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- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
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♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
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♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
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- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
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♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
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♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
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♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
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- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
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[steady music]
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- Lyndon LaQueefe High School 60th Reunion?
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What? I'll defect to North Korea.
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I'll learn chopsticks-- the song and the utensil.
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- Why you got such a bug up your bunger about high school?
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- Oh, everyone was a shallow conformist
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who valued good looks above my superior intellect.
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And they gave me titty twisters.
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- Wow, what a coincidence.
18
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I got some kind of invitation today, too.
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- [sighs] It's not a coincidence, Freddy.
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We were in the same fucking class.
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- What's that have to do with anything?
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- Lot of lead paint in that school.
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- I'll tell you who was the shallowest--
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Goldie Ghirardelli.
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No relation. - She wasn't shallow.
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She was pretty and had big boobs.
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- Freddy, they weren't just big.
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They were supple and pillowy, like clouds you could honk.
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I had no interest in her.
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- No interest? [scoffs]
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Man, you were head over stanky heels
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for those big-ass titties. [laughs]
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Bay Area Barbie wouldn't give you the time of day.
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- Say, Hot Pants, you got the time of day?
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- Sure, it's ten past titty-twister time.
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- Ow! Ooh!
37
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Oh! - [growls]
38
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- See that, Cliff? Got to second base with Goldie.
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Another W for the Phin man.
40
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Yow. - [grunts]
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- Aah! - [grunts]
42
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- Let me out of here! I'm scared!
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- Uh, not to, uh... [chuckles]
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Burst your boner, but don't forget--
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your classmates have all aged 60 years.
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- Shut up, Franklin. I'm onto something.
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My classmates have all aged 60 years.
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I could go rub my youthful good looks
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in their sagging faces,
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especially Goldie, who I never had the slightest interest in.
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- And I'm going to show them what one man with a D average
52
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can accomplish in this world.
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both: Fear the Queef!
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[indistinct chatter]
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[rock music]
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- [groaning weakly]
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♪ ♪
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- All right, let me get my list out of clever insults.
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Hey, Larry Osbourne!
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Or should I say cancer survivor?
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[laughs] Check.
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- Damn, they got sangria in a punch bowl,
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and I brought a straw.
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♪ ♪
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- This one goes out to Herb Larson
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from his bedridden wife, Rachel, that reads,
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"You left your diaper on the dresser,
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so go easy on the sugar cookies."
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- Put down the snickerdoodles, Herb.
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Your wife says you're going to shit yourself.
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- And she's usually right.
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[person laughing]
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[Tommy James' "Crimson and Clover"]
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- ♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪
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[shimmering tone, bell dings]
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- Either I snorted too much shower mold,
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or Goldie Ghirardelli is still a knockout.
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- Hey, you think she fell asleep for 50 years like us?
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- All I know is, her tits are wide awake, and I'm going in.
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Hold my grievance list, Freddy.
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- [humming]
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♪ ♪
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Oh, dang it to hell.
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That was my grandmama's 'stache comb.
85
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- Hey, Franklin, what you got going on here?
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- Well, uh, since the house is empty,
87
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I figured you and me could watch
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a romantic motion picture
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and share fine wine Noah was saving
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for Elizabeth Warren's inauguration.
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- Oh, you lit candles and combed your mustache?
92
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[cell phone chimes] Oh, mierda. Shit!
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Franklin, I have a date. [car horn honks]
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- Listen, lady, if you're trying to spare my feelings
95
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by making up some mystery man
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in a very expensive Italian sports car,
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well, it ain't working.
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- [smooches] both: Rain check?
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[soft music]
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[both sobbing]
101
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- They're in love, and they have cancer.
102
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[blows nose] [door opens]
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- Whatever the hell you're doing, you're done.
104
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I just found out I will be throwing a gender-reveal party
105
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here at Casa de Switzer!
106
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- It's for Mom's boss, Dennis Chang,
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and his husband, Douglas Feldman Chang.
108
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They're 8 and 1/2 months pregnant.
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- Is that my Liz Warren Pino?
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- It's not like you were going to get to open it anyway.
111
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- [sighs] At least I still have my Andrew Yang Shiraz.
112
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- Eh, I-I-I'm trying to keep up here.
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Y-y'all are saying these two fellas are knocked up?
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- No, they're using a surrogate--
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a birthing person whose egg was fertilized
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by the two men's blended sperm.
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- Known in the Castro as Liberace's Breakfast.
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[laughs]
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I can make that joke because I'm LGBTQIA+,
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and because all they hear is ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
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- Hello, Goldie, lady Queefers.
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- Phineas T. Freakers.
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- My God, how do you look so young?
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Actually, I don't care. I'm aroused.
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- [groans, scoffs]
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You literally have not changed one bit.
127
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- So I don't see a ring.
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Are you married, divorced, or did you go gay?
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And by gay, I mean dyke.
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Ah! Ah!
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- Is this freak bothering you?
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Want me I should stuff him in a locker?
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- [laughs] Ah, Cliff, the tables have turned,
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you senile old fart.
135
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Don't embarrass yourself.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!
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Ah, my ass!
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[laughter]
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- ♪ Yo, Phineas thought he could get some ♪
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- ♪ But he ain't got game ♪
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both: ♪ Fell on his rectum ♪ [air horns blowing]
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- Ah!
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[indistinct chatter] - [laughs]
144
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- Mr. Martin, bet you can't guess who I am.
145
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- Freddy Freekowtski.
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- Who told you? - [laughs]
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You tried to trade your cat
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for a passing grade in remedial multiplication.
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[firecracker popping]
150
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- I don't need the cat. You keep her.
151
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- But we had a deal.
152
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I have to raise my average to D-minus or--
153
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- Done. You will pass. You'll graduate.
154
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- Edgar, hurry. Time for round two.
155
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- Well, I'll be a monkey's butler.
156
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That lady sounds just like my mom.
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- [laughs] That's ridiculous.
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I wouldn't know your mom if she was naked in my kitchen,
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ass pointed to the sky, and jumper cables on her nipples.
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[electricity crackles] - Oh!
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Ooh! Whoo!
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- You know, I never figured out
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why you gave me that passing grade.
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[glass shatters] What?
165
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- Uh-uh-uh-uh, run that back, Jack.
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You tried to give me away?
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- You're the best-looking guy here.
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Now go back out there and prove to Goldie you're not a loser,
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then kindly invite her back to the basement you live in
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with two other grown men. [door opens]
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- Figured I'd find you here, cowering like a chicken.
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Chicken boy.
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Bawk, bawk, bawk! Little chicken boy!
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Wah!
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- Ah, Cliff, you diabetic douchebag.
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[bell dings]
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- Aah! - Ah!
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- Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!
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Cluck! [toilet flushes]
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[rock music]
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- I thought I was his ride-or-die,
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day-one kitty cat.
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Trade me in
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for a D-motherfucking-minus?
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[grunts]
186
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- [slurps]
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Ho-ho. Hey, how do you do?
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- Howdy there, cowboy.
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I don't remember you.
190
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- Afraid I'm crashing, darling.
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Uh, night didn't go as planned.
192
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In fact, it turned out pretty rough.
193
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- I can make it rougher, if you're into that.
194
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How are you at choking ladies?
195
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- [coughs] Straight shooter.
196
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Hoo, daddy. [chuckles]
197
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Tell me, why is a lady in her 30s
198
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dressed like a pom-pom gal from the '60s?
199
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- You know just what to say, don't you, Tex?
200
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My plastic surgeon would be flattered.
201
00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:07,412
How about I show you my old locker?
202
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[people moaning, grunting]
203
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[indistinct chatter]
204
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- Sounds like some geezer's having a heart attack.
205
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Oh, I hope it's Tom Fitzpatrick.
206
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Yes, he was a real fuckface.
207
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[dramatic music]
208
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♪ ♪
209
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- No!
210
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- Kitty, you got to forgive me.
211
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We had only been together for a week.
212
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- [scoffs] Whatever, titty man.
213
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- I made you this.
214
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I ate all the crayons, so I drawed it with my boogers.
215
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- Uh-uh, you can't fix this
216
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with empty words and snot paint.
217
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You got to treat others with respect.
218
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Out of my way, fuck-tard!
219
00:09:54,459 --> 00:09:56,962
- I told you-- I didn't know it was Goldie.
220
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Unwritten rule of bathroom sex--no names.
221
00:10:00,732 --> 00:10:03,101
- Once again, the delicate genius
222
00:10:03,168 --> 00:10:06,471
is cuckolded by the guy with the billowing mustache
223
00:10:06,538 --> 00:10:09,041
and facially proportionate nose.
224
00:10:09,107 --> 00:10:10,842
- Can somebody give me a ride?
225
00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:13,312
My parents are too busy with gender-reveal-party stuff.
226
00:10:13,378 --> 00:10:14,613
- I'll drive you.
227
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,315
You won't rip out my heart
228
00:10:16,381 --> 00:10:18,417
and then stomp it with your cowboy boots
229
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into a thousand chunks of bloody mush.
230
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You got gas money?
231
00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:26,458
[rock music]
232
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♪ ♪
233
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- Dang, got the itchers in my trouser sprouts.
234
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Ahh, that's better. - Stop scratching your balls!
235
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No sitting on furniture until after the gender-reveal party.
236
00:10:40,772 --> 00:10:44,076
- Ugh! Es un hijo de puta no bueno!
237
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[objects clatter]
238
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,248
- Gretch, e-everything okay in there?
239
00:10:49,314 --> 00:10:51,383
- No, my date was trash.
240
00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,318
- Well, you want to talk about it?
241
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[objects clatter]
242
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- Okay.
243
00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:58,690
- He was married?
244
00:10:58,757 --> 00:11:01,360
That "infidelious" double dunker.
245
00:11:01,426 --> 00:11:04,029
- Ah! I'm always picking the wrong guy.
246
00:11:04,096 --> 00:11:05,664
I wish I stayed home with you.
247
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:08,800
- Well, uh, you still got that rain check,
248
00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:12,504
and, uh, it don't need to be raining to cash it in.
249
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:16,475
- [laughs] No, it doesn't, Mr. Corny Smooth Talk.
250
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[chomping]
251
00:11:22,447 --> 00:11:23,882
- Ooh. [chuckles]
252
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:26,918
Hey, uh, would you kindly excuse me?
253
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Uh, I'll be right back.
254
00:11:30,555 --> 00:11:34,726
Ah! Oh, I got a critter in my crabgrass.
255
00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:36,962
[grunting]
256
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,965
[dramatic music]
257
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♪ ♪
258
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- Oh, you almost ripped my head off
259
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:47,873
with that shit scraper.
260
00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:51,176
- [gasps] Jiminy Crab? - As you live and breed.
261
00:11:51,243 --> 00:11:52,878
Freewheelin' Franklin,
262
00:11:52,944 --> 00:11:55,947
good to be on your jumbo jiz cannon again.
263
00:11:56,014 --> 00:11:57,716
- God dang, Jiminy,
264
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,986
you haven't itched my jean jungle since the late '60s.
265
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:03,221
- Ah, the good old days--
266
00:12:03,288 --> 00:12:05,891
free love, unprotected sex,
267
00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:10,095
bouncing from hippie hair pie to psychedelic sack weed.
268
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,532
- [chuckling] Yeah, we did have some fun times.
269
00:12:13,598 --> 00:12:16,535
Hey, well, how did you-- Hey, where you been?
270
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:20,605
- Well, let me put it to you like this.
271
00:12:20,672 --> 00:12:22,708
One, two, three, four.
272
00:12:22,774 --> 00:12:25,277
♪ I was living the life ♪
273
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,979
♪ As pubic lice ♪
274
00:12:28,046 --> 00:12:31,650
♪ Hopscotching from crotch to crotch ♪
275
00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:34,319
♪ Just making my way ♪
276
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:37,255
♪ Till one fine day ♪
277
00:12:37,322 --> 00:12:41,460
♪ Woke up in the snatch of a wrinkly, old biatch ♪
278
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:45,030
♪ Residing in the retirement home ♪
279
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:48,066
♪ Where the geezers go to bone ♪
280
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:51,269
♪ I soldiered on from schlong to schlong ♪
281
00:12:51,336 --> 00:12:53,638
♪ Schlong to schlong, schlong to schlong ♪
282
00:12:53,705 --> 00:12:55,841
♪ And when they went ♪
283
00:12:55,907 --> 00:12:58,443
♪ To a 60th-reunion event ♪
284
00:12:58,510 --> 00:13:00,479
♪ ♪
285
00:13:00,545 --> 00:13:04,683
♪ Well, lucky me ♪
286
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:08,120
♪ 'Cause you fucked Goldie ♪
287
00:13:08,186 --> 00:13:10,655
♪ Yeah, I'm back, Jack ♪
288
00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:13,492
♪ New and improved ♪
289
00:13:13,558 --> 00:13:16,161
♪ Back living ♪
290
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:23,068
♪ Inside your pubes ♪
291
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:24,870
Ahh.
292
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:27,339
- [chuckles] Well, a simple "I've been around"
293
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,141
would have sufficed.
294
00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:33,412
- Now boner up, and let's bring some beaver, baby.
295
00:13:33,478 --> 00:13:36,581
- Sorry, old pal, but that gal out there is special,
296
00:13:36,648 --> 00:13:38,350
and I don't want to give her a case
297
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:40,685
of the, uh...you.
298
00:13:40,752 --> 00:13:42,421
- [mockingly] That girl out there is special.
299
00:13:42,487 --> 00:13:43,889
[normal voice] You soft son of a bitch!
300
00:13:43,955 --> 00:13:46,024
You better find me another hair pie,
301
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:49,394
or I'll chew your stank hangers clean off the vine.
302
00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:52,097
[chomping] - [shudders]
303
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:55,434
Mm, sorry about that. W-where were we?
304
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:56,968
- I held your seat.
305
00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:58,103
Everything okay?
306
00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,938
- [clears throat] This is a bit embarrassing,
307
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,174
but I think I might have ate some...
308
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,111
[grunting] Bad tacos at the reunion last night.
309
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,947
- You did more than eat that taco.
310
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,817
Hey-oh! The Crab Man's still got it.
311
00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:14,186
- Yeah, I think I got to go. I got to go. I got to go.
312
00:14:14,252 --> 00:14:16,955
I got--I got to take a rain check on our rain check.
313
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,192
[chuckles] - Okay, sure. No problem.
314
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:25,397
- I'd say I'll pay you back for the ice cream,
315
00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:26,832
but that would be a lie.
316
00:14:26,898 --> 00:14:28,733
- Can you at least give me the change from the 20?
317
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,235
- Just as soon as we pull over.
318
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:32,838
That's also a lie. Where are we going, anyway?
319
00:14:32,904 --> 00:14:35,240
- Two more blocks, then make a right.
320
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:36,875
- Plastic surgery clinic?
321
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,877
- Yeah, I'm getting lip fillers
322
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,414
so I can look hot like the cool girls at my school.
323
00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:43,982
Kaley, and Kimmy and the other Kaley
324
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,684
will be at the gender-reveal party,
325
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,853
and I don't want to look like me.
326
00:14:47,919 --> 00:14:49,955
- There's nothing wrong with the way you look.
327
00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:52,591
How old are you, 19? - I'm 13.
328
00:14:52,657 --> 00:14:56,027
- Well, you're adopted, so you could be 28, for all we know.
329
00:14:56,094 --> 00:14:59,130
Can't tell by looking at you. Asian don't raisin.
330
00:14:59,197 --> 00:15:00,665
But be sure of this--
331
00:15:00,732 --> 00:15:03,001
the medical-industrial cabal
332
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,371
is exploiting your insecurities to line their pockets.
333
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,507
[horns blaring, tires squealing]
334
00:15:08,573 --> 00:15:10,275
- You're taking me home?
335
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:12,978
- Sorry, kid, but no "quackstic" surgeon
336
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:15,981
is going to touch one freckle on your pretty punim,
337
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:18,617
not on my watch.
338
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:19,951
[person groans]
339
00:15:20,018 --> 00:15:22,687
Says here you can give any ordinary Joe
340
00:15:22,754 --> 00:15:24,556
movie-star looks and sex appeal.
341
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:27,893
It also says, no credit, no problem.
342
00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:31,029
- And the gender of your baby, or ying-ar,
343
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,932
will be revealed via pink or blue fireworks
344
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:36,134
shot from a cannon, Mr. Chang.
345
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,103
- Approved.
346
00:15:38,169 --> 00:15:40,805
- Then we'll have my husband Noah's handcrafted desserts.
347
00:15:40,872 --> 00:15:43,141
- My secret ingredient crème pâtissière tarts
348
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:44,109
from scratch.
349
00:15:44,175 --> 00:15:46,177
- No nuts! Douglas is allergic.
350
00:15:46,244 --> 00:15:49,548
He can't have nuts. - I'll bet he has some nuts.
351
00:15:49,614 --> 00:15:51,750
Yours, if I wasn't clear. [laughs]
352
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:53,552
[door closes]
353
00:15:53,618 --> 00:15:54,953
- Good afternoon.
354
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,821
- Oh, dear Lord! Ah, ah!
355
00:15:56,888 --> 00:15:59,291
- Oh, my God. What the fuck happened to you?
356
00:15:59,357 --> 00:16:00,959
- I got lip injections.
357
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,328
Don't it make me look beautiful?
358
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:05,397
[smooching]
359
00:16:05,463 --> 00:16:08,767
Goldie won't be able to keep her hands off me.
360
00:16:08,833 --> 00:16:11,303
You, sir, you're an effeminate gentleman
361
00:16:11,369 --> 00:16:12,804
likely of discerning taste.
362
00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:14,172
What say you?
363
00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:17,809
- This better not be at my party.
364
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:20,345
- More! I need more work, God damn it!
365
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:23,882
I'll take the "Ass to Elbows" package with a DiCaprio schnoz
366
00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:25,984
and a side of Tobey Maguire.
367
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:28,720
I ain't leaving till it's perfect!
368
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:30,188
- [moaning]
369
00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:33,358
- Yeah, Frankie! Go, Frankie! Put some back into it!
370
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:36,628
- Okay, Jiminy, happy trails, my foul-mouthed friend.
371
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:39,664
- Nice knowing you Free Fucking Franklin.
372
00:16:39,731 --> 00:16:42,200
[shouting wildly]
373
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,902
I'm going in!
374
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:46,137
- Hey, hey, hey. - [moaning]
375
00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:48,273
- [humming] - [breathing heavily]
376
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,475
Whoa.
377
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:51,977
From the dispensary--
378
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:55,180
your favorite pre-roll in the whole wide world.
379
00:16:55,246 --> 00:16:57,282
- Thoughtful. You got a light?
380
00:17:02,387 --> 00:17:06,057
- Mm-hmm, yeah! That's that good herb.
381
00:17:06,124 --> 00:17:07,359
That's the shit.
382
00:17:07,425 --> 00:17:09,260
Freddy, okay, Freddy.
383
00:17:09,327 --> 00:17:11,029
- Oh, that's a relief.
384
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:13,465
[chain saw whirring loudly]
385
00:17:13,531 --> 00:17:15,467
Oh! [body thuds]
386
00:17:15,533 --> 00:17:18,803
- Apology not accepted.
387
00:17:20,705 --> 00:17:24,175
- [laughs] Wow, a guitar.
388
00:17:24,242 --> 00:17:27,512
[both laughing] That's insane. Do another one.
389
00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:32,083
- Okay, all right, here's Jane Fonda in "Barbarella."
390
00:17:33,818 --> 00:17:36,121
[laughter]
391
00:17:36,187 --> 00:17:38,423
[slurps] - I'll get more wine.
392
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,625
- Ooh.
393
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:42,260
- What should we toast to next?
394
00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:45,930
- To cracking some clam. - Whoa, whoa.
395
00:17:45,997 --> 00:17:47,899
[whispering] What the hell, Jiminy?
396
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,835
I passed you on to that nurse who liked it standing up.
397
00:17:50,902 --> 00:17:53,438
- Almost, but she pierced the clit,
398
00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:57,308
hit my head on that yammy stud and got knocked out cold.
399
00:17:57,375 --> 00:17:59,544
- I'll do more than knock you out
400
00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:00,812
if you don't shut the fuck up.
401
00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:02,781
- [chomping] - Oh, get off me!
402
00:18:02,847 --> 00:18:03,848
- What?
403
00:18:03,915 --> 00:18:05,650
- Oh, you want me gone?
404
00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:07,652
Then close the deal with this bitch!
405
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,287
- Bitch? - Excuse me?
406
00:18:09,354 --> 00:18:11,322
- Uh, Gretchen, I-I can explain.
407
00:18:11,389 --> 00:18:13,491
I'll--I'll show you. - Whoa, Franklin.
408
00:18:13,558 --> 00:18:15,760
- I got a monster in my pants.
409
00:18:15,827 --> 00:18:17,762
- Hey, sweetheart, how you doing?
410
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:19,698
[muffled] Oh, you're crushing me.
411
00:18:19,764 --> 00:18:21,433
I can't breathe.
412
00:18:21,499 --> 00:18:22,967
- I think you should leave.
413
00:18:23,034 --> 00:18:25,236
- Gretch, you don't understand.
414
00:18:25,303 --> 00:18:27,138
- Now.
415
00:18:27,205 --> 00:18:28,940
[door slams]
416
00:18:32,811 --> 00:18:34,045
- What are you doing out here?
417
00:18:34,112 --> 00:18:35,513
We're in a crap house, ain't we?
418
00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:37,749
So crap.
419
00:18:37,816 --> 00:18:40,985
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's killer crab cream.
420
00:18:41,052 --> 00:18:44,322
- You are ruining my life, you testicle termite.
421
00:18:44,389 --> 00:18:47,692
- Frankie, baby, after everything I've done for you?
422
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:51,963
Who saved you from marrying that single mother in '65, hmm,
423
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:54,466
the one with the three kids barely making ends meet?
424
00:18:54,532 --> 00:18:56,067
I'm a hero.
425
00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:59,637
Oh, Frankie, please, you can't kill me.
426
00:18:59,704 --> 00:19:02,674
We're like brothers. It's fratricide.
427
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:05,510
[soft music]
428
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:08,813
- There is one other way.
429
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,016
- [snoring]
430
00:19:14,452 --> 00:19:16,855
- Goldie, my Darling.
431
00:19:16,921 --> 00:19:20,191
- Who--who's there? And where are my smokes?
432
00:19:20,258 --> 00:19:23,061
- It's me, Hot Pants. It's Phineas.
433
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,929
FYI, you fart in your sleep.
434
00:19:24,996 --> 00:19:27,265
- What the hell are you doing here?
435
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:28,433
- I was inspired
436
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,935
by your timeless and surgically enhanced beauty.
437
00:19:31,002 --> 00:19:34,005
I got myself a little nip and a tiny tuck,
438
00:19:34,072 --> 00:19:36,941
and now I look like a movie star.
439
00:19:37,008 --> 00:19:39,677
- Goldie... [chuckles] Remember me, darling?
440
00:19:39,744 --> 00:19:41,913
We humped in the shitter.
441
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:44,115
- It's showtime.
442
00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:46,217
- Franklin? - Franklin?
443
00:19:46,284 --> 00:19:48,720
- Phineas?
444
00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:51,489
- Aah, a monster!
445
00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:53,725
- Christ on a coke binge.
446
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:57,328
Aah! [gasping] [heart pounding]
447
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:01,966
- She's dead! You killed her!
448
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,002
- What are you standing there for?
449
00:20:04,068 --> 00:20:07,539
Body's still warm. Fuck her, dummy.
450
00:20:07,605 --> 00:20:09,874
[indistinct chatter]
451
00:20:09,941 --> 00:20:12,911
- Want some pie, Kitty? - [grunts]
452
00:20:12,977 --> 00:20:15,647
You can't buy me back with shmoke and shweets.
453
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:18,149
That ain't love. - [sniffles]
454
00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:21,386
Kitty, please, what do I have to do?
455
00:20:21,452 --> 00:20:23,454
- Hmph!
456
00:20:23,521 --> 00:20:25,356
- Your lips are thin.
457
00:20:25,423 --> 00:20:28,126
- Your mom is fucking her yoga instructor.
458
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,895
- My dad is a yoga instructor.
459
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:32,864
[both sobbing]
460
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:34,499
- Aloha.
461
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,301
Your attentions, please.
462
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:40,438
- Nobody asked us to, but we wrote a song.
463
00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:42,674
This is from Dennis and Douglas to their surrogate,
464
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:43,842
Vanilla Weiss.
465
00:20:43,908 --> 00:20:45,510
- And here it goes!
466
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:50,114
both: ♪ She's making a baby for two gay dads ♪
467
00:20:50,181 --> 00:20:53,151
♪ Some say it's sick, but we think it's rad ♪
468
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:55,987
♪ She's doing it for pay, ain't got nowhere to stay ♪
469
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:59,190
♪ 'Cause she's h-h-h-h-h-h-homeless ♪
470
00:20:59,257 --> 00:21:03,795
♪ And addicted to h-h-h-h-h-h-heroin ♪
471
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:08,299
♪ They ripped it out her womb ♪
472
00:21:08,366 --> 00:21:09,434
- Uh...
473
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:13,004
both: ♪ We'll reveal the gender soon ♪
474
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:14,472
♪ Fuckin' homeless ♪
475
00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:17,976
- Okay, okay, actually, we'll reveal the gender now.
476
00:21:18,042 --> 00:21:19,544
The envelope, please.
477
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,379
- Get away from me! - I'll kill you!
478
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:24,315
I was about to make love to my dream girl!
479
00:21:24,382 --> 00:21:25,450
You homewrecker!
480
00:21:25,516 --> 00:21:27,552
- Goldie wasn't going to have sex with you.
481
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:30,722
Your face is more butchered than a pulled-pork sandwich...
482
00:21:30,788 --> 00:21:32,423
[object thuds, person screams]
483
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,759
Carolina style, with the vinegar.
484
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:36,594
That ain't even real barbecue.
485
00:21:36,661 --> 00:21:38,897
[dramatic music]
486
00:21:38,963 --> 00:21:40,899
♪ ♪
487
00:21:40,965 --> 00:21:44,135
- Oh! - No, not the joint.
488
00:21:44,202 --> 00:21:47,372
- ♪ The buzz is kickin' in, and I like it ♪
489
00:21:47,438 --> 00:21:49,107
♪ I feel it in my skin ♪
490
00:21:49,173 --> 00:21:51,109
- My Tom Ford limited-edition frames!
491
00:21:51,175 --> 00:21:54,045
- My envelope!
492
00:21:54,112 --> 00:21:56,648
- It's a boy!
493
00:21:56,714 --> 00:22:00,952
- Oh, shit! - Kitty!
494
00:22:01,019 --> 00:22:03,888
[groans]
495
00:22:03,955 --> 00:22:06,057
[grunts] - I'm okay.
496
00:22:06,124 --> 00:22:07,592
- Oh, shit.
497
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:11,195
[people screaming]
498
00:22:11,262 --> 00:22:13,298
- It's a girl! - My face!
499
00:22:13,364 --> 00:22:15,199
- What the fuck is the gender?
500
00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:17,969
- Oh! Ah, ah, ah, hot! Ow!
501
00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:19,938
- Freddy, stay with me.
502
00:22:20,004 --> 00:22:22,473
- I see a bright light.
503
00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:25,543
- Ah, you took a bullet for me.
504
00:22:25,610 --> 00:22:28,046
- I'd do anything for you, Kitty.
505
00:22:28,112 --> 00:22:30,214
I love you. - [sobs]
506
00:22:30,281 --> 00:22:33,785
I love you, too, you big dumb-dumb,
507
00:22:33,851 --> 00:22:36,788
and I forgive you.
508
00:22:36,854 --> 00:22:40,892
Ah, please, Lord, let him live!
509
00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:42,126
- Oh, are there any more
510
00:22:42,193 --> 00:22:44,362
of those cream-filled pastry thingies?
511
00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:47,699
- My man. - I smell burning plastic.
512
00:22:47,765 --> 00:22:49,701
- [screams]
513
00:22:58,943 --> 00:23:01,579
- Hey, Phineas, they're going to take off your bandages now.
514
00:23:01,646 --> 00:23:04,215
Doc said he did the best he could, but--
515
00:23:04,282 --> 00:23:05,650
- He said you'll probably look gross,
516
00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:07,218
and we should pretend you don't.
517
00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:08,586
- Yeah, okay.
518
00:23:08,653 --> 00:23:10,455
- Remember, beauty's a construct
519
00:23:10,521 --> 00:23:12,557
of the medical-industrial cabal.
520
00:23:12,623 --> 00:23:15,226
It's what's on the inside that counts.
521
00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:16,694
- You're right.
522
00:23:16,761 --> 00:23:19,330
I know I'm going to look like a Quasimodo monster.
523
00:23:19,397 --> 00:23:22,400
I only hope you'll see past my horrible visage
524
00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:24,335
into the beauty that lies beneath.
525
00:23:24,402 --> 00:23:26,904
And, Franklin, our friendship means too much to me.
526
00:23:26,971 --> 00:23:30,908
I forgive you for killing Goldie and for porking her.
527
00:23:30,975 --> 00:23:32,377
Actually, how was it?
528
00:23:32,443 --> 00:23:34,312
Don't tell me, but maybe do.
529
00:23:34,379 --> 00:23:37,281
- Bong water under the bridge, my brother.
530
00:23:37,348 --> 00:23:41,386
[dramatic music]
531
00:23:41,452 --> 00:23:43,521
all: Oh! - Oh, jeez!
532
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:45,790
- Put it back on. - Uh, look at you.
533
00:23:45,857 --> 00:23:47,625
- Ain't that a motherfucker?
534
00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:49,260
- What? How bad?
535
00:23:49,327 --> 00:23:52,163
Give me a mirror.
536
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:54,499
Doc, you're a miracle worker.
537
00:23:54,565 --> 00:23:55,933
I'm gorgeous.
538
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,468
[glass shatters] Mwah.
539
00:23:57,535 --> 00:23:59,504
- Ew. - I'm back, baby.
540
00:23:59,570 --> 00:24:03,141
How's it feel to stand next to me, you bunch of uggos?
541
00:24:03,207 --> 00:24:05,676
I got brains and beauty.
542
00:24:05,743 --> 00:24:07,945
I'm the whole package.
543
00:24:08,012 --> 00:24:11,649
Mm-hmm.
544
00:24:11,716 --> 00:24:14,485
- Well, I think we can all agree on one thing--
545
00:24:14,552 --> 00:24:17,188
it's good to have the old Phineas back.
546
00:24:17,255 --> 00:24:20,358
[chomping] - Ah!
547
00:24:20,425 --> 00:24:22,460
- Where's the maternity ward?
548
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:24,429
We know those chicks put out, eh?
549
00:24:24,495 --> 00:24:26,664
- Yeah, I'll catch up with y'all.
550
00:24:28,099 --> 00:24:31,402
[drawer rattles]
551
00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:35,006
- No, not the clippers. That's the nuclear option.
552
00:24:35,073 --> 00:24:36,574
Brother, please.
553
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:38,576
- You ain't my brother, Jiminy.
554
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:43,181
You're a foul-mouthed, bloodsucking ectoparasite,
555
00:24:43,247 --> 00:24:45,383
and your time is up.
556
00:24:45,450 --> 00:24:48,986
[razor buzzing] - No, no!
557
00:24:49,053 --> 00:24:51,622
Aah!
558
00:24:51,689 --> 00:24:54,625
[ominous music]
559
00:24:54,692 --> 00:24:58,663
♪ ♪
560
00:24:58,729 --> 00:25:00,498
[gasps]
561
00:25:00,565 --> 00:25:02,266
- A-one, two, three, four.
562
00:25:02,333 --> 00:25:04,402
♪ I was living the life ♪
563
00:25:04,469 --> 00:25:07,472
♪ As pubic lice ♪
564
00:25:07,538 --> 00:25:10,541
♪ Hopscotching from crotch to crotch ♪
565
00:25:10,608 --> 00:25:13,478
♪ Just making my way ♪
566
00:25:13,544 --> 00:25:16,681
♪ Till one fine day ♪
567
00:25:16,747 --> 00:25:21,586
♪ Woke up in the snatch of a wrinkly, old biatch ♪
568
00:25:21,652 --> 00:25:24,355
♪ Residing in the retirement home ♪
569
00:25:24,422 --> 00:25:27,358
♪ Where the geezers go to bone ♪
570
00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:30,628
♪ I soldiered on from schlong to schlong ♪
571
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,964
♪ Schlong to schlong, schlong to schlong ♪
572
00:25:33,030 --> 00:25:34,999
♪ And when they went ♪
573
00:25:35,066 --> 00:25:39,437
♪ To a 60th-reunion event ♪
574
00:25:39,504 --> 00:25:44,142
♪ Well, lucky me ♪
575
00:25:44,208 --> 00:25:47,245
♪ 'Cause you fucked Goldie ♪
576
00:25:47,311 --> 00:25:50,114
♪ Yeah, I'm back, Jack ♪
577
00:25:50,181 --> 00:25:52,984
♪ New and improved ♪
578
00:25:53,050 --> 00:25:57,121
♪ Back living inside ♪
579
00:25:57,188 --> 00:26:03,594
♪ Your pubes ♪
580
00:26:03,644 --> 00:26:08,194
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