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1
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,713
What should we do this weekend?
2
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:25,483
Can we drink beer
and watch football on TV?
3
00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:27,918
Huh? Can we?
Please, please?
4
00:01:27,954 --> 00:01:31,289
Ok, just this once.
5
00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:34,358
[Telephone rings]
6
00:01:35,194 --> 00:01:37,829
Hello? Oh, hi, Ma.
7
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:38,796
Bye, Ma.
8
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:40,298
You're not
interrupting anything.
9
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,768
Dan and I,
we're just having sex.
10
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,406
Hey, Deej, what you watching?
11
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:49,975
Hey, Laurel and Hardy.
12
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,209
Nice to see my boy
13
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:53,244
has such discriminating taste.
14
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,112
He doesn't.
15
00:01:54,147 --> 00:01:57,615
He just likes movies
where the actors are dead.
16
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:58,350
Hey, guys.
17
00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:00,652
Well, I have some bad news.
18
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:03,220
Grandma Harris isn't
going to be making
19
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:06,123
her usual holiday
visit this year.
20
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,025
What a shame.
21
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:11,028
You know, we're
going to miss her.
22
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,297
I know, but cheer up
23
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:14,065
because she's coming tonight.
24
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,667
Couldn't you stop her?
25
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:18,537
Oh, I think it's great.
26
00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:21,039
That's because she loves you.
27
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,208
Because I'm nice to her.
28
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:23,642
Yeah.
29
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,910
You're such
a suck-up queen.
30
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:26,611
Yeah.
31
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,747
This means we're stuck here
32
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,248
on our Saturday night?
33
00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:32,417
Hey, this is my mother
34
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:33,651
who we all love.
35
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,386
Besides, if you're not here,
36
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:39,324
she'll talk to me, and
nobody wants that.
37
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:40,525
Yeah, it'll be great...
38
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,427
Two hours of tense conversation
39
00:02:42,462 --> 00:02:45,363
followed by a delightful
dinner from hell.
40
00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:49,234
Help your brother clean
up his room for Grandma.
41
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,502
I want it to sparkle.
42
00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:54,906
Well, just pick up
the big chunks.
43
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:57,909
I'll get the big chunks
down here.
44
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,744
Suck-up.
45
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,645
I'll hide in the garage.
46
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:05,316
Throw a stick at
the window when she's gone.
47
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,117
Chicken.
48
00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:08,353
I hate how we act
when she's around.
49
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,888
You get crazy,
the kids get weird,
50
00:03:10,923 --> 00:03:14,058
and I become
captain son-in-law,
51
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,104
fending off deadly insults
52
00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:19,097
with his invincible
phony grin of steel.
53
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:23,334
I'll call Jackie
and tell her mom's coming.
54
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:24,869
Like she'll rush right over
55
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,537
after that fight they had.
56
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,940
She'll be here.
It's her mother.
57
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,408
Yeah, right.
58
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:32,376
No, watch and learn.
59
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:34,912
Hi, it's me.
60
00:03:34,947 --> 00:03:36,647
What are you doing today?
61
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:39,484
I was going to,
like, make some fudge
62
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:42,620
and watch that Kevin
Costner movie on cable.
63
00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:46,590
You know, the one
where he's butt-naked?
64
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:50,261
Great.
3:00 will be swell.
65
00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:53,731
She loves her mother.
66
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,341
We were there for three days.
67
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,743
Here's your dad with a cactus.
68
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:08,313
It seems like it's
raising its arms.
69
00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:12,116
Here's dad playing
stick-'em-up with the cactus.
70
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:15,186
Here he's doing the same thing.
71
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,322
And here again.
72
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:20,859
He really thought
this was funny.
73
00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:23,594
How about some
more coffee, Grandma?
74
00:04:23,629 --> 00:04:25,930
Thank you, sweetheart.
75
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:31,035
Darlene!
76
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,437
So when's Jackie coming?
77
00:04:33,472 --> 00:04:35,573
Don't tell me she's still mad.
78
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,575
No, she'll be coming over.
79
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,644
Be nice to her this time.
80
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:41,212
I'm always nice to her.
81
00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:42,647
That's why you tell her
82
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:46,083
how dumping Gary was the
worst mistake of her life
83
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:50,221
and how she'll end up
a lonely, bitter old maid.
84
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,623
That's how we talk.
85
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,626
Don't worry, I'll be good.
86
00:04:55,661 --> 00:04:56,894
Hi, Grandma.
87
00:04:56,929 --> 00:05:01,599
Why didn't you come say
hi when I got here?
88
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:04,635
Why didn't you
come up and say hi?
89
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:07,438
Look who forgot to give Grandma
90
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:10,341
a great big kiss.
91
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:13,911
Here you go, Grandma.
92
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:16,948
I put in skim milk
and brown sugar,
93
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,350
just the way you like it.
94
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:20,985
[Sucking sounds]
95
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:23,721
Becky is certainly blossoming
96
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,557
into a beautiful young woman.
97
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,459
Feel free to speak
directly to her, mom.
98
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:32,896
She's that blonde
sitting next to you there.
99
00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:37,067
Anyone special these days
I should know about?
100
00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:40,671
There's this guy who just
moved here from Evanston.
101
00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:42,774
He asked me out tonight.
102
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,308
What did you tell him?
103
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,277
Well, nothing yet, but...
104
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,046
She knows you rarely visit,
105
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:51,549
and she'd rather
spend that time with you.
106
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:52,683
Well, that's just silly.
107
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:55,419
You can't waste
an evening with me
108
00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,989
when you could be having fun.
109
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:58,957
Why the hell not?
110
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,760
Thanks, Grandma. I'll
wear that silk blouse
111
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,427
you got for my birthday.
112
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:05,429
I better make a call.
113
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:06,465
Guess I'll go out, too.
114
00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:10,401
If it rains, I'll wear
those galoshes you got me.
115
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:13,238
You stay here with us.
116
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,273
I don't want to stay.
117
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,440
I want to go out.
118
00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:19,110
Oh, now where
would you be going?
119
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,478
What's that supposed to mean?
120
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:24,081
Darlene, when you're a
big girl like Becky
121
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,419
you'll get to go on dates, too.
122
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:28,419
Wait a damn minute!
123
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:31,322
Ok, Darlene,
get out in the kitchen.
124
00:06:31,357 --> 00:06:34,925
She can't decide who's
old enough to go out
125
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,261
and who isn't.
126
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,166
Don't talk to her like that.
127
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,834
Why can Becky go out?
128
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:44,402
Becky had a date.
129
00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:45,437
Well, so could I.
130
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,938
Grandma acts like
I'm 3 years old.
131
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:50,708
You are acting like
you missed your nap.
132
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:54,546
I bet Becky doesn't
even have a date.
133
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,247
I've got enough going on.
134
00:06:56,282 --> 00:07:00,218
I don't need any more
trouble from you.
135
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,852
I hate her.
136
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,789
How's it going, honey?
137
00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:09,793
Run away. Run away.
138
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:14,866
It's a shame Becky has to go out
139
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:17,468
the one night I'm in town.
140
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:19,003
You just told her to go.
141
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:23,173
Talk to her. Have her at
least stay for dinner.
142
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,141
You talk to her.
143
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:27,345
I don't want her
to be mad at me.
144
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:30,214
No, she can be mad at me.
145
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,849
Fine.
146
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:36,287
Well, I need to visit
the little girls' room.
147
00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:37,055
62 years old
148
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,024
and she still says
the little girls' room.
149
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,093
Bring on the fudge
and Kevin Costner’s butt.
150
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:47,965
I'm ready to sink my teeth
into both of them.
151
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,169
How you doing, sis?
152
00:07:52,204 --> 00:07:56,106
Roseanne,
are these towels clean?
153
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:59,744
You are just evil.
154
00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,247
Is that Jackie?
155
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:06,384
Oh, no, you don't!
156
00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:08,652
Let me go!
157
00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:10,154
She's your mother!
158
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,623
Don't make me
hurt you, Roseanne.
159
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:16,160
You're going to get up
and stay here.
160
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:18,095
Grow up.
161
00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:22,733
Come on now.
162
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,473
Mom, hi.
163
00:08:31,878 --> 00:08:33,111
Oh, tell me, Roseanne.
164
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:35,780
How many women
can look that good
165
00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:37,782
without a drop of makeup?
166
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:39,650
And your hair's adorable.
167
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:41,685
Thanks, mom.
168
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,754
You know, I'm almost glad
169
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,990
your dad couldn't make it.
170
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,258
This give us girls
171
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,827
a chance to have some fun.
172
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,962
This is mom, isn't it?
173
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:52,930
I don't know.
174
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:56,567
I better check that
birthmark she's got.
175
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:59,570
No, 665.
176
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,374
Close enough.
177
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,283
I heard from
Mrs. Quigley.
178
00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:13,451
Our old neighbor?
179
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:16,153
Mm-hmm. She said
everybody's fine,
180
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:17,521
and her little Jeffrey
181
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,757
should be out of prison soon.
182
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:23,193
Those eight years
just flew by, didn't they?
183
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,328
Remember when Jeffrey
184
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:27,765
talked you into playing
spin the bottle?
185
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:28,866
Yeah. He kissed me
186
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:31,469
and his retainer
fell off in my mouth.
187
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:36,140
My little angel was
playing spin the bottle?
188
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:39,777
Sure, Jackie,
now you got me in trouble.
189
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,145
Ground her, mom.
190
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:42,413
Ground her. Ground her.
191
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:45,149
Anything else
you want to tell me
192
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:48,519
while I'm knee-deep in
this cheap chardonnay?
193
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,987
Ok. Remember
this one weekend
194
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:55,460
when you and dad went to one
of his furniture conventions?
195
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:56,461
Oh...
196
00:09:56,496 --> 00:10:01,131
Oh, what? You two have
some kind of wild party?
197
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,299
Yeah...
198
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,868
- In Chicago.
- In Chicago.
199
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:08,105
Uh-oh. Now
she's thinking now.
200
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,740
Will she yell at us
201
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:13,344
for something we did
over 22 years ago,
202
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:14,412
or...
203
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,013
There you go.
204
00:10:16,048 --> 00:10:18,382
Ok, mom.
205
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:19,650
You two are terrible.
206
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:23,654
Hey, I have one
that's even better.
207
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:25,022
Ok.
208
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:26,657
Ok.
209
00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:28,258
Remember my friend Jeanine?
210
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:33,330
You used to stay at her
house till all hours.
211
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,598
Ok, well...
212
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,367
There was no Jeanine.
213
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:45,776
Jeanine was Dan!
214
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:50,614
Roseanne, I thought
you were studying.
215
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,516
I always got good marks.
216
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:55,619
Yeah, mostly on your neck.
217
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:57,254
All right, it's my turn.
218
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,957
Remember the design
school I applied to
219
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,459
that never answered back?
220
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,829
Well, I actually got in.
221
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:10,902
You were accepted?
222
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:13,971
Yeah. Only I threw
the letter away
223
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,873
before you guys could see it.
224
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:20,311
You knew how much
we wanted you to go there.
225
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,714
Well, I didn't.
226
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:23,547
Hey!
227
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:25,783
Remember when I told you guys
228
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,553
that Ringo actually
called me up on the phone?
229
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,123
I guess now we see what happens
230
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,292
when we squander
our opportunities.
231
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,061
Don't start, mom.
232
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:39,596
Maybe if you'd gone
to design school
233
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,799
you'd have a career
instead of...
234
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:42,800
Wasting my life
235
00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:45,936
bouncing from one meaningless
job to the next.
236
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:46,837
You guys, come on.
237
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:50,507
Let's grab a vegetable
and start chopping.
238
00:11:50,542 --> 00:11:52,243
No, she's going to tell me
239
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:55,413
everything I've ever
done wrong in my life.
240
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,981
Come on.
I know you're dying to.
241
00:11:58,017 --> 00:12:01,185
I wish for once
I didn't have to.
242
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,453
I'll make it easy for you...
243
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:04,655
I'm a screw-up.
244
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,924
Jackie, you're not
a screw-up.
245
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,129
Mom, you tell her
she's not a screw-up.
246
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:14,965
I'm out of here.
247
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:15,732
Jackie.
248
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:16,968
What is it with you?
249
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:20,004
Why can't you let
her live her life?
250
00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:21,672
Because she had potential.
251
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:22,739
She had a spark.
252
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:25,742
We just didn't want
to see it wasted.
253
00:12:25,778 --> 00:12:28,179
Your father and I
said to each other,
254
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:31,615
"there's no limit
to what Jackie can do."
255
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,050
You guys said that?
256
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,252
You said I got a spark?
257
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:36,187
Oh, yes.
258
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:38,956
Your father was convinced
you'd be a lawyer
259
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,358
because you loved to argue.
260
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,894
Really?
261
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,963
Why do you think
we worried so much?
262
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,065
We never worried about Roseanne.
263
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:51,068
We knew what she'd be.
264
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,705
Oh?
265
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:56,440
What?
266
00:12:56,475 --> 00:13:00,310
Safe and comfortable
and a good mommy,
267
00:13:00,345 --> 00:13:02,112
just like you are now.
268
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:04,514
So what are you saying, mother?
269
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:08,152
You're saying that
all I could ever be
270
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:09,586
is some ordinary housewife?
271
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:13,090
Roseanne, you have a nice house,
272
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:16,026
beautiful children...
273
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,230
A husband.
274
00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:25,602
There's nothing wrong at all
with being ordinary.
275
00:13:26,939 --> 00:13:29,140
Hey, how's it going?
276
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:34,178
Run away. Run away.
277
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,951
So my mother's in there
278
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:43,387
doing these back flips
over Jackie.
279
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,022
I'm the one that turned out ok.
280
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:47,258
Jackie's a screw-up.
281
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:50,694
Roll with it, honey.
282
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,330
Roll with it?
283
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,265
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
284
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,032
I don't know.
285
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:58,936
I figured it was
my turn to speak.
286
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:00,104
That's ok.
287
00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:02,740
I finished watching
the whole game.
288
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,875
This was just the overtime.
289
00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:07,678
I'm really hurt here, you know?
290
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:09,146
I just can't believe
291
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,314
it was always, like,
292
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,683
Jackie could be
this great astronaut
293
00:14:12,718 --> 00:14:14,218
or the president,
294
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:15,352
and Roseanne...
295
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:19,223
Could be some great organ donor.
296
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,358
Dad?
297
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:23,226
Oh, sorry.
298
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:24,362
What is it, Darlene?
299
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:27,798
Actually, it was dad
I wanted to talk to.
300
00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:30,801
Well, there he is.
301
00:14:30,836 --> 00:14:32,736
All right.
Marcy just called
302
00:14:32,771 --> 00:14:35,605
and invited me over for dinner.
303
00:14:35,641 --> 00:14:36,707
No, you're here tonight.
304
00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:39,109
I don't appreciate your
going over my head.
305
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,679
If I say no,
he says no. Right?
306
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:42,680
Yes.
307
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,414
No.
308
00:14:44,449 --> 00:14:46,183
It's one night,
Darlene. Ok?
309
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,319
One night
out of your entire life,
310
00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:52,222
and I think that you can...
311
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:54,157
Just roll with it.
312
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:57,762
That's sound advice, Darlene.
313
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:02,099
Now go on and get in there.
314
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,467
You come too, Dan.
Come on.
315
00:15:04,503 --> 00:15:07,404
We'll have a nice family dinner.
316
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:21,719
This is really good.
317
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,053
Oh, I don't know.
318
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,922
It seems ordinary to me.
319
00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:26,924
I never learned how to cook.
320
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:29,159
You had other talents, dear.
321
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,560
Really? Like what?
322
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,329
Would you like some salt?
323
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:35,366
Roseanne, you know
I'm not allowed salt.
324
00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:37,435
Can I have more potatoes?
325
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,070
Here you are, dear.
326
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:46,610
Roseanne also keeps
this house going
327
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,212
like a well-oiled machine.
328
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:52,182
How does she manage with
her job and other stuff?
329
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:54,452
Like what stuff?
330
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,420
Like...
331
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:00,724
Like the, um...
332
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:04,294
PTA committee. How do
they manage without her?
333
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,597
I quit that over two
years ago, Jackie.
334
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:11,368
Obviously your work there
was finished, honey.
335
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:13,871
And she sold over 50 tickets
336
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,739
to the Elks' glaucoma dance.
337
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,742
Which means I can dial
a phone, huh?
338
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:21,311
And D.J. has scouts
every Saturday,
339
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:24,515
which also means I had to master
340
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,283
the fine art of driving.
341
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:31,254
Boy, I'm just a regular
renaissance woman, aren't I?
342
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:32,489
Becky, honey, tell me
343
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:34,291
about the boy you're dating.
344
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,261
All my friends think
he's really cute.
345
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,163
Darlene, you're lucky
Becky's so popular.
346
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,465
When you start dating
347
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,168
she can give you some pointers.
348
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,268
If she's so popular,
349
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:49,339
ask her which one of us
got felt up.
350
00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:58,015
Darlene, leave the table.
351
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:01,885
Yeah, I knew that would do it.
352
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:07,691
I have an idea...
Let's skip dessert.
353
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:09,159
I'm full. Let's go.
354
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,595
No, no. Sit down.
355
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:12,429
Roseanne, how about
356
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,298
some of your fabulous
Dutch apple pie?
357
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,968
You make that
with cinnamon, right?
358
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:18,636
Nutmeg, mom.
359
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:22,506
1 1/4 teaspoons of nutmeg.
360
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,542
You know, speaking of pies,
361
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,376
one day when these two
362
00:17:26,412 --> 00:17:28,679
were knee-high
to a grasshopper,
363
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,949
I went out back to
call them for supper.
364
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:34,284
Jackie was over by the fence
365
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:37,988
building a village
out of those Legos.
366
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:38,822
Oh.
367
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,992
Oh, it was quite a
project, believe me.
368
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:46,129
She had traffic lights
and skyscrapers
369
00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:48,799
and hospitals and...
370
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,801
We get the picture, mom.
371
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:55,639
Anyway, Roseanne was
nowhere to be seen.
372
00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:58,442
Well, I looked and looked
373
00:17:58,477 --> 00:17:59,810
and finally found her
374
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,913
behind that big maple
tree near the ditch.
375
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,716
There she sat in her
white ruffled dress
376
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:11,455
completely covered with
dirt and making mud pies.
377
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,757
So you see, Roseanne,
378
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:17,994
making pies must be
in your blood.
379
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,233
Speaking of blood...
380
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:26,503
What time you shoving off
tomorrow, Bev?
381
00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:28,538
Grandma, I've got to go.
382
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:31,307
But we haven't talked.
383
00:18:31,343 --> 00:18:34,277
Ok. What do you want
to talk about?
384
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:37,948
Maybe she wants to talk
about my mashed potatoes,
385
00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:41,318
how creamy smooth
they are. Maybe, huh?
386
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,388
Or maybe my biscuits.
How light and airy,
387
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:47,824
the way they just
fly across the room.
388
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:50,694
Or maybe she wants to talk about
389
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:54,097
the other 10 million
ordinary things I do
390
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,766
in my ordinary life.
391
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,501
Excuse me.
392
00:18:57,703 --> 00:19:00,837
Is she getting enough iron?
393
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,577
Hey, hey, what is your problem?
394
00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:11,348
My problem is I've got no spark.
395
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:12,849
Oh, Roseanne.
396
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,118
I didn't have to end up ordinary
397
00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:18,321
if she'd expected anything
like she did you.
398
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:23,827
You missed out on the chance
to be a neurotic mess.
399
00:19:23,862 --> 00:19:24,995
It ain't right, Jackie.
400
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:27,831
She should've
treated us the same.
401
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,267
You treat your kids the same?
402
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:31,401
Yeah, I do.
403
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:32,437
You don't think I do?
404
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:35,906
It's no big deal if she
thought I had potential
405
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:38,876
because she'll always think
I messed up my life.
406
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:42,513
She'll always think you're
the best mud pie maker
407
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:43,847
in the whole world.
408
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,883
She decided that long ago.
409
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,851
It's not going to change.
410
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,120
That's the way mothers are.
411
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,322
Not this one.
412
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,634
I'm not going back down
there, so forget it.
413
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:06,570
I made it through dinner.
That was the deal.
414
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:09,806
I won't take any more
"Becky beautiful" garbage.
415
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:12,476
You have more
respect for your...
416
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:14,844
Forget it.
You're right.
417
00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:19,483
You're not mad about
what I did at dinner?
418
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:22,352
I thought you were
really out of line
419
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,721
till I started
throwing biscuits.
420
00:20:24,756 --> 00:20:27,424
You threw biscuits at Grandma?
421
00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:29,759
No, I didn't want
to hit D.J.
422
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:33,697
You know how soft his skull is.
423
00:20:34,099 --> 00:20:36,400
I miss all the good stuff.
424
00:20:36,435 --> 00:20:40,337
Hey, Darlene, do you
think that I...
425
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:43,674
Encourage you, you
know, to do stuff?
426
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,041
Well, I don't know.
427
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:47,778
What are you talking about?
428
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,546
Well...
429
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,515
Do you think that I...
430
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:53,550
expect more out of Becky
431
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:56,219
than I do out of you?
432
00:20:56,254 --> 00:20:57,220
I don't know.
433
00:20:57,255 --> 00:21:00,624
You expect Becky things
out of Becky...
434
00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:01,925
Like good grades.
435
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,995
I expect good grades
out of you, too.
436
00:21:05,030 --> 00:21:07,531
I just never get them.
437
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:10,667
I think we both know
that I'm smarter,
438
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:11,801
just in a different way.
439
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:15,305
If you dropped me
and Becky in the woods,
440
00:21:15,341 --> 00:21:16,706
I'd make it home
441
00:21:16,742 --> 00:21:17,874
and poor little Becky
442
00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:21,978
would crawl into
a hollow log and die.
443
00:21:23,915 --> 00:21:26,550
That's why I had
two daughters...
444
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:28,652
I always carry a spare.
445
00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:32,456
You know, I'm sorry
I said I hated Grandma.
446
00:21:32,491 --> 00:21:34,324
I guess I love her,
447
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,593
but sometimes I don't like her.
448
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:39,796
Yeah, sometimes she
makes it kind of tough.
449
00:21:39,831 --> 00:21:41,965
But then there's
these other times
450
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:46,269
where you just want to take
her face in your hands
451
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:49,272
and twist it till
her head pops off.
452
00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:53,076
It's good I never
feel that way about you.
453
00:21:53,112 --> 00:21:56,846
Yeah, it's a real good thing.
454
00:21:56,881 --> 00:21:58,916
You know, I got this theory...
455
00:21:58,951 --> 00:22:02,252
Grandma was probably
a better mom than her mom,
456
00:22:02,288 --> 00:22:06,423
and you're definitely a
better mom than Grandma was.
457
00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:07,925
That's a good theory.
458
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,727
By the time I'm a mom,
I'll be awesome
459
00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:14,631
because I'll have learned
from both your mistakes.
460
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:15,799
Whoa.
461
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,400
Heavy.
462
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,303
What do you bet
Grandma's downstairs
463
00:22:20,338 --> 00:22:23,339
making Becky look
at her 400 pictures
464
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:26,677
she took on her trip to Arizona?
465
00:22:26,712 --> 00:22:30,346
Becky will probably
never get out of here.
466
00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:31,181
Good.
467
00:22:31,216 --> 00:22:34,317
I ought to head back
to the snake pit.
468
00:22:34,352 --> 00:22:35,619
Want to come along?
469
00:22:35,654 --> 00:22:38,054
Will you be throwing
any more biscuits?
470
00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:40,457
Yeah, if I can get a clear shot.
471
00:22:47,666 --> 00:22:52,001
Here's the world's largest
reptile museum... Lizardland.
472
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,238
That's a lizard.
473
00:22:54,573 --> 00:22:56,240
Here's a bigger lizard.
474
00:22:56,275 --> 00:22:58,942
That's the owner of the museum.
475
00:22:58,977 --> 00:23:00,677
A very nice young man.
476
00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:04,914
We told him
all about you, Jackie.
477
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:07,517
He might be calling you.
478
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:10,053
His name is fess.
479
00:23:10,422 --> 00:23:15,258
Your dad playing
stick-'em-up with a lizard.
480
00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:20,196
Not as funny as the cactus,
but you know your father.
481
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:21,331
You got his sense of humor.
32709
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