All language subtitles for The Scotts s02e06.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,599 Competition! Winning is all that matters. 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,239 Being a da makes a man of you, that's for sure. 3 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,399 There it is! I'm no a da, so I cannae fully be a man. 4 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,479 You know I can take you. 5 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,599 You can barely take a shite without greeting. 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,039 Hey! 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,039 I love this big idiot! I love him. 8 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,479 You just attacked them using my fish as a cloche! 9 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,319 You can only talk to Vonny. 10 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,559 It's the school. I'm ready to do the work. 11 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,559 I cannae say a word about wanting a wain. 12 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,319 We're going to be amazing parents. 13 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,360 GASPS 14 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,439 It's that time of year when we elect to celebrate the birth of the 15 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,919 most important person in history. 16 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,279 Me! 17 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:46,519 I'm turning 40 18 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,159 and I don't want to hear one word about Christmas. 19 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:53,840 How amazing is it to have your birthday in the run-up to Christmas? 20 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,079 I've booked this lovely country house up north 21 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,719 to throw a party for Vonny. The whole family are going. 22 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,719 Woo! We're going to have such a good time! Uh... 23 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,839 Like I said, my whole family are going. 24 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,839 Why am I invited? 25 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,519 Nae idea. 26 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,679 Maybe Vonny fancies me. 27 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,759 Oh, Laura! 28 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,360 Oh, it's gorgeous. 29 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,319 BOTH: Swingers' hoose. 30 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,199 Mm, and you've got it all dressed up for Christmas already? 31 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,919 Yeah. Eilidh, can you get these down? 32 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,399 This is all about me. 33 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,999 Absolutely. Christmas, it's cancelled. 34 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,199 Oh! Oh, she's quite right. 35 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,119 Decorations are going up earlier each year. A lock of shite. 36 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,279 Henry, it's four days away. 37 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,839 Right, party time! 38 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,079 I'm gonnae wreck this joint. 39 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,999 Oh! Vincent. 40 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,399 I'm the one who pays for any breakages. Aw... Here. 41 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,439 Is that so? Is that so? Well, here, 42 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,999 stick this in your ben wee sacks. 43 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,559 Hey? That should cover it. 44 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,440 I'm away to bring in the swally. 45 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,959 Vincent wants to have a wain. 46 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,519 But he cannae face telling Vonny 47 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,240 and so, he's been in his full Vinny mode. 48 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,079 MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKER 49 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,480 HE TURNS UP VOLUME 50 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:15,199 I think this is such a lovely, peaceful place to spend Christma... 51 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,559 A birthday. 52 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,879 Never again are we giving you a lift, ya big bastar... 53 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,559 Get my box in! 54 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,639 Well, excuse me for trying to wake you up to the insidious claw 55 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,519 of global conspiracies. 56 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,159 Look, Joe Rogan said... 57 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,719 Say one more thing about your daft podcasts 58 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,320 and it'll be the insidious claw of my acrylics across your dish! 59 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,199 Never listened to a podcast in my life. 60 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,679 Superscoreboard's plenty for me! 61 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,480 JAUNTY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS 62 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:50,559 So, you are in the master bedroom upstairs... The honeymoon suite! 63 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,959 God, don't tell Vinnie that. 64 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,359 Jason, Erin and Eilidh, I'm sorry, 65 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:59,199 you guys are going to have to share a bunk room. That'll be fun! Fun? 66 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,919 Sharing with Jason? Have you packed gas masks? 67 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,640 Well, I don't actually plan on doing any farts, so... 68 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,839 Colette, the big ground floor room is yours, 69 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,839 save you going at any stairs or anything... 70 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,959 Aye, the blind guy will take the stairs. 71 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,559 Is this an insurance job? 72 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:20,319 Ronnie, I'm 35 weeks pregnant. 36! 73 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,599 Oh, that's right! Aw, what're you like? 74 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,159 Here, do you think the wain's head should've moved round by now? 75 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,840 Oh... Jason had by now. 76 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,999 I'm reaching my limit with this. 77 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:37,040 I'm no going to be shunted to the side for the likes of Laura. 78 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,720 So... This is you, Moira. 79 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,759 It's nice. Nice? 80 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,999 It's like the room in a horror film they keep the madwoman in.... 81 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,679 SHE SIGHS 82 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,640 That bed looks the kind of bed that people have died in. 83 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,079 The room is lovely, ma. 84 00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,999 I bet there's loads of people have lain dead on that bed... 85 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,399 ..for months before they were peeled off, 86 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,239 imprints of their big rotten arses 87 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,199 left on the mattress, like the Turin Shroud! 88 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,199 Aye, but do you like your room, ma? 89 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,920 HUMOURLESSLY: Ha-ha-ha-ha... 90 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,959 You know... This is supposed to be our room, ma. 91 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,719 For two! 92 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,639 But you both like that wee cosy room, didn't ye? 93 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,319 Aye... 94 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,559 I'll just sleep in here. 95 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:30,880 SHE CHUCKLES 96 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,039 HE SIGHS Right.. 97 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,240 OK. 98 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,840 Here... 99 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,119 She's trying to get a rise out of me, but I'm not taking the bait. 100 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,360 This'll do us. 101 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:54,039 Do you remember we used to love sleeping in a single bed together? 102 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,519 Aye, but that was when we were young. 103 00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,920 And bendy! 104 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,119 We would've happily slept together on an ironing board back then. 105 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,839 Mm-hm... 106 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,599 Well... 107 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,399 If you don't like the bed, 108 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,840 maybe you should have stood up to your mum? 109 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,999 It's not that hard, actually. 110 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,840 You should try and sometimes, stud. 111 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,199 Beautiful room. 112 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,359 I've got the gift of the gab. 113 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,999 I mean, my patter gets women's ovaries rattling like 114 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,719 rosary beads at a Pope's pool party, so why is it so difficult for me 115 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,799 to tell my own wife that I want to have a baby? 116 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,920 Beautiful room... 117 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,119 ..for sexual intercourse. 118 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,799 Oh...! 119 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,719 Will you be wearing those sunglasses during that as well? 120 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,959 Well... 121 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,839 Pretty soon, I won't have to wear anything else. 122 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,879 Here's how a genius flushes out the truth. 123 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,439 Because I am getting the snip. 124 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,559 The snip? Mm-hm. 125 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,280 Getting my homos cut off. 126 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:14,039 What do you think about that? I don't know, um... 127 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,519 Is that hesitation? 128 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,439 That's what I'm wanting to hear... 129 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,960 I guess it would let us be more spontaneous. 130 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,759 Allow us to have our fun wherever and whenever, 131 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,759 just the way we like it. 132 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,359 OK. 133 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,959 Let's hammer the final nail into the coffin in my redundant testicles. 134 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,480 OK. Don't need my balls anyway. 135 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,799 They're rotten. 136 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,239 Something's going on, but I'm not going to analyse it. 137 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,159 It's my birthday. And it's Christmas. 138 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,239 No, it's my birthday. 139 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,239 Right, line me up, line me up! Wee bit.. Side steps to the left.. 140 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,999 Right here...! 141 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,359 Hold on, hold on! 142 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,760 Clear! 143 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,079 Did I split it? You barely even scratched the log, Ronnie. 144 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,799 I wasnae aiming for the log. 145 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,439 I was aiming for Henry's napper! 146 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,039 See, this is what you need, Vincent, 147 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,080 apparently it's good for relieving stress. Oh, is it? 148 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,640 Argh! 149 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,479 HE PANTS 150 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,279 Are you stressing about this wain coming, Darren? No... 151 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,279 HENRY LAUGHS 152 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:20,720 I'll get a bash. 153 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,719 I'll need to imagine I'm Gottric 154 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,719 using my ancient rune master's axe of Carrick Doom. 155 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,040 All I heard was, "I'm still a virgin!" 156 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:31,840 HE LAUGHS 157 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,839 Here... Right, boys... 158 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,599 I'll show you how it's done. 159 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:39,640 Watch this. 160 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,679 Jason Momoa! 161 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,559 What ye doing, ye banana bomb? 162 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,200 Somebody could be oot for a walk. 163 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,119 That was quite irresponsible, Vincent. Good. 164 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,479 Here, listen... 165 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,599 Don't let fatherhood turn you into Henry, right? 166 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,599 You're like me, you've got an edge. I'm on edge. 167 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,319 Do you want me to go and do a somersault of that roof up there? 168 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,359 How high? No! All right! 169 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,720 OK, then. 170 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,359 Maybe I just make you tap out, won't I? Eh? 171 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,359 Ask him, ref. Ask him, ref! 172 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,719 HE GRUNTS 173 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,239 Is he bre...? 174 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,080 You don't like that, big man, do you? 175 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,039 Oh, because she thinks she's so gorgeous as well. 176 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,839 And she's never in! I mean, who looks after the wains? 177 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,079 Oh, what are yous on about? Real Housewives. Ah, Housewives. 178 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,159 Looking for some tips, Laura? 179 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,320 Laura? 180 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,599 When did you feel all right about leaving the baby with a baby-sitter? 181 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,240 I still don't feel right leaving Jason in the house by himself. 182 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,319 Can I help yous with the cooking there? 183 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,799 No, we're fine, Mammy - this is one of Laura's specialities. 184 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,200 So just you relax. 185 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,800 GRUNTING 186 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,999 What's going on inside that beautiful, 187 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,440 blatantly wig-bedecked head of yours, Vincent Scott? 188 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,320 Hi. 189 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,879 HE STUTTERS I'll...go on the top, if you want? 190 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,759 I don't mind. I'm happy to go on the bottom. 191 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,279 Or...would you rather go on top? Because that's cool with me. 192 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:30,399 Well, I'm happy to be on top... Or the bottom. 193 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,760 This is like listening to the world's most polite porno. 194 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,479 Darren's got amazing at painting my toenails - 195 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,879 since I've stopped being able to reach them myself. I love it. 196 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:45,920 I even do my own now. 197 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,639 Darren... 198 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,879 Away and take yourself for a shite. 199 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,359 I'm not... 200 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,280 It means... Get out. 201 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,759 I...am...stressed. 202 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,719 I keep having these dreams that I cannae get her 203 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,919 to the hospital on time. 204 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,799 I try to push the accelerator on the motor 205 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,679 and my foot just turns into chocolate mousse. 206 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,599 And then I eat my feet. 207 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,039 I love chocolate, man. 208 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:16,039 I was just thinking, it'd be nice to have some mother-daughter time. 209 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,520 Aw, that's lovely. 210 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:20,479 Do you want to do my nails? 211 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,279 Naw, I just wondered if you needed any...advice, 212 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,839 or if you had any worries about the pregnancy. 213 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,959 Naw, no' really. 214 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,759 Cos I've been through it three times, you know. 215 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,279 There's a lot of knowledge there. 216 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:40,119 Mair knowledge than certain wans that have just had the two. 217 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:44,279 Well, if I think of anything, I'll ask. 218 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:51,039 So, don't think I didnae notice you crawling up Bearsden Barbie's 219 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:55,279 wee perfumed arse ever since you got up the duff. 220 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:59,079 I've no' been crawling anywhere. I just... 221 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,839 ..sometimes get a wee bit of advice. From her?! 222 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,039 What about asking advice from me? 223 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:09,039 I've had a much harder shift as a mammy than that yin ever did. 224 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,840 Well, maybe I'm no' expecting to have a hard shift, Ma. 225 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,119 I've got Darren, I've got you. 226 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,879 I just wanted advice fae somebody that's... 227 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,040 ..managed to get it kind of... 228 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,519 Ach, you know what I mean. 229 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,360 Managed to get it kind of... 230 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,000 ..to get it right? 231 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,959 I think you're a great mammy, Mammy. 232 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,600 Well, you've a funny way of showing it. 233 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,559 Oh, and another thing, you get your man to paint your nails 234 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,999 and it'll be his ain nails he's painting next. 235 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,840 HE INHALES DEEPLY 236 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:56,000 SHE HUMS 237 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,399 A birthday dinner with family is nice, 238 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,959 but Vonny Scott is just pure showbiz, 239 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,799 and I wanted a good old-fashioned roast. 240 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,959 Apparently, a roast is when you all get together and slag off 241 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,639 all your pals mercilessly, wi' jokes that could get you arrested. 242 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:16,959 SHE CHUCKLES 243 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,879 To me, that's just like a night at the bingo. 244 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,199 THEY LAUGH 245 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:27,039 But, most of all, I respect Vonny's world-renowned performances 246 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,999 in the West End. 247 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,599 Of Glasgow. 248 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,519 Dumbarton Road, to be precise. 249 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,120 Working as a prostitute! 250 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,439 That is why I invited you, Ronnie. Yeah, Ronnie! 251 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,360 THEY CHEER 252 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,840 It's witty, but... 253 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,399 ..I've got a bit of a wee roast myself. 254 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,239 Ah, maybe leave it, Vincent. 255 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,479 Who wants to hear something very, 256 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,919 very embarrassing indeed about Vonny Scott? Oh, me! 257 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,199 SHE LAUGHS 258 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,359 The hottest woman on this planet 259 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,480 is about to become the wife of a concubine. 260 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,719 Hear the heartbreaking song... 261 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,480 HIGH�PITCHED: ..of the castrato. 262 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,319 And say goodbye... 263 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,359 ..to these...peacetime...soldiers. 264 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,800 I thank you. 265 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,359 Pish! I was much funnier. 266 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,119 All this roasting going on and nobody thought 267 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,799 to roast the tatties properly. 268 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,399 Good one, Moira. 269 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,200 Oh, what are we getting noo? 270 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,839 We're roasting Vonny. So, let's get this back to Vonny. 271 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:59,399 What is this - the Laura Sheridan fan club? 272 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,319 Laura Sheridan?! 273 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,839 Laura Scott. 274 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,359 Leave it, Henry. 275 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,359 They roast totties were delicious. 276 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:11,239 Everybody commented on how delicious the roast totties were. 277 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,199 Didn't yous? Aye, they were all right. Yes! 278 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:19,119 Aye, crispy on the outside, soft and fluffy on the inside, 279 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,559 and cooked in delicious goose fat. 280 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,480 Henry, it's fine. WHISPERS: Just leave it. 281 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,879 Vincent told me what you said to Vonny. 282 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,199 "Oh, there's a mammy here for you if you need one." 283 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,239 When have you ever said anything like that to Laura? 284 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,959 Henry, I needed your mum when I was 17, pregnant, 285 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,559 scared and my name WAS Laura Sheridan. 286 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,000 I do not need her now. 287 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:46,279 Roast away, Moira. These days, I am ovenproof. 288 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:50,239 The ovenproof bit was cheesy, but that's just my mum's style. 289 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:51,759 I'm really proud of her. 290 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,399 Well, I think it's high time that you apologised to Laura 291 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,199 and admitted how much you love her delicious roast totties. 292 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,079 Her totties were shite. 293 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,519 Tough as boots on the outside, 294 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,199 cold and hard on the inside. 295 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,119 Hah! Much like yourself, Moira! 296 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,320 And goose fat is for snobs. 297 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,759 I'm away for a nap. 298 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,759 On a bed that Laura paid for? 299 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,919 Oh, ah, it's like that, is it? 300 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,439 I know when I'm no' wanted. 301 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,920 I'm no' staying here. 302 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,320 Colette, you and Darren can take me hame. 303 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,879 It's a three-hour drive away. 304 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,599 I'm 35 weeks pregnant. 305 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,479 Oh, it's 36. 306 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,959 Oh, really? 307 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,240 Fine! 308 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,919 I'll go on my ain. 309 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,680 Oh! 310 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,280 HENRY EXHALES HEAVILY 311 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,239 Right, get these off. 312 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,919 What is going on? 313 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,479 I just wanted you to same naw. 314 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,639 To say no? 315 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,079 To me getting my baws removed. 316 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,959 Oh, Christ, that is not what they do. 317 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,039 Vonny... 318 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:08,680 I'm sorry, but I think I kind of wish that we'd had weans. 319 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,079 Really? 320 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,079 I was just listening to Henry telling Darren about how... 321 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,559 How good it feels to be a man with weans, 322 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,920 and it just made me feel... 323 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,519 ..less. 324 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,319 Less than them. 325 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,039 It's hard to explain to a woman. 326 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,639 Oh... 327 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,959 You poor wee lamb. 328 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,679 How could I have possibly known 329 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,039 what you have been going through? 330 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,919 It's just the expectations that society places on a man 331 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,479 to have weans, you know what I mean? 332 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,239 I know, I know. 333 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,479 It must be so hard. 334 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,439 Tell me... 335 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,959 How long have you been feeling like this? 336 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,680 Months, Vonny, months. Mm... 337 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,960 Ever since Colette... 338 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,679 Oh, mammy, daddy, you're being sarcastic. 339 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,439 HE YELPS 340 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,239 Vonny, you pulled aboot a heidful of hair oot o' my nose there. 341 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,439 That was a sore yin. 342 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:08,599 Oh, well, how do you think it feels to be a woman who doesn't want kids? 343 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,839 Oh, my God! Aye, well, you didnae have to have vasectomy my beak. 344 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,879 You been upset about this for, what, months? 345 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,159 I've been getting judged on this for years, Vincent. 346 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,679 Years! 347 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:24,759 So, don't you dare say "less than" when it comes to that. 348 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,359 Not ever! 349 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,640 Vonny, I... 350 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,599 Vonny, I'm sorry. 351 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,999 Vincent, do you even want one? 352 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:39,119 Or are you just looking for another wee human to solve your issues? 353 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,919 Because maybe you should look inside first. 354 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,119 Inside, me? This?! 355 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,999 I've looked, Vonny, there's nothing there. 356 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,079 What? All the money and the beauty and the hair... 357 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,759 It's a wig! I'm wearing a wig. 358 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,279 Vonny, there's nothing under it. I'm... 359 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,559 I'm...empty. 360 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,519 No! No, stop that. 361 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,839 Vonny, I've contributed nothing to this family. 362 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,439 Says who? Says me. 363 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,199 I can buy a' the presents I want. 364 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,439 Look at Henry, Henry's gave this family Erin and Jason, 365 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,639 and they're amazing. And now Colette's going to be... 366 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,399 That is not an achievement, Vincent. 367 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,239 Kids are just sperm with shoes on. 368 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,839 Is that really what you 'hink, Vonny? 369 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,479 Cos I 'hink they might be... 370 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,440 ..love wi' shoes on. 371 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,719 I just wish I could dae something for the family that really matters. 372 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,759 You do enough. Maybe they don't notice, but I do. 373 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,599 All these little acts of kindness, 374 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,800 it all adds up to a big mountain, Vincent. 375 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,439 And don't you dare say anything about giving me 376 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,639 a big mountain or you die. 377 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,159 I wasn't going to say that. 378 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,520 Ah wis. 379 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,119 Right, that's me away, then. 380 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,640 My ain family poisoned against me. 381 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,600 And at Christmas-time as well. Birthday time. 382 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,399 Can nobody take my gran back? 383 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,239 We've all been drinking. 384 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,759 Away, this is the Highlands. 385 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,719 Even I'm allowed to drive a motor up here. 386 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,199 I'll walk. 387 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,999 I'll freeze to death by the side of the road, 388 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,919 but you can fling my corpse into the boot of the car on your way hame. 389 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,519 Oh, here we go with the tragedy. I'll see you again... 390 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,879 ..at my funeral, if any of yous bother to show up. 391 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,919 I thought you didnae want a funeral. 392 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,479 I thought you wanted put in a black bag. 393 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,519 Right. SHE SNIFFS 394 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:51,039 I'll just take...a last picture of the grandweans. 395 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,519 I don't know when I'm going to see them again. 396 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,120 Oh, God, just admit that you liked the roast totties. 397 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,279 SCREAMING 398 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,759 Suddenly, there's this high-pitched scream like nothing I've ever heard 399 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,959 before in my life. 400 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:13,999 SCREAMING 401 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,959 What is it?! What is it?! 402 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,239 What is it?!!! 403 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,319 SCREAMING CONTINUES 404 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,919 My waters have broke! 405 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,519 Oh, no, no, no, no, no! 406 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,039 Definitely? Definitely. 407 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,279 She's not due for a month. 408 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,359 Right! 409 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,079 Get some clean towels and boil a kettle - 410 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,519 because I'm away for a bath and a cup of tea. 411 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,759 Oh! I just want my mammy! 412 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,359 I'm here, hen! I'm here! 413 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,839 Right, so... Right... 414 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,519 So... 415 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,039 Hospital! Hospital! 416 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,279 The nearest one is an hour and 53 minutes away. 417 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,119 Don't worry. I checked, like, 20 times. 418 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,200 I don't think I've got an hour and 53 minutes. 419 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,079 Go on, hen. Come on. 420 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,359 Come on, hen. 421 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,199 Mammy, don't leave me! 422 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,879 No, no. I'm staying right here. 423 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,759 I would never leave my darling wean. Well, I appreciate that, Mammy, 424 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,799 but it's probably better you stay with Colette. 425 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,439 Everything's going to be all right. 426 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,079 Where's my phone?! 427 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,239 I cannae got a signal on my phone. House phone? 428 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,759 Och, shut up about phones! 429 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,359 It's like the bloody Apple Store in here! 430 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:16,759 Oh! This baby is coming now! Ahhh! 431 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,039 I'll pour Colette a glass of wine. That'll be my job. 432 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,359 Aye, Vonny, yep. 433 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,240 The wean is going to need somewhere to sleep. 434 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,839 OK, Colette. 435 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,839 Oh, Mammy, I'm scared! 436 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,999 SCREAMS 437 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,760 Turn the cameras off! 438 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:38,959 And just like that, the baby is coming. 439 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,600 LOUD SCREAM 440 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,919 Who's going to go in and help Colette? 441 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,839 Well, my ma. Darren. 442 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,039 Vincent. 443 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,279 Vincent is going in. 444 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,079 Vonny, I don't know about that. 445 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,759 You're the only one here with any kind of medical training. 446 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,999 Absolutely. I was a dentist. Wrong orifice. 447 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,519 Nobody knows more about keeping things sterile 448 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,479 in a surgical environment. 449 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,039 Eilidh's bang on. Bang on. Great observation from Eilidh. 450 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,159 Uncle Vincent is hygiene daft. 451 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,599 Thank God he's not going into your room then. 452 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:20,439 Uncle Vincent, who would you want helping you in a medical emergency? 453 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,639 A dancer? 454 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,039 A scaffolder? 455 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,840 Cometh the hour. 456 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,760 Colette, darling? It's Vincent. 457 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,039 Can I come in? 458 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,999 I think I can help you. We'll get that wee baby out of there safely. 459 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,799 Vincent, the last thing I want is my own brother 460 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,279 peering up my hoo-hah! 461 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,680 Aye, you've got to come in, please! Oohhh... 462 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,079 Eilidh, wine, everywhere. 463 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,919 Where's Darren? 464 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,919 Darren's ran outside, and... How do I put this? 465 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,720 He's having a hairy canary. 466 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,839 I lived in Belarus for a few months in my late teens after getting 467 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,359 rejected from clown school. Don't ask. 468 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,039 But I worked on a farm to earn enough money to come home, 469 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:23,279 and I learned that big, kind, simple animals can spook very easily. 470 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,240 Darren?! 471 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,279 SHE WHISTLES 472 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,600 Stoner? 473 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,720 LOUD SCREAMING 474 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,999 Moira, is everything OK? 475 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,639 It's terrifying. 476 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,199 But you should see them in there. 477 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,319 The weans of mine are magic. 478 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,399 Your man's dead. 479 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,039 You've got three weans. 480 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,839 You're skint. 481 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,239 And your oldest gives up the chance of going to uni 482 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,679 so he can work to bring money in. 483 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:58,719 And suddenly, it's like you're getting on top of things. 484 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,160 Light at the end of the tunnel. 485 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,159 I'm nae use to them in here. 486 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,759 Will you go in, hen? You were amazing with your babies. 487 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,319 I feel like if you're there with her, then, 488 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,159 nothing bad's going to happen. 489 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,759 And then, he meets this wee lassie 490 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,760 and gets her pregnant. 491 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,959 And that wee bit of normal life that you've worked for, 492 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,320 it's away. 493 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:30,520 That's it. 494 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,359 That's where it comes from. 495 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,679 Please, Laura. Will you go in? 496 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,519 Of course. Come on. 497 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,959 We'll go together. 498 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,480 SHOUTING FROM BEHIND DOOR 499 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,199 Darren, what you doing? 500 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,239 I'm freaking out. 501 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,719 You're no' freaking out. You're fine. 502 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,119 I'm no' fine. I'm freaking out. Look at me, I've run into the forest. 503 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:58,080 This isnae a forest. It's a grove at best. 504 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,319 Vonny, I thought you were a bear. 505 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,279 Let me just climb on your back. 506 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,839 SHE BLOWS AIR 507 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,719 Vonny, I don't see how this is helping. 508 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,639 This is how I used to calm the hogs down in Belarus. 509 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,000 I'm just going to blow gently across his snout. 510 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:20,279 Darren, you've never let Colette down before. Don't let her down now. 511 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,039 I fell like I'm going to pass out, Henry. 512 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,039 What if something bad happens and I...? 513 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,119 SHE BLOWS AIR 514 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:28,199 Oh, that's quite nice, actually. Nothing bad's gonnae happen. 515 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,479 But something good is gonnae happen and you cannae miss it. 516 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,279 Believe me, it is the greatest time you'll ever see in your life. 517 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,320 Aye. 518 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,400 Aye. 519 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,639 DOOR SLAMS 520 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,919 DISTANT SCREAMS 521 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,040 DOOR SLAMS 522 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,279 SCREAMS CONTINUE 523 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:57,639 On you go, hen. 524 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,959 Don't worry. DARREN: It's a good noise! It's good! 525 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,279 DISTANT GROANS Push, come on! 526 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,160 Come on, Vincent! 527 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,039 MUTED CONVERSATION 528 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:09,800 DOOR OPENS 529 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,399 Who wants to meet my wee lassie? 530 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,799 THEY GASP 531 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,279 Oh, look at that! Aah! 532 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,799 Look at her! Oh, wow. Jason! 533 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,719 Ah, congratulations, man. Oh, thank you. 534 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,560 She's tiny! She's just amazing. 535 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:30,399 She's amazing. Oh, she is a cracker. Aye. 536 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,959 Any chance you could dish up the pudding now, Laura? 537 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,399 Oh, shut up, Ronnie! 538 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:35,839 Well... 539 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,199 ..I'm starving. 540 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,199 Ooh! Here she is, our wee darling. 541 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,199 Took us about a week to decide on the name, 542 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,679 but we got there in the end. 543 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:49,079 Her name is Free. We free. 544 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,079 Free Britney Vincenzo Scott. 545 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,640 Vincenzo after Vincent. 546 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:06,559 MUTED CONVERSATION 547 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,959 Very cute. Unbelievable. 548 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,199 Gran had a hairy canary at the table. 549 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,920 HE SNORES 550 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,959 Tell me you caught it on camera! Tell me you caught it! 551 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,600 Well, well, well, it's a Christmas miracle. 552 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,559 VINCENT SOOTHES THE BABY 553 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:36,280 Oh, look at that beautiful wee face! I know. 554 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,999 VINCENT SIGHS 555 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,519 When do you think she'll hit out with her first slagging? 556 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,079 Oh, she probably constructed one in her head already 557 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,320 when she saw your baldy napper on the way out. 558 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,039 Hi. 559 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,159 What are you doing here? Och, it's fine. 560 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,479 My ma made me toast. 561 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,959 The midwife will be here in the morning. Hello! 562 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,159 Vincent... 563 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,519 ..what you did tonight for Colette, 564 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,199 for this family, unbelievable, man. 565 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,319 Cheers, bro. 566 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,639 There's only one downside. 567 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,319 It's very, very cheesy having a baby at Christmas-time. 568 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,479 It's a bit cringe. I hope I didn't hear "Christmas." 569 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,560 A "Vonny's birthday" baby is what it is. 570 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,159 THEY LAUGH 571 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:24,200 Aw! 572 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,000 Aw. 573 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,519 Colette... I know. 574 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,640 Well done, hen. Hello! 575 00:28:32,690 --> 00:28:37,240 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41946

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