Original subtitles

Peter: And... Right arm is totally asleep.

Uh, it's... it's dead.

Yep. I have a dead arm.

Why am I so damn cuddly?

Your gift is your curse, buddy.

Dana: Just tell him.

"Peter, I don't like to cuddle.

"I need to sleep on my back,

"or I get claustrophobic and hot.

"And it's not you, 'cause I've tried to

be comfortable doing this with other guys."

Oh, great, Dana.

Now you sound like a slut who hates human contact.

Maybe if I just shift a little.

Oh, seriously? She wants to be closer?

Wow, that really backfired.

So, this is how I die.

All right, just be a good guy for her

and give her five more minutes.

Just let him enjoy this for five more minutes.

Isn't this great?

Just... cuddling away.

Yeah, we really fit together.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for addic7ed.com.

Reporter: And now Chip Charleston

and your powerful weather forecast.

- Chip, how's it looking? - Wow, Chip Charleston

really needs to tone it down on the bronzer.

Wait. Shh, shh, shh. Please, dear.

Chip Charleston is speaking.

Chip: And get ready... you can see the big nor'easter.

Looks like it's gonna hit New York City tonight.

Awesome! [Click]

How is that awesome?

Chip Charleston just said

that a giant storm was gonna come and hit us.

And why are you packing

a suitcase full of Tequila and underwear?

Dana: Don't know what he has in mind, but I'm down.

This is my storm-party bag.

Storms are a big deal in my family.

You know, we like to all get together, and we like to drink.

And we pretend that we're in one of those movies

where the world's about to end, and we drink.

A lot of drinking. I could go for some fun.

Yeah. No, New York's been kicking me in the ass.

People here are awful.

Oh, well, be fair... everyone's awful everywhere.

No, it's different here.

The other day, I got my bag stuck in the subway doors,

and the only person kind enough to help me out

was a man who then showed me his penis.

Well, that's a mostly good Samaritan.

Then I got kicked in the face

- by one of those street performers. - Yeah, but you really

got to give those break-dancers some space.

She was a violinist.

Well, come on. You had a bad run.

But, look, you've got your dream job. You're in Manhattan.

Yes, yeah, taking everybody's lunch order

because my boss doesn't trust me with real work

is... is really... living my dream.

Yeah, but you're gonna get the last laugh

when your boss puts you in charge of the...

Editing... Things.

You have no idea what I do, do you?

Not really.

And the point where I should have asked

passed a long time ago.

- So, an editor takes a raw manuscript... - Mm-hmm.

...and helps shape the material into a cohesive narrative.

Okay, so, for example,

an editor would take your last sentence

and turn it into something that I could understand.

- [Cellphone chimes] - Oh, crap, crap, crap!

I have to move my car, or I'm gonna get a ticket.

You got to sell that thing. No real New Yorkers have cars.

I love my car.

You never drive it. You just move it back and forth.

It's the only place that I don't get yelled at or pushed.

It's my little... piece of freedom.

Peter: They're yelling at her in her car.

- [Door closes] - She just can't hear it.

Watch where you're going! Are you blind?!

- Stupid tourist! - Dana: If no real New Yorkers have cars,

why is it so hard to find a parking space?

Riddle me that, Peter.

Ah, yes! That one! That's it!

- Go, Dana

- [Gear clicks]

It's your parking

- gonna...

- [Cellphone rings]

Why is my boss calling me on a Saturday?

Go for Dana.

Too friendly. Pull back.

Hello, Mr. Johnson. Is everything...

Oh, okay.

Really?

I remember when I was a little girl

and I first cracked the spine of "Le Petit Prince,"

and I knew that someday I would...

And he's gone.

I got a book! I got a book!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No! No!

Sir.

Sir, this is my spot.

I don't see a car.

It's right there. [Chuckles]

I see it now. It's getting a ticket.

N-no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I... I was just parking.

You're out of your car and double parked.

No. He... he stole my spot

because I paused to take a call

'cause I didn't want to get a talking-while-driving ticket.

Good for you. [Chuckles]

Have a nice day.

You know what?

I will because I got a book! So bring it, New York!

I got a book! What?!

This was a lot more glamorous in "Sex and the City."

Oh, Amy, love of my life,

I think someone stole my "Rocky Horror" poster.

It wasn't stolen. It's in the storage facility.

You keep moving my stuff!

I mean, last year, you downgraded it

to the guest bathroom, and now it's in New Jersey?

I had that poster in college.

Oh, and I had my tongue pierced in college.

You will not distract me

by discussing your pierced tongue again, okay?

It gave me that...

[Lisping] ...Sweet baby-doll lisp.

Oh, yeah, that's the...

No, stop it. Just stop.

David, the poster clashed.

If you want it back, we'll talk about it.

I really want it back.

- We'll talk about it. - [Door opens]

[Chuckling] Whoa.

What is that, some kind of crazy storm-party costume?

I got gutter splashed.

Gross. Ugh.

Can I borrow your phone?

I think mine got filled with water.

I went to make a call, and it shocked my ear.

It's all good, but now I can hear colors.

That's weird.

- Dana: Peter. Guess what. - Hey.

My company just bought a book in a bidding war

and they need an emergency edit,

and guess who they got to edit it.

[Chuckling] Oh, man,

this is gonna be such a sad story if the answer isn't you.

It's me!

All right! Nice one!

So, your boss, who is a New Yorker,

just gave you what you always wanted,

and you are succeeding in the greatest city in the world.

Mr. Johnson's from Maine.

Damn it.

So, I've got to go to the office now.

Oh, that sucks.

You sounded like you really needed a party.

I did.

But next weather-related catastrophe, I'm all yours.

Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed for a Sharknado.

Today, you are an editor.

"Cassandra's Flowers."

Sounds smart.

Wow. Okay.

Starting off with a bang here,

literally.

Nothing wrong with that.

"Ulysses" had a lot of sex, and that was a classic.

The author really loves the word "engorged."

Oh, and "throbbing."

And...

Ah, it's lady porn.

My first book is lady porn.

"File folders fluttered to the ground

"like manila butterflies

"as Edgar grabbed Cassandra by her wrist.

- She didn't hate it." - [Siren wails in distance]

Ugh, I hate it!

[Elevator bell dings]

Hello?

Oh, my God. This is how the book starts.

Ominous night, office alone, virgin heroine.

Heroine.

You can't make it to the party? Well, I brought a party.

Of two...

me and you... [chuckles]

...for dinner.

Peter: Say a full sentence, Peter.

What a nice surprise.

Dana: That I do not have time for. [Sighs]

Yeah, I called your phone like 10 times,

but it's going straight to voicemail.

That's for you. [Gasps]

Yeah, no, my phone is not well.

Thank you. So good.

Slow down there, inmate.

Look at this. I even brought...

Hmm-hmm

[Lighter clicks]

Shoot. [Sighs]

Damn it. Hold on.

Come on. Light the lighter.

Here we go. Light it.

Let's get this show on the road, son. And...

- Peter. - Yeah?

This was so incredibly kind of you.

But when I said that I didn't have time for a party,

I meant that I have no time at all.

This is my first book, and it's incredibly important,

and I'm already stressing the deadline.

So, to sum it up,

thank you, so awesome, not now, talk soon,

please leave the chow mein.

[Elevator bell dings]

Ain't no party like a storm party.

Ooh, ooh! [Laughs]

This is not the time for a "ooh, ooh."

Wow. This place is way nicer than our office.

Whoo.

Ho-ho-ho-ho. Check out these old-timey typewriters.

"My name is Dana, and I write books for a living."

Nobody knows what I do.

I did not invite them. Guys, what are you doing here?

They just expanded the flood zone to include our loft,

so we had to had to grab what we could and evacuate.

David: You said you were dropping by Dana's office,

so we figured we'd bring the party to you guys.

Where do we set up the bar?

I really think we should go somewhere else.

- You know, Dana's got to work. - [Cellphone chimes]

Chip Charleston just upgraded the storm level to magenta

- on his Twitter feed. - Ooh.

[Chuckling] Magenta's pretty bad.

Okay, I'm not gonna kick anyone out

in the middle of a major storm,

but I... I really do need to concentrate.

- Okay. Not a peep from us, okay? - Yes. [Chuckles]

We're still doing shooters, right?

It's a storm party. Act like you've been there.

- [Cellphone chimes] - Oh! Storm color periwinkle!

Wait. Wait, hold on.

You said the loft is in a flood zone?

That means my car is in a flood zone.

There's no way I can make it all the way downtown,

move my car, and finish these pages by tomorrow!

- Would you listen?! - [Sighs] What New Yorker has a car?

She should totally sell that thing.

- I keep telling her that, over and over. - She is right here.

And she is keeping her car because she's gonna need it

after she gets fired for not finishing this book.

No, no, no. [Clears throat]

Listen, no one's getting fired, okay?

I'll move your car. Simple.

And look what's happening here.

A kindly New Yorker is helping his fellow man.

Woman?

Prince and Mercer.

This one? Okay. David, we're going out.

Into the wild!

If I don't make it back, bury me in my storage locker

so I can be reunited with the things I love.

[Laughing] Oh.

You guys know how to drive stick, right?

Totally. Oh, yeah, I'll have you know,

I have handled many a stick in my day.

And that came out wrong.

I can't believe that this is my first book.

[Elevator bell dings]

He couldn't have parked that fast.

It takes him 5 minutes to open a pistachio.

Chloe's party reviews... this sucks.

[Laughs]

Oh, hey, Dana. [Chuckles]

Chloe.

Mr. Cooper.

Dana, my dear.

Would it be inappropriate to say your hair is like spun gold?

Dad popped in a couple of sleeping pills.

Is five a couple?

Ooh.

I thought you said you can drive stick.

Yeah, I know. I say a lot of things.

But with total confidence, I turn the key.

[Engine sputters]

[Engine stalls]

This isn't even a nice car.

Amen, brother.

Why do you think she's hanging onto it?

Definitely not for the upholstery.

She says it represents freedom. [Sighs]

But freedom from what?

This conversation?

You know, adjusting to New York hasn't been easy for her.

You know, what if she wakes up one day and realizes

that there's nothing here worth hanging around for?

That's what this car is...

at any second, she could just get in and disappear.

So, you want her to sell the car so she doesn't leave you.

You know, that's kind of like the modern equivalent

of locking someone in a dungeon.

She should be able to leave if she wants to leave, obviously.

Are you saying she wants to leave?

Why does she want to leave me?

Can we just please get the hell out of here

before the storm hits? [Groans]

I don't want my last conversation on this planet

to be the same one that a 12-year-old girl

has at a slumber party.

All right.

[Engine sputters]

Come on!

[Engine turns over]

- Oh! Yes! - [Chuckling] Oh!

Up top!

- [Engine sputters, stalls] - Oh, spoke way too soon on that one.

If Dana has to work,

why did David text, "party at Dana's office"?

Why did David choose

to convert our retirement account into bitcoins?

Why did he make me sit through

all four "Transformers" movies,

convinced that it would all make sense in the end?

Why did he insist on bangs last summer?

Love that boy, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

He's the shed!

[Laughs] Hey.

Sleeping pills.

His plan was to ride out the storm by sleeping through it.

But then his place ended up in the flood zone,

so I had to go get him.

Bad things happen

when you take those pills and don't go to sleep.

Amy, I always thought you were too pretty for David.

Oh. Where's your mom, Chloe?

Shouldn't she, uh, be taking care of her husband?

She's in Bogota visiting my aunt Maria.

That's what she says every time she does something to her face.

She's in a suite at the Ritz

recuperating from another laser peel.

If she goes any deeper, the woman is going to hit bone.

This has been fun.

I believe "flesh pipe" is two words.

You know, I don't... I don't want to sound critical,

but this, uh... this storm party is, uh,

well, it's the worst thing I've ever attended.

This, um... this really isn't a party.

I'm kind of on this major deadline.

Boring! Where's Peter?

Peter is moving my car.

You know he doesn't know how to drive.

He what now?

Cut it! Come on! Cut it hard!

What does that mean?!

I don't know. I just always hear people say, "cut it."

So I'm saying, "cut it."

Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah. - God. Am I okay?

- Yeah, it looks good to me. - Just tell me...

I'm not lying to you.

Seriously, I could not have done it better myself.

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello? Hello? Dana? This is Peter the Parker.

Oh! David! I'm Peter Parker.

Classic, man.

You don't know how to drive.

Well, tell that to your car

that's now parked safely in a flood-free zone.

Oh. Thank you.

I think we got to go back.

We're really good drivers.

I know, right? Who needs a driver's license?

I got 15 years of "Mario Kart."

Hey, can I give you a piece of advice about Dana?

I mean, if she doesn't abandon you in her crappy car?

- Why would you even go there? - I'm just saying,

draw a line in the sand and don't cross it.

Like, one day, if she says,

"hey, can I take that stuffed iguana off the shelf

and put a shiliuzun pomegranate vase up there?" Just say no.

Hey, we got that iguana in Nogales, right?

I know! Remember the carnie said we could never do it?

- [Laughs] Yeah. - But 27,000 pesos later...

Hey, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Come on!

Hey, turn on your lights, buddy!

Stupid idiot!

Whoa! Ohh!

That guy almost killed us.

We should see if he's okay or... or... r-right?

Yeah, definitely.

Man, he's got Virginia plates, just like...

Dana.

Oh...

[Car alarm chirps, beeps]

[Laughter]

- Amy: Yeah, marmalade. More like... - [thunder rumbles]

I could get more done in the rain.

- Chloe: Oh, my God. - [Elevator bell dings]

[Groans] If I was throwing an actual party,

- I couldn't get this many people to come. - [Dog barking]

Out of the cold and rain and nice and dry with daddy.

Come on. Come on. Oh, hello.

Hey, Tucker.

I seem to have interrupted a party.

Not yet. Dull crowd, Constable.

[Thunder crashes] Did Mr. Johnson send you

because he doesn't trust me to do this on his own?

No. I just wanted to be here for you.

I remember my first solo edit.

It can be quite daunting.

Plus, he didn't trust you to do it alone.

And you brought your dogs.

Have you met the Ryans?

Mnh-mnh, no, I...

this is Gosling, Reynolds, and Lochte.

I lost Seacrest in a bitter custody battle with my ex.

Ooh, ch?teauneuf-Du-pape.

- [Elevator bell dings] - David: Oh, yes!

Now, this is feeling like a storm party.

Peter, can you please get this under control?

It's very difficult to think of synonyms for men's privates

with club music thumping in your ear!

John Thomas. Tackle. Todger.

[Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]

[Bleep] [Bleep] Crippler.

Okay. Under control.

Uh... Dana, could I talk to you for a second?

It's kind of important.

Amy, dogs, dogs.

Honey, I packed your inhaler.

- Be right back. - Sorry. I'm just... I'm allergic to dogs.

David, you are not allergic, and you never have been.

Dad's in a sleeping-pill coma.

He's a walking truth slot machine.

- David's allergies. - I didn't want pets messing up the house,

and concocting an elaborate lifelong lie about your allergy

was easier than saying no.

I've been getting allergy shots my entire life.

Well, you're my little trooper.

- David, a word? - Oh, I know what that word is,

and it ends with whipped and it starts with...

Okay, dad. E-enough. We know what it starts with.

If it were true, which it isn't.

- [Sternly] David. - Coming.

All of this going off to secret corners to talk.

We're a room full of fake boobs and a sequined gown away

from being an episode of "the Real Housewives."

Ooh. I rather like you. I'm Tucker.

I really... like your accent.

Please keep talking.

- About what? - Uh, just anything. [Chuckles]

Um... read that to me.

"Employees, please be advised

"the water in the men's and women's restrooms

will be shut off on Tuesday from 9:30 to noon."

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. [Chuckles]

You know, my daughter... happens to be single.

Uh, I have prospects. [Chuckles]

But none of them are locked in.

And you are as lovely as you are witty.

Oh. But, alas, I am gay.

I tried that once in college. Not for me.

[Thunder crashes]

Explain.

Well, Lando Calrissian made a deal with the Galactic Empire.

Explain why when we had to evacuate,

I grabbed photos, jewelry, and legal documents,

and you grabbed a toy.

Explain why out of all our possessions,

this is the most important thing you own.

It's not. It's the only thing I own.

Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.

Really?

- Where's my lava lamp? - Storage.

My Pee-Wee Herman glassware?

- David. - My quarter collection,

my zero-gravity chair, my football phone.

Okay, I get it, but we don't live in a dorm.

We live in an adult house with valuable things.

He is valuable!

And not just as a bargaining chip

in the war between the rebels and the empire.

My father got me Han right after Peter was born.

He said he wanted me to know that things wouldn't change

just 'cause Peter was around.

Oh.

I feel terrible.

Keep the statue.

It's not just the statute, though.

I mean, all my things have stories.

And I know they're not as valuable

or expensive as your things,

but that doesn't mean they don't matter to me.

Well, maybe we could move a few things out of storage.

My zero-gravity chair?

Sounds like it could be kind of fun.

I love you.

- I know. - I knew it!

I knew you knew "Star Wars"!

You even know the line from that scene.

Sure! Yeah.

How did it even happen?

I didn't... I didn't put the thing on.

The parking brake?!

I know, but I'm gonna pay the deductible, okay?

And insurance is gonna cover the whole thing.

I don't want a check. Peter, I want my car.

I know you think it's really stupid,

but I actually liked knowing that it was here.

Yeah, but you don't need it, okay?

You're a New Yorker.

Am I?

Everyone is loud and pushy.

Work sucks. This city is disgusting.

I saw a roach fight a rat... and win.

The roach won.

Everything is a disaster.

Are we a disaster?

[Chuckles] No.

No, we're great.

Everything else is... a disaster.

I feel like I'm living on an island.

[Thunder rumbling]

I just feel like New York wants me to leave.

- Honestly. Honestly, how many signs do I need? - No.

Dana, listen to me.

I promise you New York does not want you to leave.

[Thunder crashes] [Electricity crackles]

No.

This can't be happening.

Peter: All right, we'll talk later, New York.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- We have emergency lights, but no power. - [Chuckles]

Life is better with a British narrator.

[Cellphone chirps]

We're at lime green, people.

That's it. I'm done.

There is no way to input all these edits by tomorrow.

We'll talk to your boss. Look, I'm sure he'll understand.

Why would he understand? He's a New Yorker.

You said he was from Maine.

I lied!

Oh, this is not a time to panic, Dana.

I just want to...

Hit my head against a wall.

A wall.

The wall. Wall. Wall.

The pretty ones are always crazy, son.

[Thunder crashes]

I'm just gonna enter the changes manually.

It's gonna be a lot slower, but I don't need electricity.

Well, you know, you got a room full of people

and a wall full of typewriters.

I do. Everyone, grab a typewriter.

Uh, but if you're offended by porn, you can opt out.

- [Scoffs] Opt out? - Okay, no way.

It's not a race, guys.

Tucker: I'm the only one who can actually write.

David: I know a lot about this.

Ding in.

[Keys clacking]

[Typewriters dinging]

Dana, all I can say

is that you've taken a bad book and made it...

Less bad.

Brilliant job.

Thank you.

Sorry about tonight.

I'm not.

Yeah, but your car and...

Honestly, you saved me the hassle of having to sell it.

But it's your freedom.

I thought New York was sending you signs to leave.

I think if I've learned anything from parking in New York,

it's that signs are confusing

and easily misread.

I think I'll be okay.

Dad?

I had the strangest dream.

I dreamt that I was in Dana's office typing porn.

And... and... and Peter was there, and David was there.

A-and you were there, too,

and three little gay dogs.

Not a dream, dad.

You mean I really peed in a filing cabinet?

Oh. Uh...

You know what? Not our problem.

Hey.

Hearing you tell everyone the truth tonight

was, without a doubt, the most fun I've ever had.

Oh! Ever?

Better than Disneyland.

You never went.

I bought you a princess dress at the mall,

hopped you up on five pounds of candy,

and took you to Coney Island.

Seaworld?

Cough syrup and a lobster tank.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for addic7ed.com.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0