All language subtitles for Superstore (2015) - S02E17 - Mateos Last Day (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)_track3_[eng]
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:01,435
.
2
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,636
[Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath
My Wings" playing]
3
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,807
*
4
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:12,146
- * Oh, whoa, whoa
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,514
* Oh
6
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:16,050
- I don't get it.
Is he transferring or dying?
7
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,518
- Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.
8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,320
- Oh, I didn't make it.
Mateo did.
9
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,588
[all exclaim]
- That makes sense.
10
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,623
- Shh!
Pay attention.
11
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,825
What am I gonna miss the most?
12
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,495
Uh, the people?
13
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,563
They're salt of the Earth.
14
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:34,635
Simple, basic.
Just sort of harmless.
15
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,637
Am I scared?
[scoffs]
16
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,738
Of course I'm scared.
17
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,608
- Wait, so, um, who's
asking you these questions?
18
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,210
- Uh...
19
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,644
*
20
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,545
- Whoa.
21
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,547
- That is not your chest.
- Yes it is.
22
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,249
- Then take off your shirt.
23
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,650
- I had a big breakfast.
24
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:50,951
My advice?
25
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:54,522
I guess it would be leaving
every place you work at
26
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,557
a little bit better
than when you found it.
27
00:00:56,590 --> 00:01:00,428
Did I do that here?
Who can say?
28
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,163
Yes.
29
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,564
I think I did.
30
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,866
- Well, that was
a massive waste of time.
31
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,601
- Okay, moving on.
32
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,171
We have not had
a tornado drill
33
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,173
in eight years,
so we really should--
34
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,241
- I started this journey
35
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,608
as a small child
in the Philippines...
36
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,577
[all groaning]
37
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,580
[upbeat music]
38
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:20,681
*
39
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,651
[quirky music]
40
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,653
- So the tub faucet
is now working,
41
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:30,458
but the drain is clogged with--
I'm gonna say fur, not hair.
42
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,526
Oh, hold on
just one second, please.
43
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,230
Guys, corporate is coming down
on employee fraternization
44
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,231
due to a recent incident.
45
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,334
- The incident of
you having gay sex with Mateo?
46
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:41,602
- I'm not at liberty to say.
47
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,338
And we actually
just call it sex.
48
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,706
Uh, but the point is,
since you two
49
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,242
have been recently intimate--
50
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,178
- Wait, does this mean
we gotta transfer too?
51
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,313
- Oh, no, no way.
I am just getting used to
52
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,648
the wet horse smell
coming out of Elias's locker.
53
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,717
- Uh, no.
Mateo only needs to transfer
54
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,486
because I'm
at a district level.
55
00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,620
Sorry, that sounded like
I was bragging.
56
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,622
- No it didn't.
- Okay, the point is,
57
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,158
I just need you guys to fill out
these disclosure forms for me.
58
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,259
Thank you.
Hi, sorry about that.
59
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,627
So the phone
in my hotel room, yes.
60
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,163
Sometimes when I'm on it,
I hear somebody breathing.
61
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,698
- This is where
you'll be working?
62
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,666
It looks so different.
63
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,269
- It's a Cloud 9 Signature.
64
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:18,706
They have a beauty concierge,
their produce is all organic,
65
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:22,310
and their cafe has never
given anyone diarrhea.
66
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,345
- That is impressive.
- How did you get
67
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,947
all these pictures
of the store?
68
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,717
- It's on Yelp.
- Ohh, yeah.
69
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,586
- It's a website
where people post reviews.
70
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,756
- Wait, do you think
our store has a Yelf?
71
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,591
- I'm sure we do.
72
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,493
- Ah, well,
it's amazing how quickly
73
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:40,728
you all made this about you.
74
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,631
- Voila!
- Oh, my God!
75
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,598
Look at that!
76
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,668
We're famous!
168 reviews.
77
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,737
- "Store's okay.
I usually stop there
78
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,439
because it's on my way home."
79
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,707
- We're on his way home.
80
00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,409
- Uh...
81
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,610
- Wait, stop!
82
00:02:56,644 --> 00:03:01,382
"Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1,
as in the one star I'm giving
83
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,417
because I can't give zero."
84
00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:04,785
- Ha!
He's a good writer.
85
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,554
- Glen, just ignore this.
86
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,689
That guy's a troll.
87
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,424
No, uh, no.
88
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,726
Uh, he's a full-sized
human being,
89
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,696
non-mythical who writes
mean things on the Internet.
90
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,531
- What?
- Yeah, 99% of the Internet
91
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,500
is just people
tearing other people down.
92
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,369
It's actually why
I am considering
93
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:24,305
leaving social media.
- Just do it, already.
94
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:27,375
Ugh, you don't get points
for talking about it.
95
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,344
- My friend Corona sells her pee
on the Internet.
96
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,715
- Hey, what'd you put
for nature of relationship?
97
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,551
They only have "spouse,"
"family member," and "romantic."
98
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,254
- Yeah, I just marked romantic,
basically because
99
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,290
it was the closest to where
my pen already was.
100
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,492
- Okay, look.
There is nothing romantic
101
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:45,693
about this relationship.
102
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,561
I have been very clear
about that.
103
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,663
- Yeah, I agree with you.
But we're not family members
104
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,699
and we're definitely
not married, so...
105
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,635
- I'm calling Corporate.
106
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,536
- You've called Corporate
so much
107
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,605
that you have memorized
their number?
108
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:58,706
- You're gonna need
to talk first.
109
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,508
Ask for extension 224.
110
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,377
If the operator hears my voice,
she won't put me through.
111
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,513
- Yeah, extension 224, please.
112
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,680
Oh.
113
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,650
- Ha!
I got through!
114
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,419
- You know, I feel kinda bad
that I got promoted
115
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,753
and you guys didn't.
116
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:13,887
- Oh, is getting transferred
117
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,757
because you're sleeping with
Jeff considered a promotion?
118
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,492
- [mouthing]
He's so jealous.
119
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,693
- [mouthing]
I know.
120
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,829
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey.
121
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,466
- Got your transfer paperwork
right here.
122
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,600
So just go ahead
and fill that out
123
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,669
and get it turned in to me
with your Social Security card
124
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,504
and we're good to go.
- Cool.
125
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,706
Um, I-I can actually
just give you the number.
126
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,775
- Uh, no, they actually need to
see the card these days.
127
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,777
They gotta run it through
E-Verify.
128
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,646
Is that gonna be a problem?
- No, no, no.
129
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:42,583
No, I just didn't realize this
store was like Nazi Germany.
130
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,686
Ve must see your documents.
Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer.
131
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,794
- Social Security card.
- Great, no problem.
132
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,630
No--no problem.
133
00:04:56,664 --> 00:05:00,468
- Do undocumented people
have documents?
134
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,536
- No.
No, we don't.
135
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:03,904
- Oh.
136
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,539
So, like, won't that
be an issue?
137
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:08,642
.
138
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:09,076
- So...that's it.
139
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,614
Corporate's gonna find out
that my documents are fake.
140
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,682
I'm gonna get deported.
141
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,518
And Jeff is gonna
get back together with his ex.
142
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:20,654
Oh, congratulations, Chad.
You win.
143
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:21,822
- You know what?
Maybe you should try
144
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:22,823
talking to Jeff.
145
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,091
Maybe he could--
he could, like,
146
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,426
fudge the paperwork
or something.
147
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,694
- Mm.
- Great idea.
148
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,596
"Hey Jeff, you know how
149
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,398
"you're barely even allowed
to date me?
150
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:33,667
Well, surprise, turns out you're
also illegally employing me."
151
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,102
- And I'd marry you if I could.
152
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,872
But I'm supposed to marry Bo
and he already bought a tie.
153
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:41,809
- That's okay.
Thanks anyway.
154
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,878
- You know what?
155
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,515
Screw it.
I'll do it.
156
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,417
I'll marry you.
157
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,720
- Ew.
158
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,588
- I don't understand
the problem.
159
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,724
- The problem, Maureen,
is you have boxes
160
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,759
for eight different types
of "Pacific Islander,"
161
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,495
but only three for what
this relationship is.
162
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,863
- Well, it's just
for the files.
163
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,798
- It doesn't matter.
Just check the box
164
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,600
and let's move on
with our lives.
165
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:09,136
- Fine.
Whatever.
166
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,337
- This doesn't mean
that you're in love.
167
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,540
It's just saying that
you're in a relationship
168
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:13,574
that entails some level
169
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,677
of mutual attraction
and closeness.
170
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,113
- Maureen, we're gonna need
to speak to your supervisor.
171
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,650
- Sometimes people ask me,
"Hey, how'd you get
172
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,552
those light bulbs way up there?"
173
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,186
And the answer is:
I don't know.
174
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,187
[laughs]
175
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,856
Oh, hey, Amy.
This is Amy.
176
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,659
She's our intrepid
floor supervisor.
177
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,126
Amy, this is him.
178
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,729
Frenchfryguy81.
179
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:36,830
- Tim.
180
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,966
- The troll who wrote
the Yelp review.
181
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:42,670
- Oh, oh.
No, I wouldn't call him that.
182
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:45,739
But--so, you invited him back?
183
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,841
- Yeah, I mean, I couldn't rest
knowing there was
184
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:51,645
an unhappy customer out there
who thinks that this place is,
185
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,582
you know,
quote "a bleep show."
186
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,716
- Oh, I'm sorry.
187
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,751
I was probably having
a pretty bad day
188
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,753
when I wrote that review.
- Oh, we all come down
189
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,689
with a case
of the crabs sometimes.
190
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,524
- That's an interesting choice
of words.
191
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,659
- Yeah, anyway, I'm giving him
the VIP tour.
192
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:08,562
Come on, I'll show you
the giant trash compactor.
193
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,698
- Oh, that is the VIP tour.
- Yeah.
194
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,534
- Have fun.
- What else have you written?
195
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:17,237
- Uh, I once wrote a review of
the Burger King down on Delmar.
196
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,640
- Oh, I would love
to read that.
197
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,909
- So is the fear you'd be
committing some kind of fraud?
198
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,712
- No, Robbie, Robbie.
You're not listening to us.
199
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,579
- Let me break this down
for everyone.
200
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,215
This is strictly sex.
No one stays over
201
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,984
and we keep an even tally
in terms of orgasms.
202
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:31,852
Actually, now that
I think about it,
203
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,687
I owe you a--yeah.
- I am well aware.
204
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,188
- This is T.J. from Legal.
205
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,590
I've only been on the call
the last 36 minutes,
206
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,760
but I still think that the
totality of the circumstances
207
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,028
points to
a romantic relationship.
208
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,262
- Come on.
- Mm, dude, no, man.
209
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,865
In a relationship, you know
things about the other person.
210
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,735
I don't know anything
about Dina, nor do I care to.
211
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,570
- The feeling's mutual.
Where did I grow up?
212
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,505
- I don't know.
Is my father dead or alive?
213
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:52,873
- [imitates buzzer]
What is, "Don't care, Alex?"
214
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,675
- Guys, it's just a box.
215
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,677
- Actually, sorry to be
a fly in the ointment,
216
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,680
but if there are absolutely no
feelings of intimacy involved,
217
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,949
it could make things
a little grayer, legally.
218
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,685
- Yes, that's our point.
- Thank you.
219
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,054
- Well thank God
we looped in T.J.
220
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,524
[knocking]
- Hey, Glenn.
221
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,560
We found a muddy tire
in Softlines.
222
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,994
Nobody knows how it got there
and we don't know
223
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,964
what to do with it.
- Yeah, okay, glad to hear.
224
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,066
- Glenn.
- Hm?
225
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:23,303
Oh, sorry, I'm just responding
to all these old reviews.
226
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,272
- Oh...
- Like, in 2006,
227
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:29,843
this lady found a pool of vomit
in Electronics.
228
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,746
"Dear Verna301,
229
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,716
we have cleaned up the vomit."
230
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,317
We have cleaned up
the vomit, right?
231
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,953
- Yeah.
I believe so.
232
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,789
- Wha--
[gasps]
233
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:45,693
Frenchfryguy81
updated his review!
234
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,696
"So the manager invited me
back to the store
235
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:54,602
and tried to brainwash me with
an hour-long propaganda tour."
236
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,070
"Pathetic man."
237
00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:59,773
"Muppet voice."
238
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,775
Why would anyone write this?
239
00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:03,577
- Because he likes complaining.
240
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:07,347
Don't engage.
You won't win.
241
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,916
- Well, you can die trying.
242
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,951
[clacking keys]
243
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,020
- * Whispers at the bus stop
244
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,722
* Well, I've heard about
245
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,757
* Nights out
in the school yard *
246
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:19,760
* I found out about you
247
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,795
- So we've got Robbie,
T.J. from Legal,
248
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,031
Delores from Compliance,
Mark from Operations,
249
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,066
and the whole team
in Associate Relations.
250
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,067
Is everyone up to speed?
251
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,769
- Got it.
- Yep.
252
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:29,803
- Sorry if I cut out.
I'm on a cruise ship.
253
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,705
- I think what we're
coming to here
254
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,306
is adding a fourth box.
- Yes!
255
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,742
Yeah, that's all we're asking.
256
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:35,809
- Back on track.
257
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,778
- Okay, so what do we
label the box?
258
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,847
- Um...
259
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,881
- Oh, uh...
260
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,950
- Like, uh,
"Friends with Benefits"?
261
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,118
- Oh.
I wouldn't say we're friends.
262
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,954
- Hmm, oh,
so maybe more like a--
263
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:50,691
and apologies, Maureen--
but like "A Hate Effing Thing"?
264
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,860
Again, sorry, Maureen.
- That's okay, T.J.
265
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,762
I'm a grown-up.
- Yeah, you know what?
266
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,730
The thing is
that I don't hate Dina.
267
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,365
Eh, I'm just more ambivalent.
268
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,801
- Yeah, almost like an apathy.
- Maybe an apathy.
269
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,335
- Yeah, I could go with apathy.
270
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,672
[ship horn blares]
271
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,974
- Sorry, that's me.
We're just pulling into port.
272
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,375
- So you're not a refugee.
273
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,811
You're not
a special agricultural worker.
274
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,746
Any interest
in joining the military?
275
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,781
- [sighs]
Hm...
276
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,816
I don't trust myself
with a weapon.
277
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,818
I would like killing too much.
278
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,887
- Oh, or you could
just get beat up.
279
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,890
"Person may be eligible
for a special U.N. visa
280
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,925
"if they are a victim
of a violent crime,
281
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,093
such as an assault."
282
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,094
- That's crazy.
283
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,962
I can't believe that's real.
284
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,832
- So I would just
need to get punched.
285
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:35,035
- No, it seems like you'd have
to get your ass beat pretty bad.
286
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,704
- [sighs]
287
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,707
- Or, if you don't wanna
get your ass beat,
288
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,742
I'm still willing to marry you.
289
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,711
- Oh, thank you, Jonah.
290
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,178
When you put it like that...
291
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,848
the ass beating
doesn't sound so bad.
292
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,817
[quirky music]
293
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:52,920
.
294
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:53,721
- Hey, look at us.
Two regular Joes,
295
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,191
enjoying some
good old FFs, huh?
296
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,927
- Yeah.
Thanks.
297
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,095
You really didn't
have to do this.
298
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,397
- Well, I wanted
to talk to you,
299
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,433
not just as a store manager.
300
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,837
You know,
I'm also a human being.
301
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:10,971
Here.
302
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,980
Stupid.
303
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,715
- You get the...
304
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,716
Do you need--
do you need a hand?
305
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,017
- Hm?
306
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,721
No, no, no.
It--it's symbolic.
307
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,958
- Look, I regretted that review
as soon as I wrote it.
308
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,993
You were so nice before.
309
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,162
I'm sorry.
310
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,831
- Apology accepted.
311
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,101
- "So now this idiot
drags me back a second time
312
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:44,838
to force feed me French fries
and do a strip show"?
313
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,107
- I used to be a people person.
314
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,809
When I was at
the hardware store,
315
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,144
I could cheer up
any unhappy customer
316
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,147
with, like, a smile
or a few words.
317
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:59,086
Or sometimes I'd slam my finger
in the cash register as a joke.
318
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:02,489
- Ah, look, Glenn,
you're still a people person.
319
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,793
- I wish the Internet
had never been invented.
320
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,828
Although then Jerusha
wouldn't be able
321
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,130
to buy her Chinese cigarettes.
322
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,101
[lively music playing]
323
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:18,772
*
324
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,473
- What the hell?
325
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,775
Why did you do that?
326
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,043
- 'Cause I felt like it.
327
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,278
What are you gonna do about it?
328
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,848
- All right.
329
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,917
I'm writing up a 32-50 on you.
330
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,785
And that's going in your file
for life.
331
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,787
[vacuum whirring]
- Your mom's a whore.
332
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,923
- I can't hear you.
What did you say?
333
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,225
- Your mom is a whore!
334
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,961
- Okay, I'll get on that next.
335
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:46,066
- Hey, Brett.
I'm mad at you, let's fight.
336
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,202
Ah! What?
Put that away, you psycho!
337
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,904
Oh, my God!
338
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:51,905
Jesus.
339
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,245
- Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81.
340
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,547
- What are you doing here?
- We need to talk.
341
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,850
- Now's not a good time.
- Why?
342
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,152
Are you busy spewing hateful
things about good people
343
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,854
from the comfort of your own...
344
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,288
[tense music]
345
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,858
Home?
346
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:11,825
Uh...
[clears throat]
347
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:12,826
Um...
348
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,995
- [coughing]
349
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,330
Timmy.
Tim.
350
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:20,567
I need you to restart
the "Quantum Leap" video.
351
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,904
- Mom, I'll take care of you
in a minute.
352
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,974
- Oh, um, I--so...
353
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,610
- What about
"Sexual Co-workers"?
354
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,013
- Awful.
- Just say you don't care.
355
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,848
- What about "Friends with--"
- Say "Friends with Benefits"
356
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,851
one more time
and see what happens.
357
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,219
- I was gonna say
"Friends with" something else.
358
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,253
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
359
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,855
- What were you gonna say?
360
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,095
- "Benefits."
- Yeah.
361
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,296
Pathetic.
362
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,100
- My friends and I would say
that you guys are just chilling.
363
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:56,136
- Wait, full-on sex is now
considered just chilling?
364
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,305
- Uh-huh, and mouth stuff
is hanging out,
365
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,273
and hand stuff is pretty much,
366
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,575
I like you but just as a friend.
367
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,912
- Hm.
Wow, times have changed.
368
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:05,979
- Yeah.
369
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,050
- [coughs]
370
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,251
[tape rewinder whirring]
371
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,321
[coughing]
372
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,960
[whirring and coughing continue]
373
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:26,066
- Sorry, this will just be
a couple of minutes.
374
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,600
- [clears throat]
375
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,337
- Come on!
- No, I'm not gonna beat you up.
376
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,572
- Oh, so you'd just rather
I get kicked out of the country?
377
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:33,640
I thought you were my friend.
378
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,575
- I am your friend.
379
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,310
That's why I offered
to marry you.
380
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,313
- For the last time,
I will not marry you, Jonah!
381
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,651
- I-I don't wanna marry him.
382
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,020
I just think that he should
wanna marry me.
383
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,956
Never mind.
Keep shopping.
384
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,259
- Look, I know
you don't want to hurt me,
385
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,195
but not doing this
is hurting me.
386
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,630
So...
387
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,632
if you're really my friend,
388
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:03,103
please, beat the hell out of me.
389
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,639
- Okay, let's do this.
390
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,141
Let's rumble.
391
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,309
- Oh.
392
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,978
- [grunts]
393
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,281
- Why are you
stretching your legs?
394
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,949
- That's where
the power comes from.
395
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,952
- Okay.
How do you want to do this?
396
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,954
- Uh, I don't know.
397
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,622
I'm not really
much of a fighter.
398
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,225
- I guess just start
with a punch in the face?
399
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,027
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
400
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,361
Uh, uh...
401
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,230
Maybe--maybe close your eyes.
402
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,233
Yeah, just--yeah, okay, cool.
403
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,367
[sighs]
404
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,970
Uh, on second thought,
open your eyes.
405
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,105
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Open?
406
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,073
- Okay.
407
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,109
Here it comes.
408
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,077
Here we go.
409
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,979
No, see, now you're just
staring at me
410
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,147
and--and that's weird.
411
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,681
- [sighs]
Oh, come on.
412
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,483
Uh, don't think of it
as a hate crime.
413
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,219
- Well, I wasn't.
414
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,054
But now I am.
415
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:57,490
- You could just stomp
on his head.
416
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,259
- Yeah, how about
I just do this?
417
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,295
What if I just kind of
go like this?
418
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,964
And you just sort of
walk into it.
419
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:15,408
.
420
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,309
- Come on, just hit me.
- I'm trying, okay?
421
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,712
Say something mean.
- Like what?
422
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,381
- Um, I don't know.
423
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,416
Oh, say something mean
about Beyoncé.
424
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,318
- [scoffs]
I'd rather be deported.
425
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,454
- Mateo, it's not that easy
to just punch somebody
426
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,688
that you're not fighting with.
427
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,190
- Fine.
Then let's fight.
428
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,391
- Well--
- Come on.
429
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,392
- Okay, but I--
- Hit me, wuss.
430
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,228
- Well, I-I--we already--
- Come on, hit me.
431
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,030
- Well, I--
this is not necessary.
432
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:39,032
- Hit me.
- I'd like--I'd like to hit you.
433
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:39,832
- Hit me.
434
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,334
- No--Mateo, my point--
- Hit me!
435
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,502
- Ow!
- Oh!
436
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,371
[tense music]
437
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,306
- All right!
438
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,740
Now you go.
439
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,376
*
440
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,478
- I could tell he hit you hard
because it's the only time
441
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,446
I've ever seen your hair move.
442
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,148
- I thought
it was gonna be one of those
443
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:58,085
straight guy things where
I hit you and you hit me back.
444
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,453
- Why isn't pacifism
a straight guy thing?
445
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,222
- I don't know.
It just isn't.
446
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,558
- So...
what are you gonna do now?
447
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,094
- [sighs]
448
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,497
I don't know.
449
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,300
- Just--just talk to Jeff.
450
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:17,070
He cares about you.
You'll--you'll work it out.
451
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,239
- Yeah, maybe.
452
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:22,142
- I'm sorry I didn't
come through for you.
453
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:25,478
- Yeah, you really blew it.
454
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:28,415
- All right, we have been
talking and--
455
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:32,285
- We'd like a fourth box added,
labeled as "other."
456
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,786
- That's it?
"Other"?
457
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:37,090
- We're very excited
about "other," Maureen.
458
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,326
- Okay, fine.
"Other" it is.
459
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,360
- Legal signs off.
- Sounds good.
460
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,529
- I missed the Captain's dinner
for this.
461
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,231
[line clicks]
- All right.
462
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,333
"Other."
- Hey, I'm happy with it.
463
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,334
Boom.
- Did it!
464
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,336
- Hey, good job.
- Yeah.
465
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:51,471
- Yeah.
466
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,539
Okay.
467
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,607
- I'm gonna just go
dock your pay,
468
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:57,110
'cause you should have been
working all this time.
469
00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:58,511
Slacker.
470
00:17:58,545 --> 00:17:59,779
- You got bird seed
in your hair.
471
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,781
- Shut up.
472
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,517
[rabbit squeaks]
473
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,519
- Did you give her the cookies?
474
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,621
- I gave them to her.
475
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,323
You don't have to eat those.
476
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,625
- Well, I can't
because they're dominoes.
477
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,600
- Look, I haven't worked
in six months.
478
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,635
GameStop said
they were cutting back,
479
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:26,439
but then I went in there,
and they hired four new girls.
480
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,908
So then I get on the computer,
481
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,445
where I'm the guy who can win
for a change.
482
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,382
Oh, forget it.
I'm not explaining it right.
483
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,584
- No, no.
I get it.
484
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,322
I mean, it's not like
my life is so terrific.
485
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:47,160
I have tons of debt.
My marriage is struggling.
486
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,297
And it all feels like
it's never gonna change.
487
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,565
[quirky music]
488
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,401
- Wow.
489
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,403
Your life sounds
as bad as mine.
490
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,537
[rabbit squeaks]
491
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,639
- Uh-huh.
- Timmy, one of the rabbits
492
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,208
is eating the other one.
493
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:05,345
- I'll get around to it, Ma!
494
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,613
[sighs]
495
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,182
*
496
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,583
You know, it feels like ages
497
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,887
since I've just sat and talked
to somebody like this.
498
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:19,492
- Yeah.
This is--this is nice.
499
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:20,960
- Friends?
500
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,396
- Friends.
501
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:26,633
- "And then this psycho stalker
doesn't eat the cookies
502
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,335
my mom offered her."
503
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,536
You wouldn't eat the cookies?
504
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,471
- Well, they were dominoes.
505
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,607
The point is, he was
as mean to me as he was to you.
506
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,410
- Oh, no,
he's way meaner to you.
507
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:40,480
He says you're a munchkin.
[laughs]
508
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,349
- Glad to see
you're feeling better.
509
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,352
- He calls you "Lamey Amy."
510
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,954
Oh, that's clever.
511
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,589
He's a good writer.
512
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,225
- Jeff.
513
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,626
Jeff, wait.
- Hey!
514
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,596
- Ah, a little celebratory
dinner tonight?
515
00:19:56,629 --> 00:20:01,268
I made us a reservation
at the place with the fish tank.
516
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,270
- I can't transfer.
517
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,572
- What?
Why?
518
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,007
- Uh...
I just...
519
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,578
It's complicated, but I--
I just can't.
520
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,646
- All right, well, I mean,
we talked about it.
521
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,648
I would transfer but there's...
522
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:16,783
- No, I'm not asking you
to transfer.
523
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,518
- No, but I'm just saying,
if this is about your career,
524
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,019
I totally get that.
- It's not about the job.
525
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,555
- Okay, but it would be
a lateral move at worst for you.
526
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,625
- Jeff, please listen to me.
I just--I'm not...
527
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:31,398
I'm not...
528
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,433
in love with you.
529
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,569
- Oh.
530
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,371
I...uh...
531
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,478
Are you breaking up with me?
532
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,417
- I'm sorry.
[sighs]
533
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,420
[solemn music]
534
00:20:53,453 --> 00:21:00,293
*
535
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:04,564
- Are you okay?
536
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,566
- Not really.
537
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,569
I just--I don't know if
I did the right thing--
538
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,571
- [gasps]
539
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,040
- Ha.
I did it!
540
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,041
Whoo!
541
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,676
- Ulch.
- Cheyenne, I did it.
542
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:18,678
- [moans]
Oh.
543
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,580
- [panting]
544
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:21,648
You're welcome.
38701