All language subtitles for Marry Me s01e03 Scary Me.eng

Guys, I can't tell you
how important tomorrow night is.

Well, apparently
important enough to interrupt

A story about my workout.

I'm just excited.

It's my first Halloween
in ten years without Cassie.

- Oh.
- And since I don't have to

Hang out with her dumb friends this year,

I'm looking to blow it out
with my dumb friends.

- We're dumb.
- So what are we doing?

Well, as always, Annie, Dennah and I

Are going to the single
greatest party of the year,

Halloween hella-rage,

Hosted by Tupac's hologram.

Zagat lovingly called it
"a [bleep] damn mess."

Ooh, I'd love some feedback
on my costume.

Two years ago I went as a slutty nurse,

And then last year I was a slutty judge,

But this year I'm just gonna
cut out the middleman

- And go as a slut.
- We got it.

- You hate your parents.
- They're not great.

- So, Kay...
- Yeah?

What do you got going on,
and can non-lesbians attend?

Sticking with a classic.
Trick or treating, costumes,

Fresh air, free candy,

Mike drop.

Both solid options,

But I got to go with Kay,

Mostly because I love candy,

But also partially because the last time

I went to a hip party, everybody
thought I was the valet.

Long story short is the title
of the short story

I wrote about that experience.

[doorbell rings] - oh, excuse me.

Oh. Hi, Julie...
- just one second.

- I just have to do this.
- Okay.

[phone buttons tapping]

Yeah, great. Hi, Annie.

I see you've grown that hair out.

A woman doesn't realize
how big her head is

Till she gets a pixie cut
so, lesson learned.

Lesson learned
is what I was going to say.

What's happening here,
a little vino in the afternoon?

- How decadent... I miss that.
- Come on in.

It is so crazy that we're the same age.

- Are we?
- Um hm.

- Uh huh.
- Um hm.

- Um hm.
- Um hm.

- Um hm.
- I think you're mistaken.

- No, I'm not.
- Okay.

I'm 100% accurate.

Because you have kids and you wear skirts

And you carry juice in your purse.

- So do you, baby girl.
- I have blood sugar issues.

- Please stay out of this.
- Okay, well,

Any beehoozal, me and the momz, m-o-m-z,

Are planning our yearly kids
Halloween party down

In the building's rec room,

So we're having a planning slash
mandatory safety meeting,

And I'm required by law
to invite every tenant

Regardless of
their inappropriate sex volume.

I'm a screamer. What can I say.

I was referring to Diane in 6b,

But good for you, Jake.

Okay. Well, anyway,
I just sent you all the info.

You'll be sorely missed.

Well, we've got a lot going on.

[baby fussing] - oops, poops. Hold on.

Ow, he's got me there.

And... UN... Latch!

There we go.

All right, I've got to get Atticus changed,

And I've got to take the twins
to sportscaster camp.

They're gonna meet Bob Costas.

So, fingers crossed... anyway,
you were saying, I'm sorry.

Just that we're so busy, so...

[phone chimes] - I got an alert.

I've got to get this one
on the other breast.

- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Okay.

Ah, Julie.

She thinks she's so much better than us,

Like we're a bunch of trash.

[singsong] check it out.

I'm a slut!

[whistling]

-
Oh, no

So, guys, how excited
are you for hella-rage?

- Ah ha ha.
- I'm gonna get

So [bleep] faced, I started taking

Antibiotics just to get ready.
That's smart.

How are you a preschool teacher?

What can I say, I love kids.

I hear this year they're releasing

An authentic psychopath
into the crowd at midnight.

- Yes.
- Yeah!

That is so dangerous.

I was gonna say cool, but it's reckless.

- Very dangerous.
- God,

Even the invitation is awesome.

I heard it's baby redwood.

Oh, so wasteful.

So cool. Wait, when did you get that?

A couple of weeks ago.

Didn't you guys get yours?

Oh, no, I did hear they
were cutting back on the list

This year.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Right, right, right. [chuckling]

All right, nobody freak out.

I mean, chill, papi.

I'm sure ours got lost in
the mail or something like that.

Don't you know the guy
that runs the list?

- Kyle, yes, kyle.
- Kyle.

I'll just give kyle a call,

Give him an old
ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding

But my phone's not here. It's in the car.

And that's all right.
I'll just call after lunch

Because, you know, or whenever,

Because I'm just chilling out
with my peeps, enjoying...

Some horrible potato skins. Check, please!

I'm embarrassed.

Kyle, Ky, Ky guy, Ky I oughta,

Al-Ky-DA.

I'm sorry about that one.

Hey... huh? What the...

- Jake, what are we doing?
- Well, I was doing

- Some pretty good name play.
- No, I mean

What do you think about maybe not going

- To hella-rage this year?
- Gasp.

I've been thinking about it a lot.

Haven't we outgrown anything

That has the word hella or rage in it?

Last year we took a nap
before and during it.

But that party's all we've ever known.

I know, but it might be fun
to do something new,

Like maybe a more grown up Halloween,

In our own building?

Okay, okay... I don't follow.

Well, last year when we
were puking in that dumpster

Behind the Filipino mall, I looked up

And saw these kids in
their costumes carrying candy,

And it looked really fun.

Oh...

That was pretty [bleep] cute.

Some of my favorite memories
are from when I was little

And my dads did their haunted house.

All the neighbors said
it was as scary as it was gay.

It seems like a pretty
intolerant neighborhood.

Yeah, we had to move shortly thereafter.

Okay, shh. Everyone, shh.

Okay, it's starting. Shh.

Okay, here's shushing at you, Karen.

All right, now, trick or treating

Is allowed in your apartments

Between the hours
of 7:00 and 9:00 P.M. Only.

As for costumes, nothing with weapons,

Gender neutral isn't required,
but it is encouraged,

No ethnic costumes, no religious costumes.

It's not a costume.

Okay. All right.

Oh, Annie, what are you guys doing here?

What, did you get lost
on your way to margarita ville?

Good one, Julie.

Great one, Jules, but no.

My fiance and I have decided
to help with the building party,

And I think we've got the perfect idea.

Two words... "haunted house."

Two more words... "you're welcome."

Two additional words... "standing ovation."

Two words, one name.

- No way, Jose.
- What?

- What?
- But it's a classic.

The kids will love it.
So what were you thinking,

You're gonna peel a bunch
of grapes and tell the kids

They're eating eyeballs?
Now we're playing jazz.

Well, too bad grapes
are a choking hazard.

Hazel in 4c can't handle large bites.

I mean, do you know C.P.R.?

She knows doggie C.P.R.

I've been the recipient of C.P.R.

She's a terrible swimmer.

Okay, well, bad news, you just murdered

- An eight-year-old.
- What?

Kids these days, they don't
like to be scared.

It's okay, Annie.

If you were a mom, you'd understand.

You know, you'd have something
called maternal instincts.

I'm sorry, but no haunted house.

- But...
- all right, thank you

So much, everybody.

Have a blessed afternoon.

And no trail mix this year, Lindsay.

Nobody wants nuts that people have touched.

Well, we tried, you know.

Quite honestly, I'm sick about it.

So what do you think we should do now?

Oh, hey, how about we go
to that stupid hella-rage party

And lick our wounds-themed
vodka jell-o shots?

- Should I call kyle?
- Yeah, you call kyle.

You call kyle, real nice-like,

And tell him that we're hosting
a haunted house in our apartment

'cause Julie's a bitch.

Well, I don't think kyle's

Gonna care about any
of this building politics stuff.

I'm kidding. I support you.

So if stupid Julie shows up, she'll think

We're giving out candy, but...

- But behind this curtain
lies a world of terror,

And a picture of my mom.

That's supposed to be on my nightstand.

Kids are literally gonna

Crap in their pants
when they see this place.

Well, not literally, except for
that kid on the fourth floor

Who's always crapping his pants.

- It's a baby.
- Hm.

And that doesn't look like a person

Who died here as much
as an adorable potato.

I'll take it.

So, Kay, my sweet friend
whose name is also a letter,

I did a little research,

And I found the best
trick-or-treat street in town.

I'm talking full-size candy bars.

They got so much candy

That the new England journal of medicine

Declared the whole neighborhood
a diabetes cluster.

Wow. I've only dreamed of full-size bars.

I mean, I could always go buy one myself,

But candy's sweeter
when you beg strangers for it.

I did take the liberty of
grabbing a few costumes for us,

Because we do need ones

That obscure the fact that we are adults.

Oh-oh. Tall order.

I haven't seen you this excited

About anything since you
discovered stone fruits

Well, I don't know, new me.

New Halloween.

Same old song, but I like to
try on costumes too.

[bob seger's old time rock and roll plays]

Oh!

Oh...

We would love for you to leave.

But I had a whole thing.

Get out.

This is the number one

Rated Halloween neighborhood in the city?

It doesn't even have scary decorations.

Yeah, but... Can't you feel the ghost

Of a once-vibrant middle-class community?

That last house didn't even
know it was Halloween.

They gave us pickles, man.

Technically, they're gherkins.

Come on, Gil, this sucks.

Can we please go? I know a sweet street.

Let's go.

Wait, wait.

Okay, the truth is,
this is Cassie's street.

No, I am not gonna help
you stalk your ex-wife again.

I just want to check up on her.

I mean, I'm doing great,

But I hate to think of Cassie
alone and sad on Halloween.

All right.

It's actually kind of sweet.

Be sure and say it like that
when the police bring us in.

[organ music]

Place looks awesome, babe.

And great call on our costumes.
Zombie I love Lucy.

Oh, Ricky, take me to the club, wash.

[as Jackie Gleason] - to the moon, Alice.

Wait, that's not Lucy and Ricky.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is.
- You said the name Alice.

[doorbell rings] oh, show time!

Trick or treat?

Hey, boys and girls.

Come inside if you dare.

Moo ha ha!

Awesome!

[kids cheering]

This is so fun.

[as Jimmie walker] - dyn-o-mite, Lucy.

- Good times.
- The best.

- So this is Cassie's house?
- Yeah. So, you know,

I just want to be sure
she's carving a jack-o-lantern

And not a wrist-o-lantern, you know.

- Then we'll be on our merry way.
- Okay.

Okay. Go.

Hi. Kids: Trick or treat?

Aren't you kids adorable?

And... You two are big guns.
Hormones in the milk.

- Where's the tequila, Cassie?
- What?

In your butt?

Yeah, the tequila's in my butt.

Good one, Sharon. All right.

Happy Halloween, kids.

[party guests chattering]

This is great. Cassie's fine.

So we're all good then.

No, we're not all good then, Kay.

But why? Cassie's happy.

I thought that's what you wanted.

She's too happy.

She's having a party.

She's making tequila
in the butt jokes with Sharon.

In the house that I bought
for her with her money,

But I aillowed it on my computer

- That she bought me.
- Huh?

Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-hey. Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-hey.

[voice amplified] everybody
grab two human eyeballs.

Give them to me and I'll cut them

Into non-chokable size pieces.

[laughter, chatter]

Charlie, Sadie... okay.

Monica, please. Come on,

- Get your hands in there.
- Ooh!

Oh, guys, guys. It's 9:00.

You're supposed
to be home five minutes ago.

Get out. All: Boo!

[chattering]

All right, ride that sugar rush.

- It doesn't last forever.
- Amazing.

- Amazing.
- So fun.

- [gasps]
- oh, god!

- Come on in.
- Buzz on in.

Wow. Hey, perfect costume, Julie.

You know, Annie and I are always

Talking about how you're such a "B."

- Well, I'd heard...
- no, no, no.

You're an exceptional "B."

Okay, get it. I got it the first time.

You're a straight up "B."

You know, I had heard rumors,

But I didn't think you'd dare.

A haunted house?

Okay, there's no reason to get mad.

The kids had a blast. There's no big whoop.

No, no, no, big whoop. Huge whoop.

I see 11 choking hazards
in my eye line alone.

Something bad could have happened.

But it didn't.

I guess you were wrong about what kids like

And who is the knower
of such things, vis-a-vis, me.

In conclusion... Uh, face!

Oh, come on, Annie,
do not rub it in her uh, face!

Okay I get it, I have a face.

Yeah, we might see each other
in the hallways...

- Uh, face! Uh, face!
- Uh, face!

- Face!
- Okay, that's enough.

There's no way you can do a fourth one.

Uhhhhhh... Face!

See, it wasn't as funny.

Get me out of this house of horrors.

Ooh, shutting down Julie

Has made Lucy want to visit little Ricky.

Waaah! Little Ricky's your penis.

How about above-average Ricky?

You know, just for my confidence.

[phone rings] - oh, that's Dennah.

She's been calling all night.

- Let me grab this.
- Ah, phones, am I right?

This generation, are we more connected,

- Or less connected.
- Hello?

Annie, finally, good news.

I ran into Jake's friend, kyle

And he said that you guys were invited.

Come now, it's super fun.

Oh, Dennah says we can come
to the party now,

If we want to.

Nah, I'm over it.

Yeah? Me too.

Sorry, Dennah, but we're over it.

I'm over it too. It's freaking horrible.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

And I know how it's gonna sound,

But it's so loud in here.

- It's just so loud.
- Oh, sweetie.

These people are way too
drunk, it's absolutely freezing,

And the worst part is,

There are two other girls
wearing my costume.

I'm in hell... can I come
hang out with you guys?

Oh, my god. We would love that,

But it's gonna be hard
for you to find a cab,

And we're about to have sex.
And that cab thing.

But I hope your night turns around.

Yeah, I don't think it will,

'cause my ex-boyfriend just showed up.

- Drama!
- Hey, derrick.

Oh, my god. I never knew that your boobs

Were two different sizes.

It looks like that one
ate all the other one's food.

I'm so hungry. High five.
Do you have any D batteries?

I need a D battery,
if you know what I mean.

What? Work, work, drama, drama, drama.

Split!

How did I not know you were gay?

Hey, we are seriously
a next level couple.

I mean, we just crushed adult
Halloween on the first try.

Come here, little Ricky.

Hi, I'm mason.

Oh, my god!

Tell me another ghost story.

No, no, no, no, no, party's over.

- You got to go.
- Never!

Let's have a sleepover!

Ooh, no.

[making robot noises]

What level of whoop

- Would you say this is?
- Medium to big.

All right, Robo boy, party's over.

Tell us where you live.

We've got to get you home.

No, I want to stay.

Give me more eyeballs.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

Jake, if tonight has taught us anything,

It's that I'm kind
of really great with kids.

I speak their language. I got this.

20 bucks?
- 12-h.

Let's roll.

Wait, there's no 12-h. Where's 12-h?

Ha, ha!

Oh, come on!

This kid's been yanking
us around by our yohnsons.

He's just having fun.
That's what kids do.

All right, buddy,
that was really funny stuff,

But you got to tell us
where you live now for reals.

I don't want to. I want to go back

To the haunted house here with red.

Oh, stop. [giggling]

Stop it.

Listen up, haunted houses are for kids

Who tell the truth and ghosts
with unfinished business.

Okay, Jake, I think it's time
for daddy to play bad cop.

Ah ha ha ha.

[clicks tongue] [chuckles]

How you doing, kid? You good?

Is it too hot in there for you?
You sweating?

Because you're really gonna
be sweating in a second,

You little punk... you better
tell me where you live.

- Where do you live?
- I'm sorry.

I don't live in this building.

I live at the end of the block.

Okay, that's okay. Thank you.

Okay, we're gonna get you home right now,

And I'm sorry that that scary
man was so surprisingly literal.

That was insane.

Let's roll, part two.

Back to the minors.

- [making robot sounds]
- enough robot, okay?

Halloween's done for you.

Hey, baby girl.

Jeez!

How many pickles did he give you?

This one's from home.

Okay. All right.

Talk to me, daddy man.

Come on.

It's just not fair, you know?

I mean, it's like the divorce
didn't affect Cassie at all.

She gets everything. She gets the house.

She gets to be happy.
She even gets to hand out candy

From our novelty scary hand
candy bowl that I bought.

I'm the one that fell down by
the ice machine at rite-aid

And settled out of court
for a $12 gift card.

It's my bowl.

Oh, lady bug, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were hurting so much.

I know everyone always
thinks I'm flying so high,

But in reality, I'm flying real low.

Dangerously low.

Like an upskirt drone.

I hear you, buddy.

You know what I'm gonna do?
Steal my bowl back for me?

I was gonna say take you
trick or treating,

Which is what I've been
trying to do all night,

But if getting this bowl back
means this much to you,

Then I am in.

- Thanks, Kay.
- Yeah.

You know what, while you're up there,

She's also got this katana blade
of mine that I'm really...

- Mason, I don't get it,
where's your house?

[chuckles] I live in that dumpster.

Oh, fool me twice.

Okay, you know what,
just give us one sec, okay?

Ooh, this is great! Did we somehow

Just back in to kidnapping this kid?

I hope he doesn't have any Liam
neeson types in his family.

- It's not great.
- What are we gonna do?

We got to call Julie.

Honestly, I don't know
what else to do... we asked him.

We yelled at him. We bribed him.

And as much as it pains me to admit it,

Julie will know how to fix this.

And then we'll have to move,
because she's never gonna

Let me forget it.

[whispering] I hate... Julie.

Why do you care so much
about what Julie thinks?

Because some part of me looks up to her.

I mean, she's the super mom,

And I don't know the first thing
about that stuff,

And maybe I never will.

Hey, what are you talking about?

You're gonna make a great mom.

How do you know that?
What if Julie's right?

What if I don't have maternal instincts?

I tried to throw a haunted house

And I ended up snatching a kid, Jake.

What? You're crazy.

The reason that kid doesn't want to go home

Is he's having too much fun with you.

Mason loves you.

Just like our kid is gonna love you.

And making a kid love you

Is the most important thing
about being a mom.

Actually, I think they say loving them

Is the most important thing, but thank you.

- Thank you.
- So, you want me to call Julie?

Yeah.

Wait, I think I've got a faster
way to get this kid home.

Just follow my lead, okay?

All right, buddy boy. Good night!

You just run on up to your house,

And we're gonna scoot.

Night-night.

Wait. You're leaving me here?

Yeah, well, of course.

This is where you live. Silly goose.

Don't let the cockroaches bite.

No, wait!

I don't live here. I live in your building.

Apartment 8-a. I'm sorry I lied.

- Please don't leave me.
- Aw, little cutie.

- I'm sorry I lied.
- Okay, don't worry about it.

We're gonna get you home
right now, you little scooter.

That was impressive.
How'd you know that would work?

I don't know. I just kind of felt it.

When you said he loved me,
I realized there's nothing

More powerful than withholding love.

Oh, you are gonna make a great mom.

Hey, back for more candy?

No, I just, uh...

- See ya!
- Hey!

I said, see ya!

How are you this strong?

Take the candy, but leave the bowl.

No! My husband bought me that bowl.

[voice echoes] bowl... Bowl... Bowl...

Oof!

[gasps]

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I was wrong.

Cassie is hurting too.

I owe ya.

Wow. Thank you, whoever...

You are...

Who was that masked ginormous child

That reeks of pickles
and Michael Jordan cologne?

Wait...

- Oof!
- Ugh!

No, it couldn't be.

[whining] ow...

All right, sweetie. [door-bell rings]

End of the line, you little booger eater.

Oh, my god!

Mason, thank god!

Julie's your mom?

That explains why he
didn't want to go home.

Okay, what are you two doing with my son?

Okay, it's a long story. Jake lured him

- Into our place with candy.
- In my defense,

It was supposed to be a secret.

We didn't even know he was there until we

- Started undressing.
- Okay, that's it.

I'm calling the cops.

No, wait, mom.

It's not their fault. It's mine.

I wouldn't tell them where I lived.

I wanted to stay with them
because they're so much fun.

Told you.

Oh, really?

Well, you are in a lot of trouble, mister.

So you get inside and you start
practicing that mandarin.

I wish Annie and Jake were my mom.

[speaking foreign language]

[gasps] [door slams]

What does that mean?

Die, white devil. [ahem]

He's going through a phase.

But thank you very much
for bringing him home.

I'm sure you want to gloat,
so you can just go ahead.

I have a face in the chamber.
Just give me the green.

Stand down, Jake.

Listen, Julie.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

I hated my parents when I was his age,

But now we are closer than ever.

Actually, it does make me feel better.

Happy Halloween

Wow babe. You're just like Oprah

You don't have any kids of your own

But you tell everybody else
what to do with theirs.

Aw, you should put that in your vows

You are working on those, right?

No

[as Gary Coleman] What
you talking about, Lucy?

Oh, different strokes

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