All language subtitles for The Millers s01e15 Betcha.eng

Human greatness.

How many people can truly say
that they're best at anything?

Michael Jordan... maybe
the best ever played basketball.

Steve Jobbs...
prehaps our greatest inovator.

But Leesburg is home true man whoose plays
in history will never be debated.

Barry Jorgensen is about
to break his own record

with his 60th tattoo
of actress Jennifer Garner.

Barry...
you're telling me that 59 tattoos

of Ben Affleck's wife
just wasn't enough, huh?

Well, you know, half of these
actually used to be Hilary Swank,

but she fell off real hard
after her second Oscar.

So I had them plump up the
lips, shave down the chin,

then bam, J. Garn.

That's a cut.

Sorry, I got a little nauseous.

Ooh. Yeah, what was it,

the J. Garn peeking
from under the armpit

of the one where his nipple made

- it look like she had a lazy eye?
- Oh, no...

I'm a little hungover, man.
My dad came in town.

You know when he comes through here,

it's always a whirlwind weekend.

Now, the Whirlwind
is a drink we made up.

You have to drink it out of the blender

while the blender's
still going. [laughs]

I almost lost my tongue twice.

Three times!
[laughs]

You know, I think it's
great that you can spend

so much time with your
dad. I can't do it.

It's like we've been on an
awkward first date for 42 years.

I mean, we... we can't even
get on the same page whether

- to hug or shake hands.
- Mm.

- One time he kissed me on the ear.
- Ooh! You'll figure it out.

All dads and sons have
something in common.

Know what I'm talking about, right?

I don't know.
My Dad and I are pretty different.

Wouldn't you say, Dad?

Yeah, totally.
I'm into Ozzy Osbourne.

Half of these used to be Penny Marshall,

but she fell off hard
after Laverne & Shirley.

1x15 - You Betcha

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

Well, we're off.

There's the happy travelers.
Excited for your big trip?

Oh! Over the moon.

This is the year's biggest conference
for vegan small business owners.

Was it hard to find a hotel that
could accommodate all ten of you?

The only hard part's gonna be leaving
our little princess for the first time.

You know, I don't care
what the invite says,

I still think we should bring her.

We could say that she's still
nursing... we'd be heroes.

Honey, we can't. She's
already missed two days

- of school for the bean festival.
- Ah, Legumapalooza.

That was fun. I got
Tobey Maguire's autograph.

Oh!

[mouthing]

- Hey.
- Hello!

Fret not, I'm here for the
weekend to tie your shoelaces,

slice up your food so you don't choke,
and get you to bed on time.

I'm also here to take care of Mikayla.

I cowrote that in the
car on the way over.

Don't worry, Dad, I'm
gonna zing Mom in a minute.

Mom, you didn't have to
bring groceries. We have food.

You have nuts and seeds and beans.

That's not dinner, that's
the bottom of a hamster cage.

And Mom knows a thing or
two about cooking dinner

'cause she does it all the time...
poorly. Zing!

I rushed it! Damn it!

You rushed it and left
everyone unsatisfied.

You get that from your dad.

And that's how you zing.

Mm!
All right, thanks again, Mom.

It's a comfort knowing
there'll be someone here

who won't go to the microwave
when the doorbell rings.

Tom, you can't drink
beer this time of day.

You're not a Kennedy.

Hey, listen, Dad, instead of
staying here and watching Mom

give all the plants alcohol poisoning,

why don't you come stay
with me this weekend?

No, I'm good. I'm not a
huge fan of indoor plants.

I don't sleep outside.

I don't know why they
get to come in here.

Right, but come on.
It'll be fun.

Look, I know that we haven't
always enjoyed the same things,

but maybe we haven't
been looking hard enough.

A little father/son bonding time, huh?

I guess that could be fun.

We're cut from the same cloth,
for crying out loud.

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm
more of a cotton twill,

and you're kind of a poly blend,

but sure, we're from
the same fabric store.

- We're not gonna sew, are we?
- No.

Then I'm in. We'll find
something in common.

Of course we will!
Come on! Let's do this!

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh.
- Oh, right.

Come Monday, we'll
have this nailed, huh?

Oh.

[detector beeping]
Mm, I'm picking up on something.

Sounds like a coin.

[detector beeping faster]

Oh, damn it, it's just my shoes again.

Next time, remind me not
to wear penny loafers.

"Next time," that's cute.

You know, we just haven't
gotten to the fun part yet,

opening our treasure.
Ah...

Matchbox car, half a doorknob,

and a cover to the battery
compartment of a metal detector.

Oh. That's where it went.

I'm never gonna get
you excited about this, am I?

No, no, no, you know what, Dad?
I-I can try harder.

Maybe my mistake was being sober.

Well, we could do your thing...
go back to the gym.

- I could try to finish that sit-up.
- Really? You'd do that?

No, I don't think I could show
my face in there again after that fart.

In the steam room.

- It's probably still there.
- Aw...

I mean, come on, there's gotta
be something that we both enjoy.

Ooh, I forgot!

My Civil War buttons
and bullet collection

is soaking in the kitchen.

We can polish 'em up,
sort 'em by rank and regiment.

Cool!
Just bring a lot of booze back.

Whoo!
No time for pleasantries, Nate.

Gotta watch the soccer match.

My damn Wi-Fi been on the
fritz ever since I broke

up with that chick that
works at the Internet.

Hey, Ray.
Nathan, I lost a bullet down your sink.

Be careful not to shoot yourself
when you turn on the disposal.

Keep it down, Tom. I'm
having a hard time focusing.

The announcer's speaking in Bantu.

Soccer?
How can you watch that?

- It's so boring.
- When you got $300 on the game.

If the blue team beats the red team,
I'll finally have my Botox money.

Black don't crack, but it sags.

So we're rooting for blue, huh?

Wait... what do you mean, "we"?
I thought you hated sports.

I do, but Ray's way of
watching makes more sense

to me because there's an actual
reason to care which color wins.

You know what? Maybe gambling
is something we can do together.

Plus you said that you've been looking
for a reason to like blue again.

Yeah, your mother's varicose veins
really turned me off of that color.

But I'd be willing to give it a shot.

- But the game already started.
- Ray, what do you say?

Come on. The game's
still nothing-nothing.

Can we each have a third of your bet?

Like, a hundred bucks
each on the blue team.

I don't know, man.
Might be bad luck to split a bet.

- Commentator: Goal!
- No, damn it!

Come on, Mawata Gana.
You're killing me, man!

You're freaking killing me!

Kick the damn ball!
Kick the damn ball!

Yeah, let's go ahead
and split this bet up.

This is yummy!

Of course it's yummy,
'cause Grandma made it.

Something's off.

Oh, no. No, no, no!
Stop eating. Stop eating.

You're eating the one with the meat.

And you don't eat meat.
Spit it out, spit it out.

You've got mine and I've got yours.

Oh, no. What was it?
Rabbit? Cat?!

- No, it was just beef, honey.
- I ate a horse?

No, it's cow.
The school system is failing you

- as much as your parents.
- What's gonna happen to me?!

Nothing. It was my fault,
but it was an honest mistake.

And no one needs to know about it,
especially your parents.

Okay.
I feel weird.

That's just your body converting
the protein into energy.

[commentator speaking Bantu]

Goal!

All: Goal!

Okay, okay, it's 4-4.
We gotta have a shootout.

Miss it, miss it, miss it!

- Oh!
- Okay, we're still alive.

We gotta make this one. Have to.

Our fate is in your hands,
Niameabutu Neskabara Lop-Lop.

Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it! get it!

Goal! Hey, why didn't
you guys say it with me?

They didn't score, Dad. We lost.

Has to go in the net every time?
Aw, man.

That's it. From now on, I'm only
betting on stuff I know about:

football and spelling bees.

Quick tip: Always bet on a Indian kid.

Hey, look, it's s a bummer,
but it was an exciting game, huh?

Fun way to spend a couple
of hours, right, Dad?

Dad?

We just lost $200 for nothing.

How could I be so stupid?

Let me pay for it. I'll
skip two haircuts this month.

I'm not letting my son pay my debts.

Come on. It was worth that much
just to have such a fun time with you.

It shouldn't cost $200
to have fun with somebody

unless there's a pretty woman involved.
Or two ugly ones.

Come on, Dad. We were
cheering, we chest bumped.

We never chest bump.

And now I know why.
You jammed all my pens into my boob.

It's like I have seven
blue nipples right now.

Dad, the only reason that I bet

was so that we could
have something in common.

- We do now: debt.
- Please, let me pay your share.

No, in fact, I have
to pay your share now.

- No. Why?
- Yeah.

Because you said that you never
would have bet if it wasn't for me.

Damn you, Niameabutu Neskabara Lop-Lop.

Here you go, Ray.
You're lucky I just went to the ATM

and my fat fingers hit too many zeroes.

Good-bye, 200 items
off the dollar menu.

Double burger, gone!
Senior coffee, gone!

Apple turnover that burns
the roof of your mouth, gone!

Vanilla milkshake that soothes
the roof of your mouth, gone!

Admit it... your dad
eats a lot of junk food.

Believe me, you don't want to
be with him in a steam room.

[yawns]

[sighs]

Honey...

- Morning, Grandma!
- Morning, sweetie.

Do you want to talk about
what happened last night?

Did something happen last night?
I don't remember anything.

You don't remember diving face-first
into a plate of meat lasagna?

Hmm.
Were my arms out like this?

Because if they were, that
means I was sleepwalking.

I see. Okay.

So...
what do you want to do today?

Go to the park?

The movies?

Sweetheart, are you sure
you don't want to talk about

what happened last night?

[crying]

Oh, sweetie, don't cry.

- You're not in trouble.
- No, it's not that.

It's just...
meat tastes so good!

Yeah, that's why it's so popular.

How am I gonna tell my
parents I'm a meat-eater?

Well, sweetie...
just tell 'em.

Now that you're eating meat,
even if they get upset,

you can probably just overpower them.

[detector beeping slowly]

- Out the way, Tom!
- I'm looking for change.

Well, I can't see the dog show.

And I bet 100 bucks on a dog
that looks like a mop.

Oh, shoot, I think I
might've just bet on a mop!

[detector beeping faster]

[beeping rapidly]

It's wrapped in tinfoil.
Don't ask.

Hey, Dad.
Check it out.

I got us two tickets to the
big Civil War memorabilia show

in DC today. They're gonna
open up a can of potted meat

that's been sealed since 1860.

I can't go.
Not until I earn back the $200 I lost.

Oh, and, uh, say hi
to the John Wilkes Booth

impersonator for me.
Don't shake his hand, though.

He's a nose-picker.

[door closes]

[sighs] Aw, crap.

Dad and I are missing
out on a great afternoon

'cause he's still obsessed
with the stupid money he lost.

You're lucky you didn't go
halfsies on this dog with me.

Oh, I see the stick now.
I bet on a damn mop!

Hey.
What are you doing here?

Oh, there were certain things I needed

that Debbie didn't have in her fridge.

Mikayla's expanding
her culinary horizons.

Oh, wow, meatballs.

It's like cookie dough
but made out of a beast.

Oh, my God. Mom!

- It was an accident.
- Well, it's not a big deal.

If there's one thing
we know about vegans,

it's they got a pretty good sense
of humor about stuff like this.

So how are things going
with you and your dad?

- Find anything in common yet?
- No, not yet.

No matter how desperate you get,
just do not have a baby with him.

It won't help.

Man... look at that.

I spent 300 bucks on this
stupid Civil War belt buckle.

I was gonna surprise my Dad

and let him wear it to
the memorabilia show.

Sell it and give him the cash,

so he can stop looking
for treasure in my pants.

Did you wrap it in tinfoil again?

It helps with my Wi-fi signal.

I tried to give him money,
but he won't take it.

Wait a second.

This is worth more than
he lost on the stupid bet.

And it's metal, so he can find it.
All I gotta do is plant it somewhere.

Oh, my God.
Pork is delicious.

And they come with handles.

[detector beeping slowly]

[detector beeping faster]

[detector beeping rapidly]

Yeah, put me down for
50 on the Indian kid.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

And 20 on the Chinese kid to show.

There he is.

The proud hunter returning
home from the hunt.

How was it out there?

I call it a good day.
Almost four dollars in change.

And one real treasure.

A harmonica!
And it works.

Tom, don't put that nasty-ass
harmonica in your mouth.

[plays chord]

- What was that?
- I think it was a hobo's tooth.

Dad, come on.
That harmonica was all you found?

Yep.
It's a hobo's tooth.

I think he might've had
a crystal meth problem.

You didn't find any accessories?
Like, say, I don't know...

maybe a buckle that
might keep a belt buckled?

Like, for instance, a belt buckle?

How did you know I found a belt buckle?

Because I put it there.
Where is it?

- I threw it away.
- You threw it away?!

How could you throw
away the belt buckle?

I'm anti-belt.
Just get pants that fit.

If you lose a little weight,

just cinch it up with a
rope and a little latch.

That's a belt!

[crashing]

[lift whirring]
[beeping]

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Stop'
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Turn off tha machine!
- Wait!

- I can't her you!
- Hey!

- People in here!
- Hey!

Put us back down!
Oh by god!

That was wild.

[engine rumbling]

But we'll never find that belt buckle.

Dad, we're stuck in a trash truck.

We got bigger problems than the buckle.

Aah!

Just felt something
crawl around my ankle.

Probably a rat. I hate rats!

Of course you hate rats.
Who likes rats?

Scientists, cats...

Watch out!
If you hadn't tried to trick

me, none of this would've happened.

Look, if you'd just
let me pay off your bet,

then I wouldn't have had to try
to trick you in the first place!

[squeaking] Get back.
Get back.

- I never asked for your charity.
- Look, you're my dad.

I can't just sit back
and let you suffer.

Why couldn't you just accept
my help when I offered it?

Because I am your dad!

You aren't supposed to bail me out,
I'm supposed to bail you out!

- Look out!
- No, Dad, get behind me.

- No, you get behind me.
- Dad, get behind me.

- No, get behind me!
- Get-get...

Look at us, Dad.

Look at us, we're just
trying to save each other.

It's like we're both hardwired
to be the protector in this family.

I think that's why I couldn't sit back
and let you suffer about the bet.

That's the same reason I
couldn't take your money.

You already help your
sister, and now your mom...

I don't want to be
another person you help.

I want to be the guy
that everyone depends on.

I think I want that, too.

Hey, something in common.
We found it.

- Hey!
- Hey!

We both went for the hug!

[laughs]

[rustling, squeaking]

We both may be
protectors at heart,

but I'm still your dad
and it's my job to save you.

No!
No, Dad, don't go down there!

It's probably what it wants you to do.

[chittering, squeaking]

- Dad, was it a big rat?
- A normal-sized rat.

But the thing that ate it was huge.

[squeaking]

And one for our little broccolini.
There.

Yeah, Dad, about the hat...

Guys, Mikayla has something
she needs to share with you.

And you need to have
an open mind about it,

and love your daughter
no matter what.

Well... honey, what is it?

You know you can tell us anything.

Adam: Yeah, there's no
secrets in this family.

Okay?
We're the Broccoli Bunch.

Mom...
Dad...

- I...
- You what, honey?

I was twirling my baton in my room,
even though you said not to,

and broke my music box.

Debbie: Well, you know you're
not supposed to do that.

But we're really proud of you
for being honest.

It's such a grown-up thing to do.

And you do look grown-up.

I swear, it looks like you
grew an inch while we were gone.

Well, we should go out.

We've got a lot of blood to
wash off the front of the car.

Ironically, we hit a cow
on the highway coming home.

- What happened, kid?
- They weren't ready.

They gave me a stupid broccoli hat,
for crying out loud!

Well...

you're a thoughtful girl,
and I'm proud of you.

And just so you know...

Grandma's always got a little beef
jerky in the bottom of her purse.

And in her bedside table.

And in her glove compartment.

No, I ate that.
Never mind.

- Now come on.
- Where are we going?

We gotta go smash up a music box.

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