Original subtitles

Two words.

Sex.

Swing.

I wanted to find a way to say, "Thank you."

Are you currently sexually active?

I can't talk to him about this stuff…

Let's jump in.

I mean, you know… I'm probably fine.

I mean, this guy was a legitimate dating option.

Seriously, what are we doing here?

I should've shut it down right then.

What do you think?

I just didn't wanna ruin the perfect moment.

His attempts to be romantic…

...always ended up...

...falling short.

We all go a little crazy sometimes.

It was like, "How to seduce a woman", by Hannibal Lecter.

Oh, my God!

God! I loved golf.

Wait, no!

I'm just gonna leave this on her dresser for her.

Would you believe that...

...wasn't actually the most embarrassing part of this story?

I met my fiance John,

via the wonderful world of online dating.

He was sweet, charming, and...

-...always made me laugh. -Who's Dr Feelgood?

You are.

But he just didn't have the greatest sense of timing.

Hey babe!

John! What the hell?

His attempts to be romantic, always ended up...

...falling short.

I… thought you'd think it was sexy.

You know, spontaneous shower sex?

But it's hard to stay mad at someone who always had good intentions.

Plus, his klutziness always gave me plenty of things to talk about.

I will say this about him.

-That man can pick a good wine. -I know.

It's one of the many things I love about him.

Nick is my best friend...

...so I basically told him everything.

I mean, everything he does, he does with me in mind.

That's why I feel so bad when I get frustrated when things...

-Go to hell? -Exactly.

It's not his fault, he's just a klutz.

Ever since we got engaged,

John turned our sex into a major event.

-Is it still good? -Yes!

It's just nice to be normal, sometimes.

I just wish he realized that,

you know, it doesn't always have to so big and…

Give it a break!

You should be thrilled to be with a guy...

...who's willing to try new things!

I'm willing to try new things.

How about just a little, you know, old school,

by the book...

...vintage sex?

In a bed.

I was expecting the answer to all my problems…

Have you tried the sex swing thing yet?

I forgot what a horrible listener was.

No.

That is tragic!

It's that good?

It'll change your life.

That's a big statement.

I was intrigued, but...

...I just wanted to go back to the basics.

-Hey guys. -Hey!

Hey!

-Hey babe. -How are you?

I'm all right.

I really like Nick, but...

...it always made me a little nervous...

...when the two of them would get together…

So... what are you two up to?

Oh, just some girl talk.

Because I could always tell what they were talking about…

...our sex life.

Did you get the mail?

-Oh, no, I forgot. I'll go... -No, no, no.

I'll get it! I'm expecting a package.

-It's cool. -Okay.

-You guys catch up. -Yeah.

Shower curtain back up and operational?

That's what I was talking about…

...I had zero privacy.

Let me give you a little slice of incognito.

A little, slice of what?

The next time you guys…

-...you know. -Right.

I'd suggest just generic old bed stuff.

Really?

You know, I know my plans didn't always work out exactly as I planned,

but I thought...

...at least Alicia appreciated the effort.

I've been killing myself trying to be so…

...cool and adventurous for her.

For her?

Yeah!

I don't want her to get bored with me.

I mean look at her.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for guys to know...

...what women want in the bedroom?

It's intimidating.

I mean, between you and me.

I definitely "out-punted" my coverage.

If you know what I'm saying.

Yeah… I-I don't understand your sports metaphors...

...but I think I smell what you stepped in.

Yeah.

Well, I just...

...I just wanna make her happy, you know?

I just wanna do everything I can for her.

You are the cutest!

I heard what was saying…

...but trust me, I was doing her a favor.

Okay.

Forget everything I said.

Two words.

Sex.

Swing.

-Really? -Trust.

Nick knew Alicia better than anyone.

So for me, it was like having someone on the inside.

John…

He was like my wingman.

-Shower honey? -Yeah, sorry.

So we can go to dinner.

I knew what would make her happy.

And this time, I was determined not to mess it up.

What?

-Are you ready to feel about this big? -What do you mean?

I just talked to him,

and learned that he does all this crazy sex stuff for you!

Because he's worried, you'll lose interest in him.

I felt terrible.

Here, I had this great guy, killing himself trying to please me,

and I bitched about it.

How cute is that?

Said something about bunting his goalie or...

Look, he was trying to talk sports!

I feel like such a bitch right now.

You are such a bitch right now.

You gotta show him something new in the bedroom!

Make him feel like his efforts don't go unnoticed.

Like what?

I'll drop off a book for you.

I think you'll find it quite eye opening.

I was willing to try anything...

...to make sure John knew I appreciated him.

I just hope he doesn't plan anything else crazy…

...before I can make it up to him.

It bugged me the entire rest of the night.

I needed to try harder.

So the next day I decided to plan a little surprise for him instead.

I got home early and wanted to do something...

...totally unexpected.

But he beat me to it.

I could not believe it.

Clearly, Nick, had planted a little idea in his head.

I had never seen anything like that in my life...

...but I think what shocked me the most…

...is that John put it together.

I mean, he wasn't exactly a tool belt kind of guy.

Okay… let's see here.

God, it's like a horse's bridle.

This was some serious hardware he installed.

And we have vaulted ceilings!

Who built this? NASA?

I don't have like, half this stuff!

I would've paid a lot of money to see him in action at the hardware store.

Can I help you?

Yeah…

I'm looking for… you know, something that like…

...you know, kinda does this.

And then, goes into another thing…

...kinda like this.

You know?

Like a load bearing, strength bracket?

Like a, ball bearing, crankshaft… joint?

You can't just go into the store and be like...

"...Hey. Excuse me. Where's your sex swing installation kit?"

Well, at least I couldn't.

And-and your load is going to be attached to the...

...the ceiling, yeah.

How… large a load are you, looking to support?

Like... 140?

Maybe? I mean...

...she's definitely in sha... It's in-in shape.

Not she. That's ridiculous.

Really John?

One-forty?

I don't think so.

Well...

...we got a couple of options here.

Depending on the…

...nature of the device…

...within which, your…

...load is gonna be suspended.

It's for the bedroom.

Are you talking about a sex swing?

Why didn't you just come out and say it?

The poor guy went through so much trouble to put this together.

And I wanted to find a way to say, "Thank you."

I used to take gymnastics in high school...

...so I didn't think it'd be a problem.

I knew wouldn't be home for a while,

so I decided to run out.

Pick up her favorite bottle of wine...

...and have the whole mood set by the time she got home.

Hey, John!

Oh, hey, what's up, Nick?

-What are you up to? -Is Alicia home?

I brought her… a book.

I don't think so actually. I can give it to her.

-Oh, no, that's okay. -Oh, I don't mind.

Well, it's kind of a surprise.

So… can I just, leave it inside?

Sure man, whatever.

I'm just gonna leave this her dresser for her.

Okay.

I swear that thing became like a big, suspended, full body,

Chinese finger trap!

-Oh, girl! -Get out!

John!

Shut up!

What, what, what?

I'm not an expert on swings,

but I don't think she was in it right.

I told you it was gonna change your life.

Shut up!

Don't move, okay?

Get out!

Get out! Come on!

Hi…

-Yeah, come on. -Just...

Okay.

I'm afraid to ask, but did you even read the instructions?

-Yeah, exactly. -You know what?

I'm gonna be in the bath… getting drunk.

It took about a month before I felt normal.

John and I...

We decided that having hot sex...

...didn't necessarily mean tearing the house down.

And it turns out…

...Nick was right.

That sex swing really did change our lives forever.

Once we had it professionally installed.

There's an old saying,

something about golf being a great way to spoil a perfectly good walk.

Well, trust me, it can screw up a lot more than that.

Fore!

Oh, don't worry, he didn't die...

...but at the time I kinda wish I had.

Pregnant?

How?

You see when a man...

-...and a woman love each other... -No.

How does a 42-year-old gynecologist...

...suddenly become pregnant?

Shockingly, she did not include me in her family planning decisions.

Doctor Blake is picking up her overflow.

He's quite qualified, I can assure you.

She is now a he?

I'm not normally that cranky,

but the only gynecologist I'd ever seen...

...was going to be out for three months maternity leave.

I didn't want some strange guy seeing me naked,

feeling me up, and then slapping me with a bill for it.

Tessa Williams?

Shut up.

-Excuse me? -I'm…

Sorry. Never mind.

But the second Dr Blake walked in…

...I thought, well, "They did both go to med school."

Well, hello…

...Dr Blake.

Tessa.

Just shaking his hand made me warm…

...kind of all over.

So, 32, no problematic history.

Are you currently sexually active?

I know.

It's a standard question...

...but it just seemed so personal, coming from him.

Like, right now?

Well, not at this very second...

...but in general.

Any sexual partners? Boyfriend?

No sexual partners.

I'm thinking…

...I can't talk to him about this stuff…

...I mean, this guy, was a legitimate dating option.

Let's jump in.

I mean, you know…

I'm... I'm probably fine.

I should probably just postpone this until Dr Gregory has her baby.

I'd really recommend we get through this today.

You're already past overdue on your annual.

So my options were...

...walk out and never see him again…

...or smile and spread them.

Okay.

Okay.

If you can scoot down slightly?

A little more.

There I was trying to get comfortable with it all.

And I started to wonder if male gynecologists...

...have a med-school trained on-off button.

A little more this time.

One more.

I mean…

...does a degree automatically turn females into objects?

I don't mean sexual objects.

I mean just...

...objects… objects.

Perfect.

Alright, okay.

I sort of took it as my duty to test his professional boundaries…

...you know, for science!

Women must be falling all over themselves to be examined by you.

Well, with the hours I put in here,

the only women I ever meet are either contagious...

...or cadavers.

A single, handsome doctor with a sense of humor?

Yes please.

Everything looks good.

The test results should be back, next week.

And he just walked out,

like what had just happened was completely normal for him.

And yes, I realize that it was completely normal for him.

But it wasn't for me.

He was so cute.

How do I approach him now?

He was perfect.

Later that week, my friend Blair was over...

...and I was recanting the handsome doctor slash probably love-of-my-life story.

All you have to do is just run into him again.

-Someplace more… casual than... -My crotch?

Exactly.

I loved seeing Tessa excited about someone...

It'd been a very long time.

Maybe that's why she was so bad at the whole game.

She was pretty awful.

Freshly showered, new underwear, red lipstick…

...I was pretty much as irresistible as I'd ever get.

You can file those away Mrs Johnston.

Doctor Blake!

Tessa.

Sorry, your test results won't be in for…

...another week or so.

I wasn't here for that.

Actually I think something might be wrong...

...with my stomach.

I really should've thought it through in the car.

Well, that's not really my area.

I'd feel so much more comfortable if you took a look at it.

You can call me desperate...

...but I like to think of it as… resourceful.

So, how're things?

Fine.

I'm not hearing anything.

Have you had any problems with your bowels?

No!

I mean, no.

I needed to shift this conversation away from this area…

...and get it more into this area.

So… do you have anywhere you can go to relax?

I knew exactly where this was going.

Well I play the occasional round of golf on a Saturday.

I love golf!

What is it about American women and doctors?

We work long hours indoors, so we always look ill, we're...

...mostly boring,

any decent stock broker makes more money,

and we're ethically prohibited from dating patients.

I genuinely don't understand it.

But I thought... what the hell?

It's only harmless flirtations, so…

Do you know the fairway club?

I practically live there!

Suddenly, the most boring sport on Earth…

...became a total turn on.

Wow! Small world.

Perhaps I'll run into you some time.

I remember thinking,

"She obviously doesn't play golf, so it'll never happen."

So I'm going to recommend you visit a gastroenterologist.

And… voila.

Thank you.

Maybe we'll see each other out on the field sometime.

The… golf...

Course?

Sounds great!

I'd like that.

I didn't realize how desperate you were until I saw you dressed like that.

So, I asked Blair to join me for a round of golf.

I'm... I'm not...

...I'm not desperate!

-I'm just... -A stalker?

It is a coincidental meeting.

At a country club you don't belong to.

Whatever happened to unconditional "ignore the technicalities" friendship?

Hey!

Don't get all...

...logic-y on me.

Oh, my! Oh, my!

A stalker and a spaz...

...great combo.

-I'm so... I'm so… -excuse me!

Sorry.

Tessa?

Dr Blake!

Wow!

We ran into each other!

Would you like to join us?

We were just about to head out on a round.

Really? We were too!

Well, why don't we just make it a foursome then?

This is Sam. We went to med school together.

And just like that, I was having a foursome date with my doctor.

And this is probably a good time to tell you...

...that I've only mini-golfed before.

And there were casualties.

Just need to stretch a little. Yeah…

It's all about the stretch.

As a doctor,

I have an ethical responsibility to prevent injuries before they occur.

And Tessa...

...was a bloodbath waiting to happen.

You know, I'm beginning to think...

...that you're not actually a member of the golf club.

That you maybe… bumped into me here for an ulterior motive?

I was totally busted.

I'm told it's the accent.

American women love the accent.

I don't understand why they think we Brits sound so charming and intelligent...

...I finished 87th in my class...

...out of 103 students.

I needed to step in and save her ass.

We're gonna let you help my friend…

Sam and I are going to the 19th hole.

Yeah!

That's the clubhouse bar.

Tessa got the looks, and I've got the game.

We've always been a pretty good duo.

Am I holding the racquet right?

So you wanna grip just slightly higher on the club.

How does that feel?

Amazing.

You know I...

...I have to admit, doctor Blake.

I really love your accent.

See? I told you!

I love yours, too.

So… do you wanna grab dinner sometime?

-I… -Even if it's at the hospital cafeteria?

I can't.

I knew it.

Oh, my god…

...you're married.

No! It's not that, it's…

...it's just that it's…

...it's unethical.

Frigging ethics!

I can't date a patient.

What?

You mean like... like ever?

Sorry.

I could lose my license.

The Hippocratic oath is like 2500 years old!

It's not like I just made it up!

But hey, if...

...we weren't seeing each other, professionally…

...I would in a second.

Dear Dr Blake...

...I would like to send my sincerest thanks...

...for all the fine medical work you've done for me.

But the time has come to consider other medical options.

Respectfully, Tessa.

Take that, conflict of interest!

It was true watching put on the moves on this Dr Blake guy...

...was more entertaining than the entire fourth season of Downton Abbey.

Plus, there's a much better possibility for sex...

...but I was still worried about her.

It seems like a lot of work for a purely theoretical date.

It's not theoretical.

I think he might be "the one."

Oh, Lord.

The next day, I called his office to notify him, but he wasn't in…

...I had a pretty good idea of where I'd find him.

Stop, stop, stop.

Dr Blake!

Hey!

-Dr Blake. -Tessa.

Fancy seeing you here.

Most patients give up quick when they realize nothing's gonna happen,

but she was persistent.

Look, Dr Blake.

I need to talk to you.

We had a good run as doctor and patient, but…

...I think I'm gonna take my lady parts elsewhere.

I'm sorry?

You're fired, doc.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do with this.

You're no longer my doctor.

I got that.

So no more ethical dilemma.

You fired me…

...to date me?

For a doctor he was a little slow.

I know you're busy, and-and I have a career too…

but… I don't really get a lot of spare time either...

...and-and the time that I do have,

I think I want to spend with...

I was fired.

I was well within the ethical guidelines.

Sangria?

Yeah.

God, I loved golf.

So the key is... loose...

...but firm.

Gotcha.

Grip the club…

...at the bottom of the shaft…

Okay, this could take all day.

-Do you wanna go get some brunch? -Yeah.

I've been Tessa's wing-woman long enough...

...to know when to fly off on my own.

Take all the time you need.

And hey…

...I had a doctor to work on too.

Does this count as… our first date?

What is it?

Terrible timing is all.

And here it comes…

What? Is-is there like a...

...a statute of limitations that says you have to wait a month...

...after you get fired to date a patient or something?

It's just that my stint here is… done.

-I'm heading back to Texas. -What?

Texas?

That white, pasty skin would last 15 minutes in Texas.

It was a four-month program...

...and as of yesterday...

...it's done.

When do you leave?

Tonight.

Oh, come on!

There was only one thing left to do…

We should go somewhere other than the fairway.

Tessa.

The fresh air, the warm sun on our kind-of partially naked bodies,

the complete panic that we might never see each other again…

...it was sexy and exciting and spontaneous.

Fore!

But…

Doctor... Dr Blake?

At first I thought,

maybe it was little too much for the good doctor to handle?

D-Dr Blake?

Excuse me?

Did you see a maxi-fly… 3 come around here?

There it is.

Do...

...do you need a doctor?

No.

I got one.

So, he had a slight concussion and missed his flight…

...I'd like to say he changed his mind and stayed with me.

But he didn't.

We did the long distance thing at the start.

Then Tessa joined me in Texas.

We got married on a golf course.

And a year later, we celebrated Blair and Sam's wedding.

I love golf.

I've always been a big time skeptic…

...I grew up believing ghosts...

...were just something people just made up....

Oh, my God!

…until I experienced it for myself.

So… you guys broke up?

Well… I don't know if it constitutes as a breakup.

We were only dating for like three weeks.

I've known my best friend, Carrie, my entire life.

Okay what was it this time?

You didn't like the way he pronounced the "T" in "exactly?"

He preferred spicy brown mustard over the original? What?

She's the only person that can call me out on my BS.

I just felt like we didn't have very many similar interests.

You met in a Dental Assistant Kickball League.

What other similar interests do you need?

Like football.

He was a huge fan and I knew nothing about it.

So? He could have taught you.

What am I supposed to do?

Just pretend to like something because the guy I'm dating does?

Yes!

Do you think I go camping with Troy because I like it?

Do you think my bare ass enjoys squatting,

praying there's no poison ivy,

while being on constant alert for cannibal Hillbillies while doing my business?

I pooped in a hole!

Carrie had been married for 2 years,

and was on my case to find...

..."the one."

It's what we all do...

...pretend to love the dumb stuff that our men are into.

And they do it for us.

I can promise you Troy would rather wax his testicles...

...than go to another ballroom dancing class.

But guess where we'll be tomorrow?

Learning the Waltz, that's where.

That was true.

I had a tendency to run away when things got too serious in relationships.

But, I was finally at that point in my life where I was…

...looking for love.

What?

I'm just picturing you squatting over a hole...

-...cursing at Troy... -Yeah.

...looking out for the Texas machete massacre guy.

Sorry, it's actually chainsaw massacre.

I think it's rude when people interrupt.

But…

when I looked up, I was like…

...interrupt away!

Sorry, didn't mean to eavesdrop.

I don't usually go for the goth types, but…

...there was just something about this guy.

I mean, obviously I knew it was Texas chainsaw massacre.

I was just saying machete 'cause it's a much more… effective weapon.

You know… it's quieter…

...you can sneak up on the co-eds better.

Fair point.

But come on, don't you think there's something like extra intimidating...

...about the idea of getting killed...

...by this huge hulking gas-powered power tool?

Totally.

It was the most disturbing form of flirting...

...I had ever been a part of.

So you like horror films?

Lori, loves horror!

Poop in the hole, Lori.

Just so you know…

...I hated horror movies.

I love movies of…

...the horror variety.

If I'd only known then.

Cool. Can I... get you another drink?

Actually my friend and I are...

Sure.

I couldn't believe my luck!

The most beautiful girl who had ever spoken to me,

and she was into horror films.

No way! You have seen Ghost Omen?

Of course I have!

No.

I hadn't.

And you liked it?

Okay, I'm not gonna go as far as to say it was my favorite movie that year,

because that one movie was released.

You know, the one with the kid?

-Pre-school Hell? -Yes.

-Yes. -Thank you.

Yes! Pre-school Hell.

Faking it was easy.

There's just a handful of horror cliches to pick from.

Everyone is an idiot...

...the little kid is possessed, and sex will get you killed.

Can I take you on a date this week?

I think… that would be great.

I figured, "Hey."

"What's the harm in playing along?"

Once we spent time together,

he'd get to know the real me.

So you hate iced coffee because you drink it too fast.

Well, I'm glad we got that out in the open right away.

Now, we have no secrets moving forward.

Exactly!

So tell me about your family.

-Siblings? -Two.

Two.

Jason made me feel really comfortable.

It was a nice change.

She's one of those people that makes you feel like there's...

...no one else in the room.

We talked for so long, that we, completely lost track of time.

Oh, shoot! We better go!

We… still have like an hour's drive to get to the film.

An hour? Where are we going?

You'll see.

Funny thing was…

...I wasn't even a movie fan.

I guess… I was just trying to...

...as Carrie would say, "Poop in the hole."

There was only one thing in the world...

...I hated more than horror movies…

...clowns.

Oh, look at all the blood!

Welcome to hell!

And that was just the first date.

I underestimated just how into horror Jason was...

...but I really liked him.

So, maybe I'd learn to… like…

...horror?

She heard the voice again...

...this time it was in the hallway.

It was getting closer…

...she heard the nails scrape against the walls!

Every single date…

...had something to do with either a serial killer or an evil spirit.

You have summoned the pig man on her!

It was fun.

If peeing your pants a little...

...is your kind of fun.

But I guess I felt like it was my own fault...

...and I had to see it through.

It's been two months,

how can I possibly tell him now?

I'd made my bed.

And now...

...I was gonna get murdered in it.

He's gonna find out sooner or later.

Yeah, but he's gonna think our entire relationship...

...is based off a lie.

Your entire relationship is based on a lie.

She kinda had a point.

But... the whole thing was also kinda her fault in the first place.

And the sex?

We haven't really gotten there yet.

It's been two months!

Well we're not all morally disturbed as you, Carrie.

Besides I was thinking… this Friday will be the night.

I was kind of old-fashioned.

And...

...I didn't like to make the first move.

Oh, my god!

I know what you should do.

This is so perfect.

Date night...

...sex night…

...in a cemetery.

What?

-No. -Why not?

Who the hell has sex in a graveyard?

Weirdos like your boyfriend.

I should've shut it down right then.

Seriously, think about it.

It will be the greatest thing that ever happened to him.

Okay.

We climax with sex in a cemetery…

...and then,

I tell him that I wanna put this whole horror thing...

...behind us and he agrees.

How did I ever think...

...this was a good plan?

What are we doing here?

Just… come on.

I don't know, I thought maybe I'd read things wrong.

I was sure this was going to be the night we were gonna...

...you know… but then she drags me to a graveyard.

Seriously, what are we doing here?

What do you think?

I knew that my surprise was a big hit right away.

That's the moment I remember thinking…

Lori's like really, really into horror.

You are incredible.

I'm glad you liked it.

I was about to break the news...

...when…

God, I can't believe we're in tune on so many levels.

Yeah…

I just didn't wanna ruin the perfect moment.

It just went so well,

I-I didn't want to get into it then and there.

Well, now you realize you never can.

You're in too deep.

No, I'm not.

You absolutely are.

This is the emo grave that you have dug...

...and now you have to lie in it.

Really?

He's taking me out tonight.

Put on the wig and push up those pasty white boobs, Elvira.

Carrie had a point...

...the longer I waited to tell him...

...the harder it would be.

-Hello. -Hello.

Where are we going?

Just relax… and trust me.

I figured,

you can't give someone bad news...

...while wearing a blindfold.

I'll come clean…

...after the surprise.

Alright, just come this way.

We were obviously outside…

...so I told myself...

..."Maybe we're having a picnic?"

At night.

I know… I was in complete denial.

The year was 1942,

and a young lady named Janet was in love.

She met Donald at a USO dance...

...they soon fell madly in love...

...and were married in the spring...

...before Donald was shipped off to war in the South Pacific.

It started off as a sweet innocent story…

...like the Shining...

...the Exorcist...

...Paranormal Activity.

But Donald never returned home.

Upon hearing of her husband's demise...

...Janet took her own life.

She cut her wrists in the home that she and her husband purchased...

...before he was deployed for war.

A home...

...that she is still said to dwell within…

It was like, "How to seduce a woman" by Hannibal Lecter.

The home that Janet and Donald shared in this lifetime.

I just want you to know...

...how much you mean to me.

And how much the other night meant to me.

And I have never met anyone like you, Lori.

Of course.

What could I expect?

I created this monster.

Are you crazy?

We all go a little crazy sometimes.

What does that mean?

Oh, come on, it's from Psycho.

Who wants to have sex in a haunted house?

How was he not scared?

I was so terrified...

...I wasn't even sure that I'd be able to…

...perform.

It was pretty hard to concentrate...

...so I decided to keep my eyes closed,

and just imagine we were in some swanky hotel room.

I... almost started getting into it.

That was until…

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Lori?

Lori?

Lori?

New blanket.

Once we got home I told Jason the truth.

And we realized we were just trying to one-up each other.

So now, the scariest thing we watch is a political documentary.

They're terrifying.