Original subtitles

That's egg salad. You ordered a BLT.

I'm sorry.

I brought you the wrong lunch.

I'll give you a free piece of pie.

Ok. Apple is my favorite.

Ok. Cross your fingers,

and we'll see what you get.

I make a mistake, and he apologizes.

I should introduce him to Dan.

Maybe it'll rub off.

Hey, Roseanne.

Hey, Crystal. Want some coffee?

Only if you got some made.

Well, this is a coffee shop, Crystal.

Oh, well, that would be fine.

You know, I love the mall after Christmas.

The stores will take back anything.

I just returned an electric wok

that I've had in the closet

since 1982.

How the hell did you do that?

I kept the box.

And luckily I could exchange it

for one of those machines

that rips the hair out of your leg.

They're very effective.

Although they do tend to make you cry.

Excuse me.

She should cry.

I bought her that wok.

Here you go. Eat this.

What's this for?

It's a tip.

But it's, like, 40%.

When a waitress makes a mistake,

you shouldn't over tip like this, Donald.

Remember that for next time.

Come on, dad.

I want to see the movie.

Hold on there, Babalouie.

I want to check out this here cute waitress.

Excuse me.

When you get a minute?

Yeah, you'll be the first to know.

Got a kiss for me,

or do you want a hot poker in the eyeball?

Poker, please.

Yecchh!

So, what are you boys up to?

Oh, just going upstairs to the Cineplex.

You going to see 101 Dalmatians?

Nah. He won't go for that

unless 95 of them blow up.

On your way home,

pick up some mushroom soup and macaroni

for your Dad's favorite tuna casserole.

Yecchh.

I know.

It's god-awful, isn't it?

And especially the way I make it.

Another Christmas in January

with old Ed Conner.

Same as when I was little.

Always traveling.

That's how he kept ahead of other salesmen

who stayed home for the holidays.

If you're going to gripe about your Dad,

you got to order something.

Come on, Deej. Let's go.

See you, Crystal.

Bye, guys.

Remember--go up and ask for two children's tickets.

Why doesn't Dan get along with his father?

I've always found Ed to be a wonderful man.

Well, me, too.

I get along with him great.

'Course, I'm a people person.

[Telephone rings]

There's the phone. Excuse me.

[Ring]

Hello, Rodbell's coffee shop,

home of the quick serve.

What?

I can't hear you, Darlene.

Tell Becky to stop screaming.

Ok, now, what did D.J. do?

How could he do that?

He's not even home.

All right. So, now, where did you find it?

Just put it in a bag,

and I'll bury it when I get there.

Ok, bye.

Problem?

Oh, it's just D.J.

He needs some little friends to play with.

Bring Lonnie around this weekend.

He'd love to play with him.

Uh, Lonnie's at his grandma's for the weekend.

Well, then next weekend.

Roseanne, Lonnie is scared of D.J.

Oh, ok.

At least D.J. has a father.

I feel bad about Lonnie growing up without a father.

Oh, Crystal.

Don't get upset.

Somewhere out there,

there is a guy who is perfect for you.

Excuse me a minute.

Hey, Donald.

Do you like tuna casserole?

Not very much, Roseanne.

Oh, you'll eat it anyway.

Crystal doesn't know this dinner's a fix up?

She thinks she's just dropping off a fondue pot.

Well, what's the guy think?

You know, he's a single guy, and we got hot food.

That's all he needs to know.

Hey, put more cheese in there.

The regular cheese or the stinky cheese?

Stinky.

Ecchh! It smells like Dad's feet.

Something sure smells good!

Hey, Darlene, put another box of macaroni in there.

Well, how much should I put?

The box says, "serves 10."

Well, there's eight of us,

so two boxes ought to do it.

Eight? My Dad's coming. That's six.

I run into Crystal at the mall today.

Seven.

She seemed lonely, so I--

you're not playing matchmaker again, are you?

Every time you do, it blows up in your face.

I fixed up your friend Pete and his wife.

Yeah, and they're divorced now.

Really?

He would be perfect for Jackie.

[Doorbell rings]

It's grandpa!

Oh, cool. Presents!

You coming?

Plenty of time.

You got to make it tough, right, Conner?

I want to finish this article.

Oh, you're reading Cosmo?

Yeah.

Yeeww!

For Becky.

Thanks, grandpa.

For Darlene.

Thanks, grandpa.

For grandpa.

What did you bring me?

It's right here.

I got you a set of books.

I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding. It's a death ray.

Great!

What did you bring me?

Hey, rosebud!

You look younger and more beautiful

every time I see you.

You know, you're a lying sack of skin, Ed,

but I love you.

How are you doing?

I couldn't be better, Rosie.

So where's that bum you married?

He's out there in the kitchen.

I'm supposed to go to him, right?

I think that's the plan.

Dad!

Danny boy!

Come here.

Get you, get you, get you!

How's business, dad?

Great. I'm having the best year of my life.

I picked up one of these lines of fancy coffees.

Dutch mocha,

amaretto creme...

Ah, here we go. Chocolate parfait.

We got this great advertising campaign--

"for the quiet moments of your life."

I haven't had a quiet moment in 17 years.

What else you bring me?

Just so happens, I did bring you a little something.

You didn't have to.

What, Danny? It's a gift.

That's what you call it

when you give somebody something you don't have to.

When you have to, it's called alimony.

Har har har har har.

Grandpa, you got us videotapes.

You don't like the movies I picked?

We love them. We don't have a VCR.

Oh. We do now.

All right, grandpa!

A VCR, Beck. The Conner family leaps into the eighties.

Take it into the living room.

I'll come in a second

and help you hook it up.

Thanks, grandpa.

Yeah, now we really love you.

Uh, listen, there's, um...

There's something I got to talk to you about.

That's what the VCR’s for, to soften us up?

The VCR was a second prize

in a sales contest.

If I'd won first prize, I'd be in Hawaii.

You wouldn't have to put up with me.

Geez, Dan.

What do you want to talk about?

Let's wait till after supper.

Where are you going?

Unload the truck.

Is this how it'll be

the whole time he's visiting,

you acting like a baby?

You hear the crack about alimony?

He never pays my mother a dime in alimony.

It's a joke. Johnny Carson does alimony jokes,

and you're laying there--

"not now, Roseanne, Johnny's on a roll."

He's pulling the same stuff on my kids

as he pulled on me.

He's never around, then he thinks

he can buy them off with presents.

They think he's Santa Claus.

So they love their grandfather.

That's great. They hate everybody else, Dan.

Give him a break.

He helped you with your homework,

taught you how to ride a bike,

and took you to the baseball games.

He never did any of that.

Well, so what? He got us a VCR. Same thing.

Roseanne, I brought the fondue pot.

I hope I'm not too late.

You're right on time.

I want you to stay for dinner.

I couldn't impose.

Oh, no. Nonsense.

Are you still wearing that? You look like hell.

God, she's smooth.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! You got me!

I'm vaporized!

Oh, hi, Cryssie.

Hey, Ed. How are you?

Come on, grandpa.

D.J., give me just a minute

to get my molecules reorganized. All right?

Ok. I'll go kill Dad.

Looks like we're getting close here, huh?

I'll go wash up.

It's really good to see you again, Crystal.

Roseanne, maybe Ed would like it to be

just him and the family.

Oh, nonsense.

Quit whining. Men hate that.

Go in my bedroom

and borrow some earrings and a scarf.

Becky, go with her.

All right.

You know what the sad part is?

She doesn't suspect a thing.

[Doorbell rings]

There's the groom.

Hey, everybody.

What are you doing here?

I'm hungry.

Well, I didn't invite you for dinner.

When have I ever waited for an invitation?

[Doorbell rings]

Get the door, Darlene, and let him in.

Be nice to him. He's skittish.

Who's skittish?

Just this guy from the mall.

Nobody you know. Nobody you'd like.

How do you know I wouldn't like him?

He ain't your type.

He's shy and really quiet.

I mean, he manages this camera shop, you know?

Whose type is he?

He's Crystal's type. So back off.

Oh.

Oh, you wouldn't want to introduce me

to some great guy with a job.

Crystal looks hot, Mom.

We went with the purple scarf

and the silver earrings.

I begged you for those earrings.

What is going on?

First you're on my case about not dating

and then you doll Crystal up

so she can snag some great guy with a job.

He's cute.

He's not your type.

What is my type, Roseanne,

some unemployed rodeo clown?

Uh-oh, bachelorette number two.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Hey, Mom.

Go shoot your sister.

Ok.

I promise the next guy is for you,

but this one's for Crystal.

Pull up a chair and set yourself a place,

but hands off the camera guy.

Donald...

I don't believe you've met my sister Jackie.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You went to Lanford High?

Yes, Donald.

Have they always been the Fighting Tigers?

I don't know.

Let me go find out.

Roseanne...

That's 12 questions in a row,

in case you're counting.

Oh, he's just nervous.

That's how he tries to make conversation.

Get him off my back.

You begged me to fix you up with him.

That was before I found out

he was the question man--

what kind of car do you drive?

What's your favorite soup?

Did you do it in here?

I didn't design this kitchen, Donald.

Jackie, were you a cheerleader?

No, Donald.

Did you try out and not make it?

You know, Crystal was on the pompom squad.

Really?

Oh, dear.

Are they your own pompons

or does the school provide them?

They gave them to me.

You know, Jackie was on the field hockey team.

No kidding.

Do you use a ball or a puck?

You know what's great after a big dinner

is a nice drive.

Jackie, take Donald on a nice little drive.

Roseanne...

I know.

You want to borrow my Isadora Duncan scarf.

I've got it right here in the bedroom.

Can I buy this at a store?

Hey, I promised the kids

I'd watch movie tapes with them.

Oh, I'll go with you.

You work in a camera shop.

Do you send your film to a lab?

What kind of a lab? A big lab?

I want that guy out of here.

Tell him to leave.

No, I can't.

I'll leave.

Take him with you.

Not on your life.

You're not going to believe this!

I come in here,

and what do I see on this very spot?

Crystal and Ed kissing.

Making out?

Like trying to climb each other.

Oh, my god!

I figure I can find out what's going on

if you and the Quizmaster blow.

Ok, but I want details later.

I'll call you for sure.

What if he tries something?

Oh, Jackie, he's annoying.

He's not desperate.

[Crying]

What's wrong with D.J.?

Oh, his death ray broke.

How did that happen?

Oh, that's not important.

Ok, Donald, I'm ready.

Great. So where do you want to go?

Who's driving? Is it far?

Oh, you'll find out when you get there.

Thanks for coming. Yeah, bye.

Adult time.

Everybody upstairs. Go on. Run along.

Mom, that's not fair.

We're watching a videotape.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

There's logic for you.

I can't wait till I have kids.

They'll have to do everything I say.

Funny how Donald and Jackie hit it right off.

I thought Donald was more, say, Crystal's type,

but what do I know?

Absolutely nothing, my pet.

So, Ed...

Crystal...

What's new?

Danny, I wanted to tell you--

before you say anything,

I was way out of line before.

Your intentions are good.

I was a complete jerk.

Maybe I should leave you alone.

This is a family moment.

Please stay. I want you to.

Dad-- listen, Danny--

this is really tough for me.

Let me get the whole thing out.

Whatever happened between you and Mom

and between you and me

is history.

Let's start over.

That's great, son.

I can't tell you how long I wanted to hear those words,

and you're right.

We've got to start over because, uh, ahem...

Starting over is good.

It's a good thing.

As a matter of fact,

I've been starting over myself, because, uh...

Crystal and I have been seeing each other.

What do you mean, "seeing"?

Well, since last Thanksgiving, uh...

We started getting together

whenever I had a break in my schedule.

Sorry I didn't tell you two,

but we didn't know how you'd take it.

Well, are you happy?

Yes, I am.

Well...

Then...

I'm happy for you.

As to how Dan's going to take it, well...

Take it, Dan.

You're more than 20 years older than she is.

I've done the math.

You knew her as a kid.

She's grown.

With a kid.

We've met.

So what do you want?

I wanted you to know.

I felt idiotic coming around here without stopping by.

We felt so sneaky.

Now we know.

Good.

Dan...

I'm going with it, Roseanne.

You're not upset?

Well, to be honest,

I feel a little bad for Donald.

Donald the question man?

Oh, I'm glad you're good with this,

because we're getting married.

That's it.

Where are you going?

Somewhere else.

Dan.

I'm sorry.

Get inside, Crystal.

I'm not going.

It's freezing out here.

We want your blessing, Dan.

You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

You're expecting a husband, companion, a father for Lonnie.

Forget it. He won't be there for you.

Dan, I love him.

Why?

He's kind and he's generous and he's funny.

He reminds me a lot of you, Dan.

Congratulations, Crystal.

You figured out the exact wrong thing to say.

Well, it's true, you know.

You just don't give the man any credit.

I've known him all my life.

I know exactly what's going to happen.

A year from now you'll be lonelier than ever,

and you'll be married.

You won't even have the clowns Roseanne sets you up with.

I'll take that chance.

Then I'm done talking.

Dan, it can't be like this.

Whether you like it or not,

I'm marrying your father,

and, well, I'll kind of be like your mother.

I want your blessing.

I'm sorry, Crystal.

Well, then, Dan Conner,

you don't get your coat back.

Thanks, Mom.

More coffee?

Whole pot.

Pour it on me.

Anything you say, dearest.

You know, a lesser man

would have come back in for his coat.

I didn't want to see my father.

We got to figure out how to deal with this.

Deal with what?

We buy a gift and show up at the wedding.

I think I'll buy her an electric wok.

I'm not going to the wedding.

Yes, you are.

You're the best man

and I'm the matron of honor.

We'll walk down that aisle

just like old times,

only this time we need a wider aisle.

Oh, yeah? Who decided all this?

My best friend Crystal

asked me to help plan her wedding,

and I said yes.

What are you, crazy?

You know this thing's a mistake.

No, I don't, Dan.

I see two people who obviously love each other.

They're just looking for some support

from their family and friends.

You're not doing this, Roseanne.

You know, you're really sexy

when you attempt to be assertive.

I'm serious.

You're not going, neither am I,

and that's an end to it.

No, it ain't.

Do you like the pie?

It's apple, my favorite.

What's your favorite pie?

Your coffee hot enough?

I hate cold coffee.

I come here every day. I work here.

What do you do?

I'll bet you're good at it.

I sell cameras right here in the mall.

Oh, that must have hurt.

You need an aspirin?

Anybody got an aspirin?

You want regular or buffered?