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1
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Josh: Man, what do I do
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00:00:02,854 --> 00:00:04,448
about this Danielle situation?
3
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I don't get it... do I
call her, do I text her?
4
00:00:06,335 --> 00:00:08,118
(Grunts)
5
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This is so frustrating.
6
00:00:10,827 --> 00:00:12,743
Girls have it so much easier than we do.
7
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All they have to do is
walk outside and say,
8
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"I want to have sex right now",
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and then they're having sex with somebody.
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Preach.
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Ah! I'm gonna ask my sister.
12
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(Rings)
13
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(Beep)
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Thanks.
15
00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:30,311
I'll just be a second.
16
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- (Sighs)
- Okay, so that's it, then.
17
00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:36,067
Uh, we couldn't do long distance forever,
18
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,436
- like you said.
- And just, you know, clean.
19
00:00:38,488 --> 00:00:39,403
- Clean? Yep.
- Yeah.
20
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,771
Uh, what about the lake house?
21
00:00:40,857 --> 00:00:41,906
I already put down a deposit.
22
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:43,589
I'm sure they'll be able
to give you a refund.
23
00:00:43,603 --> 00:00:44,003
Right.
24
00:00:44,057 --> 00:00:45,856
- The paperwork probably hasn't...
- It's fine. I'll take care of it.
25
00:00:45,866 --> 00:00:46,948
- Even gone to the office...
- I'll do it.
26
00:00:47,034 --> 00:00:48,116
And you'll tell everybody
27
00:00:48,168 --> 00:00:49,284
- at water polo?
- Yeah.
28
00:00:49,370 --> 00:00:51,670
They can find another... male.
29
00:00:51,755 --> 00:00:53,121
- Yeah.
- And please don't write about this.
30
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- No. No.
- Okay.
31
00:00:55,125 --> 00:00:56,508
- On the blog, okay.
- The blog is mostly for,
32
00:00:56,593 --> 00:00:58,343
- you know, civil rights stuff. It's not...
- Right.
33
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It's nobody's business.
34
00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:01,513
Are you sure you're okay?
35
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- I'm okay. Are you okay?
- Okay. Yes.
36
00:01:03,634 --> 00:01:05,634
- Okay.
- (Chuckles) Yeah.
37
00:01:05,686 --> 00:01:08,136
- You should go, because you're gonna miss your flight.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go, okay.
38
00:01:08,188 --> 00:01:10,138
Okay.
39
00:01:10,190 --> 00:01:11,973
("Not in love" by Crystal Castles plays)
40
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(Thunder cracks)
41
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And we were lovers
42
00:01:24,321 --> 00:01:27,622
Now we can't be friends
43
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Fascination ends...
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Here...
(Bird screeches)
45
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(Bird caws)
46
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47
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(Thunder rumbles)
48
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Synced and corrected by OussLP
www.addic7ed.com
49
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(Lively, indistinct chatter, laughing)
50
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Liz: Janie and her little
friends are so cute.
51
00:02:19,510 --> 00:02:21,426
And your yard, it looks amazing.
52
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I must say, your research on the perennials
53
00:02:23,847 --> 00:02:25,964
really paid off.
54
00:02:26,049 --> 00:02:29,518
Liz, come on, let's
have some real talk now.
55
00:02:29,553 --> 00:02:31,970
You don't give a shit about my garden.
56
00:02:32,055 --> 00:02:34,222
What's going on with you?
57
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Uh... you know,
58
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,810
same old... same old Liz.
59
00:02:38,896 --> 00:02:41,029
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
60
00:02:41,064 --> 00:02:44,032
I know I've said it before, but
I really think that making partner
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00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:46,401
- is right around the corner.
- Great.
62
00:02:46,453 --> 00:02:48,403
You know, but I was talking about...
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00:02:48,455 --> 00:02:49,738
The Leo stuff.
64
00:02:49,790 --> 00:02:51,072
Mm-hmm.
65
00:02:51,158 --> 00:02:53,708
- Mm-hmm, the Leo stuff. Yeah.
- Yeah.
66
00:02:53,744 --> 00:02:55,327
Uh, don't worry about that...
67
00:02:55,412 --> 00:02:57,996
Please, 'cause everything's fine.
68
00:02:58,081 --> 00:03:00,415
He really made the best
decision for both of us.
69
00:03:00,501 --> 00:03:03,084
You know, we still really love each other.
70
00:03:03,170 --> 00:03:04,886
I'm fine.
71
00:03:04,922 --> 00:03:08,056
- You sure?
- Yeah. Definitely, definitely.
72
00:03:08,091 --> 00:03:12,928
I mean, who has career
and love figured out by 29?
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00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:15,147
The way I see it, I'm
ahead of the game, babe.
74
00:03:15,232 --> 00:03:19,017
Girls: We want more bubble water!
75
00:03:19,102 --> 00:03:21,937
Oh, no, let me... Let
me do it, let me do it.
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00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:23,772
Liz: Girls, girls,
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there were some fairy princesses inside,
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00:03:25,826 --> 00:03:28,109
and they made you some bubble water!
79
00:03:28,162 --> 00:03:29,361
(Cheering) Yay! Bubble water!
80
00:03:29,446 --> 00:03:32,164
But I go first. That's exactly right.
81
00:03:32,249 --> 00:03:33,949
Me second! Me second! Thank you.
82
00:03:34,034 --> 00:03:35,784
- There we are. A little for you.
- Sarah's is the one
83
00:03:35,836 --> 00:03:37,502
with the treasure chest.
84
00:03:37,588 --> 00:03:39,588
So, what are you girls talking about?
85
00:03:39,623 --> 00:03:41,540
- Our husbands.
- Oh-ho!
86
00:03:41,625 --> 00:03:44,376
I bet you're married to
Mr. Tiger over there, eh?
87
00:03:44,461 --> 00:03:46,344
Hello. Hello there, Mr. Tiger.
88
00:03:46,430 --> 00:03:47,596
(Toy squeaks)
89
00:03:47,631 --> 00:03:48,964
Pleasure to meet you.
90
00:03:49,016 --> 00:03:50,131
My husband's name
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00:03:50,217 --> 00:03:51,800
is Richard Kaplan.
92
00:03:51,885 --> 00:03:53,385
Holy shit.
93
00:03:53,470 --> 00:03:55,637
Th-that's...
94
00:03:55,722 --> 00:03:58,306
- Is that a real diamond?
- It'd better be.
95
00:03:58,358 --> 00:04:00,192
(Laughs): Otherwise,
Richard is in big trouble.
96
00:04:00,277 --> 00:04:01,643
(Girls laughing)
97
00:04:01,695 --> 00:04:02,894
(Awkward laugh) The cushion-cut
98
00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:05,313
solitaire is such a classic.
99
00:04:05,365 --> 00:04:07,482
Yeah. He did a really good job.
100
00:04:07,534 --> 00:04:10,869
I just wanted a simple band,
because I use a lot of play-doh.
101
00:04:14,825 --> 00:04:16,908
Katie, could you come out here for a sec?
102
00:04:16,994 --> 00:04:18,159
Yeah. Hey, mom.
103
00:04:18,212 --> 00:04:19,544
What's wrong?
104
00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:21,663
- All of these girls are married?
- Yeah.
105
00:04:21,748 --> 00:04:24,466
Except for my little Janie here.
106
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:26,635
I'm starting karate in the fall,
107
00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:28,887
because when you're single
it's really important
108
00:04:28,972 --> 00:04:31,306
to put yourself out there.
109
00:04:31,341 --> 00:04:33,341
Katie: Yeah.
110
00:04:33,427 --> 00:04:35,393
I'm gonna go get those cupcakes.
111
00:04:35,479 --> 00:04:37,729
Great. Cupcakes.
112
00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:41,233
So, Janie, it's unbelievable
113
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that you're already seven.
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(Groans) Don't remind me.
115
00:04:45,105 --> 00:04:47,439
Why? You're not happy about it?
116
00:04:47,524 --> 00:04:50,442
Well, homework stuff is
good, so I'm happy about that.
117
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:52,661
I mean, I know I've said
it before, but I really
118
00:04:52,696 --> 00:04:54,913
think making honor roll
is right around the corner.
119
00:04:54,998 --> 00:04:56,581
But I don't know.
120
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,500
I'm in my late single digits,
121
00:04:58,535 --> 00:05:01,002
and I'm still the single
girl at the tea party.
122
00:05:01,038 --> 00:05:06,041
Jane: I try to stay positive,
but, man, I'm in a dark place.
123
00:05:06,093 --> 00:05:08,043
(Laughs): Jane, you're being so silly.
124
00:05:08,128 --> 00:05:10,045
You just need to enjoy
being a seven-year-old.
125
00:05:10,097 --> 00:05:12,681
You'll have plenty of time
to worry about icky boys
126
00:05:12,716 --> 00:05:16,017
- when you're older.
- Yeah, but at the same time,
127
00:05:16,053 --> 00:05:17,719
you don't want to wait too long.
128
00:05:17,804 --> 00:05:20,272
I've heard by third grade it's a wasteland.
129
00:05:20,357 --> 00:05:21,556
Okay, don't listen to them, Janie.
130
00:05:21,608 --> 00:05:22,724
Look at me. I'm way older
131
00:05:22,809 --> 00:05:24,442
than you, and I'm not married.
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(Horrified gasps)
133
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Girls: You're not married?!
134
00:05:27,698 --> 00:05:30,315
But you're so old.
135
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,817
No, I'm not. I'm only 29.
136
00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:34,235
(Gasping) (Objects clattering)
137
00:05:34,288 --> 00:05:36,037
I had a cat once who was 15,
138
00:05:36,073 --> 00:05:37,656
and she died!
139
00:05:37,741 --> 00:05:39,407
We had to bury her in the backyard,
140
00:05:39,459 --> 00:05:41,409
and my mom says she's just bones now.
141
00:05:41,495 --> 00:05:42,877
But you're older than that.
142
00:05:42,913 --> 00:05:44,579
You're older than Bones!
143
00:05:44,665 --> 00:05:47,165
That's not exactly true.
144
00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:50,085
- We have an idea.
- We want to set you up.
145
00:05:50,137 --> 00:05:51,970
Okay. That's very cute,
girls, but I'm not looking
146
00:05:52,055 --> 00:05:54,756
- to be set up right now.
- I hate to say it,
147
00:05:54,808 --> 00:05:57,142
Liz, but at your advanced age of a million,
148
00:05:57,227 --> 00:05:59,844
it seems to me you don't have
as much time as you think.
149
00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:02,981
That's enough, girls. You may
be too young to understand this,
150
00:06:03,066 --> 00:06:04,933
but finding a man and getting married
151
00:06:04,985 --> 00:06:06,985
is not all that life has to offer.
152
00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:09,604
And if I do get married and have a family,
153
00:06:09,690 --> 00:06:11,856
it will be because the
timing is right for me
154
00:06:11,942 --> 00:06:14,659
and not because I was pressured
into it by a bunch of second graders.
155
00:06:14,745 --> 00:06:16,411
And by the way,
156
00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:18,613
29 is nowhere close to a million.
157
00:06:18,665 --> 00:06:20,949
You need to brush up on your math.
158
00:06:21,034 --> 00:06:23,668
You're right, Liz, I'm
not very good with numbers.
159
00:06:23,754 --> 00:06:27,339
But even if you meet a
guy today and you only date him
160
00:06:27,424 --> 00:06:29,040
for one year before you get engaged,
161
00:06:29,126 --> 00:06:31,459
and it takes you... One
year to plan the wedding,
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00:06:31,511 --> 00:06:35,130
and it takes you at least
one year to get pregnant,
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and you want to have at least two kids,
164
00:06:37,134 --> 00:06:39,517
and you want them to be
at least two years apart,
165
00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:42,220
and you want to do all
this before you turn 40...
166
00:06:42,305 --> 00:06:44,856
because, man, after that
you're really playing with fire
167
00:06:44,941 --> 00:06:47,359
in terms of a whole host
of fertility problems...
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00:06:47,444 --> 00:06:50,395
(thunder rumbling) Then I'd say
you really don't have a lot of time
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00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,781
to meet this perfect mystery man.
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00:06:52,816 --> 00:06:55,950
But like you said, I'm still learning math.
171
00:07:00,824 --> 00:07:03,324
Katie: All right, you guys,
172
00:07:03,410 --> 00:07:05,243
I've got cupcakes.
173
00:07:05,328 --> 00:07:08,163
Happy Birthday, Janie.
Make a wish, sweetheart.
174
00:07:08,248 --> 00:07:10,999
I think... you need this
175
00:07:11,084 --> 00:07:13,334
more than I do.
176
00:07:17,090 --> 00:07:19,007
(Blowing)
177
00:07:19,092 --> 00:07:20,842
(Applause)
178
00:07:20,927 --> 00:07:22,394
(Whoops softly)
179
00:07:28,412 --> 00:07:31,797
(Sighs)
180
00:07:31,882 --> 00:07:34,133
(Neck cracks)
181
00:07:47,481 --> 00:07:49,765
Woman (Laughing): I'm
totally not calling him back.
182
00:07:49,850 --> 00:07:51,066
Good night, Liz. Have a good weekend.
183
00:07:51,102 --> 00:07:52,768
Hey, where you guys headed?
184
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:53,686
Huh?
185
00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:54,770
What?
186
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:56,438
Where are you going?
187
00:07:56,490 --> 00:07:58,440
Oh, Clover Club. We'd ask you to come,
188
00:07:58,492 --> 00:08:00,326
but it looks like you're working.
189
00:08:01,612 --> 00:08:03,746
Um,
190
00:08:03,781 --> 00:08:07,082
would you care if I
joined you this evening?
191
00:08:07,118 --> 00:08:08,159
- Sure.
- Definitely.
192
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,160
Okay, great.
193
00:08:09,287 --> 00:08:10,252
- Okay. Yeah.
- Five minutes.
194
00:08:10,288 --> 00:08:11,337
We'll wait in the hall.
195
00:08:11,422 --> 00:08:12,121
Be right there.
196
00:08:20,264 --> 00:08:21,513
197
00:08:38,616 --> 00:08:40,899
You guys ready or what?
198
00:08:43,571 --> 00:08:44,703
I am so over
199
00:08:44,789 --> 00:08:46,989
mid-century modern. I'm over it.
200
00:08:47,041 --> 00:08:49,291
Okay, fine. I'll sell everything I have.
201
00:08:49,327 --> 00:08:51,327
No, I... I don't even care.
202
00:08:51,379 --> 00:08:53,162
Do you want to get a cup
of coffee with me sometime?
203
00:08:53,247 --> 00:08:55,464
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
204
00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:58,000
But, you know, why don't we... why don't
205
00:08:58,052 --> 00:09:00,336
we do lunch instead?
I'm kind of off coffee.
206
00:09:00,388 --> 00:09:04,056
It's... I'm a Paleo guy, so...
207
00:09:04,141 --> 00:09:07,559
Oh. Yeah. You know? (Chuckles)
208
00:09:07,645 --> 00:09:09,845
- J... excuse me.
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
209
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:13,065
Woman: Okay, what was wrong with him?
210
00:09:13,150 --> 00:09:14,183
- He seemed great.
- Oh, my God,
211
00:09:14,268 --> 00:09:15,934
he was on that weird Paleo diet.
212
00:09:16,020 --> 00:09:17,336
(Groans) Come on, Liz.
213
00:09:17,355 --> 00:09:19,679
You've found something
wrong with every guy here.
214
00:09:19,765 --> 00:09:21,555
Yeah. Because they all have
something wrong with them.
215
00:09:21,617 --> 00:09:23,282
Okay. What about blue shirt guy?
216
00:09:23,283 --> 00:09:25,555
Uh, well, he was pretty
cool, but he-he called
217
00:09:25,604 --> 00:09:27,570
- San Francisco "San Fran".
- What about him?
218
00:09:27,606 --> 00:09:31,491
Uh, great taste. He put an
"x" in "espresso," though.
219
00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:34,027
- That guy over there.
- He touched my arm in a weird way.
220
00:09:34,112 --> 00:09:35,912
- Him?
- E-cigarette.
221
00:09:35,948 --> 00:09:36,947
- That guy?
- Necklace.
222
00:09:37,032 --> 00:09:38,531
- That guy.
- Galaxy phone.
223
00:09:38,617 --> 00:09:40,450
- This guy.
- Too cocaine-y.
224
00:09:40,502 --> 00:09:41,752
Too miniature. Bad breath.
225
00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:42,426
- Him?
- No.
226
00:09:42,427 --> 00:09:43,427
- Him?
- No.
227
00:09:43,922 --> 00:09:46,539
Then what are you looking for, exactly?
228
00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:50,460
I'm looking for, like, a nice, smart guy
229
00:09:50,545 --> 00:09:53,129
who's moderately attractive.
230
00:09:53,215 --> 00:09:55,632
And, you know, it'd be kind of cool if
he played an instrument or something.
231
00:09:55,684 --> 00:09:57,968
Like a... like a banjo.
232
00:09:58,053 --> 00:10:00,720
(Chuckles) And he should have some
money. Because I have some money.
233
00:10:00,806 --> 00:10:03,023
And... but he can't be into
the fact that he has money
234
00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:05,475
or intimidated by the fact
that I have money. He's generous
235
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,728
and sensitive. Like, he's not afraid
to cry, but he would... he would kill...
236
00:10:08,814 --> 00:10:11,031
He would kill someone
to protect his family.
237
00:10:11,116 --> 00:10:13,033
And I also want him to
live in my neighborhood,
238
00:10:13,118 --> 00:10:16,653
because I have very limited
free time, as you know.
239
00:10:16,738 --> 00:10:19,205
Yeah. Okay. I think you're
gonna have to settle yeah.
240
00:10:19,291 --> 00:10:20,874
For a little bit less than all of that.
241
00:10:20,959 --> 00:10:22,625
(Chuckles) Truth.
242
00:10:22,661 --> 00:10:23,994
Because that man you just described
243
00:10:24,079 --> 00:10:25,161
doesn't exist.
244
00:10:25,213 --> 00:10:26,830
Oh.
245
00:10:26,882 --> 00:10:31,001
"Truth." Who says "truth"?
246
00:10:31,053 --> 00:10:34,337
(Sighs) My standards
are too high, they say.
247
00:10:34,389 --> 00:10:36,506
Apparently he doesn't exist or something.
248
00:10:36,558 --> 00:10:39,726
What do they know? They're just paralegals.
249
00:10:40,896 --> 00:10:42,345
You're still young.
250
00:10:42,397 --> 00:10:45,598
You're... attractive.
251
00:10:45,684 --> 00:10:50,603
And making partner is
right around the corner!
252
00:10:51,773 --> 00:10:53,189
No.
253
00:10:53,241 --> 00:10:56,026
I won't settle.
254
00:10:56,078 --> 00:10:58,128
If he doesn't exist,
255
00:10:58,196 --> 00:11:01,031
- I will create him.
- (Thunder rumbling)
256
00:11:01,099 --> 00:11:02,699
(Cackles)
257
00:11:02,751 --> 00:11:06,086
If he doesn't exist,
258
00:11:06,171 --> 00:11:08,204
I will create him!
259
00:11:08,256 --> 00:11:09,756
(Cackles)
260
00:11:13,712 --> 00:11:15,795
Igor: Oh, master Liz.
261
00:11:15,881 --> 00:11:18,298
Now I think you are ready
to make your perfect man.
262
00:11:18,383 --> 00:11:20,300
- (Chuckles)
- Mmm. Yes.
263
00:11:20,385 --> 00:11:24,187
I've assembled the brain of Steve Jobs.
264
00:11:24,222 --> 00:11:26,356
He was a clever man.
265
00:11:26,391 --> 00:11:28,391
The heart of Nelson Mandela.
266
00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:31,227
The fingers of Jimi Hendrix.
267
00:11:31,313 --> 00:11:33,063
Oh, those beautiful brown fingers.
268
00:11:33,115 --> 00:11:36,116
The sun-kissed skin of Patrick Swayze.
269
00:11:36,201 --> 00:11:39,986
- Uh, pre- or post-point break?
- Shut up.
270
00:11:40,072 --> 00:11:43,573
And finally... The neighborhood proximity
271
00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:45,575
of that guy in my building
272
00:11:45,627 --> 00:11:48,244
who died last year!
273
00:11:48,296 --> 00:11:50,747
(Cackles)
274
00:11:50,832 --> 00:11:54,084
Master, this is gonna be
one seriously weird dude.
275
00:11:54,136 --> 00:11:55,718
Flip the switch.
276
00:11:55,754 --> 00:11:56,753
The switch.
277
00:11:56,805 --> 00:11:57,971
(Neck cracks)
278
00:11:59,257 --> 00:12:02,258
Flip the switch!
279
00:12:02,344 --> 00:12:03,927
(Creaking)
280
00:12:03,979 --> 00:12:05,662
(Crackling)
281
00:12:05,730 --> 00:12:06,813
(Laughs)
282
00:12:06,898 --> 00:12:08,098
(Lightning strikes)
283
00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:10,350
(Crackling)
284
00:12:13,855 --> 00:12:16,322
Hi.
285
00:12:16,408 --> 00:12:18,274
Hi.
286
00:12:18,326 --> 00:12:20,026
I don't think we've met.
287
00:12:20,112 --> 00:12:21,828
I'm Liz.
288
00:12:21,913 --> 00:12:24,080
So nice to meet you, Liz.
289
00:12:24,116 --> 00:12:25,715
I hope you don't mind my playing.
290
00:12:25,784 --> 00:12:27,333
I majored in classical guitar
291
00:12:27,419 --> 00:12:30,620
at Yale and mastered the flamenco style
292
00:12:30,672 --> 00:12:32,705
in my travels through Andalusia.
293
00:12:32,791 --> 00:12:34,874
I love flamenco.
294
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,093
Did I mention I'm Jewish?
295
00:12:37,129 --> 00:12:39,129
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
296
00:12:39,214 --> 00:12:41,631
I'm sorry. I-I thought you knew.
297
00:12:41,683 --> 00:12:43,550
Knew what?
298
00:12:43,635 --> 00:12:45,101
I'm gay.
299
00:12:45,170 --> 00:12:47,804
You are?
300
00:12:47,856 --> 00:12:51,975
Yeah. I'm, like, really, really gay.
301
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:54,644
But I thought I made the perfect man.
302
00:12:54,696 --> 00:12:57,013
You did. And he's gay.
303
00:12:57,065 --> 00:13:00,283
(Ringtone plays)
304
00:13:00,352 --> 00:13:02,085
- It's Frank.
- Man: Hey, Frank.
305
00:13:02,154 --> 00:13:03,319
You coming to fire island with us?
306
00:13:03,388 --> 00:13:05,538
Fire bad!
307
00:13:05,624 --> 00:13:07,991
Jk. I'll be right out.
308
00:13:08,043 --> 00:13:10,877
See you, darlings.
309
00:13:10,962 --> 00:13:13,796
(Whimpers)
310
00:13:13,832 --> 00:13:17,333
Don't worry. He wasn't
good enough for you anyway.
311
00:13:17,385 --> 00:13:20,670
Thanks, Igor.
312
00:13:20,722 --> 00:13:25,041
Say, uh, you seem kind of tense.
313
00:13:25,093 --> 00:13:29,345
Uh, maybe you should slip off your coat
314
00:13:29,431 --> 00:13:32,182
and let me give you a massage.
315
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,684
- What?
- Or we could
316
00:13:34,736 --> 00:13:37,103
just watch a movie and see what happens.
317
00:13:37,189 --> 00:13:38,521
(Chuckles) Hmm?
318
00:13:38,607 --> 00:13:41,357
- No. No, that's not...
- No?
319
00:13:41,443 --> 00:13:43,660
That's never, ever going to happen.
320
00:13:43,728 --> 00:13:45,862
You're my employee.
321
00:13:49,034 --> 00:13:50,500
Bitch.
322
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:55,068
Patti: Aw, Liz, have you been on any dates?
323
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,870
Mom, no, not really.
324
00:13:56,905 --> 00:13:59,572
I'm just... I'm just
focusing on work for a while.
325
00:13:59,658 --> 00:14:02,409
Why don't you let me set you up with Chip?
326
00:14:02,461 --> 00:14:03,710
Chip? Mom, no.
327
00:14:03,745 --> 00:14:05,245
I'm not going out with Dr. Fringle's son.
328
00:14:05,330 --> 00:14:06,463
Why not?
329
00:14:06,548 --> 00:14:08,415
You went to Camp Machanga together.
330
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:09,466
Yeah, well, we have no chemistry.
331
00:14:09,551 --> 00:14:12,052
Oh, how do you know that?
332
00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:13,803
You haven't seen him in years.
333
00:14:13,889 --> 00:14:15,922
Chip's a real catch.
334
00:14:15,974 --> 00:14:18,425
He's smart, he's got a good job,
335
00:14:18,510 --> 00:14:21,094
and he's a real gentleman.
336
00:14:21,179 --> 00:14:23,596
Liz, you've just, you've
got to just try it.
337
00:14:23,682 --> 00:14:24,931
(Liz sighs)
338
00:14:24,983 --> 00:14:26,349
Okay, fine, I'll go out with Chip.
339
00:14:26,435 --> 00:14:27,684
Yay.
340
00:14:27,769 --> 00:14:29,686
That a girl.
341
00:14:29,771 --> 00:14:31,905
(Music plays, low conversations)
342
00:14:36,328 --> 00:14:39,112
So, um...
343
00:14:39,164 --> 00:14:41,114
How's your dad?
344
00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:42,999
He is good.
345
00:14:44,369 --> 00:14:47,921
D-do you ever watch T... TV?
346
00:14:47,956 --> 00:14:48,838
No.
347
00:14:50,676 --> 00:14:52,125
Uh, the weather's...
348
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:53,626
The weather, wow, it has been...
349
00:14:53,712 --> 00:14:54,928
I have prepared three topics
350
00:14:54,963 --> 00:14:56,629
of conversation for this date.
351
00:14:56,715 --> 00:14:59,132
Would you like to hear one?
352
00:14:59,184 --> 00:15:00,850
Sure.
353
00:15:00,936 --> 00:15:02,886
Please select from the following subjects:
354
00:15:02,971 --> 00:15:06,222
Politics, a business trip
I took to Minneapolis,
355
00:15:06,308 --> 00:15:09,609
or quotations from popular movies.
356
00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:12,612
Um... let's go with movies.
357
00:15:12,647 --> 00:15:14,781
(Music plays) You have
selected movie quotations.
358
00:15:14,816 --> 00:15:19,152
In the 1994 new line cinema hit, The Mask,
359
00:15:19,237 --> 00:15:21,154
star Jim Carrey's catchphrase was...
360
00:15:21,206 --> 00:15:23,373
"Somebody stop me."
361
00:15:23,458 --> 00:15:25,041
Can I get another Manhattan, please? Or...
362
00:15:25,127 --> 00:15:27,660
"S-s-s-s-s-s-smokin'."
363
00:15:27,746 --> 00:15:30,997
Why don't you tell me
about, um, accounting.
364
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:32,999
What's that like for you?
365
00:15:33,085 --> 00:15:35,635
The practice of accounting,
or the measuring
366
00:15:35,670 --> 00:15:37,337
and processing of financial information...
367
00:15:37,422 --> 00:15:39,339
Uh... no, no, no.
368
00:15:39,391 --> 00:15:41,391
Uh, I meant, what is it like for you?
369
00:15:41,476 --> 00:15:42,842
The Egyptians and Babylonians
370
00:15:42,928 --> 00:15:45,478
had early bookkeeping systems as well.
371
00:15:45,514 --> 00:15:47,814
The profession of accounting was developed
372
00:15:47,849 --> 00:15:49,065
in the 19th century...
373
00:15:49,151 --> 00:15:50,350
The word "accountant" is derived
374
00:15:50,402 --> 00:15:53,103
from the French word compt-e-r.
375
00:15:53,188 --> 00:15:55,939
And that leads to me, and
my job at Ernst & Young
376
00:15:56,024 --> 00:15:59,609
where I am in the top 21%
of management accountants.
377
00:16:03,165 --> 00:16:04,864
I apologize.
378
00:16:04,950 --> 00:16:08,034
I have been monopolizing the conversation.
379
00:16:08,086 --> 00:16:10,587
Please, Liz, tell me about you.
380
00:16:10,672 --> 00:16:12,372
I'm do corporate law
381
00:16:12,424 --> 00:16:14,340
and a little bit of pro
bono work on the side.
382
00:16:14,376 --> 00:16:16,876
I analyzed your trial statistics
383
00:16:16,962 --> 00:16:19,262
based on what I could
find in the public record.
384
00:16:19,347 --> 00:16:23,049
You are in the top ten percent
of lawyers at your firm.
385
00:16:23,101 --> 00:16:25,552
I predict you will soon make partner.
386
00:16:25,637 --> 00:16:28,304
Do you really think so?
387
00:16:28,390 --> 00:16:30,640
Yes. It is right around the corner.
388
00:16:33,728 --> 00:16:35,311
- How is your steak?
- Um... it's a little rare.
389
00:16:35,397 --> 00:16:37,480
I'm more of a well done kind of...
390
00:16:37,566 --> 00:16:39,566
Oh, God. Wow.
391
00:16:39,618 --> 00:16:41,401
That is... that's a flame.
392
00:16:41,453 --> 00:16:42,786
Is that better?
393
00:16:44,372 --> 00:16:46,072
Wow.
394
00:16:46,158 --> 00:16:47,907
It is, thank you.
395
00:16:47,993 --> 00:16:49,993
Your eyes are very unique.
396
00:16:50,078 --> 00:16:52,245
I am having trouble processing the color.
397
00:16:52,330 --> 00:16:54,547
(Beeping, whirring)
398
00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:56,216
(Tones chime) Color processed.
399
00:16:56,251 --> 00:16:57,884
They are green.
400
00:16:57,919 --> 00:17:02,722
Liz, I remember the first time
I saw you at Camp Machanga.
401
00:17:02,757 --> 00:17:04,641
I have had a crush on you
402
00:17:04,726 --> 00:17:06,759
since you won the long swim.
403
00:17:06,845 --> 00:17:08,595
- Wait, you remember that?
- Yes,
404
00:17:08,647 --> 00:17:10,680
I have never deleted the memory.
405
00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:13,233
Would you like to hear the dessert menu?
406
00:17:13,268 --> 00:17:15,101
Uh, no, thank you. I'm full.
407
00:17:15,153 --> 00:17:16,236
We are fine.
408
00:17:16,271 --> 00:17:19,072
A girl as sweet as you
409
00:17:19,107 --> 00:17:22,775
does not require dessert;
You are sweet enough already.
410
00:17:22,861 --> 00:17:25,745
I meant that figuratively.
411
00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:27,947
I was using sweetness as a metaphor.
412
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:31,284
I hope I did not suck the
romance out of the compliment
413
00:17:31,369 --> 00:17:34,504
by overexplaining the logic behind it.
414
00:17:34,589 --> 00:17:36,789
No, you didn't at all.
415
00:17:36,875 --> 00:17:38,625
That was very sweet.
416
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:41,010
Do you want to dance?
417
00:17:41,096 --> 00:17:43,463
Yes, but I only know one move.
418
00:17:43,515 --> 00:17:45,131
The robot.
419
00:17:45,217 --> 00:17:46,633
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
420
00:17:46,685 --> 00:17:48,134
All right, let's see what you got.
421
00:17:48,186 --> 00:17:50,770
422
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,810
Hey, is there room in there for me?
423
00:17:59,781 --> 00:18:01,030
You do not know
424
00:18:01,116 --> 00:18:04,317
how long I have waited for this moment.
425
00:18:04,402 --> 00:18:07,654
I will initiate sex now with your consent.
426
00:18:07,706 --> 00:18:08,821
Wait, wait. Um,
427
00:18:08,907 --> 00:18:10,123
do you have something, uh...
428
00:18:11,993 --> 00:18:14,827
(Zapping) Condom applied.
429
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,380
Initiating sex sequence.
430
00:18:17,465 --> 00:18:18,831
Three,
431
00:18:18,884 --> 00:18:19,799
two,
432
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,000
one. Oh.
433
00:18:21,052 --> 00:18:22,802
(Boing, drip sounds)
434
00:18:22,837 --> 00:18:25,588
(Chuckles) That was great.
435
00:18:25,674 --> 00:18:28,091
Okay. Uh, we're done?
436
00:18:28,176 --> 00:18:30,009
Orgasm achieved.
437
00:18:30,095 --> 00:18:31,728
Um... but...
438
00:18:31,813 --> 00:18:33,846
Sex sequence complete.
439
00:18:33,899 --> 00:18:36,399
Liz: All right. Uh...
440
00:18:36,484 --> 00:18:37,850
I'm gonna go to the
bathroom. Do you want a...
441
00:18:37,903 --> 00:18:39,352
Glass of water or something?
442
00:18:39,437 --> 00:18:42,939
Actually, I should probably get going.
443
00:18:43,024 --> 00:18:44,657
- You're leaving?
- Listen, Liz,
444
00:18:44,693 --> 00:18:48,578
tonight was fun, but I just
got out of a long-term thing.
445
00:18:48,663 --> 00:18:52,532
I am not ready to jump
into a new relationship.
446
00:18:52,584 --> 00:18:54,701
When did I say anything
about a relationship?
447
00:18:54,786 --> 00:18:57,170
- I will exit now before it gets weird.
- I didn't say anything
448
00:18:57,205 --> 00:18:58,755
about a relationship.
You said "relationship".
449
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,791
Maybe I'll see you around.
450
00:19:01,876 --> 00:19:04,711
Bye, Liz.
451
00:19:09,134 --> 00:19:11,351
(Clanging footsteps)
452
00:19:14,139 --> 00:19:15,722
(Loud crash)
453
00:19:15,807 --> 00:19:18,858
(Clanging footsteps continue)
454
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,691
(Liz crying softly)
455
00:19:31,614 --> 00:19:34,115
Oh, Liz. Thank God you're home. Okay.
456
00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:36,450
I've been... I've been trying to
get in touch with you all week.
457
00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:39,453
Okay. Here's the deal. Um, I
really, really like this girl,
458
00:19:39,489 --> 00:19:41,906
Danielle, but I don't know if
I should call her or text her.
459
00:19:41,991 --> 00:19:43,958
Uh, I keep panicking and hanging up.
460
00:19:43,993 --> 00:19:45,960
Do-do you think she can see
that? I mean, it-it never goes
461
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:48,579
to voice mail, so I'm not sure if sh...
462
00:19:49,749 --> 00:19:51,799
Liz, are you crying?
463
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:53,968
- Mm-mm.
- No? I... okay.
464
00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:57,054
So if I text her, I...
465
00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:59,674
You're... Definitely crying.
466
00:19:59,726 --> 00:20:02,843
All these people who are way younger
than me are already married, and mom said
467
00:20:02,895 --> 00:20:04,478
that I should just settle for someone.
468
00:20:04,514 --> 00:20:07,064
But why are you listening
to any of these people?
469
00:20:07,150 --> 00:20:08,816
You never listen to anyone.
470
00:20:08,851 --> 00:20:10,685
- I know, but...
- No, you're
471
00:20:10,737 --> 00:20:12,520
actually the smartest person I know.
472
00:20:12,572 --> 00:20:14,321
Everyone should be listening to you.
473
00:20:14,357 --> 00:20:18,109
I don't... I don't get it.
474
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:20,861
Can I... can I ask you
what to do about this...
475
00:20:20,947 --> 00:20:22,530
- Girl?
- (Chuckles)
476
00:20:22,582 --> 00:20:24,999
(Sniffles) Well, for starters,
477
00:20:25,034 --> 00:20:27,334
phones do show when you call,
478
00:20:27,370 --> 00:20:29,704
even if you hung up before
it went to voice mail.
479
00:20:29,789 --> 00:20:32,456
Aw. Shit. It's okay.
480
00:20:32,542 --> 00:20:33,874
We're gonna figure it out.
481
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,209
I... yeah?
482
00:20:35,294 --> 00:20:37,128
Yeah.
483
00:20:37,213 --> 00:20:39,463
So showing up at her house is a...
484
00:20:39,549 --> 00:20:41,766
It's a definite... like, there's
no way that's good.
485
00:20:41,851 --> 00:20:43,768
Don't do that. Don't do that.
486
00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:47,722
Uh...
487
00:20:47,774 --> 00:20:49,690
I don't want to talk about it.
488
00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:51,958
What is love?
489
00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:55,159
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490
00:20:55,209 --> 00:20:59,759
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