All language subtitles for Mary and Jane s01e04 Jeneeuary.eng

Hey.

I have something amazing to tell you.

I was on my way back from
a delivery to Patchouli Julie...

Smells like sophomore year.

But, I was driving down Hyperion,

and look at what I saw.

Paige, every other building
in town has that tag.

Soft Serve is like
the HPV of street art.

No, no, no, Jordan. Look at my face.

I'm not upset at all.

I mean, I didn't cry or blast Adele,

or obsessively stalk him on Instagram.

Don't you realize what this means?

I am finally over Soft Serve.

Good for you.

Hey, what is all this stuff?

Uh, this is a useless box
of crap that my mom sent me.

It's, like, old report cards, CDs.

What the hell am I supposed to
do with old calling cards?

Do these things even work anymore?

But all of this is just
an excuse to send me these.

"How to avoid being Single
and Childless by 30."

Oh, "The Twenty-Something's

Guide to Not Wasting Your Twenties."

I'm throwing it all out.

Oh, there's another package that
came addressed to both of us.

I thought you might
want to open something, too.

Aww.

(Jen?e's recording)
Wazaaap!

You've been invited to Jen?e's

'90s themed birthday party.

So bust out the scrunchies,
crack open your Goosebumps,

but don't tell your friends,

because could this party
be any more exclusive?

There's a pre-party dinner,
a post-party brunch,

a post-brunch hike.

This isn't a party invitation.

This is, like, a vacation itinerary.

What, is she celebrating
for the whole month?

- Yeah, it's Jen?euary.
- Good one.

No, that's literally
what she's calling it.

See? "Jen?euary."

"Come celebrate the decade of my birth."

- (whining)
- _

God, narcissists throw themselves

the best birthday parties.

She even has sponsors.

Uh, drinks by Starving Girl vodka.

Edibles by Mary and Jane.

Beats by Soft Serve.

I'm not going.

_

First of all, you're going to this party

because it's a work thing.

Who's gonna help me put out
the baked goods?

Who's gonna help me hang the pot-?ata?

I forgot about the pot-?ata.

Yeah, we are gonna get
so many customers from this.

People aren't gonna be able to
beat a super-stoned donkey

with a stick without
thinking about Mary and Jane.

It's one thing for me to see
his art on the street

but I didn't think I was
gonna have to see him in person.

I don't know how I'm gonna react.

What if I cry?

What if I throw myself at him
in desperation?

What if I get drunk and take off
my top and start a fistfight?

I don't want to invalidate
your feelings, but, like,

that last thing would be awesome.

I'm just saying, it's too soon.

Paige, don't give him this power.

It's not up to him to decide
whether you miss this party.

He's not your fun lord.

Okay, if anything,
you have to go to this party.

Have the time of your life
right in front of him.

- He doesn't get to decide.
- Exactly!

If anything, he should be
nervous about seeing me.

He should be terrified!

You're right.

I will go to this party.

He's not my fun lord.

I am my own fun lord. And you know what?

Maybe I will get drunk
and take off my top

and start a fistfight.

I swear, I would pay money to see that.

Hey, do you think this is '90s enough.

God, I had the perfect '90s item.

I had an original 8-ball jacket.

Of course, that's the thing
my mom got rid of.

It's 'cause my dad gave it to me
after they got divorced.

And yeah, his younger girlfriend
Shana did have the same jacket.

I mean, Shana was rad.

She taught me to do a fishtail braid.

She took me to see "Hellraiser 3."

My mom got rid of the jacket
because she hated Shana.

Look at this, she highlighted stuff.

"Chapter 3: Does your haircut
make you unemployable?"

Does it specify the haircut?

This has to stop.

She hasn't changed her outgoing
message in, like, 20 years.

- Leave your number after the beep...
- Number after the beep.

You don't have to worry.

- I'll get back to you in a hurry.
- (beep)

Hey, mom, look,
I got your box of useless crap

and I just want to say that
I don't need any more old CDs

and I don't need any VHS tapes
of "Quantum Leap."

So you can stop using them as an excuse

to send me self-help books,

because I am fine.

Maybe I should send you books

about how to treat
your daughter like an adult

and not give away her favorite jacket.

I'm sorry.

I wish there was something I could do.

_

Hola, chicas.

Oh, my God. This party is so bomb,

it's gonna be strapped to a bus
with Keanu Reeves.

- '90s.
- Oh, my God! Ginger Spice.

Girl power!

What is that?

Oh, is that what they used to say?

I'm actually too young
to remember the Spice Girls

when they really happened...
I just love the dress.

Anyway, so we've got '90s
karaoke, a Zima bar,

a photo booth with
the fountain from "Friends,"

and of course, the hottest DJ in L.A....

Usually you have to book him
eight months in advance,

but this time, he made an exception,

'cause we're, like, supes tight
these days.

Hey, Paige, would it be weird for you

if Soft Serve and I started dating?

I mean, I would never,
because we're such good friends.

Unless it wouldn't be weird

because we're not such good friends?

- Wait, what?
- Anyway, we can talk about this later.

(Jen?e, fading)
I'm so happy you guys came...

(dance music playing)

Paige, what are you doing?

Looking like I'm having fun.

Well, it looks like you're
airing out your pits.

Hey, I have to fake it
'til I believe it.

It's like the woman
who does the TED talk

about posing like Superman.

If you hold the confident
superhero pose long enough...

I know, I know, you can't get
hit by real bullets.

You didn't watch it 'til the end.

You don't need a TED talk.

What you need is a drink.

- Stay right here.
- Okay.

But please come back quickly.

It's hard for me to look like
I'm having fun by myself.

Oh, but I do know how to juggle.

Just wait for me, okay?

I like your outfit.

Who are you? Kriss or Kross?

Isn't it obvious?

- And you are?
- Felicity.

Dear Sally,

Ben is so cute, but Noah's so nice.

I'm thinking about cutting my hair,

and it won't be the worst mistake

I've ever made in my life, will it?

So, uh, we could stand in line
for another 20 minutes

for some super-lame themed cocktails,

or we could go check out my '93 Bronco

and line up some super lethal kush.

Yeah, I don't know,
my friend's about to, like,

put on a clown nose over there.

But a real OJ-style Bronco
at a '90s-themed party?

I mean, it would be
a shame not to at least see it.

I mean, how could my mom not
think I'm successful?

It's like,
I run my own (bleep) business.

But she never got me, you know?

I wish she was more like Shana,
who was my dad's girlfriend.

She was so badass.

Not like Barry, my stepdad, who, like,

went to the basement and played
with his ham radio.

You know, Shana and I had,
like, matching 8-ball jackets.

Shana was cool.

- She...
- (door slamming)

Dear Sally,

looks like it's not gonna work
out between me

and the hot Bronco girl.

(dance music playing)

Have you seen that DJ?

I'm gonna ride him like
the front bike in my spin class.

Damn it, Jordan.

God, I knew she was gonna do this.

Damn.

I would give anything to go back
and get that 8-ball jacket.

That'd be so cool, right?
The '90s were pretty dope.

Man, I wish I could go back to the '90s.

(crashing)

(chimes tinkling)

Where is everybody?

How far away did this girl park?

Oh, my God...

I'm back in the '90s.

Ooh, get two Jen?es. One on each bicep.

(phone ringing)

Oh, my God, Paige, I can't
believe this call went through.

- That's amazing.
- Jordan, where the hell are you?

Paige, I... I don't know
how to tell you this,

but somehow, I've...

I've traveled back in time to the '90s.

- You what?
- I don't even know

how long this call is gonna last.

It must be some sort of ripple
in space-time, or just, like,

a really advanced feature
on the new iPhone.

Jordan, you always do this.

Every time you get high,
you disappear for an hour

because you say you saw someone

who looks like the genie from "Aladdin."

No, Paige, if you could see
what I'm seeing, it's crazy.

There's a payphone.
The receiver isn't even torn off.

Paige, Mario Lopez is on TV, okay?

He looks exactly
like he did in the '90s.

There's no other explanation.
I've... I've traveled in time.

Oh, my God, Jordan,
I cannot do this on my own.

He's my Mr. Big!

Okay, hey, I can be there for you.

All I have to do is live out
the next 20 years.

And then go to that party.

So get ready, because I'm about
to walk through that door

20 years older, right about...

Now.

Am I still hot?

You didn't walk in.

Oh, my God, that means...

That means I die.

That means I die
before I can go to the party.

Look at a photo of me.
Am I disappearing?

I'm hanging up now.

No, no, no, no, Paige!

I love you and there's $500, okay?

It's in your sock drawer
where I keep my vibrator.

God damn it!

Time to summon the fun lord.

Fun Lord.

Oh!

Jesus, Paige!

You just hit me in the left tit!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I was blindfolded.

No, we didn't...
We didn't even spin you.

And look at my pot-?ata!
You've ruined it!

How is anyone gonna smoke that weed?

It's soaking wet.

And I am not paying for that.

Okay, that...

That was the best thing
that I have seen all night.

The best.

Looks like I needed to be
more humiliated.

No, no, I'm not being sarcastic,
look, it was truly funny.

I think you had the courage to
do what we all were thinking.

So...

Can I get you a drink?

A Jen?e-arita, or a Jen?e-ito?

No, no.

Maybe a left tit and tonic.

How about a tit-quila sunrise?

There you go.

Time travel log.

The question is, how do I get back?

I don't have a DeLorean.

But there's some reason I was sent here,

and only by fixing something in the past

will I be able to return to the present.

Whoa!

Shana had these boots, too.

Man, you guys have everything.

Hey, don't get rid of any of this, okay?

It is all coming back.

I remember this one time,
Shana took my friend and I

to see a Slayer concert... I mean, like,

we were too young to get in,
but she went in anyway,

so we hung out in the parking lot

with these cool scalpers.

Shana didn't play by the rules.

Shana didn't care.

Shana was...

A whore.

Oh, my God!

No wonder my mom hated her so much.

My dad left her for some skank

who left me alone
in a stadium parking lot?

My poor mother.

Okay, wait for it...

No, wait.

Ta-da!

Get the (bleep) out.

No way. How did you do this?

When I was in middle school,
I got Jack in the Box E. coli

and pretty much stayed home
for two weeks

and just watched music videos
and practiced origami and I...

Wow, I've never said that out loud

to another human before.

That's so embarrassing.

I think it's adorable.

I think you're adorable.

Okay, uh, I'm gonna spoil you.

I'm gonna go get you a Zima.

- Ooh.
- Oh, I know.

Don't go anywhere.

Hey, sweet pea.

Oh, hey.

Uh, hey.

I'm sorry I didn't come
say hello before.

Jen?e's got me working my ass off.

She's gone birthday-zilla
on me tonight, you know?

But, you look amazing.

It's good to see you.

- Thanks.
- Who's that guy you're here with?

What is he, a date?
Somebody you're seeing?

- Oh, n... No, no, we just met.
- Good.

'Cause when I agreed
to come here tonight,

the only thing I could think
about was seeing you here.

The truth is, you're all I think about.

You ever think about me?

Everything's been so crazy with me.

It's like all the attention,
people wanting things from me.

But you...

You're the only one who knows
who I really am.

You've always been the one, Paige.

I miss you.

I need you.

(dance music playing)

You're amazing, Paige.

I was lost without you.

You're my muse.

So...

Still want the Zima?

I actually am quite parched.

Um, hey, Jordan, I don't know
where you are right now

and you're probably
not gonna believe this,

but I think I just got back
together with Soft Serve.

Um, he says he can't stop
thinking about me,

and he needs me,

and I'm probably not gonna sleep
at home tonight,

so just wanted to let you know.

Yeah, call me when you get this, bye.

(sobbing)

Hey. Are you okay?

My ex is in there.

I thought I was over him, but...

I know, it's the worst.

He's just so hot.

He's this famous graffiti artist

and he's DJing the party.

How long have you guys been dating?

All last year.

It was really serious.

I mean, we almost got engaged.

You know, he told me that I was
the only one who really got him.

You know, that...

he needed me and that I was...

His muse.

I can't believe I fell for that again.

(phone line ringing)

(Jordan's Mom)
Leave your number after the beep.

You don't have to worry,
I'll get back to you in a hurry.

(beeping)

Hey, Mom, it's Jordan.

I guess it's probably weird to
hear my voice all grown up, um...

Anyway, I'm just calling to tell
you that I finally get it.

Like, I understand how hard
it must have been to raise

a stubborn, opinionated daughter,

basically on your own.

I realize now that...

you are the woman I should have
been looking up to.

So I... I guess I'm just
calling to say thank you.

And I'm sorry.

And I love you.

And just promise me that

you won't let me get that perm

my sophomore year, 'cause I just...

I just feel like we don't need
to give Rodney Bodine

any more ammunition
to make fun of me, so...

(dance music playing)

Babe, what the hell?

- (music shuts off)
- Shut up... Dennis!

You know, I thought we had
something special,

and I have spent so long

trying to figure out what I did
wrong to push you away.

But you know what?
I didn't do anything wrong.

You're just an asshole,

and I cannot believe
I wasted so much time on you.

'Cause you know what?
You're not my fun lord.

You're not my anything lord.

You're nothing.

("No Scrubs" by TLC playing)

(song continues)

(microphone feedback)

I don't get it.

What else do I have to fix to go back?

Tell everybody not to worry about Y2K?

Warn women to stay away from Bill Cosby?

(spray paint hissing)

Hey!

Listen.

When you grow up, I want you
to stay the hell away

from my best friend Paige,

because she deserves
way better than you.

Understand me, you little shit?

Beat it!

Well, my work here is done.

Time to go home.

- Time...
- (chimes tinkling)

Time to go home.

Ooh...

- Jordan?
- Paige!

I did it!

I'm back!

Paige...

So, the '90s.

Yeah.

I bet if we dry this out tomorrow,
we can still smoke most of it.

Sounds like an ideal Sunday.

Hey, I'm sorry I left you alone
to deal with Soft Serve.

Who's Soft Serve?

Holy shit!

I did it.

I changed the future.

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