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1
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:31,989
Ah!
2
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,291
Dad, you slept late!
3
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:35,126
Yeow!
4
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:36,360
Well, it's Saturday morning!
5
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:37,962
2 for 2.
6
00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:39,497
You forgot what
you're gonna do today?
7
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:40,465
No way.
8
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,634
I'm going to eat a big breakfast
9
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:45,837
grab that sports page and
hide in the John till lunch.
10
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:49,207
You did forget.
I can't believe it.
11
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,875
A little help.
12
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,911
[Imitates engine]
13
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,246
[Imitates screeching tires]
14
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,113
Ptooot!
15
00:01:55,148 --> 00:01:56,381
[Imitates siren]
16
00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,950
Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.
17
00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,318
Well, let's go.
18
00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:01,319
We got all day.
19
00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:03,788
That's what you said last week,
20
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,024
but we just washed your car
21
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:09,994
because "a clean car
is an aerodynamic car."
22
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:13,264
Guess you won't fall
for that again, huh?
23
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,600
I think I'm ready
for that next step.
24
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:20,305
Which would be turning innocent
pedestrians into street pizza.
25
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,773
Shut up, Darlene.
26
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,342
Dad, come on!
27
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:25,543
Becky, it's Saturday.
28
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,846
The one day of the week
29
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,047
we can all spend time together.
30
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,050
Boy, it's a beautiful morning.
31
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:36,354
It just makes me want to sing!
32
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,763
Guys, get out of here.
33
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:48,700
I have to clean,
but you can get out.
34
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:51,703
Go, unless you want
to stay and help me.
35
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:54,271
Can't. Promised Becky
a driving lesson.
36
00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:57,441
All right!
Can I have your car keys?
37
00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,343
Yeah. Yeah.
Here they are.
38
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:02,813
No jokes about how bad
a driver I'm going to be?
39
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,516
Didn't Darlene
take care of that?
40
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:06,918
Yeah.
I crushed her.
41
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:08,153
There. What's
keeping you?
42
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,422
Dan, take D.J. Here
to his den meeting.
43
00:03:11,457 --> 00:03:13,892
I don't have a den meeting.
44
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,928
Why are you wearing
your uniform, stupid?
45
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,496
I slept in it, stupid.
46
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,499
Ah, I remember
my days as a scout,
47
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,034
especially the
wilderness training.
48
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:24,669
We couldn't find any wilderness.
49
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:28,039
The scoutmaster would drop
us in downtown Chicago,
50
00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:30,608
and we had to return on our own.
51
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,645
I was one of the lucky ones.
52
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:34,512
Dan...
53
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:35,547
Scout's honor.
54
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:36,547
Becky's waiting.
55
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:37,816
Yeah. Can we go?
56
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,385
Can I get some food first?
57
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,986
No. Take it with you.
58
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,723
Everybody go.
Take Darlene with you.
59
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,126
I want to wait
for the call with you.
60
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:48,993
What call?
61
00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:50,161
From the highway patrol
62
00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:52,864
telling you they've
found your husband
63
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,398
and most of your daughter.
64
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:57,802
What'll it take to get
everyone to leave?
65
00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:58,869
Hi, everybody.
66
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:03,007
Roseanne, wasn't this going
to be your morning alone?
67
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,909
It was supposed to be.
68
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:05,944
They won't go away,
69
00:04:05,978 --> 00:04:10,014
like something stuck to
the bottom of your shoe.
70
00:04:10,049 --> 00:04:10,882
Like gum?
71
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,718
No, not like gum.
72
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,256
It's like being a spy.
73
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:20,258
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
74
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,328
Is that it?
75
00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:27,531
Yep. It's the most accurate
pregnancy test on the market.
76
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:28,933
All right, let's go.
77
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,869
Relax. What's
the matter...
78
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:33,437
Aside from being nine days late?
79
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:36,441
You said save my first
morning's urine, right?
80
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:40,011
I've been saving it
for seven hours.
81
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,280
You sure Dan doesn't know?
82
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:44,181
He thinks I'm on schedule.
83
00:04:44,216 --> 00:04:46,451
How did you manage that?
84
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:48,453
I faked PMS.
85
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:53,357
I even added
an extra day for fun.
86
00:04:53,392 --> 00:04:54,558
Hey!
87
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:55,594
I had to tell Crystal.
88
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,530
She keeps track of everybody's
time of the month
89
00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:02,267
so she can send a card.
90
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,435
Let's go.
91
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,337
What do we got here?
92
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,372
Directions.
93
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:08,005
Test kit.
94
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,008
What is this for?
95
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,144
That holds the urine.
96
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,381
No. You do it
in the lid first,
97
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,383
then you use that dropper.
98
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,819
Oh. Well,
give me the lid.
99
00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:25,155
I got to wash it out first.
100
00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:26,624
Ah!
101
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,461
Oh, hey, they got coupons.
102
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,830
You going to use these?
103
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,433
"The most advanced
type of..."
104
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,168
it's clean!
It's clean!
105
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,504
[Knock knock]
106
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:40,170
Hi.
107
00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,607
Come in. Are
they out there?
108
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,408
Yeah. I didn't
say anything.
109
00:05:44,443 --> 00:05:47,011
I just said hi
and headed straight here.
110
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:51,582
They must think we're doing
some weird shaving ritual.
111
00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:52,750
Why don't you tell Dan?
112
00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:57,154
If it's positive, I'll
find some way to tell him
113
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,756
so his head don't explode.
114
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,693
How did you tell him
about your other kids?
115
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:05,029
With Becky, I said,
"Dan, get a job."
116
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:06,497
With Darlene, I said,
117
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,766
"Dan, get a better job."
118
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:09,867
And D.J.?
119
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:14,205
Ohh. Do I have to
tell him about D.J.?
120
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:15,773
Oh. Come on, Roseanne.
121
00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:20,311
You got to be a little excited
about maybe being pregnant.
122
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:23,013
Yeah. I can hardly
wait to start puking.
123
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:26,618
Come on, guys, or my
water's going to break.
124
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:27,685
[Knock knock]
125
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:28,686
Oh, geez!
126
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,321
Roseanne, what the hell's
127
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,256
going on in there?
128
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,058
We're worshipping Satan, honey.
129
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,260
We'll be right out.
130
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,830
Come on, Roseanne.
131
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:40,965
Ohh.
132
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,734
All right, come on in.
133
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:46,304
The kids don't
need to hear this.
134
00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:48,907
Ah.
135
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,275
Ah, I get it.
136
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:52,176
Dan...
137
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,244
It's ok.
138
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:57,282
How a person lives her life
is her own business.
139
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:58,416
So, Jackie,
140
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:01,585
you got drunk and forgot
there's a zillion kinds
141
00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,955
of birth control around?
142
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,192
Does Gary know?
143
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,360
No, Dan, he doesn't.
144
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:11,862
Gary's the father, right?
145
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:15,566
If you say so.
146
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:18,369
Word of advice from a man...
147
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:21,806
Don't say a word
until you do the test.
148
00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:24,942
Don't upset the guy
if you don't have to.
149
00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:28,813
I was just saying like
that very same thing.
150
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,649
I was saying that
if it is positive,
151
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,886
be short, sweet, and
right to the point.
152
00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:37,055
You know, kind of like...
153
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:38,790
"I'm pregnant, Dan."
154
00:07:38,825 --> 00:07:40,324
Gary.
155
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:41,292
Dan.
156
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:42,327
Gary.
157
00:07:42,361 --> 00:07:43,294
Dan.
158
00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:44,796
Gary!
159
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,735
We have to do this
in front of everybody?
160
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,303
We'll go.
161
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:57,775
How late?
162
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,642
Nine days.
163
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:00,477
When did this happen?
164
00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:03,514
When we were having sex.
165
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,983
But we're always careful.
166
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:06,818
Whoops.
167
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:10,288
Come on, honey, go.
I got to do this.
168
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,357
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
169
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:19,831
You guys did it again, huh?
170
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:20,498
Did what?
171
00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:22,533
They were listening, Dan.
172
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:23,368
Great.
173
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,602
It's not bad enough
174
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,204
this accident is running around?
175
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:30,341
Who's an accident? How can
somebody be an accident?
176
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:31,976
Oh, great, ask me.
177
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,177
Thanks, Darlene.
178
00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:34,578
I'm stressed out, ok?
179
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:37,682
Maybe you could think
before opening your mouth.
180
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:40,885
Be quiet.
I'm trying to go.
181
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:42,621
Shh.
182
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,255
Shut up.
183
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:48,025
Well, make some noise.
184
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:51,495
I can't believe you, Darlene.
You're so insensitive.
185
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,631
You got a big butt.
186
00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:54,732
Cut it out.
187
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,835
There's no need
for this right now.
188
00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,104
We shouldn't upset your mother
189
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:01,739
in her condition.
190
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:02,573
It's true?
191
00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:06,077
We don't know yet.
Keep quiet about it.
192
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:12,650
What?
193
00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:13,851
Come on, Roseanne.
194
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,620
That test takes 10 minutes.
195
00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:20,291
Do what you were doing
for another 10 minutes.
196
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:37,675
8 minutes and 16 seconds.
197
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,177
Thank you, D.J.
198
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,344
You're welcome.
199
00:09:40,379 --> 00:09:44,047
I'm so excited about this,
I could bust in two.
200
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,484
It's like having a baby myself.
201
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,986
Well, now, it's
not positive yet.
202
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,355
I know, but thinking about it
203
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:54,358
gets my biological clock
ticking away.
204
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:55,159
Tick, tick.
205
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,162
Just hope I can do
something about it
206
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,663
before the battery dies.
207
00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:01,432
You want another kid?
208
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:04,034
I hate thinking of my Lonnie
209
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:05,002
as an only child.
210
00:10:05,037 --> 00:10:09,107
I regret not having
that girl I dreamed about.
211
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,809
Yeah. Me, too.
212
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:13,443
What about you, Jackie?
213
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:17,014
Your little clock
must be all wound up.
214
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:19,016
Crystal...
215
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,319
I'm a cop.
216
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,122
Cops can get pregnant
just like everyone else.
217
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:27,491
Yeah, but when she wakes up
depressed, bloated,
218
00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,526
and hating the whole world,
219
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,396
she gets to carry a gun.
220
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:35,599
7 minutes and 34 seconds.
221
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:37,235
D.J.!
222
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,005
Thank you.
223
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,540
Crystal, maybe we better go.
224
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:46,410
No. Hang out. I'm having
trouble with this thing.
225
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:48,679
I got to get another tool.
226
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,581
The toaster's not even broke.
227
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:52,616
He doesn't want to discuss this.
228
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:55,553
You ought to go out after him.
229
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,087
Let him sit out there
230
00:10:57,122 --> 00:11:00,591
and nail something else a while.
231
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:05,263
I think he's sure the test
will come out positive.
232
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:08,365
Why? I've only been late
three times before.
233
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,734
Here are two of them now.
234
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,337
Mom, we got to talk about this.
235
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,739
Your having a baby is ok
236
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,841
if we agree on some conditions.
237
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:21,445
Darlene, I was already talking.
Get out of here.
238
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,381
I want to hear your conditions.
239
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,416
Oh, that's quite all right.
240
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:26,917
Just go right ahead.
241
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:28,419
Oh, no. That's fine.
242
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:30,054
Come on. Let it rip.
243
00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:33,390
Say I brought a puppy
into this house.
244
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,426
It would be my puppy,
245
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,027
and I'd care for it.
246
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:40,698
You won't have time
to care for a puppy
247
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:43,468
with all the work you'll have
248
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:44,735
with the new baby.
249
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:48,539
You don't get this, do you?
250
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:50,574
Yeah, you do.
251
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:53,410
I shouldn't be expected
to clean the baby
252
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:58,115
or wash it, watch it while
it sleeps, change it...
253
00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:00,318
I guess what you're saying is
254
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:04,688
three children are
enough for this house.
255
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,257
Well, yeah.
256
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,024
Mm-hmm.
257
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,627
We're going
to miss you, Darlene.
258
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,564
So, what's your beef?
259
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,167
Uh, do you think
we could maybe...
260
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:19,770
Are you getting
all this, Crystal?
261
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:23,441
Uh, your clock still ticking?
262
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:26,410
Mother, I'm turning
16 this year, right?
263
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,613
That depends on what
you're about to say.
264
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:32,416
This is a big year for me.
265
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:35,519
I would maybe get
a sweet 16 party.
266
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:38,322
I can't wear the same clothes.
267
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,990
God, what would people say?
268
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:45,229
Dad was talking about fixing
up some old car for me.
269
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:45,829
So?
270
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:48,866
So? So none of this
is going to happen!
271
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:51,135
When D.J. Was a baby,
I was 7.
272
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:54,905
I remember it was always,
"the baby needs this,
273
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,941
and the baby
needs that."
274
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,643
I do without things
'cause I'm the oldest,
275
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,347
and don't you want me
to go to college?
276
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,281
No, Becky.
277
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:07,617
We want you to work
in a bowling alley.
278
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:10,188
It was kind of our dream.
279
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,789
You'll never understand
how I feel.
280
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:15,660
You had a car when you were 16.
281
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:20,898
That's because when
I was 16, I had a job.
282
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:23,068
Well, just forget it.
283
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:27,404
What were you thinking
when you made this baby?
284
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,405
I was thinking,
285
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,442
"I wonder if
I could get pregnant
286
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,478
so I could louse up
Becky's life."
287
00:13:34,513 --> 00:13:35,713
Geez, the little brat.
288
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:39,217
You can never do
enough for them...
289
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,017
I agree.
290
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:43,221
Can you believe
how selfish she is?
291
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:43,988
I mean...
292
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:46,923
Go to your room
and live in fear!
293
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:51,028
And to think I suckled them.
294
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,163
They're just upset, Roseanne.
295
00:13:53,198 --> 00:13:55,299
It's a lot for them to handle.
296
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,536
How much longer
till this test is over?
297
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:02,072
4 minutes and 19 seconds!
298
00:14:02,107 --> 00:14:04,074
I'm going to make coffee.
299
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:07,144
If you don't want
to have this baby,
300
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,380
you could get an abortion.
301
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,348
Some say that's
murder, Roseanne.
302
00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,150
And some say it's not.
303
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,519
And some say you got a choice,
304
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:18,522
but we don't know
the test results yet,
305
00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:20,857
so we're talking about coffee.
306
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:22,626
Roseanne.
307
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,261
Bedroom.
308
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:28,098
Ooh, foreplay for a change.
309
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,668
This shouldn't have happened.
310
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,102
We took precautions.
311
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:33,804
Well, they didn't work.
312
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:35,505
You know your fertile time.
313
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,709
Well, excuse me for ovulating.
314
00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:40,110
I didn't mean that.
315
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:42,146
You meant something like that,
316
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:43,380
like it's my fault.
317
00:14:43,415 --> 00:14:46,150
The family thinks it's my fault.
318
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:47,251
I didn't mean that.
319
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:50,755
I'm feeling a little
old for this.
320
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,022
I'm 38.
321
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,324
What, like I'm 25?
322
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,360
We ain't yuppies.
323
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,296
It ain't hip for us
to have babies.
324
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,766
We had them when
we were young and stupid
325
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,133
like we were supposed to.
326
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:06,603
It's weird that we're
going through this again.
327
00:15:06,638 --> 00:15:09,106
Geez, you are just
as bad as the kids.
328
00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:12,910
We have to go through
this whole thing again?
329
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:15,212
Well, maybe if we pull together,
330
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,716
we all can make
this pregnancy thing
331
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,618
a lot easier on us.
332
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,353
Like I'll carry the baby,
333
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:25,022
but Darlene gets
the morning sickness,
334
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:26,457
Becky gets the backaches,
335
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,626
and you get the hemorrhoids.
336
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,127
After the kid's born,
337
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:31,128
I'll do the diapering,
338
00:15:31,163 --> 00:15:35,199
but you get up at night
and breast-feed it.
339
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:38,268
I've always helped,
and I'll help this time.
340
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:40,404
Don't call me selfish
because I thought
341
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,073
we would have time
for ourselves.
342
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:45,709
You've had nine days to adjust.
343
00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:47,444
I've had 10 minutes.
344
00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:50,915
Almost done, mom, dad!
345
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:55,018
1 minute and 58 seconds.
346
00:15:55,053 --> 00:15:57,521
Thank you, D.J.
347
00:15:57,556 --> 00:16:00,324
Was I an accident?
348
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,795
No, D.J. You were...
349
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:05,996
A surprise.
350
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,130
What's the difference?
351
00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:09,566
Hmm, well... An
accident is something
352
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:13,504
that if you had
to do it over again,
353
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,237
you wouldn't.
354
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:15,906
But a surprise is something
355
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:19,777
you didn't know you
wanted till you got it.
356
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,411
Was Darlene an accident?
357
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:24,181
No. Darlene
was a disaster.
358
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:28,151
Darlene says I'm not going
to be the baby anymore,
359
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:31,955
so nobody's going to
pay any attention to me.
360
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,225
I'll tell you what, honey,
361
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:35,326
what if we pay
362
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:38,329
lots and lots
of attention to you?
363
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:41,732
I'll be happy
if you have a baby.
364
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:42,466
That's sweet.
365
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:46,203
I get a chance
to kick some butt.
366
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:54,311
Ah, tradition.
It's a remarkable thing.
367
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,614
Time! It's time!
368
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,381
It's time!
369
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:00,217
I might not be pregnant.
370
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:03,053
We might be yelling
for no reason.
371
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:05,389
We're rehearsing for next time.
372
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:08,459
No. There's not going
to be any next time
373
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,193
because I'm getting fixed.
374
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:12,896
You mean get your tubes tied?
375
00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:17,467
Uh, no, I mean get
my knees sewn together.
376
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:23,273
I'm serious.
That's like an operation.
377
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:26,243
You would be in the hospital.
378
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:27,144
Well, you know, Dan,
379
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:31,215
it's just a little bit more
complicated than, say,
380
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,517
a vasectomy.
381
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:37,454
Yeah.
382
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:40,357
Well, you know what?
You're right.
383
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:44,161
I could take time
and drive you down there.
384
00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:46,897
Uh-huh.
385
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:50,668
So you want to be alone or...
386
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,801
No. Come on in.
387
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:54,337
What do I do now, Jackie?
388
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:55,705
Read the test stick.
389
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:59,176
Pink is yes.
White is no.
390
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,848
Aunt Jackie told me.
391
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:05,982
I'll read the stick.
392
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,151
I want to read the stick.
393
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:11,888
Geez, D.J., it's not
like licking the spoon.
394
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:12,623
Mom!
395
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,157
All right, you can.
396
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:15,492
Hold it. Hold it.
397
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,794
I have something to say.
398
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:21,198
All right,
if this test is positive,
399
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:24,134
uh, I expect
all of your support.
400
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:27,671
I'm not even going
to ask you for it.
401
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:30,507
You're just going to give it.
402
00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:31,542
You can do it.
403
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:34,644
Pretend like
you're some other family.
404
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,680
Ok.
405
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:36,714
Fine.
406
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,682
Yep.
407
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:40,451
All right, go.
408
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:41,351
Ok.
409
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:43,052
Tell us what it is.
410
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:45,822
Pink is yes.
White is no.
411
00:18:45,857 --> 00:18:46,890
It's white.
412
00:18:46,925 --> 00:18:47,991
No way.
413
00:18:48,026 --> 00:18:49,726
- Yes!
- Yes!
414
00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:51,462
- Yes!
- Yes!
415
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,230
Come on.
416
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:56,233
I'm sorry, Roseanne.
417
00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,305
I'll talk to you later, sis.
418
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,673
Thanks for coming by.
419
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,008
That's what I do best.
420
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,148
I'm going to go
shoot some hoops.
421
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:12,116
Ok.
422
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,619
So you'll be here
when I get back?
423
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:16,487
Right.
424
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:19,489
I didn't mean the stuff
I said before.
425
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,358
Yes, you did.
426
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:23,527
Ok, I did,
427
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:26,663
but, um, I'm sorry.
428
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:27,765
Ok?
429
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,434
Mmm. Ok.
430
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:47,251
Uh, Dan, Becky
wants her driving lesson.
431
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:50,787
Meet me in the car, Beck.
432
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:55,191
D.J., did you eat
your breakfast yet?
433
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:56,794
Ok.
434
00:19:57,462 --> 00:20:00,664
What would you have named it?
435
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:02,699
Jack for a boy,
436
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:05,402
and Priscilla for a girl.
437
00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:06,303
Mom!
438
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:10,007
There's a whole new box
on the top shelf!
439
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,642
I can't find it!
440
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,980
Of course not.
441
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,253
Well, you want me
to stick around?
442
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:24,554
You want some company?
443
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:27,657
Uh, no, I've got company.
444
00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:30,927
Kid's got your face.
445
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:34,564
I'm amazed just looking at him.
446
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,200
Yeah.
447
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,204
None look like me.
448
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,140
That won't stand up in court.
449
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:44,141
Damn.
450
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,810
I'm going to watch TV.
451
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,847
I'll clean it up.
452
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:51,782
Yeah?
453
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,183
All right.
454
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:55,218
[Car horn honks]
455
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:58,990
Becky.
456
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:00,857
I...
457
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:07,398
You know that thing
you were gonna do,
458
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,666
that tube tying thing?
459
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:13,370
I'm not gonna.
460
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:16,740
Yeah, ok.
461
00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:36,660
[Siren approaches]
462
00:21:36,695 --> 00:21:40,030
Oh, my god.
463
00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:41,631
Roseanne, don't worry.
464
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:42,566
Everybody's ok.
465
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:43,400
There was a little accident.
466
00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:46,636
I drove them home.
467
00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:47,504
What happened?
468
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:48,439
I can't believe it.
469
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:51,841
I'll tell the story
if you don't mind.
470
00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:54,611
We're going up a hill.
471
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:55,890
The engine's straining a little.
472
00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:58,782
I say, "Becky,
put in low."
473
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:01,485
Becky puts it in reverse.
474
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,954
Now we're going down the hill
475
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:06,657
to the surprise of the
traffic behind us.
476
00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:08,458
This isn't fair.
477
00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:12,128
I don't think we need
to hear from you.
478
00:22:12,398 --> 00:22:14,164
So I'm calm.
479
00:22:14,199 --> 00:22:16,666
I say, "Becky,
put on the brake."
480
00:22:16,701 --> 00:22:17,701
She panics.
481
00:22:17,736 --> 00:22:19,169
She romps on the gas.
482
00:22:19,204 --> 00:22:21,071
Warp speed, Roseanne.
483
00:22:21,106 --> 00:22:23,140
Cars are swerving, honking.
484
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,842
I reach over to apply
the brake with my hand.
485
00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:29,679
Then Becky remembers
where the brake is.
486
00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:30,715
Did you hit anything?
487
00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:31,815
Not yet.
488
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,383
That didn't happen until...
489
00:22:33,452 --> 00:22:34,463
You understand how I felt.
490
00:22:34,487 --> 00:22:37,788
I didn't trust her
behind the wheel,
491
00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:39,122
so we switch places.
492
00:22:39,157 --> 00:22:41,458
Your daughter, left
the car in reverse.
493
00:22:41,494 --> 00:22:44,928
So, I back into a tree.
494
00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:49,166
I'm never riding
with that man again.
495
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,068
I kept a lid on it
'cause it's family,
496
00:22:51,103 --> 00:22:54,738
but I hate to see something
like this go unpunished.
497
00:22:54,773 --> 00:22:56,439
I'll take care of that.
498
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:58,308
Dan...
499
00:22:58,344 --> 00:23:06,344
Bedroom.
32745
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