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1
00:00:00,458 --> 00:00:00,583
Mom!
2
00:00:00,583 --> 00:00:00,625
Mom!
Naz:
3
00:00:00,625 --> 00:00:00,709
Mom!
Naz: I'm
4
00:00:00,709 --> 00:00:01,668
Mom!
Naz: I'm here.
5
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,628
Where's my little
Persian princess?
6
00:00:03,628 --> 00:00:06,006
Oh, shit.
She's washing my shorts.
7
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,718
I have a very important
parental task for you.
8
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,720
Mom, I need you to sign
my permission slip
9
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,972
for the sophomore trip
to Vancouver.
10
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,015
What's this?
11
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,642
Vancouver is
a wonderful city.
12
00:00:17,642 --> 00:00:19,269
You would not believe
the rain.
13
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,854
Everything is so wet.
14
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,147
I love it.
Have you been there?
15
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:25,442
I have not, but I have walked
its streets many times
16
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,860
on Google Earth.
17
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,403
Chad must go to Vancouver.
18
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:31,072
Mm, mm.
You heard it here first.
19
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:32,866
Must go to Vancouver!
20
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,785
God damn it,
he has my back.
21
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:37,662
I love that man.
Naz: I'll get to it later.
22
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:40,123
I'm getting an Oreo stain
out of your cargo shorts.
23
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,541
Mom, it's very urgent, okay?
24
00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,085
I need your signature on all
the lines that say "signature,"
25
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,546
and I need my passports
to bring to school on Friday
26
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,881
for a spot check.
27
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:48,882
A passport?
28
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,301
You need it
for international travel.
29
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,469
Pfft.
Okay.
30
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,888
Um... Chad, you know
how me and your dad
31
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,348
were going back and forth
between Iran and the U.S.
32
00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:58,975
until you were 2?
Yeah.
33
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:01,936
Dad's like me--
He's a mover and a shaker.
34
00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:03,104
Uh-huh.
35
00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:06,775
Well, we don't have
American passports.
36
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,109
Damn, okay.
Reckless.
37
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,320
Well, should we head down
to the passport store,
38
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,572
or is this more
of a Costco trip?
39
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:13,615
It takes some time.
40
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:14,991
I'm-- I'm working on it,
but it's...
41
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,534
a little bit complicated.
42
00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:18,703
How is it complicated,
Mom?
43
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:20,121
I'm an American citizen,
44
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:23,166
and I'm asking you to give me
my American passport.
45
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:26,127
Chad, sweetie, that's what
I'm trying to explain to you.
46
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:28,671
You're not
an American citizen.
47
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,716
Yet.
48
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:52,153
?
49
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:53,696
Great season, everyone.
50
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,406
I'll see you all next year.
51
00:01:55,406 --> 00:02:00,578
?
52
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:03,498
Dude!
What are you doing?!
53
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:04,666
Boy: Oh, my God.
54
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,752
Ferydoon eats his hot dog
like a corn on the cob!
55
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,547
[ Laughter ]
56
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,966
What's corn on the cob?
57
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,468
[ Laughter ]
58
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:23,601
?
59
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,228
Should we address the fact
that your eyes
60
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,729
are a completely
different color?
61
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:29,607
Not unless you have a problem
with how American I look.
62
00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:32,443
I know how lukewarm
you are on America.
63
00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:33,444
That's not true.
64
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:34,946
And what does any of that
have to do
65
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,322
with changing your eye color?
66
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:37,574
'Cause I felt like it.
67
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,784
You're always going on
about "my body, my choice."
68
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:43,246
Well, guess what-- It's
my body, and it is my choice.
69
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:46,082
Oh, my God.
You're so whitewashed.
70
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:48,168
Aww.
Thank you, Niki.
71
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,337
That was unexpected,
ya little cutie.
72
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,672
Let me guess--
You have a problem
73
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:55,466
with my American flag hoodie,
as well.
74
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:56,467
I actually don't.
75
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:57,886
I think
it's loud and exciting
76
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,680
and a little bit like,
"What is going on, though?"
77
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,099
Niki, you should know
our mom has been hiding
78
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,727
a deep, dark secret
from us.
79
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,229
We are not U.S. citizens.
80
00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:12,275
She's so pissed at you.
81
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:15,653
Chad, I was born 15 minutes
down the street.
82
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:18,406
So, I actually am
a U.S. citizen.
83
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,536
Oh, crap,
oh, crap, oh, crap.
84
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:24,537
Niki?
85
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,872
The second one
that came out of you
86
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,459
has a U.S. passport
and I don't?
87
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,294
Yes.
88
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:34,964
Okay.
89
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,093
Chad...
90
00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:42,388
Chad, no!
91
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:46,476
Well, we have to get a guy
to fix the other one anyway!
92
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:53,858
?
93
00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:57,904
Is there anything you wanna
say to me right now?
94
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:58,905
Nope.
95
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,115
Thank you, Peter.
You're a good kid.
96
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:02,450
Good morning, everyone.
97
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:05,161
All right, let's open up to
chapter four of our textbooks.
98
00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,789
Do you mind if we actually
go a few chapters
99
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:08,915
further back than that?
100
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,125
To when we used to say
the Pledge of Allegiance
101
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:13,711
in this class
every single day?
102
00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:15,755
What happened
to that chapter?
103
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:16,798
What's going on, Chad?
104
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,508
Just a little question
off the dome.
105
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:21,469
Not trying to be a dick,
but flag's right there,
106
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:24,180
naked as hell,
waiting for us to worship her.
107
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,640
Actually, we haven't
done that in years.
108
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,558
I believe it was
a school-board decision.
109
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:31,020
Okay. Well, the school board
can kiss my little American ass.
110
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,398
Chad, we're not doing this
right now.
111
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:36,234
Call me crazy,
but I love this country.
112
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:40,280
And I'm pretty damn proud
to be a citizen inside of it.
113
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,197
Chad, please.
114
00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:42,657
Does anyone have a problem
with me
115
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:46,536
saying
the Pledge of Allegiance?
116
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:47,912
Hmm.
117
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:48,955
You hear that?
118
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,873
It's the deafening silence
of support.
119
00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:52,875
Does this need to happen
right now?
120
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,919
It absolutely does.
121
00:04:56,421 --> 00:05:00,216
Does anybody wanna join me, please?
122
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,426
Peter?
123
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,387
Um...
124
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,763
okay.
125
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:07,765
Thank you, Peter.
126
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,809
I pledge-- What are you--
Why are you kneeling?
127
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:13,354
I don't support
police brutality.
128
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:16,607
Okay. Well,
I don't support that, either.
129
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:22,363
I pledge of allegiance
to the flag
130
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:25,533
of the United States
of America.
131
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:29,954
And to the Republicans
for which I stan,
132
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:33,374
one God,
totally invisible,
133
00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:38,588
with liberty
and Christianity for all.
134
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,131
Amen.
135
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,924
That was pretty much it, right?
136
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:43,718
I think so.
I don't remember it.
137
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,887
[ Laughter on TV ]
138
00:05:48,222 --> 00:05:50,350
I've got a surprise
for you.
139
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,768
Awesome.
What is it?
140
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,269
I got
all the documents sorted
141
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,479
for your
Vancouver field trip.
142
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,189
You got my passport?
143
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,690
No, not exactly.
144
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,776
But something
just as good.
145
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,157
What the hell is this?
146
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,242
That's everything you need
to show your teacher on Friday.
147
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:10,078
It's your resident
alien paperwork.
148
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,580
Resident alien paperwork?
149
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,123
Are you kidding me?
150
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:16,501
So I-I'm not
a U.S. citizen?
151
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:19,629
I'm a goddamn UFO
from the planet Iran?
152
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,173
Yeah, I always thought
that was a poor word choice.
153
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:25,218
Mom, I have spent
my entire life grinding
154
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,844
to not be
the foreign kid,
155
00:06:26,844 --> 00:06:29,639
and you want me to waltz
in there with a beefy-ass novel
156
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,517
like I'm some kind of
deranged paralegal?
157
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,977
Honey, it's everything you need
to go across the border.
158
00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:37,522
It's not about the border!
It's not about the trip!
159
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:39,065
It's about
the moment in class
160
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:42,360
where everyone's gonna show
their shiny American passports,
161
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,903
and I'm friggin' showing up
162
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,948
with a filing cabinet
of documentation!
163
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,450
I mean, half of these pages
are in Farsi!
164
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:52,829
I might as well ride in
on a magic carpet!
165
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:54,414
[ Remote clicks ]
166
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,499
I'm just trying to be
a goddamn American boy,
167
00:06:56,499 --> 00:07:00,253
and you want me to be freakin'
Aladdin from "Agargrabah."
168
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,379
I'm sorry, Chad.
169
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,964
I'm not Aladdin, Hamid.
170
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,465
I know.
171
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,717
You're not Aladdin.
172
00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:11,264
?
173
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,141
[ Thud ]
174
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:18,521
?
175
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,189
Where am I?
176
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,399
Take this hot chocolate.
177
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,818
You're inside a moving car.
178
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,571
No, I-I know that, Hamid,
but why?
179
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,781
It's pitch black
on a school night.
180
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,116
You're
such a gentle sleeper,
181
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,826
I didn't have the heart
to wake you.
182
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,704
You looked like
a human kitten.
183
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,747
Where are we going?
184
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:37,790
Bah bah!
185
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,292
Salam Farhad joon.
186
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,293
Perfect timing!
187
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,879
I was about to have dinner.
Come on.
188
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:47,508
Dinner?
It's 1:00 in the morning.
189
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:49,635
?
190
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,430
[ Speaking
in native language ]
191
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,516
[ Speaking
in native language ]
192
00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:57,351
Hey,
do you remember Mohsen?
193
00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:59,103
Oh, I've spent more time
with Mohsen
194
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:02,607
than members
of my immediate family, Farhad.
195
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,525
And are you guys roommates?
196
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:07,987
Is this, like, a Bert
and Ernie situation or what?
197
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,864
No, Mohsen's just chilling.
198
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:11,699
I have something for you.
199
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,369
Chad, you probably
just think of Farhad
200
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:18,414
as a man who gossips heavily
and loves to clap.
201
00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,791
I didn't know either
of those things.
202
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,251
Come here.
203
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,295
Hamid, I would love to know
what's going on.
204
00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:26,380
What you don't know
about Farhad is,
205
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:29,967
he's a badass
and a revolutionary.
206
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:31,093
Whoa.
207
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,972
Dang, Farhad's got, like,
13 different families.
208
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,182
Well, in a way.
209
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,309
He risked his life
forging green cards
210
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,854
to help these people escape
during the revolution.
211
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,856
If it weren't for Farhad,
most of them
212
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:48,236
would be imprisoned,
or even worse, killed.
213
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,445
Whoa.
214
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:51,364
He really did that?
215
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,033
Just out of the goodness
of his heart?
216
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,660
My gosh.
217
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,704
Wait.
Hamid, is that you?
218
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:01,207
Look at you.
You were yoked.
219
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,627
I was one of the people
he saved.
220
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:05,878
You were?
Yes.
221
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:09,423
And he's coming out
of retirement just for you.
222
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:10,216
Hey!
223
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:13,177
Check out this bad boy.
224
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:14,679
What is it?
225
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,181
He made me a passport?!
You made me a passport?!
226
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,475
Boy, Farhad,
another masterpiece.
227
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:21,561
You haven't lost your touch
at all.
228
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,771
Oh, my gosh,
thank you so much.
229
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,481
I mean,
talk about saving lives!
230
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:27,900
Hey.
Before I give it to you,
231
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,027
I need you
to look in my eye
232
00:09:30,027 --> 00:09:33,531
and promise me this is
just to show your class, huh?
233
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,075
Yeah, I promise.
He's serious, Chaddy.
234
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,326
This is just
to show your class
235
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,287
so you don't look
like a child loser.
236
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,581
Yeah, I swear.
I'll only use it to fit in.
237
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,958
Yes, it's just
for fitting in.
238
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,835
Fitting in!
Fitting in.
239
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,086
- Fitting in!
- Don't do that.
240
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,671
? La, la-la-la, la ?
You guys...
241
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:49,672
Both: ? Fitting in ?
242
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:50,715
? La, la-la-la la ?
243
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:51,966
What?
? Fitting in ?
244
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,426
? La, la-la-la, la,
fitting in ?
245
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,263
You guys, this has just got
so Persian so fast.
246
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,682
Alexa, play Googoosh!
247
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,143
Alexa: Here's some music
by Googoosh on Amazon Music.
248
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,185
Wait. What are you do--
249
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:04,520
Why are
you getting Alexa involved?
250
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,771
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
251
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,981
Eh!
What?
252
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:10,067
There's just a lady here now
with a to-go plate?
253
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:14,864
She's Mohsen's girlfriend,
and she's a wonderful dancer!
254
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,283
Alexa, volume 10!
255
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,118
H-- Volume 10--
Okay.
256
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:23,372
How many people live
in this home?!
257
00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:26,542
?
258
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:30,671
Time to flash this puppy
for the field trip.
259
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,090
I almost forgot mine.
260
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:35,468
Oh, crap, Ethan.
Oh, my God.
261
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,429
Yours is all banged up
and-- holy shit--
262
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:39,639
chock-full of stamps.
263
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,390
Can I have my passport back, please?
264
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,601
So many stamps.
265
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,686
If everyone can pull out
their passports
266
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:49,523
and pass them up
to the front of the class...
267
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:51,025
Wait. What?
268
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,322
W-Why are
we passing them up?
269
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,699
I thought you were
just gonna look at them.
270
00:10:58,699 --> 00:10:59,867
Remember?
271
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:03,287
You guys, are we just gonna
hand over our passports
272
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,373
to Mr. Henderson?
273
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:06,874
Yeah, Chad.
He's our teacher.
274
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:09,794
This is complete identity fraud
waiting to happen, you guys.
275
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:12,463
Chad, no one wants to steal
your identity. You're a child.
276
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,298
Then what the hell
are you gonna do with these?
277
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:16,425
It's a photocopy.
It's not a big deal.
278
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:17,468
It's for the consulate.
279
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,428
Chad, is everything okay?
280
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:21,472
[ Sighs ]
281
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:22,598
No, I can't...
282
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:23,933
I-- Wait, hold on.
I--
283
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,518
Really quick!
I just can't.
284
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,187
Quick for what?
Chad, let go.
285
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,606
Chad, I need your passport!
Do you want to go?
286
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,733
Do you want to go
on the trip or not?
287
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:36,028
I d-o-o-o.
288
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,822
Thank you.
289
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,448
[ Sighs ]
290
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,784
I'm going to the bathroom!
291
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:50,793
?
292
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,378
Chad, what's going on?
293
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,504
It's not safe in here.
294
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,464
We got to go in a stall.
295
00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:56,924
Please tell me--
296
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,592
Is this about
your baby-blue contacts?
297
00:11:58,592 --> 00:11:59,969
They don't look good on you
at all.
298
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,763
You look like a purebred husky.
Fine.
299
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,391
I'll take the stupid
contacts out.
300
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:06,809
Thank you.
Ugh!
301
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:07,810
God damn it!
302
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,563
I have Hot Cheeto dust
on my fingers, and it burns!
303
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,731
[ Grunts ]
304
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,232
I'm only doing one!
305
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,276
Oh, God,
that's so much worse.
306
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:19,655
I have some pretty hard-core
news to share with you, Peter.
307
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:22,158
I'm not a citizen
of the United States.
308
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,367
Well, that makes sense.
309
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:25,578
You were born in Tehran,
and obtaining citizenship
310
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,121
does take
a decent amount of time.
311
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,206
Well, I'm glad to see
you're taking this so well.
312
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:32,543
I've been absolutely devastated
for the last two days.
313
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:33,586
Mm.
Okay.
314
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,129
So, the point is,
Hamid and Farhad
315
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,715
just completely made me
a fake passport,
316
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,634
and I accidentally
just turned it in.
317
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:44,263
So tell me-- How serious
is that, legally speaking?
318
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,349
Oh, my God. I think
that might actually be a felony.
319
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,310
Okay. But it's not like
felonies are sometimes--
320
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,561
Like, yeah,
sometimes they're bad,
321
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:51,854
but sometimes
they're not bad.
322
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,606
Chad, you gotta get
that passport back!
323
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,774
Stop yelling at me!
324
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,400
You're right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
325
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,693
I'm sorry.
326
00:12:57,693 --> 00:13:04,784
?
327
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,744
[ Door slams ]
Shit!
328
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:20,925
?
329
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,218
Peter.
330
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:24,094
?
331
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,221
[ Sighs ]
332
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,098
Oh, god damn it, Peter!
333
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:29,892
[ School bell rings ]
334
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,685
[ Gasps ]
[ Door opens ]
335
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:44,532
?
336
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:45,908
[
337
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:45,991
[ Babak
338
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:46,033
[ Babak chirps
339
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:46,116
[ Babak chirps ]
340
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:46,158
[ Babak chirps ]
Yes, it
341
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:46,242
[ Babak chirps ]
Yes, it is
342
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,868
[ Babak chirps ]
Yes, it is time.
343
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:48,953
Time for your bath.
344
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,538
Hamid, I did something
really bad,
345
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:51,872
and I need to tell you
right now.
346
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,124
Chaddy, it's Babak's bath time.
What's wrong?
347
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:56,126
Please put
that goddamn Q-Tip down.
348
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:59,171
I tried to use the passport
for fitting in, like you said,
349
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:02,550
and then Mr. Henderson took it,
and I tried to get it back,
350
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,093
and then I panicked,
and then, look--
351
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,679
I ended up stealing
everyone's passports!
352
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,847
[ Gasps ] Oh, God,
353
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,306
that's so many more passports
354
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:11,308
than I pictured
when you said it just now.
355
00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:12,810
I don't know what to do!
356
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,645
I will turn myself in.
No!
357
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:17,565
This was my idea, and,
therefore, it is my fault.
358
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,776
First, I will finish
Babak's Q-Tip sponge bath.
359
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:23,153
Then I will wait till
your mother gets home.
360
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,656
Then I will cook dinner
for everyone, obviously.
361
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,408
Make sure everyone eats
some fesenjoon,
362
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:28,701
maybe a little sabzi polo.
363
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,703
Then I will drive myself
right down
364
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,829
to the police station.
365
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,747
Hamid, you can't!
I won't let you do that!
366
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:35,291
Your words
will not stop me.
367
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,167
I have to do what is right.
368
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,419
And who knows?
369
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:42,756
Maybe a mine like me will thrive
in the American prison system.
370
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:45,843
I love a community.
371
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,053
Oh, God.
372
00:14:48,053 --> 00:15:01,317
?
373
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,818
[ Cash register dings ]
374
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,194
[ Cell door slams ]
375
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:07,907
?
376
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,408
Oh, my God.
377
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:27,551
?
378
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,637
I know we barely ever talk,
Misha,
379
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,972
but you're the goddamn light
of my life,
380
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:34,350
and don't you forget it!
381
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:47,696
?
382
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:53,827
?
383
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:57,206
No. No!
384
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,666
[ Sighs ]
385
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:04,213
Shit! Shit! Shit!
386
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:11,470
?
387
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:14,014
[ Sirens wailing ]
388
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:31,198
?
389
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,574
Chad?
What's going on?
390
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,618
Why did you want me
to come here?
391
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:37,955
I wanted to say goodbye
to you, Peter.
392
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,500
In the most American place
I could think of.
393
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:45,504
You didn't return
the passports?
394
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,630
I couldn't.
395
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,590
Hamid was gonna
turn himself in,
396
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,509
so I stole the passports,
397
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,429
and now I have
to run away forever.
398
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,681
Probably gonna live off
the land somewhere.
399
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,182
I hope hunting isn't hard.
400
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,685
That's surprisingly selfless
of you.
401
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:03,147
Hey, if they ever make a biopic
about my tragic life,
402
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:05,357
will you please make sure
someone really cool
403
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,276
like Dave Franco plays me?
404
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:10,070
I would actually love for it
to be him specifically.
405
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,656
I don't know if I'll be totally
involved in the production,
406
00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:14,116
but I'll try.
407
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,617
Thanks.
408
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,288
I guess this is goodbye.
409
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,622
Where are you gonna go?
410
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:21,999
I don't know.
411
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,083
I'll just wander off.
412
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:26,128
Maybe even start my own
little country.
413
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,212
Call it Chad.
414
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,256
There's already a country
called Chad, so...
415
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,009
[ Laughs ]
Can you imagine?
416
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,010
That'd be hilarious.
417
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,972
Chad, it's not too late
to fix this.
418
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:40,476
I'll help you
turn them in.
419
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:42,186
Yes, yes.
420
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:44,480
It'll be that simple, okay?
421
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,731
Not simple.
422
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,608
Chad...
423
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:52,362
What does it matter, anyway?
424
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:55,365
No matter how hard I try,
I'm...
425
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:59,620
always gonna be seen
as Ferydoon from Iran.
426
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,996
I don't fit in anywhere.
427
00:18:00,996 --> 00:18:03,082
I-I'm too Persian
to be American,
428
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,709
and I'm too American
to be Persian.
429
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,753
I...
430
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,005
I'm lost!
431
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:11,006
That's not true.
432
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:12,841
You're the most American boy
I know.
433
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:14,760
You're just saying that
'cause you adore me.
434
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,888
It doesn't matter what it says
on your passport.
435
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,056
You're American.
436
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,225
You love hot dogs,
you love watching reality TV,
437
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,893
you have
this incredible drive
438
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,436
to be famous
for whatever reason--
439
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,939
I'm just tryna get
that blue checkmark by my name.
440
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,607
You think you're always right
even when there's
441
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:31,360
overwhelming evidence
to the contrary.
442
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,820
You wear flip-flops
on planes--
443
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,782
Oh, and you don't trust
any salads that aren't iceberg.
444
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:41,036
My God, Peter, when you
put it like that,
445
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:44,873
I am the most
American boy, huh?
446
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,503
Peter...
447
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:50,963
Mm?
448
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,882
I think I know
what I need to do.
449
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:55,425
?
450
00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:57,511
Mr.
451
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:57,636
Mr. Henderson:
452
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:57,719
Mr. Henderson:
And
453
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:57,761
Mr. Henderson:
And that's
454
00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:57,886
Mr. Henderson:
And that's why
455
00:18:57,886 --> 00:18:57,928
Mr. Henderson:
And that's why imperialism
456
00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,221
Mr. Henderson:
And that's why imperialism--
457
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,639
I'd like permission
to speak, please.
458
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:01,765
Um...
Mr. Henderson.
459
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,308
Chad, we're in the middle
of a lesson.
460
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:04,518
Well, that's perfect,
461
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:07,062
'cause I have my own
little lesson for all of you.
462
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:08,897
Take a seat.
[ Sighs ]
463
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,774
Sure.
464
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,405
I, Chad Amani,
465
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:19,533
am not a U.S. citizen.
466
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,828
Go ahead.
Make your little insults,
467
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,413
sneer your little sneers.
468
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,874
I bet some of you think
it's disgusting
469
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,458
I'm from a different country.
470
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,918
Uh, Kendall was born
in England.
471
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,671
Cry me a river.
That's one of the white ones.
472
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:33,881
I was born in Guadalajara.
473
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:37,885
Can everyone stop talking
while I'm talking... Theo?
474
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,052
Please.
475
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:40,179
Mm-hmm.
476
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,891
The point is, it actually
makes me pretty damn American
477
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,767
to not be from America.
478
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:47,936
Yeah, I bet you don't
even know this,
479
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,354
but some of your grandparents
480
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:52,774
are even from
different kinds of places.
481
00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:54,526
How's that for a mind freak?
482
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:55,694
Everybody knows that, bro.
483
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:59,198
The interruptions
have got to stop, Theo!
484
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:03,785
We-- We cannot just be the two
brown kids going at each other.
485
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,454
I simply won't do it.
486
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:09,041
It's not just boring-ass
regulars like your grandparents,
487
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,709
but famous people, too.
488
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,503
Ryan Reynolds--
not American.
489
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:16,340
Seth Rogen-- not American.
490
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,968
The Hemsworthseses--
not American.
491
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:23,931
The point is, I stole
all of your passports.
492
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,391
What?
493
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,810
Chad,
why would you do that?!
494
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:29,895
That's illegal!
495
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,063
I don't know.
496
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:36,443
But I'm an American boy,
and I'm gonna keep on shinin'!
497
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:38,237
[ Chanting ] U.S.A.!
498
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,322
U.S.A.!
Come on, everybody!
499
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,449
[ Chanting ] U.S.A.!
U.S.A. Thanks, Peter!
500
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:43,784
Together: U.S.A.!
No, no, no, no.
501
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,911
Come on! U.S.A.!
No.
502
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,704
U.S.A.!
Oh, my God.
503
00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:49,790
U.S.A.! U.S.--
504
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,125
? Boys, all you boys ?
505
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:55,087
? Think you're so American ?
506
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:59,049
? Girls, all you girls ?
507
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:02,302
? Yeah, you're so American ?
508
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:05,764
? There's two eyes
for every one of us ?
509
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:09,810
? But somebody got there first
and took them all ?
510
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,521
? There's two eyes
for every one of us ?
511
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:15,774
? But somebody got there first
and took them all ?
512
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:26,994
?
513
00:21:27,044 --> 00:21:31,594
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