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1
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Before we begin our Christmas shopping,
2
00:00:06,133 --> 00:00:09,268
I thought I might reflect on
the importance of gift-giving.
3
00:00:09,336 --> 00:00:10,603
[ALL GROANING]
4
00:00:10,671 --> 00:00:13,005
Put simply, gift-giving is the only way
5
00:00:13,074 --> 00:00:15,674
for someone to know
how much you love them.
6
00:00:15,742 --> 00:00:17,876
Growing up, my father didn't love me.
7
00:00:17,945 --> 00:00:20,412
Thus, he only ever gave me one gift...
8
00:00:20,481 --> 00:00:23,148
TOGETHER: A VHS copy of "Death Wish 3"
9
00:00:23,150 --> 00:00:27,886
only sold at Exxon stations
for one week in 1985.
10
00:00:27,887 --> 00:00:30,556
Good to see I'm finally getting
through to you knuckleheads.
11
00:00:30,557 --> 00:00:32,691
Knuckle deep, Dad. Can we go now?
12
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,560
Nope. They only sold one copy,
and the rest they used
13
00:00:35,561 --> 00:00:37,363
as security tapes until they wore out,
14
00:00:37,364 --> 00:00:40,565
meaning it's likely
the only copy in circulation.
15
00:00:40,635 --> 00:00:43,436
The day my dad traded it
for our first VCR
16
00:00:43,504 --> 00:00:45,237
was the saddest day of my life.
17
00:00:45,306 --> 00:00:49,174
TOGETHER: But there was one positive
to your childhood trauma.
18
00:00:49,176 --> 00:00:51,910
And that was that
it caused me to overcorrect
19
00:00:51,979 --> 00:00:54,647
and become the world's best gift-giver,
20
00:00:54,715 --> 00:00:56,849
- the King of Presents.
- All hail the king!
21
00:00:56,917 --> 00:01:00,786
Now, since I'm King of Presents,
I only need one hour to shop.
22
00:01:00,855 --> 00:01:02,655
But as my first gift of the season,
23
00:01:02,723 --> 00:01:04,789
I'm giving all of you two.
24
00:01:04,791 --> 00:01:06,791
Well, I already knocked out my shopping.
25
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:08,794
I'm gonna go see if
the single-occupant restroom
26
00:01:08,795 --> 00:01:10,396
at Banana Republic's available.
27
00:01:10,397 --> 00:01:11,717
Klaus is definitely lying
28
00:01:11,718 --> 00:01:13,333
and not buying us gifts
this year, right?
29
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:16,469
We'll just have to see when
we open presents Christmas Eve.
30
00:01:16,470 --> 00:01:17,937
All right, enough chit-chat.
31
00:01:17,938 --> 00:01:19,872
Break!
32
00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:22,741
Well, since I bought
all my gifts months ago,
33
00:01:22,810 --> 00:01:24,209
I guess we can go home.
34
00:01:24,211 --> 00:01:26,545
But I can't remember where I parked.
35
00:01:26,613 --> 00:01:28,747
Was it P-1 or...
36
00:01:28,748 --> 00:01:30,016
Oh, no, it was right there.
37
00:01:30,017 --> 00:01:32,018
[ALARM BLARING, HORN HONKING]
38
00:01:33,820 --> 00:01:37,156
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
39
00:01:37,224 --> 00:01:39,091
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYS]
40
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,094
Can I tag along and watch the king?
41
00:01:42,163 --> 00:01:45,097
I'm not buying any presents
because I'm wiccan this year.
42
00:01:45,166 --> 00:01:46,899
Always got time for my subjects.
43
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:48,834
I'll show you my King of Presents
44
00:01:48,903 --> 00:01:51,704
two-pronged present-buying system.
45
00:01:51,772 --> 00:01:54,039
Prong one... use the employees.
46
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,842
Just give them a brief description
47
00:01:55,843 --> 00:01:57,043
of who you're buying for...
48
00:01:57,111 --> 00:02:00,513
Hey, my daughter's 19 and a girl!
49
00:02:00,581 --> 00:02:03,382
Prong two... spring for something nicer.
50
00:02:03,450 --> 00:02:04,650
Your family deserves it.
51
00:02:04,651 --> 00:02:07,920
Come on, something nicer than that!
52
00:02:07,988 --> 00:02:10,589
And that's how it's done.
53
00:02:10,657 --> 00:02:12,525
My son is 14 and a boy!
54
00:02:12,593 --> 00:02:14,659
My wife is 39 and a woman!
55
00:02:14,661 --> 00:02:16,929
My fish is 58 and a German man!
56
00:02:16,997 --> 00:02:19,532
My uncle-in-the-attic is 1,600-years old
57
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,734
and non-gendered!
58
00:02:21,802 --> 00:02:22,868
An air fryer?!
59
00:02:22,937 --> 00:02:26,138
Come on, something nicer than that!
60
00:02:26,207 --> 00:02:27,840
Follow me.
61
00:02:29,544 --> 00:02:30,943
2-pack?
62
00:02:31,011 --> 00:02:33,179
And that's why you're the king.
63
00:02:35,015 --> 00:02:36,615
[ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS]
64
00:02:36,683 --> 00:02:37,950
STEVE: The Opulus...
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00:02:38,018 --> 00:02:40,686
the gateway to the metaverse.
66
00:02:43,224 --> 00:02:44,757
Unlike in real life,
67
00:02:44,825 --> 00:02:47,760
in the metaverse
the possibilities are endless.
68
00:02:47,828 --> 00:02:49,762
Just put on the Opulus, and in seconds
69
00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:51,897
you can be riding a jet ski,
70
00:02:51,899 --> 00:02:53,032
feeding an ostrich,
71
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:56,501
or riding an ostrich like a jet ski!
72
00:02:56,503 --> 00:03:00,305
Ohh. I'd die to ride an ostrich
like a jet ski.
73
00:03:00,374 --> 00:03:03,642
But I don't even have enough
money to buy my family presents,
74
00:03:03,710 --> 00:03:05,578
let alone an Opulus for myself.
75
00:03:05,646 --> 00:03:07,512
Ah! Dad's buying me one?!
76
00:03:07,582 --> 00:03:09,648
You're lucky you came in when you did.
77
00:03:09,716 --> 00:03:12,985
This is our last Opulus.
78
00:03:14,389 --> 00:03:15,721
That was weird.
79
00:03:17,839 --> 00:03:19,554
_
80
00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:23,162
And now my gift to you all...
81
00:03:23,230 --> 00:03:25,964
Klaus's famous egg nog!
82
00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:27,966
This one's booze, this one's weed,
83
00:03:28,035 --> 00:03:30,369
and this one's 5-hour energy.
84
00:03:30,437 --> 00:03:31,970
None for you, Stan.
85
00:03:32,039 --> 00:03:34,707
Egg nog gives you that nasty-ass gas.
86
00:03:34,775 --> 00:03:37,710
Your body is a fart machine
that runs on egg nog.
87
00:03:37,778 --> 00:03:39,244
You're Fart Simpson.
88
00:03:39,313 --> 00:03:42,047
Don't have a cow.
Don't have any dairy!
89
00:03:42,049 --> 00:03:43,982
Can we focus on the main event here?
90
00:03:44,051 --> 00:03:45,384
To Hayles-Bells,
91
00:03:45,452 --> 00:03:48,321
love, the King of Presents.
92
00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:50,055
Dad, I love it!
93
00:03:50,056 --> 00:03:52,258
I've been wanting to get back
into clubbing!
94
00:03:52,259 --> 00:03:54,827
Oh, this'll go great
with my ziploc bag of Molly.
95
00:03:56,931 --> 00:03:59,798
This one's from Stan, too.
96
00:03:59,867 --> 00:04:01,666
Oh, it's beautiful, Stan.
97
00:04:01,736 --> 00:04:03,802
It's a pandora bracelet.
98
00:04:03,871 --> 00:04:05,131
You fill them with charms.
99
00:04:05,139 --> 00:04:06,671
There's a bear charm on there
100
00:04:06,672 --> 00:04:08,608
because we went to the zoo
once, I think.
101
00:04:08,609 --> 00:04:11,676
I think we did, too, Stan.
102
00:04:11,678 --> 00:04:12,811
Mwah!
103
00:04:12,812 --> 00:04:14,347
I just want to remind everyone
104
00:04:14,348 --> 00:04:16,349
I was a little light on money this year,
105
00:04:16,417 --> 00:04:18,150
so I had to get creative.
106
00:04:18,219 --> 00:04:21,354
Mom and Hayley, your gifts
are actually virtual,
107
00:04:21,422 --> 00:04:23,956
so check your inboxes.
108
00:04:24,025 --> 00:04:26,691
Wait, is this a cameo from...
109
00:04:26,693 --> 00:04:27,826
Deandre Ayton?!
110
00:04:27,827 --> 00:04:29,495
My favorite basketball player?!
111
00:04:29,496 --> 00:04:32,965
Hey, Hayley, it's me, Deandre Ayton.
112
00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:34,900
I heard you're quite the hooper.
113
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,236
Hope you have a great Christmas,
114
00:04:36,237 --> 00:04:37,502
dominate the paint,
115
00:04:37,504 --> 00:04:39,438
and protect the rim at all costs.
116
00:04:39,506 --> 00:04:41,574
Oh, my God, Steve!
117
00:04:42,509 --> 00:04:46,445
Mom, your gift is a music video
of a song I wrote for you.
118
00:04:46,513 --> 00:04:48,614
- [ CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS]
- _
119
00:04:50,585 --> 00:04:52,517
? This Christmas ?
120
00:04:52,587 --> 00:04:54,319
? I give you my heart ?
121
00:04:54,321 --> 00:04:59,625
? Which is where it'll stay
till you pass away ?
122
00:05:00,394 --> 00:05:02,661
Aw!
123
00:05:02,729 --> 00:05:06,265
Stan, can I talk to you upstairs?
124
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:07,666
Just as I thought.
125
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:09,535
Steve is demolishing you at gift-giving!
126
00:05:09,536 --> 00:05:11,537
He's gonna take the title
of King of Presents!
127
00:05:11,538 --> 00:05:14,139
That's impossible.
All he's given are videos.
128
00:05:14,141 --> 00:05:16,609
Those aren't gifts.
At best, they're gifs.
129
00:05:16,677 --> 00:05:18,343
That's what's hot right now.
130
00:05:18,344 --> 00:05:21,014
They're called experiences,
and the family's loving them.
131
00:05:21,015 --> 00:05:22,481
Don't believe me?
132
00:05:22,482 --> 00:05:25,018
I had a thermal reader installed
in the living room
133
00:05:25,019 --> 00:05:26,952
to measure each person's reaction.
134
00:05:27,021 --> 00:05:29,488
Well, I-I installed it
for a sex group I'm in,
135
00:05:29,556 --> 00:05:30,756
but the same principles
136
00:05:30,757 --> 00:05:32,358
of giving and receiving are at play.
137
00:05:32,359 --> 00:05:33,626
Steve's in first,
138
00:05:33,694 --> 00:05:36,561
and you each only have one present left.
139
00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:37,897
What do you think? Torch the house,
140
00:05:37,898 --> 00:05:39,565
burn it down, none of this counts?
141
00:05:39,566 --> 00:05:41,634
I'm the King of Presents for a reason.
142
00:05:41,702 --> 00:05:43,769
Watch and learn.
143
00:05:43,838 --> 00:05:44,970
It's a...
144
00:05:44,972 --> 00:05:46,772
Chef's Jersey!
145
00:05:46,841 --> 00:05:47,891
Chiefs Jersey.
146
00:05:47,908 --> 00:05:49,174
Patrick Mahomes...
147
00:05:49,176 --> 00:05:51,176
the Jersey all the kids want this year.
148
00:05:51,178 --> 00:05:53,446
It'll help you fit in
and not get beat up.
149
00:05:53,514 --> 00:05:55,580
Aw, thanks, Dad.
150
00:05:55,582 --> 00:05:57,450
Here's mine for you.
151
00:05:57,518 --> 00:05:58,684
Feels a little light.
152
00:06:00,587 --> 00:06:02,921
Oh, my God!
153
00:06:02,990 --> 00:06:05,791
"Exxon presents: Death Wish 3."
154
00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:07,592
How did you find this?
155
00:06:07,594 --> 00:06:09,194
Took me months.
156
00:06:09,195 --> 00:06:11,597
Had to get pretty deep into
the world of VHS collectors,
157
00:06:11,598 --> 00:06:15,534
which, as it happens,
is not a scene for children.
158
00:06:15,602 --> 00:06:18,937
It's the greatest gift
I've ever received,
159
00:06:19,006 --> 00:06:21,540
even better than the last time I got it.
160
00:06:21,608 --> 00:06:23,342
Wait.
161
00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:25,610
It's over. He got you.
162
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:26,812
The king is dead.
163
00:06:26,881 --> 00:06:27,931
No, no, no, no!
164
00:06:27,948 --> 00:06:29,148
You son of a bitch!
165
00:06:29,149 --> 00:06:31,017
You knew exactly what you were doing!
166
00:06:31,018 --> 00:06:32,751
Oh, this is so good.
167
00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,687
This is... not over!
168
00:06:34,755 --> 00:06:36,021
This is not over!
169
00:06:36,023 --> 00:06:37,356
My God, this is beautiful.
170
00:06:37,424 --> 00:06:39,558
I can't believe I'm touching it again.
171
00:06:39,626 --> 00:06:41,360
You monster! I will destroy you.
172
00:06:41,428 --> 00:06:42,627
I don't love you.
173
00:06:42,697 --> 00:06:45,097
Even though you gave me this.
174
00:06:47,968 --> 00:06:51,103
Every dad dreads the day
his son overtakes him.
175
00:06:51,104 --> 00:06:52,706
If I'm not the King of Presents,
176
00:06:52,707 --> 00:06:54,040
what's even the point of Christmas?
177
00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:56,241
You can still fix this, Stan.
178
00:06:56,242 --> 00:06:58,178
You just have to get Steve
an even better gift
179
00:06:58,179 --> 00:07:00,713
than he got you by the end
of Christmas tomorrow.
180
00:07:00,781 --> 00:07:02,281
Well, how are we gonna do that?
181
00:07:02,316 --> 00:07:05,050
It's gonna be tough.
His gift did make you cry.
182
00:07:05,052 --> 00:07:07,119
Oh, wait, I know. Opulus goggles!
183
00:07:07,188 --> 00:07:09,121
What the hell is an Opulus goggles?
184
00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:12,457
You wear 'em. They're the gateway
to the metaverse, duh!
185
00:07:12,459 --> 00:07:14,259
And exactly what Steve wants.
186
00:07:14,260 --> 00:07:15,795
Anyway, they're sold out everywhere,
187
00:07:15,796 --> 00:07:17,476
but you might have a chance online.
188
00:07:17,532 --> 00:07:20,132
You're in luck.
There's one pair left on Amazon,
189
00:07:20,201 --> 00:07:21,867
and it can get here by the morning.
190
00:07:21,869 --> 00:07:23,135
Yes, yes, yes!
191
00:07:23,204 --> 00:07:25,070
Let me just clear out my cart.
192
00:07:25,139 --> 00:07:27,873
What's this huge jug
of soy sauce doing in here?
193
00:07:27,875 --> 00:07:29,195
Didn't I already buy that?
194
00:07:29,196 --> 00:07:30,810
'Cause if I didn't,
I definitely want to,
195
00:07:30,811 --> 00:07:34,012
but I don't want to end up with
two huge jugs of soy sauce.
196
00:07:34,081 --> 00:07:35,948
- Buy the goggles!
- Buy!
197
00:07:36,016 --> 00:07:37,950
Oh, no! It just sold out!
198
00:07:38,018 --> 00:07:40,886
And I bought two more jugs of soy sauce?
199
00:07:40,888 --> 00:07:43,155
Dammit, Roger!
Now what am I gonna do?
200
00:07:43,224 --> 00:07:45,824
Um, there is one guy I know
201
00:07:45,825 --> 00:07:47,827
that would definitely have it right now.
202
00:07:47,828 --> 00:07:49,094
Only problem is
203
00:07:49,163 --> 00:07:51,030
he's pretty much our biggest enemy.
204
00:07:51,098 --> 00:07:52,831
I'm talking about...
205
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,099
Santa.
206
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:56,301
Oh, yeah, he is our biggest enemy.
207
00:07:56,302 --> 00:07:58,238
For a second I thought you were
talking about the guy
208
00:07:58,239 --> 00:08:00,907
that made up that song about me
on the shuttle to the airport
209
00:08:00,908 --> 00:08:02,042
and got everyone to join in.
210
00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:04,309
What? No, that guy was hilarious.
211
00:08:04,378 --> 00:08:06,311
? Big chin guy dropped his bag ?
212
00:08:06,380 --> 00:08:08,313
? Got real mad in a fight
with his wife ?
213
00:08:08,315 --> 00:08:09,582
? Gonna miss his flight! ?
214
00:08:09,650 --> 00:08:10,716
? Oh, yeah! ?
215
00:08:12,336 --> 00:08:16,122
You know how you two are always begging
216
00:08:16,123 --> 00:08:17,683
for a bigger role in the family?
217
00:08:17,725 --> 00:08:18,858
- No.
- Yes.
218
00:08:18,926 --> 00:08:20,259
Well, now's your chance.
219
00:08:20,327 --> 00:08:23,128
I'm gonna super-speed Stan
up to the North Pole
220
00:08:23,129 --> 00:08:25,532
to get a present, and we need
you two to cover for us.
221
00:08:25,533 --> 00:08:28,400
You want Rogu and me to pretend
to be the two of you?
222
00:08:28,402 --> 00:08:30,936
Yeah, Rogu will be me,
and you'll be Stan.
223
00:08:31,004 --> 00:08:32,271
Why do I have to be Stan?
224
00:08:32,339 --> 00:08:34,940
I'm more like Roger. I'm wild.
225
00:08:34,941 --> 00:08:36,943
Wait, you would rather be Roger than me?
226
00:08:36,944 --> 00:08:40,346
"I'm daddy. I like wine."
227
00:08:40,414 --> 00:08:43,348
Please tell me that's not
your impression of me, Rogu.
228
00:08:43,417 --> 00:08:45,417
Wine's not even a big part of who I am.
229
00:08:45,418 --> 00:08:47,220
Well, you do drink a lot of wine, Roger.
230
00:08:47,221 --> 00:08:48,488
I do a lot of a lot of things!
231
00:08:48,489 --> 00:08:50,689
All right, stop. Time is of the essence.
232
00:08:50,758 --> 00:08:51,891
Rogu will play me,
233
00:08:51,959 --> 00:08:54,159
and Klaus the traitor will play Roger.
234
00:08:54,228 --> 00:08:55,561
We're depending on you two.
235
00:08:55,629 --> 00:08:57,496
The fate of Christmas as we know it
236
00:08:57,565 --> 00:08:59,265
is in the balance.
237
00:09:02,303 --> 00:09:03,503
Okay, maybe you shoulda...
238
00:09:03,571 --> 00:09:06,505
climbed in after... Yeah. No, I got it.
239
00:09:06,506 --> 00:09:08,174
Man, we haven't even left the house yet,
240
00:09:08,175 --> 00:09:10,041
and my thighs are burning.
241
00:09:10,111 --> 00:09:12,444
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYS]
242
00:09:12,446 --> 00:09:18,984
??
243
00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:25,524
??
244
00:09:25,593 --> 00:09:28,727
Hey! That's the elf
that choked me out last time.
245
00:09:28,796 --> 00:09:29,962
I'm gonna go say hi.
246
00:09:30,009 --> 00:09:31,337
Roger, no!
247
00:09:32,119 --> 00:09:35,935
Hey, remember me from a few years ago?
248
00:09:36,003 --> 00:09:37,669
[HOARSELY] He remembers...
249
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:39,872
how I like it.
250
00:09:41,578 --> 00:09:44,544
Now I've got to convince Santa
251
00:09:44,545 --> 00:09:46,279
to give me this year's hottest gift.
252
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,415
After I convince him
not to kill me, of course.
253
00:09:48,416 --> 00:09:52,083
This is gonna take all
my C.I.A. negotiation training.
254
00:09:52,085 --> 00:09:54,286
Please, please, please don't kill me!
255
00:09:54,355 --> 00:09:56,088
I need an Opulus. I'll do anything.
256
00:09:56,157 --> 00:09:57,356
I'll eat gross stuff.
257
00:09:57,357 --> 00:09:58,691
I'll put firecrackers in my butt.
258
00:09:58,692 --> 00:10:00,627
I'll tell the guys at work
how I manscape
259
00:10:00,628 --> 00:10:02,963
using a pair of plastic
kindergarten scissors.
260
00:10:02,964 --> 00:10:04,014
I'll do anything!
261
00:10:04,031 --> 00:10:05,965
Jesus, man, get up.
262
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:09,034
The neighbors record everything.
263
00:10:09,103 --> 00:10:11,170
You're lucky you caught me when you did.
264
00:10:11,238 --> 00:10:14,105
Christmas Eve right before
I deliver presents
265
00:10:14,107 --> 00:10:15,507
is when I'm nicest.
266
00:10:15,509 --> 00:10:18,109
Good, because my son's gunning for me.
267
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:19,446
And if I don't get him an Opulus,
268
00:10:19,447 --> 00:10:22,514
I lose my crown
as my family's King of Presents.
269
00:10:22,516 --> 00:10:23,649
There you are!
270
00:10:23,650 --> 00:10:25,118
Why aren't you answering your texts?
271
00:10:25,119 --> 00:10:27,252
I think I left my cellphone somewhere.
272
00:10:27,321 --> 00:10:29,388
You are killing me right now.
273
00:10:29,457 --> 00:10:31,122
We have to stay on schedule.
274
00:10:31,124 --> 00:10:32,792
I'm coming, Guffrie!
275
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,126
I have a guest right now!
276
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:36,797
Those are contradictory sentences.
277
00:10:36,798 --> 00:10:38,497
I'm coming!
278
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,867
- Nog?
- Oh, I shouldn't.
279
00:10:41,935 --> 00:10:43,402
Oh, actually, what the hell?
280
00:10:43,471 --> 00:10:46,361
How often you get the chance
to drink Santa's nog, right?
281
00:10:46,407 --> 00:10:49,208
You might be able to hold
off your son this year, Stan,
282
00:10:49,276 --> 00:10:51,276
but he's going to keep coming for you.
283
00:10:51,345 --> 00:10:53,945
I've been in the presents game
a long time,
284
00:10:53,947 --> 00:10:58,017
and I've never seen anything
like what's happening now.
285
00:10:58,085 --> 00:10:59,135
The Internet?
286
00:10:59,153 --> 00:11:00,952
Amazon?
287
00:11:01,022 --> 00:11:02,822
And you know who I blame?
288
00:11:02,890 --> 00:11:04,223
The millennials.
289
00:11:04,224 --> 00:11:05,892
Don't even get me started on them.
290
00:11:05,893 --> 00:11:10,095
Never seen anything like them
in my 2,000 years,
291
00:11:10,164 --> 00:11:14,033
with their cool haircuts
and their skinny jeans.
292
00:11:14,101 --> 00:11:15,901
I don't understand the skinny jeans.
293
00:11:15,902 --> 00:11:17,103
What if you want to sit down?
294
00:11:17,104 --> 00:11:18,424
That can't be comfortable.
295
00:11:18,439 --> 00:11:21,907
And when you do,
where does the penis go?
296
00:11:21,975 --> 00:11:23,375
Where does the penis go?
297
00:11:23,444 --> 00:11:26,111
That's why I like
a baggier crotch in my pants.
298
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:28,714
I love it. I love a baggy crotch.
299
00:11:28,782 --> 00:11:31,192
I'd like to wear those
baggy pants that men wore
300
00:11:31,193 --> 00:11:33,586
in middle-eastern bazaars,
like in "Aladdin."
301
00:11:33,587 --> 00:11:36,055
Oh, I have a pair, and I love them.
302
00:11:36,123 --> 00:11:37,789
They're called harem pants.
303
00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:41,727
And by the way, they're back
in a big way right now, Stan.
304
00:11:41,795 --> 00:11:45,931
I gotta say, I'm surprised
we're getting along so well.
305
00:11:45,999 --> 00:11:47,132
Me, too.
306
00:11:47,201 --> 00:11:48,734
It's too bad we're enemies,
307
00:11:48,802 --> 00:11:52,337
'cause you really got your head
screwed on straight.
308
00:11:52,406 --> 00:11:55,074
Can I show you something
I've been working on?
309
00:11:55,142 --> 00:11:57,743
Of course. You can show me anything.
310
00:11:57,811 --> 00:11:59,979
[APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION]
311
00:12:01,482 --> 00:12:04,283
Shouldn't we be spending
Christmas Eve together?
312
00:12:04,351 --> 00:12:07,419
Just let your dad spin out
upstairs with Roger.
313
00:12:07,488 --> 00:12:10,289
The Enrique Iglesias
holiday special is on,
314
00:12:10,358 --> 00:12:15,026
and he really revs my vagina,
if you know what I mean.
315
00:12:15,028 --> 00:12:16,095
It's...
316
00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:17,763
You're being very clear.
317
00:12:17,831 --> 00:12:20,031
KLAUS: Oh, hi, Stan, it's me, Roger.
318
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,100
What are you doing?
319
00:12:21,168 --> 00:12:23,368
ROGU: Taking shower.
320
00:12:23,437 --> 00:12:26,171
I'm loud man.
321
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,573
There. Stop worrying.
322
00:12:27,641 --> 00:12:29,108
Your dad's taking a shower.
323
00:12:29,176 --> 00:12:30,976
Why's he using our shower?
324
00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:33,713
ROGU: Loud man like variety.
325
00:12:33,781 --> 00:12:35,781
There. You satisfied?
326
00:12:35,849 --> 00:12:38,717
Loud man like variety.
327
00:12:38,786 --> 00:12:40,519
[JINGLE PLAYS]
328
00:12:40,588 --> 00:12:44,456
Now that we've stolen
the technology from the Opulus,
329
00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:47,192
I'm making my own version.
330
00:12:47,261 --> 00:12:49,795
I call them Jollygoggles.
331
00:12:49,863 --> 00:12:53,399
And they'll take you anywhere
in the Jingleverse...
332
00:12:53,467 --> 00:12:55,735
my version of the metaverse.
333
00:12:55,803 --> 00:12:57,136
Sick names.
334
00:12:57,204 --> 00:13:01,206
In the Jingleverse,
you can go anywhere...
335
00:13:01,275 --> 00:13:02,674
the Alps...
336
00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:04,209
the Caribbean...
337
00:13:04,278 --> 00:13:06,678
space!
338
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,349
And it's so real,
people will never take them off.
339
00:13:10,418 --> 00:13:12,684
They'll spend all their time in there,
340
00:13:12,686 --> 00:13:15,621
even exchanging virtual presents
341
00:13:15,689 --> 00:13:17,757
in the Jingleverse on Christmas.
342
00:13:17,825 --> 00:13:22,361
And with the computer set up
to give out any gift imaginable,
343
00:13:22,430 --> 00:13:26,432
I'll never have to make
another toy in my life.
344
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:27,899
Nice.
345
00:13:27,969 --> 00:13:30,836
Hey, you don't think I could get
a pair of Jollygoggles
346
00:13:30,904 --> 00:13:32,237
for Steve, do you?
347
00:13:32,238 --> 00:13:34,507
Unfortunately, we're
a little late to market
348
00:13:34,508 --> 00:13:37,509
because we haven't had
any human beta-testers.
349
00:13:37,578 --> 00:13:41,781
Just elves, and all they want
is Christmas porn.
350
00:13:41,849 --> 00:13:43,315
Dirty little buggers.
351
00:13:43,317 --> 00:13:45,851
We do have the hard-wired
prototypes here.
352
00:13:45,919 --> 00:13:46,969
Wait, Stan.
353
00:13:46,988 --> 00:13:49,455
What if we put your family
in the Jingleverse
354
00:13:49,523 --> 00:13:50,856
without them knowing?
355
00:13:50,924 --> 00:13:52,124
Why would we do that?
356
00:13:52,193 --> 00:13:54,259
Because it's so real, when they wake up,
357
00:13:54,328 --> 00:13:56,462
they'd think it's real life.
358
00:13:56,530 --> 00:14:01,600
And we could program it so
you're King of Presents forever.
359
00:14:01,669 --> 00:14:02,934
Oh-Kay!
360
00:14:03,004 --> 00:14:04,204
So, how would we do that?
361
00:14:04,205 --> 00:14:05,672
When I'm delivering presents,
362
00:14:05,673 --> 00:14:07,406
I'll just stop by your house,
363
00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:09,208
grab them, and bring them here.
364
00:14:09,276 --> 00:14:11,076
You'd really do that for me?
365
00:14:11,144 --> 00:14:12,678
Of course.
366
00:14:12,746 --> 00:14:14,013
Thanks.
367
00:14:14,081 --> 00:14:15,147
Here you are.
368
00:14:15,149 --> 00:14:16,682
I'm coming!
369
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,350
If you don't leave right now,
370
00:14:18,352 --> 00:14:19,951
children in the first time zone...
371
00:14:20,021 --> 00:14:22,121
I said I'm coming!
372
00:14:24,825 --> 00:14:27,759
[SCREAMING]
373
00:14:27,828 --> 00:14:29,161
Why do we look like this?
374
00:14:29,229 --> 00:14:31,429
What are you... ah!
375
00:14:31,431 --> 00:14:33,031
Mamma Mia! This isn't good.
376
00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:34,083
[SCREAMS]
377
00:14:34,102 --> 00:14:36,034
Why am I numbers?
378
00:14:36,036 --> 00:14:37,235
Why is babe numbers?!
379
00:14:37,305 --> 00:14:38,904
I'm not good at numbers!
380
00:14:38,973 --> 00:14:41,373
Okay, obviously this isn't real life.
381
00:14:41,374 --> 00:14:42,642
Only a fool would think that.
382
00:14:42,643 --> 00:14:44,442
This is the Jingleverse,
383
00:14:44,444 --> 00:14:46,512
the Christmas version of the metaverse.
384
00:14:46,580 --> 00:14:48,714
It's an experience I got you.
385
00:14:48,782 --> 00:14:52,184
The King of Presents, baby!
386
00:14:52,252 --> 00:14:55,253
I can't believe those elves
knocked-out and kidnapped
387
00:14:55,255 --> 00:14:56,722
the whole family except us.
388
00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:59,057
We're main family members.
389
00:14:59,127 --> 00:15:01,259
I'm loud man.
390
00:15:01,260 --> 00:15:02,662
We gotta go to the �orth �ole
391
00:15:02,663 --> 00:15:04,697
and save and/or avenge these [BLEEP]
392
00:15:04,765 --> 00:15:05,831
Let's ride!
393
00:15:08,136 --> 00:15:09,668
Try to have a little fun.
394
00:15:09,737 --> 00:15:11,804
We can go anywhere in the Jingleverse.
395
00:15:11,872 --> 00:15:14,272
We can go to the �lps.
396
00:15:14,274 --> 00:15:15,741
Oh, my God. It's so cold.
397
00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:18,610
I can't believe how real
the cold feels.
398
00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:20,278
And what is that?
399
00:15:20,348 --> 00:15:21,747
Run.
400
00:15:21,816 --> 00:15:23,816
Ruuuun!
401
00:15:23,884 --> 00:15:25,017
[ALL SCREAMING]
402
00:15:25,085 --> 00:15:27,285
Stan, what the hell's going on?
403
00:15:27,355 --> 00:15:29,287
It's okay. None of this is real.
404
00:15:29,357 --> 00:15:32,290
We're wearing goggles we can take off.
405
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,292
Ahh. I can't get mine off.
406
00:15:34,362 --> 00:15:35,494
I can't get mine off!
407
00:15:35,496 --> 00:15:36,695
Santa! Santa!
408
00:15:36,764 --> 00:15:37,830
Santa?!
409
00:15:37,898 --> 00:15:41,367
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
410
00:15:41,435 --> 00:15:43,769
What the hell is he doing here?
411
00:15:43,838 --> 00:15:45,437
Oh, it's cool. We're friends now.
412
00:15:45,438 --> 00:15:47,040
Hey, man, I can't get my goggles off.
413
00:15:47,041 --> 00:15:49,708
That's because they're fused
to your head,
414
00:15:49,777 --> 00:15:52,644
just like they'll be fused
to every human's head
415
00:15:52,713 --> 00:15:53,979
next Christmas!
416
00:15:54,048 --> 00:15:56,815
Wait, once you put on the Jollygoggles,
417
00:15:56,884 --> 00:15:57,934
they never come off?
418
00:15:57,985 --> 00:15:59,718
Yeah, we think it's a feature
419
00:15:59,787 --> 00:16:02,388
that'll really help us
with user retention.
420
00:16:02,456 --> 00:16:03,789
But this place sucks.
421
00:16:03,858 --> 00:16:07,325
I've seen better coded
'90s geocities sites.
422
00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:09,261
Hey! It's going to get a lot better
423
00:16:09,329 --> 00:16:13,331
now that I finally have
some human beta-testers.
424
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:14,533
You tricked me.
425
00:16:14,535 --> 00:16:16,668
Hey, you were so worried
426
00:16:16,737 --> 00:16:19,071
about your dumb King of Presents thing,
427
00:16:19,139 --> 00:16:21,473
you would've agreed to anything.
428
00:16:21,542 --> 00:16:22,875
Wait, Stan.
429
00:16:22,943 --> 00:16:26,478
You agreed to let Santa
put us in here?
430
00:16:26,547 --> 00:16:29,147
The guy that left a diaper full of shit
431
00:16:29,217 --> 00:16:31,283
under our Christmas tree?
432
00:16:31,351 --> 00:16:33,151
That was not me.
433
00:16:33,153 --> 00:16:34,553
I shit coal.
434
00:16:34,555 --> 00:16:35,821
I had to do something.
435
00:16:35,822 --> 00:16:38,291
Steve was gonna steal
my King of Presents crown.
436
00:16:38,292 --> 00:16:40,826
What? I just wanted to
give you a nice gift.
437
00:16:40,895 --> 00:16:43,495
Just wanted to give me a nice gift,
438
00:16:43,564 --> 00:16:45,097
just because.
439
00:16:45,165 --> 00:16:46,632
Not just because.
440
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:49,167
Because you're always there for us.
441
00:16:49,169 --> 00:16:51,837
Shoot, you went all the way
to the North Pole
442
00:16:51,838 --> 00:16:53,907
on Christmas Eve
just to get me a present.
443
00:16:53,908 --> 00:16:57,175
Steve, do not use this
as a positive example.
444
00:16:57,177 --> 00:16:59,978
That's why I wanted to get you
such a great present.
445
00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:02,581
Because you're always
doing crazy stuff for us.
446
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:03,849
Thanks, Steve.
447
00:17:03,918 --> 00:17:06,785
I'm sorry I got you all stuck in here.
448
00:17:06,787 --> 00:17:07,853
We should be at home.
449
00:17:07,922 --> 00:17:09,321
Wait. We're not at home?
450
00:17:09,389 --> 00:17:11,389
No, we're at the mercy of some...
451
00:17:11,391 --> 00:17:13,592
Millennial-looking Santa.
452
00:17:13,594 --> 00:17:15,728
JEFF: He looks like Macklemore.
453
00:17:15,796 --> 00:17:18,597
More like if Santa ate Macklemore.
454
00:17:18,598 --> 00:17:20,400
[LAUGHS] Dammit. Quit making me laugh.
455
00:17:20,401 --> 00:17:23,068
[SNIFFS] Oh, my God!
456
00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,336
What is that smell?
457
00:17:24,405 --> 00:17:27,673
Ugh! It smells like dad's egg-nog farts.
458
00:17:27,674 --> 00:17:29,609
Santa offered. What am I supposed to do,
459
00:17:29,610 --> 00:17:32,411
say no to Kris freakin'
Kringle's personal nog?
460
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,213
You talkin' about Ho-Ho-Host Malone's
461
00:17:35,283 --> 00:17:36,882
nog over here?
462
00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:37,750
[LAUGHTER]
463
00:17:37,751 --> 00:17:39,151
Okay, you know what?
464
00:17:39,219 --> 00:17:40,486
Screw you guys.
465
00:17:40,554 --> 00:17:42,955
To Jinglejail Island!
466
00:17:45,693 --> 00:17:48,026
[SCREAMING]
467
00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:50,296
Oh, my God. It's so cold again!
468
00:17:50,364 --> 00:17:54,833
Yep, and you'll get to feel it
for the rest of your lives...
469
00:17:54,902 --> 00:17:59,772
Well, as long as I can keep
your bodies alive in real life.
470
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,807
- [CLANGING]
- [GASPS]
471
00:18:04,578 --> 00:18:06,912
Steve, I drank that nog in real life,
472
00:18:06,981 --> 00:18:09,047
which means I farted in real life.
473
00:18:09,117 --> 00:18:11,784
- Cool, Dad.
- And we all smelt it in real life.
474
00:18:11,852 --> 00:18:14,787
Which means we're all
in the same room.
475
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,923
I'm going after Santa.
476
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:23,662
- Ow!
- Hey!
477
00:18:23,731 --> 00:18:24,997
- Hello.
- Hoo-hoo!
478
00:18:25,065 --> 00:18:28,567
Hey! Someone touched me!
479
00:18:29,097 --> 00:18:34,407
I gotta give you props on
getting us this Snocat, Rogu.
480
00:18:34,408 --> 00:18:37,810
Whatever you told that guy
in the shed really worked.
481
00:18:37,878 --> 00:18:42,114
Daddy teach me power of persuasion.
482
00:18:47,087 --> 00:18:49,221
That's you, isn't it, Stan?
483
00:18:49,289 --> 00:18:50,356
Guffrie!
484
00:18:50,424 --> 00:18:53,492
Release me from the Jingleverse!
485
00:18:53,494 --> 00:18:55,627
Guffrie! Ugh!
486
00:18:55,696 --> 00:18:56,895
What do we do?
487
00:18:56,897 --> 00:18:58,564
Let's see where this goes.
488
00:18:58,632 --> 00:19:00,833
Stan, you've got no way out.
489
00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:02,034
I'll make you a deal.
490
00:19:02,102 --> 00:19:05,904
Leave your family in here
and move in with me.
491
00:19:05,906 --> 00:19:08,774
Kings of Presents-slash-roommates.
492
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:10,642
You know it'd be lit.
493
00:19:10,643 --> 00:19:12,045
I don't wanna be King of Presents
494
00:19:12,046 --> 00:19:14,046
if the presents aren't for my family.
495
00:19:14,114 --> 00:19:16,648
- Ugh! Ugh!
- Oh!
496
00:19:16,717 --> 00:19:19,317
That was a big mistake Stan.
497
00:19:19,387 --> 00:19:22,054
Where are you, Guffrie?!
498
00:19:22,055 --> 00:19:23,723
You're there, aren't you, Guffrie?
499
00:19:23,724 --> 00:19:24,923
Let my family out.
500
00:19:24,992 --> 00:19:26,859
You can keep Santa in here all year
501
00:19:26,927 --> 00:19:28,260
and run things your way.
502
00:19:28,328 --> 00:19:30,128
You know how much better it would be.
503
00:19:30,130 --> 00:19:32,264
Guffrie, if you are seriously there
504
00:19:32,332 --> 00:19:35,934
and listening to this,
I am going to shit myself.
505
00:19:36,003 --> 00:19:37,683
And then you can free all the elves
506
00:19:37,738 --> 00:19:39,605
he's locked up in the Jingleverse.
507
00:19:39,606 --> 00:19:41,007
That's gotta be eating at you.
508
00:19:41,008 --> 00:19:42,140
Oh, wow.
509
00:19:42,142 --> 00:19:44,076
Always nice to have the C.I.A. come by
510
00:19:44,144 --> 00:19:47,613
and lecture me
on putting people in cages.
511
00:19:47,681 --> 00:19:49,415
[WHIRRING]
512
00:19:49,483 --> 00:19:51,183
[GOOGLES BEEP]
513
00:19:54,154 --> 00:19:56,955
Oh, you dicks!
514
00:19:56,957 --> 00:19:58,624
I'm gonna kill you, Smith!
515
00:19:58,693 --> 00:20:00,292
I know where you live!
516
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:04,096
I know where everybody lives!
517
00:20:04,164 --> 00:20:05,764
Let's go.
518
00:20:05,766 --> 00:20:10,636
??
519
00:20:10,705 --> 00:20:12,872
I'm the Santa now.
520
00:20:16,043 --> 00:20:18,273
Hey, you guys trying
to get out of here, too?
521
00:20:18,312 --> 00:20:19,511
I just had a three-way,
522
00:20:19,580 --> 00:20:21,980
and we were not all
on the same page.
523
00:20:21,982 --> 00:20:23,315
Hearts were broken.
524
00:20:23,383 --> 00:20:24,717
What's that?
525
00:20:28,989 --> 00:20:30,656
Somebody need a ride?
526
00:20:30,725 --> 00:20:33,125
Chicks ride free.
527
00:20:33,193 --> 00:20:34,727
We can't all fit in there.
528
00:20:34,795 --> 00:20:36,795
Look over there.
529
00:20:36,797 --> 00:20:38,430
And over there!
530
00:20:38,599 --> 00:20:46,004
??
531
00:20:46,006 --> 00:20:47,873
Welp, another pretty good Christmas
532
00:20:47,874 --> 00:20:49,142
in the books, wouldn't you say?
533
00:20:49,143 --> 00:20:51,610
ROGER: Jesus. What is that smell?
534
00:20:51,612 --> 00:20:53,345
- Stan! - Dad!
- Dad!
535
00:20:53,413 --> 00:20:54,813
JEFF: Ugh!
536
00:20:54,882 --> 00:20:57,049
STAN: Merry Christmas!
537
00:20:58,686 --> 00:21:00,319
Have a great night!
538
00:21:00,369 --> 00:21:04,919
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