All language subtitles for Spin City s06e04 The Apartment.eng

I've got a tape
I want you to see.

Ooh, I hope it's
that croc hunter.

I tell you,
that guy's nuts.

Actually, it's
from "New York one."

Citizens are not happy about
your relationship with Claire.

What do you think about
the mayor conducting an affair

with a married woman
at Gracie mansion?

I think it's a disgrace.

I mean, the taxpayers' money
paid for his home.

I think it shows no class.

The man has no concept
of dignified behavior.

That broad
needs to get some.

T-that's ridiculous.

Claire's just waiting for
her divorce to be finalized.

I wouldn't put stock
in these.

What kind of people
hang out in central park

in the middle
of a workday?

Look who we have here.

Amy!
Hey, what do you say?

Paul, what do you think

of the mayor bringing a married
woman back to Gracie mansion?

I think it's terrible.
Can you believe it?

I mean, the guy's taking
a public building,

he's turning it into
a Roman bathhouse.

Of course, this is
off the record.

Actually,
this is on the record.

The camera's
right over there.

This might be a good time to
tell you about my twin brother.

So, how was your weekend?

Terrible. I went on three
dates... all disasters.

I'm starting to wonder if there are
any quality single men in this city.

I'm single.

Quali single men.

I'm sorry,
I didn't hear that part.

Why do I think
that meeting some guy

is going to
complete my life?

You know,
I am tired of guys.

I say that all the time.

Then I watch Brad pitt in
"fight club" and I'm back in.

Caitlin, your problem is that
you don't understand men.

All they're interested in
is sports, booze, and women.

Wow, you even got
the order right.

Caitlin, can I give you
a little advice?

No. And to top it off, I have to
go to a baby shower tonight.

What's wrong with that?

Everyone there will be married
with a family except for me.

I'll go with you. But I have to
be back home by 10:00.

Why?

"Fight club" is on.

Every paper has a negative story
about us at the mansion.

Don't they have anything
else to write about?

Yeah, don't they know
that crime is up?

Turn the page.

There you go.

Sir, if I may,

maybe you and judge Simmons
should find some place

other than Gracie mansion
to spend your couple time.

It's the only place we can go
to get away from reporters.

If we go to my place,
they're there...

If we go to a restaurant,
they're there.

People are always
chasing after us,

just like that
poor princess.

Diana?

No... Leia.

Sir, we are in the middle
of an election.

It might be wise to take some
time off from each other.

I don't think we should
let public opinion

dictate our relationship.

I mean, what's the worst
that could happen?

The mayor could
lose the election.

Fine... then he'd
have more time

to focus on his
driftwood sculptures.

Just go with it...
she digs artists.

Randall, whatever you decide,
I'll support...

whether you're the mayor
or a sculptor

or even if you go back
to being a Navy seal.

Bye.

I've used that one.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, sir, can you and Claire
spend some time apart?

Charlie, I've waited a long time
to find a woman like that.

The wine of my love
has been uncorked.

I've got to let it breathe.

Well, sometimes you
appreciate wine more

if you haven't had
a drink for a while.

What if she goes looking
for another vintage?

Something more fragrant...

With a larger penis?

I've said too much.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah.

Guys, there's someone
I'd like you to meet.

This is Shelly,
my publicist.

You hired a publicist?

Well, after that
"New York one" experience,

I decided it was time
to improve my image.

I want the public
to know the real me.

Paul, the fact that people don't know
the real you is your strongest asset.

Starting tomorrow,
we'll take this town by storm.

Oh. Check out
the getaway sticks on blondie.

Paul... I can't believe
I'm going to say this...

you're too big
for this guy.

Shelly's gonna make me

one of the most
recognizable men in this city.

How much are you paying him?

I give him 5% of my earnings

and I drive him
to the doctor twice a week.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sir, I need your signature
on this letter.

I really miss Claire.

It's been eight hours.

That's like
three full workdays.

Oh, it's almost 2:00.

RADIO D.J.: Next up,
I've got a special request.

Running a city
is a lonely job...

especially without your lady.

So this one's going out from
the mayor of love town

to judge Claire bear.

BREAD:
* baby, I'm-a want you *

* baby, I'm-a need you *

* you're the only one I care
enough to hurt abo * t

nothing tugs
on your heartstrings

like a group of men
singing like women.

Sir, I don't want you
to be unhappy.

If you have to see Claire,
just be discreet.

Maybe take her out of town
or go to a friend's house.

That's good advice, Charlie.
I feel better already.

* ...Used to be my life was just
emotions passing by *

* emotions passing by

I'm gonna go now, sir.

* feeling all the while,
but never really knowing why *

mmm... Peaches and apricots.

No, wait... peaches
and strawberries?

Right!

Oh, good.

Okay. Now your turn.

Mm! Mm! Mm!
Could be squash.

Hmm, there's
a hint of fennel...

With a white truffle
infusion.

It's stewed peas.

I was getting there.

Okay, now let's
open the gifts.

[BABY TALK] Look at
the little baby booties.

Look at the little,
little...

What happened
to my friends?

They used to be intelligent,
independent women.

They get near a baby and
they lose all ability to speak.

Ooh, look at the baby booties,
booties, booties.

Baby booties, oh.

If I ever talk like that,
you have permission to slap me.

I have to go to
the ladies' room.

Can you hold Jackson?

Oh, I don't know
if I'm comfortable...

oh, you'll be fine.

Oh. Oh, you know what?

I don't think he
likes me very much.

You want me to take him?
That's a good idea.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.

Oh, my gosh.

You're smiling at me.

Yes, you did!

Yes, you did!

Oh, what a little cutsie,
wootsie baby!

I'll slap you when you
put the baby down.

Oh, he's such
a little angel. Oh.

I'm back.
Thanks, Caitlin.

No, I'm fine.

No, really,
I'd like him back.

Oh, you get him
all the time.

That is a gorgeous baby.

Thank you.
Thank you.

And... Baseball.

[CROWD CHEER]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Sir, what are
you doing here?

Remember when you
said Claire and I

needed to be more discreet...
maybe go to a friend's house?

Yeah.

Hey, friend.

What's rags doing here?

I thought he was shooting
a dog-food commercial.

Carter stormed
off the set

over
creative differences.

Rags isn't going
to play second fiddle

to some...
Taco-eating chihuahua!

You know
what rags needs?

A good publicist.

"Shelly hallerman...

"for all your u.S.O. Needs.

Our performers
will fly to Korea."

Keep it.

Hey, Charlie, how about
that game last night?!

I didn't see it.

The mayor came by
with Claire

and "Claire bear" wanted
to watch the food network.

But don't talk about
the game... I taped it.

Oh, Charlie, Charlie...

Claire and I really appreciate
you letting us hang out

at your place last night.

My place is your place.

Great, 'cause
I had a key made.

Oh, listen...

by the way, I had your security
code changed to my birthday...

Easier for me to remember.

When is your
birthday, sir?

Oh, Charlie, you don't need
to get me anything.

I'm already staying
at your place.

Carter, thank you for coming
to the baby shower with me.

You didn't want to go and you
ended up having a great time.

But it was more than that.
It really made me think.

In fact, I've got
some big news.

Is it bigger than
the mayor and his girlfriend

moving into my apartment?

I'm having a baby.

So, yes.

You're pregnant?
No.

Phew!

Why are you so relieved?
We never had sex.

Force of habit.

Caitlin, when did
you make this decision?

When I was holding
Jill's baby,

it made me realize
what I'd been missing.

Drool?

'Cause if that's what you're
missing, just go wink at Stuart.

So, you're planning to have
a baby by yourself?

Why should I hold up my life
for some man I may never meet?

There are other options.

Yes, there are.

And I want you to know it would
be an honor to impregnate you.

I can assure you the experience
will be fast and efficient.

Your pleasure
will be minimal...

And I will only be as
excited as is necessary.

I'm flattered.

But it's my
responsibility as a woman

to make sure you
never reproduce.

Point taken.

I think this is wonderful.

Imagine... being responsible
for another person,

feeding them,
cleaning up after them,

laying their clothes out
in the morning.

I have that now with the mayor.
It ain't that great.

So, Carter, I'm not crazy, right?
I can do this. Absolutely.

I've just never taken care
of anyone before.

Why don't you take rags
for a couple of days?

He might give you a sense

of what it feels like
to be a parent.

How?

If you can take care of him,
a kid will be a breeze.

Fine. Hand him over.

Great!

These are his medications.

Now, the green one
gives him a healthy coat.

The yellow one
is for his eyes.

And the red one
is for his tooth.

Shelly and I just closed
a major deal this morning.

By this time next week,
every bus in this city

is gonna have a 5x10-foot photo
of my face on it.

So it'll be actual size?

Ha ha, what, are you jealous,
Mr. small potatoes?

You're looking
at the spokesman

for the department of
education's new ad campaign,

and look... This is my first check.
How much?

I will put it in terms that you
can understand, Stuart.

It's roughly 35 lap dances.

$723?!

Here comes the choo-choo.

Chugga chugga chugga chugga,
chugga chugga chugga chugga.

Why won't you eat?
You're acting crazy.

Yeah, the dog's
the crazy one.

Lower your voice.

Why?
Rags is finicky.

He won't eat
if there's too much noise.

Are you kidding me?
The dog is deaf.

Those ears are
completely decorative.

Watch this.

Aaaaaaaaaaaahh!

[SILENCE]

Stop it! You don't know what
I've been through with this dog.

He wouldn't take his bath,
he won't take his pills,

and now I can't get him to eat.
Eat, rags, eat.

Keep it up... he won't call you
when he gets to college.

It's not so easy.

You try getting him
to do something.

I'm sorry I'm not being
that understanding.

Thanks to the mayor,
I haven't slept in two nights.

The guy is totally
in my space.

Charlie, you have to talk to him
before it gets out of control.

It's the first time the guy's
been happy in years.

Do you want me to crush him
in the middle of an election?

[PAGER CHIMES]

That's probably him
paging me.

I got a meeting to go to.

Where's my pager?

Oh, it was on
the table next to rags.

[PAGER CHIMES]

I've got an emergency.
My dog just swallowed a pager.

Are you sure?

[PAGER CHIMES]

I'll get a doctor.

Oh, God, please be okay.
What happened?

Oh, well, I had three horrible
dates last weekend,

and I went to this baby shower
with my friend Carter,

and I thought I wanted a baby,
so I took rags,

and Charlie screamed at him,
and then he ate a pager,

and now I'm never going to be
a mother!

Dogs swallow
things all the time.

Doctors will get
that out in minutes.

Now, just take
some deep breaths.

That helps.

When I was in law school,

this guy ate the passenger
seat to my v.W. Rabbit.

Really?

So you're a lawyer.

That restaurant was great,
Charlie.

Well,
the night isn't over.

Are you interested in some soft
music and a little wine?

No, but I'd like
to fool around.

Let's go with yours.

CLAIRE:
Hey, Charlie.

You're just in time for
some cheese fondue.

It's a lot of fun.

But what a mess, huh?
See?

That keeps happening.

Charlie, I have
to get up early.

Why don't I go and you stay here
and hang out with your parents?

They're not my parents.

Good night,
Mr. and Mrs. Crawford.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, pull up a seat...
we'll start a new jenga.

No, I think I'll just
go to my room

and watch the tape
of last night's game.

Was that labeled "yankees/
Red Sox, do not erase"?

Yes, it was. Why?

Well, we accidentally
taped over it.

But if you want to watch "Dawson's"
later, you're good to go.

Get out.
What?

Get your stuff, get your fondue,
get your jenga, get out.

Charlie, it was just
a baseball game.

It's not just the game.
It's my apartment.

This isn't city hall.
This is my home.

I've got hot cheese.

Put the cheese down, Claire.
We're leaving.

All right.

You can have
your keys back.

I won't be bothering
you anymore.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I feel like
such a failure.

All I had to do was take care
of rags for one day,

and I couldn't do it.

Who am I kidding?
I am not ready for this.

Don't give up so easily.

You had one crisis.
You handled it well.

When I was at the hospital,
I was freaking out and...

and there was this really nice
guy that helped me through it,

and it made me realize
that when I have a baby,

I don't want to do it alone.

Okay. No, I-I-it makes...
it makes sense.

What's wrong?

I got to admit...

I'm a little disappointed.

I thought if you
had a child,

I could do everything
that a father does, you know...

Take the kid to the salon...

Dance class, shopping...

And if it was a girl,
I could learn.

Carter, have you ever thought
about having a baby yourself?

It's crossed my mind.
But it would never work.

I mean, I'm single,
I have a career.

Besides, do you know how hard it
is for a gay man to adopt?

Those are just excuses.
You're a born nurturer.

Right now there is
a kid out there

who would be so lucky
to have you as their dad.

You really think so?

Of course.
You've had enough practice.

You treat that dog
as if it were a child.

One time, I made him
little pants.

Hello, Charlie. I want to apologize
on behalf of both of us.

Sometimes Randall can be
a little insensitive.

Hear! Hear!

He grew up with a silver spoon,
and quite frankly,

he can be selfish.

Guilty as charged.

People give, he takes.

And takes... And takes...
And ta...

let's wrap this up.

Charlie, I really am sorry.

Charlie, I really meant...
Everything that Claire said.

I guess I should
apologize, too.

I did overreact last night.

If I was bothering you, why
didn't you just say something?

I mean, you of all people

know how oblivious I am
to other people's suffering.

It's not my style
to complain...

especially to my boss.

I'm not just your boss,
I'm your friend.

And friends should be able
to tell each other anything...

even if it's bad.

Now, come... come on.

Tell me something
I don't want to hear.

Let's not go
down this path.

I'll go first. Um...
[Clears throat]

Charlie, sometimes you go
a little nuts with the hair gel.

Okay.

See? Ha ha.

Sir?

Uh-huh?

"Furthertheless"
is not a word.

Stop using it.

You breathe too loud.

I don't like it when you
talk to me at the urinal.

You come in late every day.

That's you.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think
this is helping.

No, this is good... as mayor,
I'm constantly surrounded

by people who tell me
what I want to hear.

I've got a million friends...

But not a lot
of close friends.

I was hoping you could
be one, Charlie.

I'd be honored.

And I'll try
to be one, too.

Hey, buddy.

Tell you what...

I'll buy you a drink
at my favorite cigar bar.

Uh, to be honest, sir,
cigar bars are pretty lame.

Crawford, I'm your boss.

I'll see you at
the Cuban room in 20 minutes.

Charlie,
Carter has big news.

Is it bigger than the mayor
and Claire leaving my apartment?

I'm gonna have a baby.

I gotta stop asking
that question.

Oh, what is with
the hat?

I'm incognito.
Why?

When the buses with my face
on it hit the streets,

I'm gonna be
an instant celebrity.

You're gonna wish
you were me.

Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.

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