Original subtitles

Uhh. Ow.

Uhh, not now, Dan.

Ok, but hurry up.

This mattress is killing me.

I've got a spring right in my back.

So move.

I tried that.

Try again.

Switch sides with me, Roseanne.

No.

Come on. I got to get some sleep.

I can't sleep with your hot nostril air

blowing all over me.

Well, turn over.

No. You.

Fine.

Ohh.

What?

I'm still not happy.

Come on.

Help me flip the mattress over.

Ok.

Come on, Roseanne. You got to get up.

You didn't tell me that was part of it.

Ohh.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Ow!

We need to get a new bed.

You mean a brand new bed?

No. One some old person died in.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Ohh.

Dan...

Now you're all comfy

'cause I got the spring on my side now.

All right, but hurry up.

Ahem.

Ahem.

[Coughs]

[Coughs]

Stop it.

Stop it.

- I mean it. - I mean it.

- Cut it out. - Cut it out.

- Dad. - Dad.

Huh?

- It's D.J. - It's D.J.

- I'll kill him. - I'll kill him.

What's he doing?

- Mom. - Mom.

Darlene's saying everything D.J. says

a second before he says it.

God, that's so immature.

He's driving me crazy.

Crazy.

Something might happen to him.

Happen to him.

Darlene, ever try banging your head

hard against the table?

Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- You're dead. - You're dead.

Whoo.

How's it going?

Whoo. How's it going?

Funny you should ask.

You know what, Rodbell's is having a sale on beds.

40% off, and that, coupled with my 20% employee discount,

I think somebody's trying to tell us something.

Roseanne...

I been thinking.

What if my manly abilities aren't really mine?

What if it's the mattress?

I thought it was the mattress.

What if I can't wow you in a new bed?

You didn't have no trouble

when we brought home that new kitchen table.

True.

If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well

in the toilet.

See, Dan? D.J. Is small for his age.

See ya.

Whoa. Where you going?

I told you, mom.

Mark Healy and I are going to a party.

Healy?

Healy?

Healy?

Healy?

Do we know any Healys?

Hmm. Does his father bowl?

Oh, god.

Not a league man, eh?

Perhaps we've run into them while dining at Spaghetti Bucket.

I don't recall, lovey.

Maybe they're not the all-you-can-eat type.

Oh, god, Dan.

You don't think they're nouveau poor.

[Horn honks]

Please let me go.

It's your first date. We got to meet him.

Can't you meet him later? We're in a hurry.

You know the rules.

He's waiting. He'll think I'm ditching him.

Let him come up and find out.

[Knock on door]

Got it.

No, Darlene, no.

We'll embarrass your sister

in an orderly fashion.

God, I hate this family.

What's going on? I've been honking for an hour.

Sorry. My parents want to meet you.

Oh, man.

Mom, dad, this is Mark.

Mark, these are my parents.

Hi, Dan Conner, my wife Roseanne,

and the lovely Darlene.

Ok. Let's go.

Mark, that's not the way we do things.

So let's sit down on the Davenport

and get to know each other better.

Huh, honey?

So, uh... Mark...

Uh... What grade you in?

12th.

Ah, great.

Um...

You play football?

Nope.

Oh, too bad.

They really got a great team this year.

I guess, yeah.

I heard your horn out there, uh...

What kind of car do you drive?

It's not a car, Dan. It's a truck.

Aha.

Rosie?

Well, Mark, uh...

[Clicking tongue]

Got anything you want to ask us?

Look, mom, we really got to go.

Well, it's been fun.

Don't be too late.

Mark, 2 plus 2?

What?

I thought so.

Night, Beck. Have a good time.

Oh, I hate him.

This feels real good.

How much is it?

400...

Too firm. Way too firm.

Hey, look, Dan. A water bed.

Oh, how seventies.

This is as close to a pool as we'll ever get.

Belly flop!

Wah!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah. How about a couple of margaritas?

No salt.

We're just looking.

I'll be over there.

Honey, get me up.

Oopsy-daisy.

Ahh.

Look. A bed like my mom wanted us to get.

Oh, look at this.

That's twice as big as the one we got.

Let's pretend we're rich,

and we actually have a room

big enough for this bed to fit in.

And we're waking up

to the smell of fresh coffee and croissants

that our sexy French maid...

Ho ho ho ho.

Pierre has made for us.

Hey, Dan.

You remember the first time you said you loved me

on our old bed?

No.

Neither do I.

But I know I did.

And I still do.

Boy, are you whipped.

Should I get the hose?

No, but you can dim the lights.

We're reminiscing.

What a nice word for it.

I see you've decided on a king-size.

No. We'll take that double.

And for the lady?

I'll just, uh, go write it up then.

Way to defend my honor there, Dan.

It was a shot at me, dear.

Oh.

Good one.

Thank you, Timmy.

A toast.

A toast.

To our old bed.

Ok. Well...

What was once the cradle of our love

is now landfill.

That was beautiful.

Who snaked my beer?

Give me that.

Hey. Hey.

Isn't that Becky's boyfriend?

What the hell's he doing in here?

He's drinking.

Where are you going?

To say hello.

No. You'll get mad and try to punch him.

Wait. Just hold on.

Uh, hey.

Remember us?

Oh, yeah.

Fine. And you?

I'm cool.

Why are you in here?

We're going to have another one of your little chats?

Chat this!

Honey.

Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey.

Uh, we were, uh, just wondering

how did you get in here?

Through the door.

No. I mean, uh, you're only 18, right?

I got a piece of paper that says I'm 21.

How old are you when you're dating Becky?

Depends on where we're going.

I'll ask you again,

and remember you're talking to the girl's father.

You're not going to touch me.

Touch him, Dan. Touch him.

Rosey.

All right, Mark. Here's the deal.

I don't want you

hanging around my daughter anymore.

You think you can stop me from seeing Becky?

I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Me, too.

Fine.

If Becky wants to see me, she'll see me.

I want to go over to his house

and beat the hell out of his mother.

Come on, Darlene!

Come on, Darlene.

Let me out!

Let me out.

I won't do it anymore!

I won't do it anymore.

Please!

Please.

[Door slams]

Mom? Is that you?

Darlene, what is that little boy still doing up?

Mom!

We were having so much fun,

I lost track of time.

Nice to see you two kids getting along.

Dad! Is that you?

D.J., go to bed now.

But, mom!

Now.

All right. Let's go, squirt.

Do it again, and it's the dryer.

Becky.

Becky.

Good night, mom.

Good night, mom.

I wasn't doing it.

So, what I do this time?

Nothing. Amazing, isn't it?

We saw Mark tonight.

Where?

Over at the Lobo drinking.

This may come as a shock,

but he's got a fake ID.

We want you two to stay away from each other.

Now, come kiss mommy good night.

I just can't believe this.

Believe it.

Why? I don't go out drinking with him.

You never will.

It's so typical of you

to butt in where it's none of your business.

Well, at least we didn't let you down.

You are our business.

Mark is the greatest guy I've ever dated!

You don't like him,

and you're just taking it out on me!

I remember a time

when she was so sweet and innocent and loving.

I remember that, too.

I believe it was a Thursday.

Listen to this one.

"I sometimes get tiny red pimples on my buttocks

"in the summer.

What can I do about them?"

That's gross.

I hope you didn't sign your name this time.

No. I signed your name.

What did it say to do?

Use a healing facial mask.

Ok, I'm going to pick up that bed

before the store closes.

Hey, honey.

On your way back,

pick us up two healing facial masks...

- For our butts. - For our butts.

Ok.

Mom, I won't be in for dinner.

I'm going over Judy's.

Get a ride from your dad.

That's ok. I can walk.

Ok.

What are you guys going to do?

Probably just going to the movies.

There's a great idea.

Maybe me and Jackie will go see something.

Well, we don't really know

if we're going to the movies.

Call me when you're at Judy's

and let us know either way.

Fine.

Oh. You know what?

I forgot my wallet.

Well, there it is.

She's going to see Mark.

The old "going over to my girlfriend's house" routine.

She's probably up there right now working on plan B.

Maybe it's a really dumb story,

like "Judy's parents are Amish and don't have a phone."

I was only 11.

Mom, me and Judy are just going to a party, ok?

Ok. Hey. Uh...

Is Mark going to be at this party?

Mom, you told me never to see him again.

Is that yes or no?

No.

Where's the party?

I'm not sure.

I'll call you later and give you the number.

We could drive you over there.

We're bored.

We may not go to this party.

We'll probably just invite some girls over to Judy's.

And she goes for the save.

Oh. Ok.

Oh, Becky.

Yeah?

Um...

Judy's phone number's

up there on the bulletin board, right?

Yeah.

Ok.

Ok.

Have fun.

Bye.

Bye.

Well...

There she goes.

Are you worried?

Of course I'm worried.

You want to talk about it?

What's to talk about?

She's out with someone we hate,

going god knows where

and doing god knows what.

Now I feel like mom felt

when she had to watch you completely destroy your life.

You having fun there, Dan?

Just breaking her in.

Oh, it's time to call Judy again.

Well, it's been 15 minutes.

Hi, Judy. It's Mrs. Conner.

Last time I called,

I forgot to ask Becky something.

She's in the bathroom again?

Well, is she sick?

Maybe we should pick her up.

Ok, I'll call back later then.

Becky's sick?

No. She's with Mark.

What?

We told her she couldn't see him again.

That's why she lied about being at Judy's.

You let her go?

I had to so I could catch her.

I won't sit here while she's out with that punk.

I call Judy every 15 minutes.

Judy calls Becky wherever she is.

Then Becky calls me.

And the point of that is?

To completely ruin Becky's evening.

See?

And to make sure that she's all right.

[Telephone rings]

Hiya, Becky.

You like pork chops, don't you?

Ok then.

Fine.

She's fine.

Judy, when you finally do hear from her,

tell her to get her butt home.

Fine. Let her live with him.

Forget it, Judy.

You're never leaving this house again.

What are you talking about?

So...

How was your evening?

Ok, you know I wasn't at Judy's.

Oh?

I was at Monica's.

I know you hate her,

so I asked Judy to cover.

That's one.

Where were you?

I told you I was at Monica's.

Ok. Her parents weren't home.

I knew you guys would be mad.

That's two.

Two what?

Two weeks grounded.

You want three,

or do we hear "Mark"?

You lied, and that won't happen ever again.

You're never seeing Mark again.

I mean it, Becky!

I know.

Don't worry.

Thanks to my mother,

who made me call her every 15 minutes,

he'll probably never want to see me again anyway.

Probably?

And what if he probably does?

I'm never going to see him again. Ok?

Ever.

You put us through a lot of crap tonight.

I'm sorry.

Can I go now?

Yeah. Get upstairs.

You did good.

I did. I did.

You knew exactly where she was going to be.

And you stayed one step ahead of her.

Was there ever any doubt, Dan?

I'm the best.

Unfortunately, next time,

I'm going to have to be even better.

Ooh.

Ahh.

Not too hard?

Not too soft?

Just right.

Well, you know, Dan.

Just because Becky's not going to see Mark anymore

doesn't mean that she's ever going to date somebody

that we approve of.

The next guy could be, like, an ax murderer.

Come on, Mr. Conner. Let me out.

I promise I won't see Becky again.

There's no air in here.

Good.