All language subtitles for The Middleman s01e10 The Vampiric Puppet Lamentation.eng

Tyler was in the shower,

and he had to run outside naked.

Could you hand me the Subway Collapse?

He covered himself with the tarp from the neighbor's Slip 'N Slide

while he waited for the fire department to show,

but his sister Marjorie was so busy listening to her Miguel Bose records,

that she never realized there was a fire at all.

Hey, this is Impending Doom.

So how's Tyler's trip with his family going?

The trip I've been talking about for the last five minutes?

Huh? Oh, sorry.

I'm a little out of it.

Tell me you didn't eat another hot lunch on the day of our party.

You know how that saps your energy.

I had a sex dream about Pip.

Could you rewind that?

'Cause it sounded like you said you dreamt

you were knocking boots with the malignant nematode son of our building owner

who copied my artwork and tried to pass it off as his own.

That's just it.

And he was kinda...

I'm still a little dizzy.

ok, You gonna have to walk me through this because I do not see it at all.

It started pretty normal, for that kind of a dream.

Hello, Lacey.

Hey.

How could a sex dream with Pip possibly start normal?

Hello, Lacey.

Oh, God. Why are we even talking about this?

Oh, God, you are hot for him.

Hot for Pip?

- PMGO.
- PMGO?

"Puke my guts out.

He ripped your clothes off?

Grow up, Dub-Dub.

He is a being of the purest and darkest evil.

You and I have a party to throw

and this discussion is getting in the way.

Wait, wait, wait.

I just have one thing I have to know:

Was Pip packing?

The seventh grade called, they want their maturity back.

Hey, have you seen Noser?

No... sir.

Joe, I'm serious.

He's not in the hallway, Anvil hasn't seen him in forever.

No one knows where he is.

Hey, am I my Noser's keeper?

Oh...

Hey, Lacey. Have you seen Noser?

So, I see the being of purest evil that no part of you

is even remotely attracted to somehow got invited to our party.

He never gets invited anywhere.

Doesn't mean I wanna do him.

Can I interest my gracious hosts in a free reading?

Tarot cards are for the spiritually vulnerable and intellectually weak.

Come on, it'll be scintillating

and revealing of all your darkest secrets.

Do it for Wendy,

she's the one that looks way too into dreams.

Empty your thoughts.

No party, no music, no friends.

Can you do this?

Does Usagi Yojimbo kick serious ass?

That's a yes.

Then look far within yourself

until you see nothing but the deepest yearnings of your soul.

Ah, it's The Lovers and The Chariot.

You recently were in a long relationship, yes?

Yeah, with Ben.

It'll continue for many years.

Yeah, he dumped me on camera

and then used the footage to score a movie deal.

Oh, well, the pairing can also mean

that The Lover has
left you. Permanently.

What?

English, woman!

Young Noser will be rent
limb from limb to save you!

And, after years of silence,

you finally hear from your mother.

Um, could you go back to the
part about Noser being killed?

I didn't say anything about that.

Oh! Temperance and The Emperor.

You spend too much time
with your father.

www.1000fr.com presents

Sync:FRS@WDYSAI

THE MIDDLE MAN S01E10

Hey, Noser.

I know this is like the
fourteenth message I've left,

but, uh, I just wanna
make sure you're OK.

So call me back.

Or text. Or, you know, come over.

Bye.

Why do you hate me?

Noser never showed up for the party

and he still hasn't come
in to drink our coffee.

He's officially MIA.

He's a grown boy.
What's the big?

Jamie the Tarot girl,
she told me he was gonna die.

I think.

I'm pretty sure.

Do I have to read you
Carl Sagan's book again?

Even if the universe
decided to communicate

via playing card images
of antiquated archetypes,

do you really think it would use

that CK One-cologne drenched
charlatan as its mouthpiece?

I really want to believe you,

but your subconscious desire to do Pip

calls all your advice into question.

That was one dream.

Really? You didn't have
one last night?

No.

No!

Whether the universe speaks
through Jamie or not,

I still wanna know
if my friend's OK.

Maybe I should
go ask his roommate.

Anvil? Are you crazy?

He'll sell you
for decongestant money.

I guess I'll just
go door to door.

Or get called in to work

and leave Noser abandoned
and defenseless.

Good. Go to work.

I'll find Noser.

Thanks, Lace.

Hello, Dubbie.

Ooh! Is it 4:20 already?

Please tell me we're
hunting vampires.

Einstein strikes again.

Yes!

At my Confirmation,

I prayed I would one day
grow up to kill a vampire.

And now I can.

Wait. Vampires don't rend
people limb from limb, do they?

Not traditionally.

Try this on for size.

Oh. I'm-a get my Buffy on.

Hopefully, you won't.

Vampires have been extinct

ever since a Middleman killed
the last one in the late 1800s.

Let's just say that Van Helsing might
as well be Dutch for "The Middleman."

But if vampires are extinct,
what's with the wooden stake?

Not just any wood, Dubbie.

You can only kill a vampire with a
stake carved of purest Carpathian wood.

OK, what's with the stake
of purest Carpathian wood?

And what's Ida doing
with that pile of money?

Marked bills.

Don't get any bright ideas.

Ever hear of Vlad the Impaler?

Does Usagi Yojimbo kick...?

Fifteenth century Wallachian
duke, impaled 80,000 Ottomans?

And feasted on their blood.

Vlad was the king of all vampires.

His army once killed 15,000
peasants in a single afternoon.

Just to be clear,
he did that by impaling,

not by rending limbs?

Today, a vast collection
of Vlad's personal artifacts

has come up for auction.

O2STK believes that,
in the wrong hands,

any one of those artifacts
could trigger a vampire resurgence.

So we're buying
the whole collection.

I'll be darned if vampires come
out of retirement on my watch.

This auction, some pretty
gnarly stuff, huh?

Like, uh, torture devices,

that wheel they use to
rend people from limb to limb?

Dubbie, I can't help but notice

you seem to have rent
appendages on your brain.

That's the hippie lettuce talking.

This annoying girl
gave me a Tarot card reading,

and I'm kinda sure
I saw her get all creepy

and tell me that Noser was gonna
be rent limb from limb.

Pretty silly, huh?

Not necessarily.

The way I see it,

A, you overdid it with the tipple,

B, your experience in the underworld
opened your third eye,

putting you in direct contact with
prophetic voices from the great beyond.

Thanks for ruining my life.

If you want to help Mr. Noser,

you'll dedicate yourself
mind, body and soul

to preventing undead
creatures of the night

from rising from the grave
to suck him dry.

You don't talk to
other humans much, do you?

What did you say?

You heard me.
Tell me where Noser went!

Hey, now, what's going on?

Pip was about
to eat my fist for lunch.

Bring it.

Before we bring in
the first responders,

mind if I ask you
boys something?

I'm looking for Noser.

So am I, but vocational school
here won't tell me where he is.

maybe you can Ask God when
you see him in five seconds.

Actually, Anvil, I haven't
seen Noser in a few days,

and I'm getting freaked out.

You're his roommate,

can you remember the
last time you saw him?

Come to think of it, Lacey,

I haven't seen Noser
in a few days either.

Thanks.

Nice going, flower power.

Noser owes me three
months rent, plus interest.

Dude was this close
to telling me where he is.

Dude was this close to
giving you a manual lobotomy.

Why do you want him?

Wendy got a reading
that said he was gonna die.

Tarot's for the
spiritually vulnerable and weak.

It sure is.

I have to go.

You're not going anywhere.

I have to find Noser.

I do too, and until
I get my rent money,

you're getting more
than you bargained for.

I'm your partner.

THE MIDDLEMOBILE 2.
10:37 AM

Complete the following statement:

"Vampires cannot
be detected by A, mirrors,

B, cameras,
C, cameras or mirrors,

or D, none of the above."

You do get it

that I have reprints of
Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan's

entire run onTomb of Dracula,

an encyclopedic knowledge of

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing's
work for Hammer Films,

and have laid eyes on at least
three of the major Canadian

syndicated vampire detective shows?

- C.
- Gold star.

"Vampires have the ability
to turn humans into vampires,

true or false?"

Do you want me to leave?

Actually, this one's tricky.

The Middle organization does
have an anti-vampire vaccine.

Once a vampire tastes your blood,

it knows your entire life story,

your hopes, your fears, your dreams.

I get it.

Don't let them bite me. Check.

"If a vampire offers you soup,
what does this mean?

A...

Find Noser yet?

No, but we're still looking.

I mean I'm still looking.

Alone.

You're with Pip, aren't you?

It kinda just happened.

Oh, Lacey, you didn't.

I'd rather lick money.
He's just looking for Noser, too.

And, by the way, he agrees
that Tarot is a total joke.

I'm glad you have
so much in common.

It's the foundation for a
lasting and loving relationship.

Anyway, we're looking through
the whole building,

so I'm sure we'll find Noser soon.

Keep me posted.

And with Pip, you know,
just keep your pants on.

Lacey's seeing Pip?

What? No.

I'm making fun of her because
she had a sex dream about him.

Lacey had a sex dream about Pip?

It's not that big of a deal.

But he's a plagiarist.

What happened to dedicating mind,
body and soul to the task at hand?

"If a vampire offers you soup..."

Ladies and gentlemen,
please be seated. Thank you.

Good afternoon, my name
is Nikolas Pherides.

I'll be your tour guide today

for the most terrifying
auction in history.

Actual items actually owned
by the actual Vlad the Impaler.

Who knows what foul sights
our first item has seen,

what unheard cries for help,

what splatters of blood
it must have felt.

Presenting lot A,

this door hinge!

Shall we start the bidding
at, say, $666?

Like anyone's gonna pay
that much for a door hinge.

Rich people.

Seven-fifty. Do I have $800?

$800? Eight hundred, do I have $850?

$850? $850. Do I have $900?

$900.

We don't have to buy that, do we?

Of course.

But it's just a door hinge.

And perhaps it opens a door
to the vampire underworld.

There's a vampire underworld?

Do you want to
find out the hard way?

1,300 to the gentleman here.

1,300 going once, going twice.

Sold to the gentleman with
the green Eisenhower jacket.

for $1,300

4,005? 5,000? 5,000.

Do I have 5,005? 5,005!

Do I have 6,000? 6,000.

6,005?

6,005 going once, going twice.

Sold to the young lady in back.

That's one expensive
spoon fragment.

You said it yourself:
vampire soup.

I just hope we have enough
money left for the last item.

We're down to $400,000.

What's the last item?

A surprise.

Sadly, ladies and gentlemen,

we've reached the end
of our journey of terror.

But don't despair,
we've saved the best for last.

Vlad the Impaler had two loves:

Feasting on the blood of his
impaled victims, and puppet shows.

Say hello to Little Vladdy.

A mere puppet? Perhaps.

But legend has a different story.

Throughout history, his owners'
lives have been fraught

with madness, fever, pestilence,

matri-, fratri-,
patri- and sui-cide.

I have a bad feeling about this.

How many of you would like to see

what Little Vladdy has to say

about his bad reputation?

Where am I?
Who are you people?

That's not the auctioneer
talking, is it?

Dare you laugh at me?

The eternal night of blood
shall soon be upon you!

A seemingly possessed auctioneer?

A puppet ranting about
an eternal night of blood?

It's go time.

You mortals will either join the cult,

or serve as food
for your new masters!

Out of my way, you fools!

Sir?

Sir, put down that dummy!

I obey no man!

Looks like we're gonna
have to do this the hard way.

Dubbie, did he just
turn into a bat puppet?

Man, I don't even
have an opinion.

I don't suppose our coping guide
has a chapter on vampire puppets.

We'll have to write it ourselves.

Why didn't he turn into
a crispy fritter in the sun?

Isn't that vampire 101?

For flesh and blood vampires,
but Vladdy's made of wood.

Wait.

Shellac!

All bets are off, Dubbie.

The only thing I'm sure of is

we need to stake Vladdy's heart
before he turns people into...

...whatever a vampire puppet
turns people into.

Ida, glue your ear
to the police radio.

It's only a matter of time

before the puppet-attack
911 calls start pouring in.

I'm not sure Vladdy's gonna
start biting anyone just yet.

Look, it's trying to think.

Hey, I've seen
all theBlademovies.

I know my way around suckheads.

Vampires live to feast on
the blood of the living, right?

Well, There were plenty of
throats at that auction.

Why didn't Vladdy bite anyone?

I figured he didn't want a
chestful of purest Carpathian wood.

No. He said something about
"the eternal night of blood"

and he was out the door before he
realized anyone was chasing.

Maybe he has to do something to bring
about that "eternal night of blood,"

and maybe one of his previous
owners already tried.

Bram Stoker's widow!

Dubbie, that's a
very canny observation.

Ida, course correction.

Hop on the HEYDAR

and search down every previous
owner of Little Vladdy.

Hopefully, someone who
tried him on in the past

has lived to tell the story.

Way to see clearly in this bog.

It hasn't been easy
wiping the vision of Noser's

agonizing dismemberment
from your mind.

And thanks for
putting it right back in.

You know, Vampires have killed
more Middlemen than any other threat.

Really? How many?

Two.

Okey-dokey, how's this sound?

Renfield Rehnquist tried
Little Vladdy on

on national television
15 years ago.

We're here at the home of
everybody's favorite ventriloquist

to take a look at some
of his favorite dummies.

Renfield, this is quite
a collection.

What's your most valuable puppet?

I'd have to say...

it's this guy, by a long shot.

Wow, he looks pretty scary.

I'm not sure
that's the best idea.

I mean, I don't wear him.

He's quite old, and delicate.

He's scared to put him on.

I'll say he is.

Just wait.

Think of all the kiddie
fans watching from home.

You really want
to disappoint them?

Don't do it.

What the heck?

I have always wanted
to try him on.

Here we go.

Where am I?

Who are you people?

Hello there, little fella.
How dare you laugh at me!

Don't you know who I am?

Easy, easy. Maybe it's time
to take off the puppet.

Never! Away from me!

PMGO!

Goes on like that for a while.

After killing the camera guy
and the van driver,

the boom operator managed
to chop off Renfield's arm.

He's been spending his days at
the laughing academy ever since.

Ida, would you hit pause
on that, please?

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

You do understand
the concept here?

We want people to talk to us.

So we can find Noser.

News flash, Pollyanna.

The problem ain't me.

Keep giving people sugar,

they're gonna keep
walking all over you.

Let's go talk to Joe 90.

He doesn't know anything.
I talked to him this morning.

Did you make fun
of his glasses?

Yeah? So?

Time to see what Pollyanna can do.

Oh. Care to make this interesting?

Twenty bucks?

Done.

Hey, Lacey, what's up?

Two things:

One, did I tell you how much
I liked your latest sculpture?

You liked or belisk at Dawn?

I thought I'd be in for
another one of your lectures

on the art community's need
for phallic symbol reversalism.

Nope, I'm good.

Anyway, number two:

have you seen Noser lately?

Weird. Pip came by this morning
asking me the same thing.

I'll tell you what
I told him: No.

Now, I'll you the truth: Yes.

Like I'd ever rat out the Nose to
that smug little self-loving ponce.

So you wanna see
the surveillance tape?

Surveillance tape?

Pip's dad gives him money to
pay for the building's security,

but he keeps the cash and
lowers my rent to do it instead.

Seriously, I don't know

how that tool case looks
at himself in the mirror.

I'll get the tape.

Looks like boy
owes girl 20 bucks.

Small price to pay for being the
laughing stock of the building.

You know, Pip, maybe if you
were a little nicer to people,

they'd be more willing
to let you into their lives.

You so wanna do me.

John Sweard Home for the
Criminally Insane.

We don't get many visitors from
the Department of Education.

If you can teach the criminally
insane, you can teach anyone.

When that boom operator
chopped off Renfield's arm,

he lost blood,
so much so,

he went brain dead three times
on the operating table.

He now suffers from
a rare condition called

acute-borderline-hyper-
cerebral-dysplasia.

It's destroyed his ability
to tell where he stops

and where the machinations
of his deranged psyche begin.

And you give him needles?

Needlepoint can be a valuable
tool for the relief of stress.

Talk to him all you like.

Thank you, Dr. Judd.

Sir, time is of the essence,
so I'll skip the pleasantries.

Little Vladdy, the puppet
that sent you here,

has come back to life.

We believe you might know
where we can find him.

Hey. Look here, buddy.

It's OK, Wendy.

What are you doing?

There's only one way to speak
to an insane ventriloquist.

Where has Little Vladdy gone?

Elizabeth Rousset.

Elizabeth Rousset?

His heart will guide him to her.

Who is she?

The vampire queen.

Vlad the Impaler married her
on the witch's Sabbath, 1459.

But a mob of villagers
scaled the castle walls

and murdered the lovers
with crude farming implements.

Vlad and Elizabeth's blood spilled
onto their two favorite puppets,

Vladdy and Lizzie,

exact replicas of themselves.

Their souls were damned
into the wood for all time.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless what?

If Vladdy and Lizzie remarry
on the arms of two people

who share true love,

they will regain the form
of flesh and blood

and create an undead army

that will plunge earth into
an eternal night of blood.

Ida, Vladdy's looking
for a puppet named Lizzie,

and he's got a huge head start.

We need to find her yesterday.

Start by cross-referencing Lizzie with
Vlad the Impaler in every database...

Found her.

That was fast. Ha!

Didn't even have to look
outside my local memory bank.

Are you telling me the puppet
bride of Vlad the Impaler

is right there at HQ?

Yeah, a Middleman bought her in 1895.

Should be in the fifth floor archive.

Dubbie, let's go!

Middleman HQ - 5th floor archives.

We have Einstein's brain?

I thought that was
at Princeton Hospital.

Transylvania 6-5000, Dubbie.

You really think we'd leave that

hanging around a bunch
of frat boys with mono?

So whose brain
does Princeton have?

The only woman smart enough
to kill Einstein.

Hey, Lacey. Good news?

Pip and I found Noser on the
building's surveillance footage.

Please tell me you're not alone
in our apartment with Pip.

And on that footage,

Noser's outside and he's pacing,
he looks kinda on edge.

Then this knock-out Eastern
European-looking chick

gets out of a cab and hands him
a shiny metal briefcase.

Oh, no.

What?

Action movies from the
'90s taught us anything,

no good can come from anyone
of Eastern European descent

carrying or exchanging
a shiny silver briefcase!

That sounds suspiciously like
racial profiling, Dub-Dub.

OK, we can handle this.

This doesn't necessarily mean
Noser's gonna be rent limb from limb.

See if you can
read the cab number.

Hey, can I use the HEYDAR
to help find Noser?

I can't lie, Wendy,
this Pip business bothers me.

The thought of her dating that
thievish entitled ne'er-do-well,

it just smokes my skillet.

So I can use the HEYDAR?

All right.

Ah.

Good work, Middleman 1895.

Hey, Lacey,

I'll use my connections at work
to track down that taxi cab.

The woman in the surveillance
video is Irena Dubrovna.

10 Holmwood Drive.

Get the stake!

Unhand me!

Now, Dubbie!

- Ah!
- No!

Would you hold the still?

There's no time.

This is a code blood red.

We have to move
and we have to move now.

Oh, you are not going anywhere

without a dose of the Montesi
Formula anti-vampire vaccine.

Yeah. I don't want you
turning into a vampire,

or a vampire puppet, or whatever.

Besides, we don't even know
where Vladdy and Lizzie went.

Oh, you slipped him the Middlewatch
to track him. Very nice.

Ida, ETA on the vaccine?

Sixty seconds.

Make it thirty.

I know you're upset about
Chucky's grandfather

sneaking in
and biting you.

Dang vampires, not showing
up on surveillance monitors.

How could I have missed it?

Could you take it down a notch?

Dubbie, ten minutes ago this
fight was just like any other.

Now Vladdy has a tummyful
of my red stuff.

That bite gave him
front row seats to my being.

He knows the way I think now.

So we know he won't be hiding out
in any dairies or G-rated movies.

My ability to fight may have
been permanently compromised.

Which means You need to ready yourself
to finish this fight alone.

Bend over.

The whole me fighting
the fight without you,

that's like a worst-case
scenario, right?

Dubbie, as much as it pains me,

at this moment I'm unable to give you
any guarantee this will end well.

No pressure, hon.

I fully expect you to fail.

How'd Wendy find
this briefcase chick, anyway?

She's got crazy access
to stuff at work.

Crazy access to her boss's pants.

Don't touch my stomach.

Or my legs.

Then how do you
want me to sit?

OK. Lessons are $65 per session,

with a four week mini...

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

We're friends of Noser's.
Do you know where he is?

How did you find me?

Just tell us where he is!

What are you...?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just, Noser's my best friend,

and he's in really big trouble

with his entitled tool of a landlord.

- Pip?
- Yeah, he's a monster.

And he's gonna sell
all of Noser's guitars.

Do you know what
that would do to him?

Music is his life.

Noser swore me to secrecy.

No, Lacey, it's OK.

This just isn't meant to be.

Wait.

Yeah?

You know Noser as the carefree
guitar strumming poet, no?

But I tell you, he's got
the talent of a god.

His family hired me to tutor him.

By age five, he was
writing his own material.

By age six,

he humiliated all
of the great masters.

It was marvelous.

We saw the world,
one royal palace at a time.

Of course, by then I had
nothing to teach the boy.

But the family took pity,

allowing me to care for the instrument.

Then one day, Noser turned 13.

He asked to retire.

His family respected his wishes,

moving to a goat farm in Monaco.

I vowed to heaven
I would guard the instrument,

knowing in my heart of hearts

that one day he would perform again.

And that's what was
in the briefcase?

Yes.

Where is he performing?

The trail stops here, Dubbie.

You ready to puncture
some puppet heart?

I'm not sure it's
gonna be that simple.

A crazed man walking around
with two ventriloquist dummies?

He'll stick out
like a sore thumb.

INTERNATIONAL VENTRILOQUISM
GRAND CHAMPIONSHIPS

Oh, phooey.

Lacey?

Hey, Wendy.

And Wendy's boss.

Hello, Lacey.

Oh, have you met Pip?

It's a pleasure.

Boop.

So, what brings
you here, Lacey?

Irena said this is
where we'd find Noser.

At a ventriloquist convention?

Oh, this is way too good to be true.

Noser doesn't play guitar.
He's a ventriloquist.

I gotta go home
and get my camera.

So, Lacey, how have you been?

I've been fine.

You know, I mean... OK.

I guess.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Oh, it's all right.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I cut myself
shaving this morning.

With a machete?

Hey, I think I see our client.

Oh. Um...

You'll have to excuse us, Lacey.

Careful with that razor.

Lacey, find Noser and get him
out of here. He's not safe.

Why not?

Just... trust me.

Sir? Sir?

Where did the puppets go?

Puppets?

Uh, Vladdy from the auction.

Where am I?

Excuse us a moment.

What's going on?

Clearly, this man's suffering from

some sort of vampire
puppet-induced amnesia.

Vampire puppet-induced
amnesia? Sheesh!

Wait, if Vladdy's not on his
arm, he could be anywhere.

In a convention center
full of puppets.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a guy named Noser.

Noser?

He's about this tall...

You're kidding.

No. He's got an Afro...

The Noser?

I know what he looks like.

Have you seen him?

If I'd seen him,
do you think I would

have flown across the country
to enter this contest?

Do you have any idea where
I could look to find him?

Sure, wherever they hand out
the gold medals.

Excuse me, young pretty girl.

I know where Noser is.

Aw! He's cute.

What's his name?

Vladdy.

Where's Noser, Vladdy?

Follow me. I'll take you.

You're really good. I didn't
see your lips moving at all.

We should keep our eyes peeled
for couples, Dubbie.

Now that Vladdy has his fiance,
he'll be looking to get married.

Hey, look. I think she found Noser.

Lacey?

Lacey?

Get your fangs away
from my best friend.

I have a different idea.

Put me on.

I thought the puppets had to get
married on two people in love...

Oh, boss.

???Dubbie.

What are you doing?

Saving Lacey.

We can do that by putting a
stake in Vladdy and Lizzie's

cold black hearts.

He knows I can't
let Lacey get hurt.

The blood does not lie.

Pipe down, Pinocchio.

You can't do this.

What about the vampire army
and the night of eternal blood?

Stop him alone.

I warned you this might happen.

Wendy, if this
comes down to the wire

and you have to make a choice
between me or Lacey, save her.

Don't get any ideas
when I'm between arms,

or the girl dies.

Where am I?

Hang back and you'll be cool.

Prepare to reap the whirlwind.

Now, Wendy Watson.

Hand over the stake.

No way. I'm using you for kindling.

I have a few friends standing behind you

who might disagree.

That one might have worked in 1459,

but today's woman is
a little more savvy.

You created vampire puppet minions

and they're all standing
behind me, aren't they?

Guilty.

Eat her slowly, my children.

Ah!

That is so not cool.

Hello.

We'd like to get married.

It's a ventriloquist thing.

Will there be a problem
marrying us with our puppets?

Goodness, no!

I always have
time for two people in love.

Sorry, dude.

And sorry in advance.

This ring I give you,

in token and pledge

of our constant faith
and abiding love.

Noser?

Wendy Watson?
What are you doing here?

Yougotta get out of here.

I need the prize money.

Look, I sank all my money
into my concept album.

I came out of retirement to do this,

to pay the rent
and finish my record,

and Young Noser and I
are taking the stage.

Noser, if you don't leave
immediately you're gonna...

Wait, "Young Noser?"

Young Noser will be rent
limb from limb to save you!

Young Noser is my dummy.

The whole point of my act is
that he looks exactly like me.

Trust me, Wendy Watson,
I get on that stage,

this prize money is mine.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

They're about to call me to stage.

Anything else I can do?

Not unless you have some
purest Carpathian wood handy.

That's weird. Did you just
say purest Carpathian wood?

Yes.

My old ventriloquism tutor used
that expression all the time.

I carved him for you myself,

out of the purest Carpathian wood.

Minions of the night,

arise from your centuries of sleep

to feast on the blood

of all mankind!

You give love a bad name.

Where's Lacey?

So I guess we, uh...

Yep.

What's going on?

Uh,

Lacey got a little overheated
in the convention center.

So we brought her here to cool off.

Really?

I don't remember that at all.

It's not uncommon
for a fainting victim

to experience a brief period
of forgetfulness.

Save it for class, teach.

Help me stand her up.

My car's parked just outside
in the handicapped spot

if you want a ride home.

Get a good night's rest.

You'll be fine.

Oh.

Yeah, of course.

Hey.

Where'd I get this ring?

Wendy, why don't you ride home
with your friends?

I can see to things here.

Good idea.

Ride lonesome, huh?

Yeah. That's right.

So, Young Noser, I can't help
but you look a little different.

Why don't you tell the nice people
here what happened to your arms?

Oh, three-picture deal,
here I come.

Hey. I'm watching that.

Show's over.

What are you doing?

I want the footage.

Then watch it on-line
when I put it on MyFaceInATube.

Noser's very protective
about his past, Pip,

and it should be his decision

whether or not to come out of the...

...ventriloquism closet.

Oh, well.

You got your rent money.

Now, you're just being mean.

Can't you do a solid
for your friend?

Noser's not my friend, remember?

Apparently, no one
in this building is.

Uh... here.

You done good, Pip.

Hey. Wanna do some more good?

Ow!

See you around.

So, looks like I'm rooming
with your ex-wife.

That was just
an evil ceremony, Wendy.

It wasn't legally binding in any way.

I know.

Just thought a spoonful of funny might
help the unbearable awkwardness go down.

Oh. Thanks.

So, you and my best friend...

True love.

Uh, the success of our
demonic puppet marriage

would seem to validate that, yes.

You know,

you're the one who told me

to open the door
if true love comes knocking.

None of this would have happened

if what you felt for Lacey wasn't real.

Even true love
doesn't always work out.

You're one of the good guys.

So is Lacey.

You deserve each other.

What if it's fate?

Like my message about Noser.

God knows what it was,

but something wanted to get me
a message that would save the day.

Who are you to say that something
doesn't want you to be with Lacey?

If I wanted to be with Lacey,
nothing could stop me.

No enemy, not Pip,

not you, not even fate.

But, uh...

Well, she's not...

She's not what?

'Cause from where I'm sitting,
she looks pretty good.

She's not the only woman I love.

Good work today, Dubbie.

Hey, Lacey and Noser,
and everyone in our building.

We had to celebrate Noser's return
to the land of the living.

And there was plenty
of green punch left.

Gotta love a recipe
that yields nine gallons.

To Noser:

our favorite man of mystery.

So, I assume the building
doesn't know your little secret.

You mean that I rushed out of town
to spend a few days with my grandmother?

Nah, they know.

Oh, my gosh, Noser,
you'll never believe this.

While you were gone,
I totally did your reading

and it said you were
with your grandmother.

Isn't that insane?

My thoughts exactly.

I still have the cards laid out.
Come on, I'll show you.

I'm telling you,
he's a ventriloquist.

I have everything on camera.
And where's the tape?

Lacey stole it.

You actually expect me
to believe someone

as pure-hearted and loving as Lacey

could out-manipulate someone as
conniving and evil-hearted as you?

She distracted me...

with a kiss.

Yeah. This story's getting
easier and easier to believe.

I can't make this stuff up!

Wait, you kissed Pip?

It was for a good cause.

And believe me,

it officially eradicated any
confusing subconscious attraction

that may have been going on.

Seriously?

You didn't have a sex dream
during your pre-party nap?

Hello, Lacey.

Nope. I'm good.

Then that's even more
cause to celebrate.

welcome to www.1000fr.com

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