Original subtitles

This Mother's Day thing really bites.

Yeah. A whole Sunday totally wasted.

Like her birthday wasn't enough.

Hey, your mom works real hard all year.

She deserves one day to relax and do nothing.

What about us? We don't get a kid's day.

Some day, my angel, you'll be a parent

and realize that every day is kid's day.

Man, you just want to smack them when they say that.

I didn't park in the driveway, like you asked.

I cleaned the entire house,

went shopping for the barbecue items.

Is there anything else I can do while I'm queen for a damned day?

Did you remember the beer?

Just wait till Father's Day.

Oh, you're here already?

Yeah.

Where's grandma?

Talking to the radio station.

Oh, of course. Grandma...

Wait a minute.

Don't go to a station break

when I'm in the middle of my opinion.

All right, all right. Do it your way.

I'm on hold.

What's the topic?

Meat.

This Ted from Toledo thinks it's mean to kill cows.

Does he want us to eat them alive?

That's very good. I'll use that.

What took you so long?

We made three stops

so she could phone in her outrage.

Jackie, you be glad that you live in a country

where anybody can pull over to a Stuckey's

and express their freedom of speech.

And get a nice pecan log.

Hey, Ted,

I am at a barbecue.

What do you suggest we put on the grill? Broccoli?

When did you guys get here?

A couple minutes ago.

Hold on. Danny!

My favorite grandson-in-law!

Hey, kids!

Nana Mary's here!

You giving them what-for, grandma?

I'm trying to, but the kind of people

that call into these talk shows,

they're not the brightest in the world.

- Nana Mary! - Hi, Nana Mary!

Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on!

My three gorgeous great-grandchildren just walked in.

And guess what? You'll never believe it,

but little Darlene has boobies!

You remember that Ethel Schneider?

She lived in the apartment across the hall?

Yeah.

The one with the rich grandson

that would be perfect for you, Jackie.

That's the one.

What about her?

Dead.

Oh, god.

If the grandson's at the funeral,

you could wear that scoop-necked black sweater.

Knock it off.

I don't want to talk about

my love life or dead people.

Can I talk about my love life?

Yes, fine.

Well, you remember that Marvin Spencer?

He was the one with the hot pants for me.

Oh, yeah. He asked you out?

Yes, once.

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

Yeah?

But he never called me again.

Why not?

Dead.

See? I'm... I'm leaving.

You coward!

Grandma, you should move in.

We could do this to Jackie all the time.

Roseanne, we've been through this before.

Suppose I didn't like living here.

Then you'd fit right in.

Can I bring anything out to the table?

Chips or dip or something?

No, I don't want you to take anything.

Just 'cause I'm pregnant

doesn't mean I can't pitch in.

Crystal, it's because you eat everything

before you get it out there.

Well, the baby's hungry.

You keep feeding him like that

and he'll never want to leave.

Mary, I can't tell you

how good it is to see you again.

Yeah. Me, too, sweetheart.

You've always been gorgeous,

but right now you're simply glowing.

Why, what a nice thing to say.

I'm glad to see that bad manners

don't run in the family.

Who is that, again?

That's Crystal. You know...

She married Dan's dad.

Oh, right.

Look, I don't like to talk bad about people...

Never...

And I know she's one of your best friends,

but that's a sick thing.

What are you looking at?

I'm thinking I can help you with your potato salad.

No, you're trying to steal my recipe.

Get the hell out of here.

Well, why won't you give me your recipe?

I slaved for 30 years,

creating a perfect potato salad.

You think I'll tell you just like that?

Well, I am your granddaughter.

In regards to my potato salad,

you are nothing to me.

And speaking of nothing,

did you call your mother?

I'll call her later.

You know, I don't talk bad about anybody...

Yeah, I know.

And I know she's your mother,

but I never understood

what your father saw in her.

She's your daughter.

Company!

Hi. Glad you could make it.

Where should I put these deviled eggs?

Out back, but don't let Crystal see them.

Hey, this must be Chuck junior.

Couldn't be.

The Chuck junior I fed and clothed for 16 years

would never have forgotten Mother's Day.

Oh, ma...

Shut up.

Hello!

Oh, yeah. This is Chuck, Anne-Marie,

and the evil Chuck junior.

This is my grandmother Mary.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It's a real pleasure.

Yes. Me, too,

and I want you to know I'm not prejudiced.

Mmm. Anne-Marie, these deviled eggs are good!

I should have made more.

Oh! The baby just kicked.

It's ok, honey.

We're at a barbecue at your brother Dan's house,

and all our friends are here.

I read that you should talk to the baby

so he can get used to your voice.

He can even understand a little.

Hey, baby, back off the buffet.

Rosey!

What?

I need a big bowl.

Uh, it's in the cupboard next to the sink.

Do you believe her?

She throws me out of my own damn kitchen

so she can make her secret potato salad.

Uh-oh, we're out of coffee. I'll make some more.

Forget it. This ain't work.

If people want coffee,

they can make it their self.

That's just what she says at the restaurant.

Bonnie, how come your husband didn't show?

Oh, Duke couldn't come.

He's still got 20 hours of community service to do.

Look at this sweater my daughter sent me from Oregon.

That's wonderful. It's real pretty.

She remembered mother's day,

and she's all the way in Oregon.

Oh, mom.

- Ha ha! - Way to go.

There's worse things, Anne-Marie.

My kids all chipped in and bought me these strawberry bath beads.

I'm giving them out for Halloween.

Rosey!

What?

Where do you keep the Tabasco sauce?

In the fridge door.

Hey, she puts Tabasco in the potato salad.

No way!

I'm making myself a bloody Mary.

I'm going long.

Say, Dan, you might think about

stacking those coals like a pyramid.

No, no, no.

This way, you get them all with the lighter fluid.

Stack them, you miss the ones in the middle.

Why don't you spray them first

and stack them after?

Well, no, no, no.

See, all your fluid evaporates if you do that.

Trust me, it's better this way.

I disagree.

The way you got them,

they're spread out, working all alone,

but if you stack them,

they're working like a team.

Well, let me ask you something, Chuck.

Once they're stacked in a pyramid,

are you going to cook in a pyramid?

Of course not. You spread them out.

If they're going to wind up spread out,

why not start them spread out?

See, Dan, you don't understand.

No, I understand!

You're just arguing in circles, that's all.

Listen, no...

Well, you know what I'd do?

The ones that didn't light,

I'd blast them with another shot of fluid.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You blast hot coals with lighter fluid...

Up the stream, into the can, and boom!

You'll be a human torch.

Fine.

Dan, those burgers are looking pretty thick.

I don't think they'll cook.

Well, I'm going to stack them in a pyramid

so they'll cook as a team.

Arnie, how come you're not at your mother's house?

I owe her money.

You got to beat a 10.

I got to beat a 10.

Queen!

I win. Give me the money.

Nana, I'm down $9.00.

How about double or nothing?

You got that kind of money?

I'll owe you.

No can do.

Geez, I'm your great-granddaughter.

Don't you trust me?

When we're playing cards for money,

you're nothing to me.

Don't even think about it!

Why can't he have some potato salad?

I don't like him.

He keeps hitting on me.

All right. Come on, Becky, cut.

I'm not playing. You're cheating.

You're accusing your Nana of cheating?

Nana, you haven't lost once.

So I'm due now. Cut.

No way.

Becky, how could Nana cheat at cutting cards?

It's her deck, Einstein.

For that, you are out of the will.

Well, I want a new deck.

All right. I happen to have one here.

Ok, 1... 2... 3...

Shoot.

Ok, I pick first.

I got Lonnie.

Ok...

Oh, geez.

Yeah, I guess I got Becky.

Let's see.

I don't know.

Pick me, man. I'm good.

Roseanne, this is a great party.

We're having a good time.

I'm glad you could make it.

I love your grandmother.

How old is she? She looks good.

I don't think anybody knows.

The only people that ever knew are dead.

To my wife on Mother's Day.

Oh, shucks.

Wait. Your husband gives you a present for Mother's Day?

Mm-hmm.

I'll be right back. Chuck...

Too heavy to be vacuum cleaner bags.

It ain't like it's our anniversary or nothing.

Um, oven mitts?

Would you just open it?

All right.

For Pete's sake.

Oh, it's a picture of you and the kids.

Where's my real present?

No, I remember the day you took this.

You and the kids sneaked off for a couple hours

and I got the house all to myself.

That was your real present.

Well, it's really nice.

You think I'd forget you on Mother's Day?

Did you call your mother?

Mom, I just called to say happy Mother's Day.

Oh, you got the robe.

I picked it out myself.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, dad's fine.

He got stuck out of town on business,

so we're feeding Crystal for him.

I got a house full of people here,

so I got to go.

Yeah, mom.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Listen, I got burgers cooking,

so I...

Yeah.

Yeah, mom, I love you, too.

Oh, look, D.J.'s hair is on fire. I got to...

Yeah, mom.

Yeah, ma, we're real sorry

you and dad couldn't make it.

Yep, grandma's here.

She's in there taking a nap.

Yeah, uh-huh. Jackie?

No! No! No! No!

Yeah, she's here. Uh-huh.

The kids are fine.

Did you get the blouse we sent you?

No, the shoulders are supposed to be big like that.

If you don't like it, send it back.

I'll get you something else.

Don't pretend you like it if you don't.

It's no big deal.

Just send it back, and we'll exchange it.

No, it's no problem.

If it was a problem, I would tell you.

I would.

I would.

I would.

Oh, Jackie just came in.

No!

Hi, mom. Hi. How you doing?

Mm-hmm. How's dad?

Good.

Well, uh, my love to everybody.

Uh... Actually, no.

I'm not seeing anybody right now.

I hate you.

Heh heh heh heh.

Um, no, we broke up. Yeah.

Well, it just didn't work out.

Yeah, I know you liked him,

but then, you didn't have to sleep with him.

Yes!

I'm kidding, mom.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Uh, no, don't have a job yet.

There's just nothing that I like.

I know exactly how old I am, mom.

I don't know why you do this.

She knows exactly what to say to make me nuts!

Give me the phone.

Hello, Beverly, dear.

It's your mother!

Yes, and the same to you, sweetheart.

Yes.

No, it didn't come.

No, it didn't come.

Oh, really? A houseplant?

No, no, it didn't come.

It came. I put it on Marvin's grave.

Well, don't worry about it.

It's the thought that counts,

especially since I didn't get it.

Tell me, Beverly, how's that nice husband of yours?

Is he still reading those funny magazines?

Beverly, perhaps you should show him more affection.

You know, let him talk once in a while.

You know how it is.

Men that age often get their heads turned

by younger, more attentive women.

The next thing you know,

the wife is out shopping for a cat.

No. No, dear.

No, I did not mean anything by it.

It's just that you never know.

I didn't say you...

She's the best.

♪ It's so hard to find a personality ♪

♪ with charms like yours for me ♪

♪ ooh ooh eee ♪

♪ ooh ooh eee ♪

♪ ooh ooh eee ♪

Bring it home, Chuck.

♪ What's your name ♪

♪ what's your name ♪

♪ shooby doo bop wa dah ♪

♪ ooh wee ooh ooh ♪

Yeah!

All right.

Yeah!

Ugh, this is gross. Let's go watch TV.

Any requests?

Yeah, I... I do have one.

You know that song? Ok...

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪

Play something Roseanne doesn't know the words to.

Like that's going to stop me.

Don't you listen to her.

You have a beautiful voice.

Play something else, Dan.

♪ I don't like you... ♪

Yeah, that's good.

♪ But I love you ♪

♪ seems that I'm always thinking of you ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ oh, you do me badly ♪

♪ I love you madly ♪

♪ you really got a hold on me ♪

♪ I don't want you ♪

♪ but I need you ♪

♪ don't want to kiss you ♪

♪ but I need to ♪

♪ oh, oh, whoa, you do me wrong now ♪

♪ my love is strong now ♪

♪ you really got a hold on me ♪

♪ I said, you really got a hold on me ♪

♪ baby, I love you ♪

♪ and all I want you to do ♪

♪ is just hold me, hold me ♪

♪ hold me ♪

♪ hold me ♪

♪ you really got a hold on me ♪

Man!

YAY!

- YAY! - That was great!

I love you, Nana.

I love you, too,

and if your mother gives you a hard time,

you call me.

You got it.

Goodbye, honey.

Ok, little wise-ass, I'm going to say goodbye.

I'll see you soon.

You bet you will. You owe me 112 bucks.

Can't you even stay for a cup of coffee?

No, no.

I have to go right now.

Sex talk radio is on in five minutes.

If I don't call, they worry.

Well, Roseanne, everything was beautiful.

Come on, let's get it over with.

What?

What you ask me every time we visit.

You always say no.

I might say yes sometime.

Nah, you're just setting me up.

How do you know?

I know what you're doing.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Grandma, come live with us.

It won't be a burden. We'll make room. Ok?

No! She's got to say it.

You're nothing to her, see.

All right.

Well, we all love you, grandma.

Come live with us, ok?

No, thanks.

I knew it.

Well, come here.

D.J., Nana's leaving!

Hello, you.

Sweetie pie, you're going to come and visit me. Promise?

You have to go?

Uh-huh.

How come?

Your mother really doesn't

want me around here.

You're a horrible old lady.

That's true, and just think...

In 40 years, you are going to be exactly like me.

Well, I guess that gives you something to look forward to.

♪ We're going to the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to the freak show tonight ♪

♪ it don't cost no money ♪

♪ 'cause it ain't so doggone funny ♪

♪ we are going to the freak show tonight ♪

♪ it's free ♪

Yee-hee!

♪ It's a show ♪

♪ it's a show ♪

♪ to get in don't take any dough ♪

♪ hey, it don't take no money ♪

♪ 'cause it ain't too doggone funny ♪

♪ we're going to the freak show tonight ♪

Hee-haw!

Look at my little idiot son!

He's a-dancin'.

I put him up on the bar

to do that for pickled eggs last week.

We got Roy Clark comin' out next,

the Hee-Haw honeys,

the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders...

And the national in-breeding finalists.

They're coming to ya!

♪ We're going to the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to the freak show tonight ♪

Hee-haw!

♪ It don't cost no money ♪

♪ 'cause it ain't too doggone funny ♪

♪ we're going to the freak show tonight ♪

♪ going to the freak show ♪

♪ going to the freak show ♪

♪ tonight ♪

Heeeee!