Original subtitles

(passengers cheering)

As you can see, motorists are

in a celebratory mood today

as the speed limit here on Willis Road

switches from 25 back to its original 30 miles an hour.

Nobody is more excited about this switch

than these two commuters.

It's a great day to be an American.

It sure is.

Boy, you two are adorable.

How long you been married?

She's not my wife.

She's my mother.

Sorry, it's just the... the...

the matching jackets threw me.

Mom, I told you people would think we were a couple!

Oh, boy.

Got to get my mom out of my house

or that's my future.

Me and my mom spooning on a giant trike.

(laughs)

Not enjoying living with your mom, huh?

Last night I had to teach her

how to search for things on the Internet.

- Okay, Mom, so this is Bing. - Uh-huh.

You just, you just type what you need in that little box there.

Ooh, this is so exciting!

(laughs)

"Hi, Bing.

My name is Carol Miller."

- Oh, no, no, no, you know what, you don't need to... - "I'm recently single

and living with my son, who is also recently divorced."

You just need a keyword, Mom.

There's nothing wrong with being polite.

"Sorry. That was my son.

Anyway, can you tell me

where a divorc�e in her early 60s

would go to purchase a... bikini wax?"

"PS... It has been a while."

And tomorrow, since she doesn't drive,

I get the pleasure of taking her

to a waxing establishment

called Rio de No Hairo.

How about your sister... she can't take her?

I don't want to ask.

I mean, she's already got enough on her plate

with my dad living with her.

Debbie, you can't leave

the towels on the floor.

They get dirty and feel scratchy.

That's a rug, Dad.

Oh.

Never mind.

You know what?

I'll take your mom to her appointment.

- Seriously? - Yeah, I'm due for a waxing anyway.

If I don't get my feet done every couple of months,

I start to look like a black Hobbit.

My sister used to call me "Brodo."

Anyway, well... listen... I just can't wait

for this whole ordeal to be over, my parents to make up

and go back to Myrtle Beach.

Make up?

I thought they said they were getting divorced.

No. No, no.

My parents say they're gonna do lots of stuff,

and then back out when they find out how much it costs.

Uh, swimming pool, laser eye surgery,

Girl Scout cookies.

Besides they're living out of suitcases.

No, this whole thing's done in a couple weeks, tops.

My stuff finally got here.

It's official.

We're roomies.

Couple of months, tops.

Synced By YesCool - corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com

And the special today is a barley and kale soup.

The kale comes from Renfro Organic Farms

just north of Richmond... no farm machinery up there.

Okay? All the soil is tilled by mules

who have been rescued from a Mexican circus show.

I think we'll have some of that pizza.

- It smells great. - Yeah, actually, the pizza...

I got it next door. It's amazing.

(door bell jingles) Great job, Amber.

And, Katie, don't give up just because you suck.

Okay? (laughs)

See you ladies next week.

(phone rings)

Whispering Frog Yoga Caf�.

Come for the yoga, Namaste for lunch.

I think I figured out a way

to get Mom and Dad back together

and out of our homes.

I'm on my way.

I got to go to Nathan's. Just trust me, it's worth it.

Bye, Dad. (door bell jingles)

Okay, listen, Tom, if you insist on bringing in outside food,

you got to at least just hide it

in one of these flax seed tortillas.

And they are great.

We get them from this battered women's shelter outside of DC.

You know, it turns out the process

of making these tortillas is very therapeutic.

You know, because all the dough is pounded out by hand.

You know, they say

if you chew thoughtfully,

you can almost taste the healing.

Can you, uh, taste the healing, Tom?

Tom!

Can you taste the healing, Tom?!

Okay, so I've started to sort through everything.

Dad's stuff's there. Mom's stuff's there.

And the rest of this stuff is kind of up for grabs.

Oh, no, this is going to cause a huge fight.

We need to infuse this room with some positive energy.

Positive... energy.

Or instead of relying on magic...

... we use every one of these items

like a little bread crumb

to lead them down memory lane,

and out of our houses and back to Myrtle Beach

- where they belong. - Okay, I don't know, Nathan.

They're pretty mad at each other.

I don't think... Oh, look!

Oh, it's us eating ice cream at Happy McGee's.

We'd go every Friday night, try to finish The Kitchen Sink,

so we could get it for free.

Aw, we were so happy and...

- Oh, my God, this could work. - Yeah.

It has to. Mom's been using my face towels

to freshen up her under-boob.

Hey, our stuff!

My stuff!

We need needle nose pliers.

Uh, there's a tool drawer in the kitchen.

Yeah, what happened?

Well, your father got tired of listening to me,

so he shoved a chunk of flax seed tortilla into his ears.

Not every menu item deserves a backstory.

Well! (both laughing)

And it's called "The Snake," see?

Ooh, yeah, ooh...

(laughing)

- You got it, you got it. - Ooh, yeah!

Debbie, next time we do a spa day, you should join us.

Yeah, I'm in. What did you have done?

Well, I was supposed to get a bikini wax,

but it turned into more of a consultation.

Unless I want to pay double,

I have some work to do on my own.

Wow, look at all this stuff.

A papasan chair?

And look at this bookshelf!

Somebody had a gift for sponge painting.

Guilty.

(laughs)

Well, I got the tortilla out of his ear.

I also found a wadded up toll booth receipt.

On the drive up from Myrtle Beach,

I shoved that in there when your mother wouldn't shut up

about me taking the toll road.

(clears throat) Listen, um,

Mom and Dad, so I've, uh,

divided up what is clearly yours

and as far as the rest of it goes

I thought you would start taking turns

selecting sentimental items

from this collection of... of lifetime memories, guys.

Whoever ends up with this afghan

should know my birthday's coming up.

- Ray... - Okay, Dad?

- Dad, why don't you start us off? - Yeah.

Nah, I'm good.

Wait, what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

Wait, wait, Dad, what are you doing?

Where you going? You barely looked.

Come on, if you don't grab something,

Mom's gonna end up with...

with your wedding album, huh?

Look at this... oh, look at you guys.

Look at you dancing.

Look how high Mom threw you.

You know what? I don't want any of it, either.

There's too many bad memories.

If I never see that seashell lamp again

it will be too soon.

It was on our night stand.

Every time we had sex, your mother used to knock

a bunch of shells off it with her foot.

Looks like it's in pretty good shape to me.

Yup.

Look, come on, you guys.

You can't just walk away from all of this stuff.

I mean, look at, look at this!

Look at this caricature of you guys from Ocean City.

Look at what a, what a pair of fun-loving

big-headed individuals you are.

Yeah, or, uh, Bosco the cat!

You guys, your first pet together!

Remember, he had the cutest meow?

It sounded like he was saying bacon.

I hated that cat. It was always getting me

in the mood for bacon,

which your mother wouldn't let me eat.

"Macon."

"No bacon." "Macon."

"No bacon."

What about this photo from Happy McGee's?

Remember we'd order The Kitchen Sink?

Nathan, we don't want any of it.

Ray, if you like this stuff so much

- you can have it. - NATHAN: Wait a second.

Mom, you can't just give it away.

Hey, I agree. I don't want charity.

Know what? Throw in the TV/VCR combo,

and I'll give you 13 bucks for the whole shebang.

Sold!

Okay, look, you know what? Maybe this was a mistake

to start splitting this stuff up

when emotions are still so fresh,

so why don't we just put everything into storage?

I'm not gonna pay money

to store all this crap.

We don't need any of it.

We're getting divorced.

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's... - Mom...

let's not start throwing the D-word around.

Nobody's actually divorced yet.

We will be soon. Your mother found some forms

on the Internet.

I just need to figure out how to print.

Whoa, but if you actually get divorced

that means this is permanent.

Mom and Dad apart. Mom living with Nathan.

Dad living with...

positive energy,

positive energy, positive energy.

(exhales)

She's an odd bird that one.

I never should've run that marathon when I was pregnant.

Is she? Is she the odd one?

'Cause I think the odd ones are the two people

who can stand here in front of 43 years of memories

and not do what I had hoped!

If anyone should understand, it's you.

You just got divorced.

We're doing the same thing you are.

We're just trying to move forward and start fresh

with our separate lives.

Only we're not all that separate, are we?

Dad's living with Debbie. You're living with me.

Everything is upside down and sideways!

My face smells like under-boob!

Things are a mess!

You saw how upset Nathan and Debbie were yesterday.

Our divorce is obviously taking a toll on them.

I think they're fine.

Yeah, well, you thought Silly Putty was edible.

I ate it, I passed it, I'm still here.

It's edible.

I know my children.

We need to deal with this.

So let's just talk to them.

- Why do we need the computer? - I want to get

some professional advice on what to say.

Look, we were married for 43 years.

15 were happy, five we drank

and the next 23 years

we spent mentally preparing for this divorce.

That's true. I used to doodle your maiden name on napkins.

We were ready, but our kids got blindsided.

We need to deal with this better.

Fine.

"Divorce, kids,

what to say."

What are you, a caveman?

"Divorce, kids, me make fire."

Give me that. (groans)

If you want to get a good answer, you need to be polite.

"Hello, Bing.

It's Carol again.

Anyway, I was wondering if you

or anyone in your office

has been through a divorce and has children."

Now I hit Enter, they discuss things

- and they get back to me. - Yeah.

Ooh. That was fast.

Must not be busy there today.

Well, they warned us.

Thanks to a couple lead-footed Leesburgians,

the daily commute down Willis Road just got longer.

(phone rings)

Hang on one second. Hang on.

Oh, it's my dad.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Ask if they have the remote to their old TV/VCR.

Hey, Dad.

It's Mom and Dad.

Hi.

Why are you calling from the same number?

Are you trapped under a bookcase?

It's no big deal that both of us are calling.

"Just because there have been some big changes

in all our lives doesn't mean there aren't going

to be some constants that remain the same."

Clear your throat if there's somebody there

with a gun to your head.

Nathan, stop it.

Your father and I want to get together tonight

with you and Debbie, just the four of us.

We want to take you to Happy McGee's.

That Irish ice cream place we love so much.

Yeah, I'm familiar.

Okay.

Oh, great!

BOTH: See you tonight.

Huh.

What?

My mom and dad are hanging out together,

they want to take Debbie and me for ice cream.

Maybe showing them their old stuff worked.

They might make up and move back to Myrtle Beach.

(chuckles) That'd be great.

I'll miss your Mom, though. Nice lady.

She held my hand while they waxed my feet.

You ever felt hair being pulled out of your pinkie toe?

Ah! Mm!

Poor Brodo felt the Lord of the Stings.

Do you really think Mom and Dad are getting back together?

Boy, I hope so. Last night, I walked in on Mom

using my cheese grater to shave down her bunions.

Okay, here they come! Here they come!

Enough complaining.

Tonight's about positive energy

to bring them back together and move them farther away from us.

(door bell jingles)

You slammed on the brakes on purpose.

Yep. Cross that off the bucket list.

Oh, there they are.

Just remember, we have to show the kids

we can still be a happy family even in the face of divorce.

- Hey! - BOTH: Hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, Mom!

We got our favorite table!

Our favorite table!

We ordered The Kitchen Sink.

Just like the old days.

- A family project! - Yeah!

This is gonna be fun!

Oh, yeah!

(all laughing)

Oh, watch out! Here comes the brain freeze!

(all laugh)

- All right, here are some napkins, all right? - Uh-huh.

And we're required to give you this pamphlet about diabetes,

which most people end up using as an extra napkin.

Okay, you got 20 minutes or you owe us $60.

We know the rules. Don't worry.

This lady's not gonna be paying 60 bucks for ice cream.

I'm incredibly cheap.

Oh, wow!

Okay.

So, your father and I were wondering

if either of you want to maybe talk about the divorce?

Why?

Having, uh, having regrets?

A few. We didn't handle things very well.

You know, your father

and I love you both very much.

Mm-hmm.

You will always have two people

who support you unconditionally.

"This separation is no one's fault.

Especially not yours."

Wait... did you bring us here

to retell us about the divorce?

Well, the first time was so mismanaged,

we wanted to take another crack at it.

So, you're not getting back together?

(both laugh)

Good God, no.

And you took us out for ice cream to break the news?

We're not children. We can handle the divorce.

Yeah, we just want you out of our houses.

Your house? Last I checked,

we own your house, Debbie.

And, Nathan, we let you live with us for 18 years.

Three of which

you thought you were gonna be a professional rapper.

I was an MC.

A sucka MC.

Tom, relax. They don't really care about us living with them.

Remember what we read?

They're masking their true emotions about the divorce.

No, no, no. We don't care about the divorce.

What I care about is a search history on my laptop

that incdes, "bikini wax," and "sex over 60,"

and for some reason, "any photo of Chuck Woolery shirtless."

There's one out there and I'm gonna find it.

At least you don't have to deal with pulling things out of Dad.

Yesterday, Adam got a tortilla out his ear.

Last week, I pulled a pen cap out of his nose.

I'm running out of holes

I'm willing to take stuff out of, Dad!

I can't believe the two of you are so ungrateful.

Your mother and I devoted our whole lives

to taking care of you!

And you're acting like brats just like when you were kids!

No wonder our marriage caved in on itself!

Wait a minute.

Are you... are you blaming us for this divorce?

"No."

You idiot, that's number one on the list:

"Don't blame the kids."

Yeah, well, the list is right!

Don't blame us! Blame yourselves!

Everything we had is gone! Guess what?

No more happy trips to Happy McGee's!

Now it's just McGee's.

All because you two couldn't get along!

Well, guess what?!

This is not the way it's supposed to be!

Mommies and daddies are supposed to stay together!

Oh, my God, I do care about this divorce!

I'm the only person left in this family

in a successful marriage!

That's too much pressure!

Debbie, I know this is hard,

but you're gonna have to keep eating

or we're gonna lose the $60.

How can you be concerned about finishing ice cream

when you won't even finish your own marriage?!

Somebody put these bananas in your pockets!

Carol! Carol, Carol!

Carol, you're acting like a lunatic!

And you're ruining the purse I gave you last Christmas!

You found it on a bus!

It was a Christmas miracle!

Say "Happy McGee's"!

Happy McGee's!

- (knocking) - I'm coming.

How'd it go?

Well, they're still getting divorced.

And we got charged double for cheating.

- Sorry to hear that, buddy. - Yeah.

Anyway, we were feeling nostalgic and

couldn't find our box of home movies.

Did you take it by mistake?

Take it? I bought it.

We said whole shebang, not part-shebang.

You can't have our home movies, Ray.

Come on, man. That's my new favorite TV show...

The Millers. Been watching them all day.

I'm in the middle of the part

where your father loses Debbie at the water park.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that.

I was actually just...

La, la, la, la, la! Don't ruin it for me!

All right, where are they?

They're on the bookshelf next to your photos

and half your dead cat.

Yeah, took a little tumble down the stairs.

I should have made two trips.

Hey, check it out.

This one's... this one's called "Happy McGee's."

Oh, that's a good one. Pop it in.

All right.

No word on my remote, huh?

I keep forgetting to ask.

Nathan Miller reporting from the final minutes

of the sports event of the summer:

The Millers versus Happy McGee's Kitchen Sink.

See? Look at that sweet family.

It's heartbreaking.

Less than two minutes left. How you feeling, Dad?

This is stupid! It's too much ice cream!

Why are they offering this promotion?!

I'll tell you who's stupid?

It's the idiot who lets his eight-year-old daughter

order dessert while I was in the bathroom!

I thought it would be fun!

It's not fun!

Nathan, put down that damn microphone and grab a spoon!

This is your college money melting in front of us!

Say "Happy McGee's"!

Happy McGee's!

Man, I seem to remember us being more much more

fun-loving back then.

Yeah, me, too.

Nope. Every episode's like that.

Tom says something dumb.

Carol gets mad.

Everybody starts screaming.

It's a formula, but it works.

I guess since Mom and Dad have been living

in Myrtle Beach the last decade,

we forgot what our family was really like.

Yeah, we're not losing what we always had,

because that is what we always had.

- Uh-huh. - Got to say...

that made me feel a lot better.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Plus, now when they fight,

we don't have to put up with the makeup sex.

(groans) The makeup sex.

I had almost erased that from my memory, too.

They had this vicious cycle of fighting

and then trying to make it better with sex.

Yeah, I don't know what they did in their bedroom,

but it involved a lot of grunting and shushing.

Uh, shh, uh, shh, uh, shh, uh.

Yeah, it sounded like two dudes

shoveling gravel.

Oh, and then Mom would come out the next morning

whistling "I've Been Working on the Railroad."

And Dad would do that weird twirl

when he put sugar in his coffee.

So maybe this divorce is a good thing.

You still have your same family

minus the disturbing sounds of old folks humping.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's perfect.

- Yeah. - If only they didn't live with us.

No, you know what, though?

Maybe Dad's right.

They did take care of us, so now it's our turn

to take care of them.

(chuckles)

You know what? Do me a favor.

If my mom and I ever get matching jackets,

you'll smother me in my sleep.

You'll never know it's coming.

Old habits die hard.

That's all I'm saying.

Just to be clear, I don't want you thinking that...

You say, "That's all I'm saying,"

but you always go right on talking.

You should retire the phrase

if you don't know how it works.

I just don't want you leaving here,

thinking we're getting back together.

Never crossed my mind.

The kids can't know about this.

They won't as long as we replace this lamp.

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