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1
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:21,379
Junk. Junk. Something
from a charity.
2
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:24,415
Oh, cool. How much
did they send us?
3
00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:27,785
I'll put that
in the "later" pile.
4
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:28,853
Gas bill.
5
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:29,721
Later.
6
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:30,855
Electric bill.
7
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:31,689
Later.
8
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,124
Oh! Ed McMahon!
9
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:34,626
Ooohh, hoo hoo hoo!
10
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,127
Open that sucker up.
11
00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:37,128
You do it. I can't.
12
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:40,097
My hands are trembling
from the excitement.
13
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,534
What's this? Something
from Darlene's school.
14
00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:46,804
Well, there's one way to
spice up the afternoon.
15
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,374
Darlene, we got you nailed.
16
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:51,843
What?
17
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:53,310
Letter from your school.
18
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:55,146
♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪
19
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,848
♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪
20
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:59,818
♪ ah-Dee ah-Dee
ah-Dee ♪
21
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,586
Want to tell us right away
22
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,588
before we find out anyhow?
23
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:04,456
I cut Spanish class
24
00:02:04,491 --> 00:02:07,058
because Meryl forgot
to wake me up after biology.
25
00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:10,495
You got dishes for an extra
week then, young lady.
26
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:12,830
"Dear Mr. Conner, the
Lanford Board of Education
27
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:17,168
"invites you to share your
career skills with our students.
28
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:20,505
If you are interested,"
la Dee da Dee da.
29
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:24,775
Doesn't say anything about
skipping Spanish class.
30
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:28,279
Well, I guess that
makes me a moron.
31
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,081
Guess so.
32
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,582
Hi.
33
00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:33,951
Darlene, you're
wearing my shirt!
34
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,854
Get off my back.
I got bigger problems.
35
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,721
What's happening?
36
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,224
Career day at school.
37
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,292
They want Dad to speak.
38
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,794
Oh, bummer, Darlene.
39
00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:46,897
He's too cool to do it.
40
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:51,602
That's me, Ice-D.
Too cool for school.
41
00:02:51,637 --> 00:02:54,138
You know what makes
me mad about this?
42
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:57,275
How come it's automatically
made out to you
43
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,209
and not me?
44
00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:00,511
Honey, I am the
professional in the family.
45
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:05,750
Oh, right. I forgot about
your master's in drywalling.
46
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,384
You know, the real reason
47
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:09,453
is just 'cause you're a man.
48
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:13,091
Oh, god, she's going
feminist on me.
49
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,459
Like I'm not good enough
50
00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,794
for their little junior
high school career day?
51
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:20,798
Like some housewife doesn't
have anything important to say?
52
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,199
It's an outrage, mom.
53
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:23,901
I say go show them
54
00:03:23,936 --> 00:03:26,604
how tough your job really is.
55
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:29,073
Well, maybe I will.
56
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,176
Thank you, Becky.
57
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:33,613
Well, maybe next time,
58
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:37,616
you'll keep your grubby
little paws off my stuff.
59
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,216
Mom, you're not going to let
60
00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,486
some blond bimbette
tell you what to do.
61
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:45,223
What's your problem? Are you
embarrassed of your mother?
62
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,624
Don't get offended, mom.
63
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:49,928
I'm just as embarrassed of Dad.
64
00:03:50,229 --> 00:03:52,863
Aw, you're just saying that.
65
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,332
Hello.
66
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:55,566
Hi. D.J.
67
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:58,069
What's, uh, in the bag?
68
00:03:58,104 --> 00:03:59,904
Nothing.
69
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,774
Thanks for bringing him home.
70
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:05,843
I suppose you want
a free dinner now.
71
00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:06,878
You're welcome.
72
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:10,515
Uh, Roseanne, can I
alk-tay with ou-YAY
73
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:13,785
in ivate-pray?
74
00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:16,688
O-Kay-do-Kay.
75
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:22,494
Duh. I don't understand what
they're talking about, do you?
76
00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:27,232
So what's up?
77
00:04:27,266 --> 00:04:29,934
This is in the
strictest of confidence.
78
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,804
D.J. Has
a little problem.
79
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,740
Huh. Yeah. Where
you been, Jackie?
80
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,010
No. I mean there's
some bully at school
81
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,211
threatening to beat him up
82
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:43,048
unless he brings him
a Twinkie every day.
83
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,083
Are you sure?
84
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,617
Yes. He made me
buy a whole box.
85
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:48,119
That's what's in that bag.
86
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:51,289
Remember, this is just
between you and me.
87
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:52,457
Right.
88
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:52,924
D.J.!
89
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,825
Don't, Roseanne.
I promised him
90
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,194
I wasn't going to tell anybody.
91
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,564
Well, you lied.
92
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:00,398
Yeah?
93
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:03,268
What's this about your having
some problem at school
94
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,202
with some bully?
95
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:08,706
Deej, I'm sorry. She
forced it out of me.
96
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,307
Wuss.
97
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:12,844
Deej, what's going on?
98
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,113
It's ok.
If I give Kevin Morgan
99
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,882
two Twinkies every day,
he won't beat me up.
100
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:21,385
No. You can't go through
life giving in to bullies.
101
00:05:21,420 --> 00:05:23,554
But I want to live!
102
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,790
I'm going to call the school.
103
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:26,825
You can't do that.
104
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,692
Everyone will think
he's a squealer.
105
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:31,462
Yeah. Then he'll really
get the cream cheese
106
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,498
kicked out of him.
107
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:34,431
Then I'll call
this kid's parents.
108
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:37,668
Don't do that!
He's going to beat me up!
109
00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,670
What am I supposed to do?
110
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,439
I'll have to teach him to fight.
111
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:45,677
Come on, Dan. D.J.'s
just a little, tiny boy.
112
00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:46,544
You know,
113
00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:49,046
size isn't really the
issue here, Roseanne.
114
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:52,149
Uh, back when
I was on the force...
115
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,685
Here we go.
116
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:54,885
No. I'm just saying,
117
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,887
if you know what you're doing,
118
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,423
anybody can take out anybody.
119
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:02,994
I could put Dan on the
floor if I wanted to.
120
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:05,330
Yeah, yeah.
121
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:10,134
Then you could sprout little
pink wings and fly away.
122
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,170
What, you don't think I can?
123
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,740
Dan, I was a cop.
124
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:20,578
Take your best shot, officer.
125
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,184
Yaah!
126
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,353
Aah!
127
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,156
Ow, ow!
She pulled a hair out.
128
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,091
See?
129
00:06:34,126 --> 00:06:36,761
I'll go teach the kid how
to take care of himself.
130
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:40,865
You know if D.J. Tries to
fight, he'll just get hurt.
131
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,800
Don't worry.
I'll make it clear
132
00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:44,869
that fighting
isn't the answer...
133
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,639
Unless you're sure you can win.
134
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:51,275
Meantime, I'll just keep him
stocked up in Twinkies.
135
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:54,412
I guess I'll get this place
cleaned up for you.
136
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:58,016
I'll start by tossing
this letter from the school.
137
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,051
Might as well, I guess.
138
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,152
Well, all right, mom.
139
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:04,755
What's the matter? Darlene
having problems at school?
140
00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:06,457
Not yet.
141
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:13,998
All right, everybody, listen up!
142
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,866
Today we are very lucky
143
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,002
to have as our guest speaker
144
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:22,440
a woman who chose to make
home economics her life.
145
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:25,043
I want you all to welcome
146
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,311
Mrs. Roseanne Conner.
147
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,015
Here. Kill me.
148
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:35,019
Mrs. Conner has been
a wife and a mother
149
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:36,253
for 17 years,
150
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,122
and she's come to us today
151
00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:42,560
to present a sort of common-sense
approach to home economics.
152
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:44,328
Mrs. Conner.
153
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,230
Ok. Well...
154
00:07:46,265 --> 00:07:48,433
Um, ok. Well, ok.
155
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,368
You know how a lot of people
156
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,871
don't think that being a
housewife is important, but, ok,
157
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,140
a lot of people depend on you,
158
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:59,244
and you got to be really
smart and dedicated.
159
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,146
Well, it's kind of
like being a doctor,
160
00:08:02,181 --> 00:08:05,383
only, you know, um,
the hours are longer
161
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:08,720
and you don't get any pay
162
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:09,987
and, um...
163
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,623
It's way bloodier, so...
164
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,293
It's probably not like
being a doctor at all.
165
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,028
Well, anyway,
any questions or...
166
00:08:18,063 --> 00:08:19,096
Yes, Darlene.
167
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,298
May I be expelled?
168
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,037
No, Darlene.
169
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,304
You got a question?
170
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,741
What did you really want
to do with your life?
171
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,376
Well, I tried, you know,
172
00:08:32,411 --> 00:08:34,846
lounging on the beaches
of Europe,
173
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:38,816
but somehow
that just left me empty.
174
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:40,952
Believe this or not,
175
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:43,487
I really wanted
to have a family.
176
00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:46,924
Maybe not the one I got, but...
177
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:48,259
You know.
178
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:50,527
What's your favorite soap opera?
179
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,363
Well... I don't do that.
180
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:53,931
Is that what you think,
181
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:56,900
that you just watch
soap operas and all that?
182
00:08:56,936 --> 00:09:01,205
You know, raising a family,
well, it's a career.
183
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,039
Ok?
184
00:09:02,074 --> 00:09:05,443
It's kind of like
managing a factory.
185
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:08,346
Now she manages a factory.
186
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:11,582
This will be way better
than the doctor thing,
187
00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:12,917
trust me. Way better.
188
00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:15,353
Ok. Like,
I think of my kids
189
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,121
like they're the product, right?
190
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:21,192
And if I can get them
out there on the market
191
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,362
without them getting
returned defective...
192
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,730
Then I done my job.
193
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,866
But what could you teach us
194
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,401
that we couldn't learn here?
195
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:32,837
Well... What are
you learning here?
196
00:09:32,872 --> 00:09:36,608
Oh, well, yesterday we
baked a quiche Lorraine.
197
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:37,742
No, really?
198
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:39,343
Yes.
199
00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,378
We think it's very important
200
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,647
to learn how to follow a recipe.
201
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:46,884
And we've learned how
to make our own clothes.
202
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:52,490
Oh. Well, how very Little
House on the Prairie.
203
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,225
I don't know anything
204
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,460
about that kind
of home economics.
205
00:09:56,495 --> 00:10:00,264
What I know about is, like,
cleaning and shopping
206
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:03,034
and cooking for a family of five
207
00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:04,668
on a really tight budget
208
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:06,637
and still having money left over
209
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,373
to buy that
all-important aspirin.
210
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:11,142
Well, I don't even know
211
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,577
if I could teach it
in class here.
212
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,414
I think we ought
to go on a field trip.
213
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,016
I think that's a great idea,
214
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:22,219
so why don't you get
permission from your parents
215
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:25,690
to spend an afternoon
with Mrs. Conner?
216
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,858
Oh, mom!
217
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:32,329
Oh, no, that's ok,
Darlene. You can go.
218
00:10:48,213 --> 00:10:50,648
Didn't this class
have some boys?
219
00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:53,250
They think shopping's
a girl thing.
220
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:54,719
Get used to that.
221
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,653
Can we get this over with?
222
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:59,289
Come on now, Darlene,
this can be fun.
223
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:02,593
Here, honey. You
can ride in the seat.
224
00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:05,096
Aw. Aw. Aw.
225
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,604
It's just
the buy-n-bag.
226
00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:14,972
We've been here a million times.
227
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,708
It's not just the
Buy-n-Bag, Darlene.
228
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:20,444
A supermarket is the
very blood and guts
229
00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:21,879
of home economics, and besides,
230
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:24,182
it's what makes
our country great.
231
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,416
Where else in the world
232
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:28,719
are you going to find frozen
pizzas, microwave pizzas,
233
00:11:28,754 --> 00:11:30,988
French bread pizzas,
thick crust pizzas,
234
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,957
pizza puffs, pizza rolls,
235
00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,393
pizza squares, pizza tarts?
236
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:36,460
Did I tell you
237
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:38,996
you should never shop when
you're really hungry?
238
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,032
All right, girls.
The mission is meat.
239
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:44,235
You're making dinner
for five people,
240
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:47,171
and you're on a
really tight budget.
241
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,906
Uh, what's your name?
242
00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:49,640
Meryl.
243
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:51,809
Step up to the meat counter
244
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,445
and pick a meat.
Any meat.
245
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,747
All right, let's see.
246
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:58,850
There's a lot of meat in here.
247
00:11:58,885 --> 00:11:59,984
Some veal, some chicken.
248
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:02,920
Yeah, but you got four
loads in the laundry
249
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,955
and a sink full of dishes,
250
00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:06,068
and your husband gets cranky
251
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:10,594
if he has to wait for his dinner.
Move! Move! Move!
252
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,362
All right, here!
253
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,197
God!
254
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:16,099
So, girls, let's see
what Meryl picked.
255
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:17,301
New York steak, hmm?
256
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:20,471
What does your dad
do for a living?
257
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:21,806
He's a dermatologist.
258
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:25,343
Oh, then that
would be a good choice.
259
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:28,879
Anybody here who doesn't
have a trust fund?
260
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:32,350
Darlene, what are we going
to have for dinner?
261
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:35,919
Well, I'm eating
at Meryl's house.
262
00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:38,990
Who wants to see
a picture of Darlene
263
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:42,593
dressed up like a tulip
for her third-grade play?
264
00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:44,828
Aw. Yeah. Aw.
265
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:46,998
Oh, not me.
266
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,600
Where's that ground garbage?
267
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,202
Here you go.
268
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:53,404
Yes, girls, ground beef...
269
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:56,940
The stuff that gives
meat loaf its bulk.
270
00:12:56,975 --> 00:12:59,743
But meat's supposed
to be bad for you.
271
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:04,782
So are Kool-pops, but you got
to draw the line somewhere.
272
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:05,849
Let's roll.
273
00:13:05,884 --> 00:13:09,420
Darlene, you stay
here with Mommy.
274
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,521
Why?
275
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:15,058
Because I've decided you're
going to be teacher's pet.
276
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:22,165
So all right, there we go.
277
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:23,467
Corn flakes, girls...
278
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:25,102
The most important ingredient
279
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:26,537
in tonight's entree.
280
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,639
Why do we need that?
281
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:29,607
How else you think
282
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,610
we're going to turn 2
pounds of ground beef
283
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,313
into 11 pounds of
mouth-watering meat loaf?
284
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:39,283
And the leftovers
stay crunchy in milk.
285
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:43,187
All right, suck-up,
hand me a box there.
286
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:47,458
Oh, nay. That's
the name brand.
287
00:13:49,128 --> 00:13:50,093
Here, Meryl.
288
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:51,862
Bon appetit.
289
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,665
We have to go for the generic.
290
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:58,735
Why, it's nothing but
second best for our family.
291
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:02,106
Wait. My cereal at home
is the name brand.
292
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,642
No. See, it's just
the name brand box.
293
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:08,879
I've been refilling it
with the cheap stuff...
294
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:12,082
Since 1985.
295
00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:15,586
You mean I've been eating
generic Frankenberries?
296
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:20,057
I'm sorry you had to find
out this way, sugar.
297
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:21,258
So anyways, all right,
298
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:24,027
we got our hamburger,
our corn flakes,
299
00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:24,928
our potatoes.
300
00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:26,663
I say we roll, huh?
301
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,299
What about a vegetable?
302
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,067
Ketchup.
303
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:32,670
Darlene, go pick up
304
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,405
a couple of boxes
of Twinkies over there.
305
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,174
How do they save you money?
306
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:40,711
They're for my brother.
Cheaper than karate lessons.
307
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:41,378
Excuse me.
308
00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:43,413
We're going to go check out.
309
00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:45,716
Do you all have your coupons?
310
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:46,950
- Yes.
- Yeah.
311
00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:50,454
Did you rub off the
expiration date like I said?
312
00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:51,522
- Yes.
- Yeah.
313
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:54,658
Ok, we're on a tight
schedule. Let's roll.
314
00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:57,961
Yes, girls, this here
is the check-out line.
315
00:14:57,996 --> 00:14:59,863
This is where you'll spend
316
00:14:59,898 --> 00:15:02,166
the majority of your adult life.
317
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:05,402
And this is where they
really try to get you.
318
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,237
It's all about impulse buying,
319
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:10,140
but you got to try
to resist the impulse.
320
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:13,677
You got to say, "I do
not need anything here."
321
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:16,780
I do not need anything here.
322
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:20,150
Except for these here
tootsie rolls.
323
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:21,919
Do you believe this?
324
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,821
That woman's on every cover
325
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,323
of every one of these papers.
326
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:29,059
Look. She put
a voodoo curse
327
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,394
on her ex-husband.
328
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,697
She's a damn good
singer, though.
329
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,601
Look what this here
guy's buying...
330
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:40,637
Vodka, Mallomars,
and a TV Guide.
331
00:15:40,672 --> 00:15:44,841
I'm thinking, "single
and staying that way."
332
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:48,845
Ma'am, you have more
than 10 items here.
333
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,982
I got, like, 12.
Give me a break.
334
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:53,384
Move to another line.
335
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,285
Come on!
336
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,485
Those are the rules.
337
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:58,121
All right. I got
12 girls, 12 items.
338
00:15:58,157 --> 00:15:59,923
I'll give each one an item,
339
00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:01,625
we'll be here for 12 years.
340
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,493
Anybody in a hurry?
341
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:06,330
Ok, ok. I count 10 items.
342
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:09,934
That's why it's called
the express line, girls.
343
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,070
You get to express yourself.
344
00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:15,439
Price check on aisle three.
345
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,308
That's $1.29.
346
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:18,309
Thank you.
347
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,079
I don't think it's worth
more than that, do you?
348
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,922
[Snoring]
349
00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:38,896
Aah!
350
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:40,530
Well, girls, this is some
351
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:43,100
of what you're
going to be feeding.
352
00:16:43,135 --> 00:16:46,570
Are you sure we bought enough?
353
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,507
In the kitchen.
354
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:56,414
Roseanne.
355
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,715
What's going on?
356
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,417
Who are all those girls?
357
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,185
They're ours, dearest.
Don't you remember?
358
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:06,323
My god. How long
have I been asleep?
359
00:17:07,492 --> 00:17:09,760
All right, all right, you girls.
360
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:12,363
This is where
we're going to turn
361
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,898
all these fine
and dandy ingredients
362
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:15,899
into a lovely meal
363
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:19,070
that'll make your family
look you in the eye
364
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:21,172
and say,
"Let's eat out."
365
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,339
You, write this down.
366
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,242
Ok, take that meat
and the corn flakes
367
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:28,179
and the tomato sauce,
garlic salt, salt,
368
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,380
and a couple eggs.
369
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:31,682
Mush them all up and everything.
370
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,685
And then put it right
here in this cake pan
371
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,655
with the brown and black
stains on the bottom
372
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,491
and cook it at 375.
373
00:17:41,526 --> 00:17:43,994
All right, girls,
there you have it...
374
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:45,896
A nutritious meal for five
375
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:47,798
plus two lunches
for only 12.73.
376
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:50,433
Cheaper than fast food,
faster than cheap food,
377
00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:53,236
and that is what I call
home economics.
378
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,005
How long do we cook it?
379
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,741
Till the oldest kid
comes down and whines,
380
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,343
"oh, god, not
meat loaf again!"
381
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,546
Call me when you're ready.
382
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,148
Wait. I don't see
383
00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:06,616
why I have to be stuck
in this kitchen
384
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,351
cooking dinner for this family.
385
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,587
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, why?
386
00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:14,758
This is a proud, proud,
proud moment for me, girls.
387
00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:19,163
Now you're sounding
like real housewives.
388
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,571
I can't believe they're in
there cooking us dinner.
389
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,875
Could they tune up the
truck for extra credit?
390
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:31,910
I suppose that depends
391
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:36,247
on how nice you're going
to be to the teacher.
392
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,014
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
393
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:38,748
Excuse me.
394
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,684
What kind of salad dressing
395
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:43,587
would you like,
Mr. Conner?
396
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,157
I don't know.
397
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,994
Nobody's ever
asked me that before.
398
00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:55,833
Oh, you're just confusing
him now, Susie.
399
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,468
Orange or red, Dan?
400
00:18:57,503 --> 00:18:59,236
Oh, orange.
401
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,005
It's the Thousand Island
402
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,208
in the door of the fridge.
403
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:07,577
Now, where were we, my pet?
404
00:19:07,612 --> 00:19:09,779
Appetizers.
405
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:16,253
Oh, nobody needs to see that!
406
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:21,124
Someone just
pulled in our driveway.
407
00:19:21,159 --> 00:19:21,825
Who?
408
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,927
I don't know.
He looked angry.
409
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:24,862
[Doorbell chimes]
410
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,663
You want to get that?
411
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:27,865
Ok.
412
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,366
Jeez.
413
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:34,071
Conner?
414
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:34,905
Possibly.
415
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,807
I'm Jim Morgan,
Kevin Morgan's father.
416
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,677
That's the kid that's
beating up on D.J.
417
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:40,844
That's not what I heard.
418
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:43,046
Kevin came home
with a fat lip today.
419
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:46,584
Said if he doesn't bring
D.J. Two Twinkies tomorrow,
420
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:47,717
he'll get it again.
421
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:50,754
You're saying D.J.
Was beating up your kid?
422
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,889
That's terrible!
423
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,493
D.J., come on
down here now!
424
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:57,827
Yeah, step on it, killer!
425
00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:01,398
No sudden moves. We
don't want to rile him.
426
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:02,232
Yeah?
427
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:04,401
Come over here.
428
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:06,570
This is the kid?
429
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:09,940
D.J., uh, this is
Kevin Morgan's dad.
430
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:10,874
Uh-oh.
431
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:13,810
He says you've been
beating on his kid.
432
00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:15,912
Is it true?
433
00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:20,350
Wait. Something's wrong. Kevin
could take this kid apart.
434
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,052
D.J.,
what's going on?
435
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,486
Kevin was picking on me,
436
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,890
so I got somebody else
to pick on him.
437
00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:28,191
I hired a bodyguard.
438
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:30,360
It cost me one Twinkie
every day.
439
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:33,897
My god, Dan. It's the
famous Twinkie defense.
440
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:34,965
I don't buy it.
441
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,168
Why wouldn't he just tell
me about this bodyguard?
442
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:39,936
Who's the bodyguard, Deej?
443
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,571
Maxine Spencer.
444
00:20:41,606 --> 00:20:42,739
Ah.
445
00:20:42,774 --> 00:20:44,475
Well, enough said, huh, Morgan?
446
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,644
That is one twisted
little kid you got there.
447
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,881
That twisted little kid was
just defending himself.
448
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,385
Your kid started
the whole thing.
449
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:58,889
I want you to call this off.
450
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,425
Not until you call your kid off.
451
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:03,827
You don't tell me what to do.
452
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:06,997
Settle down, or I'll
give my wife a doughnut
453
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:09,400
to kick your butt.
454
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,409
I'm out of here.
455
00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:24,381
All right, Einstein!
456
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,349
Dan.
457
00:21:25,384 --> 00:21:26,116
What?
458
00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:27,685
Don't encourage him.
459
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,853
Kid's a genius!
460
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,322
He's an extortionist.
461
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:35,091
So, what,
now I'm buying Twinkies
462
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,393
for Maxine instead of Kevin?
463
00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:39,763
No. I told Kevin
I'd call Maxine off
464
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:42,099
if he gives me
two Twinkies every day.
465
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:46,136
Then I give one to Maxine
and eat the other one.
466
00:21:46,171 --> 00:21:48,605
Doesn't cost you anything.
467
00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:54,044
He is a genius.
468
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,414
What are you doing out here?
469
00:21:57,450 --> 00:21:59,816
I just wanted to tell you
470
00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:01,718
I learned something
important today.
471
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:05,456
Your job is important,
and it's tough.
472
00:22:07,092 --> 00:22:08,392
I'll marry a rich guy
473
00:22:08,427 --> 00:22:11,928
so I don't have to do any of it.
474
00:22:11,964 --> 00:22:12,929
Aw.
475
00:22:12,965 --> 00:22:17,868
The student surpasses
the teacher, grasshopper.
476
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:21,471
Oh, god, not meat loaf again!
477
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:23,240
It's ready!
478
00:22:24,710 --> 00:22:26,743
After you, godfather.
479
00:22:34,953 --> 00:22:36,019
Rose?
480
00:22:36,054 --> 00:22:37,687
Rosie?
481
00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:41,024
Honey!
482
00:22:41,059 --> 00:22:42,291
Rose?
483
00:22:42,327 --> 00:22:43,126
Arrggghh!
484
00:22:43,161 --> 00:22:46,129
I told you, Dan.
Size means nothing!
485
00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:47,164
Rosie?
486
00:22:47,198 --> 00:22:48,798
Aah!
487
00:22:48,834 --> 00:22:51,701
Grrrr.
488
00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:07,917
Urghhh.
489
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:10,687
If you start to black out,
490
00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:12,456
tap me twice.
491
00:23:12,491 --> 00:23:14,023
Want a beer, Jack?
492
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,292
Not right now.
493
00:23:19,031 --> 00:23:21,698
You give up?
You give up?
494
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,033
Ahh.
495
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:23,934
Ohh!
496
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:25,835
No!
Aah!
34009
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