349
As Tom makes you economise on everything,
I'm surprised he allows a fire when it's so mild.
142
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,836
Well, considering it helps to heat our bathwater
and cook our meals,
143
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,996
it would be a bit silly to ask him to put it out.
144
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,111
- Ever loyal.
- (Thud)
145
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,958
- Ooh, what's that?
- Ah!
146
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,991
My bread!
147
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,720
I think I might have used too much mixture.
148
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,280
You erm... you have to make your own, do you?
149
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,833
Want to.
150
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,598
Well, you must admit, I got it to rise.
151
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,477
I think I'd better put it out to cool.
152
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,714
Hello, hello.
153
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,320
Hello, Margo. Nice bit of thigh.
154
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,351
Barbara!
155
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,474
It works, doesn't it? Your smile's got dimples.
156
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,596
So has your little bum! Give us a cuddle.
157
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,712
- Jerry, look at the state of your trousers.
- Get off!
158
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,752
This is no time for trousers.
This is a time for rejoicing.
159
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,872
Fill the mead cup and drain the barrel.
Wassail, wassail.
160
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,719
I'm sorry, Tom,
but I cannot go into transports of delight
161
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,990
every time you accomplish some little thing.
162
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,959
Some little thing?
163
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,355
The miracle of light - some little thing?
164
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,914
Be fair, Margo,
the man's just built his own generator.
165
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,396
Very well. If it will make everyone happy
if I say "Congratulations, Tom,"
166
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,431
then, congratulations, Tom.
167
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,472
You always were the one
for the spontaneous outburst.
168
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,717
Well, it does seem to require
the most enormous amount of effort.
169
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,718
I mean,
I'd sooner pay the electricity bills, personally.
170
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,354
I'd sooner you paid the electricity bills,
personally.
171
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,598
Meaning what, Jerry?
172
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,520
When I come home from the office,
our house looks like the Blackpool illuminations.
173
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,359
So you want me to stumble about in the dark,
do you?
174
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,199
You might consider
the price of electricity sometimes.
175
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,710
I'm very sorry, Jerry.
Perhaps we ought to live in an almshouse.
176
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,639
You'd be a marvellous photographer -
you enlarge everything.
177
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,034
That's not a very fair remark,
178
00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:01,074
coming from someone who's forbidden me
to burn a light bulb in my own house.
179
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,236
I'm just saying, you might save it sometimes.
180
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,830
When you're upstairs and you come downstairs,
turn off the light upstairs.
181
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,235
- And fall down the stairs.
- What?
182
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:14,434
If you want me to fall down the stairs, why
don't you trip me up or loosen the stair rods
183
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,154
or simply throw me bodily down
and have done with it?
184
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,350
- Don't tempt me.
TOM: Shut up!
185
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,556
Now, look, I am the centre of attraction
at the moment.
186
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,114
Unless I do my nude clog dance
on the draining board.
187
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,071
Ah! Unless you do your nude clog dance, yes.
188
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,954
In the meantime,
it's Tom Good and his magic switch.
189
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,795
On, off. On, off.
190
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,399
On.
191
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:37,760
Off.
192
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,360
And his lovely assistant Rita
who does it left-handed.
193
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,869
On, off. On, off, On, off!
194
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,675
Thank you, Rita.
For my next trick I shall make Margo smile.
195
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,711
You two really are...
196
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,672
You're getting a bit above yourselves. Anybody
would think you invented electricity itself.
197
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,314
At least you agree with me on something, Jerry.
198
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,318
Even if you did start a silly argument
in front of Tom and Barbara
199
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,192
and threaten to throw me down the stairs.
200
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,679
I'll come back to my original point.
I would rather rely on the National Grid system.
201
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,599
Unless, of course, there are power cuts.
202
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,354
What's that, Barbara?
203
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,997
Well, this mob of Neo-Marxists
down the power station are threatening cuts.
204
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,839
- Imminent, you said, Margo?
- Imminent.
205
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,760
Likely. Possible. I mean, it's all the same word.
206
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,270
Well, I hope they change their minds.
I mean, power cuts can be rotten.
207
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,789
Especially for people
without their own generators.
208
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,912
For people without their own generators,
it will be terrible.
209
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:37,431
Power cuts cause accidents sometimes.
People falling downstairs in the dark.
210
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,471
Yes. Quite, quite.
211
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,194
It must be rotten not to have your own
generator.
212
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,551
- You two are bloody unbearable, aren't you?
- Fairly.
213
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,511
I'll be unbearable now. What's for lunch?
214
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,358
Bread and cheese.
215
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:54,190
We are having game soup, smoked salmon,
and a rather drinkable bottle of hock.
216
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,629
- Are you ready, Margo?
- Bravo, Jerry.
217
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,239
A point to us.
218
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,833
I will say this, Tom and Barbara...
219
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,077
pride has been known to come before a fall.
220
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,590
Oh, well. Don't forget your candles.
221
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,631
Thank you very much.
222
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,640
- (Chuckles)
- Dear old Margo. I do like her.
223
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,559
I don't know. She offers herself
up to the slaughter so readily.
224
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,910
- Hey. Bread and cheese!
- Right. Cheese.
225
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,951
Right.
226
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,914
Ah! (Sniffs) Good old Geraldine.
227
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,440
- Bread?
- Bread.
228
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,471
Right.
229
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,154
Come along, woman, I'm starving. Food, food!
230
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,198
Ah...
231
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:48,715
Bread.
232
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,111
Bread?
233
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,796
What are you having?
234
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,753
You know, your back garden
looks just as ridiculous as your front garden.
235
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,992
Hello, Jerry.
236
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:26,236
Pigs said their first word yet?
237
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,873
They put on 5Ib last week.
238
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,912
Look at the size of those beans -
broad, French, dwarfs, runners.
239
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:35,193
I'm picking radishes and lettuces.
The goat gave us a fright. Very poorly, she was.
240
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,880
You're becoming a self-sufficiency bore.
241
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,673
Give it a rest. Come and have a round of golf.
242
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,190
You're joking.
How come you've got Friday off, anyway?
243
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,119
- Been crawling round Sir again?
- Yes.
244
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,515
Or fishing. We haven't been fishing for ages.
245
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,551
I haven't got time for all that.
246
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,353
You're not as much fun as you used to be, Tom.
247
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,550
Shouldn't have married me, then, should you?
248
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,069
- Those lettuces look very nice.
- Want one?
249
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:02,636
Thanks.
250
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,030
Swap you for a fag.
251
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,550
This is the man who used to throw away
his Luncheon Vouchers.
252
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,240
Ah, ta. Haven't had a drag for weeks.
253
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,511
There we are.
254
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,832
Cor, blimey.
255
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,554
It doesn't half make your head go round,
doesn't it.
256
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,354
Ah. Typical Jerry.
257
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,515
He's got the day off and all he's doing
is mooning about in his back garden.
258
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,154
He looks like a little boy
who's got nobody to play with.
259
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,838
He could play with Margo.
260
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,871
Oh, no. No, no, no.
261
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,071
Never in the afternoons.
262
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,429
He only wanted me to go fishing. Fishing, ha!
263
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,071
As if I've got time to go fishing.
264
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,713
I think that's a very good idea.
I think you should go fishing.
265
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,910
I can manage here on my own quite easily.
266
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,676
So, you want me out of the house.
267
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,518
You're having an affair, aren't you?
268
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,678
Come on. Who is your paramour?
It's the postman, isn't it?
269
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,792
Yes, I thought so.
He's been franking your neck again.
270
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,079
I couldn't help myself.
271
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,999
What woman could say no
to a bit of first class mail?
272
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,071
I think you should go fishing.
273
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,519
What's the point?
274
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,552
Fish is food. Fresh food, that's the point.
275
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,480
Look, where we go isn't all your trout
and salmon, and reserved casting stations.
276
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,989
It's just tench and perch
and push in where you can.
277
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,159
So? Tench souffl�,
grilled perch with bay leaves. Fantastic.
278
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,316
That's to say nothing of pike and carp.
279
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,113
Where did you learn all this?
280
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:06,040
There are hundreds of things that people
don't eat any more but most of them are free,
281
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,071
including freshwater fish.
282
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,671
- Look at that.
- What's this?
283
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,431
Forgotten Foods.
284
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:18,031
I can see why they call it that.
There's a bit of jam on page 38.
285
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,755
It's a library book. I got it the other day
when I was grazing the goat on the common.
286
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,552
You didn't take the goat in the library?
287
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,750
No, no. She hasn't got a ticket.
288
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,871
I left her in the bicycle racks.
289
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,434
The point is, Tom,
this book could be a goldmine.
290
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,438
There are so many things
people don't eat any more, but we should.
291
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,120
Cheap things,
just because they're not fashionable.
292
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,356
Like pigeon.
Pigeons aren't posh anymore.
293
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,279
And hares and eels and all sorts of things.
294
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,675
I see what you mean. Tick, VG. What about
this?
295
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,394
- Wall fruit.
- That sounds nice. What's that?
296
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,431
Dorsetshire snails.
297
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,031
Oh, English escargots.
298
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,798
All we need is the �8,000 rail fare to Dorset.
We could get them for nothing.
299
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,950
I wonder what Surbiton snails taste like.
300
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,599
- Rabbits.
- No, they're not at all like rabbits.
301
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,000
Half a mile up the road, on the golf course.
302
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,759
I've driven off with a whole gallery of rabbits
watching me.
303
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,473
- They're all dinners.
- Exactly.
304
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,511
And they're not cheap, they're free.
305
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,916
Next time I play golf I won't take a 1-iron,
I'll take a 12-bore.
306
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,032
Never mind about the rabbits,
there's that river full of fish.
307
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,879
You probably haven't thought of this
but I should go fishing.
308
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,638
Oh, clear off.
309
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,117
Urgh. Not too keen.
310
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,879
You're not supposed to be.
It's for the chickens.
311
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,311
(Clucks)
312
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,789
You said just five more minutes an hour ago.
313
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,478
You can imagine what it must have felt like,
can't you?
314
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,195
Standing in the water with your wooden spear,
waiting, waiting.
315
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,595
It's about the one thing you haven't tried.
316
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,472
Come on, I'm getting chilly.
317
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,511
- You mean the pub's open?
- Yes.
318
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,874
All right. Get the car down, I'll pack my rods up.
319
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,877
My rods, actually.
320
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,430
- I see you've been playing the field, old man.
- Blanket bombing.
321
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:21,111
As you progress in the sport,
you'll want to specialise.
322
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,754
Not me, mate. Anything that swims, I'll have it.
323
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,398
May I?
324
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,350
Yes.
325
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,478
Yes. As I thought. Quantity, not quality.
326
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,080
- I'll chuck them back for you, shall I, old man'?
- Get off!
327
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,111
Sorry, I thought you'd finished for the day.
328
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,357
- I have.
- You're not taking them home, are you?
329
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,279
No, we thought we'd all go to a dance
this evening. Of course I am.
330
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,438
Nope. You don't do that, old man.
331
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:54,189
It's not done. Not that size.
There's nothing worth mounting there.
332
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,436
I'm not mounting them,
I'm going to eat them.
333
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,153
I'm going to have to say this.
334
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:02,114
You're the sort of element
we don't want creeping into the sport.
335
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:06,472
Sport? You call pulling them out, ripping a hole
in their top lip and chucking them back sport?
336
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,191
Learn your ichthyology, old man.
337
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,393
They don't feel anything.
338
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,351
They don't have nerves in the upper lip.
339
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:17,473
I see. So they pop their heads out of the water
and say, "Thanks for the game," do they?
340
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,193
What you're doing is no better.
341
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,676
It is. I'm doing them justice by eating them.
On this occasion, I win.
342
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,280
If it was me having a swim
and along came a shark, he'd win.
343
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,233
I suppose you'd smile as he gobbled you up,
would you?
344
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,715
I can't guarantee that, no.
345
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,639
What are you, anyway? Some sort of anarchist?
346
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,877
No, I'm a mind-your-own-business-ist.
Now, push off.
347
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,038
With alacrity. But I'll say this in going.
348
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,833
I think you're a bloody unmitigated scoundrel.
349
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,154
You what?
350
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,998
Now, don't be silly.
351
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,031
I wear glasses normally.
352
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,671
- I'm in insurance.
- Then you'd better get yourself a policy.
353
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,473
- Pack it in.
- I've finished with people telling me what to do.
354
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:55,555
Come away.
355
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,989
I thought berks like him didn't exist any more.
356
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,077
Pack up the rods and we'll go and have a drink.
357
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,111
- All right, all right.
- Tiger.
358
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,232
- Yeah, well.
- He'll spoil it for everybody, riffraff like that.
359
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:07,111
Right!
360
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,555
Oh.
361
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,071
(Thumping and wheezing)
362
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,791
In they go. Lovely.
363
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,112
Well, worth doing, wasn't it?
364
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,994
There's a good few meals in there. Very nice,
too, if that bream was anything to go by.
365
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:33,955
Yes. Of course, there are still some people
who believe you can't eat freshwater fish.
366
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,991
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
367
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,111
- Yeah?
- (Squeals)
368
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,672
JERRY: Anybody down there?
369
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,870
Who dat up there saying who dat down there?
370
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,911
Jerry.
371
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,951
Your au pair girl.
372
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,313
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hello, you two.
373
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:53,953
- You don't half stink.
- Smoothie.
374
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,197
- What is it?
- Fish cologne. We've been gutting all morning.
375
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,311
The fun you have in this house.
376
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,149
- Thanks for coming round, Jerry.
- Just tell me what you want me to do.
377
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,556
It's Saturday. I've got a lot of sleeping to get in.
378
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,671
We only want you to wait in for a bloke.
379
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,917
When he arrives,
what physical excesses do I have to indulge in?
380
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:16,352
Just let him in, will you? He's an electrician.
He has to certify that my circuitry is safe.
381
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,676
How much do I drop him to say that it is?
382
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,075
- Oh, ye of little faith.
- Where are you two going?
383
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,872
They felled a big tree on the common.
384
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,799
The council say we can chop off
as much wood as we like.
385
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,559
Gutting fish and chopping wood -
what fun you have.
386
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,831
Where are you taking your holidays?
Labour camp?
387
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,349
Of course, two blokes could chop more wood.
388
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:35,913
No.
389
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,952
No? Oh, all right, Jerry, I'll... (Coughs)
390
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,031
I'll do the best I can
with what little strength I've got left.
391
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,071
That's right. Bye-bye.
392
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,952
Do you mean you can stand there
and let a woman go chopping?
393
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,755
Easily.
You've made your perverted bed, you lie on it.
394
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,872
I'm just going to sit here
and grow my brewers' goitre.
395
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,511
What's this?
396
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,076
Is it one of these vibro-massage chairs?
397
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,269
It's the generator does that.
Just that one spot. I don't know why.
398
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,312
If I lose my cocktail shaker,
I shall know where to come.
399
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,396
Off you go, Hansel and Gretel.
400
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,158
Cheerio, then.
401
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:27,272
Of course, the trouble is, getting the logs home,
isn't it, love?
402
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,757
Yes, not having a car.
403
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,235
- No car, you see.
- No car.
404
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,159
- A bit dodgy without a car.
- Oh, all right.
405
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,631
Here you are.
406
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,793
- Thanks, Jerry.
- Thanks, Jerry.
407
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,797
Off you go, my children.
408
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,831
Watch out for wolves.
409
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,991
Jerry?
410
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,311
Jerry!
411
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:06,878
- Jerry.
- What? Eh?
412
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,116
These gloves were a present from my mother.
413
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,276
Mean old trout. They're coming apart.
414
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:16,673
They're not coming apart. I've torn them
to shreds on those stones in the rockery.
415
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,870
Stones which you should have been lifting.
416
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,797
I'm doing something for Tom and Barbara.
417
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,117
Seeing whether their sofa will bear your weight,
presumably.
418
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,278
Come and have a cuddle.
419
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,311
Jerry, don't.
420
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,317
It's broad daylight.
421
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,351
We're in someone else's house.
422
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,311
No, I'm sorry.
423
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,671
You're not shaking.
424
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:47,958
Why should I be? I don't find the thought of
improvised love-making erotic.
425
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,071
No, no, that chair should be shaking.
426
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,120
Blimey. Their generator's packed up.
427
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,151
I'm not surprised at that.
428
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,077
Oh, well,
there's obviously nothing you can do about it.
429
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,674
Why don't we go home and um...
430
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,314
we could... well, we could...
431
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,838
Yes.
432
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,196
I'd better have a look at it, I suppose.
433
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,678
Well, that's the last time
I play the tart for you, Jerry.
434
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,350
4 To think that I shall never see
435
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,391
4 A thing as lovely as a tree
436
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,750
I'll stick a log in your mouth if you don't shut up.
437
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,552
JERRY: Tom, is that you?
438
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,989
- Who dat down there?
- Come here, quick.
439
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,032
- Oh, bloody marvellous!
- I don't know what's wrong with it.
440
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,549
- When did it stop, Jerry?
- Not sure. I fell asleep.
441
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,150
- You lazy great twit.
- I shouldn't have been able to fix it anyway.
442
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,318
It's not a nuclear reactor.
Leave you in charge and this happens.
443
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,715
I was waiting in for some bod
who never turned up.
444
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,593
It was not in my brief
to play nursemaid to this contraption.
445
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,756
But I explained it. It's simplicity itself.
446
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,519
Well, you make it work. You're simple.
447
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,109
- That wasn't very fair, was it?
- No. Because I'm an unfair person.
448
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,036
That's the trouble with do-it-yourself.
It sometimes does it back.
449
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,473
- Turn her over, will you.
- Who?
450
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,511
- Mrs Flywheel.
- Oh, right.
451
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,632
(Strangled whir)
452
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,272
- Yes, I thought so.
- What?
453
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,311
It doesn't work.
454
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:39,672
I know what it is. It's that intake valve.
Teach me not to cut corners with Army surplus.
455
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,429
You should have been suspicious
when you saw Kitchener's picture on the box.
456
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,756
- Think you can fix it?
- No. Have to get a new one.
457
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,791
That won't be till Monday now.
458
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,558
Oh, dear.
459
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,591
Why? What's the matter, my dear?
460
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,031
Does the thought of two candlelit nights with me
frighten you?
461
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,755
No, candlelight turns me on
but it's going to make the fish go off.
462
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,991
Oh, blast.
463
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,198
We can always refreeze them.
464
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,356
- Bacillus coli.
- What?
465
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,597
If we refreeze them,
bacteria in the gut is a good chance.
466
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:09,994
Oh, yeah.
467
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,600
- How long before they defrost?
- Not long. Why?
468
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,200
Those fish gave you a hard day's labour.
469
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:19,234
You had to fight off half a dozen anglers
even to get them here.
470
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,112
Yes, true, yes.
471
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,879
There must be some alternative.
Come on, brain.
472
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,799
Don't let me down,
just as I was getting to like you.
473
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,191
Bong!
474
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,396
Are you chiming or have you had an idea?
475
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,191
(Door chimes)
476
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:41,111
Ah. (Laughs nervously)
477
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,673
Hello, Jerry.
478
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,711
Sorry about the shout-up.
479
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,038
It's all right.
480
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,277
- I wonder if you could do us a great favour.
- What does it involve?
481
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:54,472
Could you stick these in your freezer
till Monday?
482
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:55,590
No, sorry.
483
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,837
You petty-minded little ratbag.
Just because I called you a few names.
484
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,518
- It's not that.
- What is it, then?
485
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,551
We're having a power cut.
486
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,789
Of course, it doesn't affect people
with their own generators.
487
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:10,679
Oh, Tom.
488
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,151
Care to borrow a candle?
489
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,911
(Jerry chuckles)
490
00:28:16,961 --> 00:28:21,511
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