All language subtitles for Mary and Jane s01e05 Rehab.eng

(cars honking).

(Jordan) Ugh, Mother
of Moses, it is hot.

I don't have a single body part
that's not sweating right now.

I know... God, you know
how everyone's always, like,

you're so lucky to live in L.A.

It's so sunny all the time.

Do they have butt sweat
11 months out of the year?

I would stab you for an
ocean breeze right now.

I'm so hot, I've literally
sweated my boobs off,

Look at this. Do you see this?

Can you stop Tindering
and listen to me complain?

I mean, just look at these guys.

Data entry.

IT manager.

Insurance sales? Ugh!

Wait.

Oh, this guy used to be the
backup drummer for Fall Out Boy.

Motorcycle.

Padlock necklace. Right!

Wait... Where'd he go?

Why aren't we a match?

What happened to that ring
your mom gave you for Christmas?

Oh, you know that guy Todd
that I dated for a while?

He kinda stole it.

Well, he was super in debt
from getting his tattoo license.

He's a true artist.

I mean, your ring, my boobs?

There's a lot going missing right now.

Oh, my God, I don't want my
skin to be touching my skin.

Aaaaahh!

Whoa... This place is huge.

It looks just like Bachelorette Manor.

Psst! Mary and Jane?

Yeah, that... That's us.

Awesome.

Hey, do you guys mind if
we do the exchange out here?

I got dogs in the house, ring the
bell, they start barking, it's a mess.

Yeah, yeah, no prob,
I love dogs. Thanks.

Cool house by the way.

Do you mind if I ask what you do?

Tech... Yeah, actually, Mark
Zuckerberg stole Facebook

from the guy who stole it from me, so.

I don't... Is that true?

(scoffs) Is that true?

Doug? They're looking for you.

You're late for group.

Oh, right-o, man. Right-o.

I guess I'll see you ladies
in mindfulness therapy, huh?

Holy crap.

Did we just deliver
drugs to a guy in rehab?

- Huh?
- (loud splash)

What?

I would stab you to get in that pool.

I kind of feel like you mean it now.

Are you two supposed to
be in group right now?

Oh... No, no, no, we don't belong here.

Oh, if I had a dollar for
every patient who said that.

Now, would you like robes for
the spa or towels for the pool?

- No, we really...
- Uh, yes. Yes, we would.

(Jordan) "Here at Becomings,

we offer our patented six-step program."

Half the steps at twice the price.

Damn, rich people get
to do everything better.

Look at this spa menu.

They have a 15-hands massage.

Paige! 15 hands!

So, does one masseuse have one hand?

Or does one masseuse have three hands?

Serenity bell chimes and
then, with warm jojoba oil,

scented with the essence
of blah-blah-blah...

15 hands, I'm in.

Jordan, we cannot stay here.

It's fine.

We'll just stay here for a little bit

then we'll skip out.

Vagina steam?

I don't even know what that is.

Put me down for 3:00. Thank you.

-
I own everything, baby

Come on, mouth. Make room!

(bell tolling)

Do you hear that? It's a serenity bell.

That means someone is
getting a 15-hands massage

and tomorrow, that
somebody's gonna be me.

We're staying here overnight?

Yeah, dude. They have central air.

And I clocked a vacant room
just past that smoothie bar.

Wait a minute, is that...

I think that's Chris!

Do you remember him?

He was that super sweet
guy that I slept with

and he thought I was a prostitute,

but it a really just a
mix-up stemming from that time

that you slept with
one of our customers.

I'm looking forward to
when you let that go.

We went on one date after
that, but he was just so...

Chris.

I had to ghost him.

I wonder what he's doing in rehab.

He looks like...

taller...

Or broader or something.

Hello, ladies. Enjoying the facilities?

Amazing.

The vagina steam fell a little
bit short of my expectations.

So your Miscellaneous Addictions
group session starts in five minutes.

That's not our group. Thank you, though.

Well, I've been watching you two all day

and you know, I couldn't help but notice

that you haven't reported
to a single group session,

and therapy is mandatory for patients.

Unless, of course, you aren't patients

and you just snuck in
here to use the facilities.

(both laughing)

Miscellaneous addictions.

That... I didn't hear that part.

That is our group.

Yeah, our addictions definitely fall

into the miscellaneous category.

Jordan!

French pastries!

Not again!

Welcome to Miscellaneous Addictions.

Please keep your shares
to under five minutes

and never, ever, ever share
without the talking stick.

Thanks. Ahem.

Um, hi. I'm Doug.

(all) Became, become, be Doug!

Yeah... uh... I'm a workaholic.

I'm super addicted

to working on super
secret government projects.

Uh, Doug...

I'm addicted to my stormy,
yet passionate relationship

with Emma Stone, with
whom I share two children.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

(sighs deeply) I'm addicted to lying.

Although I did meet Emma Stone.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. (sobbing)

Thank you, Doug.

Chris?

Uh, hey. I'm Chris.

(all) Became, become, be Chris!

Chris.

I wonder when it's gonna
get better, you know?

I still crave it.

I still wake up in sweats

because I can't sleep
through the night without it.

And I'm still afraid
to get close to anyone,

because I'm always
sneaking off to get my fix.

(whispering) I feel
like you dodged a bullet.

- Jordan.
- What?

- Shh.
- Would you like to share?

What?

Yeah, I'll share, I don't mind.

Uh, hi. I'm Jordan.

(all) Became, become, be Jordan!

Um, if I'm addicted to anything,

it's probably just work and success

and general bad-assery
and just, you know,

pimping hoes and clocking the grip,

so that's me and I'd like
to go back to the pool now.

Are you uncomfortable with emotion?

What?!

No, I love emotions.

Happiness, elation, joy.

Yes, please!

What was the green
character in "Inside-Out"?

- Disgust!
- That resonated with me.

Emotions are like my sweatpants,
that's how comfortable I am in...

Emotion. Yah.

Okay.

Let's break for trust falls.

(sobbing) And then there was Noah.

And he threw a party at my apartment.

But then he slept with two
of my best friends, in my bed.

Then there was Pete.
Do you remember Pete?

Oh, Pete!

He stole her identity and then
used it to get credit cards

and then bought all these plane
tickets with her credit cards...

Jordan.

The talking stick is
with Paige right now.

Well, Paige.

It seems like you've got an open heart,

but maybe you're drawn
to destructive people.

Maybe I am.

Excellent, Paige.

Well, I'm afraid that's all
the time we have for today.

Good work.

Most of you.

Until we meet again.

Love and light, dear friends.

I gotta go... That guy
David is zeroing in on me

and it's Popsicle-o'-clock at the pool.

Okay, I'll catch up with you.

- Hey, Chris.
- Hey.

Hey.

It's crazy that we're both
here in rehab together.

Yeah.

God, Chris, I'm...

I feel really bad about
how everything went down

and I know after we went on that date,

- you texted me a couple times and...
- Eight.

I texted... I texted you eight times.

- Was it that many?
- Mm-hmm.

Um, eight times.

Well, I was in a really messed-up place

and I guess I wish I'd known
you were having a hard time, too,

because maybe we could have
been there for each other.

Yeah, I don't think
you could have helped.

It was messy.

Some of it was dark.

I like dark.

You know, sometimes people are
just a little more interesting

and complicated than you might think.

(bell tolling)

Jordan.

Oh! Hello.

Beautiful sound, isn't it?

You know, that bell is from
an ancient monastery in Tibet?

And it's only rung
during the sacred ritual

that begins the 15-hand massage.

Mm-hmm. I've read about it.

And I am very much
looking forward to mine.

But right now, I'm
late for a seaweed wrap,

so I'll bid you adieu.

Jordan.

I can't stop thinking
about your problem.

I don't have a problem.

I mean, I do, but, like,
the regular sort of problem

for which one might go to rehab.

I'm talking about your inability
to express sincere emotion.

There's no healing without feeling.

There's no denying crying.

Not with a fox, not
in a box. (chuckling)

(clears throat) I can cry.

I cry all the time,
I'm just holding back

because I'm feeling...

vulnerable...

here.

(sobbing)

Good God, it's worse than I thought.

You're dealing with
severe emotional blockage.

You might be right.

And I would love to stay
here and talk about it, just,

after my seaweed wrap and then
maybe like, 20, 30 minutes max

in the saline pool, okay?

Wait, are you crying?

I'm so sorry, just give me a moment.

I am so moved by your struggle.

Now, we do things
differently here at Becomings,

but I assure you, that
it is very effective

if you will simply
commit to the program.

Look around you.

Why do you think all of
these people keep coming back

year after year after year?

But I thought the point of rehab
was, like, not to come back.

Oh, Jordan.

Do any of us ever stop
becoming his or her best self?

Oh... My child.

Come with me.

We have so much work to do.

And by so much work, do
you mean seaweed wrap?

(Bleep) David spa-blocked me hard today.

He took me to his office

and made me take a
200-question psychological test.

I didn't get a test. Just come here and,

like, pull a nose hair
or something and I'll cry.

Well, I'm not gonna be able
to do that in front of David.

We could distract him.

Maybe instead you should focus on

finding your deeper emotional issue.

I don't have a deeper emotional issue.

Jordan.

You're, like, my best
friend in the whole world,

and all I want for you
is to be happy, but...

You know, sometimes
in order to be happy,

you just have to be sad and...

I just love you so much.

Are you tearing up?!

Could you do it again
and I'll take notes?

(knocking)

Just a minute!

All right.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I thought you'd wanna hang.

See what kind of
trouble we can get into.

Really?

Became, become, but use a be-condom!

-

Okay, you ready?

What is all of this?

It's from David's office.

I broke into the cabinet

where they keep all the stuff
they confiscate from patients.

I guess this little guy is
addicted to being adorable.

Oh, I almost forgot.

For you.

Look, I know we didn't get a lot of time

to get to know each other before,

but I really want to
get to know you now,

and I just want you to know

that no matter what you have
to tell me, I promise you,

I won't be afraid.

It's not my first time here.

Really?

I mean, I'm so sorry.

I was doing great for almost a year.

But then, the next thing
you know, I am in a Costco,

and it's August, and...

it is all out in front of me.

- Three months early.
- God.

Then, all of a sudden, the
mini bars are everywhere.

Even in the dentist's office.

Whoa... What kind of
dentist has a mini bar?

The minis are the
gateway to the full size

and the full size are the
gateway to the king size.

But you don't feel like a king,

because the next thing you know,

it is Halloween night and
you are lying on the floor

dressed like an astronaut,

licking the wrappers like an animal.

I'm sorry, what are we talking about?

I'm addicted to chocolate, Paige.

You're addicted to chocolate?

I am.

But I'm gonna get through it this time.

One day at a time, you know?

You know, I just realized,
I'm late for group.

It's midnight.

Well, addiction never rests... Bye!

(sighing deeply) Oh.

Oh.

Okay, David, I am very
excited and interested

to hear the results of my test,

but my 15-hands massage
is in ten minutes

and I feel it would be bad
for my recovery if I missed it.

Jordan.

Feeling real emotion is
going to be the first step

in breaking you out of
this self-imposed prison.

Listen, I'm gonna level with you

and just tell you the complete truth.

(sighs) I'm afraid I'm addicted to weed,

and I do it because it helps me

to manage the anxiety
of becoming an adult

and going into business for
myself, selling marijuana,

and yes, my mother was way
too busy with her own problems

to worry about mine.

And my parents' divorce was difficult,

and weed was a great
way to dull the pain.

It helped me to suppress feelings

that were just... too hard
to deal with at the time.

Holy shit!

I've been repressing all of this stuff.

With weed!

Wait!

Dave... I...

Like, I didn't believe in any
of this, but this is a big...

breakthrough... David!

Thank you.

I... I...

And I still have time for my massage!

- Thank you.
- Not so fast.

Weed?

Come now, Jordan.

That's barely an illegal drug.

I think it's best if we spend
the next hour working on this.

Now, when I say the following words,

I want you to use one word
to describe how you feel.

Trust.

My massage is in five minutes.

One word, please.

My-massage-is-in-five-minutes.

Let's try another.

Looks like this little guy
is addicted to being adorable.

Could you shut up?

I'm reading.

(bell tolling)

(David) Friendship.

15 hands.

Toast.

Massage.

- Community.
- (bell stops tolling)

Gone. (sobbing)

And breakthrough.

(sobbing) What?

Time for group.

(Paige) So I met this guy recently,

and we had a great time together,

but I started distancing myself
from him because he was too...

nice.

You know what? I realize now

that I do that all of the time.

And I mean, what... what does
that say about me, you know,

that I date these guys because I think

that I don't deserve
any better than that?

Well, you know what?

No!

No more.

Because I am worth more than that.

Congratulations, Paige.

You have reached a
new level of becoming.

(all) Became, becoming, be Paige!

_

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, I'm so sorry.

For what?

You're just, like, this really nice guy

and I think before today,
that would have scared me away,

but I don't know.

Since being here, I've
realized that maybe I'm ready

to be with someone
who's gonna be nice to me

rather than someone who's gonna,
I don't know, steal my stereo.

That's such a relief.

I thought that you had
been, like, scared off

- by my boring addiction for some reason.
- No!

So I actually broke into David's office

and stole some heroin to impress you.

You're kidding, right?

Yeah, totally.

- Um, about the heroin.
- Oh...

Excuse me.

Can I see you and your friend Jordan

in the office for a moment?

Uh... Uh, yeah, yeah.

Of course, great. Be right there!

- So ladies,
- _

we need to update your
credit card information,

because we have no card for you on file.

We actually have
nothing for you on file,

but we do have a record
of your stay so far.

So it's $30,000 for
the standard rehab fee.

Another $5,000 in spa charges.

$600 for Becoming's swimsuits.

Oh, and $500 for your 15-hand massage

that you failed to cancel
within the four-hour window.

Oh, is that all?

And do you offer an installment plan?

We do.

It's one payment, in full.

- Are they following us?
- I don't know.

I'm too afraid to turn around.

(Chris) Paige? What's going on?

Um, turns out maybe we're
not supposed to be here!

I'll call you.

(alarm blaring)

_

Wait... What the hell are you doing?

Okay, we can go.

Hey!

I've got heroin!

Oooof!

Go, go, go, go!

Hyah!

Here!

I got it!

Go, go!

Oh!

Oh, they're dragging Chris off!

Oh, he really did steal the heroin.

- What a nice guy!
- Paige!

- Sorry.
- Hey, Paige.

Oh, hey, Doug.

Uh, I just wanted to
come and say thank you.

For what?

Look, I know you're not a real patient,

but what you said in group the
other day about self-esteem,

it really resonated with me.

It made me realize
that my compulsive lying

was just a way to inflate my self-worth

and now I feel like I don't
have to do that anymore.

Doug... I am so proud of you.

Thanks.

Tell them I'm not here.

Oh, I don't do that anymore. Please!

Hey, Doug.

Have you seen Jordan and Paige?

Yeah, they're both
here, right in the bush.

And they're huge drug dealers,
and I bought drugs from them,

and I buffed one out in the massage oil.

Aren't you proud of me?

Damn it, Doug! I ain't
got time for your bullshit.

I'm not bullshitting...
They're right here in the bush.

Let's check inside. It's
like a foot away, dude.

Just look in the bush,
they're right there.

Hey, Paige?

Do you really feel like you
deserve to date assholes?

'Cause that's kinda crazy.

Well, not anymore.

Didn't you hear about my breakthrough?

You don't need anybody
to tell you you're okay.

'Cause you're okay.

Oh, thanks.

You ready to go back to our hot,
sweaty, disgusting apartment?

Yeah.

And guess what I'm
gonna turn into a bong!

You know, being in
that place for two days

made me really grateful that

we're not addicted to anything.

What?

I don't know, something.

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