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1
00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:19,317
Today's the day.
2
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:20,451
24 hours of hell.
3
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:25,924
All right, I must clear my mind.
4
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:30,795
The bed is cold.
5
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:35,466
She probably has
a good half hour on me.
6
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,069
Got to get out.
7
00:00:38,104 --> 00:00:40,638
Got to stay out all day.
8
00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:41,840
Minimize the damage.
9
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,542
Get far away from ground zero.
10
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:48,413
Getting too old for this.
11
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,685
The horror.
12
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,187
The horror.
13
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,723
Shh!
14
00:00:58,759 --> 00:00:59,424
Shh!
15
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:00,459
Before Dan gets up,
16
00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:04,095
let's go over the plans
for his surprise party.
17
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,998
Crystal, what do you
have to report?
18
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:10,935
I want to thank you for
having me do decorations.
19
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,137
You're quite welcome.
20
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,872
And, in light of our $40 budget,
21
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:18,543
I have decided upon
balloons and stupid hats.
22
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,578
Good choice.
23
00:01:19,612 --> 00:01:23,615
And now can we hear
from the cake committee?
24
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,117
Two "P"s in happy, right?
25
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:29,955
How are you going to get
Dan down there, Roseanne?
26
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:34,826
I'll say, "it's all-you
can-eat-night at the lodge.
27
00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:37,328
You got to
defend your crown."
28
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,063
So what should we do?
29
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,765
You help Crystal
with decorations.
30
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,370
Darlene, I don't care if
you want to go or not,
31
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:46,437
you're going.
32
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:47,438
I hate these parties.
33
00:01:47,473 --> 00:01:50,909
No kid should have to
watch their parents
34
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,344
do the hully-gully.
35
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:54,012
Not for the squeamish.
36
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:55,080
Good morning, dad.
37
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,216
Crystal, let's get out
to those garage sales.
38
00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,452
Yeah, you can always
find a bargain.
39
00:02:01,487 --> 00:02:02,787
Dad, where you going?
40
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,021
Fishing.
41
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,323
Today?
42
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,191
Goodbye.
43
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,692
It's November, dad.
44
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,860
The lake is frozen.
45
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,195
Then I'm bowling.
See you tomorrow.
46
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:15,700
Dan, wait! Don't you want
to be with your family?
47
00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:17,068
Is this a trick question?
48
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:21,306
What about the
Michigan/Illinois game, dad?
49
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:25,777
Don't you guys realize
what today is?
50
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:30,047
Oh, Dan, I forgot.
51
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,782
It's Dan's birthday.
52
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:32,784
It is?
53
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,052
Happy birthday, Dan.
54
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,453
Forget my birthday.
55
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,289
Do I have to spell it out?
56
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:41,092
P-m-s.
57
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,929
Oh, my god!
58
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:00,505
Are you sure?
59
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,008
17 years, every 28 days.
60
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,876
Yes, I'm sure.
61
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:05,676
I don't know, Dan.
62
00:04:05,711 --> 00:04:07,712
Roseanne seems perfectly
pleasant today.
63
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,348
When have you
ever known Roseanne
64
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,083
to be perfectly pleasant?
65
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,351
I'm at the mall.
66
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,186
I got basketball practice.
67
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:16,421
Me, too.
68
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:17,322
No, no! Hold on!
69
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:20,091
It'll be a 24-hour
roller coaster ride
70
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:22,627
with Sybil at the switch.
71
00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:24,362
When my hormones act up,
72
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:28,065
I'm good for one
solid day of pure mean.
73
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,301
Once I busted a street light
74
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,304
for every man who
ever broke my heart.
75
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:36,574
Yeah, I remember
the great blackout of '84.
76
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:38,743
Dan, wait.
You can't leave.
77
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,411
If you don't let go,
78
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:43,915
I'm prepared to gnaw
my own arm off.
79
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:44,815
Dan! Dan!
80
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:47,251
Roseanne's got
a big surprise party
81
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:49,687
planned for you
down at the lodge.
82
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:53,057
There's going to be
like 50 people there.
83
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:54,358
No, it can't be.
84
00:04:54,393 --> 00:04:55,560
Now, Dan, don't worry.
85
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:59,931
Roseanne does not have
PMS today.
86
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:01,399
Dan.
87
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:09,073
Do you think I'm pretty?
88
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:14,178
I'm out of here!
89
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,764
Ok. So far, so good.
90
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,601
Dan's out working in the garage,
91
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:39,637
out of the line of fire.
92
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,105
Dan!
93
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,376
Dan, you in there?
94
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:45,577
Yeah!
95
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:46,644
What are you doing?
96
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,480
Fixing this thing here.
It's...
97
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:50,381
Hair.
98
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:51,849
Hair is different.
99
00:05:51,884 --> 00:05:53,184
Do I like it?
100
00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,352
What if she doesn't?
101
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:56,020
Got to say something before...
102
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,888
Don't you like my hair?
103
00:05:57,924 --> 00:05:58,956
Too late.
104
00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:00,958
I love it!
105
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,793
I can't believe it.
106
00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:05,229
I do something to make myself
107
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,498
a little more attractive to you,
108
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,600
and you don't even notice.
109
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,535
I didn't do this for myself.
110
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:15,606
I can't even see
the hair on my head.
111
00:06:15,641 --> 00:06:18,276
God, you men!
112
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:20,845
You're taking me and the kids
113
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,848
to the lodge at 5:00,
and that's it.
114
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:27,918
I don't care if it is
your birthday.
115
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,323
Dan.
116
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,060
I love you.
117
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,600
5:00!
118
00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:48,272
He doesn't suspect a thing.
119
00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:51,075
I tricked him into going, but...
120
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:52,209
No, he just thinks
121
00:06:52,244 --> 00:06:55,279
it's another normal
birthday dinner.
122
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,184
Mom, you're ironing the towels?
123
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:05,790
I can't wait around for
you to do it, can I?
124
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,892
Stay away from those towels!
125
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,426
I have to refold them!
126
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:13,764
Why don't you go put on
your pretty pink dress
127
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,534
with the little flowers on it?
128
00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:20,238
The pink dress? The
one I had on first?
129
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,207
And tell your sister
to hurry up.
130
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,043
This whole family
would fall apart
131
00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,378
if I wasn't here.
132
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:29,280
You're wearing that one?
133
00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:30,748
No.
134
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:33,951
And hurry up!
135
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:36,487
I'm starving!
136
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,856
This whole surprise party thing
137
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:41,859
sure seemed a lot
better last week.
138
00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:44,795
Whose stupid idea
was this, anyway?
139
00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:46,029
I know it was.
140
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:48,499
Don't throw it in my face.
141
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:49,700
Don't patronize me, Crystal!
142
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:52,936
If you're going to have
that kind of attitude,
143
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,606
don't come if you don't want to.
144
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,907
You want to, don't you?
145
00:07:56,942 --> 00:08:00,912
It wouldn't be a party
without you.
146
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:05,383
Wow.
147
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,554
Aah!
148
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,623
You know, Dan,
I've been thinking.
149
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:15,759
Maybe I ought to take
some night school classes
150
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,928
like creative writing,
word processing,
151
00:08:17,964 --> 00:08:19,029
or something like that.
152
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:22,566
Oh. Ok. I'm supposed
to say something here.
153
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:23,500
Let's try...
154
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,635
Sounds good, honey.
155
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:28,039
Maybe I should really
join an aerobics class
156
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,907
and try to get in shape.
157
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:33,811
I could do both,
but I'd never be home.
158
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,512
What do you think?
159
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,513
Um...
160
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:40,484
Oh, you look like the
perfect little gentleman.
161
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,787
Let's see your hands.
162
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,622
They're filthy.
You wash them.
163
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:48,125
You ought to wash
your hands, too, Dan.
164
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,594
Oh, this tie!
165
00:08:50,629 --> 00:08:52,796
I've always loved this tie.
166
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:53,832
The green and stuff.
167
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:58,536
I'll change into my green
dress so we'll match!
168
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,775
Stay away from those
clean towels.
169
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:11,649
Dan?
170
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,484
Save yourself.
171
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,422
I kind of want to
apologize to you
172
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:18,589
'cause, well, I'm sorry.
173
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:22,026
I know I've been a
little excitable today.
174
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,196
Hadn't really noticed, honey.
175
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,431
Know what I asked Darlene to do?
176
00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:30,935
Catalog all my coupons
according to expiration date
177
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:33,037
and the four food groups.
178
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:34,839
Then I began this letter
179
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:37,408
to my third grade best friend.
180
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,377
I haven't had her address
181
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,479
for something like 20 years!
182
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,214
That's ok, honey.
183
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,484
You get whacked out
every now and then.
184
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:48,886
What's your point, Dan?
185
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,856
I really don't have a point.
186
00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:55,326
Say it because I know
what you're thinking.
187
00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:56,727
You think I have PMS.
188
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,529
No, I wasn't thinking that,
189
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:01,165
but I have been
reading on it lately.
190
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,036
Do you know they have pills
that supposedly help...
191
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,905
If you did have PMS.
192
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:12,109
A pill?
193
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:12,777
A pill!
194
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,779
You want me to take a pill?
195
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:18,015
Do they have
a pill for you, Dan?
196
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,517
Oh!
197
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:22,320
We're going to be late
198
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,988
for Roseanne's surprise party.
199
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,023
It's my surprise party, Jackie,
200
00:10:26,058 --> 00:10:28,659
and why didn't you stop her?
201
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,060
I hate surprise parties.
202
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,962
The only people having fun
203
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:35,899
are the people
who were in on it.
204
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,169
You're in on it.
205
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,739
Can we go so we can get home?
206
00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:44,509
Is she changing
into another outfit?
207
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:47,645
Or another personality.
208
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,815
Let's just enjoy
our one moment of peace.
209
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:55,319
Dan, get in here!
210
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:10,034
I love you, daddy.
211
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,712
You're going in.
212
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:24,481
Could be a suicide mission.
213
00:11:24,516 --> 00:11:26,650
Stay low.
214
00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:28,552
Stay low.
215
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:32,056
Don't worry.
You'll get through this.
216
00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:36,827
Somewhere your real wife
waits for you.
217
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,796
[Door opens]
218
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:43,367
Come here, you big sexy man.
219
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:45,669
That's not her.
220
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:50,741
Of course you don't have
to tell your real wife.
221
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:58,650
We're out of here.
222
00:11:58,684 --> 00:12:02,352
Jeez, what were you guys
doing in there?
223
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,421
Never mind.
Let's go.
224
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,556
Honey, come on.
225
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:08,960
We're almost going
to be real late.
226
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,062
I'm not going.
227
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:15,099
Ok, ok, look, we've been
through this before.
228
00:12:15,134 --> 00:12:18,669
We know she's got 100
different personalities.
229
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:20,004
We've seen them all.
230
00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:26,543
How can I go when we're
destroying the ozone layer?
231
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:33,884
101.
232
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,020
Kids, I want you
to remember this.
233
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,056
PMS is serious stuff.
234
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:42,426
It causes depression,
anxiety, physical pain.
235
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:46,464
And it's rough
on your mother, too.
236
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,435
Listen, everybody,
237
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,605
I'm going to check
if our table's ready.
238
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,773
You wait for me.
239
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:02,412
Hey, now, nobody eats
the food, got it?
240
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,115
Now, get around the door here
241
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,750
and be really, really quiet.
242
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:10,054
Then when Dan comes in,
just yell surprise.
243
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:12,623
You know how, right?
244
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,560
Our table's ready.
245
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,131
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
246
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:22,333
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
247
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,268
♪ for he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
248
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:27,304
♪ for he's
a jolly good fellow... ♪
249
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:30,907
Come on. I'm starving.
Let's eat.
250
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,710
Isn't this great, Dan?
251
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,246
All your friends came.
252
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:36,447
It's great, Roseanne.
253
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,416
How did you do this
without me knowing?
254
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:42,219
You really were
surprised, weren't you?
255
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,387
Are you kidding?
When I...
256
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:47,224
You know, Dan, we should
have a song, shouldn't we?
257
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:51,562
Then, whenever we hear it,
we'd go, that's our song.
258
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:52,929
Did I invite you?
259
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:55,466
Eddie, Eddie, hi.
How you doing?
260
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,469
Oh, ok. You're
all right then.
261
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,739
Roseanne, I love your hair.
262
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,107
See, Dan.
263
00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:06,176
So, what do you think, Roseanne?
264
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:07,277
About what?
265
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,479
The decorations.
266
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,647
I planned this very carefully.
267
00:14:10,682 --> 00:14:12,216
I bet you didn't realize
268
00:14:12,251 --> 00:14:15,785
there are exactly
40 balloons here.
269
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:18,788
40?
270
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:21,691
Dan is 39, Crystal.
271
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,060
[Pop]
272
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,499
Well, I'm sorry, Roseanne.
273
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,669
I got him one to grow on.
274
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,470
You needn't apologize to me.
275
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:37,574
Apologize to Dan
for ruining his party!
276
00:14:38,977 --> 00:14:42,780
[Bad, bad Leroy Brown plays]
277
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,915
There he goes.
278
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,952
Hey, this ought to be our song.
279
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:49,320
Play it again.
280
00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:50,454
I'm pooped.
281
00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:51,622
I'm sitting.
282
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:52,890
You're no fun.
283
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,092
Come dance with me, sis.
284
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,193
Nah...
285
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,727
Please?
286
00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:02,733
Don't you think the
party's going real good?
287
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:03,901
The party's going great.
288
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:07,438
Dan's having a good
time, don't you think?
289
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,573
Are you kidding?
290
00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:11,976
What we have to remember is,
291
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:13,210
she's a wonderful woman
292
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,913
when her estrogen
isn't whipping her
293
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,950
into a psychotic frenzy.
294
00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:19,917
Yeah.
295
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:23,020
Like when I sprained my
ankle, she was there.
296
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,789
And when I got ditched
at the dance.
297
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,759
And when your parents
separated, Dan.
298
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,061
She was there.
299
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:33,564
Let's face it...
She's bad luck.
300
00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:37,935
Let's go see if mom
301
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:41,839
left any chocolate
on the dessert table.
302
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,175
Need anything, Dan?
303
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,043
Menopause.
304
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:50,347
And there's some damn
good-looking guys here tonight.
305
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:51,315
Ah, get off.
306
00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:55,152
It's been almost a month
since Gary dumped you.
307
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,787
Uh, I dumped Gary.
308
00:15:56,822 --> 00:16:00,524
Yeah. Now here you are
at some crummy party
309
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:01,758
dancing with your sister.
310
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,963
It breaks my heart
to see you like this.
311
00:16:05,998 --> 00:16:07,531
I'm fine!
312
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:08,665
You don't have to yell.
313
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:12,203
I'm the one person
that loves you most.
314
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:12,903
Roseanne!
315
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:14,771
If you weren't my sister,
316
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,775
I just don't know who would be.
317
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:20,544
Having fun?
318
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:21,445
Yeah.
319
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,014
You're probably wondering
where Nancy is.
320
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:24,948
Who's Nancy?
321
00:16:24,983 --> 00:16:26,083
We had a fight.
322
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,919
She said she paid
for everything.
323
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:30,354
She kicked me out.
324
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:32,256
I'm living in my car.
325
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,457
Actually, it's her car.
326
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:37,595
I guess poker night
at your place is out.
327
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:38,529
Why?
328
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,364
Singing telegram for Dan Conner!
329
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:41,097
What's that?
330
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,466
Me and the guys got together
331
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:44,868
to say happy birthday.
332
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:47,637
Well, hello there, birthday boy.
333
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:48,773
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
334
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:49,974
[Music plays]
335
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,442
Whoo!
Whoo!
336
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,643
Whoo!
Whoo!
337
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,146
Yeah!
338
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,614
[Music stops]
339
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,682
Out!
340
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,417
Well, uh...
341
00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:03,453
Out! Out! Out!
Out! Out! Out!
342
00:17:03,488 --> 00:17:04,421
You are the reason
343
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:08,658
why there will never
be a woman president!
344
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:16,066
Whose idea was this?
345
00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:20,270
I might have known.
346
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:20,904
Rosie.
347
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:23,007
I blame you for it, Dan.
348
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:26,543
I might have expected it
from your slimy friends,
349
00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:30,014
but not from the father
of my children.
350
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,315
I'm sorry, dear.
351
00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,484
As if that makes everything ok.
352
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:37,721
That poor woman was only
trying to do her job
353
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:40,657
and has been made
to feel like dirt.
354
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:44,794
I have to go comfort her,
thanks to you!
355
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,633
Mental note...
356
00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:51,801
Kill Arnie.
357
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,347
Dan.
358
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:04,348
Dan.
359
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:05,949
Oh, Dan, Dan!
360
00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:09,620
She's making people
do the limbo!
361
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:10,920
You're kidding.
362
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:12,489
No.
363
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:15,091
Oh, my god.
364
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,560
It's your shift.
365
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:17,794
It's my birthday.
366
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:20,364
There are no birthdays in hell.
367
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,199
Go before somebody's hurt.
368
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:23,266
Give me a minute.
369
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:26,369
I just realized
I'm 39 years old.
370
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:28,806
39. Next year,
I'll be 40.
371
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,808
40. That's almost
middle-aged.
372
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,510
What have I done with my life?
373
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:37,681
Oh, cut the introspective
crap and get in there!
374
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:42,153
Why do I have to put up
with this every month?
375
00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:43,354
So she's got hormones.
376
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:46,924
Why should she
just get away with it?
377
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,292
When is it my turn?
378
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:51,195
When will everybody
tiptoe around me?
379
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,297
When do I get PMS?
380
00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:54,665
Better now?
381
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,199
Yeah, I'm good.
382
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:58,835
Come on. We're
just about ready
383
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,171
to open the presents.
384
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:02,606
Presents.
385
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,675
That... that's almost
the end, right?
386
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,076
No.
387
00:19:07,112 --> 00:19:08,145
[Sob]
388
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:09,412
Cake.
389
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:11,081
Come on, everybody.
Gather around.
390
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:15,285
Dan's going to open
his presents now. Come on.
391
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:17,221
Look, everybody!
392
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:18,256
Aw.
Aw.
393
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,990
It's a little clown.
394
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:22,859
D.J. Made it himself.
395
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,430
It's a macaroni thing.
396
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:27,697
Oh, look, honey.
397
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:29,600
He even spelled out "dad"
398
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:32,503
using little,
tiny spaghetti-Os.
399
00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:33,570
Oh.
Oh.
400
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,507
Oh, and you said
he had no talent.
401
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:40,611
Let's see what's
inside this one, huh?
402
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:42,646
Hang in there, champ.
403
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:47,050
Only a couple more rounds to go.
You're doing fine.
404
00:19:47,085 --> 00:19:48,686
Can I have your attention?
405
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:52,322
I'd like to propose
a toast to my husband,
406
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:55,525
so everybody
hold up your glasses.
407
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,960
Higher.
408
00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:02,366
For you, Dan Conner,
409
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:05,202
my husband, my best friend,
410
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:08,138
the father of these children.
411
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,141
You...
412
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:14,711
Are the ink in my pen.
413
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:19,583
You... are the paper
on which I write.
414
00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:22,986
We've been married for 17 years.
415
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:26,489
We've had many wonderful times.
416
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:30,160
We've had many, many bad times.
417
00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:31,795
Happy birthday, honey.
418
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,296
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
419
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:37,001
Like when we sawOl'
Yeller and you cried.
420
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:40,204
You made me promise I'd
never tell anybody,
421
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:44,274
and I never have,
and I never will.
422
00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:49,613
Thank you, dear.
423
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:52,549
So here's to you, Dan Conner,
424
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,551
my husband, my soul mate,
425
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,852
my friend, my rock...
426
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:58,421
God, please let this be over.
427
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:00,623
A big rock on my couch
428
00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:03,794
that does nothing but watch TV.
429
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:04,728
That's it.
430
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,096
God's a woman.
431
00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:08,865
Occasionally,
it'll ask for a beer,
432
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,701
and I have to get it
433
00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:12,436
because it's just a rock.
434
00:21:12,471 --> 00:21:15,605
A rock can't roll over
to the refrigerator,
435
00:21:15,641 --> 00:21:18,375
so I have to
get the beer for it.
436
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:23,814
Yeah, a big TV-watching,
beer-drinking rock...
437
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:29,085
But he's my rock,
and I must live with it.
438
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:35,091
So happy birthday, Dan!
439
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:36,393
Happy birthday, Dan!
440
00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:38,962
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
441
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:41,898
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
442
00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:45,936
♪ happy birthday,
dear Dan ♪
443
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:50,908
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
444
00:21:50,943 --> 00:21:53,476
Make a wish, Dan.
445
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,446
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
446
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:57,714
All right, Dan!
447
00:21:57,750 --> 00:22:00,517
Happy birthday.
All right.
448
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:02,352
Yes!
449
00:22:02,388 --> 00:22:04,921
I got my wish!
450
00:22:12,865 --> 00:22:13,763
[Groan]
451
00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:14,932
Happy birthday, Dan.
452
00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:17,234
My birthday was
yesterday, Roseanne.
453
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:18,836
I know, but we forgot
454
00:22:18,871 --> 00:22:21,739
to do your traditional
birthday breakfast.
455
00:22:21,774 --> 00:22:23,073
What's it going to be,
456
00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:24,474
pancakes, waffles, an omelet?
457
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:26,877
Nothing's too good for my man.
458
00:22:26,912 --> 00:22:29,880
I think I'll just
go to the bedroom,
459
00:22:29,915 --> 00:22:32,983
read the paper,
not talk to a soul.
460
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:35,352
Is that ok with you, Roseanne?
461
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:38,188
God, he gets so damn moody.
462
00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:40,257
Happens every month, too.
463
00:22:40,292 --> 00:22:42,525
Hmpfh, men!
30556
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