Original subtitles

Mother, remember when you told D.J.

If he got the bathroom disgusting,

he'd have to clean it?

Yes. It's been spotless ever since.

That's because the slob's been using our bathroom.

Is that why I keep yanking

those huge wads of hair out of the drain?

One was in so deep,

I used your toothbrush to get it out.

Eeeww!

Hey, pig, quit washing your hair in our sink.

It's not my hair.

Then whose is it?

Don't worry. It's dead.

I'm moving.

Of all the people in the world

to have as a role model,

our kid picks Eddie Munster.

You thought having a son would be great.

Well, it would have.

I'm going down to the Lobo.

I'm meeting Davey.

We're going to work up a bid

for that Hanover development.

You won't be too late, right?

I don't know. Why?

Darlene, beat it.

Don't you remember what day it is?

It's Wednesday.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be back.

I'll be here...

With bells on.

Don't you want to know how many?

Surprise me.

Grrr!

Grrr!

Don't come back all bloated.

[Floorboard creaks]

[Creak]

[Creak]

[Sniffing]

Aha!

A hair that isn't his.

Oh, it's mine.

Whew!

[Toilet flushes]

Good.

Anyone seen dad this morning?

There's a note on the counter.

Hey!

Hey.

Geez.

Mom, is everything ok?

Yeah. There's more orange juice in the fridge.

Hey, ma, can I have 5 bucks

for no good reason?

It's in my purse.

Something's definitely wrong.

Yep. I should have gone for 10.

Hey, you got any detergent?

Yes, I have detergent.

I have no marriage.

Oh.

So where's the detergent?

Jackie, I'm serious.

What did Dan do now?

It's what he didn't do in the bedroom last night.

Well, one night.

Wednesday night. The night.

You're kidding. You guys have a night?

Yes, we have a night.

It's not only Wednesday,

but it's always Wednesday.

You got a time, too?

Yeah. 20 minutes or until he gets a cramp.

You should make him wait half an hour

after he eats.

This has been working for 17 years.

Last night, he comes crawling in

at 3:00 in the morning.

Today I get a note without saying he's sorry.

So he missed one Wednesday.

Two Wednesdays.

Ok, two Wednesdays.

Don't worry about it, Roseanne.

Around 14, you get numb.

Hey, I'm not talking about sexual frustration.

I am.

I think Dan's having an affair, Jackie.

Oh, come on. Dan?

Why, you think he's ugly?

You think he's stupid?

You don't think women want to sleep with him?

I think there's millions of women

who would sleep with Dan.

Who? Tell me!

You're really serious.

Of course. He comes in late,

he's totally preoccupied,

and then he's laying there in bed

making all these little happy noises.

If we're not having Wednesday,

what's he so happy about?

Just 'cause you guys aren't having Wednesday

doesn't mean that he's out...

Wednesday-ing somebody else.

Isn't this what a man does before he walks out?

What are you asking me for?

Ok, we'll go down the checklist.

What's the first thing he does

when he comes in?

He goes to the bathroom.

[Click click]

What was that?

Nothing. It was no-nothing.

That was a noise,

like a check mark kind of a noise.

I just meant

that if you want to be suspicious,

he could be washing up

so you don't smell any perfume.

I've been smelling Dan as often as I can.

And?

He smells like smoke.

[Click click]

He says he's going to the Lobo.

It smells like smoke down there.

[Click click]

He can have the kids,

but I'm keeping the house!

Now, come on, Roseanne.

This is Dan we're talking about.

You owe him a little trust.

Just give him another chance.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Ok.

What's the worst that can happen?

[Click click]

Mmm... Mmm...

Ooh...

Ooh, HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO.

Oh...

Dan!

Shh! It's my wife.

Wake up!

What?

What were you doing?

Sleeping.

With who?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Who is she, Dan?

Who's who?

Are you cheating on me?

Where'd you get that from?

From laying there watching you slobber over your pillow.

I wonder who you're slobbering all over.

Nobody.

Nobody? Then who is mmm... Mmm...?

All right, Roseanne.

I've been having a dream about...

You know, sex.

But I'm not cheating on you.

It's just a dream?

Yeah.

Are you dreaming about us?

Sure. Why not?

I don't believe you.

You come in late, crawl in my bed,

and dream about other women.

It's not lots of other women.

It's just one woman.

That did not help me.

The same woman every time?

At least I'm faithful.

Roseanne!

Roseanne, I'm dreaming, not cheating.

You're dreaming about cheating.

I can't help it.

Who is she, one of those women in your magazines?

You think I'd go for that?

It's a redhead at the hardware store in the mall.

Shut up, Dan!

Rosie...

I don't even know her.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about her.

I just am. I can't help it.

It's late. We're both tired.

Let's talk about this tomorrow.

Oh, you can't wait

to get back to sleep, can you?

Well, you're hitting the couch, buddy!

Roseanne.

And take your little tramp with you!

Aw, come on, Roseanne. It didn't mean anything.

What if I had dreams every night about the same guy

and we were going at it like sex maniacs?

I'd say take lots of naps.

You love the gutter, don't you?

No, Roseanne, Jackie's right.

I think it's just normal and healthy.

Why, I, too, have dreams of a carnal nature.

I'm not ashamed to say

that they are often volcanic in their intensity.

Are they about the same guy every time?

Usually.

Who?

Oh, never you mind.

Oh, come on. Who?

Pat Sajak.

Oh, my god!

And you will be surprised to know

that he's a very tender lover

with a virile and wiry little body.

We don't have the hours

to deal with your many problems, Crystal.

Can we just deal with my problems now?

So anyway, you're saying

that you never, ever have these dreams?

Yeah, but my dreams are always about Dan.

Oh, that's so romantic.

Of course he looks like Sean Connery, you know,

and he has that accent, but I know it's Dan.

You're such a hypocrite.

You can dream about Sean Connery,

but Dan can't dream about some cute little redhead?

I said it's not Sean Connery!

Hey, Roseanne, cup of coffee.

We're trying to have a private conversation here, Carl.

What did I say?

I said, "cup of coffee."

I got a mall to protect.

I'm not here to yak about bikini wax,

though I've given a few in my time.

One coffee to go!

Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Yes. That's my sister Jackie

and my girlfriend Crystal.

Crystal, Jackie, this is Carl.

He's a big loser.

Would you like cream, Carl?

Yes, thanks.

Hey, are you the sister who's a cop?

Yeah, but I'm off the force.

Got hurt in the line of duty.

Really? That's great.

God, I hope to get hurt someday.

You like guns? I got some beauties at home.

Maybe we can get together and kill something.

What?

What's good for you... Friday, Saturday?

Never.

Ok, good. We'll leave it open.

Well, see you, ladies.

Um, Carl.

Don't call him back here.

Yeah?

You say you know everyone in the mall.

It's my job, Roseanne.

Well, there's this woman...

I know her.

She works at Fillmore's hardware store,

a little redhead.

Roseanne, just let it drop.

I want to know what she's got that I ain't got.

Marge Dolman? What about her?

No way. No.

Ain't there somebody else that works there,

some cute little foxy thing?

Nope. She's it.

Damn.

She's cute!

Why is he dreaming about her?

She could be younger.

Yeah. Maybe that's it.

You think so?

Yeah. You're much older than she is.

You could be her mother.

I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Crystal.

Me, too.

Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?

No.

Ok. I get it.

I'm out of here.

Call me.

I'm going to go over and talk to her.

No, don't!

She's Dan's dream woman, Jackie.

I want to see what it is about her.

Hi. I'm your waitress Roseanne Conner,

Dan's wife and mother of his three children.

Can I order now?

Yeah.

I'll have a bacon, lettuce,

and tomato sandwich,

but not in that order.

Mayonnaise on the bread,

tomato,

then lettuce, then bacon.

Whole wheat toast, lightly toasted.

Wait. Put the Mayo on the side.

In fact, put everything on the side.

I'll put it together. You won't get it right.

Ok.

Well?

Well, she's not just cute.

She's got a great personality.

So, dad, rode the sofa again last night, eh?

Mm-hmm.

What's with you and mom?

You guys never sleep apart.

No problem. I just fell asleep watching TV.

Two nights in a row?

Shut up, Darlene.

Come on. We're not little kids.

If you and mom are having serious problems,

you owe us the truth.

And enough lead time

to let us decide who to live with.

[Doorbell chimes]

I'll get it. Ohh.

Uhh.

Hi, Danny.

What are you doing here?

I waited until your wife drove away.

I wanted to see where you lived.

Here it is.

Bye.

We don't need a new religion.

We already have one.

Mind if I use the phone?

Ooh! Is this your little boy?

Aren't you adorable?

Yep.

You must get all your good looks from yo' daddy.

She's just here to use the phone.

There it is.

Hurry.

Did you see that?

I can't believe it.

What?

Dad, she was flirting with you.

What are you talking about?

That religion lady was coming on to you.

You're crazy!

Dad, she winked at you.

"You must get all your good looks from yo' daddy"?

That doesn't mean anything.

♪ Dad's got a girlfriend ♪

Wait till mom finds out.

That's it. Everybody goes to school.

Is that lady my new mom?

Yeah.

Go on. Scram. Get a job.

How could you do this?

Oh, Danny, don't be mad.

This is my home, my family.

Oh, come on, Danny. I need you now.

I said no.

I am not asking, Danny.

I am taking.

Ooh!

Dan!

I knew it!

No, Roseanne. This is a mistake.

You bet it is!

No!

No, don't!

Don't shoot!

No! Don't shoot! No!

Dan,

you want to wake up the whole house?

Geez, that was a bad one.

What, you and Marge have a little tiff?

Who?

Your dream girl from the hardware store, Marge Dolman.

That's her name?

Marge Dolman?

Yeah. She came over to the restaurant today.

I thought she was cute,

but Jackie and Crystal

both thought you could do a lot better.

Great. You told Jackie and Crystal.

Well, I have to know.

I'm trying to figure out what you see in her.

Is she sexier than me?

No.

Does she make you laugh?

No laughs.

Is she better than me?

I'm thirsty. You thirsty?

Well, help me out, Dan.

Ok, if you were dreaming about somebody like,

oh, say, Kathleen Turner,

then I'd just go, "ok, he's a pig,"

but this woman...

I mean, I just don't get it.

I don't know. I hardly know her.

I want something at the hardware store,

she knows exactly where it is, what to charge me.

So when you leave,

you're getting exactly what you want?

I got to lay down for this.

Ok, doc, I hated my father,

and I wanted to marry my mother. Go.

What is it that she does in these dreams?

Stop it!

No, come on!

I want to know what she does

in the dreams that's so great

so I can, you know, do that.

It's personal.

I'm your wife. I wash your shorts.

You can tell me.

I can't.

Oh!

Well, would it help any if was to tell you

that I got some needs, too?

Like what?

I asked you first.

I asked you second.

You tell me.

All right.

All right. In the dream...

She treats me like I'm...

Some kind of irresistible sex toy.

Get out of here!

I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

That's what you like?

Go away!

No, Dan.

I mean, how come we can do it,

but we can't talk about it?

Maybe you think we're in some kind of a rut.

Maybe you want to try something new.

Well...

Maybe we could forget about Wednesdays

and try to be a little more, you know... Spontaneous.

Ok, fine.

Now, this is great.

See? We're talking. It's great.

What else?

That's it.

Uh, what does she do in the dream?

Roseanne, this is really tough for me.

I know, but it's healthy, honey.

Please?

Come on. Tell me.

Dream on!

Here!

Oh! He loves me. He loves me not.

One more, Roseanne.

He loves me.

Oh, lookee, lookee, lookee!

Oh, please, please, please.

Please, please, please, please.

Please, please, please, please.

Hi, Marge.

Oh, god.

I wanted to say thanks,

and I'll take it from here.

Ok.

What did you think I was going to say?

I don't know.

You're capable of doing anything at any time.

Yes. Crazy, impulsive, spontaneous...

Get in here.

Roseanne, we're in an elevator!

So? Hurry up.