Original subtitles

[Greek accent] See, what did I tell you?

Best spanakopita in the world!

Is that an Italian accent?

[Normal voice] I was going for Greek.

Peter: Aah! Look at that spinach!

She looks like a vandalized subway poster.

Dana: I love it when he just looks at me.

Should I tell her? I don't want to embarrass her.

Maybe I'll just hint at it.

What's he doing?

Just kiss him and make it stop.

Why is she coming closer?

Spinach mouth! What?

You have something in your teeth.

- You do. - Oh, my God, why didn't you tell me?!

I was going to. I just...

Better?

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Sync and corrections by kategreen/awaqeded - www.addic7ed.com -

[TV chatter]

Want the last bite?

No, not if you do.

Choosing to ignore that hint.

No way she missed that hint.

Karma! Don't laugh.

No! I love this shirt!

Well, hurry. Take it off. I'll wash it out for you.

How many times have you used that move?

100 times!

Just grab any t-shirt you can find in the drawer, okay?

Oh, but not my fatboy slim one!

That's a collector's item.

Also, not the modest mouse shirt!

That's a special edition, too!

[Chuckles] Got it.

Dana: Geez, he's like "The Great Gatsby" of t-shirts.

[Thud]

Whoa, you know what this is, Dana?

This is a big none of your business.

Stop snooping.

Except, I mean, this is probably a present for me,

so future Dana technically already owns this,

and she wouldn't mind if I take a peek.

Would you, future Dana?

[Robotic voice] No, I wouldn't.

[Normal voice] Wait, am I a robot in the future?

Aww, what a pretty ring!

It's an engagement ring! Aah!

Hey, uh, also, not the Everlast shirt.

Oh, and "Bubl?... live at the Hollywood bowl,"

that's not mine.

This one... I like... This one.

Oh, you like the Pixies?

I love them... Pixies.

No idea who the Pixies are.

Just hug him so he can't see

that you're about to stress-vomit.

[Chuckles] [Laughing] Oh.

Guess what band

just made the sexy-time playlist?

So, I checked it out again this morning...

while Peter was in the shower.

You're a snooper!

I am not a snooper!

I just happened upon it... twice.

Okay, first of all, let's just calm down, okay,

and remind ourselves at how awesome I am

at bringing people together...

three months from hello to "I do"!

Okay, we're gonna go back to me for a second.

I can't say "yes" 'cause it's too soon, right?

Is it? I mean, I don't know.

Am I really gonna say "no" to two proposals in six months.

W-wait, wait, what? Colin proposed to you?

Have I not mentioned that?

How dare you? We share everything.

We even share eyeliner, and the label

is very specific about that being a terrible idea.

Does Peter know about this?

It's probably something I should tell him, isn't it?

Wouldn't you want to know

if he proposed to his last girlfriend,

especially if he's proposing to you?

I thought I had more time!

Well, Peter hasn't proposed,

so maybe just find a space and slip it in there.

Of course... just because he has the ring doesn't mean

that he's gonna propose anytime soon, right?

And, honestly, it could be, like,

a ring-shaped [Sighs] air freshener.

Okay, breathe it out.

[Exhales deeply] Really gets you up.

Really gets you excited.

Okay. All right, mimosas!

Did you get this e-mail about Jan's skydiving accident?

Is she okay?

She's gonna be out a couple weeks,

but I think she's fine,

though the cow broke her leg.

That's really mean, man.

No, no, she landed on a cow.

Jan has the most fascinating life.

What's up?

Well, our receptionist is out,

so that means dad is gonna be completely lost.

Yeah, he hasn't done any thinking

on his own in a few years.

He just lets Jan do everything.

"Where's my computer?!

"Do I still have my wisdom teeth?

Do I like Capri pants?"

Jan sounds handy.

Do I like Capri pants?

No, you don't.

Do you hear that?

Wow. Amy, you should come work for us.

[Coughing]

I mean, if you think it would help.

It might be fun.

Would it? Mm.

Peter: You really shouldn't do this to David.

[Indistinct conversations]

I think it's a great idea. Let's do this.

You're hired.

Yay! [Claps]

Yay!

Hey, I want to show you something pretty romantic.

Dana: W-wait, this is happening now?

I haven't told him about Colin's proposal.

I need a diversion!

Maybe pretend I'm scared of squirrels.

Or I just got my period.

[Sighs] Forget it. Just run.

[Sighs] Wait, why am I sitting?

Stupid legs.

Read that.

"Ina and Fritz...

Cooper were here, deeply in love."

This is my grandparents' bench.

They're probably the most romantic couple I've ever known.

[Mid-tempo music playing] Peter...

From the first time I saw you, I knew

That I'd buy a ring with you

Oh, my God, this is one of those flash-mob proposals.

It's so sweet but too soon.

It's way too soon!

Whoa!

[Laughs]

Oh! There's more.

There's a lot!

How do they multiply?

He's a park ranger. [ Chuckles nervously]

[Woman vocalizing]

[Sighs] No, Peter, Peter!

No... maybe... I mean, is...

is that something that people say?

Maybe... is that even an okay answer?

I... look, I was proposed to before,

and I haven't told you 'cause I thought my window closed.

And so I'm telling you now,

- but I didn't expect this whole thing to happen before...- Dana? Dana? Dana?

Oops.

[Indistinct conversations]

That was awkward.

Well, which part... the part where you thought

I was proposing or the part where you said "maybe"?

[Chuckles]

Look, I wasn't snooping.

I went to find a shirt, and I found this box,

and I thought it was for me,

so I opened it, and I found the engagement ring.

Peter: Sounds like snooping.

That was my grandmother's ring.

She gave it to me years ago...

For someday.

O-oh, wow.

Oh, that makes a lot more sense.

Yeah. All right, glad that's over with.

Yeah, but before that,

you had said something about another proposal.

Seems like that might be worth a follow-up.

Did I? Does it?

Dana: Damn it.

Pretty sure. So, when did this happen?

It happened, like, a long [Scoffs] six months ago.

Wait, this is the last guy

you were with... the professor guy?

Mm, yeah, Colin.

How did he take you saying "no"?

I'm assuming you said "no." Are you married?

[Sighs] I said "no."

No, of course he wasn't thrilled.

But he got over it. We even joke about it now.

Wait, you s... you still talk?

I'm friends with all my exes.

All three of them.

Look, all I'm saying is that being friends

with your exes, it's like a complete fantasy.

You can't do that 'cause, inevitably,

somebody only wants to be friends

'cause they're hoping you'll get back together.

Maybe it's different for you,

but you've never been in... in long-term relationships.

That is not true.

Val and I went out for 10 months,

and that's not including February,

so those were full months.

Impressive.

And you never once saw her after you broke up?

Uh, I saw her once, but, luckily,

I got out of there before she saw me.

That's crazy!

Like, you guys don't have to be best friends or anything,

but, I mean, haven't you ever wondered what she's doing?

I guess I think it's...

The mature thing to be able to be friends

with someone you've been in a relationship with.

I think there's something to be said

about being able to move on,

but, you know, why are we talking about this?

Hey, look, ducks!

- [Ducks quacking] - I love ducks.

They're so serene on top,

and they're all crazy underneath.

Stupid grandma ring!

Oh, sorry, geep-GOP. I miss you.

Good morning, Mr. Cooper!

Amy, please... we're family.

I see nothing wrong with showing respect for your authority.

Now that you mention it, neither do I.

Hmm, handcrafted artisanal latte

made by yours truly.

Wow!

Is... is this a unicorn in the foam?

Running through a cityscape. I didn't have much time.

Oh. Here you go.

What's this for? That sneeze.

I'm not... [Sneezes]

I've also taken the liberty of moving your schedule around.

You're now free on Thursdays for golf.

You're making me wish that cow didn't break Jan's fall.

Oh, stop it!

[Sighs]

David!

David. David!

- Honey. - Huh? Yes, dear?

I was looking through your old accounts,

and it feels like you miss

a ton of opportunities for a follow-up.

Oh! Look at you!

And it's just your first day! [Both chuckle]

Don't wear your jacket like this.

Wear the lapels out, and you want to put down your shirt...

What did David do to piss you off? [Sighs]

Ah, nothing, but, you know, next time he does,

I'll have already exacted my vengeance.

Efficient.

Peter said that when an ex wants to stay friends,

he actually just wants to get back together.

That is crazy, right?

Crazy accurate.

No, no.

Look, I just got an e-mail from Colin

and it's perfectly friendly.

"Dearest Dana..."

Wow!

I said two words.

Well, did you call your cab driver today "dearest"?

"...would love to hear your thoughts

on my new journal article."

Love... uh-huh. Keep going.

"Please be honest, as I know you will."

Okay, well, how did he sign it?

Says "love," doesn't it?

Oh!

Two loves, one letter.

I'm not still into him, so...

Okay, well, we'll examine the letters later.

But for now, think about Peter.

How would you feel if he were reviewing journal articles

by someone who proposed to him?

Many parts of that seem unlikely.

[Sighs] Yeah, I'll shut it down.

Do you need help writing the letter?

Nope.

[Horn honks in distance]

"Hey, Colin..." That's it. I'm coming up. You need me.

I didn't... no!

[Indistinct conversations]

Peter Cooper.

Val.

Good to see you. Mm, is it?

'Cause last time I saw you, you trampled a waitress

trying to get out of a bar before I spotted you.

[Chuckles] Was that you?

Ah, ha. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah, the smile.

Um, look, before you go any further... uh-huh.

I'm married, and, yes, it's real,

and, yes, he's rich, so...

That is not why I wanted to get together today at all.

I'm in a relationship myself.

Yeah. Okay.

And my girlfriend and I were talking about our exes,

and she thought it was weird that I never talked to you,

so I wanted to say I'm sorry

for cutting things off the way I did.

You know, I should have just been a mature adult about it,

and if we can find her,

I should probably apologize to that waitress, too.

[Chuckles] I don't know who this new girlfriend is,

but she's doing a really good job of whipping you into shape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so, tell me about her.

Um, her name's Dana... okay.

And we went on a blind date.

Uh, Amy and David set us up together.

Aw. Tell me about you. You're married.

Is it too late to say congratulations? No.

Peter: Wow, Dana was right. Look at us.

We are two adults in separate relationships

- having a mature conversation. - Thank you!

This must be what grown-ups feel like.

[Gasps] Ooh, they have Mac and cheese!

Don't see him as much as I'd like.

[Both chuckle] To Amy!

Saude!

[Both chuckle]

Hey. What's going on?

Amy here just landed

the tri-state Brazilian soccer league.

I've been chasing that account for months.

I know! Isn't it great?!

She reeled them in with her Portuguese,

which I have just learned is the language of Brazil,

and her miles of charm.

[Chuckles] For the team!

Vai lá timao!

[Chuckles] That sounds so exotic.

- You have to tell me what it means. - "For the team"!

Clearly, it means "for the team," so...

You should learn Portuguese.

You... you could have gotten this account.

Good point, dad. That's a very good point.

[Gasps]

David, hey. How you doing?

Well, actually... good to hear.

Anywho, I've been thinking, you're right.

It's not fair that Amy's here. I should support you.

You're my brother, and you mean the world to me.

Okay, what did she do to you?

She stole my account and my father's love.

[Sighs] So, what do you say we get rid of her?

Sibling powers, activate.

[Both warble]

Let's go.

- Hey! - Hi!

Hi. Mwah!

Well, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, I have two surprises for you.

Number one... "Indie Cindy" on vinyl.

- It's the Pixies. - Of course!

- Yay! - Yeah.

Dana: Now I just need to buy a record player.

And second... you were right.

No surprise. About what?

Uh, about being friends with our exes.

I was?

I wanted to see things from your point of view,

so I took Valerie out for some coffee.

You did what, now?

And we had a very adult, completely boring conversation.

I wasted an hour of my life that I will never get back.

And the world didn't come to an end.

That was a very adult thing for you to do.

Thank you.

And you've earned some very adult time.

Oh, thank you.

Did you go jogging?

Soccer moms jog.

I ran.

Can you shower?

Fine. [Beeping]

But, hey, we still get adult time later.

Yes, we do.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Hey, Peter, your...

Okay, two problems.

One... I am totally a snooper.

Two... someone just texted their boobs to Peter.

Oh, whatever. They're not that great.

Damn it.

It'll never work... never.

Chloe: Hey, dad!

[Door closes]

[Cellphone rings]

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, do you have a second?

Yeah, my husband's just plotting against me.

What's up with you?

One of Peter's exes texted him boobs last night.

Just out of the blue?

No.

I told him it would be an awesome idea

to reconnect with his exes

because, apparently, I'm an idiot.

Well, how do they look?

Nobody texts an ugly boob, Amy.

Look, he showed it to you,

so you know he's not hiding anything.

Well, he didn't exactly show it to me as much as,

see, he left his phone on the kitchen counter,

and if I tell him that I saw it,

he's really going to think I'm a snooper.

You are a snooper.

In the last 48 hours,

you have found a pair of boobs and an engagement ring,

neither of which belong to you!

I know. I am a parade of regrets.

What do I do?

Okay, well, if he doesn't tell you,

that means he's guilty and he's got something to hide,

or maybe he's just embarrassed and doesn't want to bring it up.

But if you bring it up,

then he's gonna think you don't trust him.

And maybe if he doesn't bring it up, you should have?

That was not advice.

That was a list of horrible things

that are gonna happen to me.

Well, not every problem has a solution, Dana, okay?

This is a very serious accusation.

I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose,

but you know Amy.

She wanted everything so clean and organized.

Some invoices didn't fit into her plan,

so she just threw them out.

She could have cost us some serious cash.

Right, David?

This is the first I'm hearing of any of this.

Are you sure, David?

Yeah. [Scoffs]

Huh. Well, I guess I'm wrong, and Amy should stay...

forever.

No, no, she's right. That's what happened.

I was just trying to protect my wife.

And as much as I love Amy and...

The excellent job she's doing here,

I... guess I-I do kind of...

Sort of maybe have to side with you.

Wow, a lot of conviction there, pops.

No, it's fine. She has to go.

Uh... [exhales sharply]

Tough but fair as always, dad.

Let me know after you fire her, David.

- What's that? - Oh.

Ooh, is that one of Amy's lattes? You mind?

Uh, uh, well, yeah, I was gonna...

Forget it.

Mmm, good luck.

Uh...

David!

What? What's up?

Look what I got.

[Sighs] Oh, Val!

It's been a long time. Yeah.

No, wait, how can you tell?

Well, there's a reason "Val's gal pals" is a phrase.

[Sighs] Well, it came in last night.

I didn't notice it until just now.

That's what I get for trying to do the right thing.

You did the right thing,

and you were rewarded with boobs.

This is exactly how the universe should operate always.

No, this is not a reward.

This is... this is a nightmare.

Dana was over last night. She probably saw it.

Probably?

For sure she looked! We all look.

How am I supposed to play this, man? Do I delete it?

Because if she saw it and I don't say anything,

it looks like I'm covering it up.

Hmm.

David! Hmm?

Stop looking at the boobs and talk to me.

Yeah, sorry.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, you're back in touch with Val?

How... ooh.

Forget about that. Did you fire Amy yet?

[Sighs] David, I couldn't do it.

I gave her part of my salary

and like a thousand vacation days.

Now she wants to see both of us in her office.

Oh, previously known as your office.

Oh, come on!

- Well, you're doing a great job. - So good.

Just... I'm very impressed.

I know you guys want me gone.

Uh... what...

[Laughing] That's... what are you...

[Laughing] ...Are you talking about?

Uh, do you know know, or are you guessing?

You just gave it away if she didn't really know.

You just gave it away!

No, I can't give it away after you give it away!

Yes, you can! That's exactly what you...

Guys, guys, guys! You both cracked.

Now, tell me why.

[Sighs] We're not as good at anything...

As you are at everything,

and just having you in the office

in front of everyone else makes that obvious.

Chloe, do you feel the same way?

Actually not.

A moment passes...

Where I don't feel that way.

How about I spend the rest of the day

teaching you guys everything, and then I will go?

Really.

Thank you, honey.

Now, let's start at the frother, shall we?

- Whoo! - To the frother!

[Laughs] [Chuckles]

- Wait, do we really want to do this? - No!

We just smile and nod, refuse to learn anything.

And before you know it, it'll be over.

Okay. It's just like school!

Dad spent so much money on tuition.

[Cellphone vibrating]

[Gulps] This is good.

Food is good.

Food is... the best.

[Bottle thuds]

[Cellphone vibrating]

I got boob-texted by Val!

I know! I snooped, and I saw it!

- I thought you might have! - I didn't mean to.

You were in the shower, and there it was,

and then these boobs came up, and they weren't mine!

No, I erased 'em, I erased 'em!

I should have never pushed you to be friends with your ex.

No more exes.

And I don't want to be a snooper. That's not who I am.

Let's just put this whole thing behind us.

[Laughing] I would love that so much.

Okay.

Popcorn for the movie?

Yes, yes! Yes? Okay, deal!

I also...

I have to come clean about one more thing.

- What's that? - I know nothing of the Pixies.

[Laughs] What... this whole time?!

Whole time.

Well, no better time than now to start.

[The Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man" plays]

[Doorbell rings]

Yeah, I'm gonna go get rid of them.

Okay.

Outside, there's a boxcar waiting

[Clears throat]

Can I help you?

- Outside, the family stew

- Is Dana here?

Peter, who is it?

- Out by the fire breathing

- Oh, my God.

Ah, there she is!

A sight, a sight, fair bright yet small as rain.

Mm!

Um, Peter, this is Colin.

Colin, this is Peter.

- So long, so long

- Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Pete: Did he just say "thank you"?!

What are you doing in New York?

Well, I-I was here for a lecture.

But then I got your e-mail,

and I... I wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Here comes your man

- Is something burning? - Oh, my popcorn!

The popcorn button... it locks!

Both: You got to hit "hot dog" twice!

Peter: Solid microwave knowledge... still hate him.

I'm Dana's boyfriend.

Wonderful. I'm the love of her life.

[Laughs] I'm just kidding.

Am I?

Dana, you need anything?

There is a wait so long

So long, so long

[Cellphone vibrates]

You'll never wait so long

- Here comes your man

- Peter: And that's a vagina.

We don't even do employee of the month.

Were you paying attention

when she showed us how to use this thing?

Well, just stick it under there.

And I'll press the button. Dad wants a stupid latte.

[Sighs] Fine. Just press a button.

All right. Press all the buttons.

I am. All of them.

- Is it even on? - Turn it harder.

Aah, aah! Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!

- Turning it off, turning it off! - Turn it off, turn it off!

Aah! [Breathing heavily]

Still better than having Amy here.

- Oh, yeah, 100%. - Yeah.

Sync and corrections by kategreen/awaqeded - www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0