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1
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,130
It's so lovely to finally meet you.
2
00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:05,890
Yeah, great, likewise.
3
00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:08,550
God, doesn't the smell of school
4
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,340
make you want to kill yourself?
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:15,570
- Where's Marion tonight?
- Your guess is as good as mine.
6
00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:18,490
Apparently my mother no longer
has any interest in maintaining
7
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:21,730
the welfare of my children. Look...
I can't... I can't be here long,
8
00:00:21,780 --> 00:00:24,490
I've got a massive thing to prep for work,
9
00:00:24,540 --> 00:00:26,890
so if you could just sort
of stick to the headlines.
10
00:00:26,940 --> 00:00:28,610
Just the lowdown.
11
00:00:28,660 --> 00:00:30,170
Like, a sneak peek, I suppose.
12
00:00:30,220 --> 00:00:33,320
Basically, what would the trailer
be for this parents' evening?
13
00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:37,370
I'm not sure, if you don't mind me saying,
14
00:00:37,420 --> 00:00:39,930
I don't really understand
your parenting style.
15
00:00:39,980 --> 00:00:42,170
Because you're never here,
and when you are, you're late,
16
00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:44,570
and you barely get involved in
any of the school activities so...
17
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:46,490
OK, OK. I think I know what this is about.
18
00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:49,050
Is this because I forgot to buy
you a bottle of wine at Christmas?
19
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:50,570
- No, it's because...
- If it is,
20
00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:52,850
I really don't think that's
very fair, because I didn't know
21
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,890
about the present-giving
culture at this school.
22
00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:56,170
- It's not.
- What do you want me to do?
23
00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:58,810
Do you want me to bring
you an apple every day?
24
00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:01,290
Do you want me to tip you at
Christmas, like the binmen?
25
00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:04,570
- Pardon? - Oh, God, it's
like a bloody racket here.
26
00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:07,370
What is this?! Can you
all just back off a bit?
27
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,340
It's not the Antiques Roadshow.
28
00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:12,180
Jesus!
29
00:01:20,420 --> 00:01:21,890
Anne's doing the drinks?
30
00:01:21,940 --> 00:01:23,370
Oh, for God's sake.
31
00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:24,890
Anne's measures are too small.
32
00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:26,250
It's not Glastonbury, Liz.
33
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,570
Exactly! It's a bloody school fundraiser.
34
00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:31,250
We need alcohol, Kevin, proper measures.
35
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,770
You were the one who said Anne
should do the drinks last time.
36
00:01:33,820 --> 00:01:36,810
I was going by her being
Irish, it's before I knew her.
37
00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:39,450
Am I going insane?
38
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,650
That looks like Caroline Lacy.
39
00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:45,570
Caroline, yeah, Rueben's mum.
Just come back from Thailand.
40
00:01:45,620 --> 00:01:48,290
Thailand for a family
holiday -- dear, oh, dear.
41
00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:51,450
Caroline Lacy goes to our school?
42
00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:53,370
- Hi, babe.
- Do you know her?
43
00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:55,810
Do I know her?! How do you NOT know her?
44
00:01:55,860 --> 00:01:58,250
I do know her -- we're talking
about her because we know her,
45
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,890
- and you don't.
- Excuse me, Liz, I know her,
46
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,690
we started with the same company together.
47
00:02:02,740 --> 00:02:04,610
We were quite close at one point.
48
00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:06,330
Until she won every bloody award going.
49
00:02:06,380 --> 00:02:08,210
Follow me, kids. Caroline!
50
00:02:08,260 --> 00:02:10,850
Hello! Hi.
51
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:13,930
Hello, you! I didn't know
you went to this school.
52
00:02:13,980 --> 00:02:16,490
Yeah! Yeah, I do. These are mine.
53
00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:18,730
What? I thought they were Marion's?
54
00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:21,330
No, no, that's my mother.
55
00:02:21,380 --> 00:02:24,090
- Oh! Love Marion.
- Who doesn't?
56
00:02:24,140 --> 00:02:26,810
Oh! Here we go. See you around.
57
00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:28,700
Yes, see you around!
58
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:31,530
She remembered me!
59
00:02:31,580 --> 00:02:34,570
- Didn't say your name.
- What?
60
00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,370
Didn't she? I'm sure she did.
61
00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:38,460
No. Unless your name is "Around".
62
00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,250
Is this You've Been Framed?
63
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:53,810
No, no, that was my wedding.
64
00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:55,460
That's my dad.
65
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,930
- Oh, God! That cake looks nice. - Mm!
66
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:03,010
I might go and get some cake, unless
you want to share that with me?
67
00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:04,930
No, I want to eat all of it on my own.
68
00:03:04,980 --> 00:03:06,450
Pig!
69
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:10,050
I think that's the meeting
for the fundraiser.
70
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,450
Shouldn't we be over there?
71
00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,610
I'm doing drinks, you're
doing the cloakroom.
72
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,410
Why do we need to go to a meeting?
73
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:17,130
And don't complicate it, Kevin.
74
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:19,050
They hate it when you complicate things.
75
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:20,730
Why would you want to get involved?
76
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:23,530
- Well, you have to do your bit.
- Do you, though, do you really?
77
00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:25,770
- Yeah, you do.
- Do you, though?
78
00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:28,180
- Yes. - I'm just
going to go over and...
79
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:30,580
I'll just go over.
80
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,410
Do you, though?
81
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:36,890
Fundraiser!
82
00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:40,010
- Kevin!
- I'm so sorry.
83
00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:42,210
- You frightened Anne.
- I'm all right.
84
00:03:42,260 --> 00:03:43,970
- I'm so sorry, Anne.
- I'm fine now.
85
00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:46,450
I'm just saying, you know...
86
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,290
Here we go.
87
00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:49,580
Let's do it.
88
00:03:50,660 --> 00:03:53,850
Let's do it for all the kids who
need this kind of specialised
89
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,410
- equipment in the music room.
- You're doing the cloakroom, right?
90
00:03:57,460 --> 00:03:58,490
- Yes.
- Great.
91
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:01,660
- See you tomorrow.
- Yes, yes. See you tomorrow.
92
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,410
Oh, dear. What happened?
93
00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:07,210
I don't...
94
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:08,540
.. really know.
95
00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:17,610
- What's going on there?
- Charlie and Manus are best friends
96
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:20,850
since Manus got a drone. So me and
Cersei Lannister are being civil
97
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:22,980
- for the children.
- Manus!
98
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:31,490
That's weird.
99
00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:33,580
- What?
- Well, it's just whenever, um...
100
00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:38,410
No. Forget it. I'm being paranoid.
101
00:04:38,460 --> 00:04:41,770
- Go on, what is it? Tell
me. Maybe I can... - Well...
102
00:04:41,820 --> 00:04:44,370
Caroline!
103
00:04:44,420 --> 00:04:45,850
Hello! Again.
104
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,730
Hi. Not working today?
105
00:04:47,780 --> 00:04:50,210
Not today, Spoken Orchid are
pretty good with flexitime.
106
00:04:50,260 --> 00:04:52,170
Don't work Fridays, do
half day Wednesdays.
107
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:54,570
Essentially means I've
got a three-day week.
108
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:57,370
Oh, that's sick! That's brilliant.
109
00:04:57,420 --> 00:04:59,610
Yeah, it stops me running
around like a mental patient.
110
00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:01,290
God, yeah, I imagine it does.
111
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:02,890
Have you heard about this fundraiser?
112
00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:04,170
Oh, God.
113
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,490
No way...
114
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:08,250
- I'm organising it.
- .. would I miss that,
115
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,130
because I think we have to do our bit.
116
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:13,930
As parents, we have to do our bit.
117
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,930
- Got to. - Anything I
can do, just say the word.
118
00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:18,490
We're having a planning meeting,
if you'd like to come to that.
119
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:20,370
You bet I would! Any time.
120
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,090
Over there.
121
00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,730
Oh, it's happening now.
122
00:05:23,780 --> 00:05:26,140
Er, OK, yeah. I'll just
get my bits and bobs.
123
00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:31,740
She still hasn't said your name.
124
00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:38,010
Should... should Kevin come?
125
00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:40,020
Er...
126
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,810
I'd like to take this opportunity
to be a little bit creative,
127
00:05:46,860 --> 00:05:50,770
and think a little bit
outside the box, as it were.
128
00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:54,970
Last year I was Nibbles
King, do you remember?
129
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:58,930
I had all the bags of crisps
and nuts pinned to me.
130
00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:00,620
That was fun, wasn't it?
131
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:05,010
But I thought this year,
I'd go one better --
132
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,820
human cloakroom.
133
00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:09,890
So everyone puts their coats on me,
134
00:06:09,940 --> 00:06:13,050
instead of hanging them
up in the cloakroom.
135
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:15,610
I wear everyone's coats!
136
00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:19,370
What a sight! And then when
everyone's ready to go,
137
00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:21,660
the cloakroom comes to them.
138
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:25,810
Let's say we charge £1 a coat.
139
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:28,410
Why don't we just charge
£1 a coat in the cloakroom?
140
00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:29,900
Why?!
141
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:32,610
My God, Amanda.
142
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,770
Why are there rainbows?
143
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:36,570
Why is there Ant and Dec?
144
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:37,930
Because it's fun.
145
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:41,930
It's fun, goodness! Well,
I'm going to do it anyway,
146
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:44,650
so set up a normal cloakroom if you want.
147
00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:46,890
But it's going to have stiff competition
148
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,410
from the human cloakroom.
149
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:51,780
Let the battle of the cloakrooms commence!
150
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:56,170
Caroline, I just noticed
there's no tombola,
151
00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:57,850
and I usually do the tombola.
152
00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,730
Well, I just thought it didn't feel
like a tombola sets the right tone,
153
00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:03,290
- if that makes sense?
- Sure. Of course.
154
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:06,010
I mean, sorry, Amanda,
I'm not blocking you.
155
00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:08,930
I just think we should be a bit
more ambitious for this one.
156
00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:12,410
This fundraiser is close
to my heart, as you know,
157
00:07:12,460 --> 00:07:15,300
with Rueben, and what the
music room means to him.
158
00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:20,490
- Rueben's mythraxic.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
159
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,250
Oh, no, it means he's musically gifted.
160
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:25,130
- Oh, how lovely. - Well, I'm more
than happy to melt into the background,
161
00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:27,450
Caroline. I don't know, maybe
162
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,810
this year I could just... host it.
163
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,690
Is Liz really doing the drinks?
164
00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:35,410
Because her measures are
demented. I mean, do you remember
165
00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:36,970
the last time she did them?
166
00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,850
No. I don't think anyone does.
167
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:41,930
Ladies, ladies. Is everyone
listening? Everyone?
168
00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:44,930
We're talking about prizes now.
169
00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:48,770
I really want to make sure we don't
get the same old cake sale crap
170
00:07:48,820 --> 00:07:52,170
this year. Can't we just
do something a bit fresher?
171
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,010
Ooh! Ooh! Why don't we make it
172
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:56,450
so that everyone gets a chance to host?
173
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:57,890
That would be fun, wouldn't it?
174
00:07:57,940 --> 00:08:00,250
- We could all...
- We're doing prizes now, Kevin.
175
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:02,620
Anyone have any ideas? About prizes?
176
00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:10,660
Just off the top of my
head, we could do a, uh...
177
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:13,650
.. auction of promises.
178
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:18,290
Like, you get a gardener to promise
to trim your hedge, or something.
179
00:08:18,340 --> 00:08:21,810
- OK. - They do it a
lot at Hollywood events.
180
00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:23,610
Yeah, I love that.
181
00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:26,650
Like Richard Gere promises
to go on his yacht.
182
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,970
Ricky Martin does...
183
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:31,770
.. something. Uma Thurman
auctioned a kiss at Cannes,
184
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:34,410
and she made 200,000 or something mad.
185
00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,490
I love it. We're doing that.
186
00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:40,210
I agree. Let's do it.
187
00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:42,900
- I agree.
- Agreed!
188
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,010
There she is!
189
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,620
My saviour!
190
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:51,770
Auction of promises -- brilliant.
191
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:54,940
Oh, please! It's great to
be able to contribute to...
192
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:57,890
- .. this cause.
- Listen.
193
00:08:57,940 --> 00:09:00,850
Between ourselves, Spoken Orchid are
looking for people at the moment.
194
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:03,290
Just in case you want to
pass along your resume.
195
00:09:03,340 --> 00:09:07,330
Great, I didn't even know that
you were looking for people.
196
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,090
You're coming tonight, right?
197
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,420
Am I? I mean, I can.
198
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,370
I mean, I definitely am.
199
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:17,730
I love to do events at the school.
200
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,610
I love being at school, out of hours.
201
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:22,970
What do you think of this?
We thought it would be fun
202
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:26,210
to do a thermometer that showed
how much money was coming in.
203
00:09:26,260 --> 00:09:28,900
- That is such fun.
- Would you mind knocking one up?
204
00:09:30,180 --> 00:09:33,450
Love to. No problem. I've got
plenty of time for crafts.
205
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:36,410
- You need to be able to see it from
the back of the hall. - OK! - OK.
206
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:37,980
Bye.
207
00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:40,770
Still didn't say your name.
208
00:09:40,820 --> 00:09:42,330
Perfect chance there, and all.
209
00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:44,450
Liz, she as good as offered me a job.
210
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:47,860
She just wants to see your CV
so she can find out your name.
211
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:50,970
Hey, hey.
212
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,650
- On the roof.
- Ugh, I'm an idiot.
213
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:54,930
I won't argue with that! Joking!
214
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:56,540
It happens to the best of us.
215
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,060
- Did you see that?
- Huh?
216
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:15,250
Caroline Lacy, yeah.
She's with Spoken Orchid.
217
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:18,330
Spoken Orchid. I mean, this could
be so useful for us, Paul --
218
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:19,890
I mean, me especially.
219
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:23,570
I mean, the flexitime
alone could change my life.
220
00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:25,610
I mean, if you could just
have them for an hour or so,
221
00:10:25,660 --> 00:10:28,730
- that would be great. What do you think?
- Julia, I can't.
222
00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:31,890
I think this thing's going to go
on for another couple of hours.
223
00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:33,410
Sorry, what is it again?
224
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:37,010
It's just some team-building
bollocks, it never ends.
225
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:38,610
Baby, I'd better go.
226
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:41,610
Good luck with the baby-sitter
-- whatever you want to do,
227
00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:43,060
I'm right behind you.
228
00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:53,970
- Will you be long?
- Not at all.
229
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,530
It will be like I've barely left.
230
00:10:55,580 --> 00:10:58,450
Help yourself to beers,
the kids are asleep, so...
231
00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:00,450
I'm not much of a night owl.
232
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:03,260
Oh, dear. What will keep you awake?
233
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:07,370
Sherry? Literally, help
yourself to anything.
234
00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:09,010
I can't be up late.
235
00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,930
And you won't be, Barbara.
236
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,850
You know, if you're feeling tired,
feel free to have a lie-down.
237
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:16,450
Oh, don't look so worried.
238
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,340
My mother is dead old,
she did this for years.
239
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,770
Do you like MasterChef?
240
00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:24,700
Let's get a bit of MasterChef on.
241
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,380
There you go. Egg Wallace. Have fun.
242
00:11:35,380 --> 00:11:37,020
Fantastic.
243
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:43,860
Actually, if you could help me
pop that on, maybe. Brilliant.
244
00:11:47,420 --> 00:11:49,220
Tickets, tickets?
245
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:53,210
I'll remember, it's fine. I'll remember.
246
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:56,020
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- It's fun, isn't it?
247
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,250
You all right? You look
very uncomfortable.
248
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,290
Oh, no, having a great time.
249
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,730
It's fun, isn't it? Isn't it fun?
250
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:19,610
Everyone's responding really well to it.
251
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:21,050
You look like you're melting.
252
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,460
- Do you want some water?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
253
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,690
I can't bend my arm.
254
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:33,410
Someone's phone's ringing.
255
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,060
- Don't touch anything, Anne.
- I was just looking.
256
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:38,730
Oh, hey, go easy there now.
257
00:12:38,780 --> 00:12:40,130
Your measures are very large.
258
00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:41,810
They're not, they're normal.
259
00:12:41,860 --> 00:12:43,610
Normal for a school fundraiser.
260
00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:45,850
Yeah, well, just don't get
high off your own supply
261
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,210
and start acting the giddy goat.
262
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:51,450
- Oh, shush. - Last time you did
the drinks, I woke up in the park.
263
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,100
My husband was furious.
264
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,610
What is that anyway?
265
00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:58,250
- I don't know. Sangria?
- What is sangria? Red wine?
266
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:01,490
Anything. Sangria's red wine and anything.
267
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:04,700
In Spanish, sangria means "any old shit".
268
00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:08,370
Can I have some alcohol,
please? I don't care what.
269
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,930
- I've got just the thing.
- Look, I'm manning the thermometer now.
270
00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:12,730
I made it, and I'm working it all night.
271
00:13:12,780 --> 00:13:14,370
It's like building your own gallows.
272
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:16,090
I want to be able to get straight home.
273
00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:19,340
I've got this sleepy-looking old
woman looking after the kids.
274
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:24,900
God, I wish he hadn't
put my coat on first.
275
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:37,370
Uh-oh! The drinks are out already.
276
00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:39,980
I'd better get a move on
before you're all legless!
277
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,890
OK. Now.
278
00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:45,100
Can I get a "hey, girl"?
279
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:49,700
Hey, girl. No? OK...
280
00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:53,290
OK, welcome, everybody.
281
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:55,260
Are we going to have fun?
282
00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:59,090
OK, well, the answer to that
question is, you bet we are.
283
00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:03,650
Now. We're going to do things a
little bit differently this year.
284
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:08,140
We're doing an auction of promises.
285
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,290
Oooh!
286
00:14:12,340 --> 00:14:15,890
Yeah, just pop your promise on a
piece of paper, anything you like,
287
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:17,490
and stick it in the box.
288
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:19,490
As you know, it's for a good cause.
289
00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:22,450
We've been trying to get a
Yamaha keyboard for the music room
290
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,610
for a few years.
291
00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:26,810
Now...
292
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:29,690
I can see there's only two
promises in here so far
293
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:33,060
so, come on, everybody,
let's get those promises in!
294
00:14:34,180 --> 00:14:35,420
OK. Thank you.
295
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,570
Have you noticed how
Amanda hoses herself down
296
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:41,450
- every time she interacts with
me and my kids? - Does she?
297
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:44,370
I thought I was imagining
it at first, but, yeah.
298
00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:46,370
What are you eating?
Are those onion rings?
299
00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:48,860
- Where did you find those?
- Found them in the back.
300
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:51,970
Oh, from 2002.
301
00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:53,650
They're 15 years old?!
302
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,250
It's fine. They are 90% E numbers.
303
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,410
These crisps will outlive us.
304
00:14:57,460 --> 00:15:00,730
Go on, then. God, no wonder
Amanda thinks you're Dirty Jezzy.
305
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:02,140
A dirty jezzy?
306
00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:05,210
Oh, my dad used to say it.
307
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,850
Short for Jezebel. We were watching
Top Of The Pops and he'd say,
308
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:09,610
"Look at those dirty jezzies."
309
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,570
Exactly, she thinks I'm a dirty jezzy.
310
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,220
Oh, don't let it get to you.
311
00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:17,490
Look, if she was a REAL friend,
then it might mean something but...
312
00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:18,980
Coming, Caroline.
313
00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:42,450
Would you like a drink, Amanda?
314
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:43,970
I never drink when I'm performing.
315
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:45,450
- Here you go.
- Great.
316
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,400
Do you want to... You can just
pop them in the box yourself.
317
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,530
No, you only have to do one.
318
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:55,620
- Oh, no. I'm doing Kevin
and Julia's for them. - OK.
319
00:15:56,780 --> 00:15:59,610
Don't worry. I barely touched them.
320
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:00,700
Sorry?
321
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,860
- Did you think I was funny?
- Yeah, funny!
322
00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:16,130
OK, everybody, I think
that's everyone now.
323
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,050
Let's get this show on the road!
324
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:20,860
Yay, thanks, Caroline!
325
00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:26,850
OK, and our first one is...
326
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,690
Keith Carter.
327
00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,290
Where's Keith? There he is.
328
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:34,290
Hello, Keith. And Keith says he'll do a...
329
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:35,970
.. portrait of your pet.
330
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:37,620
That sounds rather lovely.
331
00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:41,410
Um, shall we start the bidding at £10?
332
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:44,890
Anyone? £10.
333
00:16:44,940 --> 00:16:48,820
Keith, if someone doesn't have a
pet, would you do a family member?
334
00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:51,330
Um, I can't do hands.
335
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:52,370
OK.
336
00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:54,530
- £10.
- And we're off.
337
00:16:58,020 --> 00:16:59,490
There you are.
338
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,610
I've had three people asking for you --
339
00:17:01,660 --> 00:17:04,090
could you please just hang
everything up in the cloakroom.
340
00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:06,290
Caroline, are you kidding?!
341
00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:10,450
I've had a brilliant response
to the human cloakroom from...
342
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,340
.. Keith and...
343
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,210
Keith just loved it.
344
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:17,770
Now, if you'll excuse me.
345
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:20,140
I need some water.
346
00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:27,860
Fantastic, Samantha! There
you go. Congratulations!
347
00:17:31,380 --> 00:17:34,130
Free haircuts for a week.
I wish I'd bid on that one.
348
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:35,810
Free haircuts for a week?
349
00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:37,420
Isn't that just one haircut?
350
00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:45,650
Ah, this next one is... very exciting.
351
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,130
Kevin Brady.
352
00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:48,220
Where's Kevin?
353
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,540
Kevin.
354
00:17:52,060 --> 00:17:55,010
Um, Kevin has offered a couple's massage.
355
00:17:55,060 --> 00:17:59,810
Would anyone like a couples
massage from Kevin Brady?
356
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:02,330
I didn't put that in.
357
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:06,010
I'll do it if you want, but
I haven't got any training.
358
00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:08,890
I put it in. I put a few in.
359
00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:11,650
Kevin, I presume that you'll
come to someone's house,
360
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,620
or do they have to come to you?
361
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:18,170
OK. Well, we can work that out later.
362
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:19,820
Shall we start the bidding at...
363
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:23,170
..£25?
364
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:25,010
Anyone?
365
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,810
£25?
366
00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:30,290
Come on, who's up for a
lovely couple's massage?
367
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,170
With Kevin.
368
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,330
Give me a drink.
369
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,050
No-one's bidding on this shit.
370
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:38,410
No offence, Kevin, but come on.
371
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:40,460
Well, I didn't write it, Liz did.
372
00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:45,370
You've been very generous so far.
373
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:48,530
Christ, Anne! What is in that?!
374
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:51,250
- Liz made it. - We can do this.
I'm watching this thermometer.
375
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,330
If someone bids on this,
you have to do it, Liz.
376
00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:56,610
I'm not giving a couple a massage.
377
00:18:56,660 --> 00:19:00,210
OK, well, no bids on that one yet.
378
00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:02,050
Maybe we'll come back for it later.
379
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,970
But thank you anyway, Kevin.
380
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,460
Ladies and gentlemen.
381
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:12,530
I still haven't done my one yet.
382
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:14,700
Um... Hmm...
383
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:17,500
I know.
384
00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:20,500
OK.
385
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,380
Just a little surprise for later.
386
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:33,690
You saw me after I had the sports jacket?
387
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:38,010
I think I had the blue
anorak on when I saw you.
388
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,610
That's here. How could
I have got to this one,
389
00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:42,580
and not got to your one?
390
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:46,650
Oh, wait. I had to take them all off
391
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:48,890
when I went to the toilet.
392
00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:52,460
Someone's... phone's ringing.
393
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,170
So that's £45 for a meal
for two at Alfresco's,
394
00:19:58,220 --> 00:20:00,290
courtesy of Giuseppe and Lorna!
395
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:03,730
Thanks, L and G, and
congratulations, Nicky.
396
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,620
Enjoy those dough balls.
397
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,540
Uh-oh!
398
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:11,610
This is my one.
399
00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:14,610
Um, I can't believe I did this.
400
00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:16,170
Anyway. Bit of fun.
401
00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:17,540
Um...
402
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:22,780
I auction...
403
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:25,940
.. a kiss.
404
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:28,580
That's right.
405
00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:33,020
A kiss to the highest bidder.
406
00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:37,730
Shall we start the bidding at £50?
407
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:41,580
Who wants a kiss for £50?
408
00:20:44,180 --> 00:20:47,020
Anyone? A kiss from a lady.
409
00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:51,610
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
410
00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:53,490
This is for charity.
411
00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:56,250
Anyone? Any bids?
412
00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:57,620
50 pence.
413
00:20:59,220 --> 00:21:04,170
Thanks, Liz. Any raise on 50 pence?
414
00:21:04,220 --> 00:21:05,330
Hmm?
415
00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:08,450
Come on, everyone. This is for
children, for the music block.
416
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,170
We can get those keyboards.
417
00:21:10,220 --> 00:21:12,610
We're so close, come on.
418
00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:14,090
Anyone?
419
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:16,210
- £1.
- No-one raised it.
420
00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:18,170
Oh, 50 pence still.
421
00:21:18,220 --> 00:21:21,690
50 pence still. Still 50 pence.
422
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:24,420
Any raise over 50 pence?
423
00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:27,210
£1?
424
00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:29,290
Does anyone want to bid £1?
425
00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:30,970
- £1.
- No-one raised it!
426
00:21:31,020 --> 00:21:33,610
Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's it, isn't it?
427
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:36,730
Have I won? No-one else is bidding on it.
428
00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:38,610
Who else? OK, well.
429
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:41,890
I think that Liz is having a
little bit of fun with me right now,
430
00:21:41,940 --> 00:21:44,620
because I don't think that 50...
431
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:20,620
There's that phone again.
432
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:25,770
Can somebody help me find it?
433
00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:27,210
Look, I really need to leave.
434
00:22:27,260 --> 00:22:31,250
Let's make a real push
to get our target up.
435
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:34,980
We are so close, guys,
to getting this keyboard.
436
00:22:36,220 --> 00:22:40,850
I know how important music is
to our kids -- my son, Reuben,
437
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:43,050
is very musically gifted.
438
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:46,250
And he really found his voice
when he got his first euphonium.
439
00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:49,610
Which, for those of you who don't
know, is a dinky little tuba.
440
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:54,930
So let's dig deep, and shell out.
441
00:22:54,980 --> 00:22:57,210
Can I... Can I grab that for a minute?
442
00:22:57,260 --> 00:23:02,130
Sorry. I just wanted to take this
opportunity to ask the parents,
443
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:03,650
and everybody here,
444
00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:06,250
to give a massive round of applause
445
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:09,010
to Miss Caroline Lacy, who has
446
00:23:09,060 --> 00:23:11,770
organised this whole bloody thing.
447
00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:13,180
Caroline Lacy.
448
00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:20,690
Thank you. So much.
449
00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:22,370
Shall I do the next promise?
450
00:23:22,420 --> 00:23:23,530
Yeah.
451
00:23:23,580 --> 00:23:28,890
Oh! This one is from Julia Johnston...
452
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:30,220
Where's Julia?
453
00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:34,170
Um... I'm Julia.
454
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:35,660
Julia.
455
00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:38,890
Of course.
456
00:23:38,940 --> 00:23:41,730
Oh, my goodness. This
is an interesting one!
457
00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:44,850
Maid for a week...
458
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:48,490
You're going to be someone's
maid for a whole week?
459
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:51,610
That's wonderful! Oh, my God!
460
00:23:51,660 --> 00:23:53,770
Julia, thank you.
461
00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:56,530
- What?
- That's so good of you.
462
00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:58,490
Sorry, I don't know what's happening now.
463
00:23:58,540 --> 00:24:01,650
I think this is a bit of a special
one, so shall we start it at £25?
464
00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:05,130
- £25. - £25! Already! - I don't
know what's happening now.
465
00:24:05,180 --> 00:24:06,610
Any advance on 25?
466
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:11,330
- £30. - Anyone else like to
bid on Julia being your maid
467
00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:13,410
for a whole week?
468
00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:15,010
I presume that's weekdays, Julia?
469
00:24:15,060 --> 00:24:18,010
No, I can't be a maid for a week, I...
470
00:24:18,060 --> 00:24:19,050
Any more for any more?
471
00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:21,530
I can't do the thing that
I'm moving the arrow for.
472
00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:23,850
- £50.
- 50, thank you!
473
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:26,010
That's wrong as an amount, because I...
474
00:24:26,060 --> 00:24:28,410
- I can't... - £100! - Thank you!
475
00:24:28,460 --> 00:24:30,100
- 200!
- Thank you!
476
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:34,530
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
477
00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:38,380
we did it. We hit the target, we did it!
478
00:24:40,620 --> 00:24:44,810
We didn't do it, no. No,
no, no, no. We didn't do it.
479
00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:47,130
We didn't do it. I can't
be a maid for a week.
480
00:24:47,180 --> 00:24:50,130
I can't do this. I didn't write this.
481
00:24:50,180 --> 00:24:53,450
This isn't me. I didn't do this. I
didn't write this. Can I see that?
482
00:24:53,500 --> 00:24:54,930
Can I see that? Can I see it?
483
00:24:54,980 --> 00:24:57,410
Can I see it? Thank you.
This isn't my handwriting.
484
00:24:57,460 --> 00:24:59,330
Who wrote this? Liz?
485
00:24:59,380 --> 00:25:02,250
I'm so sorry. I can't commit to this.
486
00:25:02,300 --> 00:25:06,570
This is some kind of, someone's
idea of a very funny joke.
487
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:13,020
I'm a working mother, and I can't
possibly be a maid for a week.
488
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:18,370
Maybe I could do a Saturday. But I
definitely can't do this Saturday,
489
00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:22,130
because we have to go and see my
husband's family this Saturday.
490
00:25:22,180 --> 00:25:23,370
But I could check my iCal,
491
00:25:23,420 --> 00:25:25,850
there might be a Saturday
at the end of September.
492
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:28,500
But that would have to be
a very, very light pencil.
493
00:25:29,860 --> 00:25:32,340
I'm so sorry. It's just
the practicalities of...
494
00:25:34,860 --> 00:25:37,650
I'll tell you what. Listen.
Why don't we just...
495
00:25:37,700 --> 00:25:41,130
Let's take it off the table, off the
table, off the table, off the table.
496
00:25:41,180 --> 00:25:42,930
Let's start again. Let's start again.
497
00:25:42,980 --> 00:25:44,690
Caroline, what's the next promise?
498
00:25:44,740 --> 00:25:46,650
Julia, please can I
have the microphone back?
499
00:25:46,700 --> 00:25:48,210
No. I'll bid on it.
500
00:25:48,260 --> 00:25:51,170
Whatever it is, I will bid on it,
let's have a little look in the box.
501
00:25:51,220 --> 00:25:53,610
And we have two nights
in a cottage in Margate.
502
00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:56,010
What do we need for the
total? We need £200.
503
00:25:56,060 --> 00:25:57,570
I'll pay 200!
504
00:25:57,620 --> 00:25:59,770
I'll pay £200!
505
00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:03,260
Boom! And we've done it!
506
00:26:04,460 --> 00:26:06,570
We've done it, everybody.
507
00:26:06,620 --> 00:26:08,780
Can I get a "whoop, whoop"!
508
00:26:09,980 --> 00:26:11,420
Whoop, whoop!
509
00:26:16,060 --> 00:26:18,050
We did it!
510
00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:19,970
Thank you, Julia.
511
00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:21,410
No problem.
512
00:26:21,460 --> 00:26:23,770
It's for a great cause.
513
00:26:23,820 --> 00:26:26,330
I can't believe I just spent
£200 on a shit hole in Margate.
514
00:26:26,380 --> 00:26:28,860
That's my summer home.
That was my promise.
515
00:26:35,100 --> 00:26:40,050
I've a message for the owner
of the teal Alice coat.
516
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:44,100
Um, your phone went off numerous times.
517
00:26:45,540 --> 00:26:48,860
Apparently there's been
a flood in your bathroom.
518
00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:53,930
The people downstairs have
gone to a hotel for the night.
519
00:26:53,980 --> 00:26:57,610
Your children are safe,
the baby-sitter's safe.
520
00:26:57,660 --> 00:26:59,050
The fire brigade have been around,
521
00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:01,530
so there's nothing to worry about there.
522
00:27:01,580 --> 00:27:03,770
The cat is unaccounted for,
523
00:27:03,820 --> 00:27:06,970
but it's unlikely there is a sad ending.
524
00:27:07,020 --> 00:27:09,290
You know cats.
525
00:27:09,340 --> 00:27:13,610
But unfortunately, it doesn't sound
like the hallway rug is salvageable.
526
00:27:13,660 --> 00:27:18,140
So... So hit me up at the back of
the hall, if you want to call Jenny.
527
00:27:19,140 --> 00:27:22,980
Although she says there's not a
lot you can do about it now, so...
528
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:25,700
.. so enjoy your evening.
529
00:27:28,780 --> 00:27:30,090
Um...
530
00:27:30,140 --> 00:27:33,460
Although the evening is, of course, over.
40039
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