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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,599
Competition!
Winning is all that matters.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,239
Being a da makes a man of you,
that's for sure.
3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,399
There it is! I'm no a da,
so I cannae fully be a man.
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,479
You know I can take you.
5
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,599
You can barely take a shite
without greeting.
6
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,039
Hey!
7
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,039
I love this big idiot!
I love him.
8
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,479
You just attacked them using
my fish as a cloche!
9
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,319
You can only talk to Vonny.
10
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,559
It's the school.
I'm ready to do the work.
11
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,559
I cannae say a word
about wanting a wain.
12
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,319
We're going to be amazing parents.
13
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,360
GASPS
14
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,439
It's that time of year when we elect
to celebrate the birth of the
15
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,919
most important person in history.
16
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,279
Me!
17
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:46,519
I'm turning 40
18
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,159
and I don't want to hear
one word about Christmas.
19
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:53,840
How amazing is it to have your
birthday in the run-up to Christmas?
20
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,079
I've booked this lovely
country house up north
21
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,719
to throw a party for Vonny.
The whole family are going.
22
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,719
Woo! We're going to have such
a good time! Uh...
23
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,839
Like I said, my whole family
are going.
24
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,839
Why am I invited?
25
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,519
Nae idea.
26
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,679
Maybe Vonny fancies me.
27
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,759
Oh, Laura!
28
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,360
Oh, it's gorgeous.
29
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,319
BOTH: Swingers' hoose.
30
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,199
Mm, and you've got it all dressed
up for Christmas already?
31
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,919
Yeah. Eilidh, can you get these
down?
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00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,399
This is all about me.
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00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,999
Absolutely. Christmas,
it's cancelled.
34
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,199
Oh! Oh, she's quite right.
35
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,119
Decorations are going up earlier
each year. A lock of shite.
36
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,279
Henry, it's four days away.
37
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,839
Right, party time!
38
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,079
I'm gonnae wreck this joint.
39
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,999
Oh! Vincent.
40
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,399
I'm the one who pays for any
breakages. Aw... Here.
41
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,439
Is that so? Is that so? Well, here,
42
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,999
stick this in your ben wee sacks.
43
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,559
Hey? That should cover it.
44
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,440
I'm away to bring in the swally.
45
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,959
Vincent wants to have a wain.
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00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,519
But he cannae face telling Vonny
47
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,240
and so, he's been in his
full Vinny mode.
48
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,079
MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKER
49
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,480
HE TURNS UP VOLUME
50
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:15,199
I think this is such a lovely,
peaceful place to spend Christma...
51
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,559
A birthday.
52
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,879
Never again are we giving you
a lift, ya big bastar...
53
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,559
Get my box in!
54
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,639
Well, excuse me for trying to
wake you up to the insidious claw
55
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,519
of global conspiracies.
56
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,159
Look, Joe Rogan said...
57
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,719
Say one more thing about your
daft podcasts
58
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,320
and it'll be the insidious claw
of my acrylics across your dish!
59
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,199
Never listened to a podcast
in my life.
60
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,679
Superscoreboard's plenty for me!
61
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,480
JAUNTY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS
62
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:50,559
So, you are in the master bedroom
upstairs... The honeymoon suite!
63
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,959
God, don't tell Vinnie that.
64
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,359
Jason, Erin and Eilidh, I'm sorry,
65
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:59,199
you guys are going to have to share
a bunk room. That'll be fun! Fun?
66
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,919
Sharing with Jason?
Have you packed gas masks?
67
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,640
Well, I don't actually
plan on doing any farts, so...
68
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,839
Colette, the big ground floor
room is yours,
69
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,839
save you going at any stairs
or anything...
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00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,959
Aye, the blind guy will take
the stairs.
71
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,559
Is this an insurance job?
72
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:20,319
Ronnie, I'm 35 weeks pregnant. 36!
73
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,599
Oh, that's right!
Aw, what're you like?
74
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,159
Here, do you think the wain's
head should've moved round by now?
75
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,840
Oh... Jason had by now.
76
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,999
I'm reaching my limit with this.
77
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:37,040
I'm no going to be shunted to
the side for the likes of Laura.
78
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,720
So... This is you, Moira.
79
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,759
It's nice. Nice?
80
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,999
It's like the room in a horror film
they keep the madwoman in....
81
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,679
SHE SIGHS
82
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,640
That bed looks the kind of
bed that people have died in.
83
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,079
The room is lovely, ma.
84
00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,999
I bet there's loads of people
have lain dead on that bed...
85
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,399
..for months before they were
peeled off,
86
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,239
imprints of their big rotten arses
87
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,199
left on the mattress,
like the Turin Shroud!
88
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,199
Aye, but do you like your room, ma?
89
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,920
HUMOURLESSLY: Ha-ha-ha-ha...
90
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,959
You know... This is supposed
to be our room, ma.
91
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,719
For two!
92
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,639
But you both like that wee cosy
room, didn't ye?
93
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,319
Aye...
94
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,559
I'll just sleep in here.
95
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:30,880
SHE CHUCKLES
96
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,039
HE SIGHS
Right..
97
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,240
OK.
98
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,840
Here...
99
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,119
She's trying to get a rise out of
me, but I'm not taking the bait.
100
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,360
This'll do us.
101
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:54,039
Do you remember we used to love
sleeping in a single bed together?
102
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,519
Aye, but that was when we were
young.
103
00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,920
And bendy!
104
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,119
We would've happily slept together
on an ironing board back then.
105
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,839
Mm-hm...
106
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,599
Well...
107
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,399
If you don't like the bed,
108
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,840
maybe you should have
stood up to your mum?
109
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,999
It's not that hard, actually.
110
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,840
You should try and sometimes, stud.
111
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,199
Beautiful room.
112
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,359
I've got the gift of the gab.
113
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,999
I mean, my patter gets women's
ovaries rattling like
114
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,719
rosary beads at a Pope's pool party,
so why is it so difficult for me
115
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,799
to tell my own wife that
I want to have a baby?
116
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,920
Beautiful room...
117
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,119
..for sexual intercourse.
118
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,799
Oh...!
119
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,719
Will you be wearing those sunglasses
during that as well?
120
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,959
Well...
121
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,839
Pretty soon, I won't have to wear
anything else.
122
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,879
Here's how a genius
flushes out the truth.
123
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,439
Because I am getting the snip.
124
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,559
The snip? Mm-hm.
125
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,280
Getting my homos cut off.
126
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:14,039
What do you think about that?
I don't know, um...
127
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,519
Is that hesitation?
128
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,439
That's what I'm wanting to hear...
129
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,960
I guess it would let us be
more spontaneous.
130
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,759
Allow us to have our fun
wherever and whenever,
131
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,759
just the way we like it.
132
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,359
OK.
133
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,959
Let's hammer the final nail into the
coffin in my redundant testicles.
134
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,480
OK. Don't need my balls anyway.
135
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,799
They're rotten.
136
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,239
Something's going on,
but I'm not going to analyse it.
137
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,159
It's my birthday.
And it's Christmas.
138
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,239
No, it's my birthday.
139
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,239
Right, line me up, line me up!
Wee bit.. Side steps to the left..
140
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,999
Right here...!
141
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,359
Hold on, hold on!
142
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,760
Clear!
143
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,079
Did I split it? You barely even
scratched the log, Ronnie.
144
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,799
I wasnae aiming for the log.
145
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,439
I was aiming for Henry's napper!
146
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,039
See, this is what you need, Vincent,
147
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,080
apparently it's good
for relieving stress. Oh, is it?
148
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,640
Argh!
149
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,479
HE PANTS
150
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,279
Are you stressing about
this wain coming, Darren? No...
151
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,279
HENRY LAUGHS
152
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:20,720
I'll get a bash.
153
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,719
I'll need to imagine I'm Gottric
154
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,719
using my ancient rune master's axe
of Carrick Doom.
155
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,040
All I heard was,
"I'm still a virgin!"
156
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:31,840
HE LAUGHS
157
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,839
Here... Right, boys...
158
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,599
I'll show you how it's done.
159
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:39,640
Watch this.
160
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,679
Jason Momoa!
161
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,559
What ye doing, ye banana bomb?
162
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,200
Somebody could be oot for a walk.
163
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,119
That was quite irresponsible,
Vincent. Good.
164
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,479
Here, listen...
165
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,599
Don't let fatherhood
turn you into Henry, right?
166
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,599
You're like me, you've got an edge.
I'm on edge.
167
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,319
Do you want me to go and do
a somersault of that roof up there?
168
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,359
How high? No! All right!
169
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,720
OK, then.
170
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,359
Maybe I just make you tap out,
won't I? Eh?
171
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,359
Ask him, ref. Ask him, ref!
172
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,719
HE GRUNTS
173
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,239
Is he bre...?
174
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,080
You don't like that,
big man, do you?
175
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,039
Oh, because she thinks
she's so gorgeous as well.
176
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,839
And she's never in! I mean,
who looks after the wains?
177
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,079
Oh, what are yous on about?
Real Housewives. Ah, Housewives.
178
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,159
Looking for some tips, Laura?
179
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,320
Laura?
180
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,599
When did you feel all right about
leaving the baby with a baby-sitter?
181
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,240
I still don't feel right leaving
Jason in the house by himself.
182
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,319
Can I help yous with
the cooking there?
183
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,799
No, we're fine, Mammy -
this is one of Laura's specialities.
184
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,200
So just you relax.
185
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,800
GRUNTING
186
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,999
What's going on inside
that beautiful,
187
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,440
blatantly wig-bedecked
head of yours, Vincent Scott?
188
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,320
Hi.
189
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,879
HE STUTTERS
I'll...go on the top, if you want?
190
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,759
I don't mind.
I'm happy to go on the bottom.
191
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,279
Or...would you rather go on top?
Because that's cool with me.
192
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:30,399
Well, I'm happy to be on top...
Or the bottom.
193
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,760
This is like listening to
the world's most polite porno.
194
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,479
Darren's got amazing at
painting my toenails -
195
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,879
since I've stopped being able to
reach them myself. I love it.
196
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:45,920
I even do my own now.
197
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,639
Darren...
198
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,879
Away and take yourself for a shite.
199
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,359
I'm not...
200
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,280
It means... Get out.
201
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,759
I...am...stressed.
202
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,719
I keep having these dreams
that I cannae get her
203
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,919
to the hospital on time.
204
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,799
I try to push
the accelerator on the motor
205
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,679
and my foot just
turns into chocolate mousse.
206
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,599
And then I eat my feet.
207
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,039
I love chocolate, man.
208
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:16,039
I was just thinking, it'd be nice to
have some mother-daughter time.
209
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,520
Aw, that's lovely.
210
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:20,479
Do you want to do my nails?
211
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,279
Naw, I just wondered
if you needed any...advice,
212
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,839
or if you had any
worries about the pregnancy.
213
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,959
Naw, no' really.
214
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,759
Cos I've been through it
three times, you know.
215
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,279
There's a lot of knowledge there.
216
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:40,119
Mair knowledge than certain wans
that have just had the two.
217
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:44,279
Well, if I think of anything,
I'll ask.
218
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:51,039
So, don't think I didnae notice you
crawling up Bearsden Barbie's
219
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:55,279
wee perfumed arse
ever since you got up the duff.
220
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:59,079
I've no' been crawling anywhere.
I just...
221
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,839
..sometimes get a wee bit of advice.
From her?!
222
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,039
What about asking advice from me?
223
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:09,039
I've had a much harder shift
as a mammy than that yin ever did.
224
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,840
Well, maybe I'm no' expecting
to have a hard shift, Ma.
225
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,119
I've got Darren, I've got you.
226
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,879
I just wanted advice
fae somebody that's...
227
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,040
..managed to get it kind of...
228
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,519
Ach, you know what I mean.
229
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,360
Managed to get it kind of...
230
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,000
..to get it right?
231
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,959
I think you're a great mammy, Mammy.
232
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,600
Well, you've a funny way
of showing it.
233
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,559
Oh, and another thing, you
get your man to paint your nails
234
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,999
and it'll be his ain nails he's
painting next.
235
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,840
HE INHALES DEEPLY
236
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:56,000
SHE HUMS
237
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,399
A birthday dinner with family
is nice,
238
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,959
but Vonny Scott is just
pure showbiz,
239
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,799
and I wanted a good
old-fashioned roast.
240
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,959
Apparently, a roast is when you all
get together and slag off
241
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,639
all your pals mercilessly, wi' jokes
that could get you arrested.
242
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:16,959
SHE CHUCKLES
243
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,879
To me, that's just like a night
at the bingo.
244
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,199
THEY LAUGH
245
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:27,039
But, most of all, I respect Vonny's
world-renowned performances
246
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,999
in the West End.
247
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,599
Of Glasgow.
248
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,519
Dumbarton Road, to be precise.
249
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,120
Working as a prostitute!
250
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,439
That is why I invited you, Ronnie.
Yeah, Ronnie!
251
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,360
THEY CHEER
252
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,840
It's witty, but...
253
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,399
..I've got a bit of
a wee roast myself.
254
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,239
Ah, maybe leave it, Vincent.
255
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,479
Who wants to hear something very,
256
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,919
very embarrassing indeed about
Vonny Scott? Oh, me!
257
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,199
SHE LAUGHS
258
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,359
The hottest woman on this planet
259
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,480
is about to become the wife
of a concubine.
260
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,719
Hear the heartbreaking
song...
261
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,480
HIGH�PITCHED:
..of the castrato.
262
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,319
And say goodbye...
263
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,359
..to these...peacetime...soldiers.
264
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,800
I thank you.
265
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,359
Pish! I was much funnier.
266
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,119
All this roasting going on
and nobody thought
267
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,799
to roast the tatties properly.
268
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,399
Good one, Moira.
269
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,200
Oh, what are we getting noo?
270
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,839
We're roasting Vonny.
So, let's get this back to Vonny.
271
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:59,399
What is this - the Laura Sheridan
fan club?
272
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,319
Laura Sheridan?!
273
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,839
Laura Scott.
274
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,359
Leave it, Henry.
275
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,359
They roast totties were delicious.
276
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:11,239
Everybody commented on how delicious
the roast totties were.
277
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,199
Didn't yous?
Aye, they were all right. Yes!
278
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:19,119
Aye, crispy on the outside,
soft and fluffy on the inside,
279
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,559
and cooked in delicious goose fat.
280
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,480
Henry, it's fine.
WHISPERS: Just leave it.
281
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,879
Vincent told me
what you said to Vonny.
282
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,199
"Oh, there's a mammy here for you
if you need one."
283
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,239
When have you ever said
anything like that to Laura?
284
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,959
Henry, I needed your mum
when I was 17, pregnant,
285
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,559
scared and my name WAS
Laura Sheridan.
286
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,000
I do not need her now.
287
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:46,279
Roast away, Moira.
These days, I am ovenproof.
288
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:50,239
The ovenproof bit was cheesy,
but that's just my mum's style.
289
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:51,759
I'm really proud of her.
290
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,399
Well, I think it's high time
that you apologised to Laura
291
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,199
and admitted how much you love her
delicious roast totties.
292
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,079
Her totties were shite.
293
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,519
Tough as boots on the outside,
294
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,199
cold and hard on the inside.
295
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,119
Hah! Much like yourself, Moira!
296
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,320
And goose fat is for snobs.
297
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,759
I'm away for a nap.
298
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,759
On a bed that Laura paid for?
299
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,919
Oh, ah, it's like that, is it?
300
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,439
I know when I'm no' wanted.
301
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,920
I'm no' staying here.
302
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,320
Colette, you
and Darren can take me hame.
303
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,879
It's a three-hour drive away.
304
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,599
I'm 35 weeks pregnant.
305
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,479
Oh, it's 36.
306
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,959
Oh, really?
307
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,240
Fine!
308
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,919
I'll go on my ain.
309
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,680
Oh!
310
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,280
HENRY EXHALES HEAVILY
311
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,239
Right, get these off.
312
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,919
What is going on?
313
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,479
I just wanted you to same naw.
314
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,639
To say no?
315
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,079
To me getting my baws removed.
316
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,959
Oh, Christ, that is
not what they do.
317
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,039
Vonny...
318
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:08,680
I'm sorry, but I think
I kind of wish that we'd had weans.
319
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,079
Really?
320
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,079
I was just listening to Henry
telling Darren about how...
321
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,559
How good it feels to be a man with
weans,
322
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,920
and it just made me feel...
323
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,519
..less.
324
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,319
Less than them.
325
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,039
It's hard to explain to a woman.
326
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,639
Oh...
327
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,959
You poor wee lamb.
328
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,679
How could I have possibly known
329
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,039
what you have been going through?
330
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,919
It's just the expectations that
society places on a man
331
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,479
to have weans,
you know what I mean?
332
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,239
I know, I know.
333
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,479
It must be so hard.
334
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,439
Tell me...
335
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,959
How long have you been
feeling like this?
336
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,680
Months, Vonny, months. Mm...
337
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,960
Ever since Colette...
338
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,679
Oh, mammy, daddy,
you're being sarcastic.
339
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,439
HE YELPS
340
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,239
Vonny, you pulled aboot a heidful
of hair oot o' my nose there.
341
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,439
That was a sore yin.
342
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:08,599
Oh, well, how do you think it feels
to be a woman who doesn't want kids?
343
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,839
Oh, my God! Aye, well, you didnae
have to have vasectomy my beak.
344
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,879
You been upset about this for,
what, months?
345
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,159
I've been getting judged
on this for years, Vincent.
346
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,679
Years!
347
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:24,759
So, don't you dare say "less than"
when it comes to that.
348
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,359
Not ever!
349
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,640
Vonny, I...
350
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,599
Vonny, I'm sorry.
351
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,999
Vincent, do you even want one?
352
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:39,119
Or are you just looking for another
wee human to solve your issues?
353
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,919
Because maybe you should look
inside first.
354
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,119
Inside, me? This?!
355
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,999
I've looked, Vonny,
there's nothing there.
356
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,079
What? All the money
and the beauty and the hair...
357
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,759
It's a wig!
I'm wearing a wig.
358
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,279
Vonny, there's nothing under it.
I'm...
359
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,559
I'm...empty.
360
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,519
No! No, stop that.
361
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,839
Vonny, I've contributed nothing to
this family.
362
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,439
Says who? Says me.
363
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,199
I can buy a' the presents I want.
364
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,439
Look at Henry, Henry's gave this
family Erin and Jason,
365
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,639
and they're amazing.
And now Colette's going to be...
366
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,399
That is not an achievement, Vincent.
367
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,239
Kids are just sperm with shoes on.
368
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,839
Is that really what you 'hink,
Vonny?
369
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,479
Cos I 'hink they might be...
370
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,440
..love wi' shoes on.
371
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,719
I just wish I could dae something
for the family that really matters.
372
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,759
You do enough.
Maybe they don't notice, but I do.
373
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,599
All these little acts of kindness,
374
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,800
it all adds up to a big mountain,
Vincent.
375
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,439
And don't you dare say
anything about giving me
376
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,639
a big mountain or you die.
377
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,159
I wasn't going to say that.
378
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,520
Ah wis.
379
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,119
Right, that's me away, then.
380
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,640
My ain family poisoned against me.
381
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,600
And at Christmas-time as well.
Birthday time.
382
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,399
Can nobody take my gran back?
383
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,239
We've all been drinking.
384
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,759
Away, this is the Highlands.
385
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,719
Even I'm allowed to drive
a motor up here.
386
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,199
I'll walk.
387
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,999
I'll freeze to death
by the side of the road,
388
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,919
but you can fling my corpse into the
boot of the car on your way hame.
389
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,519
Oh, here we go with the tragedy.
I'll see you again...
390
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,879
..at my funeral,
if any of yous bother to show up.
391
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,919
I thought you didnae want a funeral.
392
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,479
I thought you wanted
put in a black bag.
393
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,519
Right.
SHE SNIFFS
394
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:51,039
I'll just take...a last
picture of the grandweans.
395
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,519
I don't know when
I'm going to see them again.
396
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,120
Oh, God, just admit that
you liked the roast totties.
397
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,279
SCREAMING
398
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,759
Suddenly, there's this high-pitched
scream like nothing I've ever heard
399
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,959
before in my life.
400
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:13,999
SCREAMING
401
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,959
What is it?! What is it?!
402
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,239
What is it?!!!
403
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,319
SCREAMING CONTINUES
404
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,919
My waters have broke!
405
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,519
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
406
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,039
Definitely? Definitely.
407
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,279
She's not due for a month.
408
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,359
Right!
409
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,079
Get some clean towels and boil
a kettle -
410
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,519
because I'm away for a bath
and a cup of tea.
411
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,759
Oh! I just want my mammy!
412
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,359
I'm here, hen! I'm here!
413
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,839
Right, so... Right...
414
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,519
So...
415
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,039
Hospital! Hospital!
416
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,279
The nearest one is
an hour and 53 minutes away.
417
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,119
Don't worry.
I checked, like, 20 times.
418
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,200
I don't think I've got
an hour and 53 minutes.
419
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,079
Go on, hen. Come on.
420
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,359
Come on, hen.
421
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,199
Mammy, don't leave me!
422
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,879
No, no. I'm staying right here.
423
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,759
I would never leave my darling wean.
Well, I appreciate that, Mammy,
424
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,799
but it's probably better
you stay with Colette.
425
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,439
Everything's going to be all right.
426
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,079
Where's my phone?!
427
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,239
I cannae got a signal on my phone.
House phone?
428
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,759
Och, shut up about phones!
429
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,359
It's like the bloody Apple Store
in here!
430
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:16,759
Oh! This baby is coming now! Ahhh!
431
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,039
I'll pour Colette a glass of wine.
That'll be my job.
432
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,359
Aye, Vonny, yep.
433
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,240
The wean is going to need
somewhere to sleep.
434
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,839
OK, Colette.
435
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,839
Oh, Mammy, I'm scared!
436
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,999
SCREAMS
437
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,760
Turn the cameras off!
438
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:38,959
And just like that, the
baby is coming.
439
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,600
LOUD SCREAM
440
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,919
Who's going to go in and help
Colette?
441
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,839
Well, my ma. Darren.
442
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,039
Vincent.
443
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,279
Vincent is going in.
444
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,079
Vonny, I don't know about that.
445
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,759
You're the only one here
with any kind of medical training.
446
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,999
Absolutely. I was a dentist.
Wrong orifice.
447
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,519
Nobody knows more about keeping
things sterile
448
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,479
in a surgical environment.
449
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,039
Eilidh's bang on. Bang on. Great
observation from Eilidh.
450
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,159
Uncle Vincent is hygiene daft.
451
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,599
Thank God he's not going
into your room then.
452
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:20,439
Uncle Vincent, who would you want
helping you in a medical emergency?
453
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,639
A dancer?
454
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,039
A scaffolder?
455
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,840
Cometh the hour.
456
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,760
Colette, darling? It's Vincent.
457
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,039
Can I come in?
458
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,999
I think I can help you. We'll get
that wee baby out of there safely.
459
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,799
Vincent, the last thing I want
is my own brother
460
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,279
peering up my hoo-hah!
461
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,680
Aye, you've got to come in, please!
Oohhh...
462
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,079
Eilidh, wine, everywhere.
463
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,919
Where's Darren?
464
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,919
Darren's ran outside, and...
How do I put this?
465
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,720
He's having a hairy canary.
466
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,839
I lived in Belarus for a few months
in my late teens after getting
467
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,359
rejected from clown school.
Don't ask.
468
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,039
But I worked on a farm to earn
enough money to come home,
469
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:23,279
and I learned that big, kind, simple
animals can spook very easily.
470
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,240
Darren?!
471
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,279
SHE WHISTLES
472
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,600
Stoner?
473
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,720
LOUD SCREAMING
474
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,999
Moira, is everything OK?
475
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,639
It's terrifying.
476
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,199
But you should see them in there.
477
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,319
The weans of mine are magic.
478
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,399
Your man's dead.
479
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,039
You've got three weans.
480
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,839
You're skint.
481
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,239
And your oldest gives up the chance
of going to uni
482
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,679
so he can work to bring money in.
483
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:58,719
And suddenly, it's like you're
getting on top of things.
484
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,160
Light at the end of the tunnel.
485
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,159
I'm nae use to them in here.
486
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,759
Will you go in, hen?
You were amazing with your babies.
487
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,319
I feel like if you're there
with her, then,
488
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,159
nothing bad's going to happen.
489
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,759
And then, he meets this wee lassie
490
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,760
and gets her pregnant.
491
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,959
And that wee bit of normal life
that you've worked for,
492
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,320
it's away.
493
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:30,520
That's it.
494
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,359
That's where it comes from.
495
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,679
Please, Laura. Will you go in?
496
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,519
Of course. Come on.
497
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,959
We'll go together.
498
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,480
SHOUTING FROM BEHIND DOOR
499
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,199
Darren, what you doing?
500
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,239
I'm freaking out.
501
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,719
You're no' freaking out.
You're fine.
502
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,119
I'm no' fine. I'm freaking out. Look
at me, I've run into the forest.
503
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:58,080
This isnae a forest.
It's a grove at best.
504
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,319
Vonny, I thought you were a bear.
505
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,279
Let me just climb on your back.
506
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,839
SHE BLOWS AIR
507
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,719
Vonny, I don't see how this
is helping.
508
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,639
This is how I used to calm
the hogs down in Belarus.
509
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,000
I'm just going to blow
gently across his snout.
510
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:20,279
Darren, you've never let Colette
down before. Don't let her down now.
511
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,039
I fell like I'm going to pass out,
Henry.
512
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,039
What if something bad happens
and I...?
513
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,119
SHE BLOWS AIR
514
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:28,199
Oh, that's quite nice, actually.
Nothing bad's gonnae happen.
515
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,479
But something good is gonnae
happen and you cannae miss it.
516
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,279
Believe me, it is the greatest time
you'll ever see in your life.
517
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,320
Aye.
518
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,400
Aye.
519
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,639
DOOR SLAMS
520
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,919
DISTANT SCREAMS
521
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,040
DOOR SLAMS
522
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,279
SCREAMS CONTINUE
523
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:57,639
On you go, hen.
524
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,959
Don't worry. DARREN: It's a good
noise! It's good!
525
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,279
DISTANT GROANS
Push, come on!
526
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,160
Come on, Vincent!
527
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,039
MUTED CONVERSATION
528
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:09,800
DOOR OPENS
529
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,399
Who wants to meet my wee lassie?
530
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,799
THEY GASP
531
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,279
Oh, look at that! Aah!
532
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,799
Look at her! Oh, wow. Jason!
533
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,719
Ah, congratulations, man.
Oh, thank you.
534
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,560
She's tiny! She's just amazing.
535
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:30,399
She's amazing. Oh, she is a cracker.
Aye.
536
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,959
Any chance you could dish up
the pudding now, Laura?
537
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,399
Oh, shut up, Ronnie!
538
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:35,839
Well...
539
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,199
..I'm starving.
540
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,199
Ooh! Here she is, our wee darling.
541
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,199
Took us about a week to
decide on the name,
542
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,679
but we got there in the end.
543
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:49,079
Her name is Free. We free.
544
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,079
Free Britney Vincenzo Scott.
545
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,640
Vincenzo after Vincent.
546
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:06,559
MUTED CONVERSATION
547
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,959
Very cute. Unbelievable.
548
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,199
Gran had a hairy canary at the
table.
549
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,920
HE SNORES
550
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,959
Tell me you caught it on camera!
Tell me you caught it!
551
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,600
Well, well, well, it's
a Christmas miracle.
552
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,559
VINCENT SOOTHES THE BABY
553
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:36,280
Oh, look at that beautiful wee face!
I know.
554
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,999
VINCENT SIGHS
555
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,519
When do you think she'll hit
out with her first slagging?
556
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,079
Oh, she probably constructed
one in her head already
557
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,320
when she saw your baldy
napper on the way out.
558
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,039
Hi.
559
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,159
What are you doing here? Och,
it's fine.
560
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,479
My ma made me toast.
561
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,959
The midwife will be here in the
morning. Hello!
562
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,159
Vincent...
563
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,519
..what you did tonight for Colette,
564
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,199
for this family, unbelievable, man.
565
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,319
Cheers, bro.
566
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,639
There's only one downside.
567
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,319
It's very, very cheesy having
a baby at Christmas-time.
568
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,479
It's a bit cringe.
I hope I didn't hear "Christmas."
569
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,560
A "Vonny's birthday" baby
is what it is.
570
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,159
THEY LAUGH
571
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:24,200
Aw!
572
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,000
Aw.
573
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,519
Colette... I know.
574
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,640
Well done, hen. Hello!
575
00:28:32,690 --> 00:28:37,240
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