Original subtitles

What's up, party people?

Now I've been posting videos online

for the past ten years,

but the ones that get the most love

is when I surprise my ex-wife,

Ashley, on her birthday.

- All: Surprise! - [screaming]

Marlon!

[chuckles]

All: Surprise!

[thuds]

Marlon!

All: Surprise!

Marlon!

All: Ooh!

Oh, damn! Ooh!

The surprise is on us, oh!

It's like she never sees it coming.

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

[upbeat music]

Ashley, come on, you're turning 40.

You gotta celebrate!

Me and the girls, we're gonna get drunk

and make bad decisions in public places.

For you!

Yvette, as delightful as that sounds,

this is hard birthday for me.

I just really wanna keep it low-key.

[horn blares]

Who's turning 40, but still look 39 1/2?

Is it you, woman I do not care for?

Or is it you, woman I am so happy I smashed in her 20s?

I was hoping for a little bit lower key than that.

Now, now, before you get mad at me being me,

I have somebody that's been dying to meet you.

[laughing]

I just wanted to show him where you live

so it'll be easier to find you in a couple of years.

Really, Stevie?

I'm presently unemployed.

3 bucks is 3 bucks.

So! What are we gonna do for Ashley's birthday?

Marlon... I'm not playing with you.

No, no, you made it very clear.

You do not want a surprise party.

Besides, startling somebody your age...

it could lead to a heart attack.

You're older than her, jackass.

I know you ain't talkin'.

What did you do on your 40th birthday?

See "Goonies" in the movie theaters?

You know damn well I ain't 40.

I know who you foolin' with that black don't crack.

But your feet sure do.

Okay? You look 25 in the face

but 62 in the feet.

Your face say, "Black lives matter."

And your feet say, "We shall overcome."

So you could be over 40?

I ain't telling you how old I am...

Grim Creeper.

You're hiding something.

I fancy myself a bit of a sleuth.

In college, I was a founding member of

the Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers Club.

It was way cooler than it sounds.

No, it wasn't.

Looks like I'll have to fire up the Mystery Machine

to find out your age.

Zoinks!

A clue.

A gray hair.

Gray hair?

Uh, this is a blonde highlight.

[forced chuckle]

Now, excuse me.

- So, Ash... - Hmm?

The big 4-0.

What big, crazy gift you gonna get for yourself this year?

One of them stair lift chairs that do this...

[imitating motor]

[laughs]

Well, you know, Marlon, it's gonna be kind of hard

to beat the gift I gave myself last year:

a divorce from you.

But seriously, Ash, what are you gonna get yourself?

Well, actually, it's somewhat personal.

I don't want to discuss it.

Oh!

I see...

[Jamaican accent] Are you gonna go to

the Caribbean and get your groove back?

With a little Jamaican boy named Dexter?

? He's gonna pow-pow ? [shouting indistinctly]

- ? Pow-pow... ? - Okay, okay!

Stop it!

It's something I've been considering for a while.

You know, I'm just not sure.

Y'all talking about the boob job?

A boob job!

We are now.

Really? A boob job?

You seem surprised,

and I thought you liked surprises.

Yeah, but do you know what kind of person you become

when you do something like that.

A person with bigger boobs?

Sorry, I thought you threw that out to the room.

Now, were you even gonna discuss this with me?

Or were you gonna show up to my house

with them popping out your T-shirt, talking about,

"Hello, welcome to Hooters."

"How would you like your wings?

Spicy, mild, or lemon pepper?"

Maybe this is why I didn't want to discuss it

with you, Marlon, okay?

- It's my body. - Yes, it's your body,

but that's our history.

That's the road map of our memories.

- Road map? - A road map?

My body is a road map?

I didn't mean like a old, weathered, pirate's map.

You know, I meant more like a laminated one you get at AAA.

Ashley, I meant that sweetly.

You complain about your stretch marks.

You know how you got those stretch marks?

Remember when you was pregnant with Zack, we used to go out

and get cheeseburgers and Krispy Kremes?

And those breasts that you want to change...

those fed my babies.

And got us into a lot of clubs in the '90s.

There's more to it than that.

- But what about the kids? - What?

Let's see what the kids think of it.

No, Marlon!

- Do not involve the kids! - Marley!

Marley, listen.

Your mommy wants to get a breast augmentation,

and forgive my language, but that's a boob job.

Now I want you to tell Mommy what you think about this.

Go on.

Go ahead.

Well, it is her body,

and as a feminist, I support her decision.

I knew you was going to be a hater the day you was born.

Go on, get your little behind upstairs.

Okay, Marlon, I'm turning 40.

I've had two kids.

Is it so bad that I want my confidence

back to where they used to be?

And she's a free agent!

She's back here on these streets,

and she started from the bottom, and now she here!

I'm sorry, I don't speak club rat.

So when I get my Rosetta Stone for ratched...

I'll get back at you.

Now, listen, A$AP Nappy is right.

You're going out into the... to the dating pool

with a new pair of floaties.

Okay, stop.

Guys, this has nothing to do with dating, okay?

It's about how I feel in my own skin.

And if I wanna get 'em, I'm gonna get 'em.

Get what?

Uh...

- Donuts. - Uh-huh.

Your mommy was debating

whether we should get donuts or not.

Well, I'm for 'em.

As far as I'm concerned, the bigger the better.

I'm never happier than when I got one in my hand...

and one in my mouth.

Zack, go play basketball.

Now I want a donut.

Listen, this is serious surgery,

and it's dangerous.

You know what, as the father of your children,

I'm not gonna let you do it.

- Let me? - Let you?

Let me?

Let her?

- You don't let me do anything! - You don't let her do anything!

You know that's right.

Coming up in here, telling her what she gon' do.

What in The Hip-hop Wives was that?

[hip-hop music]

Marlon thinks he could tell me what I could do

with my divorced-from-his-ass body?

Stevie's blind-ass,

talking about he saw a gray hair on my head.

He a lie!

And the next time he tries to

throw me a surprise party,

I'ma surprise his ass by not showing up.

"How old I am..."

How about I'm old enough to hurt your feelings

and still young enough to get carded at the club.

'Kay?

Thank you, Yvette.

You know, I love having you as a sounding board.

That's what I'm here for.

[engine revs, idles off]

[leather squeaking]

Sorry I'm early.

But I was zipping through traffic, cutting between cars.

But that pop-a-wheelie down the block

really saved me some time.

I have no words.

Good, 'cause that's exactly how many words

I want you to have.

Bye, girl.

Seriously, Marlon?

A motorcycle? Honestly?

Do you really think I'm gonna let you do this?

Ha! You gonna...

let me?

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

You gonna let me?

[laughs] You. Don't. Let. Me.

Do. Anything.

Ha! Ha! Hah!

Hah! Huh!

Boo! This is my body.

It's gonna be your mangled body.

Oh! So you admit

that riding a motorcycle is dangerous.

- [leather squeaks] - Is it...

as dangerous...

[leather squeaking]

As elective surgery?

Okay, I see your point.

But if you want to have an adult conversation

about this, we can do that.

Fine.

[leather squeaking]

Let's have...

an adult conversation.

Are you out of your damn mind?

Okay, we're done.

Ashley, come on.

I mean, even though we split up,

we still help each other make big decisions.

I mean, that's how we roll.

If this is your idea of help,

then maybe we shouldn't roll like that anymore.

- It's like that? - Yes! And that's how

- it's gonna be. - All right.

That's fine with me.

[leather squeaking]

[muttering]

I can't hear you!

Too bad, you missed it.

But if you would've heard it,

it was something that would've made everybody go,

"Ohhh!"

? ?

[hip-hop music]

? ?

[rapid knocking]

You need to cease and desist, Scooby Doo.

I assume you're talking about my quest to discover your age.

Rifling through my trash,

trying to find my high school yearbook,

messaging my friends on Facebook.

Yes, and I'd already have my answer

if it wasn't for your meddling friends.

I will destroy everything you own.

Joke's on you, Yvette.

I don't own anything.

Man...

Ashley's not returning my texts or my phone calls.

Mm. I get it.

She's sending messages via troll.

Come on, sit down.

Help me out with this.

Why isn't Ashley talking to me?

Do you have any idea what it feels like for woman

to turn 40?

I don't!

She's just insecure right now,

and all that stuff you told her,

she just doesn't need to hear.

Yeah, you're right.

I've been insensitive. Where is she?

She's at Dr. Greenberg's office.

What? Damn, woman,

you got to tell me this type of stuff!

I hope I'm not too late.

Keep playing with me, Tiny Fro,

and I will break my foot off in your ass.

I would love that.

The battle of the wits, not the foot stuff.

? ?

Is this your first visit to a podiatrist?

Yeah, apparently 40 years of walking in high heels

catches up with you.

So I need to see a foot doctor.

Well, Dr. Greenberg will be with you in a moment.

Great, thank you.

Ashley! Don't do it!

Oh, thank God I'm not too late.

Marlon, what are you doing here?

You don't need surgery.

You are beautiful just the way you are.

You know, we all have something

that we want to change about ourselves.

We all wish we were different.

But that's why we're all here, right?

No, Marlon, that's not the reason that we...

No, Ashley, like this... this woman right here.

Sure, she needs breast implants.

Uh, I'm a man.

You see?

She doesn't even feel like a woman anymore.

And you...

Baby girl, why are you here?

My arches have fallen.

I never heard them called arches before...

but it doesn't mean you have to change them.

Leave them in your lap.

That's a summer hit, right there.

? Leave 'em in your lap, lea-leave 'em in your lap ?

Every woman over 50 will be, like, "Hey,

we gon' leave 'em in our lap."

? Leave 'em in our lap, lea-leave 'em on our lap ?

And would you look at this?

What in the hot mess...

is going on?

I mean, he needs hair plugs,

cheekbones, definitely needing a nose job.

He need a... a chin tuck,

or just take this and tuck it up in your chest.

Take this meat right there and chuck it in there.

Look at that.

- Marlon, please! - No, but there...

You're not listening.

There is beauty in this bald little weirdo.

You look like a white Mr. Potato Head.

You don't even need to buy your kids a Christmas gift.

Just put your head in a box with some little shoes right there,

and... you could save yourself $39 on Amazon.

My point is, we have to learn to love ourselves, people.

You don't think I have any flaws?

- Marlon, you need to stop... - Come on, no!

I need to make a point, Ashley!

Okay, have at it.

Thank you.

Look at this, right here.

Look at that chest. Look at it.

I know from afar, it looks beautiful.

Don't let me get the baby oil and the grease up on it

and the right light angle.

Yes, it looks beautiful, but if you look really close...

Look at that. I have a triple nipple.

But I'm in good company.

Mark Wahlberg got a triple nipple.

So does one of the kids from One Direction.

That's why they kicked his ass out the group.

Nobody's perfect.

And you...

look at the asymmetry of my buttocks.

Look at that.

I know one butt cheek is bigger than the other one.

Look like two Goober candies stuck together.

Whoo!

And you, you're a professional.

Look at that!

Imagine me carrying this around my whole life.

Have you ever seen anything like this?

Not in a podiatrist's office.

A what?

Yeah, Marlon,

that's what I've been trying to tell you.

None of the people here felt bad about their appearance,

at least they didn't until you showed up.

Oh... wow.

[hip-hop music]

? ?

You are such a jackass.

All right.

Look, I'm sorry it took me so long

to understand what you really needed to hear.

But Ash, I just think you're beautiful,

and you don't need surgery.

Ugh!

And this is why you're a jackass.

You told me all the reasons you don't think I should do it.

But have you once listened to how it is I feel?

No.

It's like the surprise parties, Marlon.

Come on.

You gotta admit,

you secretly loved those parties.

Surprise!

I don't.

I only acted the way I did

because this is the first huge life decision

you're making without me.

I wanted to be there for you.

To be a part of your decision.

So how do you wanna be there?

Do you wanna be there as, uh, my ex-husband?

Or do you wanna be there as my best friend?

Because I'm 40 years old.

And I'm single for the first time since I'm 22,

and it's scary.

And what I need is my best friend.

One who listens.

'Cause you know Yvette don't listen to anybody.

Ms. Wayne?

Dr. Greenberg will see you now.

So...

how's everybody feeling?

? ?

Ah.

I got your text.

Seems you've cracked the case, Sherlock Homie.

Why, yes, I did.

See, Yvette,

some sleuths have keen powers of observation,

but what I have is absolutely nothing going on in my life.

One click...

and your age is all over social media.

[chuckles]

Well, I've done my own research, Stevie.

And I have some information

you wouldn't want anyone to know.

Especially Marlon.

See, my girl down at the bank,

she showed me a statement for a certain

Stephandre Jamal Noggle.

Mm! Turns out Nana Noggle

has been doing some deposits ever since you were seven.

That money's not for spending,

that's Nana's special Christmas Club money.

Well, it's damn sure enough for you to be out of Marlon's

and living on your own.

I promised my Nana I wouldn't spend that money

unless I hit rock bottom.

You're homeless and unemployed.

You're there, boo!

Oh, you have no idea how low I can go.

Okay, well, I, too, have composed a text.

And I am one click away...

from sending it to Marlon.

- You wouldn't. - Wouldn't I?

[spaghetti western-type music]

? ?

- Ugh! - [laughs]

You don't get to be my age

without learning a thing or two

about digging up dirt,

Stephandre.

[chuckling]

You'd make a mighty fine addition

to the Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers Club.

We're looking for a black Velma.

You know damn well I'm a Daphne.

? ?

[car lock beeps]

There she is.

There's the birthday girl.

Hello, Evel Knievel.

Where's your bike?

I got rid of it.

Motorcycles are dangerous,

and that leather suit gave me a terrible case of junk funk.

I didn't need to hear that.

Hey, we're besties.

We're supposed to listen to everything.

And support each other.

So if...

you decide to get your surgery,

I just want you to know that I'll be there for you.

So, hey...

let's go get some tit-tays.

[chuckles] Oh, my God!

You know what, if you were listening,

you would know that I had never said

I wanted some tit-tays, okay?

I was only thinking about it.

But then you started actin' a fool so...

I had to double down.

All right, well, whatever you decide,

just know that I'll be there for you.

Thank you.

Um...

but why are you standing in my driveway?

Um, because I just want to see your face

as you walk into the kitchen.

- Damn it, Marlon! - [chuckles]

Come on. Be a sport?

Fine!

I hate you!

I hate you more.

- And you know what? - Yes?

- This is the last one. - Last one.

- For real! - For real.

- Let's get this over with. - Go on.

Surprise.

There is no surprise.

From now on, I'm listening.

Happy birthday.

BFF?

Best Friends Forever?

Or Black, Fabulous and Forty.

I will take it.

Happy birthday.

- Birthday sex? - No.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0