All language subtitles for The McCarthys s01e15 End Games.eng

At the risk of sounding overdramatic,

your father and I were in a car accident...

...and have barely escaped the bony
clutches of the Grim Reaper

Oh, my God, what happened?

- It was no big deal.
- Tell that to the man you hit.

We were on our way to the drugstore...

Thought about get some new shoes.

But then I didn�t.

Well, you'll know when you need them.

Arthur!

(screaming)

Oh!

I can still see that carrot
smashing into our windshield.

Yeah. Vegetable.

You guys don't see
a lot of those.

Dad, I keep telling you.

You gotta get
your eyes checked.

You shouldn't be driving.

My eyes are fine, Ronny.

The other day,
you nudged a crossing guard.

Great place to set up shop,

right in the middle
of an intersection.

Well, this time it was
a snowman,

but it could
just as easily have been

our charcoal eyes
and carrot noses

splattered along that sidewalk

in front of Mrs. Murphy's,

left to be eaten up
by stray winter dogs.

�Stray winter dogs�?

Were you and Dad driving
to the Rite Aid in Siberia?

Anyway, in that moment,

as I was staring death
in the face,

all I could think of
was my children.

And how I wish

I'd had one last chance
to tell them

what kind of funeral I want.

So they don't ruin it.

Yeah, sorry, Ma.

We're gonna make a mess
out of that thing.

Well, Sean, as it turns out,
we're still alive,

so we can tell you
our funeral wishes.

All right,
better write this down.

Arthur, what kind of
a funeral do you want?

I want no fuss, no muss.

What about you, Ma?

Well, I want both fuss and muss.

Uh...

and fireworks,

so long as they don't
lighten the mood too much.

Slow down, Ma.

I'm still doing Dad's.

�No muss. �

RONNY:
Wait.

Please tell me this
is written down somewhere else.

I mean, not that it's not safe
on Sean's napkin.

It keeps tearing.

Wait, you guys must have
a will, right?

Wills are for quitters.

Life is like basketball.

If you plan to lose, you do.

Smart, Dad.

So, are you planning
to beat death

with a zone defense
or a man-to-man?

Well, Arthur, I guess we should
make an appointment

with the lawyer
and make some formal plans.

Yeah, and you better hurry up,
especially with his diet.

I've seen him send bacon back

because it was too lean.

I like the white part.

They go great with your
scrambled egg yellows.

I don't like the white part.

Leave him alone.

He's doing great
for a 72-year-old man.

I'm 62.

Oh, God, you need
to write a will.

Sync and corrections by: kDragon
www.Addic7ed.com

The McCarthys SO1E15
Original air date 2015/07/11

Oh, what am I gonna do

with these beautiful earrings?

My grandmother gave me these
when we got married.

(groans)
Have to leave them to Katrina?

You could leave
them to Jackie.

Oh, right, Jackie.

Our daughter Jackie.

Why do we even have
to go through

- all this stuff, anyway?
- Marjorie,

the lawyer told us about
that couple that didn't do it,

and when they died,
their kids fought forever.

That was me telling you about
an episode of The Good Wife.

Look at this. Look.

Remember when I got this
from the thrift store

for that Halloween party?

Piece of garbage.

Yeah, I should leave this
to Katrina.

(chuckles)

Oh!

I should give this to her now,

so she has to wear it
in front of me.

And then long after we're gone,

she'll find out
that it's worthless.

And I zing her from the grave.

(laughing)

So, how was the lawyer, Mom?

Interesting. He encouraged us

to go through our valuables,
and, Jackie,

I want you to have
these earrings.

Grandma Sarah's?

Oh, my God,
this means so much...

Great, great,
glad it worked out.

Katrina,
this priceless necklace

has been in the family
for generations.

I would love for you to have it.

And wear it.

In photographs.

Wow, thanks, Ma.

Yeah, Th-thanks, Marj.

Go ahead, put it on now.

Oh, you know,

it kind of clashes
with my outfit.

Plus, I-I don't think I have
the core strength

to wear it without supports.

Oh, nonsense.

Here you go... oh!

Oh! Welcome to the family.

Wow, really knocks
the wind out of you.

A letter from the DMV?

What the hell does this say?

- Better?
- Yeah.

Get this, the people
down at the DMV

are saying I need
to get my vision tested.

Apparently, a concerned citizen

has reported you
as a dangerous driver.

Who would do that?

Well, we know it's not
the snowman,

'cause you took him out.

Oh, it must have been
Mrs. Murphy.

She was so proud
of her grandchildren

for building that snowman.

Congratulations,
you stacked three snowballs.

Well, it must've been
Mrs. Murphy

who reported Dad.

Mystery solved.

Hi, I'd like to report
a reckless driver.

My name?

Donny Anonymous.

Oh, I can just say anonymous?

Then, yes, anonymous.

Classic Mrs. Murphy.

No wonder Mr. Murphy left.

Ronny, he died.

Yeah, no, I meant,
left this Earth.

Anyway, she's terrible.

She snitched on me like
some kind of a stool pigeon?

This is just what

I needed after two hours
with that lawyer.

All that guy wanted to talk
about was us dying.

Well, it turns out that dying
is more trouble than it's worth.

Makes you wonder
why everyone does it.

Oh, I know. We have to make
all these decisions.

Oh, and he wants us to pick one
of you as our executor.

Executor?
As in �person or entity

�appointed to oversee
the finances and estate

of a deceased party�?

How do you know that?

Ma, it's not enough
I know stuff,

now I got to know
how I know stuff?

You know,
I'd be a great executor.

I'm super responsible.

I'm gonna be a mother
in five months.

- Three months.
- Really?

I am not ready.

Ooh, pick me. I'm gonna be
an uncle in five months.

- Three months.
- Really?

I am not ready.

Guys, this is not a prize
for us to fight over.

It's a responsibility.

Let's just trust
that Mom and Dad

have the best person in mind.

- Ronny's right.
- Thanks, Mom.

We're probably gonna go
with Gerard.

I'm sorry, Mom,
you just called me Gerard.

No, I meant Gerard.

You're not gonna believe it,
you did it again.

Seriously, Gerard?

Oh, Ronny, I didn't
even want this

until you did that.

Ronny, you and I are very close.

When I die,
you're gonna be a mess.

Even still, I might be able
to handle some paperwork,

if I somehow manage not to fling
myself into the grave with you.

Oh, I'd like that.

As the executor, Ma, I'll
make sure he gets in there.

Although it might distract
from the fireworks.

You could coordinate it
with the fireworks.

Ho-ho! That'd be awesome.

None of this is awesome.

We're gonna be dead.

Well, yeah, that is
the least awesome part

of the whole scenario.

Your mother and I are gonna
make this decision alone.

I thought you already picked me?

It's not final yet,

but we don't need you kids
fighting over it

or sucking up to us.

It's not a competition.

Your father's right.

The only thing I would add is
it is a competition.

Hey, psst!

It is a competition.

Why do I have to wear this?

It's like a chandelier crawled
onto my neck and died.

It looks very sexy on you.

You look like King Tut.

Really?

That little boy drag queen?

That's who you're going with?

You heard how much
it means to my mom.

Besides, how are they gonna
make me executor

if I can't even get my fianc?e

to wear a necklace
they gave her.

I'm sorry, I couldn't catch that
over all the jangling.

Katrina, you should be honored.

That thing's been
in my family forever.

Has it, Gerard?

Or is it just a piece of junk

and she's trying
to mess with me?

You know what, she did seem real
happy when she gave it to me.

And she smiled at me.

She's never done that before.

MARJORIE:
Hey, Katrina.

Oh, you're wearing the necklace.

Wow, Marj, you eagle eye.

You can see this little thing
from over there?

Hey, Marj, I'd love to know more
about it.

- You would?
- Well, I mean, it's a heirloom,

so I'm sure it has
a rich history.

Who did it come from again?

Oh, it belonged
to my great-aunt.

Is that right?

- Gretel.
- Hm.

Gretel Von Snap.

Von Snap?

Hm, that sounds German.

I- I thought
you were 100% Irish, Marj.

We are. It was changed
at Ellis Island from O'Snap.

O'Snap?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, actually,

it was originally O'Shea.

Mm!

But, uh, poor Gretel had
a speech impediment.

- Aw. - And, uh, she lost a major
portion of her tongue.

- Did she?
- Yes.

On the voyage over. Pirates.

Uh, anyway, enjoy it.

She is. She's loving it.

Uh-huh.

Are there any pictures

of Great-Aunt Gretel
O'Snap-O'Shea-Von Snap

wearing it?

I wish.

Uh, Gretel
was never photographed.

She was
very unfortunate looking,

and that was even
before the tongue incident.

Is that so?

That is so.

Hmm.

Hey, everyone, I just took Dad
to the eye doctor,

and he's a little sensitive,
so be nice.

Sensitive about what?

You look distinguished.

They frame your face.

Go ahead.

They frame Boston.

When the glass shortage comes,

you're gonna be very powerful.

You look like
Elton John's grandpa.

They're just jealous,

little yellow guy
from Despicable Me.

Okay, Ronny.

What do you got?

I think they
look good.

(laughs)
I don't get it.

There's nothing
to get, Sean.

Just a sincere
compliment to my father.

Ronny's being sincere,
that's not fair!

Mine was sincere, too!

Oh, really?

I sincerely look
like Elton John's grandpa?

More like that old guy
from Up.

(laughing):
Why can't I stop?

Hey, Ronny.

What you're doing?

Making a nice lamb and couscous
for Mom and Dad.

Just a little send-off
to the lawyer's office.

Dad's more likely
to think of me

if he's burping
my food in there.

They're not gonna eat
lamb and couscous.

Well, they will if I tell them
it's beef chunks and mini-rice.

Mmm, nicely done.

Chunks are Dad's favorite food.

Ah, Ronny, you got
this thing in the bag.

You know Mom
and Dad so well.

You're responsible.

You're loyal.

Why are you smiling?

Why did you say
�loyal� like that?

I don't know, Ronny.

Why'd you call the DMV
and report Dad?

Ex-couscous me?

Ah-ha-ha...

Nervous wordplay.

It's always been your tell.

Lamb it.

So why'd you
do it, Ronny?

Why'd you call the DMV
on your own father?

I didn't.

It was anonymous coward,
Mrs. Murphy.

Remember her grandkids'
snowman?

Five-foot-tall
white guy?

I thought it was Murphy, too.

And then I stopped
for coffee yesterday,

and ended up with a scalding-hot
cup of truth.

Medium coffee, please.

Can I get a name
for the cup?

GERARD:
How about �Rat Fink�?

Excuse me?

(scoffs)
Come on, Mrs. Murphy.

We all know you called
the DMV on my dad.

I've never called the DMV
on anybody in my life.

Is that even a thing?

So you didn't make the call?

Who are you?

MAN:
Rat Fink.

I got a medium
coffee for Rat Fink.

I'll get that for you.

(chuckles)

Muffin?

So then I thought,

if it wasn't
Mrs. Murphy,

what other self-righteous person
with an old-lady personality

could it be?

I only did it
because Dad needed glasses,

and he wouldn't listen.

Look, sometimes it's better
to choose responsibility

over popularity.

�Responsibility
over popularity�?

Sew it on a
pillow, Ronny.

You know how Dad
feels about snitches.

It's over.

You know what, I'm glad
you're telling Dad.

Good.

Wait, why are you glad?

You know how he feels
about snitches.

But you're the one who snitched,
I'd just be telling on you.

Yeah, like a snitch.

Lamb it.

Oh, hey, guys.

I heard Ronny's making
Mediterranean food for lunch.

No, beef chunks and mini-rice.

Mmm.

Ronny knows how much
Arthur loves chunks.

Oh, no.

Where's the necklace?

Oh, I felt nervous

wearing something so precious,

so I left it at home.

In the special case
that I got for it.

Oh, you got
a special case for it?

You hear that, Arthur?

She got a special case
for it.

Yeah, I also got it insured.

And she got it insured.

Of course, I had
to have it appraised.

And, Marjorie, when you said
it was valuable, I had no idea.

No idea what?

Well, you know
how much it's worth.

Well, we might have
different appraisers.

What did yours say?

Oh, doesn't matter.

To me,
it's priceless.

Because it's been
in your family for so very long.

And it's a symbol of how much
you love and accept me.

Yeah, yeah, how much?

$11,000.

$11,000?!

That thing is worth $11,000?!

I just thought I was giving her
a worthless piece of crap!

Unless it is a worthless
piece of crap.

And she's lying to me.

Of course.

Oh, she's baiting me.

She's baiting me!

She wants me to call
her on her lie,

because in doing so,

I would be admitting
that I gave her junk.

Unless she's not lying.

In which case, I just gave her
the most expensive thing we own.

Oh, Arthur, she is
a worthy adversary.

Sorry, I didn't catch
all of that.

I think I blacked out after
you said you gave away 11 grand.

Let me boil it down for you.

It's check mate.

Don't you see?

If she's lying, she wins.

If she's not lying, she wins.

And after I gave her a necklace.

Oh, Arthur.

No good deed
goes unpunished.

This rice is weird,

but I'm loving the chunks.

Sorry I'm late,
everyone.

Sean, what's all this?

This is a presentation
on why I'd be

a worthy executor
for your estate.

I'd like to begin by citing
the age-old practice of...

primogeniture.

The right of the firstborn
male child

to inherit the titles and
responsibilities of his parents.

This is more impressive
than I expected.

As you can see here...

I am the oldest.

This is about what I expected.

I would also like to point out
that none of my other siblings

are the oldest, only me.

In conclusion,
I, Sean the elder,

should inherit the kingdom.

Did I make it too complicated?

No, I think the problem
was that you made it.

Enough already, we told you...

your mother and I are gonna
make this decision

without your input.

That's
a good call, Dad.

But if I may just throw in
one more relevant tidbit,

I know who called
the DMV on Dad.

and it wasn't
Mrs. Murphy.

You're really
gonna do this?

I am, Ronny.

- It was me.
- What?

What?

Dad needed glasses.

He wasn't safe out there.

I mean, sometimes

it's better to choose
responsibility over popularity.

Gerard, you did the right thing.

Very responsible.

Thank you for caring, son.

I'm gonna wear these with pride.

What the hell?

Gerard is a liar.

I called the DMV.

Oh, Ronny, this is
poor sportsmanship.

Ronny, I'm so surprised.

You used to be
the responsible one.

I still am!

This is crazy!

How am I not the executor?!

He just listed
us by age,

he lied about
making the phone call,

she's...
Ronny made lamb!

You said it was beef chunks!

You had two plates of them!

Wow, huh, I'm glad
this shrill mad man isn't

in charge of my afterlife.

Oh, come on, this...

(everybody talking
over each other)

Everybody, stop!

The whole point in making
these decisions now

is so that you wouldn't
be fighting about it later.

But that's all you're doing.

This isn't a game.

This is about me
and your mother being... gone.

And wanting you guys to be okay.

Come on, we're going
to the lawyer.

Well, who are you gonna put
as executor?

What? All of a sudden,
you don't care?

We're leaving it blank.

Oh, Marj?

Hey, Marj.

Um, can you see
if that lawyer does prenups?

I mean, I assume that Gerard and
I are gonna be together forever,

but if we do crap out,

I want to make sure he doesn't
get his hands on my necklace.

(stammers)

Oh?
(imitates stammer)

- Ho...
- Uh...

- Ho...
- I'll...

Okay.
(chuckles)

You know the ones
where there's,

like, a small boom,
and then a big boom,

followed by kind of
a willowy sizzle?

I'll just put,
�Fireworks at funeral. �

Put, �Cool fireworks,
set to music,

with possibly somebody
jumping in the grave. �

Sir, I'm gonna need you
to put the pen down.

- Carol?
- It's fine, these are our kids.

Never mind, Carol,
you're doing a great job.

What are you doing here?

We wanted to apologize

for the way we've
been acting.

We got a little crazy.
Yeah.

I guess we're all just having
a really hard time

thinking about you guys
being gone.

That's why you turned this thing
into a competition?

Well, I may have sent
a mixed message.

By telling them
that it was a competition.

But, Arthur, remember
when they were kids,

and it was all, �I want
to sit next to Mom,�

and, �I want Dad to
play catch with me�?

And that was nice.

I miss that.

So I guess that's why I pitted
you all against each other.

Like stray winter dogs.

You know what, Ma,
it doesn't matter

which one of us you
put down as executor,

because we're all
gonna do it together.

- He's right.
- Yeah.

That's very sweet.

And thank you, uh...

Now, get out of here, this
guy charges by the hour.

Actually, by the half hour.

Go, go.

Ah, they're good kids.

Yeah.

We did all right.

They do seem great.

Except for the barging in
and all.

But you still need
to pick one of them.

Oh, right, um,
put Gerard down.

Gerard?

Well, he's got Katrina
on his side,

and she's smarter
than all of them combined.

Yeah, they're dumb.

Wait.

Unless Katrina masterminded
this whole thing.

Knowing that
I would put Gerard,

so she could be
next to the seat of power.

Put Ronny.

Unless she wanted me
to put Ronny.

We're gonna
be here a while.

Oh, here's somebody
she's not expecting... Sean.

Sync and corrections by: kDragon
www.Addic7ed.com

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