Original subtitles

What should we do this weekend?

Can we drink beer and watch football on TV?

Huh? Can we? Please, please?

Ok, just this once.

[Telephone rings]

Hello? Oh, hi, Ma.

Bye, Ma.

You're not interrupting anything.

Dan and I, we're just having sex.

Hey, Deej, what you watching?

Hey, Laurel and Hardy.

Nice to see my boy

has such discriminating taste.

He doesn't.

He just likes movies where the actors are dead.

Hey, guys.

Well, I have some bad news.

Grandma Harris isn't going to be making

her usual holiday visit this year.

What a shame.

You know, we're going to miss her.

I know, but cheer up

because she's coming tonight.

Couldn't you stop her?

Oh, I think it's great.

That's because she loves you.

Because I'm nice to her.

Yeah.

You're such a suck-up queen.

Yeah.

This means we're stuck here

on our Saturday night?

Hey, this is my mother

who we all love.

Besides, if you're not here,

she'll talk to me, and nobody wants that.

Yeah, it'll be great...

Two hours of tense conversation

followed by a delightful dinner from hell.

Help your brother clean up his room for Grandma.

I want it to sparkle.

Well, just pick up the big chunks.

I'll get the big chunks down here.

Suck-up.

I'll hide in the garage.

Throw a stick at the window when she's gone.

Chicken.

I hate how we act when she's around.

You get crazy, the kids get weird,

and I become captain son-in-law,

fending off deadly insults

with his invincible phony grin of steel.

I'll call Jackie and tell her mom's coming.

Like she'll rush right over

after that fight they had.

She'll be here. It's her mother.

Yeah, right.

No, watch and learn.

Hi, it's me.

What are you doing today?

I was going to, like, make some fudge

and watch that Kevin Costner movie on cable.

You know, the one where he's butt-naked?

Great. 3:00 will be swell.

She loves her mother.

We were there for three days.

Here's your dad with a cactus.

It seems like it's raising its arms.

Here's dad playing stick-'em-up with the cactus.

Here he's doing the same thing.

And here again.

He really thought this was funny.

How about some more coffee, Grandma?

Thank you, sweetheart.

Darlene!

So when's Jackie coming?

Don't tell me she's still mad.

No, she'll be coming over.

Be nice to her this time.

I'm always nice to her.

That's why you tell her

how dumping Gary was the worst mistake of her life

and how she'll end up a lonely, bitter old maid.

That's how we talk.

Don't worry, I'll be good.

Hi, Grandma.

Why didn't you come say hi when I got here?

Why didn't you come up and say hi?

Look who forgot to give Grandma

a great big kiss.

Here you go, Grandma.

I put in skim milk and brown sugar,

just the way you like it.

[Sucking sounds]

Becky is certainly blossoming

into a beautiful young woman.

Feel free to speak directly to her, mom.

She's that blonde sitting next to you there.

Anyone special these days I should know about?

There's this guy who just moved here from Evanston.

He asked me out tonight.

What did you tell him?

Well, nothing yet, but...

She knows you rarely visit,

and she'd rather spend that time with you.

Well, that's just silly.

You can't waste an evening with me

when you could be having fun.

Why the hell not?

Thanks, Grandma. I'll wear that silk blouse

you got for my birthday.

I better make a call.

Guess I'll go out, too.

If it rains, I'll wear those galoshes you got me.

You stay here with us.

I don't want to stay.

I want to go out.

Oh, now where would you be going?

What's that supposed to mean?

Darlene, when you're a big girl like Becky

you'll get to go on dates, too.

Wait a damn minute!

Ok, Darlene, get out in the kitchen.

She can't decide who's old enough to go out

and who isn't.

Don't talk to her like that.

Why can Becky go out?

Becky had a date.

Well, so could I.

Grandma acts like I'm 3 years old.

You are acting like you missed your nap.

I bet Becky doesn't even have a date.

I've got enough going on.

I don't need any more trouble from you.

I hate her.

How's it going, honey?

Run away. Run away.

It's a shame Becky has to go out

the one night I'm in town.

You just told her to go.

Talk to her. Have her at least stay for dinner.

You talk to her.

I don't want her to be mad at me.

No, she can be mad at me.

Fine.

Well, I need to visit the little girls' room.

62 years old

and she still says the little girls' room.

Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner’s butt.

I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.

How you doing, sis?

Roseanne, are these towels clean?

You are just evil.

Is that Jackie?

Oh, no, you don't!

Let me go!

She's your mother!

Don't make me hurt you, Roseanne.

You're going to get up and stay here.

Grow up.

Come on now.

Mom, hi.

Oh, tell me, Roseanne.

How many women can look that good

without a drop of makeup?

And your hair's adorable.

Thanks, mom.

You know, I'm almost glad

your dad couldn't make it.

This give us girls

a chance to have some fun.

This is mom, isn't it?

I don't know.

I better check that birthmark she's got.

No, 665.

Close enough.

I heard from Mrs. Quigley.

Our old neighbor?

Mm-hmm. She said everybody's fine,

and her little Jeffrey

should be out of prison soon.

Those eight years just flew by, didn't they?

Remember when Jeffrey

talked you into playing spin the bottle?

Yeah. He kissed me

and his retainer fell off in my mouth.

My little angel was playing spin the bottle?

Sure, Jackie, now you got me in trouble.

Ground her, mom.

Ground her. Ground her.

Anything else you want to tell me

while I'm knee-deep in this cheap chardonnay?

Ok. Remember this one weekend

when you and dad went to one of his furniture conventions?

Oh...

Oh, what? You two have some kind of wild party?

Yeah...

- In Chicago. - In Chicago.

Uh-oh. Now she's thinking now.

Will she yell at us

for something we did over 22 years ago,

or...

There you go.

Ok, mom.

You two are terrible.

Hey, I have one that's even better.

Ok.

Ok.

Remember my friend Jeanine?

You used to stay at her house till all hours.

Ok, well...

There was no Jeanine.

Jeanine was Dan!

Roseanne, I thought you were studying.

I always got good marks.

Yeah, mostly on your neck.

All right, it's my turn.

Remember the design school I applied to

that never answered back?

Well, I actually got in.

You were accepted?

Yeah. Only I threw the letter away

before you guys could see it.

You knew how much we wanted you to go there.

Well, I didn't.

Hey!

Remember when I told you guys

that Ringo actually called me up on the phone?

I guess now we see what happens

when we squander our opportunities.

Don't start, mom.

Maybe if you'd gone to design school

you'd have a career instead of...

Wasting my life

bouncing from one meaningless job to the next.

You guys, come on.

Let's grab a vegetable and start chopping.

No, she's going to tell me

everything I've ever done wrong in my life.

Come on. I know you're dying to.

I wish for once I didn't have to.

I'll make it easy for you...

I'm a screw-up.

Jackie, you're not a screw-up.

Mom, you tell her she's not a screw-up.

I'm out of here.

Jackie.

What is it with you?

Why can't you let her live her life?

Because she had potential.

She had a spark.

We just didn't want to see it wasted.

Your father and I said to each other,

"there's no limit to what Jackie can do."

You guys said that?

You said I got a spark?

Oh, yes.

Your father was convinced you'd be a lawyer

because you loved to argue.

Really?

Why do you think we worried so much?

We never worried about Roseanne.

We knew what she'd be.

Oh?

What?

Safe and comfortable and a good mommy,

just like you are now.

So what are you saying, mother?

You're saying that all I could ever be

is some ordinary housewife?

Roseanne, you have a nice house,

beautiful children...

A husband.

There's nothing wrong at all with being ordinary.

Hey, how's it going?

Run away. Run away.

So my mother's in there

doing these back flips over Jackie.

I'm the one that turned out ok.

Jackie's a screw-up.

Roll with it, honey.

Roll with it?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

I figured it was my turn to speak.

That's ok.

I finished watching the whole game.

This was just the overtime.

I'm really hurt here, you know?

I just can't believe

it was always, like,

Jackie could be this great astronaut

or the president,

and Roseanne...

Could be some great organ donor.

Dad?

Oh, sorry.

What is it, Darlene?

Actually, it was dad I wanted to talk to.

Well, there he is.

All right. Marcy just called

and invited me over for dinner.

No, you're here tonight.

I don't appreciate your going over my head.

If I say no, he says no. Right?

Yes.

No.

It's one night, Darlene. Ok?

One night out of your entire life,

and I think that you can...

Just roll with it.

That's sound advice, Darlene.

Now go on and get in there.

You come too, Dan. Come on.

We'll have a nice family dinner.

This is really good.

Oh, I don't know.

It seems ordinary to me.

I never learned how to cook.

You had other talents, dear.

Really? Like what?

Would you like some salt?

Roseanne, you know I'm not allowed salt.

Can I have more potatoes?

Here you are, dear.

Roseanne also keeps this house going

like a well-oiled machine.

How does she manage with her job and other stuff?

Like what stuff?

Like...

Like the, um...

PTA committee. How do they manage without her?

I quit that over two years ago, Jackie.

Obviously your work there was finished, honey.

And she sold over 50 tickets

to the Elks' glaucoma dance.

Which means I can dial a phone, huh?

And D.J. has scouts every Saturday,

which also means I had to master

the fine art of driving.

Boy, I'm just a regular renaissance woman, aren't I?

Becky, honey, tell me

about the boy you're dating.

All my friends think he's really cute.

Darlene, you're lucky Becky's so popular.

When you start dating

she can give you some pointers.

If she's so popular,

ask her which one of us got felt up.

Darlene, leave the table.

Yeah, I knew that would do it.

I have an idea... Let's skip dessert.

I'm full. Let's go.

No, no. Sit down.

Roseanne, how about

some of your fabulous Dutch apple pie?

You make that with cinnamon, right?

Nutmeg, mom.

1 1/4 teaspoons of nutmeg.

You know, speaking of pies,

one day when these two

were knee-high to a grasshopper,

I went out back to call them for supper.

Jackie was over by the fence

building a village out of those Legos.

Oh.

Oh, it was quite a project, believe me.

She had traffic lights and skyscrapers

and hospitals and...

We get the picture, mom.

Anyway, Roseanne was nowhere to be seen.

Well, I looked and looked

and finally found her

behind that big maple tree near the ditch.

There she sat in her white ruffled dress

completely covered with dirt and making mud pies.

So you see, Roseanne,

making pies must be in your blood.

Speaking of blood...

What time you shoving off tomorrow, Bev?

Grandma, I've got to go.

But we haven't talked.

Ok. What do you want to talk about?

Maybe she wants to talk about my mashed potatoes,

how creamy smooth they are. Maybe, huh?

Or maybe my biscuits. How light and airy,

the way they just fly across the room.

Or maybe she wants to talk about

the other 10 million ordinary things I do

in my ordinary life.

Excuse me.

Is she getting enough iron?

Hey, hey, what is your problem?

My problem is I've got no spark.

Oh, Roseanne.

I didn't have to end up ordinary

if she'd expected anything like she did you.

You missed out on the chance to be a neurotic mess.

It ain't right, Jackie.

She should've treated us the same.

You treat your kids the same?

Yeah, I do.

You don't think I do?

It's no big deal if she thought I had potential

because she'll always think I messed up my life.

She'll always think you're the best mud pie maker

in the whole world.

She decided that long ago.

It's not going to change.

That's the way mothers are.

Not this one.

I'm not going back down there, so forget it.

I made it through dinner. That was the deal.

I won't take any more "Becky beautiful" garbage.

You have more respect for your...

Forget it. You're right.

You're not mad about what I did at dinner?

I thought you were really out of line

till I started throwing biscuits.

You threw biscuits at Grandma?

No, I didn't want to hit D.J.

You know how soft his skull is.

I miss all the good stuff.

Hey, Darlene, do you think that I...

Encourage you, you know, to do stuff?

Well, I don't know.

What are you talking about?

Well...

Do you think that I...

expect more out of Becky

than I do out of you?

I don't know.

You expect Becky things out of Becky...

Like good grades.

I expect good grades out of you, too.

I just never get them.

I think we both know that I'm smarter,

just in a different way.

If you dropped me and Becky in the woods,

I'd make it home

and poor little Becky

would crawl into a hollow log and die.

That's why I had two daughters...

I always carry a spare.

You know, I'm sorry I said I hated Grandma.

I guess I love her,

but sometimes I don't like her.

Yeah, sometimes she makes it kind of tough.

But then there's these other times

where you just want to take her face in your hands

and twist it till her head pops off.

It's good I never feel that way about you.

Yeah, it's a real good thing.

You know, I got this theory...

Grandma was probably a better mom than her mom,

and you're definitely a better mom than Grandma was.

That's a good theory.

By the time I'm a mom, I'll be awesome

because I'll have learned from both your mistakes.

Whoa.

Heavy.

What do you bet Grandma's downstairs

making Becky look at her 400 pictures

she took on her trip to Arizona?

Becky will probably never get out of here.

Good.

I ought to head back to the snake pit.

Want to come along?

Will you be throwing any more biscuits?

Yeah, if I can get a clear shot.

Here's the world's largest reptile museum... Lizardland.

That's a lizard.

Here's a bigger lizard.

That's the owner of the museum.

A very nice young man.

We told him all about you, Jackie.

He might be calling you.

His name is fess.

Your dad playing stick-'em-up with a lizard.

Not as funny as the cactus, but you know your father.

You got his sense of humor.