Original subtitles

Today's the day.

24 hours of hell.

All right, I must clear my mind.

The bed is cold.

She probably has a good half hour on me.

Got to get out.

Got to stay out all day.

Minimize the damage.

Get far away from ground zero.

Getting too old for this.

The horror.

The horror.

Shh!

Shh!

Before Dan gets up,

let's go over the plans for his surprise party.

Crystal, what do you have to report?

I want to thank you for having me do decorations.

You're quite welcome.

And, in light of our $40 budget,

I have decided upon balloons and stupid hats.

Good choice.

And now can we hear from the cake committee?

Two "P"s in happy, right?

How are you going to get Dan down there, Roseanne?

I'll say, "it's all-you can-eat-night at the lodge.

You got to defend your crown."

So what should we do?

You help Crystal with decorations.

Darlene, I don't care if you want to go or not,

you're going.

I hate these parties.

No kid should have to watch their parents

do the hully-gully.

Not for the squeamish.

Good morning, dad.

Crystal, let's get out to those garage sales.

Yeah, you can always find a bargain.

Dad, where you going?

Fishing.

Today?

Goodbye.

It's November, dad.

The lake is frozen.

Then I'm bowling. See you tomorrow.

Dan, wait! Don't you want to be with your family?

Is this a trick question?

What about the Michigan/Illinois game, dad?

Don't you guys realize what today is?

Oh, Dan, I forgot.

It's Dan's birthday.

It is?

Happy birthday, Dan.

Forget my birthday.

Do I have to spell it out?

P-m-s.

Oh, my god!

Are you sure?

17 years, every 28 days.

Yes, I'm sure.

I don't know, Dan.

Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

When have you ever known Roseanne

to be perfectly pleasant?

I'm at the mall.

I got basketball practice.

Me, too.

No, no! Hold on!

It'll be a 24-hour roller coaster ride

with Sybil at the switch.

When my hormones act up,

I'm good for one solid day of pure mean.

Once I busted a street light

for every man who ever broke my heart.

Yeah, I remember the great blackout of '84.

Dan, wait. You can't leave.

If you don't let go,

I'm prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Dan! Dan!

Roseanne's got a big surprise party

planned for you down at the lodge.

There's going to be like 50 people there.

No, it can't be.

Now, Dan, don't worry.

Roseanne does not have PMS today.

Dan.

Do you think I'm pretty?

I'm out of here!

Ok. So far, so good.

Dan's out working in the garage,

out of the line of fire.

Dan!

Dan, you in there?

Yeah!

What are you doing?

Fixing this thing here. It's...

Hair.

Hair is different.

Do I like it?

What if she doesn't?

Got to say something before...

Don't you like my hair?

Too late.

I love it!

I can't believe it.

I do something to make myself

a little more attractive to you,

and you don't even notice.

I didn't do this for myself.

I can't even see the hair on my head.

God, you men!

You're taking me and the kids

to the lodge at 5:00, and that's it.

I don't care if it is your birthday.

Dan.

I love you.

5:00!

He doesn't suspect a thing.

I tricked him into going, but...

No, he just thinks

it's another normal birthday dinner.

Mom, you're ironing the towels?

I can't wait around for you to do it, can I?

Stay away from those towels!

I have to refold them!

Why don't you go put on your pretty pink dress

with the little flowers on it?

The pink dress? The one I had on first?

And tell your sister to hurry up.

This whole family would fall apart

if I wasn't here.

You're wearing that one?

No.

And hurry up!

I'm starving!

This whole surprise party thing

sure seemed a lot better last week.

Whose stupid idea was this, anyway?

I know it was.

Don't throw it in my face.

Don't patronize me, Crystal!

If you're going to have that kind of attitude,

don't come if you don't want to.

You want to, don't you?

It wouldn't be a party without you.

Wow.

Aah!

You know, Dan, I've been thinking.

Maybe I ought to take some night school classes

like creative writing, word processing,

or something like that.

Oh. Ok. I'm supposed to say something here.

Let's try...

Sounds good, honey.

Maybe I should really join an aerobics class

and try to get in shape.

I could do both, but I'd never be home.

What do you think?

Um...

Oh, you look like the perfect little gentleman.

Let's see your hands.

They're filthy. You wash them.

You ought to wash your hands, too, Dan.

Oh, this tie!

I've always loved this tie.

The green and stuff.

I'll change into my green dress so we'll match!

Stay away from those clean towels.

Dan?

Save yourself.

I kind of want to apologize to you

'cause, well, I'm sorry.

I know I've been a little excitable today.

Hadn't really noticed, honey.

Know what I asked Darlene to do?

Catalog all my coupons according to expiration date

and the four food groups.

Then I began this letter

to my third grade best friend.

I haven't had her address

for something like 20 years!

That's ok, honey.

You get whacked out every now and then.

What's your point, Dan?

I really don't have a point.

Say it because I know what you're thinking.

You think I have PMS.

No, I wasn't thinking that,

but I have been reading on it lately.

Do you know they have pills that supposedly help...

If you did have PMS.

A pill?

A pill!

You want me to take a pill?

Do they have a pill for you, Dan?

Oh!

We're going to be late

for Roseanne's surprise party.

It's my surprise party, Jackie,

and why didn't you stop her?

I hate surprise parties.

The only people having fun

are the people who were in on it.

You're in on it.

Can we go so we can get home?

Is she changing into another outfit?

Or another personality.

Let's just enjoy our one moment of peace.

Dan, get in here!

I love you, daddy.

You're going in.

Could be a suicide mission.

Stay low.

Stay low.

Don't worry. You'll get through this.

Somewhere your real wife waits for you.

[Door opens]

Come here, you big sexy man.

That's not her.

Of course you don't have to tell your real wife.

We're out of here.

Jeez, what were you guys doing in there?

Never mind. Let's go.

Honey, come on.

We're almost going to be real late.

I'm not going.

Ok, ok, look, we've been through this before.

We know she's got 100 different personalities.

We've seen them all.

How can I go when we're destroying the ozone layer?

101.

Kids, I want you to remember this.

PMS is serious stuff.

It causes depression, anxiety, physical pain.

And it's rough on your mother, too.

Listen, everybody,

I'm going to check if our table's ready.

You wait for me.

Hey, now, nobody eats the food, got it?

Now, get around the door here

and be really, really quiet.

Then when Dan comes in, just yell surprise.

You know how, right?

Our table's ready.

- Surprise! - Surprise!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's a jolly good fellow... ♪

Come on. I'm starving. Let's eat.

Isn't this great, Dan?

All your friends came.

It's great, Roseanne.

How did you do this without me knowing?

You really were surprised, weren't you?

Are you kidding? When I...

You know, Dan, we should have a song, shouldn't we?

Then, whenever we hear it, we'd go, that's our song.

Did I invite you?

Eddie, Eddie, hi. How you doing?

Oh, ok. You're all right then.

Roseanne, I love your hair.

See, Dan.

So, what do you think, Roseanne?

About what?

The decorations.

I planned this very carefully.

I bet you didn't realize

there are exactly 40 balloons here.

40?

Dan is 39, Crystal.

[Pop]

Well, I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I got him one to grow on.

You needn't apologize to me.

Apologize to Dan for ruining his party!

[Bad, bad Leroy Brown plays]

There he goes.

Hey, this ought to be our song.

Play it again.

I'm pooped.

I'm sitting.

You're no fun.

Come dance with me, sis.

Nah...

Please?

Don't you think the party's going real good?

The party's going great.

Dan's having a good time, don't you think?

Are you kidding?

What we have to remember is,

she's a wonderful woman

when her estrogen isn't whipping her

into a psychotic frenzy.

Yeah.

Like when I sprained my ankle, she was there.

And when I got ditched at the dance.

And when your parents separated, Dan.

She was there.

Let's face it... She's bad luck.

Let's go see if mom

left any chocolate on the dessert table.

Need anything, Dan?

Menopause.

And there's some damn good-looking guys here tonight.

Ah, get off.

It's been almost a month since Gary dumped you.

Uh, I dumped Gary.

Yeah. Now here you are at some crummy party

dancing with your sister.

It breaks my heart to see you like this.

I'm fine!

You don't have to yell.

I'm the one person that loves you most.

Roseanne!

If you weren't my sister,

I just don't know who would be.

Having fun?

Yeah.

You're probably wondering where Nancy is.

Who's Nancy?

We had a fight.

She said she paid for everything.

She kicked me out.

I'm living in my car.

Actually, it's her car.

I guess poker night at your place is out.

Why?

Singing telegram for Dan Conner!

What's that?

Me and the guys got together

to say happy birthday.

Well, hello there, birthday boy.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

[Music plays]

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah!

[Music stops]

Out!

Well, uh...

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

You are the reason

why there will never be a woman president!

Whose idea was this?

I might have known.

Rosie.

I blame you for it, Dan.

I might have expected it from your slimy friends,

but not from the father of my children.

I'm sorry, dear.

As if that makes everything ok.

That poor woman was only trying to do her job

and has been made to feel like dirt.

I have to go comfort her, thanks to you!

Mental note...

Kill Arnie.

Dan.

Dan.

Oh, Dan, Dan!

She's making people do the limbo!

You're kidding.

No.

Oh, my god.

It's your shift.

It's my birthday.

There are no birthdays in hell.

Go before somebody's hurt.

Give me a minute.

I just realized I'm 39 years old.

39. Next year, I'll be 40.

40. That's almost middle-aged.

What have I done with my life?

Oh, cut the introspective crap and get in there!

Why do I have to put up with this every month?

So she's got hormones.

Why should she just get away with it?

When is it my turn?

When will everybody tiptoe around me?

When do I get PMS?

Better now?

Yeah, I'm good.

Come on. We're just about ready

to open the presents.

Presents.

That... that's almost the end, right?

No.

[Sob]

Cake.

Come on, everybody. Gather around.

Dan's going to open his presents now. Come on.

Look, everybody!

Aw. Aw.

It's a little clown.

D.J. Made it himself.

It's a macaroni thing.

Oh, look, honey.

He even spelled out "dad"

using little, tiny spaghetti-Os.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, and you said he had no talent.

Let's see what's inside this one, huh?

Hang in there, champ.

Only a couple more rounds to go. You're doing fine.

Can I have your attention?

I'd like to propose a toast to my husband,

so everybody hold up your glasses.

Higher.

For you, Dan Conner,

my husband, my best friend,

the father of these children.

You...

Are the ink in my pen.

You... are the paper on which I write.

We've been married for 17 years.

We've had many wonderful times.

We've had many, many bad times.

Happy birthday, honey.

Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

Like when we sawOl' Yeller and you cried.

You made me promise I'd never tell anybody,

and I never have, and I never will.

Thank you, dear.

So here's to you, Dan Conner,

my husband, my soul mate,

my friend, my rock...

God, please let this be over.

A big rock on my couch

that does nothing but watch TV.

That's it.

God's a woman.

Occasionally, it'll ask for a beer,

and I have to get it

because it's just a rock.

A rock can't roll over to the refrigerator,

so I have to get the beer for it.

Yeah, a big TV-watching, beer-drinking rock...

But he's my rock, and I must live with it.

So happy birthday, Dan!

Happy birthday, Dan!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday, dear Dan ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

Make a wish, Dan.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Dan!

Happy birthday. All right.

Yes!

I got my wish!

[Groan]

Happy birthday, Dan.

My birthday was yesterday, Roseanne.

I know, but we forgot

to do your traditional birthday breakfast.

What's it going to be,

pancakes, waffles, an omelet?

Nothing's too good for my man.

I think I'll just go to the bedroom,

read the paper, not talk to a soul.

Is that ok with you, Roseanne?

God, he gets so damn moody.

Happens every month, too.

Hmpfh, men!