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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,579 THIS IS NUTS. 2 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,094 MORE COFFEE, HONEY? 3 00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:39,131 HEY, TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. 4 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:42,135 BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, THE TAXES WILL BE FILED 5 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,636 AND ALL THIS WILL BE BEHIND US-- 6 00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:48,140 THE TENSION, THE ANXIETY, THE FRAUD. 7 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,643 A STUPID SYSTEM RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE, 8 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,144 THOUGHT UP BY STUPID PEOPLE, 9 00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:53,513 HIRED BY STUPID PEOPLE. 10 00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:56,582 WHO WERE ELECTED BY EVEN STUPIDER PEOPLE. 11 00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:57,584 WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY 12 00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,085 JUST PAY A FLAT PERCENTAGE, YOU KNOW? 13 00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,454 YOU KNOW, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. 14 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,456 MAYBE THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF FILING, 15 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,459 YOU OUGHT TO GO CHANGE THE TAX LAWS. 16 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,460 IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THIS. 17 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:08,461 THIS STUFF'S SO COMPLICATED, 18 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,795 NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND IT. 19 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,364 WELL, MAYBE WE COULD HAVE FOUND 20 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,865 SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN IT TO US 21 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,834 IF YOU DIDN'T WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE. 22 00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,870 DON'T. DON'T. DON'T START LAYING THIS OFF ON ME. 23 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,305 I'M NOT SAYING NOTHING. 24 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,373 'COURSE IT IS ON YOU BECAUSE YOU DID 25 00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:22,875 GO AND WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE. 26 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,678 YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED TO GET THE TAXES DONE EARLIER, 27 00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:27,946 YOU COULD'VE STARTED GETTING STUFF TOGETHER YOURSELF. 28 00:02:27,947 --> 00:02:30,015 WELL, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU BROUGHT THAT UP, 29 00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:33,019 HONEY, BECAUSE I DID. 30 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:36,522 I GOT ALL MY W-2s AND ALL MY RECEIPTS. 31 00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:38,691 THEY'RE ALL ADDED UP, 32 00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:40,192 CATALOGUED, PUT TOGETHER, 33 00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:42,695 AND READY TO GO. 34 00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:44,830 NO KIDDING? 35 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,899 YOU'RE ALL DONE? 36 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:57,510 NO. I JUST WANTED TO SEE THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE. 37 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:01,514 YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO KEEP IT LIGHT, YOU KNOW. 38 00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:04,016 SO THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, 39 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,318 BY TELLING JOKES? 40 00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:07,887 NO. JUST TILL MIDNIGHT. 41 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:10,389 I WILL TELL ONE SHOW-STOPPER AT 11:59, 44 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,361 YOU OUGHT TO SIT DOWN HERE 45 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,363 AND TRY TO FIGURE THESE TAXES OUT. 46 00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:20,866 WHY, NO PROBLEM. 47 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:21,868 YOU WANT TO DO THE TAXES? 48 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:22,869 YOU WANT ME TO? 49 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,870 OH, DO THE TAXES. 50 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:24,871 I'D BE HAPPY TO. 51 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,372 PLEASE DO THE TAXES. 52 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,875 WHY, ALLOW ME. 53 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,377 OK. 54 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,385 WHAT'S THE MATTER, ROSEANNE? 55 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:40,386 NOTHING. 56 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:44,890 SO, WHAT? 57 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,760 YOU'RE... YOU'RE AT LINE 12. 58 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,328 BUSINESS INCOME. 59 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,831 WE JUST TELL THEM 60 00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:53,666 IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. 61 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:59,305 YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY ONE TIME 62 00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:00,806 WHERE I THINK BEING A WOMAN 63 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,308 IS REALLY GOING TO COME IN HANDY, YOU KNOW, 64 00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:04,310 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, US WOMEN 65 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,812 READ AND COMPREHEND INSTRUCTIONS 66 00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:10,316 SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU MEN, AS YOU KNOW. 67 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,885 SO THAT IS WHAT 68 00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,386 I WILL BE DOING RIGHT NOW, HUH? 69 00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:16,389 I WILL BE LOOKING AND READING 70 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:19,892 THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LINE 12. 71 00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:30,903 OK. 72 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,407 LINE 10, LINE 11, 73 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:37,910 LINE 13 AND 14. 74 00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:40,412 THERE IS NO LINE 12. 75 00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:43,916 WHY ISN'T THERE ANY LINE 12? 76 00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:47,419 I'LL CHECK THE BACK FOR LINE 12. 77 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,922 C. AH, SCHEDULE C. 78 00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:52,424 AHA. NOW WE'RE IN THE MONEY. 79 00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:55,428 SCHEDULE C, E, F, E. 80 00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:57,930 E... 81 00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:59,431 SCHEDULE C. 82 00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:01,700 SEE? SCHEDULE C. 83 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:02,768 SEE THIS. 84 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,271 15 HOURS AND COUNTING, EINSTEIN. 85 00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:06,572 OK. 86 00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:09,641 "IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE 87 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,143 "AND MORE THAN 10% OF THE TAX 88 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,645 "SHOWN ON YOUR RETURN OR YOU UNDERPAID 89 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,280 "YOUR 1989 ESTIMATED TAX LIABILITY 90 00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:18,350 FOR ANY PAYMENT PERIOD, YOU MAY OWE A PENALTY." 91 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,353 RIGHT. 92 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,355 SO, OK, I GIVE UP. 93 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:25,224 WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS? 94 00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:28,293 FIDUCIARY ESPERANTO. 95 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:29,928 WELL, THEY COULDN'T GO PUT SOMETHING IN HERE 96 00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,931 THAT LIKE NOBODY ON EARTH COULD UNDERSTAND. 97 00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:32,932 THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT. 98 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:36,435 THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT. OK. OK. 99 00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:39,439 "IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE AND MORE THAN--" 100 00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,340 OH. OH, OH. 101 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:45,278 "IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE..." 102 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:51,684 "AND MORE THAN 10% OF THE TAX..." 103 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:54,687 OH, THEN--THEN... 104 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,689 THEN YOUR HUSBAND MUST, BY LAW, 105 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,190 COMPLETE THE TAXES. 106 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,669 HEY, BECKY, HOW MUCH MONEY 107 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,437 DO YOU THINK MOM AND DAD MADE LAST YEAR? 108 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:13,505 I DON'T KNOW, BUT I ONCE HEARD MOM 109 00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:16,008 SAYING TO AUNT JACKIE THAT THIS HOUSE COST THEM 30,000, 110 00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,076 AND THEY BOUGHT IT THIS HOUSE YEARS AGO, 111 00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:19,645 SO IF THEY COULD AFFORD TO SPEND THAT MUCH THEN, 112 00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:22,280 THEY'RE PROBABLY MAKING THREE TIMES THAT MUCH NOW. 113 00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:24,850 $90,000? 114 00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,319 OH, MY GOD! 115 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,387 WAY OFF. 116 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:33,893 WAY, WAY OFF. 117 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,896 SO HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE? 118 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,665 WAY OFF. 119 00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,233 MOM, HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU GUYS MAKE LAST YEAR? 120 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,735 DAD DOESN'T WANT TO TELL US. 121 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,236 THAT'S 'CAUSE HE DON'T KNOW. 122 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,739 BESIDES, IT'S NOT POLITE TO GO ASKING PEOPLE 123 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,440 HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE. 124 00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:50,142 EVEN IF IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS? 125 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:53,079 ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS. 126 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,146 I MEAN, JUST GENERALLY, 127 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,481 HOW MUCH DOES SOMEONE WITH A JOB MAKE? 128 00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:57,182 IT DEPENDS ON THE JOB. 129 00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,752 SAY SHE WORKED SHAMPOOING HEADS 130 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,186 AND GOSSIPING ALL DAY. 131 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,756 WELL, THEN, SHE WOULD PROBABLY BE PAID 132 00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,257 VERY, VERY WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW, 133 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,760 MOSTLY IN THE FORM OF CASH TIPS, 134 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,261 WHICH SHE WOULD OF COURSE POCKET 135 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,497 AND THEN NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT, 136 00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,564 INCLUDING HER HUSBAND 137 00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:15,034 AND THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN. 138 00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:17,770 SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL US EITHER. 139 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,838 NOW, LOOK, YOUR DAD AND I MADE ENOUGH MONEY LAST YEAR 140 00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:22,842 TO LIVE VERY, VERY WELL... 141 00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:24,343 FOR SIX MONTHS. 142 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:26,845 AND THEN WE JUGGLED. 143 00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:30,449 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU JUGGLED? 144 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,518 OK, YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU BORROW 145 00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,019 A QUARTER FROM BECKY 146 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,022 AND YOU CAN'T PAY HER BACK, 147 00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,023 SO THEN YOU COME BORROW A DOLLAR FROM ME, 148 00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:39,025 AND THEN I GO AND DEDUCT IT 149 00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,826 FROM YOUR NEXT WEEK'S ALLOWANCE? 150 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:41,894 YEAH, AND THEN NEXT WEEK 151 00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:42,895 WHEN MY ALLOWANCE IS ONLY $4.00, 152 00:07:42,895 --> 00:07:44,496 I CAN'T GET INTO THE MOVIES. 153 00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,565 RIGHT. SO THEN YOU JUST GO IN AND SWIPE A BUCK 154 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:47,567 OUT OF MY PURSE, YOU KNOW, 155 00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:48,834 LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. 156 00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:52,705 YOU MEAN, YOU GUYS STEAL MONEY? 157 00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,207 NO, NO. WE DON'T NEED TO STEAL MONEY. 158 00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:57,176 WE HAVE CREDIT. GO TO SCHOOL. 159 00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:59,578 YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE PAYING TAXES FOR? 160 00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,380 DO YOU GUYS CHEAT ON YOUR INCOME TAX? 161 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:02,948 ABSOLUTELY NOT. 162 00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:13,058 SIS! 163 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,060 HEY. 164 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:15,061 HI. 165 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,062 OH. 166 00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:19,065 IS HE TEARING THE HOUSE APART YET? 167 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,067 NOT YET, BUT IT'S EARLY. 168 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,069 HAS HE STARTED IN ON HIS SPEECH 169 00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,071 ABOUT MOVING TO AN ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC 170 00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,739 AND NEVER PAYING TAXES AGAIN? 171 00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:27,906 NOT YET. 172 00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:29,475 WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD. 173 00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:30,476 SO FAR. 174 00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:31,977 EXCEPT FOR THE YAKKING. 175 00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:34,981 I HAVE BEEN DREADING THIS FOR WEEKS. 176 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,249 YOU KNOW HOW CRUMMY MY MATH IS. 177 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,818 WELL, NO SWEAT. 178 00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,220 D.J. WILL BE HOME BY 3:00. 179 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,288 VERY FUNNY, ROSEANNE. 180 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,624 I THINK I CAN MANAGE TO DO MY OWN TAXES 181 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:51,130 DESPITE WHAT CERTAIN MEN MIGHT THINK. 182 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:52,631 HEY, YOU JUST SAID YOURSELF 183 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:54,133 THAT YOU'RE NO GOOD AT MATH. 184 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,635 I KNOW. I'M SELF-CONSCIOUS AS IT IS ABOUT MY MATH. 185 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,638 I DON'T NEED TO BE HEARING ABOUT IT FROM MY BOYFRIEND. 186 00:08:58,638 --> 00:09:01,140 HE TELLS ME THAT HE LOVES ME 187 00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,142 AND THEN HE CRITICIZES MY MATH. 188 00:09:03,142 --> 00:09:05,144 HE SAID MAYBE HE SHOULD LOOK OVER MY FORM, 189 00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:07,045 YOU KNOW, LIKE I CAN'T HANDLE IT. 190 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,714 DO YOU MIND? 191 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:11,450 COME ON, SIS. LET'S GO IN THE LIVING ROOM. 192 00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,885 HE'S TAKEN OVER THE MAIN BALLROOM HERE. 193 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,354 THE ADDING MACHINE STAYS. 194 00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:16,855 JUST THESE TWO NUMBERS TOGETHER. 195 00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:24,363 LOOK, WHAT'S 14,173.80 PLUS 1,319.16...ROUGHLY? 196 00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:25,364 THANKS. GREAT. 197 00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:26,365 WHAT? 198 00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:28,367 YOU JUST MESSED ME ALL UP HERE. 199 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:31,370 WELL, SORRY. BUT JUST REAL QUICK. 14,173--OK. 200 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:32,371 DO IT. 201 00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,372 DO IT! 202 00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:34,373 OK. 203 00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:45,384 OH, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. 204 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:46,885 OH, LET ME. 205 00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:50,889 HERE. THIS ON THE TOP-- 206 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:54,393 14,173.80 207 00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:55,894 PLUS THE 1,3... 208 00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,299 THANKS, DAN. 209 00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:01,366 GOOD. 210 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:03,869 YEAH, NOW, SEE, THAT'S CLOSER TO THE TOTAL. 211 00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,407 OK, OK, OK. 212 00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,908 WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND GARY? 213 00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:11,911 OH... 214 00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:13,913 NOTHING. 215 00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,848 OH, YES, THERE IS AND YOU'RE DYING TO TELL ME. 216 00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:17,416 NOTHING'S GOING ON. 217 00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:18,750 SPILL IT. 218 00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:19,818 HE THINKS HE'S SO SMART 219 00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:20,820 AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING 220 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,155 THAT REQUIRES A LITTLE SIMPLE MATH. 221 00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,490 WELL, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO ANY MATH 222 00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:29,261 IN FRONT OF HIM TILL AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED. 223 00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:30,328 ROSEANNE? WELL, GARY SAID 224 00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,330 HE DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, 225 00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:33,332 AND I KNOW EXACTLY THE WAY HE MEANT IT, ROSEANNE. 226 00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:34,333 A WOMAN CAN TELL THAT. 227 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,335 HE HATES MY MATH. 228 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:37,836 ROSEANNE! 229 00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:39,205 WHAT? 230 00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:42,608 I NEED YOUR 1099 FOR THAT MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION JOB. 231 00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:43,675 I DIDN'T GET ONE. 232 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,677 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T GET ONE? 233 00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,679 I MEAN I DID NOT GET ONE 234 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,180 AS OPPOSED TO I DID GET ONE. 235 00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,681 YOU KNOW, THEREFORE, I DO NOT HAVE ONE 236 00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:52,685 AS OPPOSED TO I HAVE ONE. 237 00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,186 YOU DIDN'T GET A 1099? 238 00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:56,888 SEE, NOW THERE'S SOME COMMUNICATION HAPPENING. 239 00:10:56,889 --> 00:10:57,956 ROSEANNE. 240 00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:59,458 NO, I DIDN'T GET A 1099, HONEY, 241 00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:00,459 BUT I DIDN'T NEED ONE 242 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,961 BECAUSE YOU GOT TO MAKE SOMETHING LIKE 600 BUCKS 243 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,463 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO EVEN GET ONE, YOU KNOW. 244 00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,298 THAT'S THE RULE. SAYS WHO? 245 00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:08,867 SAYS GOD. I DON'T KNOW. 246 00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:10,870 IT'S JUST THE RULE. 247 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:11,871 YOU KNOW THIS FOR A FACT? 248 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:12,872 YEAH. 249 00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,373 YOU ASKED SOMEONE? YES. 250 00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:15,374 WHO? 251 00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,875 JACKIE. 252 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,513 JACKIE'S WRONG. 253 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,315 EVERYBODY GETS A 1099. 254 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,917 D.J. DIDN'T GET ONE, SO NOT EVERYBODY. 255 00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:27,185 OH, COME ON, ROSEANNE. THIS ISN'T A JOKE. 256 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,454 I NEED THAT 1099 OR WE'RE DEAD. 257 00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:30,989 I DIDN'T GET ANY KIND OF 1099 258 00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:33,559 'CAUSE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET ANY KIND OF 1099, 259 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,061 BUT HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU. 260 00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,564 I'M CALLING UP THE IRS RIGHT NOW 261 00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,565 AND I'M GOING TO ASK THEM 262 00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:41,066 JUST TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SURE 263 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,335 THAT I DON'T NEED NO 1099. 264 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:46,104 OH, ROSEANNE, GET REAL. IT'S TAX DAY. 265 00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:47,906 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET THROUGH TO THE IRS. 266 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:48,707 IT'S BUSY. 267 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,209 GREAT. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? 268 00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:51,710 WELL, I DON'T KNOW. 269 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,212 JUST GO AHEAD AND DO EVERYTHING ELSE, YOU KNOW, 270 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:56,215 AND THEN WE'LL WORRY ABOUT THE 1099 THING LATER. 271 00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,217 WHAT LATER? 272 00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,718 LATER WHEN? 273 00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:06,025 OK, OK, YEAH, WE ARE KIND OF ALL OUT OF LATER. 274 00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:11,030 BUT...I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, OK? 275 00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:13,532 THEY DIDN'T MAIL ME ANY KIND OF 1099, 276 00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:15,534 SO HOW CAN WE DECLARE THE INCOME? 277 00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:21,440 IT'S NOT OUR FAULT. 278 00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:23,843 I'M DONE. 279 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,344 HEY. 280 00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:26,345 HEY. 281 00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:29,348 YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE FEDS. 282 00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:32,351 HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME 283 00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:34,853 WHEN WE WAS IN THE CAR COMING BACK FROM SHOPPING-- 284 00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:37,356 YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAYS I SHOULDN'T GET ONE. 285 00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:40,859 OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT A WIG. 286 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:41,861 A WIG? 287 00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:42,862 YOU ARE REALLY, 288 00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:44,363 REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES TODAY, MAN! 289 00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:46,365 I MEAN, MORE THAN USUAL. 290 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:49,368 OK. WHAT IF SHE IS SUPPOSED TO GET A 1099 291 00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,370 AND IT GOT LOST IN THE MAIL? 292 00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:53,372 AND THEN THE IRS IS GOING TO CHECK HER ON IT, 293 00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:56,375 AND YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE AN AUDIT. 294 00:12:56,375 --> 00:13:00,379 [MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] 295 00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:01,880 AND THEY DON'T GO BACK FOR ONE YEAR, YOU KNOW. 296 00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:04,884 THEY CAN GO BACK LIKE SIX YEARS TO AUDIT. 297 00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:08,888 [MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] 298 00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:10,890 AND IF YOU CAN'T DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE, 299 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,392 SOLITARY DEDUCTION FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS, 300 00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:14,893 YOU GOT TO PAY. 301 00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,395 AND NOT ONLY THE ADJUSTED TAX, 302 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:17,896 BUT THE PENALTIES AND THE INTEREST. 303 00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:19,899 AND IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU PAY, 304 00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:21,400 THEY CAN FREEZE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. 305 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,901 THEY CAN GARNISH YOUR WAGES. 306 00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:25,571 THEY CAN AUCTION OFF YOUR FURNITURE. 307 00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:28,140 THEY AUCTION OUR FURNITURE? 308 00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,809 LET'S NOT FILE, FOR SURE. 309 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:31,877 COME ON, ROSEANNE. 310 00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,379 WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS 1099? 311 00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,381 I AIN'T IN NO MOOD FOR AN AUDIT. 312 00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:39,885 [MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] 313 00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:44,389 I THINK WE SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. 314 00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:47,459 JUST GO DOWN TO THE IRS AND ASK THEM IN PERSON. 315 00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:48,526 NO, NO, I CAN'T. NO WAY. NO WAY. 316 00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:49,528 I CAN'T GO DOWN TO THAT BUILDING. 317 00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:50,529 IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS. 318 00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,030 I JUST KNOW I'M GONNA TAKE 319 00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:54,033 ONE OF THOSE SNOTTY LITTLE IRS GUYS 320 00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:56,235 AND THROW HIM THROUGH A WINDOW. 321 00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:57,803 WELL, THAT WOULD NOT BE SMART, HONEY, 322 00:13:57,803 --> 00:14:00,305 BECAUSE THEN WE WOULD DEFINITELY GET AN AUDIT. 323 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,217 [MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] 324 00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:16,154 [TELEPHONE RINGING] 325 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:19,157 CAN I HELP YOU? 326 00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:20,659 I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT, WON'T WE? 327 00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:21,660 DO YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD 328 00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:22,661 AND GET THE PHONE FIRST? 329 00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,162 [RING] 330 00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:33,172 I GUESS I'M NOT A PHONE PERSON EITHER. 331 00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:34,673 YEAH, IF PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO YOU, 332 00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:36,174 THEY BETTER COME DOWN HERE 333 00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,676 AND STAND IN LINE ALL DAY, HUH? 334 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:38,677 HONEY, HONEY, 335 00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:39,878 THE GENTLEMAN'S WAITING TO HELP US. 336 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,248 ALIEN TAX CLEARANCE? 337 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,053 NO. 1099. 338 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,054 COUNTER FOUR. 339 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,121 NEXT, PLEASE. JUST STEP ASIDE. 340 00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,490 LET'S KEEP THE LINE MOVING. 341 00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,058 MISTER, THAT'S A REAL LONG LINE, 342 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,059 AND WE'RE KIND OF PRESSED FOR TIME. 343 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,528 I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST WONDERING IF, UH... 344 00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,365 GUESS NOT. 345 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,044 ♪ PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN ♪ 346 00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,546 ♪ YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG OUT ♪ 347 00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:15,547 ♪ YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN ♪ 348 00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:17,382 ♪ AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT ♪ 349 00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:18,684 ♪ YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY... ♪ 350 00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,693 PLEASE REMAIN BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE, SIR. 351 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,194 HEY, LOOK, DOLL FACE, 352 00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:32,197 I GOT FORM 4255 HERE, ENTITLED, 353 00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:33,698 "RECAPTURE OF INVESTMENT CREDITS 354 00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:36,201 "FOR DISPOSAL OR CHANGED USE OF INVESTMENT PROPERTY 355 00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,436 BEFORE THE END OF ITS USEFUL LIFE." 356 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:43,041 DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SHARP I COULD STICK IN MY EYE? 357 00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:44,610 DO I INCLUDE FORM 8611 358 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,145 FOR REDUCTION IN QUALITY BASIS OF PROPERTY 359 00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:48,714 AND PUT THE TOTAL ON LINE 50 360 00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,515 OR DO I LIST THEM SEPARATELY? 361 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,618 I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR. 362 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:57,189 I THINK THE WISE THING WOULD BE TO GO DOWN 363 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:59,191 TO YOUR LOCAL IRS OFFICE. 364 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,426 IF I'D KEPT MY LAST JOB, 365 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,662 I COULD'VE BEEN ON VACATION IN FLORIDA. 366 00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:05,730 PLEASE STEP BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE. 367 00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:09,367 SORRY. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GONNA HIT YOU OR NOTHING. 368 00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,136 WHAT DO YOU NEED? 369 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,239 OK. HOW MUCH DO YOU GOT TO EARN TO BE MAILED A 1099? 370 00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:15,807 1099. 371 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,811 UM, THAT'S INCOME FROM GAMBLING? 372 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,779 NO. NO, IT ISN'T. 373 00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,580 PENSION INCOME? 374 00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,416 [IMITATING A BUZZER] 375 00:16:25,417 --> 00:16:26,918 TIME'S UP, DENISE. 376 00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,420 I'M SURE THIS INSTRUCTION BOOK 377 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:29,421 WILL HELP, OK? UH-HUH. 378 00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:31,923 WELL, I'VE READ THIS BOOK, AND IT IS FABULOUS, 379 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,425 BUT I WOULD LIKE SOME INFORMATION. 380 00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:34,926 SEE, I'D WAGER 381 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,695 THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THIS THE INFORMATION LINE. 382 00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:37,962 I'M SORRY, SIR, 383 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,297 BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR TWO WEEKS. 384 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,632 WELL, SO HAVE WE. 385 00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:43,768 LOOK, PLEASE, WE'VE BEEN EXTREMELY BUSY. 386 00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:44,836 THIS IS OUR BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR. 387 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,839 I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND. 388 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,840 I MEAN, I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7:30 THIS MORNING. 389 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,341 I NEVER GOT LUNCH, 390 00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,109 AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE FRESH COFFEE BACK HERE. 391 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:54,179 MAYBE ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES COULD HELP US. 392 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,782 ED, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A 1099? 393 00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:00,952 1099R-- PENSIONS AND ANNUITIES. 394 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,788 NO, ED. 395 00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:06,791 1099 INCOME. 396 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,093 INCOME, ED. 397 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,360 COUNTER FOUR. 398 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,864 IS THERE ANYONE ELSE? 399 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,266 ANYONE? 400 00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:16,001 I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR. 401 00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:17,836 WHY, NEXT YEAR WE'RE STARTING IN JUNE. 402 00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,337 NEXT YEAR WE AIN'T GONNA FILE. 403 00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:20,839 THEN WE'LL GO TO PRISON. 404 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:24,275 OF COURSE, I BET YOU DON'T HAVE TO FILE FROM PRISON. 405 00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,844 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 406 00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:29,848 WELL, NOBODY IN YOUR WHOLE OPERATION HERE SEEMS TO KNOW 407 00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:32,350 HOW MUCH I HAVE TO EARN TO GET MAILED A 1099. 408 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:33,852 WHAT WERE YOUR EARNINGS? 409 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:34,853 400 BUCKS. 410 00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:36,354 AN EMPLOYER IS ONLY REQUIRED 411 00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:37,356 TO SEND YOU A 1099 412 00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:39,358 IF YOU EARNED $600 OR MORE. 413 00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:40,859 600? REALLY? 414 00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:42,060 WHY COULDN'T YOU GUYS 415 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,629 HAVE THAT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE? 416 00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,197 WE DO. WE HAVE DETAILED INSTRUCTION BOOKS 417 00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,199 WHICH CAN BE EASILY UNDERSTOOD BY PEOPLE 418 00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,201 WITH AT LEAST AN EIGHTH GRADE EDUCATION, 419 00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,702 BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE TO RELY 420 00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,704 ON COOPERATIVE CITIZENS SUCH AS YOURSELVES 421 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,605 TAKING THE TIME TO READ THEM. 422 00:17:54,606 --> 00:17:56,007 NO, SEE, I DID READ THIS BOOK, 423 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,510 AND THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT NO 1099. 424 00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:02,013 YOU SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS ANYTHING IN THERE ABOUT A 1099. 425 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,520 WELL, THAT'S THE ONE PAGE I SKIPPED. 426 00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:13,525 THAT'S THAT PAGE 34. 427 00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:15,527 PAGE 34. 428 00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:17,462 YEAH, SO IT'S OUR FAULT. 429 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:18,864 I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ANYONE'S FAULT, MA'AM, 430 00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:20,866 BUT THE ANSWER IS THERE IN WRITING. 431 00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,868 SORRY, THERE ARE NO PICTURES. 432 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,471 YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, YOU KNOW? 433 00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,973 YOU SHOULD HAVE A COVER CHARGE 434 00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:29,708 TO GET IN THIS JOINT. 435 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:31,276 YOU KNOW, IF MORE PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THE TIME 436 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,278 TO READ THESE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS, 437 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,279 THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE 438 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,780 AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS, 439 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,282 AND THEN MAYBE THESE LINES 440 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,283 WOULDN'T BE SO LONG. 441 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,751 SO LONG. 442 00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:44,155 HEY, HEY. HEY, LISTEN, YOU PENCIL-PUSHING GEEK. 443 00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:49,060 I REALLY DIDN'T COME DOWN HERE 444 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,562 TO STAND IN LINE ALL DAY 445 00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:52,330 TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING, 446 00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:53,899 SNOTTY LITTLE ATTITUDE, YOU KNOW? 447 00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:55,901 I MEAN, I'M SURE IT IS A PAIN IN YOUR BUTT 448 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,402 TO ANSWER OUR UNIMPORTANT LITTLE QUESTIONS, 449 00:18:57,402 --> 00:18:59,404 BUT THAT IS YOUR JOB, ISN'T IT? 450 00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:02,907 AND YOU ARE PAID WITH OUR TAX MONEY. 451 00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,808 OK, HONEY, COME ON. 452 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,743 NO, DAN. 453 00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:06,845 THIS STUFF IS IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND-- 454 00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,913 THESE LAWS AND EXPLANATIONS OF LAWS. 455 00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:10,916 NO HUMAN BEING CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. 456 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:12,918 YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO GO GET 457 00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,419 SOME $200-AN-HOUR LAWYER 458 00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:15,920 TO EVEN EXPLAIN THE CRAP TO YOU, YOU KNOW? 459 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,923 AND I CAN'T AFFORD $200 AN HOUR. 460 00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:19,925 YEAH. YEAH. 461 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:21,426 WE DON'T WRITE THE STINKING LAWS! 462 00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:22,927 YOU GOT A COMPLAINT, 463 00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:24,930 TALK TO THE IDIOTS IN WASHINGTON! 464 00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:25,430 ED! 465 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,939 WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD. I MEAN, 466 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,943 US PEOPLE, THE POOR PEOPLE, AND US REGULAR PEOPLE, 467 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:39,945 WE'RE PAYING MORE TAXES THAN THE RICH PEOPLE 468 00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:40,946 BECAUSE THEY GOT ALL THEIR LAWYERS 469 00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:41,947 TO FIGURE OUT THE LOOPHOLES. 470 00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,882 I WANT TO FIND LOOPHOLES. 471 00:19:43,882 --> 00:19:44,949 YEAH! 472 00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:46,451 LET'S GO. 473 00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:47,452 I MEAN, WE GIVE YOU OUR MONEY 474 00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:48,953 AND THEN YOU LIKE TOTALLY MISMANAGE IT 475 00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:50,956 WORSE THAN WE EVER COULD ANYHOW. 476 00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:52,457 I MEAN, THE GOVERNMENT IS 477 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:54,459 SOMETHING LIKE $3 TRILLION IN DEBT. 478 00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:56,961 I MEAN, I THINK I SAW THAT ON DONAHUE. 479 00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:57,963 IT'S LIKE 3 TRILLION-- 480 00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,966 THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'RE MAKING $15,000 A YEAR, OK? 481 00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:01,967 SO YOU RUN UP YOUR MASTERCHARGE 482 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:02,968 TO LIKE 50 GRAND. 483 00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,469 THEN, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? 484 00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:08,272 YOUR MONTHLY BILL WOULD BE LIKE $5,000 A MONTH. 485 00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,540 I MEAN, IT'S INSANE. 486 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,543 THE WHOLE THING IS INSANE. I MEAN, 487 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:12,544 SOMEDAY US REGULAR PEOPLE, 488 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,547 WE OUGHT TO GET SMART, YOU KNOW, AND AUDIT THEM. 489 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:16,881 YEAH. YEAH. 490 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:23,088 I'M SORRY, MA'AM, UH, I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME. 491 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:25,958 YOU DON'T NEED HER NAME. 492 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,460 COME ON. 493 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:29,461 NO, DAN. 494 00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:32,964 I'M NOT GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED 495 00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,366 BY THAT LITTLE WEASEL. 496 00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:37,435 HONEY, THIS ISN'T THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 497 00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:42,441 NO, NO. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. 498 00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:43,775 EXCUSE ME, RABBI. 499 00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:51,549 I AM NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU MY NAME. 500 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,119 IT'S WAGNER WITH A "W." 501 00:20:56,488 --> 00:20:57,388 ALL RIGHT. 502 00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:58,890 YEAH. 503 00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,895 MRS. NORRIS T. WAGNER. 504 00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:05,897 MRS. NORRIS T. WAGNER. 505 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:08,400 COME, NORRIS. 506 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,067 YES, DEAR. 507 00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,745 PRESENTING, NEW FOR 1989, YOUR INCOME TAX RETURN. 508 00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:22,814 PAGES AND PAGES OF FABULOUS PRINT 509 00:21:22,814 --> 00:21:25,817 ON OUR OWN HIGH-QUALITY BOND, 510 00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:27,752 BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. 511 00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:28,820 AH. 512 00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:32,890 YOUR PEN--A BIC CLIC-- RETAILING FOR 98 CENTS, 513 00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:34,392 AVAILABLE AT THE BOTTOM 514 00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:35,861 OF ANY OF ONE OF MOM'S POCKETBOOKS. 515 00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:40,331 THANK YOU, VANNA. 516 00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,335 AND NOW... 517 00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:47,005 WAGNER. 518 00:21:47,005 --> 00:21:48,573 MOVE IT OUT. 519 00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:50,074 ALL RIGHT. JACKETS. 520 00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:51,643 SO DID YOU GUYS CHEAT? 521 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,645 YEAH. RICH PEOPLE RIP OFF THE GOVERNMENT. 522 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:54,646 WHY SHOULDN'T WE? 523 00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:56,581 OH, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? 524 00:21:56,581 --> 00:21:59,917 OFF OF ONE OF YOUR DYLAN ALBUMS. 525 00:21:59,918 --> 00:22:01,986 NOBODY CHEATED. GET IN THE CAR. 526 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,888 HOPE YOU DON'T GET AN AUDIT. 527 00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:24,509 [MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] 528 00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:31,883 HI. I'M JOHN GOODMAN. THANK YOU. 529 00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:34,886 WHAT YOU'VE JUST SEEN WAS A PLAY, 530 00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:36,888 A SILLY LITTLE PLAY CHOCK-FULL OF JOKES 531 00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:39,891 AND JUST FOR FUN, JUST FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT. 532 00:22:39,891 --> 00:22:42,393 I PERSONALLY HAVE NOTHING BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT 533 00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:43,895 FOR THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE 534 00:22:43,895 --> 00:22:44,896 AND ALL OF ITS DEDICATED WORKERS 535 00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:47,398 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE GREAT GUYS AND GALS 536 00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:50,902 AT THE IRS THAT KEEP AMERICA ROLLING. 537 00:22:50,902 --> 00:22:53,404 SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS. 538 00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,407 I GOT A CONTRACT WITH A PRODUCTION COMPANY, 539 00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:56,408 AND THEY HIRE WRITERS 540 00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:58,410 WHO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. 541 00:22:58,410 --> 00:23:00,912 FOR EXAMPLE, EARLY IN THE SHOW I GO-- 542 00:23:00,912 --> 00:23:02,313 IT WAS MY JOB TO SAY-- 543 00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:04,883 "IT'S A STUPID SYSTEM RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE," 544 00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,385 RIGHT? LIKE I BELIEVE THAT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, 545 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,888 I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAID ON THE SHOW. 546 00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:13,391 IT WAS MY JOB AS AN ACTOR. 547 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,894 SO I BEG YOU, PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE 548 00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:19,397 HARDWORKING, RESPONSIBLE, TAXPAYING JOHN GOODMAN 549 00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:22,901 WITH THAT LOVABLE BUT NAUGHTY SCAMP DAN CONNER. 550 00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:25,904 SO, TO THE MEN AND WOMEN AT THE IRS, 551 00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:26,905 MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU. 552 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:28,907 GOOD NIGHT. GOD BLESS. 553 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:31,910 CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org-- 37983

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