All language subtitles for The Scotts s01e01.eng

We're organising a surprise70th
birthday party for my ma,

and I want to invite you.

My ma gave Colette ten grandto buy a new kitchen,

and Colette and her boyfriendStauner
McGregor took that money

and went tae Disneyland with it.

You're uninvited.

You're barred!

I mean, it was obvious my
AuntieColette was going to show up.

You, sit down.

Hey, hey, hey, that's it!

SHOUTING

Come on, Mammy, let's
get you awayfrom these people.

This programme containsadult humour

The pandemic gave the family

a lot of time to reflect
on whathappened at my ma's party.

I've invited Colette and
Vincentover to hammer this oot.

No more fighting,no more drinks in faces

and no more jokes aboot Disneyland.

So, Colette, when my ma gave
youthat money for your kitchen,

would you say you were happy,

sneezy, grumpy, bashful...?

Och... Here, I thoughtwe weren't doing this.

It was never aboot Disneyland.

Oh, what was it aboot, then?

Darren. Yous never welcomed himinto the family.

The first time we met Darren,

he wore a pink vesttae a christening.

I mean, what do you want me to say?

He's the nicest guyI've ever went oot with.

Aye, by default, Colette,
because he's no a drug dealer.

And he wisnae so nicewhen
he attempted to assault me.

Attempted to assault you?

Succeeded to batter you, you mean.

Naw.

Naw, I thought we were gonnae beflinging hooks.
I didnae realise

it was gonnae be all thatKama
sutra kind of fighting.

SHE LAUGHS

I didnae know if he was leatheringme
or trying to pump me.

He absolutely ragdolled you, mate.
He rubber chickened you.

It was like an Alsatianfighting a yum yum.

He was like that.

"I cannae breathe,I cannae breathe!"

Pair of clowns.

At least yous are havinga laugh together again.

I'm not apologisingfor who Darren is.

Nobody expected you to apologisefor
bringing your mad posh wife

into the family.

Laura's not posh.

"Henry, can you pass the potpourri?

"I just did a fart."

She disnae say that.

What does she say?

She...

She calls them bottom burps.

Which makes sense, because they'relike
burps that come oot your...

Right, I cannae defend it, right?

But everything else aboot
her,I'll defend to the death.

And I'll defend Darrento
the death, and he defends me,

which is something I thought
youof all people would appreciate.

It's time for me to extendthe olive branch.

That party was a low point, right?

Me and Vincent fell oot.

I fell oot with Ronniefor hooking Jason.

Jason was upset with me...

For tapping oot.

For fighting, right?

And I'm gonnae start putting thatright
by having a wee boys' night.

Oh, good for yous.

And in the spiritof reconciliation,

I would like to invite Darren.

Really?

Obviously I'm happy,

but Henry's not the only onethat
can extend the onion branch.

I can dish oot the onions and all.

In the spirit of reconciliation,
I'll have a girls' night...

..and I'll invite Laura.

Perfect!

Come here, you.

HE SIGHS

Henry, the last time I saw Colette,
she chucked a drink in my face.

You, sit down!

Hey, hey, that's plenty!

I'm not going to her girls' night.

But that's why we're doing this.Reconciliation.

Henry doesn't appreciatewhat it's like

when Colette and his mum get meon my own.

It's like Bambi versus the Krays.

They do nothing but slag me off.

Laura, a slagging is our
family'sway of showing affection.

Like when they told methat
you were out of my league, so

I must be a right wee dirty in
thebedroom to have kept hold of you?

Colette's got a cheek saying that.

It was your mum that said it.

Look, you know where you are in
lifewhen you're taking a good slagging!

Yeah, sitting on your mum's couch,usually.

I mean, what do you thinkwe'll be doing to Darren

to welcome him at the boys' night?And Vincent?

Things aren't great betweenVincent
and Vonny right now.

The last thing he needsis a slagging.

But that's how you lifta guy's spirits.

You slag him to death abouthis problems.
We love it!

Wouldn't it be better to cheer
himup by saying something nice,

like telling him you thinkhe's brilliant?

He's my brother. I'm not
telling himhe's brilliant.

Look, I'm trying to getthis family tight again,

and it would really mean a lot to me

if you would just goto Colette's wee night.

I will think about it.

And, you know, if you wanted
tothink about being a right wee dirty

in the bedroom as well...

You would run a mile.

Hey, now!

I mean, can you believe that
youwill soon have lips like these?

Work is good.

Life is good.

Oh, it's Mrs Scott.You look amazing.

The Claire Danes to Mr Scott'sLeonardo DiCaprio.

Where is the Wolf of Wank Street,then?

He's gone out shopping for
someDolce & Gabbana swim shorts

for the boys' night.

The marriage is likea well-oiled machine.

You mean I've dragged myselfout of bed

and he has forgottenwe're going for lunch?

The marriage is like a
rusty bikepulled out of a canal

at the back of an abattoir.

Right, noo, Vonny, if you're gettinga
taxi back fae Colette's the night,

right, get a black cab.

It's like Ted Bundy private hireround there.

As if you care.

Right, Henry, I'll start the motor.

We're having the boys' nightat Vincent's.

I mean, if we had it at Henry's,
it would feel like having a party

inside one of those kid-on roomsin Ikea.

Er, listen, I do really appreciateyou
going to Colette's tonight.

Mm. I'm getting prepped.

Right, bye-bye.

Here, listen, by the way,

see if my ma gives you any
hassle,just stick the heid on her.

I don't think I know how
tostick the heid on anybody.

Just look them dead in the
eye,darling, stand up for yourself.

What if I did the exact opposite

and was just really,really affectionate?

With them?SHE CHUCKLES

No!

Maybe I could lovebomb them,you know?

Firebomb them, maybe.Lovebomb them, no.

Look...

..my mother used to always tell me,

"Never run away from your
troublesor turn up late for them."

I like that.

Of course, she thendid
a moonlit flit to Kuala Lumpur

and told me she was a lesbianin a Christmas card

that turned up on Pancake Tuesday,so...

Just look them dead in the eye,darling.

Eye contact.

Eye contact.

Say it again.

BOTH: Eye contact.

# Who wants to be a millionaire?

# I do

# Have flashy flunkeys everywhere?

# I do... #

CAR PULLS UP

Oh, look, it's Vonny and Shrek.

I've invited Laura.I've done my bit.

Now the onus is on her to.
..change her whole personality.

Hello, Laura.Goodbye, atmosphere.

Oh, this is nice, Laura.

I didnae think you were coming.

Why?

Well, you don't really like parties,do you?

I like parties.

Oh, Ma, I love the wayshe says "parties".

"Parties."

I'm literally just in the door.

I don't talk like that.

Oh, listen to her, trying
to soundlike one of us now.

"I don't talk like that.

"I'm rough as anything, man,I'm bold as brass."

I'm not trying to sound likeanybody.

"I'm not trying to sound
likeanybody, ya mad bin-licker.

"I run this toon."

Wind yer neck in, Colette,

or you'll be picking your
falseeyelashes oot the artex.

Ya cheeky bastard!

See, Vonny gives it back.I like that.

Oh, it's the mother-in-law!

Angela Lansbury threatened mewith a broken bottle

at the Oliviers. I can handle Moira.

Oh, Vonny.

Moira always hugs Vonny,never hugs me.

But tonight, I am going to hugmy mother-in-law.

Hi, Moira.

I'm doing it.

Lovebomb.

Aayah! Oh!

Christ, she stuck the heid on me!

Bad start.

Laura, do you just wanta
wee Diet Coke or something?

No, I will be drinkinglike a lush.

I always forget that you drink.

You just seem likeone of thae people who disnae.

Boys' night!

Let the healing begin.

Oh, aye, hot tub, booze, slaggings,

your blind cousinopening the champagne.

SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER

Did I get the bastard?

Here, Henry, get in this hot tub,man.

Piss off. Hot tubs are for swingers.

You'd be as well asking me to
eat abig steaming bowl of baws soup.

Aye? Well, here's your dinner.

LAUGHTERAway ye go, you!

Ho-ho!

It's a big gesture, Henry
invitingme oot after what happened.

I'm going into thiswith an open heart.

I think they'll go easy on methe night.

Oh-ho-ho!

JEERING

Nice panties, Joe Exotic.

I'm on the phone to Colette.

BOOING

Colette, I cannae hear you, darling.

Oh, ya big sook.

Big Dyson Fury.

Colette, I need to go. Your
brothersare ripping the pish oot me.

Tell her we'll send her bikinibottoms
back to her in a taxi.

LAUGHTER

They're that bad,even I can see them.

Oh, look at the back of them!

Like a wee thong!

Here, why is she phoning you whenshe
knows you're on the boys' night?

She wanted to make sure
I waswearing the new trunks

she bought me.

JEERING LAUGHTER

Come on, get in here, big man.

Ho! Watch your eye, Vincent!

Beautiful, man.

Games are greatfor family bonding time.

Not this family.

Your da put your Uncle Scoot
inhospital over a game of Buckaroo.

I'll start. Am I a man?

You're very mannish.

Am I a man? No.

Yass, I love being a woman.

And I good-looking?

Naw.

You've got a kind of wee...

A wee squashed, peely-wallyannoying face.

I mean, it's not fairto say you're ugly,

but it's more like you're uglyon the inside,

and it's made you look uglyon the ootside.

Is it not just a "yes" or a "no"?

Oh! Don't get all competitive,Laura.

It's a daft wee game.

Am I rich?

Yes, very.

Am I a fictional character,or am I real?

No, you are not real.

"Fake" is what I would say.

So fictional, then. Mm-hm.

"False" is a better word, actually.

Everything aboot you is false.

Am I sexy?

The person written on the pieceof
paper on your heid is sexy, yes.

Daft question,but am I a baddie?

You were maybe a goodieat one point,

but then you got the ring,didn't you?

You sprung the trapand it turned you rotten.

I'm Gollum. Of course.

I wouldn't say she was Gollum.

Gollum's got a bit of somethingaboot him.

Cheers. That's one for you.

That's yours.

Yass, boys' night!

Nobody makes an entrancelike my big pal AJ.

CHEERING

HE BEATBOXES

Let's go crazy!

CHEERING

HE SNORES

Well, that de-escalated quickly.

Guy works hard all week,lives for the weekend,

makes his big entrance, then cannaemake
it past the first 20 minutes.

See, that's WHYhe's a party legend.

I don't want to speak badlyof my da,

but when he was fighting Darren,

it was like Thorfighting Tweetie Pie.

You have to swallow a lot
of prideto exchange banter bombs

with your conqueror.

You want, er...? I'll just, er...

Here, I'll...

No, I've got it. Ta. Aye.

Touched your hand there.

You did, aye.

Right.

Er, I'll just...

HE GRUNTS

So what do you think of bigDiddy Kong, then?

Big cosplay Snake Plissken?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

It's boys' night.

Da, have you seen The Expanse?

What, Vincent's arse?LAUGHTER

Away you go.

Right, Jason, been waiting
for yearsfor you to hit out

with some quality slaggings.This is the day!

I can feel it.

Right.

Well, I'm a bit of a mad geek,

and, physically, I've not
reallybeen taking care of myself.

And as far as women go...

No! No, no, no.

You don't slag yourself.

Somebody else, like Vincent.

Away you go. Away you go.

You look like Mortarion,
the Daemon Prince of Nurgle.

Whit?

Jason, for slaggings tae work,

people need to understandthe words you're using.

Warhammer. Mortarion.

The ugliest and most diseasedof all the heretics

who turned on the Emperorin Horace's time.

HE MOUTHS

Here, who are we to beslagging
off Vincent anyway?

Precisely.

How can you have anythingbut respect for a man

of his advanced years who is firinginto
his 20-year-old receptionist?

Yass! Aye! Hey, no, no...

Oh, now it's real.

No, no, hold on a minute.

Yous don't actually thinkthat
me and Eilidh are...?

Aye!

It's, like, the main thingI know about you.

Aye, well, yous are obviouslyvery confused.

Maybe it's all that flirtingthat
yous do that's confusing us.

I mean, are those not the
mostkissable wee cherry drops

you've ever seen?

It's a wee routinewe do for the customers.

Shut up!

We're a double act.

I just can't stop licking them.

You get your fillers done,
you look beautiful like her,

and then maybe, maybe, the
handsomedoctor will flirt with you.

Who's the handsome doctor?

I'm the handsome doctor,protein paps.

Look, I need to hirebeautiful people in my game.

Have you seen the peoplethat work for Henry?

You hire a scaffolding,

and you've got Jabba the Hut
and allhis pals crawling aboot

outside your living room window.

Listen to yourself - double act!

Look, I'm not gonnae have peopletalking
about Eilidh like that,

all right? She's a smart,
hard-working young woman,

and I'm her mentor, all right?

I'm offering her a guiding hand.

Aye, a guiding handright onto your tadger.

Yass!

Oh, come on, Ronnie.Piss off, the lot of yous.

You know what?

Anybody disrespecting Eilidhcan
get out of my big hoose.

And you know what?

I hate boys' night.

Cannae have a good time unless
we'reall ripping each other to shreds.

Like, why can we no just
saythat we love each other, eh?

Would that not be a good nightfor the boys?

Ronnie. What?

I love you.

LAUGHTER

So, obviously, there's a lotof big opportunities

coming my way this year,so now's the time for me

to get back into my music.

Good God.

I got together with a wee beat makercalled Steg,

and this is my new song.

SHE BEATBOXES

# Lynn Weir, do you remember me?

# You stole my boyfriendin primary three

# But the tables have turnedThere's
no need to pretend

# Your husband keeps slidinginto my DMs... #

SHE BEATBOXES

# ..Tell your manto give me peace

# Lynn Weir, you're quite obese. #

You're obese.

Did I ask for permission
to useLynn Weir's name in a song?

Er, did she ask me permissionto go to the swingie

with Jamie Rolandand share his Monster Munch?

So, what's your feedback?

Be honest, I can take it.

I mean, I can pump out hits

like Ronald McDonald pumps outchicken nuggets.

So, it's a parody song, right?

Naw, it's an original song.
I've never even heard of Parody.

Colette, hen, it's rid rotten.

Cheers, Ma.

VOICE WOBBLES: I'll go
and seeif the pizzas are ready.

Lovebomb.

Colette?

I thought that was really good.

It was really funky.

Did you?

Did you think it was really funky?

Yeah! It's got a kind ofOlly
Murs vibe to it, you know?

Really?

Tell me this - is this you coming
inhere to get in between me and my ma?

What?

You've seen my ma hurt my feelings,

and you've decided tosnake your way in.

No, I've decided to saysomething
encouraging, Colette,

which seems to be an alien conceptto this family.

Aye? Well, yuck.

I'd rather hear my ma tell memy song was rotten

than hear youtrying to encourage me.

I can't win. Are you sure?

Because your hair looks like
you wona raffle for a Turkish barber.

Away you go,you mad stank monster.

20 years of lying down to this.

It's time to stand up.

Do you know what?

Eff you, Colette.

Eff you.

Oh, well, well!A wee bit of fire in her belly,

underneath all those stretchmarksthat
she's hiding away

under her mad-mammy dresses.

I have been nothing but nice to you.

Well, I don't trust peoplethat
are nice all the time,

or people that don't drink.

I told you that I do drink!

Look.

SHE HISSES

SHE GAGS

Look at the state of you.

It's all one-way traffic
with you,isn't it, Laura?

I've telt you horrible thingsthat I've done.
Nothing back.

I've poured my heart out to you,nothing back,

but, "Oh, well, don't feel
too bad,it'll all be fine."

What are you doing?

Are you trying to hypnotise me,you mad Jafar?

I'm making eye contact.

I've known you for aboot 20
year,Laura, but I don't KNOW you.

Have you ever had muckunder your fingernails

or dirt on your knees?

Tell me one shameful thingaboot you.

Oh, I've had dirty knees.

I don't mean from kneeling
doonto say your prayers.

Muck under my fingernailsand dirty, filthy knees.

Literally. Aye, Popeye.

Well, believe it. Well, spit it oot.

I lost my virginity under a tractor!

Oh!

Hold on.

You met Henryin a nightclub in Ibiza.

And Ibiza isnae knownfor its arable farmland.

Oh, my God.

It wisnae Henry.

And he disnae know.

This is the best night of my life.

I never lied.

He just assumed that we
hadboth been each other's firsts,

and then I never corrected him.

Well, finally,I know something aboot you.

Hey!

See when I was a wee guy?

I used to try and do theone-
armed press-ups like Rocky.

Oh, did you? Aye.

Aye, I used to try them and all.
Normal guys cannae do them.

I can do them.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

I can do them and all.

Don't talk shite.

VINCENT SIGHS

Aye, well,yous obviously don't know me.

I don't just train for show.

I train for go.

Go where, ya tadge?

Over the bakeryfor six strawberry tarts?

I'll be doing a one-armedpush-doon in a minute,

your heid under the water,Twattoweegie.

Right then, George of the Jungle,
you and me, one-armed push-ups.

We'll just see who quits first.

All right.

LAUGHTER

How many? None.

Ha! Wank.

Right, Laura, my big sister,our turn.

CHEERING

Can we sing Dancing Queen?

Naw, that's cringe. Something else.
Anything you want, pal.

Erm...

..Ed Sheeran?Bad Romance it is.

This one is dedicatedto Vonny and Vincent.

MUSIC: Bad Romanceby Lady Gaga

THEY VOCALISE ALONG

# Caught in a bad romance... #

Vonny, you and Vincentall right?

No.

VINCENT SOBS GENTLY

Is he greeting?

Shut up! Greeting.

Oh, Da, he is.

No, he's not.

Aye, I am.

I'm losing my wife, boys.

She disnae love me any more,I can f...

I can feel it in my bones.

So is he greeting or what?

Aye, I'm greeting!

It pains me to say it, but...

..guys like me don't know what
todo when they see another guy greet.

Should somebody maybe...give him a cuddle?

I'm always up for cuddles if...

Away and cuddle your Hulk Hoganpillow. He's fine!

I'm not fine! I'm not fine.

What's the point of beingthe only guy in Glasgow

who disnae need to inflatehis hot tub

if my wife's gonnae leave mesitting alone in it?

Is his face actually wet, Henry?

My face is wet, Ronnie!Do ye need to touch it?!

Come on.

Get off me!

So is he ACTUALLY greeting?

Aye, Ronnie! He's greeting!

Enjoy the rest of your night, boys.

I am off.

Boys' night!

I've seen Vincent crying before,

but never face doonin the dirt like that.

I knew I was handling it badly.

Then I remembered what Laura said.

"Tell him he's brilliant."

She's usually right.

Look, I know yous have takena few wrong turns,

but Vonny is mad aboot you.

And how could she not be?

You're a cracking uncle.

Thanks, wee man.

Aye, and I knowwe could be tough on you,

but, hold on, see if my da could
seewhat you've made of yourself?

Oh, he would be so proud of you.So proud.

Anything else?

Well, you're...You're just brilliant.

That's what else.

Aye, but anything kind of
specificabout how brilliant I am?

Erm...

If Colette wasn't alwayspointing it out,

I would have no ideayou used to be bald.

Aye, not so much of that.

I've never seen anybody command

a 1,000-point Daemons of Slaanesharmy
the way you can, Uncle Vincent.

That's true, I dae make
thaehedonites sing, don't I?

Oh, aye. Yes, you do.

Yous are right, boys.

Of course my wife still loves me!

I mean, I'm the best guy out.

Oh, the best one.

Thanks, boys. Cheers. Thanks, boys.

Henry, come here.

Telling your brotherhe's brilliant -

worst night of my life.

Good wee singsong but.

# ..Ship called dignity... #

THEY VOCALISE

# I try to discover a littlesomething
to make me sweeter

# Oh, baby, refrain... #

I kind of hate how it happened,

but I think Colette and
Ihave got a wee bit closer.

# ..From breaking my heart... #

Brilliant night!

Cracking night.

Amazing night.

Surprise!

Oh!

Now it's a party!

Of course, I had to tell Henrymy secret.

He took it well.

A BLEEP farmer?

Aye, magic night.

BOTH: Good night.

Och, it was all right.

THEY SHOUT

SHE SHRIEKS

Stauner McGregor has got a fight.

I love number twos.

Oh!

Boom.

Oh, beautiful.

Are you sleeping with my husband?

Who's the champ?

You are. No!

Look at the physique on that guy!

He looks like you daein yer ain heid.

BELL RINGS

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