All language subtitles for In the Know s01e01 Im No Hero.eng

- Mm.

Mm.

Oh.

Oh, that's interesting.

Tell me more.

I guess what I'm wondering is...

I'm Lauren Caspian, and
this is "In the Know."

Mm.

I'm Lauren Caspian, and
this is "In the Know."

You're a fucking god.

The unhoused man looked at me.

He looked me dead in the
eyes, and he said, thank you.

Thank you for
recognizing my humanity

when the rest of
the world refused.

- The homeless guy said that?
- Mm, with his eyes, yes.

- And he's in the studio
bathroom right now?

- It was the least I could do.

- Okay. Well,
have a good show.

- Oh,
Carl, I'm no hero.

- What?

- Oh, Carl, I wish I could
see myself the way you see me.

Oh, Carl, Saturday,
Lin-Manuel Miranda's

interviewing himself at
The New Yorker Festival.

Want to be my plus-one?

- Uh, I have friends
in town Saturday.

- Ah.

Well, let's hang out
next weekend. then?

- They're here
next weekend, too.

- Jeez Louise. They
won't leave you alone.

- I think they're just lonely

and have a hard time
picking up on social cues.

- I was homeless once.

- Yeah, s-summer of '66,
I lived under a pier

in Venice Beach
with Jim Morrison.

H-he used to beat
the shit out of me.

- Ah, Fabian, guten morgen.

- Don't start
with me today, Lauren.

I was just attacked
on the subway.

- Good God. What happened?

- Some meathead's aftershave
triggered one of my migraines.

The way this country
treats the neuro-sensitive

makes me want to firebomb
a Bath & Body Works.

- They're ready to
go in five, Lauren.

- Um, do you have the
research for the first guest?

This just says
"straight white woman."

- Tells you everything
you need to know.

- Chase, interns are
supposed to get here by 9:00.

We've talked about this.

- Dude, it's crazy
I even came in.

Last night this
couple I was banging

accidentally locked me in their
home sensory-deprivation tank,

and I was frickin'
screaming all night.

- What, they didn't hear you?

- They're both
deaf... techno accident.

But they still DJ, which
is inspiring as fuck.

- Good morning, everyone.
Ready to have a great show?

- Ugh, Barb, you know
I can't have management

hovering over me
before interviews.

The last thing I need is
some corporate fat cat

purring "money, money,
money" in my ear.

- You make twice my salary.

- It's not all
about money, Barb.

- Okay, showtime.

- Scrooge McDuck.

- Boomer Witch.

- Mmm.

Hi, this is Lauren.

Today we'll be unpacking
the idea of beauty.

Our first guest began
modeling at just 13,

proving that in fashion,

child labor doesn't just happen
on the manufacturing side.

An actress, fashion goddess,
and fellow crazed book-slut,

Kaia Gerber, welcome
to "In the Know."

- Wow, um, thank you.
Thank you for having me.

- Let's talk about the
impossible beauty standards

that models put forward.
- Mm.

- I buy most of my clothes

from a company called
Weak and Wiley,

which makes a sweater with
a built-in lumbar support.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm constantly turned off

by how unattainably beautiful

the male model is
in their catalog.

- Do you feel misled? Is that...
is that what the issue is?

- Well, when I look
at the catalog,

I think, ooh, if I
get that fair isle

with the orthopedic Spanx,

I'm going to look like
Vadim from the catalog.

- Mm-hmm.
- But then I go

to the food co-op, and
I see myself reflected

in their two-way mirror...
because there's been

a lot of shoplifting at the
food co-op, to be honest...

I look nothing like Vadim.

- I do think it
can be misleading.

I think sometimes I'll
see a photo of myself,

and I don't even feel
like it looks like me.

So imagine that.
- Mm.

I like to treat my
interviews like a trampoline

and boing from one
subject to another.

- I'm ready.
- Boing, boing.

When you used to bring
books to read backstage

during fashion shows,
people were surprised.

Now, why do you think that is?

- There's a very
common misconception

about models that
we're not intellectual.

- So it doesn't take very
much to impress people.

- I found the same shadow
assumption with me,

which is they expect
me to be intellectual,

but they don't expect
me to be sensual.

- Mm.
- And so they're surprised

when they come to my house
and see my collection

of erotic didgeridoos.

Why do you have didgeridoos?

- Because of how
erotic they are.

- Right.
- Boing.

I'm trying to look younger.

Do you eat breakfast?

- You know, spring
semester I modeled

for this flip-flop company,

where I'd climb in the
back of this guy's SUV,

and he'd photograph my feet
in different kinds of sandals.

It's a really exclusive brand.

They don't have a physical store

or a catalog or a website...
just that Lincoln Navigator.

Do you want to see me
have a full-blown seizure?

- What?

I'm on the 14-day egg diet.

This is how James
Caan got in shape

for "Freebie and the Bean."

- Get rid of it.

- Mm.

Wait for me.

- Wouldn't it be better if,
instead of choosing models

using the current
bizarre criteria,

which, frankly, means
most of them look

like literal aliens
from scary space,

we just chose people at
random like jury duty.

- I agree. I do think
that's worth exploring.

It would definitely
make it interesting.

- Imagine
a hairy old man

in enormous Balenciaga shoes,

a female pipe fitter

who just had dental surgery
smizing in the new Donna Karan.

Wouldn't that be refreshing?
- Completely, yes.

- And because I feel
like we're in a flow

where you're agreeing with me,

would you mind if I rant about
the violence of the male gaze?

- Yeah, I would love to hear it.

- And feel free to
periodically chime in

and say, amen,
or, go off, queen,

whatever feels natural.

- Right, okay.

- Here I go.

Men don't want
these plastic waifs.

We want a physically dominant
version of ourselves.

We want a woman with a
big woolly shoulder bag

and long COVID, who smells
like hummus and coffee

and has earrings that are
sexy little wind chimes.

- Mm. Amen.

- We are all fortunate
to live in a time...

- What's that one about?

- Oh, a family of scientists
are kidnapped by time pirates.

It's actually based on a real
theory of special relativity.

- Ooh, that sounds interesting.

I'm reading another novel about
the widows of Nova Scotia.

- Oh, uh...

Hey, has there been any progress

in your husband's murder case?

- Oh, I-I don't want
to pester the police.

They're probably busy

prepping for the St.
Patrick's Day Parade.

Dale loved parades.

- How did you learn
to walk in heels?

- I actually took lessons,
and that is a true story.

- Do you remember
the key lesson?

- Yes. Don't sway your hips.

- That's impossible for me,

because I have a
naturally sassy pelvis.

- So do I, and it
proved to be an issue.

- Now, you've said you
don't enjoy getting asked

basic questions like, "What
are three items in your purse?"

So I'll ask, Kaia, what have
you done that nobody knows

that you are most ashamed of?

And please be
uncomfortably specific.

- Oh, my...
- This is a safe space.

- Safe space.

- Um, the three items
in my purse, uh, are...

- Didn't your daughter try
to get an internship here?

- Yeah. She really
loves journalism.

- And then this dude got it?
- 14...

- Yeah, supposedly his
parents made this big gift

to NPR after he was put
on academic probation

at Florida State.

- That stinks.
- Whoo!

- Oh, Beth understands.

- What's your
relationship to showers?

- I love crying in the shower.

When you don't know what's
tears and what's water,

that's one of my
favorite things.

- It's like peeing in the bath.
You can't tell what's what.

- Okay.

- You know, it's funny
you brought up bathrooms.

I-I don't normally talk
about my street activism,

but this morning I
invited an unhoused man

to use our studio restroom.

- Great.

- Should I go off?
- Yes, go off.

- Go off who?

- Go off, queen.

- Boing. Do you like funerals?

- Um...

no.

- Is there someone in
our restroom right now?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, so what did
everybody think?

- Amazing.
- Mm, yeah.

- I'm a bit of a
health freak myself.

Twice a week, I do water
reiki down at the Y.

- Yeah. Workout classes slap.

- It's not a class.

It's just something I do
to people in the pool.

- Huh.

- And what did you think of
the interview, Miss Fabian?

- "A tone-deaf duet by
two skeletal narcissists,

emphasis on the 'cis,
' #CancellnTheKnow."

- Did you tweet that from
the official show account?

- Yeah.

- Great interview, Lauren.
- No, it's a team effort.

I'm merely the big daddy.

- Oh, I also wanted
to let everyone know

that that homeless gentleman
is still in the bathroom.

- Oh, Barb.
- Huh?

- That is hate speech.

He is an unhoused person.

- Actually, the
preferred term is

"person who is currently
without housing."

- No, I don't think so.

Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm really very empathetic
to the man's situation.

I volunteer at a
homeless shelter...

- Ah, ah, no, you volunteer
at an unhoused shelter.

- A shelter for persons
currently without housing.

- Well, it just
feels very clunky.

- Oh, I'm sorry, is
it too inconvenient

to treat vulnerable
populations with respect?

- How dare you?

I was using the term
Inuit back in the '90s.

I've been spelling
"womyn" with a Y

since before I
could spell my name.

- Either way, until he
leaves, everyone on the floor

will have to use the
Starbucks down the street.

- And maybe that will teach us

about the lack of water
closets in this country.

May I remind you all that
this is public radio?

Let us urinate and do all
other washroom "shamefuls"

in solidarity with our
unhoused brothers and sisters.

- Brothers, sisters,
and nonbinary siblings

currently without housing.
- God damn it!

- I'm proud of you all.

We aren't just
holding our urine,

we're holding space
for the forgotten

and supposedly hideous among us.

- We're going to have to find

a new place to take a leak.

That Starbucks has bad vibes.

- What does that mean?

- They accused
Sandy of stealing an egg.

- Did you steal an egg?

Sandy?

The manager said

no more public-radio people.
- Great.

- There's another Starbucks
eight blocks further down.

Go for it.
- No, you go.

I don't want you getting
another men's UTI.

- Oh. Thanks, Barb.

I'll get the guy in the
bathroom a sandwich.

- No, Carl, I-I know you're
trying to do what's best,

but we can't presume to
know what this man wants.

- I could ask him.

- Oh, so it's this
man's responsibility

to teach us what persons
currently without housing

like to eat?

Do the work, Barb.

- I could give him money.
- Jesus Chri...

I mean, Barb, what is this
craven obsession with money?

- Wow.

- And you wonder why
you're miserable.

- I'm pretty happy,
all things considered.

- I'll be back in 15.

- Uh, Carl, I'm sorry, but we
need to tape Sandy's segment

if we want to stay on schedule.

Can you stay?
- Lauren.

- It's okay,
Barb. I'll manage.

- And that, ladies
and gentlemen,

is why Carl and I
are best friends.

- Season's greetings,
movie mavens.

It's time for another
edition of "Candid Culture,"

with me, Sandy Cooter.

- If you
need to go, I can cover.

- I'm okay.

It helps if I focus
on something else.

- Today I'll be sharing my views

on the Andrew Samberg
romp, "Palm Springs."

- Didn't you tell him to
review more recent movies?

- He says he likes to watch a
film once with the sound off

and once with his eyes closed
and then wait two years

for his ideas to "simmer
like a creole gumbo."

- I-I'm afraid
Mr. Samberg's talents

are better suited for skits
such as "Dick in a Box,"

which I loved, than a
major motion picture.

The mind spins to think what
a talent like Dick Gregory

could have done with
a role like this.

We miss you, Dick. We
wish you weren't in a box.

You can't have a serious
conversation about beauty

without America's
foremost expert.

One of the stars of "Queer Eye,"

they're a hair
guru, a raconteur,

and self-described "Malcolm
X of the gay community."

Jonathan Van Ness,
welcome to "In the Know."

- Um, "self-described Malcolm
X of the gay community"?

- That's what our
researcher Fabian said.

Is that incorrect?

- I-I typically go
for, like, a diva.

- Huh.

- Give me, like, a
Whitney. Give me a Taylor.

Give me a Mariah.
- Mm.

I've just never been described

of a Malcolm X of anything
before, but I'm obsessed.

- Jonathan, what I love
about your show "Queer Eye"

is that you're taking
rightful revenge

against heterosexual society
by erasing straight identities.

It's sort of a conversion
camp in reverse,

a physically imposing
five-person platoon

thunders into the hetero's home

and tells them to change
everything about themselves,

or they'll never be loved, and
I think it's just wonderful.

- Yeah, we actually edit
out the boxing matches.

- Mm.
- Like, we actually... we also...

No, we do that.

Like, if they don't
conform fast enough,

like, we go off camera, and we
just beat the shit out of them,

all five of us.
- Mm.

Do you ever show up at one of
these dirty "strogres'" homes,

and it's just some
dopey pig with a Bowflex

and a deer head on the wall?

Do you ever think, well, I'm
sorry, but he's beyond saving,

let's just leave this
dopey pig in his filth?

- Um, we have never really had,

like, a "dopey"...

Like, no, like, all of them...

I think really
everyone at their core

is, like, a sweet, good person.

- Mm. And what do you think
about the word "strogre"?

Do you think it can catch on?

It's a slur I've
been workshopping.

It's a combination of the
word "straight" and "ogre."

- It's giving me, like,

something that you
would tune a cello with.

- Mm.
- It's not giving me a read.

It's giving me forced.

And you know JLo just said...
- Who's that?

- Jennifer Lopez, obviously.

- I'm not familiar. Is she
a victim of wage theft?

- Oh, honey.

But she said her
third best advice

that she got on this,
like, "Vogue" thing I saw

was, like, don't force it.

And "strogre" feels forced.

- Mm. Thank you for
your honest feedback.

It hurts like hell, but I'm
going to bravely power on.

Jonathan, what is your position

on those Rastafarian hats

with the fake
dreadlocks attached?

Is that a fashion do
or a fashion don't?

- Uh...

- I tried to mix up my
style a few years ago.

I wore a bolo tie to work.

I immediately regretted it,
but I couldn't take it off

because people would
notice I removed it.

It was
a kind of hell.

- Oh, a woman my age shouldn't
have to worry about style.

I always tell my hairdresser,

just try to make my
head look invisible.

- I think you look great.

- Oh.

- Me too.

I'd totally smash...
for real, Barb.

Thank... thank you.

- You too, Carl.

- Hey.

- I'm going to go check on
the gentleman in the bathroom.

- Good idea.

- I'm technically dating a het
cis woman also named Lauren,

but we don't have
penetrative sex

because I do find
it problematic.

But we do...
- That's called sideways.

- What's sideways?

- When you, like, don't
want to do penetrative sex

in your booty holes or vaginas.

- Well, we do engage

in what I like to
call "rough spooning."

And she outweighs me
by about 50 pounds,

so we have a pretty complicated

sexual power dynamic.

She throws me around like
a little bag of sand.

- I love that. It's hot.

- I like to think of
myself as a sapiosexual.

I'm sexually attracted to ideas.

Do you think that
that should be given

more space in the conversation,

specifically ours that
we're having right now?

- Yeah, I think
people absolutely...

I think that's
absolutely a thing.

- I once got an erection from
reading Plato's "The Cave."

- Do you
have a therapist?

- Oh, shit, is that a skunk?

- You can't look at
someone's pet cam

without the consent of
the caregiver and the pet.

- That's your pet?

Awesome.

- Her name is Bertie.

I rescued her from the streets.

She was literally eating trash.

She's my chosen family.

- Does giving someone's
life a makeover

sometimes work against the
goal of self-acceptance.

How do you marry
those two together?

- Yeah, I think...
That's a good question.

I don't think that
those are, like, binary.

Um, I think that there's ways
for us to, like, explore...

- Aah.

Have you lost your
God-fearing Midwestern mind?

I am mid-interview.

I'm sorry, Lauren.

I'm just worried about
our unhoused friend.

He's not responding
when I knock.

He... he could be sick.

- And I suppose you get
to decide who's sick,

Nurse Ratchet.

- Oh, Ken Kesey once
showed me an early draft

of "One Flew Over
the Cuckoo's Nest,"

when it was still called

"Untitled Mental
Hospital Comedy."

- My God.

You called in your goons.
- That's Terry.

He's the maintenance supervisor.

He's got a bathroom
key, and he knows CPR.

- What's
next... the police?

You want to tear-gas this man?
- Well, no, I...

- Why do the police
need a tank, Barb?

Tell me.
- I-I don't know.

- Answer her question, Barb.
Why do the police need a tank?

- Answer my question, Barb.
- I don't know.

- You want to tear-gas this man?

- Oh, no. No.
- With a tank?

- You want a tank
full of tear gas?

- No.
- She's foaming at the mouth.

- Let me be absolutely clear.

No one will disturb that
precious unhoused man.

And if they do, I will
personally call them out

live on air in
front of millions.

- We average 30,000 listeners.

- We're done here.

- Tell me what
democracy looks like.

- This is what
democracy looks like.

- be a matter of, like,
not accepting yourself.

I think it's really more of a
matter of, like, exploration

and finding what makes you
feel the most embodied.

- Mm. I'm sorry. I
missed most of that.

I was saving a man's life.

- Who... Just now?

- Yeah.

There's an unhoused
man who is currently...

- A person who's
experiencing homelessness?

- Fucking... I mean, that's
the least of their...

I have
one final question.

- Okay.

- Is being a
body-positivity icon...

is it a bit like being
a climate-change denier,

in... in that you have to
ignore your problem areas

much like America ignores ours?

- No, because I think that
the idea of the problem area

is, like, a figment
of our imagination.

Like, there is no such thing.

- What if you have
hyperintense localized eczema

on your lower back?

- I get it, and you're
still gorgeous and fuckable.

- Did you just say
I was fuckable?

- Everyone is
gorgeous and fuckable.

As long as you're, like,
consenting adults, honey...

You're fuckable.

- And that, my dear friend,

is why you're the Malcolm
X of the gay community.

- Thank you.

- And that is our show.

In conclusion, I'd like to
take a moment of silence.

There are unhoused people

in bathrooms all
over this country.

Let's take a pause
to listen to them.

Not literal... not
literally, obviously.

They deserve privacy
in the bathroom.

And that,
my dear friends,

is the ball game.

Chase, my kombucha, please.

- Oh, shit, pretty sure I
gave the last one to Kevin.

- Who's Kevin?
- Dude in the bathroom.

You want some of my
power jerky, though?

It's a pork byproduct

dusted with a very
gentle strain of cocaine.

- Chase, my post-show
kombucha isn't just a treat.

It's a
prescription-strength blend

of yeast and bacteria cultures.

- The only cultures
you seem to respect.

- This is terrible.

- Are you okay, Lauren?

- My bowels are a delicately
constructed Swiss clock,

and the smallest irregularity
can trigger the end of time.

Everyone out of the way. I
need to get to the bathroom.

- The bathroom's
occupied, remember?

- Good God, the unhoused man.

- The person
currently without...

- I don't have time!

Oh, no.

Oh.

Chase, I'm panicking.

You're going to have to
carry me to the Starbucks.

I-I can't walk and focus on
not going to the restroom

in my pants at the same time.

- No way, my guy.

I'm not carrying
you eight blocks

while you shit your pants.

- You want Terry to ask
the homeless guy to leave?

- No, I'm fine.

It's as much his
bathroom as it is mine.

Could... could I have
the studio, please?

- Gross.

- God damn it, that's
my equipment closet.

I got to walk to
the damn Starbucks.

- Knock, knock.

Lauren, it's Barb.

I brought you some essentials.

If you need anything
else, I'll be...

- Get out of here!
Get out of here!

Oh, good God!

- Room for one more?
- Barb!

- I'm reading this
fascinating...

- Shut up!

- Mm.

Ah. Ooh.

Yes, ouch.

Mm, interesting.

Mm, yes.

Lauren!

[upbeat music playing
on headphones]

I hate that guy.

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