Original subtitles

Junk. Junk. Something from a charity.

Oh, cool. How much did they send us?

I'll put that in the "later" pile.

Gas bill.

Later.

Electric bill.

Later.

Oh! Ed McMahon!

Ooohh, hoo hoo hoo!

Open that sucker up.

You do it. I can't.

My hands are trembling from the excitement.

What's this? Something from Darlene's school.

Well, there's one way to spice up the afternoon.

Darlene, we got you nailed.

What?

Letter from your school.

♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪

♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪

♪ ah-Dee ah-Dee ah-Dee ♪

Want to tell us right away

before we find out anyhow?

I cut Spanish class

because Meryl forgot to wake me up after biology.

You got dishes for an extra week then, young lady.

"Dear Mr. Conner, the Lanford Board of Education

"invites you to share your career skills with our students.

If you are interested," la Dee da Dee da.

Doesn't say anything about skipping Spanish class.

Well, I guess that makes me a moron.

Guess so.

Hi.

Darlene, you're wearing my shirt!

Get off my back. I got bigger problems.

What's happening?

Career day at school.

They want Dad to speak.

Oh, bummer, Darlene.

He's too cool to do it.

That's me, Ice-D. Too cool for school.

You know what makes me mad about this?

How come it's automatically made out to you

and not me?

Honey, I am the professional in the family.

Oh, right. I forgot about your master's in drywalling.

You know, the real reason

is just 'cause you're a man.

Oh, god, she's going feminist on me.

Like I'm not good enough

for their little junior high school career day?

Like some housewife doesn't have anything important to say?

It's an outrage, mom.

I say go show them

how tough your job really is.

Well, maybe I will.

Thank you, Becky.

Well, maybe next time,

you'll keep your grubby little paws off my stuff.

Mom, you're not going to let

some blond bimbette tell you what to do.

What's your problem? Are you embarrassed of your mother?

Don't get offended, mom.

I'm just as embarrassed of Dad.

Aw, you're just saying that.

Hello.

Hi. D.J.

What's, uh, in the bag?

Nothing.

Thanks for bringing him home.

I suppose you want a free dinner now.

You're welcome.

Uh, Roseanne, can I alk-tay with ou-YAY

in ivate-pray?

O-Kay-do-Kay.

Duh. I don't understand what they're talking about, do you?

So what's up?

This is in the strictest of confidence.

D.J. Has a little problem.

Huh. Yeah. Where you been, Jackie?

No. I mean there's some bully at school

threatening to beat him up

unless he brings him a Twinkie every day.

Are you sure?

Yes. He made me buy a whole box.

That's what's in that bag.

Remember, this is just between you and me.

Right.

D.J.!

Don't, Roseanne. I promised him

I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Well, you lied.

Yeah?

What's this about your having some problem at school

with some bully?

Deej, I'm sorry. She forced it out of me.

Wuss.

Deej, what's going on?

It's ok. If I give Kevin Morgan

two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.

No. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.

But I want to live!

I'm going to call the school.

You can't do that.

Everyone will think he's a squealer.

Yeah. Then he'll really get the cream cheese

kicked out of him.

Then I'll call this kid's parents.

Don't do that! He's going to beat me up!

What am I supposed to do?

I'll have to teach him to fight.

Come on, Dan. D.J.'s just a little, tiny boy.

You know,

size isn't really the issue here, Roseanne.

Uh, back when I was on the force...

Here we go.

No. I'm just saying,

if you know what you're doing,

anybody can take out anybody.

I could put Dan on the floor if I wanted to.

Yeah, yeah.

Then you could sprout little pink wings and fly away.

What, you don't think I can?

Dan, I was a cop.

Take your best shot, officer.

Yaah!

Aah!

Ow, ow! She pulled a hair out.

See?

I'll go teach the kid how to take care of himself.

You know if D.J. Tries to fight, he'll just get hurt.

Don't worry. I'll make it clear

that fighting isn't the answer...

Unless you're sure you can win.

Meantime, I'll just keep him stocked up in Twinkies.

I guess I'll get this place cleaned up for you.

I'll start by tossing this letter from the school.

Might as well, I guess.

Well, all right, mom.

What's the matter? Darlene having problems at school?

Not yet.

All right, everybody, listen up!

Today we are very lucky

to have as our guest speaker

a woman who chose to make home economics her life.

I want you all to welcome

Mrs. Roseanne Conner.

Here. Kill me.

Mrs. Conner has been a wife and a mother

for 17 years,

and she's come to us today

to present a sort of common-sense approach to home economics.

Mrs. Conner.

Ok. Well...

Um, ok. Well, ok.

You know how a lot of people

don't think that being a housewife is important, but, ok,

a lot of people depend on you,

and you got to be really smart and dedicated.

Well, it's kind of like being a doctor,

only, you know, um, the hours are longer

and you don't get any pay

and, um...

It's way bloodier, so...

It's probably not like being a doctor at all.

Well, anyway, any questions or...

Yes, Darlene.

May I be expelled?

No, Darlene.

You got a question?

What did you really want to do with your life?

Well, I tried, you know,

lounging on the beaches of Europe,

but somehow that just left me empty.

Believe this or not,

I really wanted to have a family.

Maybe not the one I got, but...

You know.

What's your favorite soap opera?

Well... I don't do that.

Is that what you think,

that you just watch soap operas and all that?

You know, raising a family, well, it's a career.

Ok?

It's kind of like managing a factory.

Now she manages a factory.

This will be way better than the doctor thing,

trust me. Way better.

Ok. Like, I think of my kids

like they're the product, right?

And if I can get them out there on the market

without them getting returned defective...

Then I done my job.

But what could you teach us

that we couldn't learn here?

Well... What are you learning here?

Oh, well, yesterday we baked a quiche Lorraine.

No, really?

Yes.

We think it's very important

to learn how to follow a recipe.

And we've learned how to make our own clothes.

Oh. Well, how very Little House on the Prairie.

I don't know anything

about that kind of home economics.

What I know about is, like, cleaning and shopping

and cooking for a family of five

on a really tight budget

and still having money left over

to buy that all-important aspirin.

Well, I don't even know

if I could teach it in class here.

I think we ought to go on a field trip.

I think that's a great idea,

so why don't you get permission from your parents

to spend an afternoon with Mrs. Conner?

Oh, mom!

Oh, no, that's ok, Darlene. You can go.

Didn't this class have some boys?

They think shopping's a girl thing.

Get used to that.

Can we get this over with?

Come on now, Darlene, this can be fun.

Here, honey. You can ride in the seat.

Aw. Aw. Aw.

It's just the buy-n-bag.

We've been here a million times.

It's not just the Buy-n-Bag, Darlene.

A supermarket is the very blood and guts

of home economics, and besides,

it's what makes our country great.

Where else in the world

are you going to find frozen pizzas, microwave pizzas,

French bread pizzas, thick crust pizzas,

pizza puffs, pizza rolls,

pizza squares, pizza tarts?

Did I tell you

you should never shop when you're really hungry?

All right, girls. The mission is meat.

You're making dinner for five people,

and you're on a really tight budget.

Uh, what's your name?

Meryl.

Step up to the meat counter

and pick a meat. Any meat.

All right, let's see.

There's a lot of meat in here.

Some veal, some chicken.

Yeah, but you got four loads in the laundry

and a sink full of dishes,

and your husband gets cranky

if he has to wait for his dinner. Move! Move! Move!

All right, here!

God!

So, girls, let's see what Meryl picked.

New York steak, hmm?

What does your dad do for a living?

He's a dermatologist.

Oh, then that would be a good choice.

Anybody here who doesn't have a trust fund?

Darlene, what are we going to have for dinner?

Well, I'm eating at Meryl's house.

Who wants to see a picture of Darlene

dressed up like a tulip for her third-grade play?

Aw. Yeah. Aw.

Oh, not me.

Where's that ground garbage?

Here you go.

Yes, girls, ground beef...

The stuff that gives meat loaf its bulk.

But meat's supposed to be bad for you.

So are Kool-pops, but you got to draw the line somewhere.

Let's roll.

Darlene, you stay here with Mommy.

Why?

Because I've decided you're going to be teacher's pet.

So all right, there we go.

Corn flakes, girls...

The most important ingredient

in tonight's entree.

Why do we need that?

How else you think

we're going to turn 2 pounds of ground beef

into 11 pounds of mouth-watering meat loaf?

And the leftovers stay crunchy in milk.

All right, suck-up, hand me a box there.

Oh, nay. That's the name brand.

Here, Meryl.

Bon appetit.

We have to go for the generic.

Why, it's nothing but second best for our family.

Wait. My cereal at home is the name brand.

No. See, it's just the name brand box.

I've been refilling it with the cheap stuff...

Since 1985.

You mean I've been eating generic Frankenberries?

I'm sorry you had to find out this way, sugar.

So anyways, all right,

we got our hamburger, our corn flakes,

our potatoes.

I say we roll, huh?

What about a vegetable?

Ketchup.

Darlene, go pick up

a couple of boxes of Twinkies over there.

How do they save you money?

They're for my brother. Cheaper than karate lessons.

Excuse me.

We're going to go check out.

Do you all have your coupons?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Did you rub off the expiration date like I said?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Ok, we're on a tight schedule. Let's roll.

Yes, girls, this here is the check-out line.

This is where you'll spend

the majority of your adult life.

And this is where they really try to get you.

It's all about impulse buying,

but you got to try to resist the impulse.

You got to say, "I do not need anything here."

I do not need anything here.

Except for these here tootsie rolls.

Do you believe this?

That woman's on every cover

of every one of these papers.

Look. She put a voodoo curse

on her ex-husband.

She's a damn good singer, though.

Look what this here guy's buying...

Vodka, Mallomars, and a TV Guide.

I'm thinking, "single and staying that way."

Ma'am, you have more than 10 items here.

I got, like, 12. Give me a break.

Move to another line.

Come on!

Those are the rules.

All right. I got 12 girls, 12 items.

I'll give each one an item,

we'll be here for 12 years.

Anybody in a hurry?

Ok, ok. I count 10 items.

That's why it's called the express line, girls.

You get to express yourself.

Price check on aisle three.

That's $1.29.

Thank you.

I don't think it's worth more than that, do you?

[Snoring]

Aah!

Well, girls, this is some

of what you're going to be feeding.

Are you sure we bought enough?

In the kitchen.

Roseanne.

What's going on?

Who are all those girls?

They're ours, dearest. Don't you remember?

My god. How long have I been asleep?

All right, all right, you girls.

This is where we're going to turn

all these fine and dandy ingredients

into a lovely meal

that'll make your family look you in the eye

and say, "Let's eat out."

You, write this down.

Ok, take that meat and the corn flakes

and the tomato sauce, garlic salt, salt,

and a couple eggs.

Mush them all up and everything.

And then put it right here in this cake pan

with the brown and black stains on the bottom

and cook it at 375.

All right, girls, there you have it...

A nutritious meal for five

plus two lunches for only 12.73.

Cheaper than fast food, faster than cheap food,

and that is what I call home economics.

How long do we cook it?

Till the oldest kid comes down and whines,

"oh, god, not meat loaf again!"

Call me when you're ready.

Wait. I don't see

why I have to be stuck in this kitchen

cooking dinner for this family.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, why?

This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls.

Now you're sounding like real housewives.

I can't believe they're in there cooking us dinner.

Could they tune up the truck for extra credit?

I suppose that depends

on how nice you're going to be to the teacher.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Excuse me.

What kind of salad dressing

would you like, Mr. Conner?

I don't know.

Nobody's ever asked me that before.

Oh, you're just confusing him now, Susie.

Orange or red, Dan?

Oh, orange.

It's the Thousand Island

in the door of the fridge.

Now, where were we, my pet?

Appetizers.

Oh, nobody needs to see that!

Someone just pulled in our driveway.

Who?

I don't know. He looked angry.

[Doorbell chimes]

You want to get that?

Ok.

Jeez.

Conner?

Possibly.

I'm Jim Morgan, Kevin Morgan's father.

That's the kid that's beating up on D.J.

That's not what I heard.

Kevin came home with a fat lip today.

Said if he doesn't bring D.J. Two Twinkies tomorrow,

he'll get it again.

You're saying D.J. Was beating up your kid?

That's terrible!

D.J., come on down here now!

Yeah, step on it, killer!

No sudden moves. We don't want to rile him.

Yeah?

Come over here.

This is the kid?

D.J., uh, this is Kevin Morgan's dad.

Uh-oh.

He says you've been beating on his kid.

Is it true?

Wait. Something's wrong. Kevin could take this kid apart.

D.J., what's going on?

Kevin was picking on me,

so I got somebody else to pick on him.

I hired a bodyguard.

It cost me one Twinkie every day.

My god, Dan. It's the famous Twinkie defense.

I don't buy it.

Why wouldn't he just tell me about this bodyguard?

Who's the bodyguard, Deej?

Maxine Spencer.

Ah.

Well, enough said, huh, Morgan?

That is one twisted little kid you got there.

That twisted little kid was just defending himself.

Your kid started the whole thing.

I want you to call this off.

Not until you call your kid off.

You don't tell me what to do.

Settle down, or I'll give my wife a doughnut

to kick your butt.

I'm out of here.

All right, Einstein!

Dan.

What?

Don't encourage him.

Kid's a genius!

He's an extortionist.

So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies

for Maxine instead of Kevin?

No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off

if he gives me two Twinkies every day.

Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one.

Doesn't cost you anything.

He is a genius.

What are you doing out here?

I just wanted to tell you

I learned something important today.

Your job is important, and it's tough.

I'll marry a rich guy

so I don't have to do any of it.

Aw.

The student surpasses the teacher, grasshopper.

Oh, god, not meat loaf again!

It's ready!

After you, godfather.

Rose?

Rosie?

Honey!

Rose?

Arrggghh!

I told you, Dan. Size means nothing!

Rosie?

Aah!

Grrrr.

Urghhh.

If you start to black out,

tap me twice.

Want a beer, Jack?

Not right now.

You give up? You give up?

Ahh.

Ohh!

No! Aah!