Original subtitles

I don't know if I'm a bracelet kind of guy, Ray.

I feel like a bassist in a Christian rock band.

Trust me.

Ladies love when you accessorize.

And you picked a nice one, too.

Definitely the most masculine one your sister had.

Come on, let's get out of here before my mom starts asking a million questions.

You a grown ass man... you tell her the truth.

You haven't had sex since the divorce

and your buddy Ray is taking you out to get your beak wet.

She's already way too involved in my eating habits and my sleeping habits.

I don't need her involved in my mating habits.

[rock drums playing nearby]

Nathan, do you hear those drums?

That boy next door is at it again.

I need my pot.

Carol, you hit the pot?!

Oh, yeah.

I hit it. I hit it hard.

It's the only way I can cope with the noise coming from next door.

Well, that's disappointing.

Thought I had just found my new planetarium buddy.

Let's do this, Brandon.

[loud clanging]

Oh, man.

Mom, Mom, that is not helping.

It sounds like you're calling in the ranch hands for supper.

[rock drums continue]

Oh, don't you look spiffy with your man bracelet.

Where are you two headed, Spain?

No, we're going out and that's all you need to know.

[rock drums continue]

I can do this all night, Brandon.

[loud clanging]

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Okay, so, Dad, Adam and I will be back by 11:00 at the latest.

Emergency numbers are by the phone.

Oh, and remember, all the cabinets are childproof,

so if you really need something, Mikayla knows how to open them.

You're acting like I've never done this before.

No, I'm acting like you have done this before, Dad.

The last time you babysat Mikayla, you let her drive the car.

She beat me in Monopoly and that was the bet.

Dad, please just keep my daughter alive until we get home. Okay?

Adam and I really need a night to ourselves.

Okay, hon, I'm ready when you are.

Oh, nice hat.

Are you doing bald or are you going blind?

Hey, Clark, you're not going to believe this, but Superman just left.

Ah... yeah, that's very funny.

I don't think you look like Clark Kent, honey.

I think you look like the city's most well-read pimp.

[both laughing] That was good.

Hey, come on. We always say it's not mean if it's funny.

No, you always said that and I always just put on a big smile to mask my pain.

Let's go to the movies.

Hey, Clark, if you need to change, there's a phone booth on Maple.

What's a pimp?

Oh, well...

Do you know what a prostitute is?

I'm sorry, I don't know how it got so tangled.

It's just so crowded in here.

You're not ready to accessorize, amateur.

Hey, man, your...

Nate, you're not going to believe this.

Remember earlier when we were talking about

how much we like the names Beth and Leah?

Yes.

Look who I met waiting in line for the bathroom.

She's Beth and I'm Leah.

I'm Beth and she's Leah.

[laughing]

Got it. Yeah, gosh, what are the chances, huh?

BOTH: I know.

And the coincidences don't end there.

Ray told me you ran a 5K last weekend to fight cancer.

Did you run it, too?

No. But I hate cancer.

- No way! - Yes.

It's so bad for you.

It "liter-arily" does nothing good for the world.

Like, why is it even a thing? Seriously?!

Wait, oh, my gosh, you guys.

I love this song.

Me, too. Are we separated at birth or something?

I doubt it. Aren't you black?

Let's dance.

Okay, are we going to do our routine?

Hey, we didn't watch Magic Mike 12 times for nothing.

Break it down.

[grunting]

Why are we leaving the room?

Turn around, turn around.

And we're back. We're back. Yeah.

[quietly]: Okay, it's cool.

I think my roommate's asleep.

Sorry I lost and we had to come to your apartment.

Shh. That's okay. That's okay.

Do you and Leah make all your decisions by leg wrestling?

LEAH AND BETH: One... two... three...

go!

[woman grunting]

Ow!

Ah, stop it.

Who's winning?

We are.

Let's go upstairs.

Ooh, are you afraid your roommate will see us and want to join in?

That's not funny even as a joke.

[Beth laughing]

So, sorry about this, it's just your shoes were very loud.

I love it. I feel like I'm back in high school

sneaking off to make out with the vice principal.

Okay.

[Beth laughs]

[all screaming]

What are you doing in here?

I came in here to get away from the drumming.

I guess I fell asleep.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were having company.

This is... Leah.

- Beth. - Beth.

Short for Lizbethany.

My mother didn't know whether she should

name me Elizabeth or Stephanie, so she did both.

I'm Carol. Just Carol.

My mother was Depression era.

They never took more than they needed.

So, how do you guys know each other?

Oh, um, well, Carol and I met in the, um...

in the hospital.

Um...

Carol's... Carol's my mother.

My roommate is my mother.

She moved in after my parents got divorced.

I hope you got some money, girl.

[laughs]

Well, okay, you kids have some fun.

Just so you know, my room is that way.

So anything that this headboard does against that wall, is no biggie.

Okay, yeah, thanks. Good night, Mom.

- Thanks. Thanks very much. - Aw...

Your mom seems super nice.

Now, let's see that ding-dong.

Oh, yeah, you know what? I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't think this is going to happen now.

My mom is right across the hall.

So? You didn't mind when she was right across the hall

when we first came in here. What's the diff?

But now she knows what's going on. It's weird.

Who cares if it's weird?

I'm into weird.

[laughs]

No, you know what, I'm sorry, it's still warm from where she was laying.

I'm sorry, I-I can't do this. You gotta go.

I'm so sorry. You gotta go right now.

Seriously? Why?

Because the longer we're in here, the more time we have

to do what it is that she thinks we're doing.

Mom?

Mom?

Beth's leaving. She wanted to say good-bye.

Lizbethany's already leaving?

And I didn't even get to see his ding-dong.

Okay.

Well, I just wanted to let you know

she's only been here for a short amount of time

- and you'll probably never see her again. - Hey.

Or you'll see her all the time.

I mean...

You know, I mean, I'm obviously serious enough

about her to bring her back to the house.

Yay.

That, or it'll just be one of those things

where you go on a few dates and it doesn't work out.

Or it does. Who know? But, uh, too early to tell.

All we've done is kiss. It didn't mean anything.

Or everything. You know, who knows? All right, good night.

[door closes]

He ran her out of the house so fast you could hear the wind whistling

through her empty little head.

I think Nathan might be having issues having sex with me in the house.

That's the big emergency I had to drop everything and meet you here for?

Now I'll never know where those ants were taking that grape.

This is serious, Tom.

Where did he get these sexual hang-ups?

When Nathan was a teenager and you gave him the sex talk,

was he awkward about it?

What sex talk?

Tom, you're kidding.

You never sat Nathan down and told him about the birds and the bees?

Well, I was confused.

I thought you just wanted me to find out if he'd had sex yet.

I asked, he hadn't so we finished our game of Connect Four.

He won in four moves.

Went straight up.

I never saw it coming.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

No wonder he's having problems.

Oh, calm down... it's not like

he didn't figure out how everything works.

The sex talk isn't just educational.

It's about creating a dialogue with your child so that the subject of sex

isn't taboo in front of their parents.

What's the big deal?

So what if he doesn't want to have sex in front of his mother.

Hell, even when we had sex I preferred you facing the other way.

You're not getting it.

We have a problem here, Tom.

If Nathan's not comfortable bringing women home

with me there, how is he ever going to find a wife

and give us our grandchildren Dale and Candace?

He's not naming his kids after your childhood poodles.

They were springer spaniels.

Get it straight before you shoot it down.

We need to sit Nathan down and have an open discussion about sex.

All right, but you're the leader of this discussion.

And, uh, remind me, with the birds and the bees, which one's got the wiener?

Stop it. No.

No, you are not seriously going to sit down

and talk about sex with your 42-year-old son.

Yep.

Oh, this is amazing.

Oh, my God. Oh.

I hope I have enough memory on my phone to film all this.

Does Nathan know this is happening?

No. I told Adam to take Mikayla to a friends'

and Ray is bringing him over.

Debbie, get out while you can.

Remember the drug talk?

Your mother took Ecstasy to teach you kids about the dangers of drugs.

She wound up in her underwear chasing a dog she thought was Neil Diamond.

I never took drugs. It was a Tic Tac.

I'm just an incredible actress.

Well, I'm staying.

I wouldn't miss this for anything.

- Miss what? - Nothing.

Just... think I can see better from over here.

CAROL: Uh, Nathan, honey, we'd like to talk to you.

Oh, you know what, can we do it later?

We're just here to pick up Adam and go shoot some hoops.

There's not gonna be any basketball today.

Your family's concerned about something, and...

we need to talk to you about a delicate subject.

Okay. Look, I see what's going on here.

You think I'm on steroids.

I get this all the time. I-I assure you, it's just diet and exercise

and clothes that accentuate that diet and exercise.

He has no idea what's happening here.

[laughs, clears throat] Sorry, just go ahead

with your sex talk. [Clears throat]

What?

After the other night, it's clear you're uncomfortable around me

when it comes to sex.

TOM: Your mother is forcing us all to have an open, mature discussion

about our pee-pees and our hoo-hoos.

In this bag are a variety of sexual topics.

Each of us will take turns pulling out a slip of paper

so that no one has to be embarrassed

about coming up with a subject on their own.

Well, you guys are all insane, so that's not happening.

Let's go, Ray. Sorry about this.

No! We're not going anywhere.

Your mom just wants you to be open.

Maybe you should read him your letter.

You knew about this?

"Dear Nathan...

[crying]: "this is the hardest letter."

"I've ever had to write because you're more than my wingman,

"you're my wings... man."

"But your sexual hang-ups are affecting me "in the following ways."

"When you sent your date..."

[crying]: Can't do it. I can't do this.

Give it, give it to me!

[sobbing]

"When you sent your date home because of your mother,

"she interrupted me and her roommate, and...

"this girl had a badonk-adonk that just wouldn't quit.

"When she took off her pants, her thong looked like.

"James Franco's arm caught between two boulders..."

"...and I wanted to be stuck there for 127 hours.

"Then when I thought I'd seen it all,

she winked at me with her..." Oh, my stars.

Well, now this drawing makes sense.

Um...

Basically, Nathan, you ruined his night.

Yeah, well, by driving me here, he's ruined mine.

So we're even, Ray. I'm walking home.

Good-bye, everybody.

We're doing this.

Adam?

Hey, buddy, the whole family's gone nuts.

You still want to play some basketball?

Adam?

Adam?

[all panting]

We're doing this.

Fine, I'll give you ten minutes, but only 'cause I think

all this running around is gonna give Dad a heart attack.

Thank you. I think I just saw my dad calling me from the end of the sidewalk.

Oh, good, Adam's back, just in time to join the game.

I don't mind breaking the ice and going first.

Let's see which sexual topic we'll discuss.

Oh, please be hand-holding.

Uh...

"Self-pleasuring."

[others groan]

Okay. Um, uh, I know that self-pleasuring is fairly common.

Uh, show of hands?

[laughs]: Okay, uh...

I-I know for me, I like to close my eyes

and think of Valentine's Day.

Or Josh Groban.

Uh... Ray, do you have a preferred method?

I usually leave my eyes open so I can see the movie.

[soft groan] Oh, boy, okay, well...

should we move on to the next topic?

Actually, I'd like to stay on the topic of pornography.

Oh. Okay, well, jumping right in.

And what do you like to strum your banjo to, big fella?

Uh, no, no, no. Actually, I'm not really into porn.

Debbie's the banjo strummer in this family.

- What?! - Yeah, that's right.

I know that you rented all those dirty movies.

The charges were all over the cable bill.

Adam, I don't know what you're talking about.

Really? You don't remember buying a movie called Fifty Shades of Fedora?

Ooh, that movie is hot!

And that's coming from a guy who's only seen the first four minutes.

Look, I thought maybe you had a thing for fedoras.

That's why I bought this stupid hat in the first place.

But obviously, I am not fedorable enough for you.

Stop it already. It was me... I rented Fifty Shades of Fedora.

Well, mystery solved.

And lunch vomited.

Wait, wait, wait a second, Tom.

You could barely turn the TV on.

How did you manage to crack the parental code and order a movie?

When properly motivated I can figure things out.

[others groan]

It was research. I'm single again.

I wanted to see what people are up to.

Oh, Tom, you'll be fine.

It's like riding a bike.

Well, that's just it, before Carol, I'd been on only two other Schwinns:

Dottie Schwinn and her cousin Rebecca.

[others groan]

Excuse me?

You were with two other people?

You told me I was your first.

Of course I did... I was trying to get in your overalls.

Debbie, I am so sorry.

Can I speak to you in the kitchen for a second?

Oh, my gosh!

- Whoa! - We've been so mad at each other,

we haven't been together in, like, four days! [Kissing]

I know. If Nathan pulled one more topic out of that bag, I was gonna burst.

"Oral."

Good-bye, everybody.

We're done here. Nothing wrong with me.

Then why can't you have sex with someone while I'm in the house?

Uh, 'cause I'm normal.

Normal? Since I've been living there,

that is the only woman you've brought home?

You don't know that... maybe I've been sneaking 'em in and out.

Impossible. I check on you several times a night to make sure you're breathing.

Look at your sister... she doesn't have any hang-ups.

Yeah, but she's married... she can do whatever she wants,

and you're not gonna judge her the same way that you judge me.

Judge you? Nathan, why would you think I would judge you?

Because I was gonna have cheap, meaningless sex, and never see that woman again.

You don't know that. Love can strike...

There was no love. We had nothing in common.

Literarily, nothing in common.

Look, Mom, I know how you feel about sex...

it's between two people who are in love.

Come on, you've only had sex with one man in your whole life. I respect that.

But sometimes it's a little hard to live up to

when you're single and 42 years old.

Thirty-six.

What?

Thirty-six.

Wait, wait a second, are you telling me

that I'm six years younger than I think I am? That would...

that would make total sense.

I mean, my skin is so supple.

When I met your father, I lied.

I've slept with 36 people.

- Whoa. - What?!

You've had sex with 36 men?

35 men.

It was the '60s... the only people

who weren't getting it on were dorks like your father.

I wasn't a dork!

I had a honeybee hive that demanded all my attention!

M-Mom, you married Dad when you were 20... that means...

It was the Summer of Love.

Everyone was having sex to make a statement, and I had a lot to say.

You are unbelievable!

What else did you lie about?

Are you actually pleasant to be around?

I can't believe that all these years I've been tiptoeing around

the subject of sex only to find out that Mommy did Dallas.

I didn't plan on sharing that information, Nathan,

but you had me up on a moral pedestal,

and if that's where all your problems were coming from,

you needed to know the truth.

Yeah, well, thanks, but next time feel free to lie a little.

I mean, 36 people... that's enough to field

four different baseball teams!

We could hold a tournament.

I guess we all know what first prize would be.

Okay, enough.

But... does it help you to know?

[sighs]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

it actually kind of does.

I feel like a big weight's been lifted off my shoulders...

and put right onto Dad.

I should probably go check on him.

Thirty-six!

Okay, Carol...

let me ask you a question.

We're all being open and honest.

What's your real number?

One.

I knew it.

Anybody with numbers that high loses track after 30.

You're not gonna tell on me, are you?

Nah. You're a good mom.

You're a liar... [laughs] but you're a good mom.

NATHAN: Ray, looks like we're gonna have some company tonight.

Apparently, I have some catching up to do.

What do you say, Ray, want to hit the discoteque with us?

Whoa, Tom.

Slow down. You don't want to get out there and look like a fool now, okay?

Don't worry, Dad, we'll make sure you look good.

I can't believe we were actually gonna sleep with those guys.

I know.

I'll, like, wrestle you for the old dude.

Let's do this.

WOMEN: One, two, three, go! [Grunting]

[Carol panting]

Wrong bag.

You got the wrong bag.

[panting] Grandma needs the juice.

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