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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:02,990 It would involve some light cleaning, 2 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,850 light ironing and light cooking. 3 00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:07,650 Can you drive? Great. 4 00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:11,490 Light driving. And would you want to live in or do you have a family 5 00:00:11,540 --> 00:00:12,690 of your own? 6 00:00:12,740 --> 00:00:14,970 No, I've got a family of my own. 7 00:00:15,020 --> 00:00:18,770 - Two little boys. I have a photo. - No, it's OK, I believe you. 8 00:00:18,820 --> 00:00:21,570 Sorry, the agency didn't say. What would be your hourly rate? 9 00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:25,730 It's 18 an hour, and in overtime it's 20 an hour. 10 00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:27,610 - Net. - Huh? 11 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,770 Yeah, well, London is expensive. 12 00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:33,370 I'd be travelling in from Pinner, and then I've got to pay for 13 00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:37,210 - childcare, and food... - What, what, what do you do for childcare? 14 00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:39,850 - Well, I've got a nanny, innit? - You've got a nanny? - Yeah. 15 00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:43,370 - Of course. - Sorry, just out of interest, what is her hourly rate? 16 00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:45,050 What do you pay your nanny? 17 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,050 Not a lot, she's Irish. 18 00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:50,090 Oh, right. So, just out of interest again, where, where did you find her? 19 00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:53,020 From an agency called Mothers Help. 20 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,330 Are you writing this down in your phone? 21 00:00:57,380 --> 00:00:58,890 No, no, no, I'm... 22 00:00:58,940 --> 00:01:01,490 I'm just setting a reminder for something I need to do later. 23 00:01:01,540 --> 00:01:03,610 So, what was the name of the agency again? 24 00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:06,460 Mother's Help, it's on Fair Street in Pi... 25 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:10,890 - You are writing this down. - OK, yes, sorry, I am, yes. 26 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:14,130 I'm sorry. Do you know how to get the bips off an iPhone 6S? 27 00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:16,090 that bip noise, the bip, bip... 28 00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:18,930 Oh, you're leaving? Oh, thank you so much for coming. 29 00:01:18,980 --> 00:01:21,770 Actually, I do think Pinner is a bit of a schlep, so I'm afraid it's 30 00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:25,410 - going to be a no from me. - Yeah, no shit. It's a no from me, too! 31 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,450 That said, would you be interested in a nanny share at all? 32 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,300 You don't have to answer now. Just have a thinkety-think. 33 00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:38,050 I've gone into settings, hold on. 34 00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:39,690 Wait. 35 00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:42,810 - Yeah, I've gone into settings. - Control centre. - Right. 36 00:01:42,860 --> 00:01:46,210 - Sounds and haptics. - Haptics? 37 00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:48,410 Is that in settings? I've gone into settings. 38 00:01:48,460 --> 00:01:50,690 Just bloody give it to me! 39 00:01:50,740 --> 00:01:54,010 - Who is that guy? - What? I don't know. 40 00:01:54,060 --> 00:01:55,980 Is that little Sophia on his lap. 41 00:01:57,140 --> 00:01:58,860 Where did he spring from? 42 00:01:59,860 --> 00:02:01,690 Why is he at the big table? 43 00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:04,250 Oh, shit, I missed a call from work! 44 00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:07,410 I'm organising this really big event, a real step up. 45 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:09,930 I'm doing an onstage introduction with Malcolm Spender. 46 00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,780 Who's Malcolm Spender? 47 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:15,420 I just assumed everyone knew who he was. 48 00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:19,300 - The war photographer! - Whatever. 49 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:23,050 Whatever?! What does that mean? 50 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,930 Do you know his work, Liz? 51 00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:26,970 No, but war photographers... 52 00:02:29,820 --> 00:02:32,660 Actually, I just need to talk to Amanda about the, uh... 53 00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:35,820 I just need to tell them about... 54 00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:41,130 Morning, ladies. Just an update... 55 00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:43,930 On the old park fun run. 56 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:47,450 Apparently they were thinking about cancelling the under-12s 2K, 57 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:51,580 but, uh, I think they've changed their minds. 58 00:02:53,180 --> 00:02:54,680 Just, just passing that along. 59 00:02:56,020 --> 00:02:56,850 Hello! 60 00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:02,210 Amanda, are you going to introduce me to your new friend? 61 00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:05,570 Kevin, this is Sophia's dad, James. 62 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:09,210 James is an old friend. God, we go back years, don't we? 63 00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:12,890 We were both front of house at Bibendum back in the day, but he's 64 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:15,290 well past that now. Aren't you? You are. 65 00:03:15,340 --> 00:03:17,650 He runs Bubble Nation, the online network company, 66 00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:20,490 and he's married to the very beautiful Tandy. 67 00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:22,580 He's also a very dear friend of mine. 68 00:03:26,780 --> 00:03:27,990 James, this is Kevin. 69 00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,570 - Hi, Kevin. - Hi, James. 70 00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:34,650 I was just telling everyone about the under-12s 2K almost getting 71 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,020 cancelled, but anyway, you probably heard. 72 00:03:39,140 --> 00:03:42,650 Nice to have another stay-at-home dad on the street. 73 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,330 - SAD. - Huh? - Stay-Athome Dad. 74 00:03:45,380 --> 00:03:47,730 - SAD. - SA-SAD! 75 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:51,490 Yes, I never, I never thought of that. 76 00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:54,380 But I'm more of an out-and-about dad. 77 00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:58,940 OAAD. 78 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,210 That's two things we've got in common, then. 79 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:07,140 - Oh, yes, what's that? - Both sad and married to hotties. 80 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:11,800 Both bagged ourselves a couple of hot wives, by the sound of it. 81 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:16,730 Anyway, see you all at little Samantha's party tomorrow. 82 00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:19,730 - We'll all be there. - Yeah, we'll be there too, Kevin. 83 00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:24,730 Great. And if you want to chat or to say hi, I'm usually at the... 84 00:04:24,780 --> 00:04:26,570 - Toilet table. - .. that table. 85 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:29,770 - The toilet table. - It's not the toilet table, Amanda. 86 00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:31,610 It's next to the drinks. 87 00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:34,050 - Oh. - If anything, it's the fridge table. 88 00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:16,090 I think it's cruel to call it a pool party, because when people say pool 89 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:18,820 party, you think, "Oh, Jonathan Ross's house." 90 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,410 Who, who does this 91 00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:25,490 - deliberately? - Oh, no, I love a pool party! 92 00:05:25,540 --> 00:05:27,730 Probably because I never went to them as a kid. 93 00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:29,930 I never even got in a paddling pool until I was 15. 94 00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:33,170 - What's Liz doing? - Oh, she's found some guy's wallet. 95 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,220 I think she's trying to get it back to him. 96 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:38,100 - Hi, Liz. - All right? 97 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,900 Why have you come as Hillary Clinton? 98 00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:45,610 Oh! Uh, no, I just wanted to make a good impression on Malcolm, 99 00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:47,450 the war photographer. 100 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,930 So, what's this? What's this? Why are you doing this? 101 00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:52,850 Well, war photographers. They think they're all that, don't they? 102 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:56,170 Think they're all that? War photographers think they're all that? 103 00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:58,130 Liz, he works in disaster zones. 104 00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:00,970 He spends his whole life looking into the abyss. 105 00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:03,210 Give me a break. 106 00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:05,020 I'd hate to look into an abyss. 107 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,810 Did you find your wallet guy? 108 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:10,930 I just called him. He's going to text me when he's done with work and 109 00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:13,610 we're going to meet. He does have a fit voice. 110 00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:15,250 You know what else I like about him? 111 00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,810 He has no loyalty cards at all. 112 00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:21,010 Just got three cards. Gym, Visa, Oyster. 113 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,210 - Got to respect that. - What does he do? - I don't know. 114 00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:26,010 - I'll text him. - Kevin, mate, 115 00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:28,410 you're all right to take mine back to yours after, yeah? 116 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:29,930 - I'll get you back. - Oh, actually, 117 00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:32,770 that would be great because I need tomorrow afternoon off to pick up my 118 00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:35,930 mother-in-law. She had a nasty fall a few weeks ago and I have to take 119 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,690 her for a check-up at the hospital. 120 00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:41,530 - Could you collect my kids after school? - Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I can't do that 121 00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:44,250 tomorrow afternoon, but next time she has a nasty fall, 122 00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:47,050 absolutely. Right, I'd better be going. Bye-bye. Bye, darlings. 123 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:50,410 - Where are you going? - Huh? I've got to pick up some bits and bobs before 124 00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:51,930 the event, some deodorant... 125 00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:54,250 - No, no, you can't go. - Sorry, what's she talking about? 126 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:57,210 You have to supervise at a pool party. 127 00:06:57,260 --> 00:06:59,890 - What are you talking about? - There's one adult per two kids. 128 00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,290 - It's not a drop-off? - No, it's not a drop-off! 129 00:07:02,340 --> 00:07:05,570 Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here, inhaling verruca fumes. 130 00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:07,180 Oh, come on! 131 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:11,220 Jesus. Right. 132 00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:14,250 OK, it's fine. 133 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:17,090 It's fine. I'll just, I'll watch from the viewing platform and 134 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,970 then I'll leg it. It's... it's... 135 00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,570 - fine. - Boys and girls, 136 00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:25,690 hands up if you're here for Samantha's birthday party. 137 00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:27,490 OK, great, great. Mums and dads, 138 00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:31,650 if I can get you all to just start to line up, and just as a reminder for health and safety, 139 00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:36,330 I will need one adult in the water with every two non-swimmers, all right? 140 00:07:36,380 --> 00:07:39,570 - What does she mean in the water? - You'll have to get in the pool. 141 00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:43,930 - What? No, you can do that. - No, it's one adult per two non-swimmers. 142 00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:46,490 I'm one adult, and there's four non-swimmers. 143 00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:49,490 - Five. - Yeah, but does anyone really count? 144 00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:52,050 - Really? - She does. 145 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,420 No, I can't do... 146 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:57,810 Look at me! I can't, I can't... Look at my hair, my jacket! 147 00:07:57,860 --> 00:08:00,050 Maybe don't wear your suit in the pool. 148 00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:02,010 Just try not to get your head in the water. 149 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,930 - I never do. - Anyway, I don't, I don't have a swimsuit, so... 150 00:08:04,980 --> 00:08:07,370 I've got my wife's costume in my bag. 151 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:10,730 The gusset sticker's still attached, so it's hygienic as hell. 152 00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:12,810 Why have you got your wife's swimsuit? 153 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,770 - Just in case, I suppose. - Have you got tampons in there as well? 154 00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:18,890 - What size? - OK, OK. 155 00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:20,810 It's fine. It's fine. 156 00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:24,260 I can dangle my legs in the water or I can stand at the side. 157 00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:32,090 - He's a scaffolder. - What's so funny? 158 00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:35,100 Just the way he said it. "Scaffolder." Dry. 159 00:08:41,820 --> 00:08:43,650 This way, this way! 160 00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:46,340 Excuse me. Mind your ears. 161 00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:49,380 Push through, push through! 162 00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:02,060 - Where should I put my jacket? - Uh, just here, give it to me. 163 00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:08,450 Yeah, look in the bag, sweetheart, look in the bag. 164 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,940 This is cool, this is cool. Get away from there, OK? Don't touch that! 165 00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,570 Hangers! 166 00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:18,460 Did anyone bring a hanger with them? 167 00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:22,090 A wire one will do. 168 00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:23,610 Anyone? 169 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,100 Shit! 170 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,130 Hello, Keith. 171 00:09:30,180 --> 00:09:31,700 - All right? - It's Kevin. 172 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,260 What's the first rule of swimming? 173 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,890 The first rule of swimming is always blow your armbands up at home. 174 00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:41,540 Yeah, I've got this, actually. 175 00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:45,570 I do usually pre-blow, 176 00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:48,690 it's just I ran out of time, wrapping Samantha's present. 177 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:50,140 Oh, yes. 178 00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:55,210 Nice togs, by the way. 179 00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:58,010 Are they the pair that Nick Clegg wore on holiday that time? 180 00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:02,050 - Yeah, they are, actually. - Great casual dresser, Clegg. 181 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,730 Yeah, if I was a woman, I think he'd be my guilty crush. 182 00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:06,850 - Or gay. - What? 183 00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:10,130 Well, if you were gay, he could be your guilty crush, too. 184 00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:12,610 Yeah, Yeah, good one. 185 00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:15,890 - See you out there. - Yeah, see you out there. 186 00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,580 Loser. 187 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:20,780 Excuse me! 188 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,450 Excuse me! Hello! Hello! Anyone there? 189 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,890 Please, could you?... Good. Thank you. 190 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,490 Hello, sorry, do you have long lockers? 191 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:32,970 - What? - Long lockers. 192 00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,730 Lockers that are long lockers, if you have something long that you 193 00:10:35,780 --> 00:10:38,010 need to hang up. Full-length lockers, like a wardrobe. 194 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:41,610 It's just my jacket's getting very crumpled. It's a designer jacket. 195 00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:45,410 Why are you wearing a designer jacket to a swimming pool? 196 00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:47,260 - Do you have long lockers? - No. 197 00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:50,610 OK, thank you. Thank you for your help. 198 00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:52,180 Thank you, good day to you. 199 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:57,530 Sorry, could you... could you just... 200 00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:59,380 could you just...? Thank you. 201 00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:07,100 Manus, just stay right where I can see you, OK? 202 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:11,170 - Have you seen James? - Oh, I think I saw him heading to the men's, yeah. 203 00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:14,170 Oh, we were supposed to meet outside. We go way back. 204 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,090 He's such a wonderful guy. 205 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:18,130 Very good friends with his wife Tandy, actually. 206 00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:21,500 - Yeah, yeah, you said that when we were... - Did he ask where I was? - No. 207 00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:24,020 Yes. 208 00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:28,450 Oh, God, your legs look lovely and smooth, Samantha. 209 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,540 Oh, yeah. 210 00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:34,250 Between you and me, I've had everything from here down 211 00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:37,810 lasered off. Not a wisp. 212 00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:40,660 - God, that's terrific! - You should think about it, hon. 213 00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:49,930 I don't want to miss wallet guy's call. 214 00:11:49,980 --> 00:11:53,650 My plan is to meet outside a pub so when I give him his wallet back, 215 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,890 we can go into the pub, so it looks like I've got a date. 216 00:11:56,940 --> 00:11:59,810 That's not a date. You've got his wallet. That's like a hostage. 217 00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:02,570 If he still wants to meet you after you've given him the wallet back, 218 00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:04,170 then, yeah, that's like a date. 219 00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:06,530 I don't know. I'm really starting to like this guy, Julia. 220 00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:09,410 Oh, God. Have you ever looked directly into the eye of a pool filter? 221 00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:11,330 It's just full of pubes and... 222 00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:13,650 .. skin and plasters. 223 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,450 Look, I've just got to look prepared to go in. 224 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:19,690 I'm just going to sit on the edge and look at the water. 225 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,010 Yeah, that'll definitely work. 226 00:12:22,060 --> 00:12:25,530 Oh, look at you, all dolled up with your big hair. 227 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,180 It's not cos there's a certain new dad on the scene, is it? 228 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,290 What? No, no. I've got a work thing tonight. 229 00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:36,310 - I've got a book launch. - All right, calm down! 230 00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:40,850 You can give him a copy of your CV when he surfaces, Julia. 231 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,660 - Come on, Anne. - Oh, sorry. 232 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,060 No phones in the pool! 233 00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:51,420 Hang on, I'm just going to get this bloke to mind my phone. 234 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,210 - Can you look after my phone for me? - No, absolutely not. 235 00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:03,890 Aw, just for a bit. It's just that I'm waiting for a really important 236 00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:06,540 - call. - No, absolutely not. - Aw, come on, mate. 237 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:10,900 - How about if I give you a tenner? - All right. 238 00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:20,610 Eeewwww! 239 00:13:20,660 --> 00:13:22,900 Ugh! Ugh! 240 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:29,700 No bombing! 241 00:13:34,420 --> 00:13:36,580 Thought you weren't getting in! 242 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,530 Liz! 243 00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:51,530 Please, don't hit Daddy in the face with the dolphin. 244 00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,370 Liz! 245 00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:56,130 Say, "The Coach And Horses." 246 00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:58,570 Say, "They do craft ales." 247 00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:02,460 Do a dot-dot-dot, then, "Could be fun", question mark. 248 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,090 I could hold my breath for that long. 249 00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:14,380 I have done many a time, when I get hiccups. 250 00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:17,360 Which is every time I drink a cider. 251 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,770 Oh! 252 00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,660 Eeewwww! 253 00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:01,860 I don't like this at all. 254 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:04,940 Hello, Anne. 255 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,170 - Where's Darius, then? - Oh, 256 00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:10,970 we decided to keep him off swimming for the time being. 257 00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:13,010 Yeah, he gets dermatosis from the floats. 258 00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:16,140 - What, you've come here on your own? - No, no, he's up there! 259 00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:20,570 Do you know, I lost a ring in this pool late last year. 260 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:24,450 Yeah. I shed a lot of weight a while back because of the IBS, 261 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:28,290 and I must have lost 1lb off my hands and wrists alone, 262 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:31,370 which meant that my grandmother's ring just slipped off and 263 00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:33,530 got sucked into a filter. 264 00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:37,170 They actually named me after her, but, erm, she died 265 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,050 when I was about five days old. 266 00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:42,420 So the only thing I have left of her now are these earrings which... 267 00:15:45,420 --> 00:15:48,380 I don't want to make your day worse, but your tit's hanging out. 268 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,140 Excuse me one minute. 269 00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:02,290 - Ah! - What the hell is going on? 270 00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:05,810 What are you doing? You gave me the fright of my life! 271 00:16:05,860 --> 00:16:08,010 Did you follow me into a swimming pool?! 272 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:10,530 I'm not going to follow you, mother! I'm not psychotic! 273 00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:13,210 You said you were busy all week. This isn't busy, this is swimming. 274 00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:15,730 - It's exercise. - No, it's not, you're barely moving! 275 00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:21,210 It isn't my fault that you haven't organised your childcare. 276 00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,570 You've got some cheek, 277 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:25,370 swimming up to me and saying that. 278 00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:27,450 I haven't had time, mother, 279 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,500 because I have been busy looking after your grandchildren. 280 00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:35,650 What's important now is that you're here, 281 00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:38,170 so if you wouldn't mind taking over, then I can go and get... 282 00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:41,250 - I'm not taking over, I'm exercising! - Don't you swim away from me, mother! 283 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,370 Come back here! 284 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,820 Don't you swim away from me! 285 00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:54,050 Hey, Kevin! Kevin! Do you want to join in the human wave machine? 286 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,130 I wrangled some of the bigger mums. 287 00:16:56,180 --> 00:16:57,740 Don't do it, Kevin. 288 00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:01,020 Yeah! Fine! 289 00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:03,740 Whatever! 290 00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,610 He's such a great guy. 291 00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:11,490 Kevin? 292 00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:14,010 Don't be ridiculous. James. 293 00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:16,410 I'm his "the one that got away." 294 00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:18,090 Crazy, I know. 295 00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:20,610 Please don't tell anyone that. I turned him down years ago, 296 00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,290 broke his heart a bit, 297 00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:24,500 and then he got with his wife Tandy. 298 00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:28,620 But I think he still has a bit of a thing for me. 299 00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:38,210 Right, so, everybody, listen up. 300 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:41,250 On the count of three. You ready? One... 301 00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,610 Two... Three! 302 00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:46,410 Pull! Pull! 303 00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:48,450 Pull! 304 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:53,490 Pull! Pull! Pull! 305 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:58,650 Pull! Pull! Pull! 306 00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,090 Pull! 307 00:18:01,140 --> 00:18:02,700 Kevin? 308 00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:16,250 I've got you, man, don't worry. 309 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:20,330 It's all right. I've got you, there you go. There you go. 310 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:23,820 - It's all right. You all right, bud? - Yes, I'm all right, bud! 311 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:28,580 - My God! Breathe, breathe! - I didn't need to be saved! 312 00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:32,460 I was out there enjoying the thrill of the current. 313 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:36,730 I don't jump in the pool every time, every time you go for a swim. 314 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:39,830 It's OK, we've got you. 315 00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,020 OK, That's it, up you get. 316 00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:56,380 Oh, oh! Oh! 317 00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:29,050 I'm just worried that sounded a bit eager. 318 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,170 When did he last text? 319 00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:33,850 - 4:15. - And when did I text? 320 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,410 - 4:16. - Liz! - Did he ring? 321 00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:38,530 Did my phone just...? 322 00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:43,180 Oh. It's all gone a bit quiet. I'm sure it's fine. What's up? 323 00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:47,940 - Uh, I did a bit of a silly thing. - What? - I, uh... 324 00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:52,180 I threw James's trousers out of the window. 325 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,290 - Oh. That's normal. - It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. 326 00:19:57,340 --> 00:20:01,570 I didn't think. It was red mist or the heat of the changing room or... 327 00:20:01,620 --> 00:20:03,170 He just, I don't know, he just 328 00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:06,970 wound me up, and I mean, I immediately regretted it. 329 00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:09,970 - Well, just put them back! - Well, I tried, but... 330 00:20:10,020 --> 00:20:13,250 I looked outside, but I couldn't see them. 331 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,370 He'll just think someone nicked them. You know, things get stolen. 332 00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:19,210 I used to get new trainers from changing rooms all the time when I 333 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,810 - was a kid. - Hey, Kev. Hi. 334 00:20:21,860 --> 00:20:24,170 I saw this at the bottom of the pool. Dived down and got it. 335 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:25,740 I think it might be yours. 336 00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:29,340 - Thanks. - No worries. 337 00:20:32,660 --> 00:20:34,220 Did my phone just ring? 338 00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:45,550 The hero! 339 00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,890 Hello. 340 00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:49,330 I think he was a bit upset. 341 00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:52,300 He said my watch strap scratched his neck or something. 342 00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:57,130 - It's so great reconnecting with you. - Yeah. 343 00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:59,810 After all these years! 344 00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:03,490 - And you and Tandy, still together. - Mmm. 345 00:21:03,540 --> 00:21:06,450 In a way, I feel like I should take credit for it. 346 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,980 - What? How? - Because... 347 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:12,770 Cos, of course, we had our little thing, 348 00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:15,010 - when you asked me out and I said no. - What? 349 00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:18,090 But just think, if I hadn't had turned you down, 350 00:21:18,140 --> 00:21:20,610 you wouldn't have rebounded with Tandy. 351 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:24,650 I think it was, like, literally the next day! 352 00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:27,610 - What?! - You asked her out the next day, after I turned you down. 353 00:21:27,660 --> 00:21:30,130 You didn't turn me down. 354 00:21:30,180 --> 00:21:32,100 - Yes, I did. - I didn't ask you out. 355 00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:35,780 - You did. - What?! 356 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:41,970 Oh, shit! Yeah! 357 00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:44,970 - I did ask you out. - You did. 358 00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:47,360 Yeah, I'd completely forgotten that. 359 00:21:59,780 --> 00:22:02,170 Everyone wearing a green wristband, 360 00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:05,090 please make your way out of the pool. 361 00:22:06,140 --> 00:22:06,900 Did he ring? 362 00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:08,080 Did my phone just...? 363 00:22:12,460 --> 00:22:13,820 Give it to me! 364 00:22:15,380 --> 00:22:17,540 - Hello. - All right, come on, then. 365 00:22:18,780 --> 00:22:22,730 OK, let's get that off. No, no, no, no, not the coat, not the coat! 366 00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:25,010 Not the coat! Not the coat, oh, God! 367 00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:27,610 OK. OK! 368 00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:31,050 He called, Kevin! Wallet man called, and I have to go now! 369 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:35,050 - OK, have fun. - No, now, Kevin! I have to go now! You have to take my kids! 370 00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:38,570 - I'm already taking Julia's kids. - You have to take my kids, Kevin, please! 371 00:22:38,620 --> 00:22:40,690 Please, Kevin, take my fucking kids! 372 00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:42,820 Fine! 373 00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:14,730 Hey, Kev, mate. 374 00:23:14,780 --> 00:23:16,810 Sorry about the wave machine thing. 375 00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:18,540 I shouldn't have made you do it. 376 00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:21,340 Sorry I shouted at you. 377 00:23:22,420 --> 00:23:25,410 And thanks for getting me out. 378 00:23:25,460 --> 00:23:28,250 - It's all right. - It's just usually I'm the first aider, you know, 379 00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:31,890 because I'm fully qualified with St John's Ambulance. 380 00:23:31,940 --> 00:23:34,810 - But sorry. - Seriously, it's fine. 381 00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:37,450 I get a bit overexcited sometimes, 382 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,580 just getting to spend time with my kids. 383 00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:44,850 Until this week, they barely noticed if I was home, you know? 384 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:46,530 They don't rely on me because 385 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:48,580 they're so used to not having me around. 386 00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:51,380 Well, that's... 387 00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:54,380 I'm, I'm sorry to hear that. 388 00:23:56,180 --> 00:23:58,970 But it can be lonely being a full-time dad, too, though, you 389 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:02,290 - know. - Yeah, but you've got to think about all the good things about it. 390 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:04,250 Your kids adore you. 391 00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:08,130 I can see that. I'd kill to have that kind of bond. 392 00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:11,650 You're probably the first parent they call for in the night when 393 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,380 - they've had a bad dream. - Always. 394 00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:19,570 But I knew it. 395 00:24:19,620 --> 00:24:21,660 You're... 396 00:24:24,220 --> 00:24:26,450 Wait a second. 397 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,020 Wait a minute. It's... 398 00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:32,130 - Where's my trousers? - Mmm? - My trousers... 399 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:34,530 My... my trousers aren't here. 400 00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:38,010 - Trousers? - Definitely not here. - Trousers, trousers... 401 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:41,210 - What, what did they look like? - Trousers, they look like trousers! 402 00:24:41,260 --> 00:24:45,130 Here, er, take mine. We're almost the same height. 403 00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:47,730 - What? - Honestly, take them. - Well, what are you going to wear? 404 00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:50,770 - Honestly, I'll wear the towel home. - Why? - Come on, you'd do the same 405 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:52,850 - for me. - No, I wouldn't. - Take my trousers, James. 406 00:24:52,900 --> 00:24:55,420 - No! - Take my bloody trousers, James! 407 00:25:11,900 --> 00:25:14,050 - Liz. - Russell. 408 00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:18,290 It's Mitch. My surname's Mitchum, so Mitch. 409 00:25:18,340 --> 00:25:20,980 Well, here's your wallet, Mitch Mitchum. 410 00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:24,770 It's got your three cards and your £10. 411 00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:26,730 Count it, it's all there. 412 00:25:26,780 --> 00:25:30,580 And I sorted your receipts and did your tax returns. 413 00:25:32,460 --> 00:25:34,020 Not really. No, I haven't. 414 00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:38,010 Do you have to wear that for... 415 00:25:38,060 --> 00:25:39,820 - scaffolding? - No, erm... 416 00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:43,610 - I rode over here. - Oh, what, you've got a motorbike? 417 00:25:43,660 --> 00:25:45,970 Yeah. You want to see it? 418 00:25:46,020 --> 00:25:48,690 What, you don't want to go in for a drink, or...? 419 00:25:48,740 --> 00:25:50,380 No, no, let's see the bike. 420 00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:00,650 Shall I rev it up? 421 00:26:02,740 --> 00:26:05,220 Oh, yeah! Yeah, very good. 422 00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:14,580 Very good. 423 00:26:18,140 --> 00:26:20,500 Do you want to... Do you want to go in for a drink? 424 00:26:32,380 --> 00:26:34,300 Oh, for fuck's sake! 425 00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:42,380 Can I have... Can I have a bit of hush, please? 426 00:26:44,380 --> 00:26:48,180 It is a huge honour tonight that we have in our midst... 427 00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:51,890 one of my... 428 00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:53,620 personal heroes. 429 00:26:54,940 --> 00:26:58,210 Ladies and gentlemen, can I introduce to you... 430 00:26:58,260 --> 00:26:59,850 Malcolm Spender. 431 00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:05,970 Thank you, Julia. 432 00:27:06,020 --> 00:27:09,570 The cover of my book is a photo of our hotel 433 00:27:09,620 --> 00:27:11,610 just after it was destroyed. 434 00:27:11,660 --> 00:27:14,610 The surrounding area was completely devastated. 435 00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:17,010 People wandering blindly, 436 00:27:17,060 --> 00:27:20,060 human beings at their most miserable and vulnerable. 437 00:27:21,460 --> 00:27:24,930 I can't begin to describe the squalor and degradation we witnessed 438 00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:27,170 over the next few hours. 439 00:27:27,220 --> 00:27:30,490 It was the closest thing I'd ever seen to hell on earth. 440 00:27:30,540 --> 00:27:32,140 Oh, give me a break! 35352

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