All language subtitles for Marry Me s01e13 Change Me.eng

Ahh.

The refrigerator's packed
with so much Chinese

it's like... China.

They are experiencing
a real population boom,

from what I've overheard.

Hey, is this
last week's corn chowder

or eggnog from our
Christmas in July party?

It's actually the waffle batter

from our Fourth of July
in December party.

Okay, a few things: A, gross.

B, we got to start
throwing this food away.

And three, are we getting
too cute with our parties?

Maybe, but we have to do
Groundhog Day of the Dead.

Yeah.

Ooh, what are you doing,
white Daddy Warbucks?

Don't throw that out.
It's wasteful.

It's not wasteful.
It's normal, okay?

A refrigerator
isn't a time machine.

Time doesn't stop
when you put food in there.

That's what a freezer's for,
stopping time.

Sue me! I save food.

I'm a child of the depression...

that both my fathers went into

after The Golden Girls
went off the air.

They stopped cooking.

I had to live off food I
squirreled away in my caboodle.

Hey, what is a caboodle, anyway?

And is it always
paired with a kit?

- Always.
- Always?

- Never not.
- Kit and caboodle.

So Kay's on her way up.

Do you want to get dressed, or...

What do you mean?
I'm already dressed.

Maybe you want
to dress your arms?

Baby, sun's out, guns out.

Well it's overcast.

Huh? Well, uh,
gray skies, display bi's.

I don't think that's a thing.

- Hey!
- Hey.

My girlfriend's such a bitch.

Oh, well.
It was fun while it lasted.

But you know what, Kay?

You're not really
a relationship person anyway.

And was Hayley even that great?

We're still together.

Yes, is... to answer
my own question.

Absolutely. She's the best
and the best for you.

Does she like me?

- Kay, what happened?
- Ugh.

Haley's planning some amazing
Valentine's Day surprise for me.

Psh, that... bitch?

What... does that...
uh, I'm tagging out.

I'm tripping
all over myself here.

It's just that now
I have to surprise her

with something amazing too,
and I've got nothing.

I'm not used to being in a
relationship on Valentine's Day.

Whoa. Did you guys have
a party last night?

Why so many boxes?

Oh, it's just some takeout.

Star of Hunan?

This place closed
down a year ago.

You got to throw this out.

It's dangerous
to keep food too long.

My neighbor's uncle's friend
ate an expired English muffin.

Turned out it was riddled with
fungus that spread to his head,

and he had to have his
entire face scooped out!

He went to sleep,
and when he woke up, no face.

Just a big, scoopy hole.

Ew. Oh, my God.

Thank you, Kay.

We got to get rid
of all of this!

Really? You listen to Kay
but not your betroth-ed?

I don't want a scoopy hole!
I like my face.

And, yeah, I've got notes,
but it's a keeper.

(singer) [whistling]

-
Oh, no

Happy President's Day!

(both) Happy President's Day!

You guys look fabulous.

Thanks.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

It is so great that you do this.

Why do you do this?

Well, it's a tradition
that I started four score

and seven years ago
when I was single.

Cute.

It was a way to have a party
around Valentine's Day

where nobody felt bad
about being alone

or possibly dying alone.

Kevin and I met
at his very first party.

I still get a little
flutter in my heart

every time I see
a stovepipe hat.

Aww.

Actually, I should probably

have that looked at
by a cardiologist.

Terry?

- Hey! Ooh.
- Hey!

George Washington and...
wait, Dennah. Who are you?

Duh! I'm hot FDR.

My skirt's a sexy blanket,

and my roller skates
are a sexy wheelchair.

Kay, where's Haley?

I thought you two
were attached at the vag?

She's probably off planning
some amazing, spectacular

Valentine's Day surprise for me.

Well, as always, I'm going
to crush Valentine's Day.

- Jimmy Stewart?
- Ronald Reagan.

Yeah, Reagan.

Anyway, I got reservations
for Honest Abe and I at...

wait for it...

Where?

Wait for it...

We've waited long enough.

No, the name of the restaurant
is Wait For It.

Oh, no, wait.
I've heard of this place.

It's called Wait For It.

It's like a 25-course,

4-hour dining experience,
hence the name.

That's that molecular
gastronomy place.

Caper vapor, cream cheese foams,
deep dish pizza noise.

That place is impossible
to get into it.

How'd you get a rezzie
on Valentine's Day?

Oh, yeah. I called a year ago

and I put down a crazy expensive
non-refundable deposit,

but, you know, it's all worth it
for my beautiful little...

frog.

Uh, hey, babe, maybe you want
to stop tonguing the popcorn?

Why would I get oil
on my fingers

when God gave me
this corn grabber?

That place sounds
pretty cool, Jake.

I've always wanted to eat
weird science food.

At a restaurant, not in a car
of a married math teacher.

Girl, you have got
to stop doing that.

What?

Eating like a cartoon lizard.

Jake's right.
It's not a good look.

And a lady's tongue should be
saved for special occasions.

Don't you think?

You know, Kate? You're right.

Should we get a drink?

(both) Yes.

This is crazy.

Anytime I suggest anything
to Annie, she ignores me,

but then Kay will suggest
the exact same thing

and she immediately does it.

Oh, my God.

I have an amazing idea.

Yes.

We should get popcorn.

Why won't anybody listen to me?

You better be careful
when you open that.

Don't worry.
I do this twice a day.

Oh! My face skin!

My face skin!

Somebody call 911!

You call 911!

Oh, yeah, no,
I'm gonna call 911.

Okay, party-goers.
There's nothing to see here.

Just, uh, first degree burns
and a hunky fireman.

And a regular fireman.

So do you handsome
first responders

see a lot of
food-related tragedies?

Hard to call meeting
a five-alarm hottie a tragedy,

but, yeah. This is Chicago.

Last month
we had an Italian beef burn

and two scaldings
from Pierogi squirts.

I had the Pierogi
squirts yesterday.

That's hilarious.
You want a hit of oxygen?

Yeah, sure. I practically
live off the stuff.

Dude, you're on fire.

You know, you look like
a friend I haven't met yet.

You and I could totally be bros.

Pound it.

Boom.

And maybe you and I
could be bros with benefits.

So we talking HMO or PPO?

I'm talking DTF, and I can be
your preferred provider.

(man on radio) Ladder 17.

We've got a two-alarm
fire at Wicker Park.

Damn, I got to go, and I was
just about to say something

sexy about how pants removal's
covered by my deductible.

Oh, I would have loved
to have heard that.

That... that was pretty much it.

Oh, that was good.

Stay cool, bro.

I should probably take that.

Hm.

- Wait!
- I didn't get your info!

There goes the love of my life.

Why is this city so flammable?

Jake, why don't you call first?

I'm right in the middle
of making... nothing.

I was eating raw Bisquick.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Look, Kay. I'll get right to it.

You have a way with Annie, okay?

I mean, you got her to throw out
all those old take out boxes.

You got her to stop
performing popcorn-ilingus.

- Her tongue action is too much.
- I know.

But whenever I say anything,
she doesn't listen to me at all.

Well, you know, sometimes it's
easier to hear it from a friend.

Exactly, which is why
I need you to help me

help her change her for me.

Yeah, I don't know.

- That seems wrong.
- Is it wrong?

I just want to make
a couple of minor tweaks,

you know, that any couple
would want to do.

I mean, aren't there
things about Haley

that you'd like to change?

Hm. Oh, I do wish she'd stop
eating seafood paella in bed.

Okay. So that's
what I'm talking about!

I just... I just want Annie
to change a couple things,

like ball up her socks,
you know?

Take the keys out of the door.

Stop over-pronouncing croissant.

Ugh. Nobody wants to hear
that at Burger King,

but I don't want to get all up
in a couple's bid-ness.

Please! I want you
in our bid-ness, all right?

Let's be bid-ness partners!

Your bid-ness
is our relationship,

- and bid-ness is boom...
- Stop.

Okay, look.

You're having a hard time
planning Valentine's Day, right?

I crush Valentine's Day!

Remember my famous caviar
balloon ride over Lake Michigan?

Oh, man.
That was... not with Annie.

That was with a girl
before Annie,

so I'd like you to just erase
that from your mind.

Is it gone? Good.

But I can create
the same magic for you.

I mean, I do want to do
something special for Haley.

Okay. Okay.

Then just help me fix a few
tiny things about Annie.

All right. Yeah.

- Yeah. I'm in.
- Yeah?

Yeah. Bisquick?

Uh, absolutely, yeah.

You can't get a Valentine's
reservation anywhere?

No. The best
I could do is a 10:30

at the American Girl Doll Caf?,

but then we'd have to buy dolls.

I guess you could
borrow Josephina

if you really need her,
but she's shy, so...

No, I know. I know.

So Annie, what's with the socks?

You're folding 'em like Rain Man
packing for sleep-away camp.

You should ball 'em.

- Be a baller.
- Why?

Well, it makes way more room
in your sock drawer

for you and Jake,
plus you won't lose as many.

After I started balling,
my sock budget dropped by 42.6%.

I'm really into Quicken.

My financial advisor did tell us

I need to cut back on leg wear,

and I stopped giving
my social security number out

all the time... but I'll try it.

Oof, I am hungry.

Do you have any of those...

oh, those, uh,
French bread moons?

You mean croissant?

Oh, that is a rough way
to say that.

Yeah, I have some,

and that's the right way
to say that,

and you know I speak French.

You took it for a year.

Say one thing in French.

Croissant.

Ha-ha-ha.

Jean Valjean.

Yeah. Just say Croissant.

You know what?
You're right, Kay. My B. My B.

So what are
your Valentine's plans

after you eat at Wait For It?

Hopefully doing it.

I got some special
red lacy Spanx.

Oh, nice. See?
That's my favorite part.

Who cares about the dinner?

I just want to get to
the sexy times, you know?

There's just one thing.

I wish that Haley
had something...

Yeah?

Down there.

Something I could...

cup, or palm,

or shake like dice.

I'm not sure I'm following.

I just really wish
she had balls.

- Wait, what? Why?
- I don't know.

They just seem like
the sort of thing

that could be really great to
pay more attention to, Annie.

- Did Jake put you up to this?
- No.

Kay?

Annie?

Kay?

Annie?

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www.addic7ed.com

I knew it! I knew it was weird

that you had an opinion
on how I fold my socks!

And the whole croissant thing?

I mean, you say El Salvador.

It is El Salvador!
I mean, I'm sorry.

I should have known that
mentioning Jake's dangle bag

was a step too far,

but I got so cocky from doing
well I had to go for it.

Well guess what?
I'm running you now,

and I've got
a few things of my own

I'd like you to help me change
about Mr. Perfect Jake.

Oh, see? This is why
I really don't like

to get all up
in couple's bid-ness!

Well you're in our bid-ness now!

You're a majority shareholder
in our bid-ness,

so put on a bid-ness suit
and go get an MBA

from one of the nation's
top bid-ness schools...

All right. I get it.

Your face is looking
so much better.

Mm-hmm. My beard no longer
crumbles when you touch it.

Oh, it's all thanks to that
angel in fire-retardant pants.

I tried to track him down.

I even went to a firehouse
pancake breakfast

and asked if anybody
knew a meaty firefighter

with a Chicago accent,

but they're all that.

Well, I have a surprise.

That angel is on his way over!

No! How did you find him?

I called 911.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, my God!
- Is that him?

Yes, yes, yes!

Okay.

What? You're not hunky.

And you're not on fire,

so we were both expecting
something different.

Did you call 911?

No. No.

Must have been
my neighbor's dumb kid.

Listen though,
since you're here,

you wouldn't happen to know
a dark-haired chisel-jawed,

super-hunky firefighter?

Some would argue more
hilarious than hunky?

No, but there's
a ladder downtown

that has all
the funny beefcakes.

They do a calendar every year,

and a comedy album.

Hm.

We get a lot of fake phone
calls for that ladder.

A lot of lonely
perverts out there.

Amen.

Oh. Wait.

Yeah.

We are idiots.

We should have called from
the place we originally saw him!

Yes! You're right!

Now all we have to do
is go start a fire

in the Kevins' apartment.

Or we just call from there!

Or just call from there!

Yeah!

Kay, it's a miracle.

She's eating popcorn
with her hands.

She's ordering
southwestern-style

triple bacon ham and cheese
croissants, okay?

And she's balling her socks!

You don't say?

And I have great hope
that moving into the future,

anything ball-related
will be handled properly.

- Fingers crossed.
- All right.

Now it is my turn to help
you with Valentine's Day.

Step one:
Greet Haley with champagne

and homemade
chocolate-covered strawberries.

Hm, fancy.

And would you like
to join me in the kitchen?

AKA our strawberrium?

Ooh, well thank you.

All right. Let's just get
a little comfortable here.

Oh, what's happening here,
Danny Aiello?

What? Oh, you're not
vibing on my T-top?

It's not the sweltering
summer of 1957,

and you're not an abusive
husband drinking his way

through forgetting the war.

- Really? Is it that bad?
- Yeah.

They're called sleeves, buddy.

Duly noted.

Duly noted. All right.

Well, first, you want
to start with fresh straw...

[burps]

Aw, okay, and while we're at it,

can we talk about this
whole burp catching thing?

It's not a rare butterfly.

What are you talking about?

So we want to stage
a phony emergency

so we can lure our
hunky firefighter back here.

(both) Been there.

What?

Anyway, all I got to do
is call 911,

and voila, we're living in
a Valentine's Day Rom-com,

or in my case, a com-sans-Rom.

Well, that is a terrible
waste of taxpayer funds,

but get it, girl.

Yay!

Oh, you guys are the best.

All right. Our place is yours.

- Yeah.
- We'll be back in a few hours

for our big
Valentine's Day plans.

We're gonna watch
Gary Marshall's Valentine's Day.

Some of our activities
are pretty first-thought.

Yeah.

Hey! Ooh, that's a comfy
long-sleeved tee.

Oh, yeah. All of a sudden I'm
over the whole tank top thing.

You know, there's
kind of a quiet dignity

in having it
but not flaunting it.

Wow. You're really growing.

And I noticed you're not doing
that whole burp-catch thing,

or quoting Howard Stern three
times a conversation anymore.

You know what?

There's a time and a place
for "Baba Booey."

I think... I think I'm old enough
to know that now.

Hey, and I've noticed you've
been doing some changing too.

You know? You're what
I would cleverly call

a real sock-baller
croissant-caller.

Annie, I have never
loved you more.

Sorry. What... what was that?

I said I have never
loved you more.

Wait, what do you mean
you've never loved me more?

I mean, does that mean
you loved me less

before I made these changes?

No. Not at all.
No, I've always loved you.

What are you talking about?

No, it's just I never thought
I could love you more, but I did

because, you know, you're like
a new and improved Annie.

Now that I'm the Annie
who's doing everything

the way you want it to be done.

- Say what?
- Yeah. The gig is up.

The "gig"? It's jig.

Oh, so now you're trying to
control my hard and soft Gs?

It's a J.

I know you tried to get
Kay to brainwash me.

Ohh. Okay, look.
Before you get mad...

Hey, guess what, pal?
Two can play at that Jame.

- You know it's game.
- Yeah, It is game.

It's game on, because I used
Kay to manipulate you too.

I mean, take a look at yourself.

What do you... sleeves!

You don't control me, Jake,

and if I want a fridge
full of old food...

- What are you doing?
- So be it.

No! Uh, no...
I put dog poop in there.

Yeah. We don't have a dog.

Oh, we don't have a dog, Jake.
What are you doing?

Okay, Annie, can we
just talk, please?

So now you want
to talk to my face

instead of making Kay
do your dirty work?

I did talk to you face to face,
but you didn't listen!

It's a little hard to listen

when you're burping into
your fist and catching it.

You did that too.

How dare you make
me ball my socks?

I mean, they don't need
to be together all the time!

Let them be free!

Fly!

Just fly, little birdies!

You'd have better luck
chucking 'em if you balled them.

Happy Valentine's day,
Baba Bowie.

It's Baba Booey!

Baba Booey!

Happy Valentine's Day!

So wait, are hunky firefighters
gonna come in here

and my toe is gonna
be stuck in the faucet?

Is this even a thing
that happens?

Oh, yeah.
I read about it online.

The article did turn out
to be from a Penthouse forum,

but still, it went pretty
well for everyone involved.

Okay. Let's do it.

All right.

Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

Your foot's too fat!

I used to be a foot model!

Plus-size.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Girl, can I ask you a question?

Oh, my God.

Is this all a little desperate,
what we're doing?

No! It's a meet-cute, come on!

It... it feels a little bit
like a meet-sad, to be honest.

Maybe we should just bail.

No! No, no, no.
I don't want to bail.

It's just, I've never been
alone on Valentine's Day,

and it's got me
feeling really sad.

What if this is, like,
the first of a streak

of lonely Valentine's Days
for me?

Okay, first of all,
it's not gonna be.

Second of all, you're not alone.

You're with me.

So why don't the two of us
go out to dinner

and celebrate a new holiday?

Pal-entine's Day.

Popcorn?

Sorry, I would, but popcorn
goes straight to my arms,

which the whole world is about
to see a hell of a lot more of!

You know what the world
is not gonna see more of?

Balls, either in sock form
or me playing with yours form.

Ohh, that cute little
wordplay didn't work,

but I got the gist of it.

Happy Valentine's Day,
love bugs!

Hey, can we borrow your copy

of Gary Marshall's
Valentine's Day...

Uh. Uh-oh.

Never mind. Go, go, go, go.

Sit!

And then he said
he didn't love me

until I did
all these things his way.

Objection!
That's not what I said at all!

I tried to talk to you nicely
about all of this stuff.

Okay. Let's just let
the Kevins be the judge.

What say you, Kevins?

Well, I think you're both wrong.

- Yup.
- (both) What?

Guys, look. It's hard to be
critiqued by your partner.

It just is,

but we've developed a technique
that works for us.

(Kevin 2) Yeah. You have
to learn how to package

your criticism in what we like
to call the compliment sandwich.

Bread:
you smell nice, like sage.

Meat: when you clip
your toenails on the balcony,

it makes me want
to stab you in the throat!

Bread:
you've got nice handwriting.

- You do.
- Mm-hmm.

Bring it right around.

I clip my toenails
on the balcony

because you hate toenail
clippings in the bathroom.

(Kevin 2)
The neighbors can see you.

You even flicked a nail into
Mrs. Hernandez's frittata.

I don't care about her frittata.

She called you fat.

I think you look thin.

(both) Bread.

See? You guys just need to learn

how to do
the compliment sandwich.

It's what's kept us together
for, like, ever.

Compliment sandwich.

You're right. Look, Jake.

I've got stuff
I need to work on,

but I guess I just
dig in really hard

when it comes from you
for some reason.

I want you to think I'm perfect.

You are perfect, you know?

And I dig in too.

I'm sorry.

You know what?
We should get out of here.

I need to stop
by the airport Sheraton

so that I can get a room
to clip my toenails.

(Kevin 2)
Oh, I wish you would. I wish you would.

You know, I wouldn't
mind so much if you just

pick 'em up
off of the bathroom floor.

(Kevin 1)
The rug is so fuzzy I can't find them!

- Who picked the fuzzy rug?
- You!

- Who picked the fuzzy rug?
- You! You!

I worry about them sometimes.

Yeah, me too.

You know, it's sad when couples
aren't super solid like us.

We should get them something.

Maybe.

See? It's not so bad spending
Valentine's Day with a friend.

This is surprisingly fun,

and the bachelor's special,
two footlongs,

a bag of coleslaw,

and unlimited squirts
from soda hose?

This is darn near heaven.
Thanks, Gil.

You're welcome.

[choking]

Is he okay?

Coming through. Coming through.

Hero coming through here.

- This the guy?
- Seriously?

Oh, it's you!

Chuckles and Boobs!

Sorry.
I, uh, never got your names.

No need to apologize.
It's perfect for both of us.

I'm Boobs, right?

- For days.
- Oh.

I'm so glad I found you guys!

Please... I'm tasting copper.

Please help me.

Oh, right. I got to...

- Yeah.
- This guy.

Oh, okay.

You smell good.

Thanks.

Now this is a perfect
Valentine's Day.

- Hm.
- You know?

And those Spanx were
real nice, you know?

Kept it in when it
was supposed to be,

and then let loose
when called upon.

I was looking forward
to Wait For It.

- Every time.
- Yeah.

- Every time.
- But I'm really glad

you suggested
we stay inside instead.

Wait a second,
I didn't suggest that.

I mean, Kay planted it in
my head, but that was your idea.

Hm-mm. No.

She planted it in my head,
so I thought it was your idea.

Oh, my God.

(both) Ooh.

Happy Valentine's Day,
sweetheart.

How did you get us in here?

It was not easy.

No, actually, it was really easy.

More filet mignon essence, Mr. Schuffman?

Oh, yes, please. Ohh.

Mm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

That is the best filet
mignon I've ever not had.

Mm. I'm starving.

Right? Oh, my God.

Let's polish off these glasses
and go get some real food.

- Yes. Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Hm.
- Mm-hmm.

Katelyn Sedia, you bitch.

That devious little minx.

Wow.

Oh, I am just now realizing
that her name is "quesadilla."

Yeah.

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