Original subtitles

Look... science.

God, what a slow day.

Yeah, but maybe if that guy with the Danish

leaves us a $400 tip, we can close up early.

Oh, here comes the boss. Look busy.

Hey, Leon.

Oh, listen, I know it's slow,

but isn't there something menial you could be doing?

Well, we're talking to you.

Hey.

Hey, look who's here.

Knocked off early.

Thought I'd do something special for myself.

New thermos.

Ooh, plaid.

Snazzy.

I want to knock off early, too.

Can you cover for me?

No problem.

Hey, I got the afternoon off.

We'll do something together.

I know. We'll go grocery shopping.

I'll go in and buy the groceries,

and you sit outside and play the radio.

Quality time.

See you later, Bonnie.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Leon, Dan. Dan, Leon.

Bye.

Roseanne, don't you think it might be appropriate

to, say, uh, check with the boss

before simply taking off?

Well, it's dead in here and everything.

Bonnie said she'd cover for me.

What's the problem?

The problem is that you keep doing this.

You took yesterday morning off, you didn't tell me.

Last Saturday, Estelle covered for you,

Estelle tells me that.

I set the schedule around here, Roseanne,

and you're ignoring it,

which makes me wonder if you really want this job.

Of course I do. The hours are great.

It's freezing out there.

But it'll be 80 degrees when we get to Vegas.

Oh, I can't wait.

Hey, check this out,

these really cool sunglasses I bought.

Why do you need those?

You're never leaving the casino.

They're to cover my eyes when I'm bluffing.

You can't bluff a slot machine.

I don't see why not.

You talk to the dice.

Slots don't pay. Let me teach you to shoot craps.

I don't like that.

You got to stand up the whole time.

Best odds in the house.

Dan, the best odds in Las Vegas in our favor

are at the buffet table.

That reminds me, bring your big purse.

Anyways, I don't care nothing about gambling.

Alls I want to do is see Wayne Newton.

Ooh, yeah, the main Wayne. The big fig.

Sir Isaac Wayne.

Remember we saw him in Chicago,

and he was singing Apple Blossom Time just to me?

Thought he was singing to me.

Dream on.

Hey.

Hey. I don't want you guys living on pizza the whole weekend,

so I bought you this nice ravioli.

Thanks.

So, what time you guys leaving tomorrow?

Soon as I get off work.

So that would be, what, 5:00?

Yeah, I guess.

5:30?

Becky, you trying to get rid of us?

No. I want to make sure I'm here to say goodbye

at, what, quarter to 6:00?

I think that's about right.

You got to allow yourself time to get to the airport.

Well, that's a great idea, honey.

Ok.

So, Dan, I guess this party we don't know about

starts, what, 7:00, 7:30?

Party? Why would they have a party

the one weekend we're going to be out of town?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ohh, Roseanne.

Thanks for bringing me that suitcase, Crystal.

You shouldn't be hauling that in your condition.

There's nothing in it, Dan.

Roseanne asked to borrow it for your trip.

Here, sit down.

Goodness, Dan. I'm pregnant, I'm not dying.

He's just wonderful like that, Crystal.

When I was pregnant with Darlene,

he was so nice, I held her in for 16 months.

Hi.

Hi. We're going to miss you when we're gone.

I'll take good care of him, Roseanne.

Why can't I stay with Becky and Darlene?

I don't want you to spend the weekend

locked up in a closet.

Roseanne, here's $5.00.

Put it in one of those machines

that has the million dollar jackpot,

and if it wins a million dollars, stop.

I'm up 5 bucks,

and you said the slots don't pay.

You know, I envy you two.

A weekend of luxury in Las Vegas.

Well, we try to get away,

what, every 15, 16 years?

You know, so we can relate to each other

as a man and a woman.

Yeah, then after that, I'm going to go shoot craps.

That'll kill another five minutes.

The fire extinguisher's in the closet,

emergency numbers are by the phone...

Dad...

That reminds me, I'll write down the hotel number

just in case there's a problem.

Dad, we're not babies.

You don't have to worry about us.

I'm not worried about you.

I'm worried about the house.

So, what time's the party start?

What are you talking about?

Girls, listen.

When I was your age, and my parents went out of town,

I had a party.

I had a great party.

Legendary.

People wrote songs about it.

Did your parents know you had it?

Course not.

Then we're not having a party.

I know.

Hey! Hi! Hi. Is D.J. Ready?

D.J., aunt Jackie's here.

What time do you want me here tonight?

Jackie's coming over? Why?

It's still a big secret.

Ohh, that's cute.

We're not having a party.

Why won't you believe us?

Dan, I got a great idea.

Since I'm coming over to hang with the girls,

how about I wear my old cop uniform?

Sure.

It's not like they're having a party or anything.

Ok, ok, we're having a party. God!

Ok, right to the rules.

No booze, no pot, no sex below the neck,

everybody out by midnight.

1:00.

12:30, and no rap music.

Why not?

I don't like it.

God, why don't we just bob for apples?

Yeah, then we can take turns

reading from the Bible.

D.J., let's go!

Thanks for taking him over to Crystal's.

You'd better get going.

You got a 1 1/2 hour drive to Chicago.

Roseanne's still at the mall.

Bye, Dad.

Ok, buddy. Have a good time,

and remember what we talked about.

Yeah, yeah. Don't make Crystal cry.

Attaboy.

I got to get out of here.

Wait, Roseanne, here's $2.00.

Take it to the roulette table

and put it on number 17.

Just let it ride until I lose.

What's the point?

I love the action.

Ok, see you later.

Bye.

See you tomorrow, Roseanne.

Tuesday.

Tuesday? No, we're in the middle of a weekend sale,

and I have you on the schedule.

I told you about this weeks ago.

No, ma'am. I wasn't here weeks ago.

Well... I told some guy in a suit.

That suit doesn't work here anymore,

and he didn't take care of it.

No, you're working tomorrow.

I'm going to Vegas.

How am I going to replace you on no notice?

I have had this trip planned for months.

I got non-refundable plane tickets.

Ohh! Oh, well that falls into the category of

♪ not my problem ♪

Give me a break.

You give me a break!

You just come and go here as you please.

You totally ignore me.

That's what this is about, I'm not nice enough?

I'm running a business,

and I need a waitress tomorrow,

so let's just say either you're here to work your shift,

or don't come back at all.

If we don't go, we're out $500.

So you think I should go.

We've been saving for this trip forever.

I know that.

If we drive the speed limit,

we'll just miss the plane.

I've got to talk about this some more.

Ok, talk.

I know you think it's just some waitress job,

but I really like it,

and I like Bonnie,

and I like being at the mall, too.

Leon's a piece of garbage,

but I quit that job, I got to find another,

and what if that boss turns out to be even worse?

Crazy world, isn't it? Ok, let's go.

Boy, you really care about this.

I don't want to miss this trip.

You going to bellyache, or are we going to have a wonderful time?

Oh, well, ok, we'll go and have a wonderful time,

but you're going to regret it!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Party's down here.

I just wanted to use the bathroom.

Well... Tough.

Uh...

Let me see that.

Carry on.

Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

Nice party.

Yeah, I'm enjoying myself.

You know, you have got a beautiful smile.

I'm not smiling.

Well, why don't we work on that?

Ohh, god.

Hey, there we go.

Ohh.

I'm Eric. I'm a senior.

Oh.

And you are?

I'm Jackie. I'm a former senior.

Jackie. Jackie.

You know, that is a beautiful name.

These parties make it real hard

for two people to get to know each other well.

I got a car.

Why don't we go somewhere...

Listen, Eric, you're very cute,

but you and I together would be... illegal,

so... I don't think so.

Hey, ok. It's cool.

Yep. Oh, yeah. Still got it.

I tried to get her out.

The old broad said no.

Yeah, thanks, anyway.

Hey, Becky.

Oh, hey, Brian.

Um... If I asked you a question,

would you not tell Darlene that I asked you?

Yeah.

Well... you know how... what happened with us, right?

You made out on the couch

and then you groped her.

Yeah, she made me.

Yeah, so?

Well, I asked her out, you know, exclusively,

and... She said no.

I don't get it.

Well, Darlene's just sort of discovering boys, Brian.

In fact, till she met you,

she thought she was one.

So I should be her boyfriend, right?

Becky, there you are.

I was looking for you.

Brian, can you excuse us?

Where you been, Beck?

Around.

Around where?

Outside.

With Mark?

I was going to tell you, but I couldn't find you.

Ohh, ok.

You won't tell Mom and Dad, will you?

No.

Oh, you're so cool.

Not really. Your folks figured he'd show up.

They said it was ok as long as I was here.

You're kidding. He just drove away.

Oh! I was going to tell you, but I couldn't find you.

Becky.

Hey, Darlene.

Barry's here.

No way.

He's such a scuzz.

If he came to drool over you,

I swear I'll kill him.

Hi, Darlene.

Hi, Barry.

Could I talk to you?

I don't think this is a good idea.

Darlene liked you, and you asked me out.

She's real vulnerable,

and she shouldn't have to go through this again.

Shut up, Becky.

What did you want to talk about, Barry?

Look, I never really did apologize for...

What for?

You liked Becky more than you liked me,

so you asked her out... right?

Well, it wasn't that I liked Becky exactly.

It's just that she's popular,

and I figured I had a chance with her,

so it's kind of like, you know, go for the gold.

Becky's gold?

So what am I?

Darlene...

Well, come on, Barry, pick a mineral.

You're funny, Darlene.

Yeah, I'm a regular riot.

No, that's what's great about you.

I mean... That's why I like you.

You like me?

Hey, you leave her alone!

Who are you?

Her boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Oh, we had a thing. It's over.

It was fine until you came along.

Hey, don't push me.

You mean like this?

No, like this!

Jeez, Darlene, who is this guy?

Hey, there's a fight!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let me through! Let me through!

Hey! Come on, you guys!

You guys! Come on!

What's going on here?

I was talking to Darlene and he...

I am her boyfriend.

That's not what she says.

Any more trouble out of you, you're out of here.

They were fighting over you?

Yeah.

That's it, show's over.

Nothing more to see. Come on.

And as for you, Darlene...

Excellent.

This is your captain speaking.

I'd like to apologize for the delay,

but the snow's coming down pretty hard

and we're awaiting tower clearance,

which, hopefully, we'll be getting any minute now.

So, in the meantime,

why don't you sit back, relax, and wait.

7.

7.

8. 8's the point,

and... Eighter from Decatur.

Get this plane to Vegas.

These peanuts are no good.

I didn't grow them, dear.

And the seats are too small, too.

I didn't build the plane, dear.

It's never going to stop snowing, is it?

My fault.

Stop acting like everything I'm saying

is your fault.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I've been blaming you the whole time,

and it stopped being fun an hour ago.

Well, if it will make you feel any better,

I'm up $56,000.

If we were in Vegas, I could quit my job, too.

I really liked that job, Dan.

I know it wasn't a career or nothing,

but I was happy, and I hate losing it.

I know. I'm sorry I pushed you.

I just thought you'd feel better

once you found yourself

on an overcrowded, uncomfortable little plane

that won't go anywhere.

Maybe you won't have to lose that job.

Once we get back, you can talk to the guy.

Take a shot.

That would be like groveling.

You want me to talk to him?

No, I think I'd better fight my own battles.

We're going to go see Wayne Newton.

I bet we get some lousy seats, too.

I'll make sure we get seats right down in front.

Yeah? Close enough for me to hit him with my underpants?

You will take them off first, won't you, dear?

I ain't making no promises.

Ladies and gentlemen...

All right. All right.

We just heard from the tower.

The snow's getting real bad out there,

so they're trying to determine

whether we can take off at all.

We'll know in a moment. Hang in there.

We're going to make it.

No way. Look at it out there.

This plane ain't going nowhere.

Yeah? I got 50 bucks says it is.

I'll take 5 of that.

Dan!

I'm on a roll. You're on.

Hey, I'll take 10.

I'll take 15.

I'm going double, pal.

Outstanding.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Johnson.

I'd like to bet $100 we're not going.

He's bluffing.

Iced tea, coffee.

I had the coffee.

I don't care.

All right, you know what you want?

Are there any specials today?

No.

Well, is there anything you could recommend?

Yeah, hurry.

I guess I'll have the tuna melt.

Good choice.

Oh, excuse me.

I forgot to order a beverage.

Then you must be really kicking yourself right about now, huh?

Hi, Bonnie.

Hey, Roseanne. I thought you were in Las Vegas.

No, the flight got canceled,

so we spent the night in Chicago.

Then it took us half a day to drive back.

I'm sorry.

Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back.

Leon.

Work, Bonnie.

So, Roseanne, how the hell are you?

Ok, this is not easy...

But, uh, if you don't give me my job back,

my husband's going to beat the crap out of you.

Roseanne, we both know why you're here.

Now, all you have to do is say,

"I want my job back," and I'll give it to you.

Didn't you hire somebody else?

I was going to,

but you're here begging for your job, so...

I'm not begging.

No, of course not. You have your, uh, dignity.

To recap...

"I... Want... My... Job... Back."

Leon.

Come on. "I... Want..."

you're such a little, creepy, little, icky guy.

And?

And I want my job back.

Fine. Take this iced tea to table four.

Hell, no. I'm on a break.

[Music plays]

So I says, "Leon, you want me to come back,

alls you got to do is ask."

You really said it?

Yep.

Did he give you a raise?

100 bucks an hour.

All right!

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

when I called the hotel to cancel the reservations,

they said there was a huge earthquake

and Las Vegas got sucked under the ground.

Wow, it's a good thing we didn't go.

You bet!

I forgot to tell you something, though.

You know, while we were gone,

the kids all met really rich guys

and they all got married.

D.J., too?

Uh-huh.

Far out!

Aah!