Original subtitles

When you're living with

your best friends for the first time,

it's everything you could've hoped for and more.

Every night is like a stony,

snack-filled sleepover with your crew.

You also end up learning about

your friends'... domestic habits.

Will you look at this and tell me if the color's too dark?!

_

Mm.

Ugh.

But things can get kind of awkward

when it comes to your friend' bigger issues.

I knew Nomi was a player, but this is next-level.

Is homegirl starting a cult?

We need to talk.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com...

Is this about the Crispy Wheats?

How do you get nine cents per wheat?

Because it feels so high.

It's so worth it, though, because it's like a combination

- of gluten and magic. - Mm-hmm.

No, this is about the, um, morning and nightly

and sometimes midafternoon slut walks

- happening in our apartment. - Oh. Mm.

Whoa, there. Let's... Let's not start calling each other sluts.

No, no, no, it's okay, Zoey.

Women are taking back "slut."

You're a slut, you're a slut, I'm a slut. We can all be sluts.

I meant slut in the way you would want me to take it back.

- Noted. - Okay. Look, we're just having

a-a volume issue and a volume issue.

- Girl, you smash too loud. - Just a little too loud.

Oh.

Look, we're not mad at you, right?

- I'm not mad at you. - Okay.

It's just, having these bodies

roam the halls every night

is starting to throw off the vibe

and the energy of our apartment.

Yeah, but Luca's literally here every day and night.

But, like, Luca doesn't really inconvenience you.

He doesn't eat our food, he doesn't use your shampoo,

and, plus, he's a very quiet lover.

And, Nomi, this week alone, there's been like, what,

- eight different women in here? - Eight.

- Was it eight? - I mean, geez,

I thought lesbians, like, eloped to Portland

after the first date.

Okay. You need to update your lesbian stereotypes.

Also, reminder, I'm bisexual.

And those women weren't even lesbians. They're straight.

- Huh. - They're straight?

H-How... How does that even work?

I mean, pretty easily.

Women in college all want to explore,

and I provide a first-class quality experience.

I'm discrete, I take the lead, and they have an amazing time.

And the best part is, I get to forget them

and they never, like, ever forget me.

You're a monster.

Well, I... I think that

the s-services you're providing are great.

You're like the Ritz-Carlton of the lesbian experience.

- I like that. - But, you know,

if you could go over to their place

a few nights in the week,

that would be much appreciated.

Sure. Done.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Yeah.

Starting tomorrow.

- Okay. - Totally.

Making progress.

Yo, Torres.

What's up with that petty-ass Venmo request

for pizza toppings from the other night?

Oh, I'd never put pineapple on pizza,

- so I'm not gonna pay for it. - Oh.

So, not only are you cheap, you have a deprived palate?

Oh, please do not do that thing that people do

when you haven't tried something and they overreact.

- I'm not gonna do that, okay? - Thank you.

I was just gonna say that I cannot believe

you've never had pineapple on pizza.

- It's like you've not lived yet. - I'm living right now,

and my life is totally fine without hot fruit in it.

Okay, well, I feel sad for you, honestly.

You want a ride?

No, no. I don't do scooters.

They're the pineapple pizza of transportation.

What? The...

Oh, man. Wow. Fix your life, girl. Please.

- Okay. - Whoa.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. - It's not funny.

I'm gonna be late for class.

- Can I just... - Fix your life!

♪ Yeah ♪

Twerk Burger. What that mouth do?

- Huh? - Oh, my God.

Damn, I can go for a Twerk Burger right now.

Mm. They got that Twerky sauce.

Look, it's hard to deny the goodness

that is the Double D meal at Twerk Burger,

but as a civilized society, we have to agree

that this commercial is pandering trash...

But what that mouth do?

Aimed at the lowest common denominator.

Sorry.

And with that, I will see you all next class.

I don't know, guys.

Is it pandering?

Or is it a company knowing its audience?

Horny 19-year-olds, wildly attractive young men

who, for whatever reason, can't find love with a woman,

but can always find it between the patties of a Twerk Burger.

- Ain't that right, ma? - Bitch, I will slap you.

Okay, the point is that, it's just patriarchal,

toxic, male fantasy crap.

Says the biggest misogynist in the room.

I'm a woman. I can't be a misogynist.

- Hey, Professor Hewson? - Yeah?

Hi. Quick question.

Can a woman be a misogynist?

Well, I guess if she's actively working against her own gender.

But, uh, I don't know, I'd have to have context.

Well, how about a woman that's running through ladies

like she's a fourth member of Migos?

Well, that wasn't me looking for context.

Um, but I-I think that it has less to do

with the amount of women and more about why

she's running through them like the Migos.

But, you know, you have to unpack the motivation a bit.

Anyway, you all know my office hours.

Don't feel like you have to use them.

I'm not a misogynist.

Yeah, of course you're not, because a misogynist,

by definition, hates women, and Nomi does nothing

but love women loudly and repetitively in our apartment.

- Yes. - Well, misogynist or not,

she's acting like a gross,

womanizing, yacht-riding Leo DiCaprio in a wrap skirt.

Hey, I don't see what the big deal is.

Nobody gives guys crap for running through girls.

That's because for dudes,

there's nothing really behind it.

- It is what it is. - It's just fun busting nuts.

Exactly. Thank you. It's just fun.

All three of you are monsters.

Especially you.

Esp... Why? Because women aren't allowed

to enjoy busting nuts?

No, it's because you're a woman who's exclusively

busting whatever with straight women.

Oh.

Is someone mad 'cause they were too sloppy

to remember our drunken kiss last year?

- Huh? - Wait. They kissed last year?

- Yep. - Nomi, please.

- Wow. - This is about you presenting yourself

as some enlightened feminist

when you're turning and burning straight girls like a dude.

Or lovingly appreciating women.

And although they identify as straight,

we all know sexuality is a spectrum.

Yo, I hate to side with Ana on this,

I really do, but smashing only one type of person

is like a dude targeting virgins.

It's low-key problematic.

Actually, it's high-key problematic.

- And predatory. - And pre...

Okay, so now I'm a misogynistic predator.

You know, screw this. I'm out of here.

What if we all just agreed to love and respect women equally?

♪ YesAllWomen.

Remember we all went to a march together,

wore our hats, made a sign.

It had a pun on it.

_

Guys, come on.

It's Korean hand mask and weed brownie Thursday.

I'm up for a Korean hand mask.

- No. - You're right.

So, my roommates are still fighting,

but I'm trying to get back to glitter masks

and indica brownies,

because between all of the exfoliation and great sleep,

I'm glowing.

But now it's time for me to hop into other people's business

and fix this.

Well, you don't have to spend

your night out with a "predator."

About that... um, I know what Ana said

- was upsetting and rude... - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And not to make any sort of excuses for her,

but I feel like we should take into consideration

the fact that she's never really lived with anyone

- who's so radically different from her. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You know what?

I actually didn't come here to talk about this.

I just want to be mad right now and get drunk enough

to maybe sucker punch a freshman.

Fair point. And, well,

t-that sounds like a great idea.

Why don't you grab a table, I'll get some drinks,

look for an unsuspecting freshman?

Find a way home.

- Oh! - Heck, yeah. Here we go.

- Thank you, sir. - Really, Aaron?

- Really? - Come on, look,

you've had a tough day. Let me make your life better,

- please. - Uh, you can make it better

by keeping that contradiction away from me.

- Will you just try it? - No.

Look, I know you like trying new stuff.

Like, uh, when you sucked homegirl's face.

- Hey-o! - Oh!

- Wow! - Yeah. Wait, wait.

What was that about?

Are you out here Janelle Monáe-ing in these streets?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, my gosh, you guys.

It was one time, I was really drunk,

and I'd never done it before, so I was like, "Why not?"

- Sure. - Girl, your "Never Have I Ever" list

is long and sad:

never skinny-dipped, never worn a turtleneck,

never seen a doctor who's not your pediatrician.

- Never worn a turtleneck? - What? You know what?

Don't sit here acting like

I'm the only one that hasn't done stuff.

This one over here has never shotgunned a beer.

- That's true. That's weird. - I've never...

You haven't done that yet.

And that's mostly embarrassing, because you've actually

been in college a year longer than all of us have.

- Right? - That's so true! I forgot!

- Whatever. - Ohh!

I've never gotten white-girl wasted.

- What?! - What?!

- Really? - No, you haven't.

I never let the haters get to me. Mm!

- All right. - Well, maybe you should.

Yeah.

Okay, wait, wait. So, that's what we're gonna do tonight, guys.

We are all gonna do something

we have never done before. Yeah?

- Okay. - Yep. Cheers to that.

- Cheers to that! - Cheers to that!

I'm in!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in! - It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

All right, Torres, you're up first.

- No, that's not fun. - What that mouth do?

- It'll be fun. - Come on.

Ew.

- Yay! - Delicious.

Oh, hey, Zoey? This is Angela.

She got stood up by some dumb Tinder guy.

I should've known better.

His profile said he's CEO of "Me Industries."

Oof. Well, dumb Tinder guy messed up,

because you are killing it in that blue sweater.

Thank you. It's actually "cerulean."

And anytime I wear it, I feel like...

Anne Hathaway in "The Devil Wears Prada"?

Yes! Oh, my God.

That is one of my favorite movies ever.

Yeah, because it's cinematic perfection.

I personally like "Princess Diaries"

as my favorite Anne Hathaway movie.

While I sat there sipping my second Midori Sour,

feeling like the third wheel, I watched Nomi in action.

Her small talk wasn't like the small talk guys do with girl.

She connected with them in a way only a woman could.

Oh, my God. I dated a dude just like that.

Like, total gas-lighting dick.

- Thank you. - Mnh-mnh.

- He made me feel like I was crazy. - No.

She was insightful, practically psychic,

funny, and charismatic.

She had that thing that makes you feel like

you're the only person she wants to be with.

But I knew the truth.

This wasn't the only person she wanted to be with,

which is what made Nomi's superpower so dangerous.

- And I feel like... Oh. - Hey, sorry to interrupt...

Um, but I think I'm gonna head out.

- You coming with? - No, you're good, you're good.

Anyway, I was...

Sometimes when it feels like...

So, this is what she meant by sucker punching a freshman.

Hmm.

3, 2, 1, go!

Oh, my God!

Mmm.

- Ew! - Oh!

- Whoo! - What'd it feel like?

♪ Baby, I might compare you ♪

♪ To a kiss from a rose on the gray ♪

♪ Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

As I struggle to eat my Double Twerky with cheese

while wearing Korean hand masks,

anticipating an exciting evening

of experimenting with my new Fenty highlighters,

I was trying not to be too judgmental

about Nomi's behavior.

But seeing her in action, I found myself

definitely drifting into the judgy territory.

Hey, Nomi? Can we talk for a second?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Thank you.

Just... I'll be right back.

What's up?

So, it seems like you and Angela really hit it off.

Oh, yeah, we did. She's, um...

She's a Capricorn but like a Scorpio rising,

so, uh, I'm in for a wild night.

Okay. But what about after that?

In for a wild tomorrow?

Dude, are you, like, on some Ana bullshit or something?

No, it just feels like you draw these women in,

because you obviously know how they think and feel.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, that's kind of the point.

Right. But... it feels unfair,

like you have some sort of cheat codes or something.

So? What, are you... you faulting me

'cause I have, like, better game than a dude, or...?

No, G... I'm for sure not faulting you for that.

So, that girl's only in my room

'cause she wants to be in my room.

All right, great.

Well, then, if that's the case, why don't you go in there

and tell her that you're gonna ghost her tomorrow?

Dumb Tinder guy just texted me.

- Uh-huh. - Apparently, his deejay class got out late.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you know, it could take a while

to learn how to push buttons and yell,

"You already know what it is!"

Um... I wanna be up front with you.

I'm not really looking for anything serious.

And, uh, the chances of me calling you tomorrow,

or ever, are slim.

Uh...

Sounds good to me.

It's not like I was looking to take you home

to Mom and Dad or anything.

Yeah.

Right.

It's been the best night of my life.

I didn't know my voice had the ability

- to capture an audience like that. - Yeah, man.

- I know. - See?

Felt like I was being held captive.

That's funny.

- Good night! - See you guys.

Night, dude.

Still haven't ridden one of those things.

Well, then, our work here isn't done.

- Come on. - Okay.

Okay, hold on.

All right.

It is not that fast, yo.

Safe and sound.

Thank you.

Thanks for the ride.

No prob.

Vivek wasn't wrong. This...

- This was a pretty great night. - Yeah.

And I suppose the pineapple was okay, too.

- Oh, just okay? - Whatever, dude.

- You ate nine pieces. - Okay, then,

I guess I'm not always right about everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I, uh, better head out.

Okay.

I'm gonna Venmo request you about this ride, too.

- Don't think I'm not. - Hey, what's fair is fair.

- All right, good night. - Good night.

What the hell?

Okay.

- Now, it's a perfect night. - How did the thing just stop?

You probably just turned it on wrong.

- Oh, so now you're an expert? - Yeah.

You know, there's one more thing I haven't done before.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

What's that?

Come on in.

- Hey. - Hey.

I took your advice. Yeah, I was honest with her.

And?

She was still down to hook up.

Well, that... that's good.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, until she said she had no plans

of taking me home to her mom and dad.

But that's what you wanted, right?

Yeah.

I think so. I don't know.

I did, until she said that,

and then it just, like... it kind of messed me up.

So, you telling me you caught real feelings for this girl,

- by any chance? - No. No, I did not catch feeling for her.

I just... I think that,

it's, like, when she said to me

what I've been saying to all these other girls...

suddenly, everything felt really, um, wrong.

- Yeah. - So, now what?

- As much as I wished I did... - Um...

I didn't have any answers for Nomi,

so I just listened.

And the next day,

Nomi decided to sit down with someone

who could help her a little better than I could.

Well, hooking up with a bunch of girls

doesn't sound like compulsive behavior.

Sounds like college.

Okay, but as a gender studies professor,

what would you say about a girl who...

only hooks up with straight girls?

Hmm.

I would say, let's cut right through the bullshit

and talk gay woman to bi-woman.

- How did you know that? - I have good bi-dar.

Now, look, I went through a straight girl phase.

Mm-hmm.

And for me, it was about safety.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause there was no chance of anything ever getting serious.

Yes. No, exactly.

It's like, there's no relationship, so there's no feelings,

there's no bringing them back home at Thanksgiving

and be like, "Hey, Mom and Dad, here's my new girlfriend."

You know, and then they, like, spit Manischewitz

all over the table and...

So, then I take it your parents

are not okay with you being bi?

Um... the truth is, they don't know.

That's, um... That's the problem, isn't it?

- I'm not a therapist. - Mm-hmm.

But it made my life easier

when I started living openly and honestly.

Hmm.

So, maybe you start there

and just see how the rest of the stuff falls into place.

Yeah.

Okay, here's your bravery test.

Well, maybe not too big today.

How about just a little tree that lives right here?

Hey.

You look happier.

Yeah, it was cool. I mean, it was, like,

great to talk to somebody who kind of gets it, you know?

- Yeah, you know, I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go back and keep talking to her

- and make her, like, a Migos playlist. - Hmm. Quality.

Hmm? Oh.

I'm sorry I judged your choices.

Apparently, I'm not always right about everything.

So, while it was obvious that there was work to do

to get through the bigger issue,

those bigger issues helped put the smaller ones

into perspective.

Okay, be honest.

This dude, if he had corn rows, would you hit it?

- Yeah. - Yeah, right?

- The dude's soothing, so... - Why? Do you know him?

Do I know Bob Ross? No, I mean...

I... No, I don't. Sorry.

♪ No, no, there's no way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no way ♪

♪ I'm living without you ♪

- ♪ I'm not living without you ♪ - What the...?

Did you guys know they could do this?

Dude, I don't even think I've heard Sky speak before.

♪ I don't wanna be free ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm staying, I'm staying ♪

♪ And you and you and you ♪

Oh, my God. We can't. It's so embarrassing.

Oh, God. Okay.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com...

𝒯𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓉e 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉 E𝒩𝒢LI𝒮H