Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:21,846
Is it a boy or a girl?
2
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:24,081
Wait for the ring
to start moving.
3
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:25,383
Side to side's a boy.
4
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:26,817
Up and down's a girl.
5
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,119
I don't want to know.
6
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,354
Well, then don't look.
7
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:32,123
Well, only tell me
if it's a girl.
8
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,491
Side to side.
9
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,693
It's a boy.
10
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,227
Oh, I wanted a girl.
11
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:40,364
Well, you should have laid
the other way.
12
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:44,168
This is stupid.
13
00:01:44,203 --> 00:01:44,903
You're right.
14
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,005
Let's do it the scientific way.
15
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,407
Let me look at your butt.
16
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,209
What are you talking about?
17
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:52,343
It's a scientific fact.
18
00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,813
If it's a flat pancake butt,
19
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:55,513
it's a girl,
20
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,582
and if it's a bubble butt,
21
00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:58,516
it's a boy.
22
00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:01,453
I am not going
to show you my butt.
23
00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:03,421
Come on. Just do it.
24
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,223
God, mom.
Get a life.
25
00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:07,825
We're just trying to figure out
26
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,161
the sex of Crystal's baby.
27
00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:11,197
Who cares?
28
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:13,698
It's just going to be
another screaming, whining,
29
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:16,901
bratty, little life-sucking
poop machine.
30
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:20,872
You still want her to babysit?
31
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:22,641
Hey.
32
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:23,308
Hey.
Hey. Hey.
33
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,310
What are we going
to name this baby?
34
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:28,245
Well, we have a tradition
in our family.
35
00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:31,449
My grandmother was Ruby,
and my mother was Amber,
36
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:37,588
and I'm Crystal, so I was
thinking that this must stop.
37
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:41,892
Well, don't give it some
dorky name like Becky.
38
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:43,695
What's wrong with
your dorky name?
39
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,329
It's like a chicken noise.
40
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:48,332
It's like Becky,
Beck-Beck-Becky.
41
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,668
You're lucky.
It was the seventies.
42
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:54,606
You could have been named
Frampton or Chablis.
43
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,475
Well, I got to go.
44
00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:00,979
Help me.
45
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,447
Oh.
46
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:04,415
Mom, look.
47
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:07,786
I ate my pop-tart into
the shape of a gun.
48
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:08,486
Boom, boom.
49
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:11,590
I definitely want a girl.
50
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,259
You better tell that
to your butt.
51
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:15,627
Oh, Roseanne.
52
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:18,596
Remember, Lamaze class
tomorrow night.
53
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:19,998
I'll be there.
54
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:20,865
Bye.
55
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,734
Wait. You're her
Lamaze coach?
56
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:23,735
What happened to ed?
57
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,172
I'm just a backup in case
the baby comes early
58
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,239
or Ed's out of town.
59
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:31,642
I'll deliver my baby in
a pool of warm water.
60
00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:35,046
That's the gentlest way
to deliver a baby.
61
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:38,116
And I imagine
it keeps the swimmers
62
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,418
out of the shallow end.
63
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:44,222
I'm telling you. You got hurt.
You should sue.
64
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:45,490
I'm fine, Arnie.
65
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:46,891
You're lucky you're alive.
66
00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:49,126
What happened, Dan?
Are you ok?
67
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:50,261
Nothing. No, it's ok.
68
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:53,064
I had a little accident
at the job site.
69
00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:54,766
You were almost killed.
70
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,434
It was great.
71
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,235
Dad.
72
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,771
I got in the way
of a wrecking ball.
73
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,106
That's so lame.
Tell them the good part.
74
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,241
Ok, I'll tell them.
75
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:05,943
So Dan is sitting
in the Porto-Johnny
76
00:04:05,978 --> 00:04:07,212
minding his own business,
77
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,914
and the wrecking ball
comes in, and bam!
78
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:13,084
Knocked that sucker 17 feet.
79
00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:14,219
I measured it.
80
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,920
Did you see a doctor?
81
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,589
It's just a couple bruises.
82
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:19,690
It could be like a concussion.
83
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:21,659
No. I got a hard head.
84
00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:23,128
Does it hurt, dad?
85
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,229
Get away from there.
86
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,664
I'm more embarrassed
than anything else.
87
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,634
I crawled out with
my pants around my ankles
88
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:32,870
and there's 30 people
standing staring at me.
89
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,872
It was really an awkward moment.
90
00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:38,042
Fortunately I had
the presence of mind
91
00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:40,445
to start the applause.
92
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,847
Don't you owe us money?
93
00:04:43,883 --> 00:04:45,950
I got to go.
94
00:04:55,728 --> 00:04:56,694
Hey.
95
00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:57,428
Hey.
96
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,930
What are you eating?
97
00:04:58,965 --> 00:04:59,965
Salami and peppers.
98
00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:04,368
One brush with death a day
isn't enough for you?
99
00:05:04,403 --> 00:05:06,437
I live on the edge.
100
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,105
You want a bite?
101
00:05:08,140 --> 00:05:09,607
Wuss.
102
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,643
What are you doing up?
103
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:13,478
I couldn't sleep,
104
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:15,312
so I thought I'd go
over some bills.
105
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:18,883
Maybe what happened today's
keeping you awake.
106
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,117
Nah.
107
00:05:20,152 --> 00:05:24,288
You weren't like worried something
more serious could happen?
108
00:05:24,323 --> 00:05:24,989
Nope.
109
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:28,292
So that's our will there, huh?
110
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:31,061
Ok, I was curious about
what might happen
111
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:32,463
to my wife and family
112
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,298
if I hadn't been so lucky.
113
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:36,901
Come on. It's the
middle of the night.
114
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,637
Honey, I think we
should talk about this.
115
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:43,541
What would happen if we
went at the same time,
116
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:44,976
like in a plane crash?
117
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,512
We never go anywhere, Dan.
118
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:52,883
A plane would actually have
to crash into the sofa.
119
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,789
We haven't changed
this will in 16 years.
120
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,025
Darlene and D.J.
Aren't in here.
121
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,494
We left Becky to Ziggy.
122
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:07,431
He was the most responsible
person we knew at the time.
123
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:10,868
He had his own Texaco card.
124
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,704
What were we thinking?
125
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:15,906
We were thinking anybody
but our parents.
126
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:18,476
Come on.
Let's go to bed now.
127
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:20,211
How can you go to sleep
128
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:22,580
knowing the kids
aren't taken care of?
129
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:26,484
Like they're taken care
of when we're awake?
130
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,319
Come on, Dan.
I'm tired.
131
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:32,289
I really think we
should deal with this.
132
00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:33,024
All right.
133
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,860
We'll decide who gets the kids.
134
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:38,095
Now...
135
00:06:38,130 --> 00:06:40,865
Who do we really hate?
136
00:06:49,241 --> 00:06:50,908
Who did we get up to?
137
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,878
Do you still want
to be cremated?
138
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,245
Yeah.
139
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:57,381
Not right now.
140
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,851
You know, 'cause it is
pretty complicated.
141
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:03,353
First I got to find the urn,
142
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:05,756
then I got to find the matches.
143
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:09,093
I was hoping you'd die
on a Thursday
144
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:10,728
when it's trash day.
145
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:14,799
I'll try to expire
near the curb, dear.
146
00:07:15,534 --> 00:07:16,867
You know, when I die,
147
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:20,237
I don't want one of these
funerals where everybody cries.
148
00:07:20,272 --> 00:07:23,608
I want you to throw
a great big party.
149
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,810
Oh, we will, dear.
150
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,279
Morning.
151
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,747
Hey.
152
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:30,548
Hey, girls.
153
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:33,251
So, which of us
inherits this dump?
154
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,585
What, were you eavesdropping?
155
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:38,222
Well, you've been yakking
about it all night.
156
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,123
And face it, Mom,
157
00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:43,227
you've got a voice
that can bend steel.
158
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,729
Yeah, well, we decided
that when we die
159
00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:49,400
we're dividing everything
between the three of you.
160
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:52,236
I just want the cash.
161
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:56,740
It has sentimental value.
162
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:01,679
Don't drink out
of the milk carton.
163
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,016
What are you doing up so early?
164
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:08,218
I started jogging again.
165
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:11,188
I ran all the way over here.
166
00:08:11,223 --> 00:08:12,122
Good for you.
167
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,259
I'm just going to rest
here for a second,
168
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:18,696
and then you can
drive me back home.
169
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,998
I'm going to work.
You want a lift?
170
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:23,301
No. I'm going to get
breakfast first.
171
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:27,271
It is the most important
mooch of the day.
172
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:29,874
You be careful.
173
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:30,875
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
174
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:34,679
You got any oat bran
or shredded wheat or...
175
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,381
Oh, cocoa puffs.
176
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,686
Well, I'm out
of here, too. Bye.
177
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,187
Bye. Don't die.
178
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,456
I'll do my best.
179
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:46,758
What's that?
180
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,292
Your will?
181
00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:49,994
Yeah. We were up
all night
182
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:53,597
figuring out who gets
the kids if we die.
183
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,366
That's got to be fun.
184
00:08:55,401 --> 00:08:57,368
Don't worry.
You're off the hook.
185
00:08:57,403 --> 00:08:58,669
D.J. took my keys
186
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,204
and locked himself in my truck.
187
00:09:00,239 --> 00:09:01,272
Can I use yours?
188
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:02,640
They're in my purse.
189
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:03,708
Why did he do that?
190
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:07,412
He doesn't want me going to work.
"I'll be killed."
191
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:08,379
Oh, man.
192
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:11,582
Don't worry. I'll talk to him.
He'll be fine.
193
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:14,451
What did that mean,
I'm off the hook?
194
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:15,519
Oh, yeah.
195
00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:18,790
We decided we'll leave the
kids with Crystal and Ed.
196
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:21,058
Why don't I get the kids?
197
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,527
You get the washer and dryer.
198
00:09:23,562 --> 00:09:25,729
We didn't want to separate them.
199
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,765
No, I'm serious.
200
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,367
I'm closer to those kids
than anybody.
201
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,636
I know, but you're
a single woman.
202
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:36,107
Well, a lot of single
women raise families.
203
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,142
Yeah, I know,
204
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:40,744
but they do it from the
time that they're babies.
205
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:44,181
Roseanne, I have been
there since day one.
206
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,249
Since they were babies.
207
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:47,718
You're trying to tell
me I couldn't do it.
208
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,654
No, we just didn't
want to burden you.
209
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,456
Which is a really nice way
210
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:55,826
of saying you don't trust me.
211
00:09:55,861 --> 00:10:00,398
Hey, you'll thank me
when I'm dead.
212
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:13,511
Jack.
213
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,478
King.
214
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,313
You win.
215
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,280
Let's play again.
216
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,849
Don't you have homework
to do or something?
217
00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:20,884
I want to stay with you.
218
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,287
Ok. You getting hungry?
219
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:24,121
Yeah.
220
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:27,291
I guess I ought to
get dinner started.
221
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,893
Becky!
222
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:29,928
7.
223
00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:30,761
7.
224
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,596
- War!
- War!
225
00:10:32,631 --> 00:10:34,064
Yeah, dad?
226
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:37,435
You know where mom
put that casserole?
227
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,003
Yeah. It's in
the refrigerator.
228
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:42,740
I looked. I couldn't
find it in there.
229
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,747
Geez, it's right here.
230
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:52,316
I guess I'll put it
in the microwave.
231
00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:53,217
Ok.
232
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:55,152
Hey, um...
233
00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:58,088
Could you hand me
the aluminum foil?
234
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,189
What for?
235
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,969
You're supposed to keep
it covered, aren't you?
236
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:05,163
Dad, you can't put metal
in the microwave.
237
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:08,432
I was just going
to use a little.
238
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,534
Just forget it.
I'll do it.
239
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,203
Thanks, honey.
240
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,842
What are you guys doing?
241
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,177
Getting ready to set the table.
242
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,712
Do you know where mom
keeps the forks?
243
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:25,883
I'm not dumb enough to
fall for that stupid move.
244
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,218
Hey, don't call him stupid.
245
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,153
I didn't.
246
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:30,755
Yes, you did.
247
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:31,522
Shut up.
248
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:32,489
You shut up, Darlene.
249
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,991
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, killer.
250
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:37,862
Deej, why don't you get
washed up for dinner?
251
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:41,298
Ok, dad.
I'll be right back.
252
00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:45,769
What was that?
253
00:11:45,804 --> 00:11:50,107
Since I got home, he won't
let me out of his sight.
254
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,142
Dad, he's crazy.
255
00:11:52,177 --> 00:11:53,077
He's showing concern,
256
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:56,080
which is more than
I can say for others
257
00:11:56,115 --> 00:11:59,449
considering what happened
to me yesterday.
258
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,252
You were sitting
in a Porto-crapper
259
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:03,821
that got nailed
by a wrecking ball.
260
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:05,923
I didn't take one shot.
261
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,559
Now, that is love.
262
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,730
I'm sorry.
Thank you, dear.
263
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:17,835
Oh, right. Suck up
for the inheritance.
264
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,410
Ok, in through the nose,
abdomen, chest, shoulders.
265
00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:27,678
Fill up with air.
266
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:29,446
Exhale.
Think of letting go.
267
00:12:29,481 --> 00:12:30,981
Keep the breathing moving.
268
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:34,484
Coaches, help mom relax.
269
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,587
So anyways, Jackie gets
all bent out of shape,
270
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:40,524
like trying to make
me feel all guilty.
271
00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:44,328
She can't take care of
three kids, you know?
272
00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:45,996
Have you ever seen her fridge?
273
00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:49,533
She's got one egg and a
can of Margarita mix.
274
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:54,071
Coaches, a little word
of encouragement for mom.
275
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,240
Atta girl, Crystal.
276
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:59,143
Ok, let's take
a little time out here.
277
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:02,046
I'm sure you've been
thinking of questions
278
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:03,781
since the last class.
279
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,315
Anybody?
280
00:13:05,350 --> 00:13:06,483
This is my first baby.
281
00:13:06,518 --> 00:13:10,687
I was wondering how long
it takes to push it out?
282
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,589
18 years.
283
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,461
I take it you've got kids?
284
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,730
Yeah.
Two or three.
285
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:22,199
Did you use natural childbirth?
286
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:23,701
Well...
287
00:13:24,169 --> 00:13:27,370
Kind of, but actually
there's a story
288
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:30,040
that goes along with this.
289
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:31,575
Get off me, Crystal.
290
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:32,643
Oh, no, Roseanne.
291
00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:35,512
You're not going
to scare them, are you?
292
00:13:35,547 --> 00:13:37,014
We'll see what I say.
293
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:42,452
Ok, now, my first kid,
they just knocked me out,
294
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:43,921
so I didn't feel anything.
295
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:45,823
Then they hand me the baby.
296
00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:47,958
She's 16 now...
Blonde and thin.
297
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,227
I don't think she's mine.
298
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:51,061
But, uh...
299
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:53,130
Anyway, then when I had
my third kid,
300
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:56,533
I hadn't lost any weight
from my second kid
301
00:13:56,568 --> 00:13:58,102
or from my first kid,
302
00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:00,972
so they were trying to give me
303
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,173
this local deal and everything,
304
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,875
but I kept feeling pain,
305
00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:07,478
so I keep on begging
for more drugs
306
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,746
until finally the doctor
comes over and goes,
307
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:10,981
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Conner,
308
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,350
"but if we give you
any more drugs,
309
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,319
it's going to kill
your baby."
310
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:19,223
So I thought about it
for a while and, uh...
311
00:14:20,692 --> 00:14:22,726
Then I said,
"ok. No drugs,
312
00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:25,495
but just hit me
with a sledgehammer."
313
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,663
Of course he wouldn't,
314
00:14:26,698 --> 00:14:29,133
so I ended up feeling
the whole thing.
315
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:30,434
Was your husband there?
316
00:14:30,469 --> 00:14:32,370
Yeah. He had taken
the classes,
317
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,672
so they had to let him in.
318
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:38,242
But all in all,
I'm glad he was there.
319
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:42,212
This is all your idea.
I hate you!
320
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,581
Let go!
321
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,016
Oh, god. It hurts.
322
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:46,950
Breathe.
323
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:49,787
It helped before,
but it's not helping now.
324
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,522
You're not doing it.
Honey, breathe.
325
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:53,591
How's she doing?
326
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,027
Contractions are a minute apart.
327
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,428
And she's at 8 centimeters.
328
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,028
8 centimeters.
329
00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,864
You hear that, Roseanne?
Way to dilate.
330
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:04,668
Oh, god, you're such an idiot.
331
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,169
Your mouth dry, Rosie?
332
00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:07,437
You want a Tab?
333
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,239
Get her out of here.
334
00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:12,343
Jackie, why don't you go
get some ice?
335
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:13,277
Ok.
336
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:16,080
I'm sorry I'm being
so mean to you, Dan.
337
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:17,347
You're not, honey.
338
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,416
You're being mean to Jackie.
339
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,452
That's why I brought her.
340
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:24,254
I can't stand it.
I got to push.
341
00:15:24,289 --> 00:15:26,523
Not till the doctor gets here.
342
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,259
Now, come on, blow.
343
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,427
Ok, ok, it passed.
344
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,295
You're pushing.
345
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:32,295
No, I'm not.
346
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:33,397
Yes, you are.
347
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,834
If you're not going to do
this right, let's forget it.
348
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,935
All right.
We'll just go home.
349
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:41,905
God, you're such a moron.
350
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:44,375
Oh, god.
This is horrible.
351
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,343
What's happening to me?
352
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,845
Either you're having a baby,
353
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,579
or you ate the hospital food.
354
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:53,551
Oh, god, no.
Not a funny doctor.
355
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,786
Just a little more
now, Roseanne.
356
00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:57,588
Get this thing out of me!
357
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,389
Ok, we got a head.
358
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:00,925
Just one, right?
359
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,760
Keep pushing, Roseanne.
360
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,462
I can't!
361
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,063
I can't!
362
00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:07,197
I can't do anymore.
363
00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:10,634
Yes, you can. Just one
more good hard push.
364
00:16:10,669 --> 00:16:14,471
Oh, Jackie, mom was right.
365
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:18,342
Sex is baaad!
366
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:20,944
Ooh!
367
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:25,015
What is it?
What is it?
368
00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:27,551
Five. Five. Five. Five.
369
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:30,087
One. Yes! It's a boy!
370
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:32,856
You did it!
371
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,759
Let me see him.
Let me see him.
372
00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:38,128
They're cleaning him off
right now.
373
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,897
Oh, Jackie, I'm so
glad you were here.
374
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,999
I apologize for being mean.
375
00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:44,634
No, that's all right.
376
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:45,670
This is so great.
377
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:48,172
I'm here at the beginning
of a new life.
378
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,475
That's why you've got
to be the godmother.
379
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,044
I don't know what to say.
380
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,612
The same thing you said
381
00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:58,882
when I asked you to be
the girls' godmother.
382
00:16:58,917 --> 00:16:59,950
Oh, ok.
383
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:01,551
Ladies and gentlemen, men, men,
384
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:04,554
the starting quarterback
for the Chicago Bears,
385
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,590
Dan Conner's boy-oy-oy.
386
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,859
Just give me the baby.
387
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,928
Ooh...
388
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,597
He's beautiful, Dan.
389
00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:14,932
Just like you, honey.
390
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:18,335
Oh, hello there, little baby.
391
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:22,539
You tried to kill me,
didn't you?
392
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,677
Oh, look at him, Dan.
393
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,512
He's smiling.
394
00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:07,250
I'm up.
395
00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:09,086
It's late.
396
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,520
I can't sleep.
397
00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:11,588
Why not?
398
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:14,058
I'm thinking too much.
399
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,493
Buddy...
400
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:20,063
I've already told you.
401
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:22,499
You don't have to
worry about me dying,
402
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,067
'cause I'm not going to.
403
00:18:24,102 --> 00:18:25,536
You almost did.
404
00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:29,907
I'm not planning on dying
for a long time, ok?
405
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,242
Ok.
406
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,178
Go to sleep.
407
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:36,479
Good night.
408
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:38,081
Good night.
409
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,183
But you could.
410
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:43,921
Deej, if you spend all your
time worrying about dying,
411
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,823
living isn't going
to be much fun, is it?
412
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,860
Well, how do I stop worrying?
413
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:53,697
Well, I try to think
about good stuff,
414
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,032
like watching you grow up,
415
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:58,168
teaching you how to drive a car,
416
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:00,804
meeting the girl
you're going to marry.
417
00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:03,841
I don't like girls.
418
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:04,608
Yeah, you do. See?
419
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:09,346
I still got a lot of
stuff to teach you.
420
00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:10,280
Ok.
421
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:11,348
Ok.
422
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:12,950
Dad?
423
00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:17,521
When's Darlene going to die?
424
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,756
Good night, D.J.
425
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,259
See you in the morning.
426
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:23,360
You got it.
427
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:28,832
Hey.
428
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:29,566
Hey.
429
00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:30,701
How was baby class?
430
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,637
You know.
Same as always.
431
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:42,445
You know, I was thinking
about this guardian stuff,
432
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:43,546
and I was thinking
433
00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:47,151
maybe we should leave the
kids with Jackie after all.
434
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,153
Roseanne, we've been
through this.
435
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,356
Yeah, but she's part
of their lives, Dan.
436
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:54,491
She knows when Becky's lying.
437
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,861
She knows when Darlene's
sucking up to get money,
438
00:19:57,896 --> 00:20:01,831
and she understands all of
D.J.'s weird little chatter.
439
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,634
Are you feeling a little guilty?
440
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,236
Yeah, I guess so.
441
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:07,204
Aren't you?
442
00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:08,805
Yeah, I guess.
443
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,810
Ok. She wants them,
she can have them.
444
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:13,543
Thanks.
445
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,345
Ok. You go wake them up,
446
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:18,849
and I'll drive them over there.
447
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,252
Let's go to bed.
448
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,754
All right.
449
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:27,658
You know, Dan, you need to
get more life insurance.
450
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:28,659
We got enough.
451
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:29,593
No, we don't.
452
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,595
If you ever die, I want
to grieve in Tahiti.
453
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,106
Me and Dan are dead.
454
00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:44,508
You've moved into the house.
455
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:46,510
You're in charge of the kids.
456
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:47,444
Now, question number one.
457
00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:49,279
It's Saturday night,
2 A.M.,
458
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:52,215
and Becky's not home
from her date yet.
459
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,184
What do you do?
460
00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:56,353
Ok.
461
00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:57,454
Um...
462
00:20:57,489 --> 00:21:00,290
Am I home from my date yet?
463
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:01,591
Where am I?
464
00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:03,660
You don't have a date, Jackie.
465
00:21:03,695 --> 00:21:04,828
You have three kids.
466
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:07,497
You will never have
a date or life.
467
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:10,567
Right. No date,
no life. I forgot.
468
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:15,338
Ok, I would call up
all of Becky's friends.
469
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:16,573
Wrong.
470
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:20,143
This is that 911 question,
isn't it?
471
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:20,778
Wrong.
472
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,412
Ok, what?
I don't know.
473
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,247
You go to Darlene's room
474
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,749
and threaten Darlene's life...
475
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:29,018
Threaten Darlene's life.
I should have known that.
476
00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:31,989
I should have had that one.
477
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:33,089
Ok, question number two.
478
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,891
D.J.'s found
a dead cat
479
00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:37,761
and insists on
keeping it as a pet.
480
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:38,662
What do you do?
481
00:21:38,697 --> 00:21:42,199
I would very gently
explain to him
482
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:45,802
that the cat had gone
through his nine lives
483
00:21:45,837 --> 00:21:48,571
and we would have
a simple funeral.
484
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:53,376
God, Jackie. Are you even
going to try or what?
485
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:56,546
All right. Ok.
Dead cat. Dead cat.
486
00:21:56,582 --> 00:21:59,883
Um, I truly don't know
what I'd do.
487
00:21:59,918 --> 00:22:01,785
Neither did I.
488
00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:04,588
All right.
Next question.
489
00:22:04,623 --> 00:22:09,826
Becky and Darlene have been
fighting for two weeks.
490
00:22:10,629 --> 00:22:11,795
So?
491
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:12,696
Right.
492
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:14,498
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
493
00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:15,966
Ok, next question.
494
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:16,900
You're so exhausted
495
00:22:16,935 --> 00:22:19,837
from taking care of
three kids and a house
496
00:22:19,872 --> 00:22:21,772
that you're not
in the mood for sex
497
00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:24,375
for three whole months.
What do you do?
498
00:22:24,410 --> 00:22:29,046
Maybe you ought to give the
kids to Crystal and Ed.
499
00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:30,914
No, it's too late now.
500
00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:31,748
No, no.
501
00:22:31,817 --> 00:22:33,217
You wanted it.
502
00:22:33,252 --> 00:22:34,818
You begged me.
503
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:35,652
No, no.
504
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:41,892
You made your bed.
33552
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.